why the heck am i still here?

[Josmatjes]

I'm not talking about confessions.

 

If I'm speaking honestly, when I read this section it goes something like this "blah blah ME, blah blah I blah blah ENTITLEMENT.

 

So much of the focus is on how I feel for what is being done to me and very little empathy on what's been done to the spouse, and how this affair or continued focus on ended ones is killing the marriage.

 

I think if more was done to redirect the energy and focus on the family (as Jos mentioned) then NC could be a bit more easy.

 

 

I have to say I do agree a bit here. Sometimes I think that if my husband didn't know I may have fallen back into it.the door would always be cracked open. Also you have to heal together because you are both involved, it's something that happened to you both. If he doesn't know the healing can't begin.

 

On that note, I also understand that some people cannot tell. I get this. It really depends on the couple. My husband and I were in a very dark place and he knew this also. If your husband doesn't think anything is wrong than he may not forgive or even try to understand. You know yourself and your husband best so you have to do what's right for you. But the mm is a dead end..ltrust me on this...it can't and won't go anywhere...and even if it did, do you really want to be in a relationship that started with deception?

[Hope Shimmers]

I have to say I do agree a bit here. Sometimes I think that if my husband didn't know I may have fallen back into it.the door would always be cracked open. Also you have to heal together because you are both involved, it's something that happened to you both. If he doesn't know the healing can't begin.

 

On that note, I also understand that some people cannot tell. I get this. It really depends on the couple. My husband and I were in a very dark place and he knew this also. If your husband doesn't think anything is wrong than he may not forgive or even try to understand. You know yourself and your husband best so you have to do what's right for you. But the mm is a dead end..ltrust me on this...it can't and won't go anywhere...and even if it did, do you really want to be in a relationship that started with deception?

 

I'm sure it is seen by many as ME ME ME. And it is, for sure.

 

But there is a path and a process to getting yourself back and doing the right thing. The heart and the head don't always agree (this is where others who haven't been there don't get it) and in this situation the addiction to the affair can be overwhelming. In my opinion it is analogous to telling a practicing alcoholic to "just stop drinking". Easy if you aren't in those shoes. But there's just a little bit more to it, and I see threads like this as acknowledging and helping with that process.

[Southern Sun]

Or there's that. He could've fed me all those lines about feelings just to make the guilt go away for himself. I don't know anymore. There's so many reasons why he could be acting like this. Sitting here wondering about it won't make answers magically drop down from heaven. All I know is I'm sick of crying over this. I'm so sick of crying.

 

I hope I didn't hurt your feelings. I didn't mean it that way. I'm not saying he fed you any lines or that he didn't have true feelings. It's just that he appears to be coping in a way that hurts you. It's an unfortunate outcome of the situation and there really may not be a better way to do it. There's one thing I've realized - affairs suck.

[Rainbow00]

Come on. You know better than that.

 

And it isn't him; it's the addiction. You have him on a pedestal. Trust me, if you actually had him full-time, he would fall right off and become human!

 

Focus on his bad traits (I mean, other than being married). Certainly there was something he did that drove you nuts. Mine was obsessed with gum care (as in mouth). Had to brush his teeth/floss like 15 times a day. Now I'm sure that's better than the alternative, but still. It's a bit much. And one night we got back home late and he couldn't find his floss. (This is 1 in the morning and we were both exhausted). But no... we had to go out and drive 15 miles and go to 5 different places, trying to find a place that was open that sold floss. Are you freaking KIDDING ME? What a nutcase.

 

There's more, but you get the picture.

 

Haha, that's hilarious. And wow, I can't believe you were able to get home late at 1 am... I'm kind of glad i never reached that level of comfort or intimacy with my xMM; I can't imagine how much more attached i'd be.

 

For me, he sometimes had really bad breath. And would lean in and try to be cute with me, but it was such a turnoff. And he was slightly overweight. And he was so cocky and rude to some people, talking down to them like he was better than them. Yes, hes high up in the company, and I dont know if he just wanted to flaunt it in front of me to show off, what he was just a jerk sometimes.

