why the heck am i still here?

[anabel32]

I used to be "good enough" to get his attention despite the suspicion... and now I'm not. I mean, I should be happy he's trying to recommit, right? If that's what hes doing. Or maybe this fun time with me got too much like a real relationship with real fights and nagging about time... I don't know. I just feel low that I was good enough to have him before, and now I'm not...

 

You keep looking for validation from him all the time Rainbow... you are relying so much of your own well being and self esteem on him... Who cared what he thinks and why he didn't get in touch and dropped everything shortly after being happy to see you. I believe it has nothing to do with you at all or you being good enough or not. He may really be committing to his family now and maybe contact with you sets him back? SO it is not about you being not good enough, it is about him making commitment to his decision. Obviously you aren't his priority to even let you know about it and apologise for confusing you, as this is what he has done here . Or maybe he found someone else by now? Again, in this situation it wouldn't be about you being good enough, it is about him being an cheater and a liar. In both of these situations it isn't about you Rainbow.

You are good enough... you just have to remind yourself how it feels again, and NC and trying to do something for yourself will help you achieve that. You need to make commitment to yourself and focus on things that you can make and fix in your life again.

 

You will never be the same person as before even in your own marriage. You have to stop looking for a way to get back to who you were before the affair and trying to reverse back your life to the same state you were before it all happened with your MM. Today is your starting point, not 6 months ago. You have changed and you need to embrace that. The new you now, even though hurt and disappointed about so many things has to start making decisions and stand up for yourself. Bring back happiness in your life, but I would say only in entire new form with some radical changes, rather then reversing to what was before, but never will be again, both with your xMM and your husband.

Edited April 3, 2015 by anabel32

[Rainbow00]

You keep looking for validation from him all the time Rainbow... you are relying so much of your own well being and self esteem on him... Who cared what he thinks and why he didn't get in touch and dropped everything shortly after being happy to see you. I believe it has nothing to do with you at all or you being good enough or not. He may really be committing to his family now and maybe contact with you sets him back? SO it is not about you being not good enough, it is about him making commitment to his decision. Obviously you aren't his priority to even let you know about it and apologise for confusing you, as this is what he has done here . Or maybe he found someone else by now? Again, in this situation it wouldn't be about you being good enough, it is about him being an cheater and a liar. In both of these situations it isn't about you Rainbow.

You are good enough... you just have to remind yourself how it feels again, and NC and trying to do something for yourself will help you achieve that. You need to make commitment to yourself and focus on things that you can make and fix in your life again.

 

You will never be the same person as before even in your own marriage. You have to stop looking for a way to get back to who you were before the affair and trying to reverse back your life to the same state you were before it all happened with your MM. Today is your starting point, not 6 months ago. You have changed and you need to embrace that. The new you now, even though hurt and disappointed about so many things has to start making decisions and stand up for yourself. Bring back happiness in your life, but I would say only in entire new form with some radical changes, rather then reversing to what was before, but never will be again, both with your xMM and your husband.

 

Thank you Anabel. You're doing so well and I do think about how strong you are and try to do the same. Currently I'm struggling with filling the void he left. How I focused on him and our time and looking forward to it all the time. I drag myself to put on makeup and dress nicely because I think... He's not going to see me anyway, what's the point? Everything I did used to be about that. Counting down days and Hours til I see or talk to him next. Like you said I'm a different person now. I'm angry for letting myself dissolve into depending on him for anything. I have to remind myself to dress up and feel confident. I've had relationships end (normal ones) and it never hurt that much. And this was crumbs of a relatively short 6 month one and its affected me much more. I'm so angry I let him affect me like this.

 

Another difficult thing for me is we had a business trip scheduled for mid may. Both of us were attending and both of us were very excited to be abLe to spend so much private time together. This would have probably lead to a PA, so it's probably better That it ended prior so it was just an EA. But I'm still disappointed we were looking forward to it for so long. And I mean Ive been excited since Christmas when it was booked. And now it's just nothing. A letdown. He is still going but I made an excuse to back out of it because obviously it's a bad idea and I can't handle it. At least I did that right? But it's sad I had been looking forward to so such a long time and now it's nlthing. I wish we could still go sometimes. But I canceled so that's good, no going back.

