why the heck am i still here?

[Cinnimon]

I know this is VERY hard, I think you are doing great. This board is therapeutic, I'm rooting for you!

[Rainbow00]

I know this is VERY hard, I think you are doing great. This board is therapeutic, I'm rooting for you!

 

Thanks cinnimon! I will PM you when I get the privilege, very much looking forward to it. Thanks again for the support

[Rainbow00]

Well I'm awake at 3 am because ... Well I don't know why. But my mind is racing and I still feel a void and I hate it. As much as I try to push thoughts out of my head I keep thinking about what if this, what if that, and the good times together.

 

I hope this passes soon. It's that anxiety feeling, that the pressure is building and I need relief. But there's no way to get it but to feel these feelings so I can move forward

[Rainbow00]

I'm not really sure but I thought it was 100. I know when "established member" appears under your name you are able to PM.

 

Read up on this and it looks like I havent been a member long enough to get this privilege yet. Darn!

[Rainbow00]

Well, it's the weekend and I never spoke to him on the weekends anyway. But I'm wondering what hes doing, what hes thinking, and missing him. I know he is very busy so even when together, he hardly had time to think about me. Now, I bet even less. It hurts that this is still weighing on me so heavily and I know he is just cruising through life as if this never happened. I hate how men can compartimentalize feelings like this. I dont even remember what it was like before him, how I used up my time. When with him, he was always on my mind and I was always looking forward to our next meeting, our next interaction, our chats...

 

I remember in particular one pathetic moment when I knew I would be able to chat with him all night on the phone. I was so excited all day. I remember in the moment recognizing how pathetic that was, but then quickly brushed that aside because I was happy and looking forward to "all this time" with him. Now, I can still remember that high and happiness I felt. I miss things like that. I feel empty at times and unsure if I would ever be able to feel that kind of longing and excitement again. It sure is an addiction; he isn't even that attractive to me neither emotionally or physically. And I know when with him, I was always disappointed. He would tell me we would go out one night, then stand me up with no explanation until the day after (wife got suspicious, etc). He would promise me some time, then only give me a sliver of it. I see how this made me more and more desperate for his time, but every time he gave it to me it was a rush of excitement and happiness.

 

I'm a smart woman; successful in my career and highly educated. But I still let him play me like this, and I wasn't even that into him to begin with! I can't believe he was able to rope me into this. I rememeber scoffing as his attempts to reel me in at the beginning stages, as it was silly and I would *never* like a man like him. But look at me now. Sad and hurting over him almost daily, while he prances on with his life.

[whatatangledweb]

Rainbow00, I am on the opposite side as a BS. What I did when I thought of what my husband had done or anything to do with the affair I pictured a stop sign and forced myself to think of something else. It was hard but became easier with time.

If you continue to relive it or think of it , you will just hurt every day all day long. I did that for for a while and it was horrible.

I am so sorry you are hurting.

[Rainbow00]

Rainbow00, I am on the opposite side as a BS. What I did when I thought of what my husband had done or anything to do with the affair I pictured a stop sign and forced myself to think of something else. It was hard but became easier with time.

If you continue to relive it or think of it , you will just hurt every day all day long. I did that for for a while and it was horrible.

I am so sorry you are hurting.

 

Tangled - I didn't know you were a BS (I've been reading the forums a lot but am mentally distracted due to this xMM thing, so I apologize if you had posted your story and it's slipped my mind).

 

But I can't imagine the poise you have right now, as a BS, to be on this area of the forum... Aren't you so angry with all of us? I don't know if I could do it. And here you are trying to make me feel better...? I know I deserve all the pain I brought upon myself, I participated knowing that this was wrong. How can you be so strong and forgiving to say things like this to people who were AP to your partner? The only shred of self worth I have left is that I never let it get physical. And he probably wasnt emotionally attached. But boy, I sure am... and I'm hurting because of it.

 

Whenever i think of him and the good times, I picture him standing on a cliff or him at the end of a long, barren road. And me, driving away from him so that he is smaller and smaller, more insiginicant by the day. I wish I didn't break NC, that temporary high is nowhere near worth it. And now the fall is even further down because I got my hopes up.

