Throwing in the Towel

[I_Squared_R]

I say screw it. My hobbies keep me content with life.

 

I will have to line up the stars so I can get one of these toys:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sikorsky_S-300

 

I mean really, who as a kid didn't want a helicopter?

Oh the hell with it I am still a kid.

and happiness comes in different forms than dating.

[I_Squared_R]

This stuff occasionally happens. Did she not know what you looked like in advance?

 

She saw pictures on my facebook and asked for more pictures because I don't really update my pictures or care much for social media. I sent her a few pictures and she wanted to meet up. Her reaction to seeing me wasn't good. I still kept calm and cool. It didn't help. Looks trump everything.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I wouldn't call it a date at all, especially not multiple times. That might seem desperate to some women. I never ask women out on dates, ever. I ask them out, and let them figure out what it is. Mysterious has always worked better for me.

 

This is quite silly...and is game playing. I always make my intentions known that it IS indeed a date. You're purposely not calling it a date just so you are afraid to and if she says no...well, you'd never have an opportunity to be near her in any capacity.

[Justanaverageguy]

I know it's an oxymoron for some of us to swear off dating and then participate in a "love" forum. The reason 'why' is a bit complicated.

 

Yep it sure is an oxymoron. It is doing the exact opposite of what you are stating you are doing. It is a loop just like the Buddah koan I explained. But it is actually not that complicated. The reason is simply because you actually haven't sworn off dating. So to say you have is just a waste of time. Simple see

 

I don't think of myself negatively, but I am unsuccessful.

 

Ok this one actually made me laugh out loud. Here we have another oxymoron. Another loop. Seriously read the statement you wrote. You do not think negatively about yourself and then followed it with one of the most negative statements you could write. What I have been trying to explain this entire thread is don't even say - I don't think negatively about myself. Because any time you say "you are not" thinking something has the same effect as thinking it.

 

Instead say this. I think positively about myself. because this statement more often leads to a "because" with something positive after it instead of a "but" with something negative. Positive thoughts create positive thoughts. Negative ones create negative thoughts.

 

EDIT: ****. im ugly. and this is why I am done. Why should I keep trying at something that only makes me feel like ****?

 

Here is another HUGE negative statement. And this my friend is the reason why you are unsuccessful at dating. NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE UGLY. Because you think you are and that is what you have chosen to focus on.

 

I am not going to tell you looks don't help when it comes to dating. They do. What I am going to tell you is they are not the only thing that matters. I have a good friend named Anthony. I'm not going to sugar coat it. He is as ugly as a hat full of asseholes With that said he actually does really well with the ladies. Want to know why ? Because the guy has more charisma then Frank Synatra. He could talk an eskimo into buying ice. NOt kiding he works in sales and its just phenomenal.

 

He actually often goes out with another friend who basically looks like a male model. He gets laid far far far more often then the guy wit model looks who is just a pretty face. He actually uses this guys as bait No kidding and everyone knows this. The pretty face draws them in and then Anthony takes them home. Its amazing to watch.

 

People have said directly to my friends face - how do you always get laid with hot girls when you look like you do. I mean how ****ing rude is that. And he just laughs at them and says with a comment like that you would never understand my methods.

 

Focus on your positive - not your negative. How many times do I have to say this !!!!!!!

[MGX]

I know it's an oxymoron for some of us to swear off dating and then participate in a "love" forum. The reason 'why' is a bit complicated.

 

I don't think of myself negatively, but I am unsuccessful. I think I am an average looking guy with a good personality and somehow it's impossible for me to meet someone. Dating is different from everything else in life. A child learns to ride a bicycle and falls a few times before figuring out how to steer correctly without training wheels. In sports I fall/lose so many times until my mind adjusts to figuring out the game. In dating I fall so many times and I still fall so many times. I try to adjust and it doesn't matter. Like all things I have ever learned I am still waiting for the day that I just figure it out, but I never do. For years I thought I was a "late bloomer" like some like to call it. Year after year goes past and I was still waiting for that day that I would wake up and finally figure it out.