[Cali408]

Rainbow, you put on makeup and do yourself up for you, so that YOU feel good, your goal is to LOVE YOURSELF AND LIVE THE BEST LIFE.

 

Counting hours and days and living on hope is not the way to live a life. Living in the now, present moment, not in the future or the past is the way to go.

 

Live the best life, that's all I can say.

 

In regard to business trips, good move cancelling, the anticipation of ghosts like that are worse than reality. I went by my xAP's house at least a dozen times when I was visiting her old city on business. I just kept chuckling and shaking my head and this was under 10 days into no contact.

[Haowliu]

I stumble upon this site by googling what others say about the movie "The Other Man". It's fate that brought me onto your thread. I feel so bad for you, Rainbow.

 

The book you should read is (if you haven't) Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: by Steve Harvey

 

I'm actually amazed he stayed with you for as long as he did. My guess is it's a male conquering thing going on as you stated you weren't attractive to him initially.

 

Don't beat yourself up as to what he said at last meetup, and you'd never get your answers. It's not your last fight either for his departure. My guess is he put in 6mos, he's bored with you, and he's looking for an excuse to get out. Loving couple don't break up over a fight.

 

Sounds to me he's bored in his marriage and for whatever reason he could get away with his As, kids, finance... It's time to go home.

 

If I were you, I'd work for a different company if at all possible.

 

Time to leave your marriage then start looking. I'm in the same boat. I wish my H finds someone so we can have a D. He didn't want a D mainly because kids are too young. Both kids are in college. I waited for 20yrs. We don't talk more than 5 sentences daily.

 

Good luck! Read the book if you haven't.

[Decisiontomake]

He is still going but I made an excuse to back out of it because obviously it's a bad idea and I can't handle it. At least I did that right? But it's sad I had been looking forward to so such a long time and now it's nlthing. I wish we could still go sometimes. But I canceled so that's good, no going back.

 

I totally want to congratulate you on this because I know how much you want to go. How your mind will play tricks on you that going will give you time alone, and he'll realise blah blah. You did the right thing and that shows you have the strength to move away from him. Do you feel strong in doing it? Probably not! But it's within you Rainbow. Way to go x

[Rainbow00]

I totally want to congratulate you on this because I know how much you want to go. How your mind will play tricks on you that going will give you time alone, and he'll realise blah blah. You did the right thing and that shows you have the strength to move away from him. Do you feel strong in doing it? Probably not! But it's within you Rainbow. Way to go x

 

Thanks. I did it really quickly after he ended things because I knew I wouldn't be strong enough to do it otherwise. Just did it really quickly without much thought. I was hurting when I did it. It was a 10 day trip just him and I. Seemed like the perfect time to play "couple" and I was so excited and counting down for it. I'm so sad we won't be able to do that now. And we're not together obviously anyway.

 

Having a really hard time keeping him out of my

Thoughts today. Not sure why, nothing happened. Maybe the bad day at work yesterday when I missed his professional and emotional support. Oh well. Move forward.

[Adoraxx]

Hey Rainbow, how are you today? I haven't posted here yet but I'm NC too (he's my neighbor) and it's so hard isn't it . It's difficult when you get no closure and when they shut you out so easily. Hope you're ok today

xx Adoraxx

[Rainbow00]

Hey Rainbow, how are you today? I haven't posted here yet but I'm NC too (he's my neighbor) and it's so hard isn't it . It's difficult when you get no closure and when they shut you out so easily. Hope you're ok today

xx Adoraxx

 

Hi adora, thanks for asking im in business travel at the moment which is reminding me of the business trip that I was supposed to take with xMM. It was 10 days just him and I! With the amount I was looking forward to daily things like talking texting or seeing him, this was really something I was so excited for. I'm glad I canceled as its for the best but im sad that we ended things and now we won't have this time alone like I really wanted.

 

Today I keep thinking about him and what he might be doing. I knew everything about his life and schddule so it's easy to get lost in that world. I'm trying not to think about it though. But the last few days has been harder than its been recently. I feel like im going backwards a bit. I Reread posts here from other members to try and get a reality check. I know I wasn't an important part of his life. Too bad I made him a significant part of mine.

 

How are you adora? What is your story?

