Thinking about reconciling with my close friend after she and my H had an EA

[elaine567]

Definition of Friendship

by Friends.com

​If you look in the dictionary it will tell you that the definition of friendship is a state of being friends; friendly relation, or attachment, to a person, or between persons; affection arising from mutual esteem and good will; friendliness; amity; good will. That all sounds nice, but it doesn’t cover the fact that a true friendship is a relationship that can survive the test of time and remain unconditional.

 

Friendship for most people is a combination of affection, loyalty, love, respect, and trust. The general traits of a friendship include similar interests, mutual respect and an attachment to each other, and in order to experience friendship, you need to have true friends. The emotional safety provided by friendship means not having to weigh your thoughts and measure words. True friendship is when someone knows you better than yourself and takes a position in your best interests in a crisis. Friendship goes beyond just sharing time together, and it is long lasting.

 

Friendship can mean different things to different people. For some people it is simply the trust that someone will not hurt you. For others it might be unconditional love or just normal companionship. Whatever your own definition is, friendship is often considered as a mutual and agreeable relationship between two individuals, and that’s a good thing, as it has been said that a person who finds a true friend has found a priceless treasure.

 

Friendship is rarely one-sided though, as it takes two individuals to negotiate the boundaries in a relationship and a friendship will not survive very long if only one person is making the effort to sustain the relationship without any help or recognition from other person. Because it takes both positive and negative experiences to define a personality, it is essential to build your friendships with people who are compatible with you on both an emotional and psychological basis.

- See more at: Definition of Friendship

 

Is she your friend?

Is he your friend?

 

Did they knowingly hurt you?

I guess they did.

 

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

For myself, NC...is not punitive. That is not the purpose nor the goal.

 

It is to bring a measure of safety....for yourself....and your husband. You were once hoodwinked to your former friends intents regarding her ideas of friendship towards your husband. Your husband has also crossed the same lines. His chances for returning to affair relationship status increases with contact.

 

Most.....feel..that moving forward means leaving the past...and often that includes people behind. Don't return to old patterns....consider letting these friends go. Your friend is "someone that you used to know".

[wordster]

He ripped your heart out and threw it into the fire.

 

Clearly you've experienced this, too. That's how it feels.

[wordster]

My ex brought J back into our lives about 6 months after the affair ended that time and within a few weeks we were touching, kissing, and having sex again. Then we'd decide to stop seeing each other for many reasons, end up in contact again, rinse and repeat.

 

The reason J was a recurring guest star was because it wasn't just sex. J and I were close friends before we were lovers and we had an emotional attachment to go along with our physical attraction. That is primarily what kept us coming back for more.

 

The above scenario is terrifying to me. H and friend have been close for years. I keep saying to H, "Once the line is crossed. How can you go back? Those new feelings will still be there." Last night, after reading all your comments again, plus a thread on how long it takes to get over the AP, I asked the same question.

 

He said that he had deceived himself into thinking he could have the A without hurting me. Have his fun without consequences of any kind. He told himself it would go away on its own. He feels the psychedelic mushrooms played a huge part. He too them with her four times. The first time started the feelings. The last two started the touching.

 

Now he sees how much pain he's caused me, he can't imagine ever putting me through that again. It's caused him quite a lot of emotional pain, too, feeling like a piece of ****, feeling guilty for hurting me, and deep depression. He says he's "emotional pain" averse, so that if he ever has inappropriate feelings again, he won't act on them. He will never take mushrooms with her again.

 

That's how he feels now. One never knows how things will be in year.

 

I still can't picture a scenario where they are friends like they were before, talking on the phone together, mountain biking together. I can imagine that I might be able to handle being at a party with both of them there in a year or so. Time will tell.

 

All the comments here were a wake up call to me. I'm going to give myself more time before doing anything except healing and spending time with my H.

[wordster]

For myself, NC...is not punitive. That is not the purpose nor the goal.