 

Although his relationship with his W is very different from mine with my H, I would feel horrible whenever I was minutes late for a "phone date" or a texting "date". I would sometimes duck out of a friend's party or happy hour just to shoot him a text like - 'sorry, i'm running 10 minutes late. cant wait to talk to you!' i would feel So guilty!! But him, nothing. One time we were going to spend the entire night (not overnight) together, I was looking forward to it (and i thought he as well) for a MONTH. literally, a month. we never got that much uninterrupted face time together. it came and went, he never showed. then it was the weekend. then monday came, and he didnt even acknowledge it. I was crushed! I was worried something was really wrong - he got hurt, an emergency happened, his W finally caught on? no - his wife was tired, and wanted him to stay and watch a movie with his son. And ok, I get it... family comes first. that's the nature of this and I knew that going into it. But i was still mad. and hurt. and he didnt even feel the need to even acknowledge it or apologize. just 'something came up, sorry i couldnt make it. dont tell me you're upset or i'm not talking to you for today'. well, that's paraphrased, but the gist and attitude comes across. And here I am, trying to plan my friends and outings around HIS schedule and feeling bad when i was late or tired during our 'time', and he would blow them off without a second thought. I tend to remember the sweet times he did for me, that may showed he cared, like working extra hours at home so he could talk to me and hang out with me more at work. that means i'm kind of more important than his family right? (wow, i'm a bad person...) But i need to tell myself, that was for his OWN benefit. not for mine. for HIS ego. unfortunately my ego and my feelings got tangled into it.

[Rainbow00]

I'm sure it is seen by many as ME ME ME. And it is, for sure.

 

But there is a path and a process to getting yourself back and doing the right thing. The heart and the head don't always agree (this is where others who haven't been there don't get it) and in this situation the addiction to the affair can be overwhelming. In my opinion it is analogous to telling a practicing alcoholic to "just stop drinking". Easy if you aren't in those shoes. But there's just a little bit more to it, and I see threads like this as acknowledging and helping with that process.

 

I think the "me me me' mentality is pretty much what this type of forum is naturally going to be. if you go onto a breakup/coping forum, its going to be mostly women whining about how sad they are. that's pretty much what i'm doing here. an outlet for MY feelings, and in this type of relationship, its often some peoples only outlet so... its going to be a lot of how *I* feel, how sad *I* am, etc etc...

[Rainbow00]

I hope I didn't hurt your feelings. I didn't mean it that way. I'm not saying he fed you any lines or that he didn't have true feelings. It's just that he appears to be coping in a way that hurts you. It's an unfortunate outcome of the situation and there really may not be a better way to do it. There's one thing I've realized - affairs suck.

 

Yes, this was my first and only and I'm mad I now am forever a "cheater" (emotionally) and forever changed. He's not even that great of a guy my xMM.

 

And I agree, his coping is hurting you... but that's the way it unfolds to be honest, I sometimes did hope my NC was hurting him. It gave me the power to move forward and to feel in control. I think that's why it hurt so much when I broke it - i thought he would be thankful and happy, and he was... and then did it right back to me. I think he did that to hurt me and to feel powerful again.

[DKT3]

I think the "me me me' mentality is pretty much what this type of forum is naturally going to be. if you go onto a breakup/coping forum, its going to be mostly women whining about how sad they are. that's pretty much what i'm doing here. an outlet for MY feelings, and in this type of relationship, its often some peoples only outlet so... its going to be a lot of how *I* feel, how sad *I* am, etc etc...

 

Your situation and thoses in the breakup section is different because there is no one on the other side that is being put at risk both physically and emotionally.

 

I do have a question for all the women that posted on this thread.

 

Does ending the affair on your terms make NC easier?

 

I know that him ending it gives you the feeling of being rejected, thus the drive to win back his acceptance.

[Blu72]

I'm sure it is seen by many as ME ME ME. And it is, for sure.

 

But there is a path and a process to getting yourself back and doing the right thing. The heart and the head don't always agree (this is where others who haven't been there don't get it) and in this situation the addiction to the affair can be overwhelming. In my opinion it is analogous to telling a practicing alcoholic to "just stop drinking". Easy if you aren't in those shoes. But there's just a little bit more to it, and I see threads like this as acknowledging and helping with that process.

