struggling, missing her so much

[xinaxxsdertf]

Charlie you absolutey nailed that one on the head. everything u said was what i was thinking. Shes texting me now to coe over but im just ignoring them.

[Charlie101]

Good mate, make sure she knows you ain't messing about there your feelings take back control let her know she knows where you are if she wants to sort it if not walk away and don't look back cause she ain't worth it.

[CripplingMe]

what do you mean by the grass isnt greener? I know the saying but from what side are you meaning? it isnt greener being single? or taking him back?

 

i'll be honest, i havent broken free from my ex. Like you I would probably give in and take her back. i miss her every day, the only difference is that at the moment the grief isnt completely unbearable. I have to force myself to not hear anything about her or check her facebook or anything because the second i get a sniff of her moving on will break me all over again. I think maybe subconsciously I am waiting for her to ask me to come see her but i am just working on myself in the mean time. I also feel like the problems would still be there even if we got back together but the good times and the memories are just too strong that I cant let her go.

 

And the trusting a burglar to not burgle again, that is completely spot on. My ex did break up with me last year and after a month, i took her back. except i didnt really do a proper no contact, we were pretty much in contact the whole break up. This trust had come back to haunt me though and I ended up corrupting the relationship because she broke my heart and I couldnt let it go. I think where i went wrong is i tried to carry on the old relationship before she dumped me but I shouldve started fresh and let everything go from the past and make it a new relationship I wasnt ready back then when she asked for me back. I feel ive matured a bit more this time though. Sometimes you need to really lose someone to open your eyes and realize the problems that were going on.

 

We were blinded by our love and it let our problems get the best of us. But all in all, she has still lost my trust because once again when the going got tough, she up and left me.

 

May i ask how you got your ex back ? did you do NC and who intitiated contact and made the first move etc?

 

Hey Sorry for the delay in getting back to you.

 

The grass isn't always greener for the dumpee. You're right in saying that te problems would still be there, and well for me, they were and weren't.

 

With my boyfriend (rather than ex now we are back together), he ended up suffering from depression due to a quarter life crisis. He basically said he can't be in a relationship whilst he's trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life. That ol' chestnut. I didn't contact him whatsoever after we properly broke up and after two weeks he turned up at my door begging me back. I went though hell during them two weeks so didn't jump straight to 'yes ok I will take you back'.

 

Now I'm in the position of feeling regret and part anger because whilst he's more affectionate and wants us to get a place together, I'm having doubts. Why? There were aspects of his personality I never respected or appreciated before we split up and they didn't change after we got back together. He's someone who is a risk taker and likes pushing limits. Usually in social settings (after drinking way too much) and concerning sex (he is very very liberal). He was drinking heavily before we split, like, 18 units a day, maybe more. The problem is it hasn't really stopped. He's not an angry drunk but pushes boundaries and becomes quite controlling. I get anxious most nights.

 

Digressing, so, anyone who gets back with their ex has to think about whether the dumper and the reason they gave for dumping you, and whether you think as a dumpee that will significantly change if you got back together. Trust is a massive one, and as a dumpee, you'll never completely trust again.

 

I initially did contact after the break (few days), then when I made a stupid irrational mistake of going to see him because I wanted to be near him, I wen solid NC because he turned me away. During the two weeks we split up, he made contact twice and I responded politely with a closed-ended text (only 1). That's when he turned up at my door (after driving 200 miles) and wanted me back.

 

You quoted 'when the going got tough, she got up and left me'. Completely agree with you on this comment. Mine has done it twice now (first time wasn't as painful as the recent dump because we maintained regular contact and we met up a couple of times in 6 weeks). I feel my partner has irreparably damaged the relationship because of his lack of commitment and emotional resilience. I'm like a proverbial china doll - very delicate, and fractured. I was pretty much mended (albeit faint scaring/fractures to my heart), and when he did it again, well, it's not nice when the same wounds are damaged again.