[GoldieLox]

Hi Rainbow... what Tangled is describing is called a thought-stopping technique (what an original name, huh?) and with practice, can be very effective. Sometimes I notice that using the same one for some time loses it's effect, so a quick google search (or asking an IC if you see one) can help.

 

Keep hanging in there.

[Rainbow00]

Hi Goldie, looks like I was using that technique even before knowing it was a real one! When I find my mind wandering (especially during times I'd always spend with him, or while driving), I noticed I would often go down the rabbit hole of good times and get so sad missing him, and missing how he made me feel. Missed the excitement of hearing from him, or sneaking a moment with him.

 

This technique does help, I alternate between picturing me driving away from him on a long empty road, or him being knocked off a cliff (ha, mature right?).

 

Doing okay today...

[Rainbow00]

Ha, right when I think I'm doing okay, I see a trigger that sets me back all over again. I won't really get into what it was; it's not important anyway, but now I'm spiraling back into thoughts of him. Thinking of the times he was sweet to me, and the things he bought for me, the things he did for me that showed he "cared". I do believe he cared for me truly when we were together, but I was never on his true priority list. He made it clear he was never going to leave his family because of his kids.

 

I flip flop between missing HIM and missing the way he made me feel. I was constantly thinking about him, thinking of ways we could sneak some more time together, places we could go, things I could do for him. Seeing his name pop up on my text message, or my email account... that rush. I was also very unhappy when with him, always wishing for more and being disappointed when he let me down. And boy, did he let me down over and over again. It got to the point where I would be grateful for any shred of attention he would give me that I accepted it. It was pathetic on my part, really. Near the end, he wouldn't even let me express my feelings of this discontent - which really speaks volumes on how he really felt about me. I mean, I knew it was never love, but it just got worse and worse and every day I would be preoccupied with when he would be nice to me next, when would I deserve his time next?

 

Just rambling. I miss him. I can't tell if I'm getting stronger or weaker, I feel so good some hours and so lonely others. I'm still upset at his recent hot/cold behavior, especially when hes acting so happy and jubilant when saying hi to me now. wonder if hes reveling in his power when I pathetically broke NC and then asked him why he was ignoring me? I wonder if he's already moved on to the next woman. hes had many before me.

[anabel32]

Just posting it here as you have your own thread here...

Anabel, thanks for the update! I read and reread your post. I relate to so much of what you said - even not experiencing some of it. Like how I know we can't be friends because I would just want more and more. We were never physical but whe spending time together he would always Rush off to make sure he wssnt late. I felt lonely often when in an EA because I kept wanting more and every time he broke a promise or left me hanging I felt horrible about myself.

 

How could I let him breake down so much? I've never felt addiction like this. I still miss him. I'm going to think about what you said and post back later you really are an inspiration to me, silly as that sounds. I want to be as strong as you.

Rainbow, you are strong, you just forgot about it for a while... and you lost trust in yourself that you can do it.

What I feel and observe... I may be wrong... but let me put some thoughts here...that you are staying in marriage that is unhappy for you and your MM let you taste what something more stronger, something more intimate was still possible outside of your relationship with your husband. You say you live together but are like roommates.. why have you decided to stay this way? Why do you want to stay married to someone you don't feel connected to anymore.... are you willing to work on it or do you think you will stay broken forever?? Please let me understand your situation a bit more...

 

Why I ask about it is that staying in marriage that doesn't give you what true loving relationship should give you, you became totally dependent on your MM to give you what was missing in your marriage.. even though you claimed you are not sure if you loved him really. But you became so dependent on him to be your excuse for dealing with your own unhappy feelings that you are struggling now to let him go. As without him you are left feeling how unhappy you trully are... Until you start dealing and trying to sort out your closest relationships... firstly with yourself and then make some healthy space around you (your husband- either leaving or trying to make it more healthy and start working on it) you will always try to find ESCAPE from yourself and your own unhappiness in other people..to find distractions from your own life.... because you will want to avoid dealing with your most "nearest" issues. This is where you will become clingy and dependent on other people to "numb" you from the pain... just like drugs do.. they numb you and make you feel good about yourself for a while but then when reality hits.. that your drug "MM" cannot really give you what you truly want you are then left again to face your unhappiness again... and you may not like it. You will then miss and struggle to let go of the drug for a long time and crave to reconnect...

