Thinking about reconciling with my close friend after she and my H had an EA

[stillafool]

As for the "friend", you've said that she has no long lasting friendships, that she admitted she pretty much "fakes it" with people. Well, maybe there's a reason people befriend her and then keep her at arms length. Maybe they see she is toxic. Just because YOU are HER one real friend doesn't mean that you are special to her. It means she is special to you. Big difference.

 

OP, please read the above again because I was thinking the exact same thing. I can understand why those people are smart enough not to include her in their life. I'm surprised your husband is pushing to be friends with them again and you don't deny him anything.

[Try]

She really wants to re-establish the relationship. She started reading Not Just Friends. She has said she would go to counseling with me.

Of course she is willing to go to counseling with you. If she still has feelings for your husband, she would do almost anything to get back in his life again. Please do not even think to do this. The act of going to counseling would obligate you at the end to allow her back into you and your husband's lives. You cannot allow her back, as the risk is too great. Remember this. The whole time that she was cheating with your husband, she was pretending to be your friend which allowed her the access to your husband that she needed to be able to cheat with him.

 

What if I take all the time I need to heal and get myself together. Six months, a year, two years. Whatever. Then I go through a reconciliation process like I'm still undergoing with my H. Just me and her. There would still be NC with him during this process. She would have to review each detail of the affair with me. Be honest about herself, and what led her into this. Look at herself. Rebuild trust with me. All without the promise that we would be friends at the end. And with the possibility of NC with my husband for the rest of her life.

 

Do you think it could work, then?

In playing Russian Roulette you have a gun to your head when you pull the trigger; with only 1 of the 6 chambers being loaded the odds are in your favor that it will not go off, but with a down side being so bad, no sane person wants to play this. You are playing Russian Roulette with your marriage for no good reason. The down side of losing your marriage, is not worth the upside of this person that has already betrayed being you being your friend.

[Try]

I wonder if he had the A because I don't respect myself enough. Maybe if I felt more worthy, he would've seen me as more worthy, and would've recognized what he was risking more clearly.

Your husband knew you well enough to know that he was not risking his marriage to you by cheating. The odds of you finding out about the affair was low, as studies show that most affairs happen without the spouse every even having a hint that their spouse cheated on them, and your husband knew that even if you found out about the affair that you would not leave him over it. Heck that fact that you still want to be friends with his affair partner means that he was not even risking his friendship with this other woman. He knew that their would no long term consequences for is affair when he decided to cheat on you, and he was right.

[merrmeade]

Thank you for sharing your story. You are right. I don't want to lose this huge chunk of my life. My H doesn't either. I have no practice an denying him anything big. I've never denied him anything that he felt was essential for his happiness.

 

Asking him for indefinite NC has been hard on me. But it is making me stronger, too, which is good.

 

Here's what I'd like to ask you Merrmeade.

 

My friend is not my closest friend in the world. But I'm her closest friend, I think. She had no one in our town to talk to after D-Day. She has friends, but not ones she could trust with the secret. She finally talked to a semi-close friend that was also a WW that lives one State away from us. She also told her sisters that live in another State, also.

 

She really wants to re-establish the relationship. She started reading Not Just Friends. She has said she would go to counseling with me.

 

What if I take all the time I need to heal and get myself together. Six months, a year, two years. Whatever. Then I go through a reconciliation process like I'm still undergoing with my H. Just me and her. There would still be NC with him during this process. She would have to review each detail of the affair with me. Be honest about herself, and what led her into this. Look at herself. Rebuild trust with me. All without the promise that we would be friends at the end. And with the possibility of NC with my husband for the rest of her life.

 

Do you think it could work, then?

In a word: Yes. If you really want this, of course, it could "work," depending on what "work" means. I worry that for your situation and the selfish people you feel the need to mollify, it means doing all the same things that you all were doing that led to the EA. And then where would you be? Repressed feelings? Resentment? Guilt?

 

Also I agree with others that he's only carrying a fraction of the accountability he should. Shirley Glass is good but I'd encourage you both, him especially, to read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair."