 

Then we begin to realize that the game is so seriously rigged that it is impossible for some. Life still goes on while we watch the people around us form relationships that are terribly broken. People are miserable in relationships and I am still stuck here scratching my head. "Why don't they just go where it will make them happy?" "Why fight over such trivial things?" Then I start to realize that the people who are in relationships aren't special people in anyway. In fact they are flawed by insecurities or other interpersonal issues. They haven't figured out any particular way to attract women. They are just gifted differently than myself.

 

I still continue to give my attention to other people. It's like watching from the sidelines at different plays and techniques and maybe one day I will say "Holy ****, thats the golden ticket I need to *blank blank and blank*..." Although that is VERY unlikely. I like to converse with people to try and learn different things. Despite my lack of success in dating I will continue to strive for perfection although it will never materialize into any kind of relationship. The bottom line is: I participate in forums to learn and discuss. I don't expect anything to materialize from this. I am at a major disadvantage, but I can still strive to become better with interpersonal relationships even if it doesn't make me anymore successful with women.

 

I don't think it's an oxymoron. Last year I came here for advice, but since I stopped dealing with the opposite sex soon afterward, I now come here for the entertainment.

 

Some of us aren't looking for advice.

[Justanaverageguy]

I don't think it's an oxymoron. Last year I came here for advice, but since I stopped dealing with the opposite sex soon afterward, I now come here for the entertainment.

 

Some of us aren't looking for advice.

 

Your participation and posts in this thread say otherwise You can say you aren't here for "advice" but lets face it if you weren't interested in dating you would be getting your entertainment elsewhere wouldn't you.

 

Do I comment on a movie forum if I have no interest in movies ? Think about it.

 

No amount of clever rationalization can dismiss or disguise the fact you are only here because you are still interested in finding someone to date.

[MGX]

Your participation and posts in this thread say otherwise You can say you aren't here for "advice" but lets face it if you weren't interested in dating you would be getting your entertainment elsewhere wouldn't you.

 

Do I comment on a movie forum if I have no interest in movies ? Think about it.

 

No amount of clever rationalization can dismiss or disguise the fact you are only here because you are still interested in finding someone to date.

 

I disagree. This isn't the only forum I visit. I like the conversation and I'm interested in the topics. I comment on some of them. Entertainment, like I said.

 

People with happy relationships come here for entertainment. This is where they hang out. Same for me.

 

I haven't asked for any advice since August of last year. I haven't needed any advice or created any threads, because I'm done.

[Justanaverageguy]

I disagree. This isn't the only forum I visit. I like the conversation and I'm interested in the topics. I comment on some of them. Entertainment, like I said.

 

People with happy relationships come here for entertainment. This is where they hang out. Same for me.

 

I haven't asked for any advice since August of last year. I haven't needed any advice or created any threads, because I'm done.

 

Yes but these people in relationships are here because they are interested in dating and relationships. They may already be in one - but they are still interested in how they work, issues, problems, solutions. How they can make them work better. The same reason you are here. If you really, truly were "Done" with dating and relationships as you say then there would be absolutely no reason to be here. You would not find any of the discussions interesting or entertaining because they have no relevance to you.

 

I mean if I am someone who is "Done" with movies. I don't like them and I never desire to watch one again. Do I go to a movie forum and continually post and interact with others talking about movies from August until now. Nearly a full year of discussions about the very thing I claim to be done with ?

 

No because that would be me doing the EXACT OPPOSITE of what I said I was doing. I would spend my time and get entertainment from talking about things I was "not done" with. The very fact you are on this forum is evidence you are not done

Edited June 20, 2015 by Justanaverageguy

[MGX]

Yes but these people in relationships are here because they are interested in dating and relationships. They may already be in one - but they are still interested in how they work, issues, problems, solutions. How they can make them work better. The same reason you are here. If you really, truly were "Done" with dating and relationships as you say then there would be absolutely no reason to be here. You would not find any of the discussions interesting or entertaining because they have no relevance to you.