[Adoraxx]

Yes it's hard when you know all about his life and schedule, knowing what he is doing at the moment, probably without a care in the world while you're missing him!! I'm glad you canceled that business trip even though it's sad at the same time. When you say you feel like you're going backwards a bit, do you mean you think of contacting him?

 

My story.. is long! To try and make it short, the MM and I (I'm married too) got into an A about 7 years ago. He is my neighbor. In the beginning I used to see him lots but after a few months the hot/ cold/ push/ pull games began. After one too many of these games (and I do love this man although I wish I didn't) , I couldn't have sex with him anymore (because he treated me so badly) and since then, he has become cruel like your MM (disappearing without a word etc -- coming back, acting all nice even though it was obvious that he only wanted one thing from me).

 

I thought we could at least be nice to each other but he's always a few weeks nice and then he goes disappearing again without giving an explanation. I hate that, I think it's so cruel when they do that. So that's it all in a nutshell.. I'm trying to avoid him now the best I can. Is it hard for you to avoid him 100% at work?

[anabel32]

 

Another difficult thing for me is we had a business trip scheduled for mid may. Both of us were attending and both of us were very excited to be abLe to spend so much private time together. This would have probably lead to a PA, so it's probably better That it ended prior so it was just an EA. But I'm still disappointed we were looking forward to it for so long. And I mean Ive been excited since Christmas when it was booked. And now it's just nothing. A letdown. He is still going but I made an excuse to back out of it because obviously it's a bad idea and I can't handle it. At least I did that right? But it's sad I had been looking forward to so such a long time and now it's nlthing. I wish we could still go sometimes. But I canceled so that's good, no going back.

 

Well done Rainbow for cancelling the trip. You know how to protect yourself from further pain, that is important in a starting journey of healing. Stick to it. You are brave and strong, please know that, you just have to connect with it once again and look for it within yourself. It is there, trust me. I am on my journey now to learn the same. Keep posting, hugs, stick to NC and take care xxx

[Rainbow00]

Thanks everyone for the words and support. Yes I know canceling the trip is the right thing to do. But God, if we were still together... I was so looking forward to it. Spending 10 days alone with him! I'm sure some of you can understand after breadcrumbs for 6 months and sneaking around, a ten day trip with him seems so exciting. I've been mentally counting down since Christmas (when it was booked).

 

Today I am a mess of emotions. I'm tired of missing him. I'm tired of having our memories play in my head and I'm tired of forcing them back out. I'm angry he pulled me into this then 180ed on me. I'm angry I am now just a blip in his life without a second thought and this is still deeply affecting me about two months after he ended things. I'm angry at myself for now forever having participated in an A (EA only though). I'm angry I let myself get so emotionally attached that I cant get over it. It's affecting my job as I'm always on edge to avoid him and if I do see him I go into a little tailspin. I'm mad that I like him. I don't even think he's thag attractive or great. Maybe I let him suck all my self esteem out. I did focus my life on him for half a year. And why?! I believed him when he told me he cared and please to reconsider not speaking to him. Begged me. But I did it anyway then I broke t and he ignores me. I want answers. I want him to want me again. I'm so tired of this.

 

For the record, I can't leave my job until September. I have a signed contract until then because of a signing bonus I need to work for minimum two years or I need to repay that and I can barely pay the bills. So not even in the cards. And Honestl at this stage I'm not strong enough to close the door fully. Isn't that stupid? He obviously already closed it for me. I'm stupid.

 

A lot of rambling today, sorry. Just needed to get it out somewhere.

[privategal]

Thanks everyone for the words and support. Yes I know canceling the trip is the right thing to do. But God, if we were still together... I was so looking forward to it. Spending 10 days alone with him! I'm sure some of you can understand after breadcrumbs for 6 months and sneaking around, a ten day trip with him seems so exciting. I've been mentally counting down since Christmas (when it was booked).

 

Today I am a mess of emotions. I'm tired of missing him. I'm tired of having our memories play in my head and I'm tired of forcing them back out. I'm angry he pulled me into this then 180ed on me. I'm angry I am now just a blip in his life without a second thought and this is still deeply affecting me about two months after he ended things. I'm angry at myself for now forever having participated in an A (EA only though). I'm angry I let myself get so emotionally attached that I cant get over it. It's affecting my job as I'm always on edge to avoid him and if I do see him I go into a little tailspin. I'm mad that I like him. I don't even think he's thag attractive or great. Maybe I let him suck all my self esteem out. I did focus my life on him for half a year. And why?! I believed him when he told me he cared and please to reconsider not speaking to him. Begged me. But I did it anyway then I broke t and he ignores me. I want answers. I want him to want me again. I'm so tired of this.

