why the heck am i still here?

[GoldieLox]

Hey Rainbow, just checking in and say hi. Regarding your excitement issues.... I know it's really cliche, but you've gotta find a new hobby. It's one of the only things that saved me from completely losing it. I started really getting in shape by going to the gym. If that's not possible, even finding a half an hour a day to walk outside, or do some yoga videos on youtube will work. You mentioned trying new recipes... why don't you have a dinner party for your friends? That will give you new opportunities to try out new recipes for everyone.

 

I'm doing okay. Hubby is having a hard time realizing that just because I told him what's going on, that magic wand doesn't make my feelings for MM go away overnight. I actually saw him Friday for the first time in 2 months. I was walking by a room he was in. He was standing by the door speaking to a room of people. I had new contacts in and didn't realize it was him at first (LOL) and looked up. We made eye contact. My eyes burned holes through his head. He just kept looking at me while he was speaking. Finally I gathered every ounce of strength I had and threw him the dirtiest look possible and kept walking. I'm pretty sure I actually rolled my eyes.

 

The promotion I was expecting is now not coming for another 6 months at least... so although I won't be out of the building, he will also not be exercising any supervision over me. I can continue to avoid him like I've been doing. Hang in there Rainbow. If I can hang in there, you can too!

Edited April 12, 2015 by GoldieLox

[Rainbow00]

Hey Rainbow, just checking in and say hi. Regarding your excitement issues.... I know it's really cliche, but you've gotta find a new hobby. It's one of the only things that saved me from completely losing it. I started really getting in shape by going to the gym. If that's not possible, even finding a half an hour a day to walk outside, or do some yoga videos on youtube will work. You mentioned trying new recipes... why don't you have a dinner party for your friends? That will give you new opportunities to try out new recipes for everyone.

 

I'm doing okay. Hubby is having a hard time realizing that just because I told him what's going on, that magic wand doesn't make my feelings for MM go away overnight. I actually saw him Friday for the first time in 2 months. I was walking by a room he was in. He was standing by the door speaking to a room of people. I had new contacts in and didn't realize it was him at first (LOL) and looked up. We made eye contact. My eyes burned holes through his head. He just kept looking at me while he was speaking. Finally I gathered every ounce of strength I had and threw him the dirtiest look possible and kept walking. I'm pretty sure I actually rolled my eyes.

 

The promotion I was expecting is now not coming for another 6 months at least... so although I won't be out of the building, he will also not be exercising any supervision over me. I can continue to avoid him like I've been doing. Hang in there Rainbow. If I can hang in there, you can too!

 

Hi Goldie, glad to hear from you and I'm so glad you're still here

 

I know, it is cliche, and I knew that when writing out my last post that I need a hobby. This is going to sound doubly pathetic, but I was a very slim, athletic girl. I received a lot of compliments on my lean and toned body. But since getting involved with MM, he really liked curvier and thicker girls. I used this as an excuse to eat unhealthily and gain weight and slack off on working out. It was always difficult for me to stay on the wagon, but his attraction and compliments towards me when I got a bit thicker and curvier really made it easier to justify falling off the wagon. I'm trying to focus on leaning out once again, but I'm also mad that he changed my body into something I'm not comfortable with. Obviously it was my choice, and my stupidity and weakness that lead me to this. But I am always frustrated now that now I am close to his physical ideal, and now he doesn't want me anymore.

 

Good work on seeing your MM though! I'm so glad you're staying strong and progressing. My MM sent me a few messages today regarding work. I was going to ignore them because I am still not ready to possibly open up feelings with him by communicating, but realized I had to in order to remain professional. So I did, and that was that. All via email so I didn't have to see him, thank goodness. I know its still residual ill feelings and bitterness towards him but all the questions he asked me were just simply stupid. Good thing i'm not still hopeful or else i'd think it was a subtle way of fishing for communication. There was no point in asking me those questions, and i in no way was the appropriate team member to answer them. I'm chalking it up to him being stupid. that makes me feel better. ha!

 

The biggest struggle i'm having currently is I know i'm very attractive to him physically now and he dropped me. I feel like it was a waste, and dressing up and putting on makeup is a waste. in the back of my head i do still wish he sees me just to ... i dont know, be jealous or sad or something. It's twisted, I know. I have no desire for him to interact with me because I know it'd just hurt me. But i want him to feel something too. LIke he missed out. I don't know! This all sounds so stupid and immature, but just venting here...

[Rainbow00]

I'm having a really tough day today. Nothing has really changed, it's been about two months Nc save one small blip. But today it's just very lonely and sad and I miss him. Our 10 day business trip (I backed out) is in a few weeks. I was so excited about it. We had ideas and plans to go on hikes and picnics and everything now that the weather is warmer. Instead I'm left sad lonely and confused. I am bored and miss him as a focus in life. I miss him stil. Just venting.

[neverdonethisbefore]

I'm so sorry you feel this way. I am not there yet and it's the thing i fear about NC. That void that they will leave.

 

I don't know how to fix it other than to say you've come so far, don't give up now.

 

It's difficult that this trip date is coming up. You need to find other things to fill your life with. Other things to do that will take your mind off him.