[wordster]

I think there are different types of cheaters. It sounds like your husband is a good man that just got caught up in something much like my wife. It does not make them bad people and I don't think they set out to hurt us. They just have a terrible character flaw that allows them to do something so horrible to someone they love. And I believe that they truly see their needs as more important than ours in their minds. I want to understand her affair as well but I've come to the conclusion that there is no understanding an affair because you and I are not cheaters and we will never understand what a cheater thinks.

 

You mean I've been driving myself crazy for nothing?

[wordster]

Yes, but your husband was being selfish too.

 

I agree. It's just that he usually considers the feelings of those around him.

[wordster]

As a doctor he must compartmentalize very well. He very likely put you and your marriage in one compartment and the affair in another. For him, everything was nice and neat. He could have his desire and he could have a marriage to you without any problems at all because HE compartmentalized. Meaning, nothing of the affair touches you or the marriage in his mind.

 

As for the "friend", you've said that she has no long lasting friendships, that she admitted she pretty much "fakes it" with people. Well, maybe there's a reason people befriend her and then keep her at arms length. Maybe they see she is toxic. Just because YOU are HER one real friend doesn't mean that you are special to her. It means she is special to you. Big difference.

 

Because I'm angry at her, I may have characterized her unfairly. She has friendships that have lasted many years, but generally those friendships aren't deep, at least by my standards. They aren't friends she would confide in in the aftermath of D-Day, for instance. She has had a few friendships that blew up, too. At least one of them with someone that I would characterize as crazy.

 

To be fair, she has many friendships, just not deep ones. I wouldn't say she's faking it. She's just more attracted to people that are socially charming, which sometimes aren't the deepest people.

 

I tend to be attracted to people that have poorer social skills, but are deep one on one. She has a hard time seeing past the social awkwardness of others to their worth underneath.

 

When I look back on my friendships, most of my friends are physically beautiful, and I wonder if that's what drew me to them in the first place. Does that make me shallow? However, my long-term friendships are all with people that go deep.

[wordster]

Know how many nice guys have affairs.....lots. They have serious boundary issues and get caught up in being the KISA.....it feeds their sense of self in an unhealthy way. They end up on the slippery slope without a clue until the fall is well on its way....or until they hit bottom. They never intended to end their marriage or set out to betray due to unhappiness with their SO. These are the men that are more likely to be as devastated as their SO over the affair.

 

A good read for those men is No More Mr Nice Guy. They usually are quite shocked at how many boxes it ticks off for them. It helps them to see how unhealthy it can be to be the "nice guy".

 

I think my H falls into this category. He is universally well loved in the community. He is so giving of his time, energy, empathy, etc.

 

Thanks so much for the book rec. My library keeps growing.

[wordster]

Your friend is what I call a toxic person and sounds like she was that way before she decided to help herself to your husband. You will be much happier in the long run imo if you keep her and her issues out of your life.

 

 

She has boundary issues bigtime. Her husband sounds the saw way with his throwing his hands up and letting things go. Finally, your H also has boundary issues.

 

 

Its enough to have one person like this, your H, in your life.

 

 

And gently, if I were you, the fact that you're even thinking about this would give me pause about my own boundaries.

 

 

Is reconciling with this friend something you really want to do, or is it just something you feel you should do or try? So everyone else will feel more comfortable? Or it seems like some more high minded sophisticated way to present yourself? I dunno. It seems so far removed from protecting your own self interest.

 

 

I think it might be a good idea to explore this more in depth with your therapist. Not if you should do it, but why you are even thinking about it.

 

I have been examining my reasons. In fact, I started this thread to help me with that.

 

You pegged me correctly. Part of my self-identity comes from being high minded. Wise. But my body is not cooperating with my mind. :roll eyes:

 

Also, I've been obsessing, and it seemed like rolling up my sleeves and talking to her would allow me to move onto other thoughts.

 

Part of me still hates denying my H anything that he needs to be happy. But in our conversation yesterday, he reiterated that I should take all the time I need. Even forever, if necessary. So the pressure was coming from within.

 

I will take off a few months from thinking about this, and reconsider it when I'm feeling healthy in mind, body, and spirit.

