why the heck am i still here?

[Cinnimon]

I vote for us to go on an all OW week, no month long retreat to Cabo with lots of wine and spirits being poured! Who's in ??

[lookingforclosure]

I am most definitely in!!

[m4p]

I am most definitely in!!

 

I am so in... if not for the fact that I live on the other side of the globe from you guys

 

That aside, after dday, I made an effort to go for short getaway trips. I went to a beach holiday.. I went scuba diving.. and I will be going for a couple more trips in a few months time. Nothing heals like time, champagne and a good massage!

[Rainbow00]

I'm in! It's nice to know that I'm not alone in dealing with type of embarrassing and (imo) shameful situation.

 

I was doing so well this weekend, really felt like I was moving on. He was on my mind a lot less and even when he was I didn't get That empty lonely feeling. But now back at work it's so familiar the routine. When he would text me. When we would talk for hours in his private office and he would make me feel so good (emotionally). I really miss the rush and the excitement. It makes me sad I'll never get that Rush again by seeing his name Pop up. I sometimes get work emails with him on them and I see his name and even seeing his name or hearing his voice down the hall sends me into a little plummet. I wish I was over him. I wish he still wanted me like he said he did.

[GoldieLox]

There we go, you said it Rainbow. Familiar routines. THAT'S what I'm having issues with at work. I can't go anywhere in the building where we weren't together (yep, incredibly stupid and dangerous of us but I can't take it back now) and I think it just triggers me. He used to literally chase me and always be so excited to see me (of course he was, I was giving him something) but he also said he just liked being around me. So I don't get it.

[Blu72]

I don't know what I'd do if we still worked together. He would always find ways to work on projects with me and always came over for coffee when I got to work (and he hated coffee). When he left about a year later the floor I worked on was being remodeled so I had to move to another building for a few months. It was on the same floor he used to work and down the hall from where we used to work together on projects. I hadn't been in that building since he had left. My heart would sink everytime I had to walk by there. Everything reminded me of him. I understand what you all are going through and I'm sorry there are so many triggers for you like that. Since he has been gone (3years now) he still talks about us working together and tries to recruit me for his company. It would be a step up for me, but there is no way I'm even considering that. I can't even imagine being with him in the same office everyday again like that. No way in hell.

[Adoraxx]

Yes, it's true how difficult it is when you have so many reminders around you, Rainbow & Goldielox. I live very close to xMM and it's so hard hearing his voice when I'm in my backyard or sometimes even when I'm in bed and when the window is open. The other day I walked past his house to go some place and I politely said hello to xMM (he couldn't see me but he was very close to his fence) and all he did was growl back a hello. And I haven't even done anything wrong as far as I know....... I just stopped giving him his cake, because he treated me so badly.

 

Anyway, I've decided that I want to avoid triggers as much as possible and I will no longer walk past his house. I just wish I could do something about hearing his voice/ music/ noise...... I can't put earphones on because of the kids.

[GoldieLox]

I slept absolutely terrible last night. He kept showing up in my dreams. Someone make him go away, please. Someone hypnotize me, or do some Harry Potter-esque crap and just make him disappear.

 

I'm so stuck at work that I'm REALLY lucky he's on vacation this week, or I'm pretty sure I would've caved. Not for emotional gratification of any sort (though I'm sure there would be some underlying there) but for the dire straits I'm in with my professional life. In reality, I think I've gotten some wonderful advice from others that I can really use the next week when this is all supposed to come together. I think it's my mind playing tricks on me. Deep down, I know I wouldn't ask him for a sip of water if I was dying in the desert.

[Southern Sun]

Working with my xMM was absolute utter misery, but I was also terrified to leave, because I was scared to lose what little relationship we had left.

 

Now that I'm gone, I cannot imagine still being there. I see now what a prison it was. My days were fraught with anxiety. I was totally preoccupied about whether or not he would acknowledge me or where he was or how he would treat me. Frankly, it was hell on earth.

 

My situation may have been different than yours Goldie. I worked directly with him, impossible to avoid.