 

It is to bring a measure of safety....for yourself....and your husband. You were once hoodwinked to your former friends intents regarding her ideas of friendship towards your husband. Your husband has also crossed the same lines. His chances for returning to affair relationship status increases with contact.

 

Most.....feel..that moving forward means leaving the past...and often that includes people behind. Don't return to old patterns....consider letting these friends go. Your friend is "someone that you used to know".

 

I don't feel at all safe now. Deceiving me involved deceiving themselves. Self deception is a powerful force. I think it's possible that my H is overestimating his ability to control his own actions at this point.

 

I won't rush into anything.

 

It's just hard to permanently give up on a friendship that started in 1978. My friend had a rough childhood, and that was something we bonded over. We spent a lot of time in HS together, a lot of time in college together, and visited regularly for the 12 years the H and I lived in another state. Then 15 years ago we moved to the same town so that we all could be together. We raised our children together.

 

Our relationship is nothing like a marriage, though, and I agree with the poster that said, "Do you really want to go to therapy with her and be all sad and bloody and raw again so she sees what she did?" I don't want to do that, especially right now.

 

In fact, I texted her yesterday, after reading all your comments, to tell her I wasn't ready to talk, and to remind her not to contact me or my H. I had planned to call because texts are so cold. But then I reminded myself that I have to take care of myself first, so it wasn't wise to put myself through the pain and stress of a phone call.

 

So thank you.

[stillafool]

I would never be friends with her again. I'd probably be angry at husband if he suggested such a thing and red flags would appear. No, no, no fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

[wordster]

When I started IC, on the first visit the therapist told me my values were those of kindness and compassion for others. I'm someone that lives from my heart.

 

I believe in treating people how I wanted to be treated, with honesty, loyalty, and understanding. When someone treats me badly, I spend time reflecting before responding. I try never to use someone's bad behavior as a reason to retaliate.

 

This can earn me the reputation as Saint Wordster, which I'm not. I just lost my mom at a young age, and crave true love and security to such a degree that I work hard to earn it. I mostly choose people that love deeply and well. But people can change with time, and I think my friend has changed since we started the friendship 36 years ago. She has not chosen a path of giving and kindness, something I think she had in the beginning. I believe the pains she has experienced in life have turned her selfish and sometimes bitter. Those things led to her ultimate selfish act.

 

Before the, I had the illusion that if I treated people with love and respect and generosity, that nothing of this nature could ever happen to me. That illusion was shattered, just like one poster said. You throw a plate on the floor, it's shattered, never to be the same plate again.

 

My life has forever changed. There is no going back to the past.

 

All the comments I have gotten have registered. I need more time before acting. A lot more time. I need to be aware of the risks involved if I proceed down the path of reconciliation with my friend. I need to take care of myself for a change.

 

All of you who have opened yourself up to me here are beautiful people, and I am grateful for your sharing and advice. It is a gift. Thank you.

[wordster]

I would never be friends with her again. I'd probably be angry at husband if he suggested such a thing and red flags would appear. No, no, no fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

 

Are you speaking from experience?

 

I think it's natural for the WH to want things to go back to the way they were before the A. It's up to me to set and hold the boundary, based on what I need.

 

I don't know that he would restart the A, but I do know that the fear of it would turn me into a wreck right now.

[elaine567]

I don't know that he would restart the A, but I do know that the fear of it would turn me into a wreck right now.

 

That is a very common situation and one of he reasons reconciliation fails for some people. The BW cannot "police" her husband forever, but she knows if she doesn't, he can slip back into cheating again and the thought of that is too much to bear. Better to divorce for some than live with the uncertainty.

Is your husband being transparent with you?

Do you have access to his computer, his phone, his laptop etc.

If not, then why not?

[ladydesigner]

Is your husband being transparent with you?

Do you have access to his computer, his phone, his laptop etc.

If not, then why not?

 

Theses are great questions wordster. Much of what you are writing here sounds like your WH is remorseful, but I would still make sure you have access to the things asked in the questions above just to verify that NC is maintained between your WH and your friend.