 

I mean if I am someone who is "Done" with movies. I don't like them and I never desire to watch one again. Do I go to a movie forum and continually post and interact with others talking about movies from August until now. Nearly a full year of discussions about the very thing I claim to be done with ?

 

No because that would be me doing the EXACT OPPOSITE of what I said I was doing. I would spend my time talking about things I was "not done" with. So the very fact you are on this forum is evidence you are not done

 

Again, I disagree. If I weren't done with dating, I would be making threads about my misadventures, successes or failures just like everyone else.

 

I'm not asking for advice because I don't need it. I don't like anyone. I'm not after the opposite sex anymore.

 

I'm just here for fun and conversation. I like commentating. I WAS here for advice, but now I'm here for different reasons.

[Justanaverageguy]

Again, I disagree. If I weren't done with dating, I would be making threads about my misadventures, successes or failures just like everyone else.

 

I'm not asking for advice because I don't need it. I don't like anyone. I'm not after the opposite sex anymore.

 

I'm just here for fun and conversation. I like commentating. I WAS here for advice, but now I'm here for different reasons.

 

Hey not going to argue with you any further. For me I'm interested in dating and human psychology. That's why I am here. I find it interesting and entertaining to talk with others on those topics I'm really interested in. I also try to help those who have painted themselves into a corner with their own minds. I like to see if I can help them paint their way out.

 

But as your mind is clearly made up I might go do something else instead.

 

You know what I'm really not interested in - gardening. I hate it and think it is a waste of time. So I think I will go and start reading and posting on some gardening websites ......

[ZA Dater]

One of the biggest problems I see with my fellow men is that they get some sort of tunnel vision when it comes to dating. They see one girl in particular that they like, they try to get with that girl only, and get turned down. I don't do things like that. I prefer to cast a wide net. Put myself out there, and see which women take the bait. Those are the ones I go for. Any woman who does not show interest in me I don't care about. They've made themselves irrelevant in my dating life.

 

 

The bold part I disagree with, this smacks of utter desperation in my opinion, so you are telling me you would go for someone you don't find attractive because they showed interest in you?

 

 

I'd rather focus on trying get someone I like as apposed to simply settling for the lowest common denominator.

[ZA Dater]

Exactly. Probably the biggest complement you could pay me. That is the whole lesson from the koan and zen. It is a bunch of mental exercises to teach you how to think positive. That's all.

 

 

 

Yes thats exactly what I am going to tell you. But see what you don't realise is that our initial view points are only marginally different but the end result of our thoughts is a gap so wide you don't think you can cross it. Pronouncing repeatedly that you are "not interested in something" is a 100% negative position. And in this case its also a lie. Because you would not be on here posting at all if you were really not interested. You have not made peace with it like you say. This leads to a constant chain of negative thoughts about why you don't want it which you are verbalizing on the forum. See how I have bolded those negative thoughts that come from the position you have taken up.

 

If you instead said - You are interested in finding someone but have simply not done so yet because its difficult to find someone you connect with. Now it is not 100% negative. Still has a negative aspect - but also some positive. You can be at peace with this statement and it is not lying to yourself. See how that is only very very very slightly different to what you said above but now you have a more positive view point ? Its only a slight change in mindset but this mindset replicates. You don't expend as much energy on negative thoughts because you started from just a slightly more positive place. Instead of saying you are not interested because you "struggle with irrelevant negative chatter". You now allow yourself the opportunity to say you are interested "because you enjoy positive chatter and deep thoughtful discussions". Do you see the difference ? You don't have to dismiss that this is hard to find .... just choose to focus on the positive aspect. As you become more positive you can try and move that view to an even better place over time. You don't have to turn into a crazy eternal optimist like me overnight. Just change that one little thought. That one little view point and see what happens.

