why the heck am i still here?

[GypsumSatellite]

It's more like he is not worthy of your attention, Rainbow. Believe that!

 

You shouldn't be too upset with yourself, you've remained fairly strong even if you've had to meet with him for work-related reasons. I certainly wouldn't have been able to continue working with my MM after a breakup... I would have actually found a new job ASAP just to save my sanity.

 

I can understand not everyone has that luxury, so... keep doing your best to stay out of his way unless on strict business and even then, keep a respectful distance from him and treat him mentally like the most boring person you've ever met.

 

It will take some practice, but if you can see him in that light each time you have to interact with him, the sheen will wear off of his charm. Imagine how he kept you on pins and needles and toyed with you for months... again, that shouldn't make him desirable, it should make him look like an ass not worthy of your attention.

[Rainbow00]

As an update, I went to IC this long weekend. Not sure if it helped per se but it was nice being able to talk it out and lay it all out there.

 

He had reached out to me Friday for a work related reason and this week haven't reached out at all. I am still very much struggling with this roller coaster. First Nc then I broke it and he's so excited and I am too. Then silence from him for 2 months. Then now he breaks it and is flirting for a week, and then silence again. Every time I talk to him I get excited though I know I shouldn't and then the anxiety and sadness when he suddenly decides to go silent on me once again. I think everyone is right that he just enjoys baiting me and knowing I'm still there. I hate that I still get a rush last week when I thought we could talk again and that he was interested. This is stupid. With NC it was easier bc I had no expectation of talking to him. Now I'm anxious all day waiting to see if he will. Luckily the longer that goes by the more that hope fades anyway.

 

I asked for my office to be moved to another location and it was granted so I don't have to sit so near him anymore. But I am still disappointed when at the end of the day I don't hear from him. I need to be strong and stay away

[Miss Sisyphus]

Have you tried your local university for counseling? Some of them have counseling training programs and it's really inexpensive. As a student, I paid $20 total for a semester.--about 12 sessions! As a community member, it costs $80 per semester. You will be seen by graduate students, but they are supervised. I like the students better than the "professional" I'm seeing now.

 

I think community colleges might have counseling services too, but I'm not sure. It's worth looking into.

[jwi71]

As an update, I went to IC this long weekend. Not sure if it helped per se but it was nice being able to talk it out and lay it all out there.

 

He had reached out to me Friday for a work related reason and this week haven't reached out at all. I am still very much struggling with this roller coaster. First Nc then I broke it and he's so excited and I am too. Then silence from him for 2 months. Then now he breaks it and is flirting for a week, and then silence again. Every time I talk to him I get excited though I know I shouldn't and then the anxiety and sadness when he suddenly decides to go silent on me once again. I think everyone is right that he just enjoys baiting me and knowing I'm still there. I hate that I still get a rush last week when I thought we could talk again and that he was interested. This is stupid. With NC it was easier bc I had no expectation of talking to him. Now I'm anxious all day waiting to see if he will. Luckily the longer that goes by the more that hope fades anyway.

 

I asked for my office to be moved to another location and it was granted so I don't have to sit so near him anymore. But I am still disappointed when at the end of the day I don't hear from him. I need to be strong and stay away

 

Its a journey. One step at a time. Left foot, right foot.

And yes, setbacks...slip-ups and f_ck-ups are all part of the deal. Don't let an isolated incident weigh too heavily upon you.

 

Great with the job search which can begin the 1st.

 

IC is awesome. Look, Im an engineer by trade and an analyst IRL. I hated the very concept of "Tree-huggin wishy washy dreamers and their fru-fru BS". Until I needed it. Until I tried. And, then, damn_t, I had to swallow my pride/ego and admit I was wrong. IC is awesome. Hard as h_ll. But the pay-off is life-altering. It was for me anyways. Keep it up - you'll get there.

[Rainbow00]

Have you tried your local university for counseling? Some of them have counseling training programs and it's really inexpensive. As a student, I paid $20 total for a semester.--about 12 sessions! As a community member, it costs $80 per semester. You will be seen by graduate students, but they are supervised. I like the students better than the "professional" I'm seeing now.

 

I think community colleges might have counseling services too, but I'm not sure. It's worth looking into.