 

I'm really sorry you find yourself in this position. A double betrayal is an even deeper wound than just one betrayal. I really do wish you the best with your healing.

[stillafool]

Are you speaking from experience?

 

I think it's natural for the WH to want things to go back to the way they were before the A. It's up to me to set and hold the boundary, based on what I need.

 

I don't know that he would restart the A, but I do know that the fear of it would turn me into a wreck right now.

 

Yes I've been betrayed by friends but never in a marriage. I'm kind of a hard a$$ when it comes to giving people a second chance once they've shown me who they are. For certain if I were in your position she would never be my friend again, I would forgive her, but that would be the end of us.

[Try]

The above scenario is terrifying to me. H and friend have been close for years. I keep saying to H, "Once the line is crossed. How can you go back? Those new feelings will still be there." Last night, after reading all your comments again, plus a thread on how long it takes to get over the AP, I asked the same question.

You should be terrified if you ever think to bring her back into your life, because you are right, "once the line is crossed", you cannot go back. Also, she is not really your friend, but is really your enemy that would steal your husband from you if given the chance by you to do so.

 

Studies show that there is a powerful brain drug similar to cocaine that is released when you are in a new romantic relationship. This drug is very addictive and is what got them to emotionally bond. Taken with other drugs, and the attraction must have been amazing for them. Because this newness brain drug impairs your judgment, nature has the body stop producing this brain drug as the relationship matures, such that it stops being produced after a few years. Thus you are Mrs. same old that cannot get this drug to be produced anymore by your husband.

 

Here is the catch. Both of them now associate this drug and the feel good emotions with each other. Just seeing or talking to each other will begin to release this brain drug, and they will want more. Right now your husband is picking you. In the ups and downs of most marriages, that may not always be true, especially if his affair partner is allowed to hang around enough as a fake friend to know when and how to next make her move on your husband. She must be banned from all contact with both you and your husband forever. If you are foolish enough not to follow this advise, you will have only your self to blame should things go wrong.

 

BTW, they are adults so I doubt that it was only kissing and cuddling. If you read other threads on this and other sites, you will see that cheaters almost always falsely claim that it was only kissing and cuddling, when in fact it was usually much more. Minimizing the sex is part of the standard cheaters script.

Edited May 15, 2015 by Try

[fellini]

You should be terrified if you ever think to bring her back into your life, because you are right, "once the line is crossed", you cannot go back. Also, she is not really your friend, but is really your enemy that would steal your husband from you if given the chance by you to do so.

 

Studies show that there is a powerful brain drug similar to cocaine that is released when you are in a new romantic relationship. This drug is very addictive and is what got them to emotionally bond. Taken with other drugs, and the attraction must have been amazing for them. Because this newness brain drug impairs your judgment, nature has the body stop producing this brain drug as the relationship matures, such that it stops being produced after a few years. Thus you are Mrs. same old that cannot get this drug to be produced anymore by your husband.

 

Here is the catch. Both of them now associate this drug and the feel good emotions with each other. Just seeing or talking to each other will begin to release this brain drug, and they will want more.

 

Well it's not that simple. Long term relationships begin to produce yet another chemical (heroine like addiction rather than cocaine) that allows for the feelings of a more secure and permanent deeper love.

 

But it is simply not true that our brains stop producing PEA after marriage. It is we as couples that adopt routines in life -forming child centred marriages being the most popular - that curtail the continuous production of this chemical of heightened desire. Helen Fisher has shown that couples deeply in love continue to produce these same chemicals 30 years into their marriage. Esther Perel has written a book on how this can be achieved (Mating in captivity: RECONCILING the domestic and the erotic).

 

What is definately true is that they can use their presence to keep alive those feelings. Worse. Fantasy is a huge factor in maintaining this drug induced state, and so just thinking about the memories can have the same effect. This is why hysterical bonding is so important for couples trying to reconcile. Hysterical bonding is very similar to making love on cocaine.