 

I do love him yes, and see how I have moments of butterflies in my stomach when I am with him, but then he just cr@ps over them moments with his drinking and sexual pressures (wants me to swing and have always said no as it's not in my moral/physical fabric). Anyhow, I'm a little bit tougher now and the fear of choosing to leave is not as drastically painful as it were two months ago. He said to me he wanted to be a better boyfriend - well actions speak louder than words and he's not doing a brilliant job of showing me he's scared of losing me, because he won't modify the behaviour which is causing me upset.

[xinaxxsdertf]

yeah well my ex ended up coming over yesterday. crying in my arms telling me how much she missed me. i have all these confused feelings now and im not sure what im thinking. she has all these new photos and things with other boys now on her phone and was telling me stories but i just couldnt listen to her because the jealousy is still there.

 

it was good to have her in my arms again but i felt a little uncomfortable. shes different now. not the same innocent girl i knew. i felt like something was wrong with her, lost her innocence maybe im not sure. i hate watching her cry, and all i wanted was tio spend the rest of the day with her but i was so upset over that text i got from her friend.

 

she texted later saying shes misses me, misses our times together, misses saying good morning and goodnight and misses telling me she loves me. then she said she loves me so much. i told her i was upset that her mate told me to f off from her phone and she said she told them off and they thought it was funny. then she said shes sorry for hurting me and will leave me alone. I dont know what to do here. Do i text her today or what? with her course and everything shes doing i feel like theres no room for me now. and now that she has all these new guy friends i just feel like im going to be hurt. But even with all these guys, im the one she came crying to. i just wonder that she had 2 weeks and didnt contact me till now? was she looking for someone better but couldnt find it so she came running back to me now? i feel like a last resort.

 

im just hurting myself with all these mixed emotions now. anyone have any advice?

[Charlie101]

I'm sorry to hear that bro....

 

The thing is she still didn't say she wants to get back together or anything or even sort it out, she just said she misses you and all that crap, to me it just seems like she was just trying to look after her own emotions she missed you and was feeling sad so she came to you got her fix then left...and now she got that she was like yeah I'll leave you alone now, she's just focusing on her own feelings.

 

I know it's hard man, but if you feel all that you do now, if you really have a serious think and answer honestly do you reckon you could go back to being a happy couple the relationship you deserve or is this always going to niggle at you if it is as hard as it might be you need to let go, or at least have time to yourself till your indifferent then you'll know what's best for you....if you want her back I'd personally message her saying...it's not okay for your mates to do that to me if you love me like you say, and it's not okay for you to just come round because you miss me and are upset but then just leave and decide you'll leave me alone now messing around with my feelings, you either want to sort it out and mean It or leave me alone to get on with my life.

 

....but honestly mate as much as you may miss her and love her from reading your last message I don't think you'd be happy if you'd get back with her, I think you'd always be wondering what could of happened in these 2 weeks wi the other lads ect which in time will cause problems for you both, and you don't deserve that bro, I'm in exactly the same boat man, just got to let go at least for now anyway possibly you'll sort it out later down the line when you've both grown as people but for now I think you need to let it go grieve and move on with your life as hard as that is.

[xinaxxsdertf]

If i answer that honestly, yeah i miss her. Yeah i love her. But to be completely honest, i dont think i can get over this. I dont know what to do. I love her so much so how do you let go of someone you cant stand to see with someone else.

[Charlie101]

There's your answer then pal...you have to let her go for your own sake....it's not easy mate God I know I still miss her and love her and hate everyday the thought of her with anyone else but it's gunna happen cause she ain't with me, just like she ain't with you and will meet someone else, but at the same time in time you won't even care because you'll meet someone new that's even more suited to you and you'll be like this is what it's all about.

 

If you can't let it go mate what she's done let her go sooner rather than later if anything now, block her number everything you'll feel much better for it, it'll be hard but will get easier give yourself a pep talk like I did mate or I will haha...