 

For the record, I can't leave my job until September. I have a signed contract until then because of a signing bonus I need to work for minimum two years or I need to repay that and I can barely pay the bills. So not even in the cards. And Honestl at this stage I'm not strong enough to close the door fully. Isn't that stupid? He obviously already closed it for me. I'm stupid.

 

A lot of rambling today, sorry. Just needed to get it out somewhere.

 

Remember the story, I think it was Goldie where ap slept with her...then the next morning...done. The trip would have DEFINITELY turned into PA and sleeping with him would have gotten you SO emotionally attached as well as MAJOR validation lets face it...

BUT these guys are the SAME kind of users and playing couple for 10 days...anyone in love would look forward to that and see it as bliss...

But its the end of that 10 days you gotta consider.

The "playing" couple would be over...he'd go home to wife and kids and his real life, loves, and priorities and that would hurt.

You would want WAY more than you do now.

The abandonment and rejection right now are killing you...they are self esteem killers for sure the pain is brutal.

But the pain is temporary its going to fade...your confidence will creep back in.

You have to start putting less thought slowly.

Greive yes, but don't wallow. Don't try to determine what he's thinking.

You can't. You have to still live and know its going to be ok.

Don't take one step in his direction.

None.

Keep going, maybe plan a solo vaca or a trip for that same week to look forward to.

A beach one perhaps where you let your hair go free and you wear no makeup.

Get some new experiences on your calendar, even one day adventures in a neighbiring city to look forward to.

Job search like crazy if nothing else it will distract you and give you hope.

Start to try and move out of the mental attachment. Just try more.

Its gonna hurt for awhile, but he isnt God...hes a guy.

His wife has NO prize. She can have the user cheating @sshole.

YOU are no longer a cheater and no longer your past.

Your free. Go build on that, he did you a favor.

I started thinking of my xeap on the toilet if I picture him. Sounds aweful but it sure helps to not romanticize

[Grapesofwrath]

Btw, quote is from Maya Angelou

 

Ironically, I think she said it about Bill Clinton, when the Monica Lewinsky story broke.

[Adoraxx]

I started thinking of my xeap on the toilet if I picture him. Sounds aweful but it sure helps to not romanticize

 

I'm going to give that a try too!!

[Rainbow00]

Thanks everyone. I'm glad I'm not going on that trip for my sake. But I know it's going to be very difficult when that week comes and I'm just at work. Hopefully by that time in mid may I will be indifferent.

 

Sometimes I briefly forget we're not "together" and something happens I want to tell him. I get excited for a split second the weekend is over so I can see him on Monday. I see some article of clothing that he likes that I want to dress up and be cute for him. He was very complimentary of my physical looks and what I wore. I need to remind myself that I need to dress up with makeup to be cute for me and not for him.

 

I almost hoped the other guy pursuing me would get my mind off xMM. No luck. That's twisted I know and i do not reply or entertain his actions in any way. But I hoped that ego boost and attention would help me move on. No luck... At all. I feel as unwanted and lonely as ever.

[GoldieLox]

Rainbow, what would happen if you tried to dress up and get all cute and then walked in front of your husband? I mean would he compliment you, say anything, etc? Just curious.

 

I was doing so well for a few weeks there. Now I feel like I'm going backwards. I really need to find a new IC because I'm just feeling stuck. I feel like I should've made some progress by now.

[Rainbow00]

Oh Goldie. The way he left you was so cruel and heartless I can see how it's hard to make forward progress everyday. I couldn't even imagine going through something like that. You give such good advice and seem to see the situation clearly and know it's the right thing to do. Maybe it's something in the air or something.. Seems like a lot of us are slipping backwards a bit. Maybe that hard work day recently? Don't feel bad you are stuck, there is no set time for anyone. Just take it at your own pace, just don't do anything that will set you back like contacting him (I know you won't).