[wordster]

OP, please read the above again because I was thinking the exact same thing. I can understand why those people are smart enough not to include her in their life. I'm surprised your husband is pushing to be friends with them again and you don't deny him anything.

 

They were among his closest friends before the A. Of course, he doesn't want to let them go. He's very good at seeing the good qualities in people, and overlooking the bad.

 

I have been the same way. Only now do I realize the values I need in a friend. Besides love and fun, I need honesty, good communication, empathy, and someone that has my back. My friend doesn't have these qualities, at least when in a crisis, like she is now.

 

I had the notion that the fear of losing my friendship permanently would allow my friend to look at herself, and want to cultivate these qualities.

 

Perhaps she will, perhaps she won't.

 

In any case, I think it's quite possible we could go through therapy together and still end up as non-friends.

[wordster]

I don't understand why you can't still throw parties, entertain other friends without inviting those people.

 

Of course we can. Our friends are all intertwined, so it's awkward, that's all. At this point the H doesn't want to throw parties, and I'm not in the partying mood myself, either.

[wordster]

Your husband knew you well enough to know that he was not risking his marriage to you by cheating. The odds of you finding out about the affair was low, as studies show that most affairs happen without the spouse every even having a hint that their spouse cheated on them, and your husband knew that even if you found out about the affair that you would not leave him over it. Heck that fact that you still want to be friends with his affair partner means that he was not even risking his friendship with this other woman. He knew that their would no long term consequences for is affair when he decided to cheat on you, and he was right.

 

True. But he told me about the A, instead of me finding out about it another way. There is a difference.

[elaine567]

Part of me still hates denying my H anything that he needs to be happy.

Investigate Codependency - Symptoms of Codependency | Psych Central

[wordster]

In a word: Yes. If you really want this, of course, it could "work," depending on what "work" means. I worry that for your situation and the selfish people you feel the need to mollify, it means doing all the same things that you all were doing that led to the EA. And then where would you be? Repressed feelings? Resentment? Guilt?

 

Also I agree with others that he's only carrying a fraction of the accountability he should. Shirley Glass is good but I'd encourage you both, him especially, to read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair."

 

It sounds like we have more reading to do. Thank you!

[wordster]

Of course she is willing to go to counseling with you. If she still has feelings for your husband, she would do almost anything to get back in his life again. Please do not even think to do this. The act of going to counseling would obligate you at the end to allow her back into you and your husband's lives. You cannot allow her back, as the risk is too great. Remember this. The whole time that she was cheating with your husband, she was pretending to be your friend which allowed her the access to your husband that she needed to be able to cheat with him.

 

In playing Russian Roulette you have a gun to your head when you pull the trigger; with only 1 of the 6 chambers being loaded the odds are in your favor that it will not go off, but with a down side being so bad, no sane person wants to play this. You are playing Russian Roulette with your marriage for no good reason. The down side of losing your marriage, is not worth the upside of this person that has already betrayed being you being your friend.

 

I have no interest in playing Russian Roulette! If I get to the point where I trust my H fully, perhaps it isn't necessary to trust her, too. After all, it takes two people to have an A.

 

I realize that if she were still sending signals to him, it could be hard for him to resist. He feels he could at this point, regardless of his feelings, because he's so committed to making it work with me. But as everyone says, giddy new love is like heroin, so perhaps he's over-estimating his own strength.

 

I can't imagine any scenario with the two of them alone that doesn't send me into a panic at this point. Perhaps never.

[wordster]

Investigate Codependency - Symptoms of Codependency | Psych Central

 

Yep, I flirt with some of these traits, but not enough for the diagnosis.

 

Being abandoned by my mom and criticized by my dad during my childhood was hard on my self-esteem. But I have worked on this issue since I was 12. I feel good about who I am and the choices I've made in my life. I do like to please people, but it tends to be limited to my family and closest friends. With practice, I have gotten good at setting boundaries with people, especially ones that ask a lot of me. Or when there's no give and take in the relationship. My weakest boundaries are with my H and my kids, but I still reach limits at home, and express those limits.

