Fiance left gave back ring

[Flabreakup]

Wow. Was that the guy you had all the problems with and mentioned earlier in my thread? Even after all the bad stuff what did that feel like if you don't mind me asking. And do you see him often?

 

I've had a very interesting few days. I think I made a bunch of mistakes with the ex that have some of those bad feelings coming back. First, it was suppose to be my weekend with the baby but we decided against the daycare after two weeks of trying. Not so much because the baby doesn't like it but twice last week we both went to pick her up and there were young boys running around with no clothes on and no adult in sight. Neither of us are comfortable with this and since I work from home we're going to do I keep the baby on the three days she works and the ex can have her the other four. As close to half as we can get. We do have to figure out money now that I wont pay for day care but will have her half the time not sure what to do there.

 

Then on Saturday she asks if I want to go shopping for some baby clothes. I know I should have said no but since it was suppose to be my day anyway I said yes. So we went shopping for her then went to lunch then ended up going to a carnival that she was planning on taking the baby. She asked if I wanted to go with them and again I agreed. I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have but being with the two of them just feels so natural. Now I do know she has no current I tentions of working things out so I'm pretty sure I'm making these mistakes now and it's just going to continue to be a problem I know. Just in the moment it's hard to say no I don't want to spend time with you and my daughter at a carnival. So we went had fun the went and got a late dinner and I went home. Keep in mind there was not much us talk or anything. Probably just her being lonely still and my dumbass is giving her the friend she needs instead of keeping my distance. I know I'm in for more heartache as of course I do still want her back but it's not like the first few weeks. Don't know if that means anything or not but I doubt it's a good idea if I still have feelings for her.

 

She works her three twelve hour shifts Sunday Monday and Tuesday this week so I went and picked the baby up at 6am Sunday and had her all day yesterday. I ended up taking her roller skating. It was the exs best friends daughters birthday party at the rink and I was friends with all of them too but kinda strange because I was there with the baby while the ex was at work. She came with me on a few service calls after skating but slept the whole time. By around dinner time she started to get a fever. The ex was about to run out of gas on her way home from work and asked me to meet her at a gas station because she left her wallet at home and didn't think she could make it. So of course I met her at the gas station and filled her car up. She did send the money right back to my account latter that night. Thinking about it she calls and of course I come to the rescue. So I met the ex to give the baby back and she was burning up at the gas station.back to the fever, The ex called me around ten and asked what she should do I said give her some meds and see if it comes down if not we were going to take her to the doc that night. It was really a super high fever. So me being an idiot asked what they needed and if she needed me to come over In case they had to go to the doc. She said yes so I ended up bringing a sleeping bag and sleeping on the floor at her new place. The baby was getting sick all night and we were both up a lot but the ex had work the next morning and since its her second week I let her sleep while trying to take care of the baby. The ex said I could stay a while when she went to work so the baby could sleep but I said no and left with the baby when she left for work. Guess I wanted to keep a little boundary up there. I just didn't want to be there when she wasn't. I thought that was the boundary not staying the night at her house. Silly I know. Keep in mind no relationship talk or stuff like that just taking care of the baby but of course it's hard when you still have a lot of love so I made a point to sleep on the floor.

 

So that brings us to today and the baby got better through out the day and seemed ok when the ex got here to pick her up. The baby was eating when she got here tonight so she ended up staying for an hour and a half talking about her day then left. Just had normal conversation and such. I'll be picking up the baby up at 6am tomorrow and have her all day. The ex doesn't have to work again til next Tuesday. Nurses really do have awesome hours. I did tell her I need to see the baby between Wednesday and next Tuesday. Not fair I wouldn't get to see her for almost 6 days.

 

So yea I know lots of mistakes this weekend but was pretty busy with the baby and the business so good there. Think my hopeful thinking and such is going to bite me sooner than later.

 

Forgot to mention her dad had some work for me that I did for him at the farm Saturday morning. First time I've seen him since the breakup. He was very nice and said he was proud of my not drinking this long as he went through it around my age now is a very wealthy guy. Part of which he credits to giving up the drugs and drinking. I had to change a few of his farm tractor tires so we talked for a few hours. Not much talk about the ex his daughter but he did say he wished things worked out and how a family should try to stay together. I told him the truth that I took her for granted and never did the things she liked to do and so on. He said be patient with her as she's always been. Super stubborn and things will be workout or they won't but that I'll always be family for our daughter. He took some of my business cards and said he would pass them out to some of the people that supply him material for his construction business as they all have fleets of trucks for deliveries. I said thanks and we parted ways with a handshake.

