My Subordinate and I

[kayla73]

The only way to get her out of your head is to find someone else, preferably not where you work.

[green_tea]

Stop thinking about her. Limit the time you spend with her at work if that's possible. Go out with other girls. And don't hold out any hope that she'll change her mind (regarding the comment about playing your cards too early). If she was interested she would have gone out with you.

[SSM3]

Stop thinking about her.

 

That is what I have been trying to tell myself, but don't know how to.

 

Limit the time you spend with her at work if that's possible.

 

Impossible

 

And don't hold out any hope that she'll change her mind (regarding the comment about playing your cards too early). If she was interested she would have gone out with you.

 

That is what I want too but it's not easy.

[Mrin]

Find another woman. Have lots of sex with her. Seriously.

 

It really is that easy.

[SSM3]

4 weeks or so ago I casually asked my subordinate out on a date, she politely said thanks but no, which was fine. I knew the risks so had to play things extremely carefully and adopted the casual approach. I have tried to kill my feelings for her but I can't, they are too strong and they are getting stronger. We work together daily on tasks and projects and we need to speak to each other. She has totally blown my mind. I don't really know why I feel like this about her, but I do. I am a 39 yo male.

 

Since my proposition I am beginning to know more about her, we talk more about general stuff (nothing personal) and she is opening up. There is still an element of touching (mainly on her side with me, once today) and we have a better connection together (than before me asking her). When we should be discussing work we are just chatting about other stuff and it's normally me who rains in the conversation. Surely she knows how I feel as I asked her out previously so wouldn't she try and distance herself from me and not get to know me? She shouldn't be touching my hand either should she.

 

We text each other in the evenings sometimes too. The more we chat the more I am getting to know this girl and the more I am getting to like her.

 

My proposition hasn't been brought up since, not once, nor has it caused any discomfort. The problem is that I am someone who doesn't like to give in on things but I know that if I ask her again I am on thin ice.

 

I would love to know why she turned me down but appreciate this could make her feel uncomfortable.

 

I have worked with females in the past with no problems but this girl is totally different.

 

Has anyone else been down this road and if so what happened,?

[Syberia]

I haven't been down this road, but if you mean subordinate in the work sense, you could be in for a sexual harassment lawsuit if you pursue this much further. I wouldn't go there.

[OverIt75]

You seem to have left out an important detail - but since you posted in the Infidelity forum, I am going to take a leap here and guess that either you are married, she is, or both?

 

Regardless, dude, stop in your freakin' tracks.

 

The previous poster made a comment about a sexual harrassment suit coming your way. That is very valid. You may think that time could never come. She likes you, you like her, all is great, she would never, ever do that. But this stuff NEVER ends well. For some reason, when these things start, people don't think about the ending. There is always an ending. They simply can't continue perpetually. It's impossible. And when one or both is married, and when there is a power imbalance, really...it can get very, very ugly.

 

I had an affair with my married boss. I am married. It's now over and I had had to quit my job. He got to stay (well, he owned the company, so that's life). I could sue today if I wanted. She can sue you probably with the evidence she has right now. The chit-chat during the day and the friendly evening texting...that is going to evolve and it will feel good for a while, so you won't want to stop it. Stop it now before you get there, while you still have your head on your shoulders.

 

You seriously cannot fathom the myriad terrible outcomes this can have - on your career, your marriage if you have one, on her career and relationships, on your business or company, your children, your family, your friends, even your health.

 

Just don't.

[SSM3]

I haven't been down this road, but if you mean subordinate in the work sense, you could be in for a sexual harassment lawsuit if you pursue this much further. I wouldn't go there.

 

Thanks for the reply. I know, between this and the fact I was turned down are making things extra tuff. If it was a bar or club it would be so much easier. If she does like me (now or ever in the future) she will never make a move either, and nor can I.

[SSM3]

You seem to have left out an important detail - but since you posted in the Infidelity forum, I am going to take a leap here and guess that either you are married, she is, or both?

 

Regardless, dude, stop in your freakin' tracks.

 

The previous poster made a comment about a sexual harrassment suit coming your way. That is very valid. You may think that time could never come. She likes you, you like her, all is great, she would never, ever do that. But this stuff NEVER ends well. For some reason, when these things start, people don't think about the ending. There is always an ending. They simply can't continue perpetually. It's impossible. And when one or both is married, and when there is a power imbalance, really...it can get very, very ugly.

 

I had an affair with my married boss. I am married. It's now over and I had had to quit my job. He got to stay (well, he owned the company, so that's life). I could sue today if I wanted. She can sue you probably with the evidence she has right now. The chit-chat during the day and the friendly evening texting...that is going to evolve and it will feel good for a while, so you won't want to stop it. Stop it now before you get there, while you still have your head on your shoulders.