Speaking from experience.

[merrmeade]

I knew from your first post that, yes, I've done it - all of what you're asking about - with my sister-in-law. The parallel to your situation and reactions to mine are so close that I almost didn't know where to begin. All I have to do is change a few words from your post:

I was upset by a phone call, TEXT & EMAIL between him and my SIL that didn't make sense to me. I thought she was turning to him as a confidante, instead of me, which felt like a betrayal in itself.

 

When I ASKED HER ABOUT IT, SHE told me that THEY didn't want me to know.

 

Finally, when I went to go sleep on the RECLINER, ... he told me the truth THE NEXT DAY. I was completely taken by surprise. But when I thought about it, I realized the signs had been there for me to see. I am a very trusting person.

I could have matched every post you've written with a similar experience. My SIL bypassed the question of reconciling and has been acting like there's no reason she and I can't be close and loving again. For her the affair was an inapproriate EA in which they "lost it" a couple of times. She said they couldn't let me know how close their friendship was because I wouldn't have been comfortable with it. She said she was sorry, I forgave but then we started talking and it was clear she did not understand what I'd gone through. That made any contact with her doubly hurtful and upsetting to me.

 

But I stopped short at the main thrust of your thread: You actually WANT to reconcile with your friend.

 

I could NOT imagine why such a scenario as this doesn't send you into PTSD:

I can imagine that I might be able to handle being at a party with both of them there in a year or so. Time will tell.

I started trying to understand why you'd want this and realized that your 'party' in the future is like the family 'gatherings' represent that we've lost due to my SIL's and WH's EA/PA. They carry meaningful history and joyful memories for many people over a long period of time... So I stopped and spent

A LONG TIME

thinking about those 'gatherings'. I traveled into the past and into myself a long way, remembering what they meant to both families and what's been lost: The past AND a future that both our families SHOULD have together.

 

So, oh yes, I do understand. It's not just your friend that you want to keep in your life, it's the life that you and your husband had that you want to keep. She was a part of that. Losing those shared activities - and all the past memories they're associated with - represent an enormous chunk of YOUR life. It's huge. I get it.

 

It's sad what you've lost, but it is not your job to fix it. It can't be fixed.

 

You have to find meaning with new people in new ways and so do I. I have to give my grandkids new memories and help them learn family stories and traditions in other ways.

 

Believe me, wordster, this is better. This is about protecting what is most important and most sacred to your most basic humanity. Reconciling with her means dismissing her humiliation of you and her disgrace to your marriage.

 

You can forgive her but not what she did. She needs to be accountable and losing you is simply part of the fallout from that.

Edited May 15, 2015 by merrmeade

[fellini]

It's just hard to permanently give up on a friendship that started in 1978. My friend had a rough childhood, and that was something we bonded over. We spent a lot of time in HS together, a lot of time in college together, and visited regularly for the 12 years the H and I lived in another state. Then 15 years ago we moved to the same town so that we all could be together. We raised our children together.

 

One of the truths about having another couple become a "best friends" couple, is that we tend to allow that to enclose our social relationships completely. Doing so means we are not exactly "open to" or even seeing other couples who might also be perfectly adequate as friends. (For example imagine this other couple left town for some unforeseen reason.)

 

 

The important thing to remember is: when one door closes, another one opens.

[road]

I met my H when I was 17. We got married while in college. We are soul mates and best friends. We laugh and have our own language and go on dates. We talk about almost everything. We travel. We have a great sex life. We've been together for 33 years. We have two teen-aged children still at home.

 

We live in a small town. We moved here 15 years ago with another couple. The wife of the couple is my H's EAP. She was my friend in both high school and college, and beyond. She calls us BFs because we are close, but I've never felt comfortable with that terms. She had a different BF in high school. I wasn't her maid of honor at her wedding. She tends to have intense friendships that don't last. I'm the friend that has stuck by her all these years. She has one other close childhood friend. I have several close friendships here, as well as long-distance friendships from earlier in life.