 

I'm not usually reactive or overly dependent. I have a strong sense of self. I grew up having to take care of myself. My H has had a demanding job, which has given me a lot of time on my own. My early career also pushed me in this area. My career as an artist has thickened my skin. The A has shaken me so much, though, that some of my early life issues are rearing up.

 

Despite my dad's critical nature, we talked about EVERYTHING at home. Nothing was off limits. I feel like communication and intimacy are my strong suits..

 

In general, I think a lot, but don't obsess. The A has changed that.

 

Control is all about safety for me. If I feel safe, I don't need control.

 

So, yes, some codependency issues, but not co--dependent.

Edited May 16, 2015 by wordster

[Try]

I have no interest in playing Russian Roulette! If I get to the point where I trust my H fully, perhaps it isn't necessary to trust her, too. After all, it takes two people to have an A.

 

I realize that if she were still sending signals to him, it could be hard for him to resist.

Since you "realize that if she were still sending signals to him, it could be hard for him to resist", keeping her in your life is playing Russian Roulette.

 

He feels he could at this point, regardless of his feelings, because he's so committed to making it work with me. But as everyone says, giddy new love is like heroin, so perhaps he's over-estimating his own strength.

 

I can't imagine any scenario with the two of them alone that doesn't send me into a panic at this point. Perhaps never.

Google "How to steal another woman's man" and you will see that you are playing with fire with this other woman. Typical of what you will find, one article began by stating "She’s your man’s co-worker, a neighbor, one of his “homegirls” or even one of your girlfriends. She appears friendly and genuine at first, but most of us can see her for what she really is – a woman plotting on your man. She’s biding her time, waiting for you to mess up or for your man to display a moment of weakness before she makes her move." Marriages have their ups and downs. By allowing her to stay in your life, your husbands affair partner will just wait "for you to mess up or for your man to display a moment of weakness" again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

[Auspecial]

This is implying she moved in on him, he may have moved in on her...

A woman in a bad, unhappy marriage, is a great target for men looking for an opportunity to get some.

 

 

Yes, they were both vulnerable and they both have accountability.

[Auspecial]

I agree that she doesn't respect me. Anyone that abuses someone, and expects to be taken back, doesn't respect the person they abused. It's true.

 

The process could bring about a change in her. Or maybe it won't. I have changed things about myself over the years.

 

I agree with that. People can. and do change.

 

I guess some of this depends on what the friendship was like before. To me, if you were always the one giving, she will just take your ongoing forgiveness as a sign to keep trampling on you and it will escalate.

 

The lack of respect would do me in. This is a hard-wired deal-breaker for me.

 

I "get" storms, I "get" perfect storms.

 

What I will never get is how people can betray each other at such levels, when there are sooooooooo many other fish in the sea, and plenty of other fish who are also vulnerable, for that matter, But NOT your best friend & husband choosing to indulge in their whims......

[LifesontheUp]

They were among his closest friends before the A. Of course, he doesn't want to let them go. He's very good at seeing the good qualities in people, and overlooking the bad.

 

Just wondering, are you frightened to tell your husband that because of what HE did he cannot have those close friendships any longer?

 

Actions have consequences, and in all honesty the longer your continue to appease your husband, the affect will forever be with you.

 

Again, actions have consquences. And in this case, those friends are no longer friends of your marriage.

[merrmeade]

Words matter and the ones we choose may convey something other than what we intend, and the ones we leave out, even more. I’ve consolidated your comments under headings, asked some questions, implied others. Of course, they are out of context. That is the point. Look at what they say when put together thematically.

 

BACKGROUND

You and your H met when you were 17 and “got married while in college.” Why is that important?

 

THE MUSHROOMS

-- In the first post you say they fell “’in love’...two years ago under the influence of psychedelic mushrooms.”

-- Later you say that he blames the mushrooms: "He feels the psychedelic mushrooms played a huge part. He took them with her four times. The first time started the feelings. The last two started the touching."

-- Then, even later you say, “The A was conducted on hikes, bike trips, ski days, and during games of racquetball.”

--THEREFORE: for two years and three months, they fostered the relationship without outside influence. What was the significance of those mushrooms for YOU, Wordster?