 

Now after all this I do know my ex packed up and moved out so my hope for the time being is silly but still hard to shake but I am realistic and the real pain of heartache is pretty much gone. I do know if I stay to close and she finds someone else sooner than later I'll be going through the pain all over again but just can't get a good combination of being friendly for the babies sake but not friends. I realize I'm just making it easier on her by picking up the baby at 6 am and not having her drop off but she does pick her up so I would have to do one or the other but if gives her an extra hour of sleep and I really don't mind getting up early. Still making her life easier not mine.

 

After all this contact the last few days after tomorrow I won't see either for five or six days probably so not sure how I'm going to feel about that but I'm hoping indifferent. On top of that Ive been feeling pretty under the weather the last few days but that can't last forever.

 

Anyway, that was my weekend. What do you think? Lots of mistakes, being too nice or just doing what I should do.

 

Thanks Brian

[NopeNah]

Wow. Was that the guy you had all the problems with and mentioned earlier in my thread? Even after all the bad stuff what did that feel like if you don't mind me asking. And do you see him often?

 

I've had a very interesting few days. I think I made a bunch of mistakes with the ex that have some of those bad feelings coming back. First, it was suppose to be my weekend with the baby but we decided against the daycare after two weeks of trying. Not so much because the baby doesn't like it but twice last week we both went to pick her up and there were young boys running around with no clothes on and no adult in sight. Neither of us are comfortable with this and since I work from home we're going to do I keep the baby on the three days she works and the ex can have her the other four. As close to half as we can get. We do have to figure out money now that I wont pay for day care but will have her half the time not sure what to do there.

 

Then on Saturday she asks if I want to go shopping for some baby clothes. I know I should have said no but since it was suppose to be my day anyway I said yes. So we went shopping for her then went to lunch then ended up going to a carnival that she was planning on taking the baby. She asked if I wanted to go with them and again I agreed. I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have but being with the two of them just feels so natural. Now I do know she has no current I tentions of working things out so I'm pretty sure I'm making these mistakes now and it's just going to continue to be a problem I know. Just in the moment it's hard to say no I don't want to spend time with you and my daughter at a carnival. So we went had fun the went and got a late dinner and I went home. Keep in mind there was not much us talk or anything. Probably just her being lonely still and my dumbass is giving her the friend she needs instead of keeping my distance. I know I'm in for more heartache as of course I do still want her back but it's not like the first few weeks. Don't know if that means anything or not but I doubt it's a good idea if I still have feelings for her.

 

She works her three twelve hour shifts Sunday Monday and Tuesday this week so I went and picked the baby up at 6am Sunday and had her all day yesterday. I ended up taking her roller skating. It was the exs best friends daughters birthday party at the rink and I was friends with all of them too but kinda strange because I was there with the baby while the ex was at work. She came with me on a few service calls after skating but slept the whole time. By around dinner time she started to get a fever. The ex was about to run out of gas on her way home from work and asked me to meet her at a gas station because she left her wallet at home and didn't think she could make it. So of course I met her at the gas station and filled her car up. She did send the money right back to my account latter that night. Thinking about it she calls and of course I come to the rescue. So I met the ex to give the baby back and she was burning up at the gas station.back to the fever, The ex called me around ten and asked what she should do I said give her some meds and see if it comes down if not we were going to take her to the doc that night. It was really a super high fever. So me being an idiot asked what they needed and if she needed me to come over In case they had to go to the doc. She said yes so I ended up bringing a sleeping bag and sleeping on the floor at her new place. The baby was getting sick all night and we were both up a lot but the ex had work the next morning and since its her second week I let her sleep while trying to take care of the baby. The ex said I could stay a while when she went to work so the baby could sleep but I said no and left with the baby when she left for work. Guess I wanted to keep a little boundary up there. I just didn't want to be there when she wasn't. I thought that was the boundary not staying the night at her house. Silly I know. Keep in mind no relationship talk or stuff like that just taking care of the baby but of course it's hard when you still have a lot of love so I made a point to sleep on the floor.