 

D-Day was 4 months ago. Though my H and my friend have known each other for 30 years as well, and we've been on many vacations together, they didn't "fall in love" until two years ago under the influence of psychedelic mushrooms. Last October they crossed the line into snuggling and kissing and saying I love you. This went on for over 3 months. After D-Day, I said to my husband NC or we have to separate. We stayed together

 

Since then, H and I have been to IC and CC. He says he never planned to leave me. He thought he could have his thrill of falling in love, and it would run its course, and I'd never know. When his feelings from my friend intensified, and threatened to turn into a PA, he ended it. I accept that he's a risk-taker and is going through a mid-life. He's been unhappy at work for several years. All these factors played into his crappy choice. Still it hurts like crazy. I'm bewildered, devastated, in pain. I've always been so careful not to hurt him all these years, and to meet his needs.

 

He has held me for a few months of near daily crying, and listened to me talk, and apologized, and read Shirley Glass book on infidelity. He is working on the source of his deep unhappiness with life in general. I have learned to speak up for myself. We've been working on how to communicate in areas where we disagree.

 

In the beginning, I talked to my friend, too. Then I switched to NC with her because she seemed to have little understanding of what I'm going through. She blamed her behavior on her bad marriage, when in fact she lied to me for months and abused me as a friend. Part of me would like to end the friendship forever. But she wants to try to work things out. She is reading the infidelity book right now, and says she'd be willing to go into counseling with me. I feel like I should give her a chance.

 

I would love input from any BS that experienced double betrayal like I did. Did you forgive your friend? Also, from any women who betrayed their best friends. My other close friends tell me that my friend was never really my friend if she did that to me. Is that true?

 

I've poked around threads looking for a story like mine with no success. If you know of such a thread, please point me in the right direction.

 

Thank you!!!!!!

 

 

You and your WH must stay NC with the OW and best to sell the house and move far away from her.

[Auspecial]

IMO her idea of doing IC with you is just to keep the drama flying. You have been her steady friend for years while she is having fast friendships blossom and die out. IMO, its just your turn to die out.

 

In her mind, you weren't important to start with. Doing mushrooms doesn't make someone cheat. I think she moved in knowing your husband felt vulnerable.

 

Deciding to cheat is her business, but there are way too many other fish in the sea, to instead poach one's friends husbands, and especially a friend who had "been there for her" for years.

 

She clearly does not have respect for you. I think you are seeing her the way you want her to be, rather than how she really is.

[elaine567]

IMO her idea of doing IC with you is just to keep the drama flying. You have been her steady friend for years while she is having fast friendships blossom and die out. IMO, its just your turn to die out.

 

In her mind, you weren't important to start with. Doing mushrooms doesn't make someone cheat. I think she moved in knowing your husband felt vulnerable.

 

Deciding to cheat is her business, but there are way too many other fish in the sea, to instead poach one's friends husbands, and especially a friend who had "been there for her" for years.

 

She clearly does not have respect for you. I think you are seeing her the way you want her to be, rather than how she really is.

 

This is implying she moved in on him, he may have moved in on her...

A woman in a bad, unhappy marriage, is a great target for men looking for an opportunity to get some.

[wordster]

Theses are great questions wordster. Much of what you are writing here sounds like your WH is remorseful, but I would still make sure you have access to the things asked in the questions above just to verify that NC is maintained between your WH and your friend.

 

I'm really sorry you find yourself in this position. A double betrayal is an even deeper wound than just one betrayal. I really do wish you the best with your healing.

 

Our kids use his computer regularly. He leaves his phone lying around unlocked. I don't think he would do that if he had something to hide. In any case, they didn't have much of an electronic relationship. The A was conducted on hikes, bike trips, ski days, and during games of racquetball.

 

Since D-Day has disclosed to me when he has run into her, and exactly what was said. He showed me the one text she sent him about a medical question she had.