 

Thank you for this idea, this didn't even cross my mind. Ironic though because at times, I use local colleges for cheap hair cuts or even dental x-rays. Never thought that would apply to counseling, but that makes perfect sense. I will look into that next week.

[Rainbow00]

Thanks JWI, I am still trying to make myself strong enough again.

 

I did some things that I am proud of:

- canceling that 10 day business trip with him, something I had so desperately looked forward to with him for months

- getting my desk moved to a further location, so I run into him less at work

- Going pretty much 3 months NC (2 SOLID months!)

- Going to IC

- Getting new hobbies, going to the gym 6x a week, eating healthier

 

But again... I have setbacks. And I get so emotionally involved in it, and am so weak to get out. This most recent "thing" or whatever it is with him. I let him pull me back in, agreeing to meet to discuss a project in person with him. Letting him flirt with me, talking about non-work related topics. Then mentally, I'm almost back where I was when we were "together". Missing him after work, being sorely disappointed when he doesn't reach out to me during the day, waiting on pins and needles to see if he WILL reach out to me today. Being frustrated that he won't take advantage of mutual free time together, etc etc. These were the reasons I was always on edge before, nothing has changed. Only now, I have no idea where he's at. Before, I could at least ask him if I was seeing him that day, what was going on, what the expectations were. We knew we were in an EA. Now, I can't tell if he's just playing with me, or if this is us being "together" again. I just want to know what he's thinking, what he's doing. I feel like this is just a big ego game for him... before, I felt like he truly cared about me. Now, it's just to make him feel better.

 

Although I feel this way, and hate it, outwardly I'm doing well. I give short answers to non-work related communication, or none at all, and do not see him in person as much as I can. But I still get upset when I don't hear from him at the end of the day. I hate having that expectation and letdown. But I know it doesn't matter anyway. I just want the control back.

[Rainbow00]

well, i feel like i'm back at square one. actually no, worse than that - because not only am i emotionally at the same place i was when we were together, it's worse now because i'm settling for even smaller crumbs.

 

MM and i had a talk last week. he asked me some personal questions about what i had been doing in the 3 months of NC, how i felt about him, did i trust him. i didn't tell him the truth, and said i wasn't comfortable answering. he respected that. i half-asked him what happened for him to 180 on me in the middle, and he said he'd rather not answer as well. fair point, but i was kind of hoping for closure on that. he said he's still working through issues with his W, but is still not going to leave, despite being very unhappy at home. he said it's about his kids and the stability a family brings. he said the fighting and unhappiness is always out of ear and eyeshot of the kids, so they are still 'a happy family' from their eyes. i asked then why are we talking again? he said he enjoyed talking to me and my company.

 

i feel emotionally entrenched once again. he is, once again, on my mind all day. i am constantly feeling like i am waiting for him to contact me. previously, i would be upset when he said he would and then didn't (and we would talk almost every day). now he said he can't commit to any of that, since he knows he would let me down. so then now, all day, i feel like i am waiting on him to reach out. and he doesn't, more often than not. i hate having this expectation and being let down. and it hurts me... because from my perspective, he has windows of time where he could be contacting me or seeing me, but chooses not to. i know that is really damaging to my self esteem, like i am not important. i don't like how he is such a part of my life, but he would rather go grab a coffee off site during lunch, instead of using that time to see or talk to me. we hardly get any free windows together where we *could* spend time together, and then when he chooses to do something mundane like get coffee... i feel like i am nothing.

 

i don't know why i care so much. he told me he wasn't leaving his w. i'm not in love with him. i think i want validation from him that i am important. previously, i would feel so special when he would sacrifice his work day or time with his W to spend with me. but now, i'm just... nothing. only when he wants some ego boosting. and logically, i get that. i just can't emotionally handle it. he's the only one to ever have me so twisted around his finger - is this emotional manipulation? i don't think he's doing it to be malicious, but that he is just simply too selfish and has been able to get away with it.

 

although i whine and rant and act like a child on here, and in my head... in person with him, i'm not doing too badly. keeping our interactions short, and trying to avoid personal topics. not always successful, but.. i'm trying.

 

if it matters, H has moved out as well. not related to this, but figured i'd throw that in there. i'm physically alone a lot more now, which gives more time for me to think about this damn EA.

Edited May 30, 2015 by Rainbow00