 

So that brings us to today and the baby got better through out the day and seemed ok when the ex got here to pick her up. The baby was eating when she got here tonight so she ended up staying for an hour and a half talking about her day then left. Just had normal conversation and such. I'll be picking up the baby up at 6am tomorrow and have her all day. The ex doesn't have to work again til next Tuesday. Nurses really do have awesome hours. I did tell her I need to see the baby between Wednesday and next Tuesday. Not fair I wouldn't get to see her for almost 6 days.

 

So yea I know lots of mistakes this weekend but was pretty busy with the baby and the business so good there. Think my hopeful thinking and such is going to bite me sooner than later.

 

Forgot to mention her dad had some work for me that I did for him at the farm Saturday morning. First time I've seen him since the breakup. He was very nice and said he was proud of my not drinking this long as he went through it around my age now is a very wealthy guy. Part of which he credits to giving up the drugs and drinking. I had to change a few of his farm tractor tires so we talked for a few hours. Not much talk about the ex his daughter but he did say he wished things worked out and how a family should try to stay together. I told him the truth that I took her for granted and never did the things she liked to do and so on. He said be patient with her as she's always been. Super stubborn and things will be workout or they won't but that I'll always be family for our daughter. He took some of my business cards and said he would pass them out to some of the people that supply him material for his construction business as they all have fleets of trucks for deliveries. I said thanks and we parted ways with a handshake.

 

Now after all this I do know my ex packed up and moved out so my hope for the time being is silly but still hard to shake but I am realistic and the real pain of heartache is pretty much gone. I do know if I stay to close and she finds someone else sooner than later I'll be going through the pain all over again but just can't get a good combination of being friendly for the babies sake but not friends. I realize I'm just making it easier on her by picking up the baby at 6 am and not having her drop off but she does pick her up so I would have to do one or the other but if gives her an extra hour of sleep and I really don't mind getting up early. Still making her life easier not mine.

 

After all this contact the last few days after tomorrow I won't see either for five or six days probably so not sure how I'm going to feel about that but I'm hoping indifferent. On top of that Ive been feeling pretty under the weather the last few days but that can't last forever.

 

Anyway, that was my weekend. What do you think? Lots of mistakes, being too nice or just doing what I should do.

 

Thanks Brian

 

I didn't get past the "baby clothes part" ....do that with you and your child,on your own. Do not let her sneak in and out of your life,man. You're either in or out! Simple! You need to set your rules and stick to them. Do not let her dictate anything about your life..get on with it...for you!

 

 

Edit..stop working for her family! Not your problem! I know $$ is $$,but at what cost to yourself?

[Toodaloo]

Work is work and while its great that you are obviously still held in very high regard by her family, but you have to let go. I know its tough but you have to keep that friendship more professional and at arms length for your own sake. Talk about work etc to them but don't bring up your private life. Its only going to get back to her.

 

Also if baby is sick if she is well. Your time with her is your time with her. Your Ex has no part in that. All this doing stuff together on "your" time is only taking your time away from you. Don't let her do it. Stay strong Brian. I know its hard.

 

Yes it is the same guy - not my ex, but the separated chap I had a brief thing with last summer. I have managed to get completely messed up over it all again. Really need to put my own boundaries up and keep them there. His daughter treats me as a "second Mum" and we are pretty close. We do a load of charity work over the summer together - its how I met them both. So in a couple of weeks time I will see him every week. I think for my own sake I am just going to have to keep my distance from him and just turn up on time and leave as soon as possible after. He has a way of touching me that just makes me melt into him. I can't describe it as its a very gentle but strong and sure way. It doesn't matter if its my arm, face, back... when he touches me like that I just melt. I guess the answer is to not let him touch me!!!

 

I haven't slept properly since nor been in a terribly good mood despite my bosses trying to cheer me up and make me laugh.

 

The only way is to just keep marching! I have no idea if its in the right direction or not but at least I am moving somewhere and it seems to work so I am going to keep advising you to do the same!

 

You will make mistakes, you will take steps back instead of forward but that is all part of being human. Just recognize them and move on.

 

Glad to hear little one is feeling better. Poor little mite.