 

^^ This. It feels like an addiction.

[DKT3]

Yes, this was my first and only and I'm mad I now am forever a "cheater" (emotionally) and forever changed. He's not even that great of a guy my xMM.

 

And I agree, his coping is hurting you... but that's the way it unfolds to be honest, I sometimes did hope my NC was hurting him. It gave me the power to move forward and to feel in control. I think that's why it hurt so much when I broke it - i thought he would be thankful and happy, and he was... and then did it right back to me. I think he did that to hurt me and to feel powerful again.

 

Oh, you are married. Forget the first part of my last post.

[Southern Sun]

Your situation and thoses in the breakup section is different because there is no one on the other side that is being put at risk both physically and emotionally.

 

I do have a question for all the women that posted on this thread.

 

Does ending the affair on your terms make NC easier?

 

I know that him ending it gives you the feeling of being rejected, thus the drive to win back his acceptance.

 

How does one answer this unless you've experienced BOTH situations? Being the dumper AND the dumpee in an affair.

 

Which one is easier or harder? Affairs are hard. Being cheated on his hard. Can we just hit rewind and make it all go away?

[Blu72]

Your situation and thoses in the breakup section is different because there is no one on the other side that is being put at risk both physically and emotionally.

 

I do have a question for all the women that posted on this thread.

 

Does ending the affair on your terms make NC easier?

 

I know that him ending it gives you the feeling of being rejected, thus the drive to win back his acceptance.

 

I still have not ended it , but I think ending the affair on my terms would definitely make NC easier. Still very hard, but I think it would be easier.

[DKT3]

Yes, this was my first and only and I'm mad I now am forever a "cheater" (emotionally) and forever changed. He's not even that great of a guy my xMM.

 

And I agree, his coping is hurting you... but that's the way it unfolds to be honest, I sometimes did hope my NC was hurting him. It gave me the power to move forward and to feel in control. I think that's why it hurt so much when I broke it - i thought he would be thankful and happy, and he was... and then did it right back to me. I think he did that to hurt me and to feel powerful again.

 

How does one answer this unless you've experienced BOTH situations? Being the dumper AND the dumpee in an affair.

 

Which one is easier or harder? Affairs are hard. Being cheated on his hard. Can we just hit rewind and make it all go away?

 

You know, as much as being cheated on sucked it actually put the end of our marriage on fast forward. Because of her affair I am a better man, a better dad.

 

As far as the question I asked, I'm sure your affair ended a couple times maybe from both sides. I think a comparison can be drawn. IE you ended the affair because it was the right thing or you ended the affair because it was what you wanted or he ended the affair. I would think doing it on your terms because you truly (in your heart) wanted it over would make it easier then feeling like you have to because whatever reason that has nothing to do with what you want.

[Josmatjes]

I'm sure it is seen by many as ME ME ME. And it is, for sure.

 

But there is a path and a process to getting yourself back and doing the right thing. The heart and the head don't always agree (this is where others who haven't been there don't get it) and in this situation the addiction to the affair can be overwhelming. In my opinion it is analogous to telling a practicing alcoholic to "just stop drinking". Easy if you aren't in those shoes. But there's just a little bit more to it, and I see threads like this as acknowledging and helping with that process.

 

I agree. My head tells me he is a jerk and my heart still loves him..l I get it I do. But sometimes we have to overrule the heart with logic. Choose a path that is healthy and boosts our self esteem...

[Southern Sun]

You know, as much as being cheated on sucked it actually put the end of our marriage on fast forward. Because of her affair I am a better man, a better dad.

 

As far as the question I asked, I'm sure your affair ended a couple times maybe from both sides. I think a comparison can be drawn. IE you ended the affair because it was the right thing or you ended the affair because it was what you wanted or he ended the affair. I would think doing it on your terms because you truly (in your heart) wanted it over would make it easier then feeling like you have to because whatever reason that has nothing to do with what you want.