 

Man the **** up have a prod down your pants and grab hold of what you were given at birth check there still there and crack on with your life....suck the pain and heart ache up then get on with it... There's billions of women in this world and there will be a perfect one for you when you get back to being you.

 

You got this.

[xinaxxsdertf]

Its so hard mate because i love her and i know im going to regret it because she has the potential to be the one for me. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with her.

 

But i just know theres too many issues and as soon as we start arguing about them she will leave me again. She has left me twice so whats to stop her from doing it again.

 

I know when you love someone you should be trying as hard as you can and be willing to do anything for them so how do i go about it in my situation? I dont want to look back and be disappointed that i never tried

[Charlie101]

You have tried pal....this isn't the first time it's happened and you've taken her back you've told her how you feel she knows how you feel and she has still walked away that's her choice mate you can't force her you've done all you can, if she was the one she would work with you not against you mate just remember that. I feel the exact same but I now know that I have tried all I can ive done everything the rest is up to her she knows how I feel but I can't make her come back it has to be her choice so I've walked away and I'm not looking back, you need to do the same pal I promise it gets easier and I few months down the line I guarentee you won't regret it.

[xinaxxsdertf]

Ive been thinking about it all morning since ive been up. and yeah i cant keep going on like this. She knows how i feel, shes obviously hurting over missing me (which makes me feel a bit better). I think i know deep down that I cant handle being with her anymore but i also dont want her with anyone else. I know i deserve better than her. She didnt treat me bad and was always loyal but her feelings/emotions always come first. When she struggles, she reaches out to me. But when everything is okay, its like i dont exist.

 

I deserve someone who will always be there for me and im starting to believe theres someone better out there. She is selfish and always has been but its only because i always had her on a pedastal and let her feel like a queen all the time. why cant i feel like a king for once.

 

I think its time to go back into NC again. i texted her this morning saying i miss her and still love her (moment of weakness) and she replied saying she misses me too. i think i finally understand what people mean when they say you can love someone but a relationship cant only work on love. It takes alot more, this whole time i have been relying on our love to keep us together. She is just too much for me to handle now..

[Charlie101]

Exactly mate you do deserve better and you will find someone better man.

 

Back to day one nc bro and do not break it this time she just wants to fix her feelings of missing you she doesn't care about your feelings so remember this next time she contacts you and it's just bull **** man.

[xinaxxsdertf]

Right on brother! Im determined to do it this time. Im glad i spent time with her yesterday because it opened my eyes and showed me that the person i fell in love with is no longer that same girl. She has changed and as badly as i miss her, the innocence i fell in love with is gone.

 

Day one of NC. Today is a good day. Nearly finished work then im off to the gym. This is also day one of my bulking diet lol

[Charlie101]

Haha good effort...keep that up, set goals have targets and smash them, have something to focus on like your bulking diet to keep you from swaying off the path....you'll be better off without her dude

[xinaxxsdertf]

I have little moments like now when i convince myself i dont need her and everything is good but then i alao have moments where the struggle kicks back in. I start to wonder what shes doing. I end up missing her and i regret everythibg. Im sure you go through the exact same. It makes life so tough sometimes so this is where i really need to step up and work on myself so that struggle doesnt get the best of me.

 

I find the gym is definitely my best friend in moments like this, if i go the whole week gyming hard then my confidence sky rockets and i just feel amazing. I know what to do now.. hows your life going mate? Hows the gym for ya too

[Charlie101]

Yeah mate I know the feeling, but slowly and surely those moments will get less and less until they are no more. Just gotta push through them now to get to through it.

 

Yeah good man, feeling a lot better after this weekend things are looking up, gyms going awesome I've put on 6 kg in the past 5 weeks well happy with that.

[xinaxxsdertf]

nice sooo you are in the same boat as me! trying to pack on the beef

i dropped down 6kgs over the past few weeks and weighed myself at the gym yesterday and ive put 2kgs back on which made me so happy just got these 4 kgs to catch up on now.