 

THE ‘FRIEND’

Seems to me you already gave several answers to how you really and truly feel about the thread question — “... my friend was never really my friend if she did that to me. Is that true?” —

• she calls us BFs because we are close, but I've never felt comfortable with that term.
  
• she had a different BF in high school. I wasn't her maid of honor at her wedding.
  
• she tends to have intense friendships that don't last.
  
• she has one other close childhood friend. I have several close friendships here, as well as long-distance friendships from earlier in life.
  
• How you feel about how she’s treated you since D-day:
  
• she seemed to have little understanding of what I'm going through.
  
• she blamed her behavior on her bad marriage
  
• she lied to me for months
  
• abused me as a friend.
  
• she was turning to him as a confidante, instead of me, which felt like a betrayal in itself.
  
• Deceiving me involved deceiving themselves.
  
• she was definitely rug-sweeping
  
• She's just more attracted to people that are socially charming, which sometimes aren't the deepest people.
  
• She has not chosen a path of giving and kindness
  
• the pains she has experienced in life have turned her selfish and sometimes bitter.
  
• she doesn't respect me. Anyone that abuses someone, and expects to be taken back, doesn't respect the person they abused.
  
• She put herself before me, her desires before my well-being. I think she never believed I would know. She can sometimes be judgmental. Certainly what she did showed her lack of empathy for me at the time.

HUSBAND: You describe your H in contradictory terms:

Remorseful, sincere:

• held me for a few months of near daily crying, and listened to me talk, and apologized, and read Shirley Glass book on infidelity. He is working on the source of his deep unhappiness with life in general.
  
• I think it's possible that my husband learned from his mistake.
  
• I believe my H is telling me the truth. We've had an honest relationship up to this point, and he said that lying to me was another part of the wake-up call for him.

A good person:

• big-hearted and generous.
  
• nonjudgmental and kind.
  
• a rescuer
  
• likes to create magical experiences for people.
  
• well loved in the community.
  
• he usually considers the feelings of those around him.
  
• He is universally well loved in the community. He is so giving of his time, energy, empathy, etc.

'Explanations’ for the A:

• he's a risk-taker
  
• going through a mid-life
  
• unhappy at work for several years.
  
• The wake up call for him happened when he thought sex was a short step away
  
• they seduced each other.
  
• He loves to rescue the maiden in distress, and she was the maiden in distress, asking to be rescued.

.The truth (what really seems to bother you) ??? :

• When I kept asking him what she'd said to him, he told me that she didn't want me to know.
  
• H and friend have been close for years.
  
• [Even though he’s sorry,] One never knows how things will be in year.
  
• I don't feel at all safe now.
  
• Deceiving me involved deceiving themselves.
  
• possible that my H is overestimating his ability to control his own actions at this point.
  
• he said the feelings were so intense, it was like taking heroin.
  
• It doesn't seem likely to me [he would've decided to stop on his own if they'd started having sex]
  
• he's holding out for the friendship to be re-established.
  
• part of having an A for him, required putting reality aside for a while. Reality is seeping back in by increments

WHAT’S REALLY IMPORTANT? These comments reveal a lot — what’s maybe not really in your best interest or what you really care about, what you do care about deep down maybe. What concerns me the most is your willingness to let others’ discomfort drive your choices

SERIOUSLY?

• I would rather that my friends aren't put in that awkward situation five years from now.
  
  
• I can imagine that I might be able to handle being at a party with both of them there in a year or
  so
  .
  
  
• I don't want to lose this huge chunk of my life. My
  H
  doesn't either.
  
  
• I have no practice an denying him anything big. I've never denied him anything that he felt was essential for his happiness.
  
  
• Asking him for indefinite
  NC
  has been hard on me. But it is making me stronger, too, which is good.
  
  
• he loves throwing parties, and now feels he should be spending time contemplating his life.
  
  
• I can't ask him to leave the house he built.
  
  
• He's always had good ideas and a lot of passion around having them fulfilled. I tend to have fewer ideas, and a natural follower. When he's spinning a new idea, he HATES it when I shoot it down with reality. I try to keep this to a minimum these days, only standing up for the things that really affect me

OR IS IT REALLY LIKE THIS?