 

With the Budda's lesson - what you are supposed to realise is that if all suffering comes from desire - then the inverse is also true. All pleasure also comes from desire. You increase suffering by focusing .... or deliberately not focusing .... on desires that haven't been fulfilled. (Bad idea) But you can also take a positive view point and increase pleasure by focusing on desires which have already been fulfilled and even the positive aspects of desires that haven't been fulfilled. At the moment you are doing the former even though you think you are doing the later. Its just a mindset thing. Its mental gymnastics. The difference is so small some people don't even realize it is there.

 

Again this is an interesting post and there is a lot of sense here and I don't disagree with what you say, however you cant just view the above in isolation, you need to view it as a whole.

 

 

The issue I have really is this, the lesser degree was someone I met who worked as an au pair, we got on really well and I enjoyed chatting to her, got her to laugh, I was then told there was no chemistry but we could be friends, great that suited me fine. Except I then go summarily ignored for no apparent reason.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

One thing that I hate about women is that they want men to lead, take charge, initiate without bitterness or resentment, that makes it sound like as if women want us men to enjoy, embrace, take pride and pleasure being the "Man", why is being a "Man" supposed to be a great thing we guys are supposed to enjoy and have fun out of? Why is being a Man not supposed to be s chore?

[lino]

One thing that I hate about women is that they want men to lead, take charge, initiate without bitterness or resentment, that makes it sound like as if women want us men to enjoy, embrace, take pride and pleasure being the "Man", why is being a "Man" supposed to be a great thing we guys are supposed to enjoy and have fun out of? Why is being a Man not supposed to be s chore?

 

Laziness mate.

 

Wouldn't you ride that wave and milk it for all it's worth if you could?

[elaine567]

Always focusing one the one girl you are attracted to is almost a sure way to stay single and lonely. It's exactly why most perpetually single guys I know stay single and lonely. They see one girl they like, who wants nothing to do with them, and waste their time chasing that girl. Each time you chase one woman and get turned down it hurts your cause more and more.

 

Oneitis - never good.

Wastes so much time - true.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Laziness mate.

 

Wouldn't you ride that wave and milk it for all it's worth if you could?

 

Don't understand that metaphor

[ZA Dater]

I never said I would go for someone I was not into. I just said that I go for the ones that show interest in me.

 

You are indeed fortunate if everyone who shows interest in you, you are into.

 

 

That's quite remarkable.

[I_Squared_R]

The issue I have really is this, the lesser degree was someone I met who worked as an au pair, we got on really well and I enjoyed chatting to her, got her to laugh, I was then told there was no chemistry but we could be friends, great that suited me fine. Except I then go summarily ignored for no apparent reason.

 

You refer to that situation too often. I think you are fixated on one experience. Perhaps if you expanded your horizons you could be more successful with women? Maybe you could find yourself suitable for a relationship if you were to expand your social circle. I get that you are bummed over one situation, but to come to a conclusion over one situation is ridiculous. If you were denied hundreds of times like some other people then you could come to some kind of conclusion that you aren't suited for dating. I could talk for days about the women that have denied me and you bring up this same girl multiple times? Then you want to give up?

 

I challenge you to tell me 50 times that you have been denied. PM me if you'd like. I can tell you hundreds of times i've been denied. Honestly - when you catch up to me - you can say that you give up!

Edited June 21, 2015 by I_Squared_R

[ZA Dater]

You refer to that situation too often. I think you are fixated on one experience. Perhaps if you expanded your horizons you could be more successful with women? Maybe you could find yourself suitable for a relationship if you were to expand your social circle. I get that you are bummed over one situation, but to come to a conclusion over one situation is ridiculous. If you were denied hundreds of times like some other people then you could come to some kind of conclusion that you aren't suited for dating. I could talk for days about the women that have denied me and you bring up this same girl multiple times? Then you want to give up?