I would say Rainbow... until you start facing yourself , dealing with your own problems, your marriage.. you will never be trully happy..

 

Stop running away from yourself...

 

Think about it and let me know what you think...

[whatatangledweb]

Tangled - I didn't know you were a BS (I've been reading the forums a lot but am mentally distracted due to this xMM thing, so I apologize if you had posted your story and it's slipped my mind).

 

But I can't imagine the poise you have right now, as a BS, to be on this area of the forum... Aren't you so angry with all of us? I don't know if I could do it. And here you are trying to make me feel better...? I know I deserve all the pain I brought upon myself, I participated knowing that this was wrong. How can you be so strong and forgiving to say things like this to people who were AP to your partner? The only shred of self worth I have left is that I never let it get physical. And he probably wasnt emotionally attached. But boy, I sure am... and I'm hurting because of it.

 

Whenever i think of him and the good times, I picture him standing on a cliff or him at the end of a long, barren road. And me, driving away from him so that he is smaller and smaller, more insiginicant by the day. I wish I didn't break NC, that temporary high is nowhere near worth it. And now the fall is even further down because I got my hopes up.

 

I was angry at all OW for about a year. Then I realized that none of you were her. And I started to listen to what you were saying and I learned so much by doing that. OW are people just like BS, you hurt just like we do.I hate to see people hurting no matter where you fit in the affair triangle. I judge the OW in my husband's affair but none of you. I help when I can and stay out of it when I can't.

 

You are doing what I did but using the driving away instead of the stop sign.

[Rainbow00]

Thanks tangled, it means a lot that you're still trying to help even though you were hurt by this situation. Where are you and your H now? Were you able to work it out, or was it too much to get over?

 

I'm trying very hard today to not think about it. Lots of things remind me of him and I still miss it. Just trying to take it day by day. I wish I knew what he was thinking and why he's acting this way. In a way I wish I never picked that fight with him and we were still together. It's hard not to think what if.. But I know it's for the best. I'm ready to stop feeling this way though! It's so tiring

[Rainbow00]

Just venting. Saw him a few times today, he just acted cold and civil. Some small talk but no emotion and just doing it to save face professionally.

 

I'm still confused and angry he's acting like this. Couldn't have at least given the decency to say we shouldn't talk anymore or something? Just to go from super excited to me breakig Nc and saying how much he missed me and can't wait to hang out again, to ignoring me and blowing me off. If you change your mind sure but at least I deserve a heads up. I guess not.

 

Not sure how I feel today. Trying to keep busy to keep him off my mind. I know I'm not on his. I do think the rate I'm moving forward is faster this time compared to the first NC though. Hope I don't skip backwards...

[Decisiontomake]

Just venting. Saw him a few times today, he just acted cold and civil. Some small talk but no emotion and just doing it to save face professionally.

 

I'm still confused and angry he's acting like this. Couldn't have at least given the decency to say we shouldn't talk anymore or something? Just to go from super excited to me breakig Nc and saying how much he missed me and can't wait to hang out again, to ignoring me and blowing me off. If you change your mind sure but at least I deserve a heads up. I guess not.

 

Not sure how I feel today. Trying to keep busy to keep him off my mind. I know I'm not on his. I do think the rate I'm moving forward is faster this time compared to the first NC though. Hope I don't skip backwards...

 

I'm 4 weeks NC today and it's NOT a linear process - two steps forward, one step back a lot of the time. Hang in there. I know what you mean about NC being easier the second time around -well easier is probably not the right word, but I know you know what I mean! We did 3 weeks previously back in September and I was a wreck throughout that for most of the time. This time I'm 80% ok, other than the rose tinted "what ifs" when they pop up.

[lookingforclosure]

 

I'm still confused and angry he's acting like this. Couldn't have at least given the decency to say we shouldn't talk anymore or something? Just to go from super excited to me breakig Nc and saying how much he missed me and can't wait to hang out again, to ignoring me and blowing me off. If you change your mind sure but at least I deserve a heads up. I guess not.