 

You're right, that has happened. And yes - when I came to the realization that I wanted it to be over, because that's what was right for ME and my family; when I decided that I wanted to commit to my husband and marriage, it has made NC and just being DONE a lot easier. Simple in a way. In fact - you know what I felt when he broke NC recently? Irritated. Mad. I don't want him to weasel his way back in. He's not welcome. I felt disrespected, insulted in a way. So absolutely. When the decision was mine, when I knew it deep down, I have become the one ducking and running.

 

Lightbulb moment, good grief. I guess by blocking him and deleting him after he broke NC, I just did to him what some of these xMM have done to the posters in this thread. And what my xMM has also done to me in the past.

[DKT3]

You're right, that has happened. And yes - when I came to the realization that I wanted it to be over, because that's what was right for ME and my family; when I decided that I wanted to commit to my husband and marriage, it has made NC and just being DONE a lot easier. Simple in a way. In fact - you know what I felt when he broke NC recently? Irritated. Mad. I don't want him to weasel his way back in. He's not welcome. I felt disrespected, insulted in a way. So absolutely. When the decision was mine, when I knew it deep down, I have become the one ducking and running.

 

Lightbulb moment, good grief. I guess by blocking him and deleting him after he broke NC, I just did to him what some of these xMM have done to the posters in this thread. And what my xMM has also done to me in the past.

 

You don't owe him anything. If I remember correctly you had your ending he understood what was going to happen. Then he broke NC. Once again he placed himself above you.

[Southern Sun]

You don't owe him anything. If I remember correctly you had your ending he understood what was going to happen. Then he broke NC. Once again he placed himself above you.

 

Exactly Exactly Exactly

 

Ugh. I am SO DONE. This is one reason in a list of thousands. I regret it so. More than I can say.

[starglider]

Rainbow,

I'm in a similar situation as you getting over an EA, coming to terms with my room mate H, exploring codependency and self esteem. First, let me recommend you go to free CODA meetings (codependents anonymous) as this has been a huge help for me (I still do IC but it is so expensive!).

 

I heard obsession described as "when you are so deeply enmeshed that loosing this person is like loosing a part of yourself." You feel lost now, alone, unclear who you are when you self worth doesn't come from the contact highs from him. Maybe your lonliness in your M caused you to merge boundaries with your xAP.

 

But you can stand on your own two feet. Ultimately, he is not the one who can make or break your day with a smile or with coldness. You'll get your sense of self back. You'll have better boundaries in the future.

 

One thing that's helping me was make a list of activities that I loved, liked, and things that weren't so bad when I was my most independent self. Draw a picture of yourself in the middle of the 3 lists. Somehow this helps with the day to day coping - seeing the three parts of the list. (Not so bad list - getting organized, getting caught up on bills, doing laundry etc). In a strange way, the not so bad list helped center me back into my own self, that I do NOT need to distract myself with thoughts of him when I'm doing the boring things of life. It made me feel less alone that I can do these things alone without needing him as a fantasy distraction booster.

 

Good luck.

[Rainbow00]

You know, as much as being cheated on sucked it actually put the end of our marriage on fast forward. Because of her affair I am a better man, a better dad.

 

As far as the question I asked, I'm sure your affair ended a couple times maybe from both sides. I think a comparison can be drawn. IE you ended the affair because it was the right thing or you ended the affair because it was what you wanted or he ended the affair. I would think doing it on your terms because you truly (in your heart) wanted it over would make it easier then feeling like you have to because whatever reason that has nothing to do with what you want.

 

To answer your question, I did think that ending things on my terms and going NC was easier. My situation in a nutshell was, he ended things with me but still wanted to hang out occasionally as friends and still talk as friends. I demanded NC bc I knew I couldn't handle it emotionally. One month later, I broke NC and reached out to him, we had one convo, and then he went NC without telling me.