 

As for your question, he doesn't say anything. If I ask how I look ill get a compliment thoygh. But it's very uh.. What's the word. Unfulfilling or sincere..?

[GoldieLox]

It's working with him. I know it is. I don't even have contact most of the time but it's just knowing he's there. Seeing him in the hallway ignoring me. I didn't do anything to him... I don't understand. Switching jobs is not an option right now, especially when I'm *this* close to a promotion. Good news is, if I get the promotion (which is actually my dream job) I'll be off in another building training for 6 WHOLE MONTHS. The bad news is... I come back and he'll be one of my direct supervisors. I just don't know what to feel right now.

 

I was just curious about your husband. If I'm not being really nosy here... why haven't you thought about divorce if your marriage is this unfulfilling?

 

And I'm wonderful at seeing situations from the outside in. I can never take my own advice...

[Rainbow00]

It's working with him. I know it is. I don't even have contact most of the time but it's just knowing he's there. Seeing him in the hallway ignoring me. I didn't do anything to him... I don't understand. Switching jobs is not an option right now, especially when I'm *this* close to a promotion. Good news is, if I get the promotion (which is actually my dream job) I'll be off in another building training for 6 WHOLE MONTHS. The bad news is... I come back and he'll be one of my direct supervisors. I just don't know what to feel right now.

 

I was just curious about your husband. If I'm not being really nosy here... why haven't you thought about divorce if your marriage is this unfulfilling?

 

And I'm wonderful at seeing situations from the outside in. I can never take my own advice...

 

 

I know exactly 100% how you feel about working with him. Our hard work days recently seemed almost exactly the same as well. I don't really see him, maybe a glance or two per week. But like you said, knowing the potential is there keeps me on edge. And if by chance I do see him, it throws me off for the day. When he does see me he usually says an emotionless hi, or a wayward smirk or half smile. I don't understand why. He said he would contact me to hang out! Why am I surprised he lied to me? He's obviously a liar and a cheat. And he continued to do so even after his wife was very suspicious. I also don't understand why he 180ed after my breaking NC. I'm not sure we will ever have the answers. But I think we both have good ideas as to why they're acting like this - it's an easy way out for them. And maybe they're trying to reconnect with their family. If he does become your direct supervisor.... Goldie, that seems a horrible horrible situation. Please try to avoid that at all costs. Being emotionally tied to your boss in this situation is a disaster waiting to happen.

 

Haven't thought about divorce because quite frankly, what we have is working. I can get my emotional fulfillment from xMM (or I used to). And I'm allowed To go out with men. I don't have much of a sex drive so the lack of sex isn't an issue for me. It's easy to run the house and live practically with my husband and I enjoy his company as a friend. And he feels the same. And before xMM I wasn't unhappy. Bored maybe but i was just hunky dorey continuing to live like this. I didn't feel like I needed another emotional outlet before xMM. I didn't know I had that void.

[GoldieLox]

I know it's not ideal but I don't really have a choice. I'm hoping by the time this promotion goes through he'll be transferred to another division (that may well happen, because he just got a promotion as well). It won't be easy for me but at least the affair is over. I mean let's face it, he won't come near me anyway. He doesn't want anything to do with me lol. He'll leave everything else to the 7 other supervisors I'll be working under. I suppose it could always be 10 times worse.

 

So if you're allowed to go out with other men, how would he react if you were to have a PA with one of them? I'm just genuinely curious.

Edited April 6, 2015 by GoldieLox

[Rainbow00]

Well, I took a trip this Easter weekend, just me and my pets. We went hiking, and visited my parents out of state. The change of scenery really helped me get xMM off my mind. I felt like I was making good progress, there were HOURS where I realized he didn't cross my mind! That doesn't sound like much, but it was a big step for me.

 

But today, back at work... I saw him again. We didn't speak (I turned into a different corridor when I heard him coming; I can recognize his footsteps... how sad is that). But I did overhear him having a conversation with another coworker (male) and it just reminded me of our conversations. Catching up about our days, weekends, nights, everything. I know he was renovating his house, and I was even helping him make some design decisions. He was telling the coworker about it, and it really made me miss him. I felt like I was a part of that "project" and I miss how familiar it was hearing him talk normally. I ran into some more difficulty at work and really wanted to reach out to him to make me feel better emotionally, but also help me take care of it professionally because he is higher up than I am and does have significant pull.