 

Rather than monitor his electronics, I will keep asking questions, and expect him to tell me about any accidental contact.

 

I feel a relationship is based on trust and honesty. If he is sneaking communications with her behind my back, which I don't believe, it will come out eventually and end our marriage. I truly believe that he doesn't want our marriage to end, so that will prevent him from doing this. You may think me naive, but I can't and won't be a policeman.

[wordster]

Yes I've been betrayed by friends but never in a marriage. I'm kind of a hard a$$ when it comes to giving people a second chance once they've shown me who they are. For certain if I were in your position she would never be my friend again, I would forgive her, but that would be the end of us.

 

I don't know what the future holds. I will give her a chance at some point in the future (not now because I realize I'm not ready), but I will not have expectations about the outcome.

[wordster]

You should be terrified if you ever think to bring her back into your life, because you are right, "once the line is crossed", you cannot go back. Also, she is not really your friend, but is really your enemy that would steal your husband from you if given the chance by you to do so.

 

Studies show that there is a powerful brain drug similar to cocaine that is released when you are in a new romantic relationship. This drug is very addictive and is what got them to emotionally bond. Taken with other drugs, and the attraction must have been amazing for them. Because this newness brain drug impairs your judgment, nature has the body stop producing this brain drug as the relationship matures, such that it stops being produced after a few years. Thus you are Mrs. same old that cannot get this drug to be produced anymore by your husband.

 

Here is the catch. Both of them now associate this drug and the feel good emotions with each other. Just seeing or talking to each other will begin to release this brain drug, and they will want more. Right now your husband is picking you. In the ups and downs of most marriages, that may not always be true, especially if his affair partner is allowed to hang around enough as a fake friend to know when and how to next make her move on your husband. She must be banned from all contact with both you and your husband forever. If you are foolish enough not to follow this advise, you will have only your self to blame should things go wrong.

 

BTW, they are adults so I doubt that it was only kissing and cuddling. If you read other threads on this and other sites, you will see that cheaters almost always falsely claim that it was only kissing and cuddling, when in fact it was usually much more. Minimizing the sex is part of the standard cheaters script.

 

That is interesting. When we were talking about the A, he said the feelings were so intense, it was like taking heroin.

 

H said that the realization that sex was a short step was what made him stop. Do you think he would've decided to stop on his own if they'd started having sex? It doesn't seem likely to me.

[wordster]

Well it's not that simple. Long term relationships begin to produce yet another chemical (heroine like addiction rather than cocaine) that allows for the feelings of a more secure and permanent deeper love.

 

But it is simply not true that our brains stop producing PEA after marriage. It is we as couples that adopt routines in life -forming child centred marriages being the most popular - that curtail the continuous production of this chemical of heightened desire. Helen Fisher has shown that couples deeply in love continue to produce these same chemicals 30 years into their marriage. Esther Perel has written a book on how this can be achieved (Mating in captivity: RECONCILING the domestic and the erotic).

 

What is definately true is that they can use their presence to keep alive those feelings. Worse. Fantasy is a huge factor in maintaining this drug induced state, and so just thinking about the memories can have the same effect. This is why hysterical bonding is so important for couples trying to reconcile. Hysterical bonding is very similar to making love on cocaine.

Speaking from experience.

 

I will check out Esther Perel. What is hysterical bonding? Does Esther touch on that on her book?

[stillafool]

Did he kiss her?

[wordster]

I knew from your first post that, yes, I've done it - all of what you're asking about - with my sister-in-law. The parallel to your situation and reactions to mine are so close that I almost didn't know where to begin. All I have to do is change a few words from your post:I could have matched every post you've written with a similar experience. My SIL bypassed the question of reconciling and has been acting like there's no reason she and I can't be close and loving again. For her the affair was an inapproriate EA in which they "lost it" a couple of times. She said they couldn't let me know how close their friendship was because I wouldn't have been comfortable with it. She said she was sorry, I forgave but then we started talking and it was clear she did not understand what I'd gone through. That made any contact with her doubly hurtful and upsetting to me.