[ZiggyZoo]

I'm with the other two (and you, yourself)...don't allow her to take over your parenting time. You need to establish those boundaries and keep them. And I rolled my eyes at her calling you because the baby was sick and asking your advice. No offense to you at all, but she's a NURSE. She knew exactly how to treat her. You're using your daughter as an excuse to break your own boundaries with your ex. Time to get tough. She wanted to be single. That means being up all night with a sick child, not having the luxury of your ex coming over to help. That means honoring your weekends, and not taking them over so she's not lonely. And not letting her get to pretend you're one big happy family like she is. Stop bailing her out when her gas is low. That's what dads are for. Or moms, or other friends. You are not her go-to person anymore. I think its great that you're starting to get over her. But I think you're not as over it all as you're pretending, and you're going to hurt yourself more every time you fool yourself that you're making "progress" with her. You are being used here.

[Flabreakup]

I agree with all of you 100% but sometimes it's just not in me to act that way towards her. I know it should be and I'm working on it as best I can. I'm sure I'm setting myself up for continued pain because I don't see any kind of reconciling action from her most of the time. There are those times that she looks at me in a certain way or says something that brings hope for the future but definitely not anytime soon. Her actions of moving out getting her own place and talking to other fellas pretty quickly speak for themselves I know. Although see swears she not now but at the same time says she's not planning on anything but not going to hold back if something did open up in so many words. And I said the same. Not planning but I'm not living in a hole either I just don't have the interest now.

 

On my part I have tried talking to other ladies and even with their interest I can't show it back the same. It's actually happened several times since the break up. Two called just this past weekend to do something and I made an excuse to sit home instead. It just doesn't feel right to me. Maybe when she actually does see someone else it will help me move on more but right now I am trying it's just very difficult seeing her almost everyday for the baby or at the least every other day. I have to see the baby and when we do talk things seem pretty normal just not in a way that she is interested in more than just friends at this time. I've told her and our mutual friends have told her that the hanging out and talking so much isn't right for me if thats all she wants and they still tell me she doesn't really know at the moment just that she needs her time to figure things out or something along those lines. I'm still the first person she calls as shes leaving work and tells me about her day for half an hour and what not. I know I'm not helping myself but just saying see you when you get here but maybe just don't have the courage to let go completely of the whole family dream.

 

I think I'm past the point of the physical pain and all day thoughts but I do still have them very often all day long. Just not every minute. I also do know that whether or not we work it out I'll be ok life will go on but yes I do still hopemits with her at some point. At least that how I feel today. Sometimes it changes by the day or your it seems. Might not see or talk to her for about five days starting tomorrow so I guess I'll see what I'm feeling and how that goes. Maybe just the fact my business is having its best month so far has also helped get my mind off things but it could slow down tomorrow and I'll probably be thinking what she's doing or where she's going and with who or who my daughter will be around and all kinds of stuff. I'm nowhere near over her but am trying in some ways. Just need to take your advise more literally and institute it. Just seems hard when she's calling or inviting me to do things. It gives me a little spark and joy to my day but as you all mention and sure when see meets someone that it will hurt all over again but In the back of my mind is what if she doesn't and I've been pushing her away the whole time. I know I shouldn't be too hard on myself but cant bs you and tell you most of our issues where caused by me. Not all but most. Just last summer she was making all wedding plans and I basically said tell me when to be there in so many words. I just wasn't a good partner and feel like being the best I can do now might help someway. At the same time I know once the love is gone it's hard to comeback and takes a long time if at all so I need to let go and just let be what will be. Much harder said than done when seeing each other so often and she does still help me out with some things and I do the same. I'vew got to realize it's not helping me get over and on with my life or bring her back in by being so friendly but it's very hard to say no I can't help you when your stuck or no I won't come help care for the baby or no you will work around my schedule. Also on top of all this is that fact in this state if she went to court, which has never been brought up by either of use, that I would get half the time I get now with the baby so being nice is to my benefit as much as my detriment. I get it totally just have to control it better.

 

She mentioned today taking the baby to do some Easter egg hunt thing next weekend or something like that together. She did say the baby is mine for the holiday weekend but I told her I'd rather have my daughter get all nice and dressed up and have dinner and such with her and her family. Otherwise it would just be the two of us sitting at my house like every other day. I think the baby deserves to Have nice holidays and I'll just take her to breakfast or something but the day will be made up for. Just part of the problem of living no where near any of my own family and not really having a bunch of local friends.