 

So I feel like I'm slipping back. I hate how I see him at work, and I always know he's there. I see his car in the lot, he used to drive me places and on "dates". I miss that. I hate how sometimes I still hope that he'll change his mind and text me like he said he would. I still wish that business trip was still happening, and that we were still together. I get sad when I think it's really over for good. I feel like deep inside, I'm still holding out some hope. Some hope that he'll change his mind or something, I don't know. I know him though, and when he decides something he sticks to it. Sometimes I forget we're not together anymore and I am so excited the weekend is over, or something I want to tell or show him. I want to get to the point where I am indifferent if I never talk to him again. I always wonder how he and his wife are doing. Sometimes when I'm angry I hope they don't work out. Ugh.

 

I wonder how long this will last. I read on here to picture him on a toilet ... very unattractive. Trying to do that! And to keep him out of my mind in general. I was doing so well, then back to work... ugh. So angry. I miss him. A whole lot.

[GoldieLox]

I'm glad you were productive over the weekend. It is a big step. Any minute you can divert your thoughts from him is a big step, believe me.

 

I'm right there with you with the work situation. He was part of my life too. Though I think it's more of a self-esteem thing more than anything with me, I won't pretend I don't actually miss him. I really took stock in the advice he always gave me. I see his car, I hear his voice, it all triggers me. I think about how he's NOT thinking of me, couldn't give a sh-t less. Then I think about how all my husband does it think about me, and love me, and I get caught up in all these feelings. Then I run to the bathroom and cry.

 

Wondering how him and his wife are doing is really unhealthy. I know it can't be helped, but when that happens, picture something else. Anything else, really. I went by his house the other night (NOT on purpose, I would never do that to myself- he lives down the street from a friend of mine whom I was visiting ironically) and his wife's car was in the driveway. I started thinking about her and their family and how goddamn hypocritical he is. I got myself into such an unhealthy and sad place of thinking, I immediately went to the gym and started running. A friend of mine says time will heal everything, but it's been 2 months already. When will it start to feel like healing?

[Rainbow00]

Wow, I just reread what I wrote. Sorry LS members for being SO rambly and repetitive. This is pretty much my only outlet, so I just let out how I feel. And I guess, I feel the same things over and over again. Hope you don't mind...

 

Goldie, I feel like we're in the same place, on the same timeline. Minus the one broken NC on my part - which wasn't much more than one convo as you know - I'm 1.5 months NC. Similar to your 2. And the work thing, also the same... I relate to everything you said in your second paragraph in your latest post ^, minus the husband part. I replay the advice he gave me, professionally and personally. He was very intelligent, and I respect him (and still do) as being successful. I try to apply what he told me, but then I get annoyed because it reminds me of him. I am also sad that he doesn't think about me. They're just moving on with their own lives, whereas we are here struggling to move on from them. It doesn't seem fair. I wish I could compartimentalize like them. But my xMM had many EA and PA before me; he was my first and only. I guess he's used to it. I had asked him before how he got over a 3 year intense EA with some woman he really cared for. He shrugged and said, I had to, leaving my family isn't an option. I guess that's that...

[Rainbow00]

Goldie, hopefully we can continue to make good progress as the days and weeks go on. Sometimes it helps me to remember that their BS/wives are stuck with such a heartless man. Not sure if that helps or makes you feel guilty, but I'm giving that a try. Sometimes I want to tell her about him, about all the EA and PAs hes had, even before me. I never ever would, but it's a fantasy

[GoldieLox]

Goldie, hopefully we can continue to make good progress as the days and weeks go on. Sometimes it helps me to remember that their BS/wives are stuck with such a heartless man.

 

As hypocritically flawed as that thought is, sometimes I do think of that. Sometimes I cringe when I wonder what would happen if his wife ever found out. I would never be the one to tell her, of course. Not my place. First and foremost, I'd feel terrible. For her and her kids, and knowing that I was the one who did this. I already do feel terrible at that. But then on the other hand, I would feel nothing towards him. I'd probably ask him how it felt to hurt.

 

And this, ladies and gents, is why we all need individual counseling.