[GoldieLox]

I would leave if I could. Back in the winter, I was thinking about leaving and coming back when this promotion was available. Just to give myself some time. I looked around, but nothing paid as well as my job now and it was not financially possible for me to take a pay cut. Believe me, I spent days trying to budget and figure it out, but it wasn't possible. Now that this promotion is available (which is my absolute dream job) I'm pretty much stuck here. At least until I get the promotion, then I'm pretty much marketable anywhere. The problem is, the promotion could come in as little as a month or as long as a year. It's confusing; I can't really explain it more because it would involve disclosing what I do.

 

The point is, I'm stuck here for now. I've gotta try to make the best of it. Sometimes at work I have moments of clarity. I need to learn to stretch them out. I know what you mean though, Southern. I used to find myself preoccupied with that a lot. Now, I don't bother. I know he will not acknowledge me (why, I have no idea. I didn't do anything to him). Christ, if he has to call my office he specifically calls someone else and will not talk to me unless he has to. It's madness.

[Blu72]

Goldie - maybe he is doing that not only for himself but for you too. So it's not as hard to move on. But I get what you are saying. I used to massively obsess about MM when we worked together and he was the one who pursued me heavily. If he didn't come over for coffee or IM me within the first hour of getting to work I would obsess with wondering why. When he would leave for the day, I would watch for his IM to shut down and check the window to watch him walk out the building across the walkway to the parking lot. When I would get to work, I would drive thru the parking garage to where he normally would park to see if he was at work that day. And if I didn't see his car, I would be so depressed going into work. It was completely ridiculous. The first week he was gone, I thought I would die. After that week, it was like a black cloud lifted at work for me.

[GoldieLox]

I absolutely get what you're saying, Blu. It just feels so heartless to me that it seems like he doesn't care. It's like now that he's washed his hands of me, he can just go back on with his wonderful life and I'm here to pick up the pieces. Again, this is where my massive self-esteem issues come into play. It's getting to be absurd.

[Southern Sun]

I absolutely get what you're saying, Blu. It just feels so heartless to me that it seems like he doesn't care. It's like now that he's washed his hands of me, he can just go back on with his wonderful life and I'm here to pick up the pieces. Again, this is where my massive self-esteem issues come into play. It's getting to be absurd.

 

Goldie, your xMM just sounds like a jerk with a low relationship IQ. The fact is, he got himself into something with you when he shouldn't have. He didn't know how to get out of it and he's handling the aftermath like an immature idiot. I'd consider him a bullet dodged and give him a WIDE berth. Avoid him harder than he's avoiding you. He truly just has no other idea how to handle you, because he shouldn't have gotten himself involved with another woman in the first place. He's a dummy. Rise above this one and recognize that he probably doesn't have the tools to even know how to behave properly in this situation. It's a tough one.

[GoldieLox]

Or there's that. He could've fed me all those lines about feelings just to make the guilt go away for himself. I don't know anymore. There's so many reasons why he could be acting like this. Sitting here wondering about it won't make answers magically drop down from heaven. All I know is I'm sick of crying over this. I'm so sick of crying.

[DKT3]

Goldie, your xMM just sounds like a jerk with a low relationship IQ. The fact is, he got himself into something with you when he shouldn't have. He didn't know how to get out of it and he's handling the aftermath like an immature idiot. I'd consider him a bullet dodged and give him a WIDE berth. Avoid him harder than he's avoiding you. He truly just has no other idea how to handle you, because he shouldn't have gotten himself involved with another woman in the first place. He's a dummy. Rise above this one and recognize that he probably doesn't have the tools to even know how to behave properly in this situation. It's a tough one.

 

I'm really not trying to be an azzhole, but honestly aren't you all in the same position? What the MM are doing is not so far off what's being done to the BH's by you guys. They have been casted aside as all your emotional enegry is focused on these other men.

[GoldieLox]

I'm really not trying to be an azzhole, but honestly aren't you all in the same position? What the MM are doing is not so far off what's being done to the BH's by you guys. They have been casted aside as all your emotional enegry is focused on these other men.

 

I understand what you're saying and have been trying to refocus everything I have on my husband and trying to put this behind me. I'm doing the best I can to get through it with what little support I have. Before we jump on the confessing bandwagon, that's not an option. He made it clear he does not want to know.