 

You seriously cannot fathom the myriad terrible outcomes this can have - on your career, your marriage if you have one, on her career and relationships, on your business or company, your children, your family, your friends, even your health.

 

Just don't.

 

 

You make perfect sense, it's really difficult to swallow. It's a like taking a kid into a sweet shop and telling him he can't have any.

 

You are right, I just need to figure out how to do it.

[road]

So is either of you married?

[rester]

We text each other in the evenings sometimes too. The more we chat the more I am getting to know this girl and the more I am getting to like her.

 

This is your problem right here. Stop all of this. No texting after work hours, no chatting, no "getting to know" each other beyond what is necessary for your professional relationship. The more you push for a personal relationship, the deeper you are digging the hole for yourself. You already like her and you're well on your way to developing feelings so you need to show some restraint and self-control and put an end to it. She's not going to stop because she probably loves the attention you are giving her and she may not know how to handle it since you are her supervisor/boss/whatever.

[I_Give_Up67]

So is either of you married?

 

 

 

We are still waiting on an answer to the above^^^^ the second time it's been asked.

[BetrayedH]

This is your problem right here. Stop all of this. No texting after work hours, no chatting, no "getting to know" each other beyond what is necessary for your professional relationship. The more you push for a personal relationship, the deeper you are digging the hole for yourself. You already like her and you're well on your way to developing feelings so you need to show some restraint and self-control and put an end to it. She's not going to stop because she probably loves the attention you are giving her and she may not know how to handle it since you are her supervisor/boss/whatever.

 

Agreed. I would add to this a strong suggestion to get the book, Not Just Friends. Workplace affairs are common and they follow a very predictable and insidious pattern. My wife said that she never would have had her affair if she had read that book first (well, my exwife, that is).

[d0nnivain]

Has anyone else been down this road and if so what happened,?

 

 

I have never been down this road but I have had to deal with the fall out when supervisors stupidly ask out subordinates out. She now has you by the short hairs. Even if she legitimately screws up at work & you try to discipline her or you fail to give her whatever preferential treatment she demands, she is going to scream bloody murder that you are retaliating against her for refusing to sleep with you.

 

 

At this point all you can do is distance yourself. NEVER be alone with her in any context. Do not so much as have a conversation with her about the weather. Everything you say to her should be in writing which you keep a copy of.

 

 

You are screwed & not in a good way.

 

 

Going forward, never ask a subordinate out.

 

 

Mine may be an overreaction but abiding by my advice is your best chance not to get fired / written up / sued.

 

 

If your company is a big enough to have an ombudsman or HR department, march into their offices at 8:30 a.m. & confess what you did. Follow their advice to the letter. If you come to them before she does, you have a prayer of not losing your job.

[Mal78]

So you don't give two s**ts about *her*, right? You care, perhaps about getting your ego stoked and with the hope it may go further eventually getting your d**k wet.

 

I gather from your not so descriptive post that she is married/attached. She has turned down your proposal not once, however twice yet you still grooming her hoping she will crack. So, again I ask, you don't give two s**ts about *her*, right? *Her* as a person, wife and perhaps Mother. You are hoping by her "touching your hand" or not seeming awkward about your proposal that there is a chance, this is a game and *she* is the prize.

 

Stop it, if not for that *human being* you are pursuing at least for the risk to *your* job.

[autumnnight]

Here is my take:

 

You have yet to answer direct questions as to whether you or she are married. I will hazard a guess that YOU are the one who is married.

 

That fact alone should have answered all of your questions about this.

 

You came here asking about it, pondering whether her touches mean she is interested, and you hedge marriage questions. This tells me that you have already put a lot of thought into this and are already pretty far down the justification path.

 

You need to stop. What you are thinking of doing is not only immoral, deceptive, and a betrayal, it is professionally very dangerous. No matter how attached you feel, put down the phone, stop with the texts, do not chit chat.

 

In other words, Danger Will Robinson.

[minimariah]

I would love to know why she turned me down but appreciate this could make her feel uncomfortable.

 

if you're married - that's probably why.

if you're both single - she isn't interested enough to mess with her work but she's fine with you being her cuddle b*tch or a work husband. and maybe she just really enjoys flirting.

 

and maybe she likes to play hard to get. ask her and you'll get your answer.

[autumnnight]

if you're married - that's probably why.

if you're both single - she isn't interested enough to mess with her work but she's fine with you being her cuddle b*tch or a work husband. and maybe she just really enjoys flirting.

 

and maybe she likes to play hard to get. ask her and you'll get your answer.

 

If you are married....do NOT ask her

[SSM3]

For those who have asked I am not married but in a relationship. I am not looking for advice on my own relationship but I want to know how to deal with this and hear from people who have been down this road before.