 

But I stopped short at the main thrust of your thread: You actually WANT to reconcile with your friend.

 

I could NOT imagine why such a scenario as this doesn't send you into PTSD:I started trying to understand why you'd want this and realized that your 'party' in the future is like the family 'gatherings' represent that we've lost due to my SIL's and WH's EA/PA. They carry meaningful history and joyful memories for many people over a long period of time... So I stopped and spent

A LONG TIME

thinking about those 'gatherings'. I traveled into the past and into myself a long way, remembering what they meant to both families and what's been lost: The past AND a future that both our families SHOULD have together.

 

So, oh yes, I do understand. It's not just your friend that you want to keep in your life, it's the life that you and your husband had that you want to keep. She was a part of that. Losing those shared activities - and all the past memories they're associated with - represent an enormous chunk of YOUR life. It's huge. I get it.

 

It's sad what you've lost, but it is not your job to fix it. It can't be fixed.

 

You have to find meaning with new people in new ways and so do I. I have to give my grandkids new memories and help them learn family stories and traditions in other ways.

 

Believe me, wordster, this is better. This is about protecting what is most important and most sacred to your most basic humanity. Reconciling with her means dismissing her humiliation of you and her disgrace to your marriage.

 

You can forgive her but not what she did. She needs to be accountable and losing you is simply part of the fallout from that.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. You are right. I don't want to lose this huge chunk of my life. My H doesn't either. I have no practice an denying him anything big. I've never denied him anything that he felt was essential for his happiness.

 

Asking him for indefinite NC has been hard on me. But it is making me stronger, too, which is good.

 

Here's what I'd like to ask you Merrmeade.

 

My friend is not my closest friend in the world. But I'm her closest friend, I think. She had no one in our town to talk to after D-Day. She has friends, but not ones she could trust with the secret. She finally talked to a semi-close friend that was also a WW that lives one State away from us. She also told her sisters that live in another State, also.

 

She really wants to re-establish the relationship. She started reading Not Just Friends. She has said she would go to counseling with me.

 

What if I take all the time I need to heal and get myself together. Six months, a year, two years. Whatever. Then I go through a reconciliation process like I'm still undergoing with my H. Just me and her. There would still be NC with him during this process. She would have to review each detail of the affair with me. Be honest about herself, and what led her into this. Look at herself. Rebuild trust with me. All without the promise that we would be friends at the end. And with the possibility of NC with my husband for the rest of her life.

 

Do you think it could work, then?

[elaine567]

I will check out Esther Perel. What is hysterical bonding? Does Esther touch on that on her book?

 

Hysterical bonding is the passionate sex some reconciling couples engage in after Dday.

 

Upon being confronted with the undeniable reality that their most trusted spouse has betrayed them with another, some BS's experience an overwhelming sexual desire for their wayward spouse. Many couples claim to have had the best, most intense and loving sex of their relationship during the period following the discovery of an affair, (generally a few weeks to several months), often trying new things and experimenting in ways they had never considered before. This phenomenon is termed "Hysterical Bonding.

 

There is very little information on this phenomenon, but it appears to be a primal, instinctual way for the partners to reconnect and reclaim each other. While it may feel counter-intuitive to the BS; as if they are "rewarding" the WS for the affair, hysterical bonding can be a stepping stone to reconciliation. The intimacy encourages communication and a closeness that may otherwise take some time to re-build

 

The occurrence or absence of hysterical bonding does not appear to be an indicator of successful reconciliation. Many other factors, such as the WS's remorse and openness are far more reliable indicators. Hysterical bonding is, however, normal, and nothing for the BS to be alarmed about or ashamed about experiencing. In fact, it has been said it is the one positive in an otherwise long and miserable experience, so enjoy it while it lasts! SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity and Cheating