 

I don't have any answers sorry. Just hope that you will feel better soon.

[Rainbow00]

Thanks it's hard because this is my only outlet, I can't and am too ashamed to talk to anyone in real life about this.

 

But I'm still missing him so much. Just so much I was looking forward to is coming closer and I'm feeling so much loss. That business trip. Other smaller local trips together. One of new projects together that we could have used to spend lots of time together. His w being out of town quite a bit. The warmer weather for hiking and another activities.

 

He also kept encouraging me to gain weight and be curvier. Now I am, and feel chubby (though I know he would like it) and now I'm angry in struggling to lose weight and he "made" me fat. And he isn't even here to appreciate it.

 

I miss the focus and excitement he gave me. I miss feeling attractive and special. He would make me feel special when staying late and I felt more important like he was giving up time with his wife to stay late with me. But now I feel like nothing and being pretty at work is pointless. I thought I had an addiction to make attention but others including one coworker has been pursuing me heavily and I don't like it nor does it make me feel attractive like mm did. I need to remind myself he would stand me up on our lunches or "dates" just because his wife wanted him to stop home and defrost meat during lunch. I was that low on the totem pole. I need to remember it wasn't all good. But I miss him and I wish we could enjoy our trips together. I'm so lonely today

[Rainbow00]

it's been three full months since MM ended things with me, and the entire time was NC, save for one 30-min convo near the 1 month mark, and two texts that next day.

 

i feel so stupid that im still not really over it yet. i still get on edge when i see him at work from a distance, when i hear his voice in the office area, even when i smell his cologne in the stairway if he had just walked by. i hate seeing his car in the parking lot, he used to drive me to my car at night when the day was over. i still miss him so much and think about the good times, even though i know he was so bad to me and made me insecure and feel crazy.

 

i'm mad at him for making me into a cheater. although we never did anything remotely physical, it was definitely an EA. he said he had feelings for me, but the way he 180'd and dropped me makes me doubt that. not that it matters anyway. but it would make me feel better if he had struggled to get over me too. but i doubt it. he was a serial EA/PA-er. i know, what a catch right? now i feel like my life is boring and lacks excitement. he was my excitement and my focus. what i looked forward to every day. i had mentioned this in depth in my previous thread, but although i am married, both of us are pretty much in 'open' relationships and not romantically involved with each other.

 

next week would have been our TEN DAY business trip together. just him and i. i was so excited about it back in october when this was booked, and so excited to just be with him alone, all day, and in a different country so we could act like a couple. granted, it would have probably turned into a PA at that point so its a good thing that it didnt. but i was SO excited about it and now its here and im sad. i had pulled out of the trip when he ended things because i knew i couldnt handle it. but this is just a reminder to me of how excited i was and now its nothing.

 

i'm just sad, and angry at him. and at me for letting him do this to me. sometimes im tempted to reach out and snark at him - didnt you want to be friends? didnt you beg me that when things were over we could still talk often? and i broke NC after a month and gave you that, and you completely dropped me. just a rant today i suppose. i thought that 3 months of NC would be done with this. i only ever see him at work like, once every 2-3 weeks anyway and its never more than a fleeting glance. so why is this so hard? i can't believe i fell for him like this.

 

sorry for the rant and ramble...

[Ifalltopieces]

Considering what you've been through and the incredibly intense feelings you continue to work through, I think your doing great! Try looking at the positives. It's hard but you have come this far

 

I'm curious though,

 

You say your going on a business trip, alone with MM. IF MM attempted to interact with you or engage you in some way, would you do it? Can you resist?

[GoldieLox]

 

i'm mad at him for making me into a cheater. although we never did anything remotely physical, it was definitely an EA. he said he had feelings for me, but the way he 180'd and dropped me makes me doubt that. not that it matters anyway. but it would make me feel better if he had struggled to get over me too.

 

Nice to hear from you again, Rainbow.

 

Gently... he did not make you into a cheater. You made yourself into one. I used to be mad at xMM too, because I thought the same thing. I never had any boundary issues until he came around. The thought never crossed my mind, married men were always off limits to me (any men in my case, cause I'm married too). I spent a lot of time "blaming" him for chasing me. While that fact may be true, he DID chase me, I chose to engage in it the second he tried to kiss me, and that's when I turned myself into a cheater. I point this out to you not to inflame you, or make you feel like $hit... but because the second I was able to accept it, I started to reconcile with myself. If you sit around blaming him, you're never going to make peace with yourself, and that's the most important part of this. You have to let go of the anger you feel with him at some point. Don't get me wrong, you're still going to feel it... I still feel it at times, especially at work. But don't let it consume you.

 

He probably did have feelings for you, just like mine probably had feelings for me. Just because you didn't physically see him struggle, doesn't mean he didn't. Don't forget that men are not emotional creatures. They are, by nature, not emotional, and many are conflict avoiders. And if he didn't struggle? So what. Don't let the feelings or actions of one person define you or your self worth.