• I feel like I could handle spending the next phase of my time on this earth in the company of true friends without seeking out a new life partner.
  
  
• I don't know that he would restart the A, but I do know that the fear of it would turn me into a wreck right now.
  
  
• I had planned to call [but] reminded myself ... it wasn't wise to put myself through the pain and stress of a phone call.
  
  
• giddy new love is like heroin,
  so
  perhaps he's over-estimating his own strength.
  
  
• I can't imagine any scenario with the two of them alone that doesn't send me into a panic at this point. Perhaps never.

WORRISOME WORDSTER WORDS

• Re: Decision not to monitor - Ignoring loopholes?
  
• He showed me the one text she sent him about a medical question she had.
  
• I truly believe that he doesn't want our marriage to end, so that will prevent him from doing this.
  
• You may think me naive, but I can't and won't be a policeman.
  
• If he has chosen to lie to me about this, it's between him and his conscience.

Edited May 17, 2015 by merrmeade

[lgspot]

I met my H when I was 17. We got married while in college. We are soul mates and best friends. We laugh and have our own language and go on dates. We talk about almost everything. We travel. We have a great sex life. We've been together for 33 years. We have two teen-aged children still at home.

 

We live in a small town. We moved here 15 years ago with another couple. The wife of the couple is my H's EAP. She was my friend in both high school and college, and beyond. She calls us BFs because we are close, but I've never felt comfortable with that terms. She had a different BF in high school. I wasn't her maid of honor at her wedding. She tends to have intense friendships that don't last. I'm the friend that has stuck by her all these years. She has one other close childhood friend. I have several close friendships here, as well as long-distance friendships from earlier in life.

 

D-Day was 4 months ago. Though my H and my friend have known each other for 30 years as well, and we've been on many vacations together, they didn't "fall in love" until two years ago under the influence of psychedelic mushrooms. Last October they crossed the line into snuggling and kissing and saying I love you. This went on for over 3 months. After D-Day, I said to my husband NC or we have to separate. We stayed together

 

Since then, H and I have been to IC and CC. He says he never planned to leave me. He thought he could have his thrill of falling in love, and it would run its course, and I'd never know. When his feelings from my friend intensified, and threatened to turn into a PA, he ended it. I accept that he's a risk-taker and is going through a mid-life. He's been unhappy at work for several years. All these factors played into his crappy choice. Still it hurts like crazy. I'm bewildered, devastated, in pain. I've always been so careful not to hurt him all these years, and to meet his needs.

 

He has held me for a few months of near daily crying, and listened to me talk, and apologized, and read Shirley Glass book on infidelity. He is working on the source of his deep unhappiness with life in general. I have learned to speak up for myself. We've been working on how to communicate in areas where we disagree.

 

In the beginning, I talked to my friend, too. Then I switched to NC with her because she seemed to have little understanding of what I'm going through. She blamed her behavior on her bad marriage, when in fact she lied to me for months and abused me as a friend. Part of me would like to end the friendship forever. But she wants to try to work things out. She is reading the infidelity book right now, and says she'd be willing to go into counseling with me. I feel like I should give her a chance.

 

I would love input from any BS that experienced double betrayal like I did. Did you forgive your friend? Also, from any women who betrayed their best friends. My other close friends tell me that my friend was never really my friend if she did that to me. Is that true?

 

I've poked around threads looking for a story like mine with no success. If you know of such a thread, please point me in the right direction.

 

Thank you!!!!!!

wordster,

I wish you all the best and hope things work out for you.

Geez did your H screw up or what? 33 years is a long time!

 

I don't know of any threads, but I can offer a personal example from friends in my life. Difference was it was the wife that cheated and who was sorry.

Long story short: They had been married around 15 years at the time. W and H's best friend were spending time together. Shared vacations, tennis, kid's activities, etc... An "EA" developed. W felt guilty over time and confessed to catching feelings. Friendships broke up. A potential fistfight was broken up one night. Yadda, Yadda. Got pretty ugly between H and his best friend.

Both friend and W swore it was "just" EA... Stories jived.