 

The first time was harder because it was the first time we ended things, and adjusting to life without him was difficult and painful. But I did feel a sense of power because I knew he wanted to talk (although he never broke NC) and I had taken that away from him, like he took away himself from me. Sure, its immature and selfish, but it made things easier to cope with. That (in my mind) he was hurting too. He probably wasn't in retrospect and it was a power thing, as he was a very alpha male. Anyway, the second time was harder because he NC'ed on me all of a sudden, behavior switching 180, and it left me without closure and I felt like he had rejected me. He's not a "better" person than me, so I felt desperate to win him back. I didn't actually do anything except rant and whine on this forum, but I wanted to prove to him and myself that I could get him back if I wanted. That feeling made it hard the second time, and I do still miss him.

 

I don't think that *really* answered your question, but I'm a little emotional and it's early and I can't think very clearly. Sorry about that. I hope that sheds some light into my mindset at least. I think it would have been very different if we became physical, though. I would have been a lot more attached to him. I'm lucky it never got that far.

[GoldieLox]

Knowing (and experiencing) that he would without hesitation put his wife before me. now before anyone jumps down my throat, I GET IT. I fully do. But as a *coping mechanism* reminding me of his actions that I am so easily cast aside does help. If she started becoming suspicious, he would without sorrow, stand me up on a date. Wouldn't even duck into a bathroom to send me a heads up text. And he did this multiple times. When he lied to her about who he was texting or whenever she started questioning, I thought he was protecting me. But no, he was obviously just protecting himself.

 

This actually made me laugh (not at you Rainbow, I know what you wrote hurt you)... the reason it made me laugh was because... I'd do the same thing, without hesitation, in an instant, for my husband. So it really leaves me to wonder, if I could so easily cast xMM aside, then what the hell am I really having an issue with here?

 

Southern, you did not hurt my feelings. I understood what you were saying. I honestly don't think he's "coping" at all. He just went back to his wonderful life and pretended it never happened. That's fine. I'm really trying my damnedest to do the same.

[lookingforclosure]

I agree. My head tells me he is a jerk and my heart still loves him..l I get it I do. But sometimes we have to overrule the heart with logic. Choose a path that is healthy and boosts our self esteem...

 

It's so easy for someone who has never been involved as an OW to just simply say...he's a jerk, forget about him, he's not worth the space he takes up in your head. For us it's almost crippling. My self esteem is in the toilet...logically I know I am a beautiful, smart woman who has a great job..owns her own home...has lots of friends. The not so logically side wonders why all those great qualities about me were not good enough for xMM. Why if i'm all this was I so easily disposed.

 

It's a vicious cycle...some days better than most...thank God for therapy next week ;0)

[Rainbow00]

Good news is I think overall, I'm doing a lot better. I catch myself not thinking about him sometimes! Like I will notice all of a sudden that I haven't thought of him for an hour! Which may be not a lot to some, but it's a big step for me. I have to forcibly eject the sweet and cute thoughts though, or else I get sentimental and miss him again. Like the time he gave up a vacation day to come to work and spend it with me. i felt so special and important, I thought that meant he cared. ANd maybe he did, but it's easier to pretend he didn't.

 

I saw him twice today in passing. Each time my heart did a little flutter - I hate how my body still reacts to him like that. I tried not to look at him to trigger myself. I feel myself going a few steps backwards everytime I see him. At least I don't worry or hope he'll reach out to me like he said he would anymore. I think its been long enough that emotionally i've accepted he was jst lying and 180'ed and... just doesn't plan on contacting me. I hope he doesn't contact me about his project soon; as it's work related I know its fair game. But I don't need that trigger now. I still do miss him though.

 

But .. moving forward. I am afraid the closer we get to the (canceled) business trip, the more desperate I will get. I was thinking about that trip with him for ages...

[Rainbow00]

This actually made me laugh (not at you Rainbow, I know what you wrote hurt you)... the reason it made me laugh was because... I'd do the same thing, without hesitation, in an instant, for my husband. So it really leaves me to wonder, if I could so easily cast xMM aside, then what the hell am I really having an issue with here?

 

Southern, you did not hurt my feelings. I understood what you were saying. I honestly don't think he's "coping" at all. He just went back to his wonderful life and pretended it never happened. That's fine. I'm really trying my damnedest to do the same.