 

So in short I'm definitely not near as far along as if hope to be at close to seven weeks but an much farther than the first month I my eyes. So a few steps forward and a few back are what I'm in for I guess.

 

As usual thanks for your advice and support.

 

On a side note Im usually writing on my phone so don't mind the little mistakes here and there. Big thumbs and little buttons don't mix well

 

Have a great day

[NopeNah]

Haven't read the entire thread but, if it hasn't been suggested already, read the book "No more Mr. Nice guy". If it has already been suggested,then...read the book "No more Mr. Nice guy"!

[NopeNah]

Side note: You cleaning out/up your work truck inspired me to get my main work truck fully detailed today. It seems to drive better when it's clean. I'll have my guy's take their trucks tomorrow and pay to get it done for them.

[Flabreakup]

Actually as I was finishing that last post I had a service call here at 1am. Just got back and saw you side note. At least I'm impairing someone these days! Nothing like a clean vehicle but I've always been a nest freak kind of guy. Grandparents didn't have much but what they did they taught us to take care of.

 

I'll look into that book to. Have lots of time when the baby's not around and no service calls.

 

Thanks

[Toodaloo]

Don't beat yourself up. I also think its a mistake to hand your daughter over to her and her family on the weekend thats yours just because you don't have family near you.

 

You are capable of hiding little eggs around the house and garden. You are capable of setting the table and cooking a nice meal and getting dressed up with her. You are capable of taking her to the park and using up that ticket to Disney land! Its your time! You are worthy and you offer your daughter her father.

 

I can tell you one of the best presents I have ever had was my 21st. It rained so my Dad came to my party. I was over the moon. He is a farmer and my being born in the middle of harvest wasn't helpful so he had never been around for any of my birthdays before... Think about that.

 

I know its tough and you clearly have a very gentle caring side. But don't let her abuse that. I really don't think you should take those calls when she finishes work. Its not doing you any good.

 

If its any consolation I am having to make the same kinds of choices at the moment. I hate it. All I want to do is fling my arms around him and hold him and love him. What I am going to do is avoid any physical contact, be polite and walk away. At least I have a chance of being remotely sane and also of being able to meet someone who I can fling my arms around and love and talk to and adore...

 

Don't worry, the interest in other women will come back eventually when you are ready. Don't try to push yourself. Just give yourself time.

 

Keep going - it does get better.

[Flabreakup]

Well I do want to have her Easter morning and then Maybe let the ex take her to her family's for dinner. I also get ther the next three days after that I think. Kind of split the day because what about the holidays that I'm not on the schedule. I would want her to do the same so I'll make sure that's very clear before we do anything.

 

I know I shouldn't take the calls but we do need to talk about the baby. She usually picks her up on her way home since I have the baby everyday she works. I know a text saying I'm on the way would work but it's just so hard to not want to talk when she does. I don't call her for anything other than the baby so when she reaches out to me just to talk I guess my hopes get the best of me. Still a work in progress I know.

 

So why is it you don't want to see what happens with this guy. Maybe I'm just forgetting the earlier part of the story but this wasn't the one that didn't care right.

 

Well, today it's rainy and gloomy. I've got no baby no calls yet and a real quiet house. This is the first day in about two weeks I feel like turning on the tv just have some noise around me. No gym for about six hours when I meet my roomie there so super bored with little motivation. I really miss having my daughter everyday at these moments. With her there is never this kind of quiet. I also really miss knowing someone was coming home eventually. It was like the start of a new day when she walked in the door from school. Guess I'm jist in a downer mood and going to go back to sleep. By this time I really wanted the commotion and life of a family guy so this back to twenties single stuff is bumming me out. One of those days. Well, I wish the best for everyone and enjoy your Wednesday

[Toodaloo]

So why is it you don't want to see what happens with this guy. Maybe I'm just forgetting the earlier part of the story but this wasn't the one that didn't care right.

 

This is the one who probably does care but is messed up. I haven't heard from my ex for nearly a year now and am unlikely to either.

 

Because it doesn't matter how I feel about him. He has made it clear he doesn't want me.

 

It really is that simple. So all this up and down I can't deal with.

 

I want to have a relationship with someone with all the ups and downs that brings together... not just be someones random booty call when they feel like a blow job.

 

Time I found someone who cares about me that I can love and cherish back... Not just me giving out all my care and attention constantly to the wrong people...