[Rainbow00]

Considering what you've been through and the incredibly intense feelings you continue to work through, I think your doing great! Try looking at the positives. It's hard but you have come this far

 

I'm curious though,

 

You say your going on a business trip, alone with MM. IF MM attempted to interact with you or engage you in some way, would you do it? Can you resist?

 

Thanks for the support. I often still miss him at the end of the day, or on certain nights when we used to hang out or talk. When I walk to my car, I miss how he used to drive me. Would open the door for me and all that... silly stuff really. But I can't stop reminiscing. And I know I'm just another blip on his radar. Whereas he is etched on my mind and it's not fair.

 

I canceled on the business trip when he ended things with me a few months back. So he will be going without me (I assume, unless he canceled as well. We don't speak so I don't know).

[Rainbow00]

Nice to hear from you again, Rainbow.

 

Gently... he did not make you into a cheater. You made yourself into one. I used to be mad at xMM too, because I thought the same thing. I never had any boundary issues until he came around. The thought never crossed my mind, married men were always off limits to me (any men in my case, cause I'm married too). I spent a lot of time "blaming" him for chasing me. While that fact may be true, he DID chase me, I chose to engage in it the second he tried to kiss me, and that's when I turned myself into a cheater. I point this out to you not to inflame you, or make you feel like $hit... but because the second I was able to accept it, I started to reconcile with myself. If you sit around blaming him, you're never going to make peace with yourself, and that's the most important part of this. You have to let go of the anger you feel with him at some point. Don't get me wrong, you're still going to feel it... I still feel it at times, especially at work. But don't let it consume you.

 

He probably did have feelings for you, just like mine probably had feelings for me. Just because you didn't physically see him struggle, doesn't mean he didn't. Don't forget that men are not emotional creatures. They are, by nature, not emotional, and many are conflict avoiders. And if he didn't struggle? So what. Don't let the feelings or actions of one person define you or your self worth.

 

Hi Goldie,

 

You're right, I made the decision to enter into an EA and focus my emotions and time into him. Even though I feel I can reconcile that with myself, my biggest current struggle is how life seems so bland and boring. Like dull colored. Every day I would be excited, dressing up for work knowing we would spend time together. Looking forward to him stopping by and saying good morning. Looking forward to our next "date", and this long business trip together. Although I have enrolled in some classes, taken up hobbies, joined a gym workout class - I feel as I am simply going through the motions. I still miss the rush he gave me, and I miss him.

 

I am just bitter right now, so I want him to suffer as much as I did. Like you said, he may have more than I had seen, as he held his emotions far closer to himself. But immaturely, I would feel better if he really had trouble "getting over" me so I'm not the only one. That he didn't get off scot-free. But again, he has done this with MANY women before, and I know he got along just fine. I can't tell if i'm out of the fog yet. But geez, I got over real long-term relationships faster than this! 3 months of NC... and i'm still this pathetic!

 

Again, just ranty and bitter today. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I have had good days, but I still have far too many bad ones after this period of time. I still often wish it was the way it was, although I know it was toxic. I took a break from LS because I thought removing myself from harping on it would help. But no luck..

[GirlStillStrong]

it's been three full months since MM ended things with me, and the entire time was NC, save for one 30-min convo near the 1 month mark, and two texts that next day.

 

i feel so stupid that im still not really over it yet. i still get on edge when i see him at work from a distance, when i hear his voice in the office area, even when i smell his cologne in the stairway if he had just walked by. i hate seeing his car in the parking lot, he used to drive me to my car at night when the day was over. i still miss him so much and think about the good times, even though i know he was so bad to me and made me insecure and feel crazy.

 

i'm mad at him for making me into a cheater. although we never did anything remotely physical, it was definitely an EA. he said he had feelings for me, but the way he 180'd and dropped me makes me doubt that. not that it matters anyway. but it would make me feel better if he had struggled to get over me too. but i doubt it. he was a serial EA/PA-er. i know, what a catch right? now i feel like my life is boring and lacks excitement. he was my excitement and my focus. what i looked forward to every day. i had mentioned this in depth in my previous thread, but although i am married, both of us are pretty much in 'open' relationships and not romantically involved with each other.

 

next week would have been our TEN DAY business trip together. just him and i. i was so excited about it back in october when this was booked, and so excited to just be with him alone, all day, and in a different country so we could act like a couple. granted, it would have probably turned into a PA at that point so its a good thing that it didnt. but i was SO excited about it and now its here and im sad. i had pulled out of the trip when he ended things because i knew i couldnt handle it. but this is just a reminder to me of how excited i was and now its nothing.

 

i'm just sad, and angry at him. and at me for letting him do this to me. sometimes im tempted to reach out and snark at him - didnt you want to be friends? didnt you beg me that when things were over we could still talk often? and i broke NC after a month and gave you that, and you completely dropped me. just a rant today i suppose. i thought that 3 months of NC would be done with this. i only ever see him at work like, once every 2-3 weeks anyway and its never more than a fleeting glance. so why is this so hard? i can't believe i fell for him like this.

 

sorry for the rant and ramble...