[Josmatjes]

There are always going to be triggers, snags or places...lwhatever. But it's not always about the xmm, sometimes it's about that time in your life, if you were happy. What I do is remember how it ended and every time I go down a sad road I think of my family and what they mean to me. I redirect any and all thoughts and it's working wonders. I want a good life and deception doesn't have a place in that life.

Set some goals for yourself and work hard to achieve them! You can do it...

[DKT3]

I understand what you're saying and have been trying to refocus everything I have on my husband and trying to put this behind me. I'm doing the best I can to get through it with what little support I have. Before we jump on the confessing bandwagon, that's not an option. He made it clear he does not want to know.

 

I'm not talking about confessions.

 

If I'm speaking honestly, when I read this section it goes something like this "blah blah ME, blah blah I blah blah ENTITLEMENT.

 

So much of the focus is on how I feel for what is being done to me and very little empathy on what's been done to the spouse, and how this affair or continued focus on ended ones is killing the marriage.

 

I think if more was done to redirect the energy and focus on the family (as Jos mentioned) then NC could be a bit more easy.

[GoldieLox]

And again, as I previously mentioned (see above), I am doing what I can to refocus things. I'm not going to get into what I'm doing here because I really should've have to.

 

I know what's been done to my spouse and to my marriage. Husband sees what it's doing to the marriage, even if he elects to remain in the dark about the actual situation. I see the consequences of it everyday. I feel the faster I get over whatever pain and hurt I'm going through, the more the pain diminishes, the more that can be turned into positive energy. Therefore, I use this forum as an outlet and a tool to try and work through whatever I'm feeling. And entitlement? Yeah. I'm entitled to feelings (though that's about it at this point). Just because I temporarily turned into a terrible person and make sh-tty choices does not mean that I don't have feelings still. That does not mean that I lack a regard for his wife or my husband. I'm aware of what I did and am trying to move forward as best as I can. But I'm still entitled to have feelings.

Edited April 8, 2015 by GoldieLox

[Rainbow00]

Goldie - maybe he is doing that not only for himself but for you too. So it's not as hard to move on. But I get what you are saying. I used to massively obsess about MM when we worked together and he was the one who pursued me heavily. If he didn't come over for coffee or IM me within the first hour of getting to work I would obsess with wondering why. When he would leave for the day, I would watch for his IM to shut down and check the window to watch him walk out the building across the walkway to the parking lot. When I would get to work, I would drive thru the parking garage to where he normally would park to see if he was at work that day. And if I didn't see his car, I would be so depressed going into work. It was completely ridiculous. The first week he was gone, I thought I would die. After that week, it was like a black cloud lifted at work for me.

 

Blu, thanks for reminding me of this. I did EXACTLY this when we were together. If he came into work and didn't send me a text, IM, or come say hi within the first 30 minutes, I would be annoyed. I would be nervous if he was cutting me off, or wonder if I wasn't important to him anymore. I would watch his IM shut down as well, and be ticked if he didn't say goodbye to me (he did 99% of the time). I could see his car from my desk, and I would glance throughout the day to see if he was still at work (we both travel frequently off-site for 1-3 hours during the day). I would hate weekends because I wouldn't be able to see or talk to him. Longer vacations he took with his family, or xmas or thanksgiving, I was unhappy having no contact with him. He would sneak in snippets of texts and convo here and there, and I would feel so special. So special that he'd risk a little bit to send me something to let me know I was on his mind. On the flip side, I would be upset if he missed a 'skype date' or lunch or whatever, even though I knew the situation wasn't supposed to even exist anyway. I know I was wrong and ridiculous; but I really liked him. And he reciprocated these feelings and most of the actions as well. I have to remind myself that though I had rushes when he would make me feel wanted and important and special, that I would also often be stressed and upset when i didn't get the time I expected. I remember telling my therapist this, that I was constantly in a state of lows with infrequent highs when he contacted me.

[Rainbow00]

Working with my xMM was absolute utter misery, but I was also terrified to leave, because I was scared to lose what little relationship we had left.

 

Now that I'm gone, I cannot imagine still being there. I see now what a prison it was. My days were fraught with anxiety. I was totally preoccupied about whether or not he would acknowledge me or where he was or how he would treat me. Frankly, it was hell on earth.