 

Maybe she said no because of my relationship, maybe because of her job, maybe she plays hard to get, maybe she's a flirt, maybe she just isn't in to me or maybe it's all of them.

 

People meet people they are attracted at work all the time but for me this is a new experience, especially as I am the business owner.

 

The girl has arrived in my life and the doubts I had about my relationship previously have amplified.

[badpenny]

Look up 'Platonic'. She is, you're not.

 

And many, many women find it extremely easy and comfortable to be in platonic relationships. They genuinely don't have a side-agenda, or ulterior motives.

 

(This is why a lot of women like to have homosexual friends - no threat, and great fashion advice!)

 

men, form where I'm looking at it, find it extremely difficult to develop, pursue or cultivate a platonic relationship with a woman without having some sexual undercurrent.

 

This isn't a criticism, by the way, It's what I have come to exprience myself, and have witnessed, it just seems to be the general, overwhelming trend.

 

Women can be just friends (with the proviso there was never any prior or previous intimate relationship. Being friends with an ex is different.).

 

Men can't.

 

I think you overstate her knowledge about your feelings.

And as you're her boss, she was absolutely right to refuse to go out with you on a date, regardless of whether she's aware you're in a relationship or not.

The general consensus of opinion on this board is that you don't 'poop' where you 'eat'.

 

She is absolutley spot on in refusing to mix business with pleasure.

And you should, if she knows you're dating, admire her morals, not complain that she's messing with your mind.

 

She's said 'No'. As far as she's concerned, that's an end to it, and you just go on being friends.

 

See, women honestly can do that, if they choose.

 

Men honestly can't.

So yes, in summary, this is your problem.

Be the big guy and suck it up.

 

Focus on how you're going to break up with your GF. Or repair/improve the relationship you have with her.... because if something like this can divert your attention from where it clearly SHOULD be - on your GF - something there, is amiss.

That's what you should be thinking about.

[SSM3]

So you don't give two s**ts about *her*, right? You care, perhaps about getting your ego stoked and with the hope it may go further eventually getting your d**k wet.

 

I gather from your not so descriptive post that she is married/attached. She has turned down your proposal not once, however twice yet you still grooming her hoping she will crack. So, again I ask, you don't give two s**ts about *her*, right? *Her* as a person, wife and perhaps Mother. You are hoping by her "touching your hand" or not seeming awkward about your proposal that there is a chance, this is a game and *she* is the prize.

 

Stop it, if not for that *human being* you are pursuing at least for the risk to *your* job.

Of course I care about her. I also respect her as an individual, employee and as a mother not to make her feel uncomfortable in anyway. We are professional people. She is totally comfortable with things. I do not look at her as a prize either.

 

She hasn't rejected me twice either so you have miss understood something there.

 

I am pining for her, I admit. I just don't know what to do. You all say stop and don't but it's not as easy especially when you are falling for someone. I know its wrong and dangerous and I don't want to risk my company, losing her as an employee and to hurt my partner. I have tried to distance myself but through our work its hard. Our texting is totally innocent, there is no flirting what so ever. I have never been down this road before.

 

I know I shouldn't have asked her once, I know it was wrong.

 

The fact of the matter is she has made me ask questions about my relationship and I feel that I want to be with girl over my current partner. I am asking myself if I love my partner or not and if I want to spend my life with her.

 

As I write this myself and my partner are planning to go away for the weekend but all can think about is the girl and how happy I would be if we were going instead.

 

Thanks for the info on the book.

[SSM3]

I also admit that I am in love with this girl and deep down I know it's not reciprocal, but none of us really knows what she thinks.

 

We have not been acting unprofessionally so I am not worried about being sued but I do know that if I do something again to show my feelings then I could be in trouble.

 

I know I shouldn't be having these feelings because of my partner but I can't help them, I really wish I could.

 

I have come on here to speak with people who have been/are in my shoes.

[BetrayedH]

The girl has arrived in my life and the doubts I had about my relationship previously have amplified.

 

What an odd coincidence, huh?

[SSM3]

What an odd coincidence, huh?

 

You don't know me or my situation!

[d0nnivain]

I also admit that I am in love with this girl

 

 

I am not worried about being sued .

 

 

At best you are naïve.

 

 

You cannot be in love with someone you aren't Dating. It's a crush or lust. Even if you consider your interactions with her at work friendship, you actually don't know her well enough to be in love with her. To claim that you are indicates that you are a dreamer instead of a realist.

 

 

The fact that you are not worried about being sued is troubling. Again, it's an indication that you don't live in the real world. That should be one of your primary concerns.

 

 

Somebody on here suggested you find another woman outside of work to shower with your affections as a way of diminishing what you claim to feel for this subordinate. Your response was that you don't want to. Part of being adult is doing things that we don't want to do. Try it. Your life will be less complicated & you will probably end up happier.