It's so hard because HIS needs and restrictions, his inability to have a full-fledged relationship, is UNNATURAL. He prevents the relationship and feelings from taking their natural, normal course. In the beginning of a relationship that works, your brain and body become flooded with all the feel-good endorphins and neurotransmitters that it makes you feel happy and high. Over time, in normal relationships those chemicals would begin to decrease very slowly, normally around 18-24 months from what I've read. But your relationship, and mine, is stunted. So while you still have all those feelings for him that are normal, you have been cut off, whether by your own decision or his. Now you cannot get that high from him. All those exciting, wonderful plans you were making brought you lots of hope for the future, and the idea that these great feelings and chemistry would last forever between you two. Now, all that hope is dashed. But the reality is, had the relationship been able to run its natural course, sooner or later things would wax and wane. There would be less excitement. Things would settle down, you both might start getting comfortable, real life would take over and it probably would get a little boring too. You're pining after a GUY. He's just a GUY. They come a dime a dozen. There is nothing he has that you can't get from another guy, you're just stuck because the relationship was not able to run its natural course. Continuing in an affair keeps you both stuck in Stage 1. The relationship is never allowed to move into the more advanced stages. You are not permitted to form a deeper more meaningful existence together. It is just not realistic. It's a fantasy.

 

He is not gone because of some flaw or undesireability in YOU. He is not gone for any normal dating relationship reason such as "we have no shared interests," or "we don't want the same things." He is gone because of HIM, his OWN motivations, his OWN inabilities, his OWN restrictions. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with YOU. You need to put this ALL back where it belongs, on HIM. He is MESSED UP, dysfunctional, incapable of having an honest, true coupling with a woman. You do not need a married man who cheats, whether emotionally of physically, on his wife. The only way to unstick yourself is to accept what is, search for the lesson this experience was meant to bring you, and grow yourself emotionally from it. You can do this.

 

And, by the way, my MM did the SAME thing to me regarding the curves. I too was the slim and athletic type until affair. He was always bringing me crap "food" to fatten me up and taking me out to eat. Now I am overweight for my preferences and have been cutting carbs and lifting some hand weights. Start there and start walking as much as you can. You can do it, start today. Yoga and pilates are also good to rebuild yourself. Get going.

[LovelyBrown]

Hi Goldie,

 

You're right, I made the decision to enter into an EA and focus my emotions and time into him. Even though I feel I can reconcile that with myself, my biggest current struggle is how life seems so bland and boring. Like dull colored. Every day I would be excited, dressing up for work knowing we would spend time together. Looking forward to him stopping by and saying good morning. Looking forward to our next "date", and this long business trip together. Although I have enrolled in some classes, taken up hobbies, joined a gym workout class - I feel as I am simply going through the motions. I still miss the rush he gave me, and I miss him.

 

I am just bitter right now, so I want him to suffer as much as I did. Like you said, he may have more than I had seen, as he held his emotions far closer to himself. But immaturely, I would feel better if he really had trouble "getting over" me so I'm not the only one. That he didn't get off scot-free. But again, he has done this with MANY women before, and I know he got along just fine. I can't tell if i'm out of the fog yet. But geez, I got over real long-term relationships faster than this! 3 months of NC... and i'm still this pathetic!

 

Again, just ranty and bitter today. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I have had good days, but I still have far too many bad ones after this period of time. I still often wish it was the way it was, although I know it was toxic. I took a break from LS because I thought removing myself from harping on it would help. But no luck..

 

Hi Rainbow, I wonder if you had turned this into a PA would that have any effect on moving on faster? Do you ever think about what he would've been like? I find myself thinking about him, wondering what we would've been like together.

 

Mine wasn't a full blown EA because we never discussed emotions, but they were there, you could feel it, in the glances, the way we touched and spoke to each other. We went out for coffee and had our first "emotional talk" and then his wife found out about our friendship and he ran for the hills. I can totally relate to your feelings of boredom and lack of thrill. I too looked forward to dressing up for him and seeing him in the office, isn't that silly?

Your story gives me hope tho! I can do this. I can ignore him. Hang in there, you'll come out of this soon enough

[Lonely73]

I am right there with you ladies. I guess I should be relieved I do 't work with him. But now that we have had bc for almost a week I am a mess. I struggle through every day not wanting to contact him...wanting to co fact him. My chest literally hurts some days. Some days I feel like I not fit to be in public because I cannot make it through an hour without crying. I just want it to stop. I feel like the only way for it to stop, of course, is for MOM to co tact me and tell me how much he loves me and misses me. But then what? I know it is unlikely he will leave his wife. So we are in the same place. I do 't know some times whether I am more upset by the loss of him or whether I am hurt by what I perceive to be rejection.