 

Its hard to diet or keep to your routine when all you think about is your ex. thats why i drastically lost weight in the last few weeks because i was depressed and had no appetite all the time.

 

my ex texted me last night saying she loves and misses me, then she texted an hour later because i didnt reply and she said she knows ive read her text because she saw my car at home when she went past. and she said the only reason shes texting me is because she loves me... I'm just not replying to anything but its pretty tough sometimes

[Charlie101]

Yeh man I was the same had a really hard time and lost like 7 kilos but put it all back on now and more starting to feel great again.

 

Why did she drive past your house? I don't understand her man it's just mind games texting you that but not doing anything about it it's just ridiculous and really horrible playing with your emotions. I'm abit jealous of you though I've not hard a word from mine since the breakup lol heartless bitch

[xinaxxsdertf]

she drives past my house nearly everyday on her way to her course so im guessing she always looks in to see if my cars home or not. its strange how she can tell me she misses me and loves me and then will go like 5 days without texting me at all. then all of a sudden texts me again? I really don't get it aye.

 

yeah your ex is heartless man I don't know how she does it. Although my ex is quite weak when it comes to emotions so I think she just caves everytime and contacts me

[Charlie101]

Ahhright...just mind games that mate trying to get you to message back when you don't she leaves it a few days and tries again.

 

Yeah mine was always very head strong when she makes a decision she sticks to it there's no going back, but saying that with something like a break up you expect maybe just one lol

[xinaxxsdertf]

yeah she texted me yesterday morning and twice at night. now today, nothing lol. if she misses me as much as she says then how come some days i hear nothing? I'm only important when shes at home alone and theres no one else there for her. I only matter if she has no one else. F*** that.

 

Im not sure how you guys ended but i wouldve thought she wouldve atleast reached out at some point. Maybe you just need to let her go completely mate. sounds like you are doing better than me anyway

[Charlie101]

Yeah **** that mate

 

Yeah I'm feeling really good at the minute pal like, I miss her but I'm happy I feel as if I'm almost there...we didn't end badly and we spoke abit after, then I did the begging pleading and it didn't go great lol obviously then, she said she was blocking me off facebook and that which pissed me off so I turned up there and we had an argument I was abit of a knob, I apologised after did abit more begging, sounds tragic writing this out haha, then nc for a couple weeks, then I messaged her again, apologising for the way I acted after the break up it was only cause of the way I felt about her, and still do didn't want it to end blah blah if she wants to sort it she knows where I am, she replied saying she didn't want to (bitch) haha she couldnt deal with me at my worst and didn't want to, ridiculous cause we'd broken up I was gunna be emotional but hey, she thanked me for the apology and she's sorry, and I said okay take care, and that was it, then a month in the message saying she watched a film and thought of me and the dog and hoped I'm okay, and nothing since another month on, so wernt a bad ending yeah I did a,l the wrong things but hey, at least I tried which is more than I ca say for her there was no fight what so ever, but I'm feeling a lot better this past couple days.

[xinaxxsdertf]

yeah dont worry about that mate, we've all been through that emotional stage. I did all the begging and pleading. I even cried like a little girl sometimes and yet i never ever cry?

But she knows where you are so if it was meant to be then she wouldve reached out to you by now. We need to both move on and better ourselves. If you think about it, now you get to be alot more judgemental on your next girlfriend and make sure you go for a hot one! haha im excited to see how well i can get for my next gf

[Charlie101]

Yeah 100 percent mate I'm not gunna be settling for anything less than perfection in my eyes....and im gunna take my time none of this settling for broken promise crap I'll never leave you or give up bull**** don't need any of that....wanna find someone genuine.

[xinaxxsdertf]

exactly bro. looking for the best now. someone you deserve

[Charlie101]

Women make it so bludy hard though, best peice of advise I ever got was from my dad when I was like 12 and he said...you'll never understand women so don't try haha...how spot on was he.