 

When my xMM through the hook out to me in January saying we just needed some time apart and that it wasn't goodbye...and he loved me and was terrified to take this step, I believed I would hear from him in the time frame HE proposed. But then I was left like you...no response

I would've rather had...I never loved you, leave me alone. Don't ever contact me...I made a huge mistake I love my wife..SOMETHING. I feel by him not responding in his crazy mind he feels he has left the door cracked a bit just in case things fall apart. But this weekend I closed the door for him, I did what he didn't have the courage to do...because at this point there's really nothing he could say to me that I would believe anyway.

 

I mean even if he came to my house professing his love for me...that he was wrong, he couldn't make things work because he wanted to be with me....how could I believe him after he left the me, whom he claimed to love so much..to suffer in silence. I have been so sick over all this...and he hasn't cared one bit. So for me, I have to stay where i'm at. I miss the person I thought he was...but I saw a quote

 

"when someone shows you who they are...believe it"

[Gloria_Smellons]

I'm still confused and angry he's acting like this. Couldn't have at least given the decency to say we shouldn't talk anymore or something? Just to go from super excited to me breakig Nc and saying how much he missed me and can't wait to hang out again, to ignoring me and blowing me off. If you change your mind sure but at least I deserve a heads up. I guess.

 

Rainbow, I just want to say you're doing great.

 

One small point I think it may be worth considering. Don't fall into the trap of thinking 'oh, this would all be so much easier if he'd do x instead of y'. In all likelihood if he did do y you'd simply be stuck wondering why he wasn't doing x instead.

 

It doesn't matter what MM does or doesn't do. This will be incredibly hard and painful until it isn't, so just keep moving forward as best you can.

[Rainbow00]

I'm 4 weeks NC today and it's NOT a linear process - two steps forward, one step back a lot of the time. Hang in there. I know what you mean about NC being easier the second time around -well easier is probably not the right word, but I know you know what I mean! We did 3 weeks previously back in September and I was a wreck throughout that for most of the time. This time I'm 80% ok, other than the rose tinted "what ifs" when they pop up.

 

Thank you - sometimes I get really down on myself when I feel myself slipping back into the emotions that I'm trying to avoid. Some days I feel great and definitely moving forward, feeling like my feelings are fading. Then some trigger or a glimpse of him (I have been trying VERY hard to avoid him) and then I slip right back. Or when I'm driving and have nothing better to think about (although I am trying to focus on music/my audiobook), I think about the things he did for me that showed he "cared". And I miss that. I try not to think about it, but I often do... about what he told me when we were together. About how he had such strong feelings for me, that he would always be there for me, even if things didn't work out. How he would always be my friend, never shut me out, etc etc. I'm sure all MM say that. But I believed him, stupidly.

 

But yes, I do think it's easier this time. The first time we went NC, I went five weeks and the first week was brutal. Didn't really eat, sleep, or do anything but feel so depressed. This time, it never got that low and I feel myself being able to fade my feelings for him much more quickly. I think the first time, I always left the door open a crack. I was the one that demanded NC; he wanted to still be friends. I knew I couldn't handle that emotionally, so I refused. He begged and begged - I thought that showed he really cared. But I insisted, and I felt empowered and in control because *i* was forcing *him* to not talk to me. But now that I broke NC and even worse, acted desperately towards him, I lost all my power and dignity... and maybe that's why its easier to get over this time. Before, I had the chance to open the door again, to break NC. Now I can't do that anymore, and his actions are clear. He had shut the door and since there isn't anything (reasonable) I do can do about it, its forcing me to move on.

[Rainbow00]

When my xMM through the hook out to me in January saying we just needed some time apart and that it wasn't goodbye...and he loved me and was terrified to take this step, I believed I would hear from him in the time frame HE proposed. But then I was left like you...no response

I would've rather had...I never loved you, leave me alone. Don't ever contact me...I made a huge mistake I love my wife..SOMETHING. I feel by him not responding in his crazy mind he feels he has left the door cracked a bit just in case things fall apart. But this weekend I closed the door for him, I did what he didn't have the courage to do...because at this point there's really nothing he could say to me that I would believe anyway.