[Rainbow00]

It's so hard because HIS needs and restrictions, his inability to have a full-fledged relationship, is UNNATURAL. He prevents the relationship and feelings from taking their natural, normal course. In the beginning of a relationship that works, your brain and body become flooded with all the feel-good endorphins and neurotransmitters that it makes you feel happy and high. Over time, in normal relationships those chemicals would begin to decrease very slowly, normally around 18-24 months from what I've read. But your relationship, and mine, is stunted. So while you still have all those feelings for him that are normal, you have been cut off, whether by your own decision or his. Now you cannot get that high from him. All those exciting, wonderful plans you were making brought you lots of hope for the future, and the idea that these great feelings and chemistry would last forever between you two. Now, all that hope is dashed. But the reality is, had the relationship been able to run its natural course, sooner or later things would wax and wane. There would be less excitement. Things would settle down, you both might start getting comfortable, real life would take over and it probably would get a little boring too. You're pining after a GUY. He's just a GUY. They come a dime a dozen. There is nothing he has that you can't get from another guy, you're just stuck because the relationship was not able to run its natural course. Continuing in an affair keeps you both stuck in Stage 1. The relationship is never allowed to move into the more advanced stages. You are not permitted to form a deeper more meaningful existence together. It is just not realistic. It's a fantasy.

 

He is not gone because of some flaw or undesireability in YOU. He is not gone for any normal dating relationship reason such as "we have no shared interests," or "we don't want the same things." He is gone because of HIM, his OWN motivations, his OWN inabilities, his OWN restrictions. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with YOU. You need to put this ALL back where it belongs, on HIM. He is MESSED UP, dysfunctional, incapable of having an honest, true coupling with a woman. You do not need a married man who cheats, whether emotionally of physically, on his wife. The only way to unstick yourself is to accept what is, search for the lesson this experience was meant to bring you, and grow yourself emotionally from it. You can do this.

 

And, by the way, my MM did the SAME thing to me regarding the curves. I too was the slim and athletic type until affair. He was always bringing me crap "food" to fatten me up and taking me out to eat. Now I am overweight for my preferences and have been cutting carbs and lifting some hand weights. Start there and start walking as much as you can. You can do it, start today. Yoga and pilates are also good to rebuild yourself. Get going.

 

I read and reread your post; thank you. I needed to hear that, and it did make me feel a little more empowered to take control of my situation and stop depending on him. I was addicted to the highs of "stage 1" - and the excitement he brought and the way he made me feel so attractive, smart, and desirable. But like you mentioned, it would not have gone further as he was not going to leave his wife and then it would have been that much harder to get over it as time went on.

 

Logically and objectively, I know he's not even that great of a guy. He's had PAs and EAs with multiple other women, for years and years. I do feel for his wife, although I do see how twisted that sounds coming from me. He isn't that attractive, or smart, or funny. I think it was just the rush I was addicted to... I don't know. Other men have shown interest in me (I ignore it completely) but it does not boost me the way this MM did. Maybe it's wanting what I can't have. Maybe its an ego thing because HE rejected ME. Oh well. It doesn't matter anyway, rght?

 

And THANK YOU for the curves thing. That is what is making me angry on a daily basis. He would do the same, take me out to fattening places, buy me desserts and leave them on my desk (I thought he was so sweet for doing this for me at the time). He would encourage me to eat more, snack more, get a curvy figure and butt. I loved the attention he gave me as I gained weight, and I wanted to be his physical ideal for this business trip (that I am no longer attending). What's even worse is I knew he was a big "butt man" - so now, whenever I see women with good figures, I think... maybe if I looked like that, he wouldn't have let me go so easily. Or, "good thing he didn't see her when we were together, he would have loved that figure." Now reading back, I see how messed up that is. I have joined a gym and work out 6 days a week to lose the 15 lbs I gained. I am 6 lbs down, but the work of dieting and exercise... wish I never had to do it

[DKT3]

I read and reread your post; thank you. I needed to hear that, and it did make me feel a little more empowered to take control of my situation and stop depending on him. I was addicted to the highs of "stage 1" - and the excitement he brought and the way he made me feel so attractive, smart, and desirable. But like you mentioned, it would not have gone further as he was not going to leave his wife and then it would have been that much harder to get over it as time went on.

 

Logically and objectively, I know he's not even that great of a guy. He's had PAs and EAs with multiple other women, for years and years. I do feel for his wife, although I do see how twisted that sounds coming from me. He isn't that attractive, or smart, or funny. I think it was just the rush I was addicted to... I don't know. Other men have shown interest in me (I ignore it completely) but it does not boost me the way this MM did. Maybe it's wanting what I can't have. Maybe its an ego thing because HE rejected ME. Oh well. It doesn't matter anyway, rght?

 

And THANK YOU for the curves thing. That is what is making me angry on a daily basis. He would do the same, take me out to fattening places, buy me desserts and leave them on my desk (I thought he was so sweet for doing this for me at the time). He would encourage me to eat more, snack more, get a curvy figure and butt. I loved the attention he gave me as I gained weight, and I wanted to be his physical ideal for this business trip (that I am no longer attending). What's even worse is I knew he was a big "butt man" - so now, whenever I see women with good figures, I think... maybe if I looked like that, he wouldn't have let me go so easily. Or, "good thing he didn't see her when we were together, he would have loved that figure." Now reading back, I see how messed up that is. I have joined a gym and work out 6 days a week to lose the 15 lbs I gained. I am 6 lbs down, but the work of dieting and exercise... wish I never had to do it

 

You miss MM, you feel bad for his wife, but what of your family? Your husband?