 

Sound familiar???

 

Chin up chook. Its a sucky day today but it will get better. Have you looked at any of those bikes yet?

[ZiggyZoo]

You have made some great progress, with your sobriety and with your ex, and I don't want to discredit that at all. But (you know there's a but) you are nothing but excuses for doing exactly what you know you shouldn't be doing. You can take or leave our advice, of course, but we've been where you are, and have learned the hard way how to get past this heartbreak. You need to accept that you and your ex are over, and show her that there are consequences to leaving you. Like not getting to share her day with you for half an hour after work. Or getting to decide what you are doing with your daughter on your time. Or having you at her beck and call when she runs out of gas or has to decide what to do with a sick kid. All of this is slowly, subtly sapping your self-esteem in ways that you won't even notice until its too late.

 

It is going to hurt so much when she starts seeing someone else and you feel like such a chump for letting her use you like she is. Hell, even if she doesn't start seeing someone else any time soon, how long until you realize that you ARE being used, and have been for quite some time? Because you can say that you know what she's doing, but I don't think you really do. Or it hasn't pissed you off yet. I think you're stuck in denial, still clinging to he hope that she'll decide you've done enough penance and can be allowed to be with her again. But I hate to tell you, it'll never happen while she's still got you wrapped around her finger like this. Why would she? She's got all the benefits of your company and help, without having to deal with your problems, wants, or needs. Plus the ego boost from getting all kinds of attention from new, different guys. Why would she want to change any of that? Stand up for yourself and put an end to it. You made mistakes in the relationship, but you aren't going to make them up like this. You aren't going to make them up at all, actually. If she was still interested, you'd have known by now.

 

I'm harsh, but I've been there. Trust me, assert your boundaries. I'm afraid we're going to read a post about you all going to Easter at her parents' and how nice it was, and how much you miss it...why would you do that to yourself? You need to exercise the same willpower you're using to stay sober and maintain a distance from her. I haven't mentioned it before, but I'm an alcoholic myself, four years and four months sober for me. I know what it takes to give up drinking, and I know that if you've made it this far without it, you're stubborn and determined enough to get over her too.

[NopeNah]

You have made some great progress, with your sobriety and with your ex, and I don't want to discredit that at all. But (you know there's a but) you are nothing but excuses for doing exactly what you know you shouldn't be doing. You can take or leave our advice, of course, but we've been where you are, and have learned the hard way how to get past this heartbreak. You need to accept that you and your ex are over, and show her that there are consequences to leaving you. Like not getting to share her day with you for half an hour after work. Or getting to decide what you are doing with your daughter on your time. Or having you at her beck and call when she runs out of gas or has to decide what to do with a sick kid. All of this is slowly, subtly sapping your self-esteem in ways that you won't even notice until its too late.

 

It is going to hurt so much when she starts seeing someone else and you feel like such a chump for letting her use you like she is. Hell, even if she doesn't start seeing someone else any time soon, how long until you realize that you ARE being used, and have been for quite some time? Because you can say that you know what she's doing, but I don't think you really do. Or it hasn't pissed you off yet. I think you're stuck in denial, still clinging to he hope that she'll decide you've done enough penance and can be allowed to be with her again. But I hate to tell you, it'll never happen while she's still got you wrapped around her finger like this. Why would she? She's got all the benefits of your company and help, without having to deal with your problems, wants, or needs. Plus the ego boost from getting all kinds of attention from new, different guys. Why would she want to change any of that? Stand up for yourself and put an end to it. You made mistakes in the relationship, but you aren't going to make them up like this. You aren't going to make them up at all, actually. If she was still interested, you'd have known by now.

 

I'm harsh, but I've been there. Trust me, assert your boundaries. I'm afraid we're going to read a post about you all going to Easter at her parents' and how nice it was, and how much you miss it...why would you do that to yourself? You need to exercise the same willpower you're using to stay sober and maintain a distance from her. I haven't mentioned it before, but I'm an alcoholic myself, four years and four months sober for me. I know what it takes to give up drinking, and I know that if you've made it this far without it, you're stubborn and determined enough to get over her too.

Spot on,good advice.

[Flabreakup]

I definitely want the same things you do now. Just wish I realzed I already had it but took it for granted.