 

My situation may have been different than yours Goldie. I worked directly with him, impossible to avoid.

 

I hate being on edge, knowing xMM could be anywhere. I know eventually he will contact me about his project; it is one of the larger projects he owns and I have been overdue on providing an update (because I don't want to talk to him at all). He will probably email me, but even seeing his name and knowing he is communicating with me... sadly, I know I will be excited. Even though I have mentally prepared myself for this. I just want to know WHY he 180'ed on me after breaking NC. If you wanted to stay NC, then why beg me to still be friends, still talk? Why ask me all these flirty and lovey things, and be so excited to hang out again? You couldve at least done me the decency of saying 'i think its better if we don't talk; i want to focus on rebuilding family'.

 

I know he's no winner. I know I am not a great person now either. But i am trying to move on. I also try my very best to avoid the routes at work I know he takes, the areas he frequents. When he walks past me, I don't look at his face because I know that would trigger me. I even hold my breath so I don't catch a whiff of his cologne.

[Rainbow00]

There we go, you said it Rainbow. Familiar routines. THAT'S what I'm having issues with at work. I can't go anywhere in the building where we weren't together (yep, incredibly stupid and dangerous of us but I can't take it back now) and I think it just triggers me. He used to literally chase me and always be so excited to see me (of course he was, I was giving him something) but he also said he just liked being around me. So I don't get it.

 

Yeah, this is the worst part. That and being on edge knowing he's in the vicinity at work and I may run into him or hear his voice. I always had a routine with him, he would come into work... send me a good morning message, and we would chat for a bit about how our nights were. He woudl tell me his schedule for the day, and arrange a time for us to have lunch, or time just to chat alone in his office. We would text all day. And usually end up winding down together at the end of the day chatting about anything and everything. I miss all that. And whenever I hit a snag at work, he owns most my projects, so I would send him a text or call and he would take care of it for me. I miss having that safety net. And I miss his attention and affection. I see places we used to use to get some alone time (just talking/flirting, nothing physical) - like a conference room here, a hallway alcove there. Seeing all these places reminds me of the convos we had in those areas. Eating at the cafeteria or nearby places reminds me of meals we shared there. He too would literally find excuses or simply ask me where I was and come "chase" or find me during the day to surprise me sometimes. I miss that so much. I kind of wish I didn't remember these things; those memories were some of the sweeter ones we had together and I hate how its all changed now. I still wish I never picked the fight, and that things never changed. I know this is for the best, but I still miss him, and miss how he made me feel. So much.

[Rainbow00]

You know something else that's been helping me? Besides picturing him on a toilet/a stop sign/me driving away from him...

 

Knowing (and experiencing) that he would without hesitation put his wife before me. now before anyone jumps down my throat, I GET IT. I fully do. But as a *coping mechanism* reminding me of his actions that I am so easily cast aside does help. If she started becoming suspicious, he would without sorrow, stand me up on a date. Wouldn't even duck into a bathroom to send me a heads up text. And he did this multiple times. When he lied to her about who he was texting or whenever she started questioning, I thought he was protecting me. But no, he was obviously just protecting himself. He acted like I was so special and important to him for most of the time we were together, hence my addiction... but i need to remember he would without any hesitation, throw me under the bus to save himself and to make his wife happy. He would leave me hanging, and upset me. Then tell me I wasn't allowed to be unhappy due to the nature of this relationship. He would promise me and promise me time, and then miss it, then apologize days later upon my prodding and said "he had to make his wife breakfast" or something minor. I knew if it came down to it, he would immediately throw me aside to placate his wife. And I know he *should*. But reminding myself that - why am i so wrapped up in a guy that would just hurt me so easily like that? I get caught up in all the nice things he did - oh, he snuck around texting so that must mean i'm special. No, it was all about boosting HIS ego. he liked talking to me because a young attractive female was giving him attention and fawning over him.