 

I recall you once saying that your husband isn't putting in much effort, yet would you have noticed if he were? All you focus, mental and emotional energy is on MM, still even now.

 

I point this out because my ex-wife said the same thing in MC, about my lack of effort. It could be all part of the justifacation process of your affair. If he is making an effort then it makes you a bad wife and person for doing what you were doing. So its likely (like my ex wife) you ignored or downplayed his efforts. Him saying you look nice is because he has too, but MM doesn't have to so it means more coming from him.

 

Maybe this isn't the case, but I'm betting it is. The reason for this is, you say that a few other men are/have been hitting on you and it makes you feel bad. Why? You said your not even attracted to MM and he isn't a good guy. So why is he the only one that brings excitement to your life? Maybe its because in your mind somewhere you risked so much and turned you back on people who loves you for his attention. That can cement a false bond, make you feel like only he can shine that light on your life.

[Marchhare]

You miss MM, you feel bad for his wife, but what of your family? Your husband?

 

I recall you once saying that your husband isn't putting in much effort, yet would you have noticed if he were? All you focus, mental and emotional energy is on MM, still even now.

 

I point this out because my ex-wife said the same thing in MC, about my lack of effort. It could be all part of the justifacation process of your affair. If he is making an effort then it makes you a bad wife and person for doing what you were doing. So its likely (like my ex wife) you ignored or downplayed his efforts. Him saying you look nice is because he has too, but MM doesn't have to so it means more coming from him.

 

Maybe this isn't the case, but I'm betting it is. The reason for this is, you say that a few other men are/have been hitting on you and it makes you feel bad. Why? You said your not even attracted to MM and he isn't a good guy. So why is he the only one that brings excitement to your life? Maybe its because in your mind somewhere you risked so much and turned you back on people who loves you for his attention. That can cement a false bond, make you feel like only he can shine that light on your life.

 

What's the story DK? Thought you forgave Lovin and got back together? You guys talked remarriage and undying love. Now your saying ex? You gushed how much you loved her, and if I not mistaken you have a very young baby.

Did you decide now to dump her? Did she dump you?

So the reconciliation was a sham and you spout advice to others?

I checked out Lovin and she hasn't posted for a while. So I'm suspicious you were the instigator.

Come on DK, what happened did she do something or did you?

[GirlStillStrong]

Here's a link to an article that helps explain what happens when we fall in love: Why We Fall in Love: The Science of Love Notice the statistics about falling in love show body language makes up 55% of the reason and voice 38% of the reason we fall in love with someone. Those things are not going to change about the guy, which might explain why even after we break up with them, we still can get sucked back in. Every time we meet with them and let them work their charms, it affects us!

 

When it comes to MM it sounds like you still have rose-colored glasses. The longer you stay away from him and try to be objective, the easier it'll get. Hence the reason for having good girlfriends who can give you their perspective (and judgment of him). The chemicals are also the reason why I always say, if you want to get over someone, you have to stop having sex with them. Because sex causes your body to release those bonding chemicals and they are impossible to fight with willpower. You may as well smoke crack.

 

6 days a week?!? Wow! That is awesome! Keep up the great work.

 

Thank you for posting. You know, all of this stuff I am saying to you, is exactly what I need to tell myself. So it is helping me immensely. Hope you have a good day today!

[DKT3]

What's the story DK? Thought you forgave Lovin and got back together? You guys talked remarriage and undying love. Now your saying ex? You gushed how much you loved her, and if I not mistaken you have a very young baby.

Did you decide now to dump her? Did she dump you?

So the reconciliation was a sham and you spout advice to others?

I checked out Lovin and she hasn't posted for a while. So I'm suspicious you were the instigator.

Come on DK, what happened did she do something or did you?

 

Well she is my ex-wife. No we are still together. Reconciliation isn't lineal, its more like riding a swing, where you have to travel the full range to gain enough momentum to move past your highest point

[Hope Shimmers]

Well she is my ex-wife. No we are still together. Reconciliation isn't lineal, its more like riding a swing, where you have to travel the full range to gain enough momentum to move past your highest point

 

Good luck with that DKT3.

[Marchhare]

Well she is my ex-wife. No we are still together. Reconciliation isn't lineal, its more like riding a swing, where you have to travel the full range to gain enough momentum to move past your highest point

 

Thats good you and Lovin are still together DK. I see your point about the swing. I hadn't read a post from her in a long time, and you mentioned ex wife. She must be very busy with your baby to not be able to do a short post.

It's great to see a couple make it work after all you've been through.

She is lucky you took her back after her cheating on you. I read how devastated you were.

When are you going to remarry?

[Rainbow00]

i am not proud of this, at all, so please be a little gentle in the comments... :/ i very *very* upset with myself.

 

a quick recap, MM coworker and i had a 6 month(ish) EA, nothing physical. after i began demanding too much of his time, he ended things. we were NC for 3 months, save for one time where i asked him to meet up and talk. that went fine, but then despite his excitement and promises to hang out, he completely ignored me from then on out.