 

I mean even if he came to my house professing his love for me...that he was wrong, he couldn't make things work because he wanted to be with me....how could I believe him after he left the me, whom he claimed to love so much..to suffer in silence. I have been so sick over all this...and he hasn't cared one bit. So for me, I have to stay where i'm at. I miss the person I thought he was...but I saw a quote

 

"when someone shows you who they are...believe it"

 

Oh, I relate to this so much. I had the constant internal questioning of why they're acting like this. When I broke NC, the way he acted, I was sure I could hook him back into an EA again. And admittedly, that's what I wanted. He was very flirty, asking about when we could be alone together, about who I was seeing, updates on my family life, all of that. Asking if we could be friends again, and that we could hang out soon? That happened on Friday, then on Monday when I reached out to say hi, he was completely cold. I asked him why he was acting like that, and no reply. And that's been that. He had "promised" me he would contact me last week so we could meet up, and told me again and again how much he missed me and excited i was "back". But then why drop me like that? Like you, I would have much rather had a "I was thinking about it this weekend, and it's best if we don't talk. Sorry." Or SOMETHING! But to act so giddy that we could be back together, and to completely ignore me - even when I reach out... it sucks. And I can think of a million reasons why he's acting like this (recommitting in earnest to work on his M, knowing this is wrong, etc etc.) but not knowing exactly why HE thinks and why hes acting like this is driving me absolutely nuts. But not nuts enough to contact him; I know that wouldn't get anywhere anyway. In my mind, I closed the door. He doesn't know that, although I'm sure he has a good idea. But I don't even want to open the communication with him to tell him that it's NC again. He's doing NC for us anyway. I just wish I had that power back.

 

I hate how they can just drop us and move on. At least an explanation or even a sentence would have made us feel so much better. But to act/say that they will contact us, and then completely 180? It blindsided me. And that's the hardest part. Although I'm actively trying very hard to keep him out of my thoughts, I still default to this often. Why string me up like that? Are you getting back at me for demanding NC and taking away your power? Were you actually excited to see me or was it part of your twisted plan? Is this all about your ego? Couldn't you have given me a heads up at least? Obviously these men are bad and selfish, but why am I still pining over this...

 

Btw, quote is from Maya Angelou

[Rainbow00]

Rainbow, I just want to say you're doing great.

 

One small point I think it may be worth considering. Don't fall into the trap of thinking 'oh, this would all be so much easier if he'd do x instead of y'. In all likelihood if he did do y you'd simply be stuck wondering why he wasn't doing x instead.

 

It doesn't matter what MM does or doesn't do. This will be incredibly hard and painful until it isn't, so just keep moving forward as best you can.

 

Gloria, thank you for the encouragement. I really, truly need it. Although sticking to NC is easy; I have given up far too much of my dignity already to reach out to him again... it still is difficult moving on from this.

 

But you're right. I often think this would be a lot easier if he just told me why he 180'ed on me. I mean, I have some good guesses. But I feel like I would have better closure if I heard it from him. But what if I did? I wouldn't trust him anyway. He's obviously lied to me, his W, and i'm sure many others throughout this EA. And he's had physical ones with other women prior. And if he did reach out and tell me why he's acting this way, I'm sure it would hurt anyway. I just wish I had the power back. I feel so silly and desperate. I know it's just an addiction, though. I keep trying to tell myself that.

 

I do feel like I'm still moving forward though. Although thoughts of him and the goods times still crop up, there are less emotions associated with it. It used to make me so sad and miss and yearn for those times back. Now, its just a faded good feeling. I used to wish I never picked that fight with him that caused him to end things. I still kind of wish I didn't, but I am not flooded with a sense of despair and regret anymore. It's so tiring to constantly shift my thoughts, so I hope it gets easier soon. It sucks knowing he's moved on completely, not affecting him at all. Seems unfair, but that's life...

[Rainbow00]

The hardest part (besides missing him and asking why, heh) is relearning how to be happy...

 

For the last 6 months he was the center of my attention, as sad as that is. I looked forward to going to work every day to see him. I looked forward to the times we could be together, and just chat and flirt. I looked forward to the texts I would get, and got so excited at times I knew I could just talk with him for hours at night. I would always be on the lookout for times for us to be together (although we were never physical), to go have dinner, to grab a drink just the two of us. I was always thinking of ways to make him happy - leaving him small notes here and there, making him a baked treat I knew he would like. On weekends, I would think of things to talk to him about, tell him about my thoughts and what I did when we were apart.