 

This has helped me today, and i had a hard day at work and really wanted him to help me professionally. And i admit it, he used to make me feel emotionally better before too but i know he wouldnt now, and i wouldnt allow it anyway. But reminding myself... I was so easy for him to let down. He would immediately throw me away at any (visible) unhappiness of his family. He was only nice to me because he was good at hiding it from his family. I was just an entertainment to him, an ego boost. If push came to shove, I was nothing, and he would make me look like the bad guy. I'm so disposable.

 

ETA: I wonder if it's him or the addiction of how I felt that I miss so incredibly much. Sometimes I think I have a problem and just want male attention. But if that were the case, then I'd think that other guy that's (still) pursuing me heavily would make me feel good. But it doesn't. At all. I guess it just is an ego thing that I want someone that doesn't want me? Ugh.

Edited April 9, 2015 by Rainbow00

[lookingforclosure]

 

Knowing (and experiencing) that he would without hesitation put his wife before me. now before anyone jumps down my throat, I GET IT. I fully do. But as a *coping mechanism* reminding me of his actions that I am so easily cast aside does help. If she started becoming suspicious, he would without sorrow, stand me up on a date. Wouldn't even duck into a bathroom to send me a heads up text. And he did this multiple times. When he lied to her about who he was texting or whenever she started questioning, I thought he was protecting me. But no, he was obviously just protecting himself. He acted like I was so special and important to him for most of the time we were together, hence my addiction... but i need to remember he would without any hesitation, throw me under the bus to save himself and to make his wife happy. He would leave me hanging, and upset me. Then tell me I wasn't allowed to be unhappy due to the nature of this relationship. He would promise me and promise me time, and then miss it, then apologize days later upon my prodding and said "he had to make his wife breakfast" or something minor. I knew if it came down to it, he would immediately throw me aside to placate his wife. And I know he *should*. But reminding myself that - why am i so wrapped up in a guy that would just hurt me so easily like that? I get caught up in all the nice things he did - oh, he snuck around texting so that must mean i'm special. No, it was all about boosting HIS ego. he liked talking to me because a young attractive female was giving him attention and fawning over him.

 

This has helped me today, and i had a hard day at work and really wanted him to help me professionally. And i admit it, he used to make me feel emotionally better before too but i know he wouldnt now, and i wouldnt allow it anyway. But reminding myself... I was so easy for him to let down. He would immediately throw me away at any (visible) unhappiness of his family. He was only nice to me because he was good at hiding it from his family. I was just an entertainment to him, an ego boost. If push came to shove, I was nothing, and he would make me look like the bad guy. I'm so disposable.

 

I've had a hard day as well...hence the horrible heartburn I've got that NOTHING is helping with. I get stressed it all goes to my gut

 

 

My xMM would help me with things at work too...looking back God took me out of that situation about two months after the A turned from EA to PA. We used to have the same routine as you...there are places we would meet and talk that I don't even want to drive by anymore. But hey, he has to as well so that's a little consulation. I miss the feeling of security he gave me, stupid as it sounds right. How can you have security in an A. I had him on the phone or text all day and even on weekends. Lunch twice a week and after work 3-4 times a week. A few weekend nights here and there. But it was all in secret..no one knew at the time except my best friend. Even though rumors were flying before I left that job.

 

 

I've actually put in for a job in St Croix...I have friends that live there and it may be the best thing for me to start fresh. I need to try and find my own happiness before I can be happy with anyone else. xMM has ripped my self esteem to shreds, funny how confident I felt when I was with him though. I feel used up and disgardedjust as you say. But in all the things I've read online...they NEVER leave their family for the OW, so why bring anyone else into their mess

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm so disposable.

 

Come on. You know better than that.

 

And it isn't him; it's the addiction. You have him on a pedestal. Trust me, if you actually had him full-time, he would fall right off and become human!

 

Focus on his bad traits (I mean, other than being married). Certainly there was something he did that drove you nuts. Mine was obsessed with gum care (as in mouth). Had to brush his teeth/floss like 15 times a day. Now I'm sure that's better than the alternative, but still. It's a bit much. And one night we got back home late and he couldn't find his floss. (This is 1 in the morning and we were both exhausted). But no... we had to go out and drive 15 miles and go to 5 different places, trying to find a place that was open that sold floss. Are you freaking KIDDING ME? What a nutcase.

 

There's more, but you get the picture.