 

so that brings us to now. ironic how so much happened after i just decided to come back onto this site about a week ago. since my last post here, he contacted me about a work-related topic via email. i responded, and then he asked me to meet and discuss the work topic. against my better judgement, i agreed and set up a time to meet him in his office. the same place we spent almost every day when we were 'together' just talking and being 'together'. it was definitely difficult, even the smell of his office brought back so many longing memories. we discussed work, but it quickly became apparent he was trying to be flirtatious and friendly again - similar to that one time we met up when i broke NC. he told me of times he thought about me when we were NC, and showed me little trinkets of our time together he held onto. he asked me if i was seeing anyone. it was almost exactly the same as when i broke NC last time, but then he 180'ed on me that time.

 

since then, he had made one other attempt to see me at work, which i (VERY STUPIDLY) agreed to. which also ended up as a meeting in his office, first about work, then it was talking just like when we were 'together' - personal topics like family issues, flirtatious remarks, etc.

 

because of this, i am so confused, sad, mad at myself, ashamed, anxious, everything. i still got that huge rush when i saw his name pop up in my email, and when seeing and talking to him. i had thought maybe after 3 months, at least my feelings would have been significantly lessened.

 

the worst part is, now i am on pins and needles all day at work wondering if today, he'll reach out and ask to meet up. he did it twice this week, and ignored me the other two days, including today. i hate not knowing. is it going to be like last time when he was all excited to see me, then completely ignored me for the following two months? when going NC, it was easier in a sense because i KNEW i wouldn't hear from him. there was no waiting around hoping for some form of contact. now its difficult, i feel like i'm waiting around for him to contact me and always on edge, always holding my breath. i thought he would reach out today, but he didn't, and it hurt me more than i'd expected. i don't know what he's thinking, what he's doing. is he going to regularly reach out and have it be like when we were together? or was this week just a whim on his part, and he just wanted some company and an ego boost - and then we are back to NC/coworkers only? are we getting back into our 'relationship'? or is he just messing around for fun? am i going to hear from him today? etc etc...

 

i forgot how much this hurts, i dealt with similar feelings when i was with him - i wasn't sure if today, he'd have time for me, and it drove me nuts because i felt like i was waiting around all day for the POTENTIAL for him to want to hang out with me. that was what caused our fight and him to end things.

 

as a side note, as i'm sure someone will ask - my husband and i are separated. we had a serious discussion the other day and we are on the same page. we do live together, but simply as friends/roommates. he is attending a wedding this weekend with a female friend, i have no qualms about it. although i could (and have my husband's blessing) to go on dates with other men, i simply don't want to (except the MM i'm obviously still hung up on apparently).

 

god, i thought i was stronger than this. i made NC (pretty much) for 3 months, SOLID NC for 2. and then i fall right back into this. i allowed it to happen. im ALLOWING this to happen. i know i am still hoping this will progress back into what our relationship was like before. but i know that's not good for me. i just want to know what is going on. if he's going to move this back into what it was, or if he was just bored and looking for an ego boost once or twice this week, then he's back on his merry way for another 2-3 months of complete radio silence. and here i am, agonizing over it, and on edge at work, and then being crushed at the end of the day with no contact. or, with the only contact being curt and strictly work related.

 

tomorrow i think we will both be at work (often ppl at my company take fridays off in the summer months). i am going to try my darndest not to think about it, not to be "waiting" or hoping that he will reach out. but after him doing it twice this week, i don't know if i can shut that off. i feel so weak and stupid just going through the motions of my day, checking my messages or email so often just to see if he'll ask me to come see him. its so distracting and pathetic. roller coaster of emotion. at least if i knew what his end goal was, if he plans to make this a regular thing or if this was just a one time ego boost for him, i could better prepare myself mentally. but i'm still holding onto hope although my brain is screaming otherwise.

 

apologies for the rambling. i may go drink myself into a stupor...

Edited May 21, 2015 by Rainbow00

[Josmatjes]

I really think this man enjoys baiting you. Why do you want to be with someone that your always going to worry if he is going to live up to his word? If a friend of yours did that a few times you would end the friendship. I think you need to go nc again and try to not be around him at all. It's an unhealthy situation your in and I see it's ard for you to move on....

[jwi71]

because of this, i am so confused, sad, mad at myself, ashamed, anxious, everything. i still got that huge rush when i saw his name pop up in my email, and when seeing and talking to him. i had thought maybe after 3 months, at least my feelings would have been significantly lessened.

 

It is, as you now know, unimaginably difficult to end a workplace A.

My advice is to seek other employment or a transfer.

I know you will think its an "over the top reaction". It isn't. Most of this post proves it out.

Its sole purpose is to help you HEAL.

 

as a side note, as i'm sure someone will ask - my husband and i are separated. we had a serious discussion the other day and we are on the same page. we do live together, but simply as friends/roommates. he is attending a wedding this weekend with a female friend, i have no qualms about it. although i could (and have my husband's blessing) to go on dates with other men, i simply don't want to (except the MM i'm obviously still hung up on apparently).

 

For the same reason you cant work with an xAP, you can't continue to live with your, ahem, "separated" H. You need to move out.

 

Time for you to be alone. D the H. Find a new job. Get into IC.