 

He was just so consuming in my life. Everything was like a countdown of when I got to see him next, talk to him next. It was such a high and a rush when I saw his name on my screen. When I wasn't with him, I was simply looking for ways to pass the time until I did get to see him again (and I saw him very frequently).

 

I understand rereading what I wrote, how sad that is. And how I really lost my sense of self. He was my excitement and my rush. I have to remember that it also caused me great pain when he stood me up or missed our "skype dates". I need to remember that being with him was also very hard and lonely. Its just hard to do that sometimes.

[Rainbow00]

Hi everyone,

 

Just needed an outlet and some support. I miss him a lot today. Sometimes I get really sad and just want to text him and reach out. Except obviously theres no point at all, I opened the door wide open and invited him in and all he did was 180 on me. I feel low, like I'm not good enough for him. I know it's irrational but before I was good enough to get his attention and his time, enough to tempt him away from work and family. And now I'm not. I see him here and there because we work together but no contact. I try my best to avoid potential areas where he would be. I always feel very low right after seeing him, I get a rush of emotions. Mostly sad and still liking him quite a bit. It sucks because to him, seeing me was just a split second of the day. No further thought. But to me it matters so much and hurts and that's not fair.

 

On the other hand, there is someone else that is heavily pursuing me and I am not at all interested. But I recognize what he is doing and it is what I used tondo with xMM. Sending pointless and baiting texts, going out of his way to rearrange his schedule to see me, contacting me on messaging and phone platforms etc. I just brush it off with one or two word answers or ignore completely. But the point is, I know how xMM must feel about me. A pathetic pesky person just trying too hRd to get into his life. And that sucks. I believed him when he said he missed me when I broke NC about a week ago, i believed him when he said he would contact me and we would hang out. This is the typical "he said he'd call!" And not calling... But it hurts after all this time. I was so emotionally attached. Just picturing his name pop up on my phone gives me a rush. Why did I get my hopes up so much that he would call and we would pick up where we left off? Or even just friends? I know I probably couldn't handle being friends but I feel so rejected when he won't even talk to me. And I'm not going to reach out and look even more desperate but... I still hate the way I feel. And I miss him.

 

I hope this gets better soon, this is so tiring...

[Ifalltopieces]

I think you need to pat yourself on the back for sticking to NC. Sure, at the beginning you had a rough start, but as each day goes on you've fought your urges to contact him. It may not feel like you have made much progress but your slowly getting pieces of yourself back.

 

Keep your head up!!! It's only going to get easier

[privategal]

Its tough when you are having to see him so I hope you will be able to stay strong and be ok, as time goes by maybe some more peace will settle in, Im really sorry. One thing I do which I think hurts me too, is assume how they are feeling about us, they don't miss us, it isn't hard for them.

I am learning to try and exercise compassion that maybe he did care, but cared more to stand by his morals and do right by his wife and family.

Maybe its the same for you?

We wont always get the reasons and closure but I assure you it must be equally hard on them but its a poker face. He has to stand his ground though his heart likely will ache too.

Try and think positive, your correct not to date right this second, give your heart a break as you heal and keep your dignity not to write.

At first NC works against you as it feels unnatural not to reach out and it hurts, but it really is necessary, its your friend, you have to let it rest though it feels like being the walking dead, you gotta keep going until life brings you the opportunity you need to leave there.

Hugs! Im really sorry its tough right now. Your gonna get through it.

[GoldieLox]

What are you having more trouble with, the fact that you miss him or your self-esteem issues? I'm not trying to be snarky with that question, it's a legitimate one. The reason I ask is because I was on this "I miss him, I miss him" bender for a good while until I realized that yes, I miss him, but the true issue here is lying within myself and the feeling of rejection. The feeling that I got kicked to the curb like trash. These feelings that I'm having a hard time dealing with.

 

Obviously we're all different, but a lot of us suffer from the same issues. I just want you to think about it for a little bit.