 

Anywho, I haven't started the bike search yet the last two weeks have been busy so no time like today to sit around and think about things all day. Waiting on a tire shipment now so can't really leave for a little. Also it's tax time here and I've got to get all that figured out. Ive got a house I rent out a thousand miles away that I had just bought when meeting the ex then of course moved. Last year I also started the business so I don't think the taxes are something I can do myself. The ex has an accounting degree before she did the nursing thing and offered to do it but I think that would be too much. She left in 2015 and already knows everything about 2014 but I know the whole boundaries thing. She wouldnt charge me and I'm sure an accountant would but at this point I probably should have an accountant anyway so that's what I'm going to do.

 

Once all this is worked out I'll get back to the bike thing. It's warm here in Florida all year round so no rush. Actually thought about buying a place around here instead of paying rent since I know I'll never leave my daughter but since I've only been in business 6 months they said have to have two full years in business for self employed to get a mortgage. So time Ive got.

 

Definitely the roughest day in weeks. Woke up wrote on here and went back to sleep. Hoping the gym will get some adrenaline going and make for a better night.

Edited March 25, 2015 by Flabreakup

[Flabreakup]

Ziggy

I know your 100% correct. I just don't know how I can act like I don't care or I different when I really do care. Even my best friend said I'm making her life very easy and why would she want someone back if they already have them wrapped around their finger and still have the freedom to do as she pleases with who she pleases. It's just hard letting go completely when there are all these feel good moments. At least they are to me. Probably not her. I'm jist filling in for the time being until someone does come along for her such could be tomorrow or already has for all I know. She has made comments that she's not talking to anyone right now but wouldn't be opposed if something did happen and dioes t want to wait around for months to see if she can get over the hurt and pain I caused. At the same time her best friend and family tell me to hang in there because she never thought I would make it this far without drinking and thought I would be miserable the whole time which I'm usually not. I know I'm clinging on her and will work my damdest to let go and move on. I don't call or text her for any reason other then the baby but I do let her and always respond or listen when she has to talk. Bad I know. I do still care for her a lot and want nothing more than the family back together but have realized that's a slim chance just hard letting go. Week seven now so getting closer I think.

 

I also find it hard to be distant or disinterest with her when I'm not I terest in anyone else. As I've mentioned I've been asked out several times in just the last but still have no urge to do so what's so ever. I'm sure if she was asked by a cute guy she wouldn't hesitate but I'm jist not at that point yet. I wish I could. What's the saying get over someone by getting under someone else but I really have zero interest in anyone right now. And these days without my daughter which also come along with seeing her are the hardest it seems. I know I'm being a fool and just can't help it. I pick the baby up at 6am on days she works and usually bring coffee which of course I could tell her to drop the baby off and then she'd have to get up a lot earlier as it's about a half hour drive and I get the baby ready while she's finishing getting ready. Stupid I know but hard habit to break. Particularly when one of the main reasons she's left was me not showing I cared to help or do nice things for her so in my mind it make sense to do them now. How else can I prove that I'm working on me and being a better happier person. Which I really am since the quoting drinking. Congrats by the way. I hope I can make it that long and forever too! I really have no urge to drink at all. My daughter and business depend on it. I've even cut way back in the cigs from when she first left. Went from three or four a day to two packs a day and now around half a pack a day so that might be next to go in a few months.

 

I have to find the courage and disepline to be stronger and let her go more and more. I seem ok when I don't talk or see her but when I do I'm like jello for lack of a better word. I know it's not going to help get over her and probably makes me more unattractive or less masculine to her which is certainly mot my intention. I know it shouldn't matter what she thinks but it does still for some reason. My how I envy those who can just be done and never have to see them again. I would imagine it makes this a shorter process and less painful but I'm sure some more heartache is in my future.

 

I will do my best to keep the communicarion to a minimum and even try to have the baby ready when she gets here to pick up so she doesn't have to come in and hangout for any period of time.

 

Jist wish it was easier to let go of my family dream with her and little Khloe. Still feels like a failed as a father and man sometimes and now is one of those times. Guess it's back to nap time.

[Toodaloo]

Good Morning Brian

 

You are making life easy for her. I know that you still care and are working your way through all of this but we get tough with you on this because it was her choice. Why should she have all the benefits of being with you when she isn't? Someone else, someone who does care about you and will stick around is worthy of that care. Your ex isn't.