You need some you time. Alone time. Figure yourself out with stbxH and x AP polluting your thoughts time.

 

god, i thought i was stronger than this. i made NC (pretty much) for 3 months, SOLID NC for 2. and then i fall right back into this. i allowed it to happen. im ALLOWING this to happen. i know i am still hoping this will progress back into what our relationship was like before. but i know that's not good for me. i just want to know what is going on. if he's going to move this back into what it was, or if he was just bored and looking for an ego boost once or twice this week, then he's back on his merry way for another 2-3 months of complete radio silence. and here i am, agonizing over it, and on edge at work, and then being crushed at the end of the day with no contact. or, with the only contact being curt and strictly work related.

 

This is the best paragraph you wrote.

You RECOGNIZE and OWN you allow it. And you do.

That's a huge first step. Now build on it.

 

Separate yourself from both men and figure yourself out.

[Rainbow00]

It is, as you now know, unimaginably difficult to end a workplace A.

My advice is to seek other employment or a transfer.

I know you will think its an "over the top reaction". It isn't. Most of this post proves it out.

Its sole purpose is to help you HEAL.

 

 

 

For the same reason you cant work with an xAP, you can't continue to live with your, ahem, "separated" H. You need to move out.

 

Time for you to be alone. D the H. Find a new job. Get into IC.

You need some you time. Alone time. Figure yourself out with stbxH and x AP polluting your thoughts time.

 

 

 

This is the best paragraph you wrote.

You RECOGNIZE and OWN you allow it. And you do.

That's a huge first step. Now build on it.

 

Separate yourself from both men and figure yourself out.

 

hi JW, thanks for taking the time.

 

in terms of finding new employment, i am planning on doing so when i can. i touched on this briefly earlier in the (massive) thread, but i was given a large lump sum relocation and signing bonus when i took this job - in the ballpark of 20k. part of the contract was i had to fulfill X number of years at the company, or else i would have to give back this lump sum if i voluntarily chose to leave earlier. as i am already living almost paycheck to paycheck, leaving before this date is not an option as i absolutely do not have the means to pay back 20k. however, the good news is that the date is the end of august. so as of sept 1st, i can freely find new employment without this financial consequence. i do plan on looking at that time. that was always in the back of my mind, but apart from MM, i do very much love my job so i was hoping that with the NC until sept, i would be fully over it and able to continue my job. seeing how things are going though, that doesn't look like the case.

 

I am going to IC one time a month; unfortunately that frequency is all i can afford. i go to the gym 6 days a week (women only gym) and it does help briefly, but strangely i feel even more low when that workout 'high' wears off. i am still doing it of course.

 

H and i have been non-romantic for about a year now, with small bouts of us trying to get it back. actually, he doesn't even live in the house full time anymore. officially he does, but for the next week or two he is spending it at a "friend's" house. honestly, it doesn't bother me as long as i know he holds up his end of the financial obligations we share (our home bills, etc.). i guess this sounds very strange; but my H's parents were divorced but still lived in the same house WITH their new partners. so i guess he 'grew up' with it being normal, and i am ok with it.

 

anyway, i am off to work soon. i truly hope he isn't at work today (it is an optional holiday today at my company) so i dont have to sit around waiting and wondering if he will contact me, or if he is going back to that radio silence once again. it's so much easier having no expectations in that sense. obviously the healthiest and best thing would be to get myself to not have those expectations in the first place, but clearly i'm not strong enough at the moment. i put a rubber band on my wrist to snap every time i think about him. but wow, those 2 months of NC truly were easier than this weird half excited half anxious limbo i'm in now. maybe this is all just an ego game for him.

[Rainbow00]

I really think this man enjoys baiting you. Why do you want to be with someone that your always going to worry if he is going to live up to his word? If a friend of yours did that a few times you would end the friendship. I think you need to go nc again and try to not be around him at all. It's an unhealthy situation your in and I see it's ard for you to move on....

 

I'm starting to think that too. Objectively, I am more attractive than him and younger, so I think he likes knowing he has me on a string and it is a huge ego boost for him when I react like his.

 

But you're right, this is why I got angry with him in the first place which caused him to end things. It was because I was upset he would tell me he would meet me at this time or this time, then stand me up with no remorse. Even earlier this week, he said he was looking forward to seeing me at this work thing - and he didn't go anyway. Same old same old. Right now I'm worrying what's next. I'm anxious if he'll try to reach out again, or if those two times were enough to satisfy his ego and he's ready to go silent again for another few months. God, this is so high school.. i'm in my late 30s.

 

My own rationalization was that in June, we have a project that is nearing completion and we will need to present to management a project presentation. because of this, we will need to see each other to prep and present, and work together in the prep. i thought that by "breaking the ice" now and making it not awkward, it would be better for me in june. which was why i rationalized it was ok to agree to meet with him earlier this week. didn't expect that emotionally it'd still bother me so much - NC after 3 months! i thought i moved on faster than that. with not seeing him, i felt ok most of the time. now i feel anxious and nervous ALL the time, wondering what his game plan is. i cant believe i spend my entire workday wondering if i am worthy of his attention