Things rock on for awhile. H and W going to MC and IC. Life gets sorta back to normal.

Couple years down the road it comes out that it wasn't "just" emotional. There was also a little oral and involved naked bodies. (no mushrooms)

Marriage over. Trust lost.

Fast forward and H and his best friend are friends again (not best friends, but friends).

exW is still exW.

As a witness to this, I learned there was a moral to the story.

Its easier to repair a friendship than a marriage.

[Southern Sun]

But do you really feel that someone that cheats once ALWAYS cheats again? Don't people ever learn from their first bad experience? I'm pretty sure there are numbers on this in Shirley Glass's book Not Just Friends.

 

Taking all the words and speculation out of this, going back to one of the original, basic questions - NO, there are many people who are not in the category of "once a cheater, always a cheater." Some certainly do cheat again. Some find it to be a one-time, very bad mistake, learn from it, and never repeat it.

 

However, the bigger issue is not whether your husband will cheat again, but sanctioning a friendship between your husband and "friend" again. If you read materials on affairs (and I'm sure it's in Glass' book), it's generally known that former APs should NEVER have contact again. It's possible and certainly there are exceptions. There are people where cheating happened within families and they have to withstand each other for a few hours each Thanksgiving. But to welcome one another voluntarily back into a social circle? It's asking for trouble. It's just an opportunity for the old feelings to get triggered, regardless of all their good intentions.

 

(And yes, speaking from experience...former wayward wife).

[lemoncello]

Directly from Dr. Shirley Glass' website:

 

 

Assumption: Affairs happen in unhappy or unloving marriages.

 

Fact: Affairs can happen in good marriages. Affairs are less about love and more about sliding across boundaries.

 

Assumption: Affairs occur mostly because of sexual attraction.

 

Fact: The lure of an affair is how the unfaithful partner is mirrored back through the adoring eyes of the new love. Another appeal is that individuals experience new roles and opportunities for growth in new relationships.

 

Assumption: A cheating partner almost always leaves clues, so a naïve spouse must be burying his or her head in the sand.

 

Fact: The majority of affairs are never detected. Some individuals can successfully compartmentalize their lives or are such brilliant liars that their partners nevers find out.

 

Assumption: A person having an affair shows less interest in sex at home.

 

Fact: The excitement of an affair can increase passion at home and make sex even more interesting.

 

Assumption: The person having an affair isn’t getting enough at home.

 

Fact: The truth is that the unfaithful partner may not be giving enough. In fact, the spouse who gives too little is more at risk than the spouse who gives too much because he or she is less invested.

 

Assumption: A straying partner finds fault with everything you do.

 

Fact: He or she may in fact become Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful in order to escape detection. Most likely he or she will be alternately critical and devoted.

 

Also from Dr. Shirley Glass' website about her book, Not Just Friends:

 

You can have an affair without having sex. Sometimes the greatest betrayals happen without touching. Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust.

 

Because child-centered families create conditions that increase the vulnerability for affairs, the children may ultimately be harmed.

 

People are more likely to cheat if their friends and family members have cheated.

 

When a woman has an affair, it is more often the result of long-term marital dissatisfaction, and the marriage is harder to repair.

 

Most people, including unfaithful partners, think that talking about an affair with the betrayed partner will only create more upset, but that is actually the way to rebuild intimacy. Trying to recover without discussing the betrayal is like waxing a dirty floor.

 

The aftermath of an affair can offer partners who are still committed to their marriage an opportunity to strengthen their bond. Exploring vulnerabilities often leads to a more intimate relationship.

 

Starting over with a new love does not necessarily lead to a life of eternal bliss. Seventy-five percent of all people who marry their affair partners end up divorced.

 

Over 90 percent of married individuals believe that monogamy is important, but almost half of them admit to having had affairs.

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I think it's possible that my husband learned from his mistake.

 

 

 

And by learning from his past mistake, he should realize that he can not trust himself with this affair partner being anywhere close (as a continuing friend, as a work partner, etc). So he, if he really did learn, would be deliberately distancing himself from her. His opposite reaction...trying to keep her as a friend...shows that he learned little.