 

I challenge you to tell me 50 times that you have been denied. PM me if you'd like. I can tell you hundreds of times i've been denied. Honestly - when you catch up to me - you can say that you give up!

 

One experience being the only good one I have had! Unlike others I don't have a massive social circle, sitting around a bar, club, restaurant talking about who hooked up with who, who got too drunk, none of that interests me in the slightest.

 

I look at things analytically so my thought process goes something like this, firstly I don't meet people often, I have given up on the OLD/Tinder thing but when I do I can usually tell within 5 min what my chances of success will be, how do I do this , well its complicated and simple.

 

Is her face attractive?

How does she speak and the vocab used?

How good is eye contact?

Does she have an alternative different viewpoint, i.e. does she have some general knowledge?

Do I feel wowed by her.

How confident is she?

Importantly does she make me think?

Is she relatively slim.

 

Measured against the above very, very few people I meet measure up to that, two have, the first of which was totally un gettable, the second of which on paper should have worked perfectly but for some reason I didn't even get a chance or get friend zoned.

 

Its all very good and well and I have met around 30 people from OLD but none matched up to the above, maybe 1 got fairly close.

 

The above was important because for once I actually met someone I liked who had all of the above attributes and it wasn't me sitting at some coffee shop pretending to be interested in someone who doesn't interest me at all.

 

People throw in the towel for different reasons, mostly for me its because this one nice experience aside (which eventually went sour), I am just tired of the same old story of being rejected. Yes, it will mean still going to events on my own, still looking like a turkey at gala dinners where everyone has a partner but seeing as bar once I never had anyone to bring anyway what is so different about giving up.

 

The pursuit and looking for someone, finding someone who I did like, being rejected, none of that was particularly good for me and since I made the decision to simply give up, I feel better and I enjoy life more. Do I have many regrets, yes, but such is life.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

There are times I hate reality so much for being the way it is I don't feel like doing anything productive in my life

[Justanaverageguy]

Jeepers I can see my "focus on the positive" pep talk went down like a lead balloon didn't it.

 

Is one of the times you hate reality so much for being the way it is right now in this very second ? Seriously if it is go for a walk outside in nature. Go do something good for someone else and then in those few minutes tell me that reality sucks.

 

Reality is ****ing amazing when you let it be. You can be feeling bad and just get off your ass and go do something so you feel awesome. How awesome is that

[MGX]

There are times I hate reality so much for being the way it is I don't feel like doing anything productive in my life

 

Because of women?!! Screw that.

 

You need goals other than women. Maybe accomplish other things that make you feel good.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Because of women?!! Screw that.

 

You need goals other than women. Maybe accomplish other things that make you feel good.

 

You see that's what pisses me off, the confidence and validation for success with women I need to get from other areas of my life, areas that sound boring to me

[elaine567]

You see that's what pisses me off, the confidence and validation for success with women I need to get from other areas of my life, areas that sound boring to me

 

OK, you do sound depressed to me, go visit your doctor and get your anti depressant meds adjusted.

Also have you ever heard of mindfulness?

Mindfulness for mental wellbeing - Stress, anxiety and depression - NHS Choices

How Mindfulness Can Mitigate the Cognitive Symptoms of Depression | Psych Central

[ZA Dater]

You refer to that situation too often. I think you are fixated on one experience. Perhaps if you expanded your horizons you could be more successful with women? Maybe you could find yourself suitable for a relationship if you were to expand your social circle. I get that you are bummed over one situation, but to come to a conclusion over one situation is ridiculous. If you were denied hundreds of times like some other people then you could come to some kind of conclusion that you aren't suited for dating. I could talk for days about the women that have denied me and you bring up this same girl multiple times? Then you want to give up?

 

I challenge you to tell me 50 times that you have been denied. PM me if you'd like. I can tell you hundreds of times i've been denied. Honestly - when you catch up to me - you can say that you give up!

 

The blog in my profile may explain my position a bit more.