 

Oh no, don't say that. That means although he meant a lot to you and you are emotionally attached, you are able to cast him aside in a blink of an eye for your husband. Which then means that my xMM really did care for me, despite him being able to cast me aside immediately. And it's a whole lot easier to get over him believing that he didn't care about me at all.

 

I still sometimes burn with curiousity as to why he was so excited about breaking NC then decided to drop me without warning. Power trip? Focus on family? Sigh..

[Rainbow00]

(More venting, hope you guys don't mind...)

 

Saw him briefly today during lunch. And by saw him, I mean I saw him walking to his car from the window of my office. He didn't see me. It was good though, because it reminded me of some bad parts of our time together. I would always want to go out to lunch, off site, just the two of us so we had some private time (to chat, not to do anything physical). I also liked it because it seemed more personal and 'date-like' and not just eating in the work cafeteria, which felt like just a colleague lunch. Anyway, I would always hold out hope that certain days of the week where he didn't have lunch meetings, he would invite me to go out with him. I would always get my hopes up and then he would rarely invite me. I used to ask him to go with me, but he would always decline and say he's busy and to wait for him to ask me so that I know he's available. But I would look at his work calendar and on free days, I would always hold my breath and inevitably get disappointed every time the time came and went. He would often run mundane errands during lunch for his W, who was a stay at home mom, and I remember that frustrating me. Like, I only saw him at work and wanted to go have lunch to spend time together, but he had to spend lunch going home and defrosting the dinner meat for his wife. Or letting the dog out. Or something stupid like that. I don't think he was lying to me - he was very open about everything (too open sometimes and it hurt me) but it just shows how low on the totem pole I was to him. And always hoping today would be the day he would want to spend time with me and go on a 'lunch date'. ANd being pissed he would miss an opporunity (he often had lunch meetings) to do something like DEFROST MEAT. Seriously.

 

I'm still struggling with filling the void of focusing on something else. Like I mentioned, I focused on him all day. Looking forward to talking to him, making mental notes of what I wanted to chat with him about, trying to find time to sneak in with him, etc. That and dressing up and looking good at work, now I think... whats the point, he isnt seeing me anyway. Before, I would be so giddy picking out outfits and jewelry I knew he liked to see me in to wear to work. Even going clothes shopping it would be in my mind. How sad. Now, things seem pointless and boring.

[snl]

I know how u must feel. Been there. And I broke NC as well (she did though as well)...but at the end you need to stay strong.for you. Rather then wondering whether or not you will be contacted keep busy as much as possible and try to find true closure. You are going to feel much better one day when you realize you don't wait for him to contact you. Remove all connection (social sites etc) and let time do its magic. It will take time. Approx 60-90 days until you might be able to feel better and move on. Every interruption might set you back. Be strong. Your happiness is worth it.

[Rainbow00]

Well, I think I'm making baby steps in progress. I commonly catch myself not thinking about him for an hour, or even a few hours at a time! And it's easier to drive thoughts of him back out when they creep in. It still happens, but it's not as intense or lonely when they do.

 

My biggest struggle now is the excitement. I am just overall a lot more bored now. Before, he was like my focus, my project. I would cook and try new recipes for him, plan time to sneak in and see him, shop for clothes I knew he'd like, etc etc. And the rush of counting down to see or talk to him. But now that he's absent from my life, everything seems just so routine and boring. Wake up, go to work, go to school (online master's program), do house chores, sleep, repeat. I miss that, but I don't miss *him* as much anymore, which is progress imo. I miss that aspect of focus and excitement he gave me in my life.

 

Also, as I've mentioned in previous post, I had a really hard 2 days at work recently with the project he owns. I have been VERY tempted to contact him to help me because quite frankly I'm sick of it. Similar problems cropped up in the past and he is able to fix them quickly with a few phone calls and talking to me and teaching me. But I've been struggling with an issue for it for weeks now, and it's really coming to a head. I know he could fix it, and he probably would since he owns the project so he has some stake in it. But I can't allow myself to ask him for help. I'm going to keep struggling through it, but that's been on my mind quite a bit this weekend. I want him to fix it, to help me, really badly. I'm not going to contact him...