 

Would you do all of these things for a random stranger? Because that is what she is. She has shown that the woman you thought you were in a relationship with actually doesn't exist in her at this time. So she is not the woman you think she is.

 

Don't worry about seeing other women just yet. I have heard that saying too and I can tell you its wrong. It doesn't work and you just end up feeling worse after.

 

Today is a new day. Attack it as such and keep starting afresh each day.

 

Your doing so well so don't let all that hard work and soul searching go to waste! There is life and you are getting yourself ready for it!

 

Chin up chook!

[BC1980]

You can act like you don't care because I've done it so many times when I've seen my ex at work. It's okay to care and normal to care. But your ex can't be the recipient of those feelings. That's not her role anymore. My biggest fear is that she is going to soon find a new BF and turn on you completely, or she will expect you to be okay with her new BF. At that point, you are going to be so resentful of what you are doing now by talking to her after her day and going out to buy clothes together.

[Flabreakup]

I know that's probbly true but sometimes I'm jist weak I guess. She's called three times today for no real particular reason. Well the last time was to to me how bad she is feeling as far as upset stomach and headache and the baby isn't making it any easier so of course my dumb ass says is there anything I can do and she said no but the baby is making things worse so I said let me come pick her up so at least she can deal with her illness in peace. So here I am at this very moment sitting with the baby about to leave her place. Of course it's after midnight here but I don't want the baby to get sick too.

 

At least that's what I'm telling myself. And yes I am an idiot and just today I overheard her say something along the lines of a cute guy at work. Yet I keep getting the same I want to see actions or prove it to me. I'm going to be in a world of hurt sooner or later I think but for now my daughters well being matters most. When I got here to her place she was in the middle of hurling into the toilet but I just went straight to the baby and getting her ready to go. I'm a fools and I can't help it. It really seems as soon as I stopped calling and texting her a few weeks ago she has called everyday usually starts with the baby but ends up an hour conversation about this or that. Nothing of us of course. I know I'm jist a meantime thing and somedays I'm like f her and others like today after not seeing the baby for a few days I'm like what can I do to help.

 

I guess in the back of my mind I keep thinking about all the things I never did or took for granted and didn't appreciate and think showing more now will help but probably just shows I'm at her be king call even though I didn't like how things went down my previous actions were hard to dispute. Most would have left me a lot sooner and probably only kept trying for the baby sake I think.

 

So not a good day on keeping my distance but I have the baby tonight and tomorrow so I'll try to get back at it. And by the way I see hot women all the time and I'm sure we all do and tell our friends I just wasn't suppose to hear it.

 

Anyway there's a rodeo this girl wants to go to tomorrow here and Ive never been to one so I think I'm going to give it a go. She's not the pushy type and just wants to hangout. I hope cause I'm not feeling like doing anything more.

 

Well we'll call this day a loos for me. Hopefully tomorrow will be a win. One step forward and two steps back.

 

BC

I know I'm in for it sooner or later. Hopefully later so I might not care as much but that may be what I actually need to know to give up completely cause right now it's just too hard.

[Toodaloo]

Oh Brian...

 

You have to stop supporting her. While I agree with you picking up the baby I really can't agree to all these "just chatting" conversations she insists on having with you.

 

They make you feel bad.

 

Therefore they need to stop.

 

Next time put your foot down. Tell her bluntly that you do not want to hear it. tell her unless its about the baby not to call. Anything else is her life she chose not to be with you so stop treating you as back up. Then just hang up.

 

Your taking steps backwards because you are allowing her to use you. Stop it.

 

Stop blaming yourself. Yeah yeah so you were not perfect. Your wake up call here is that NO ONE IS PERFECT. There is no such thing. Its a lie that Disney tells us. We all fart, we all have nasty habits, we can all be selfish or uncaring at times. Its called being human.

 

The BIG difference here is that you didn't check out of your relationship. She did. Now she wants the fringe benefits. Well tough. If you sell a car you can't then go back to the person who brought it and say "Oh mind if I take my old car down to the shops"... That is exactly the same as wheat she is doing to you. Yeah she feels great, she has attention and flattery and everything she wants with out having to commit to you or care for you... but it leaves you feeling like crap.

 

Take a deep breath. Hold your head up and push your shoulders back. You are a proud man and you have every right to be proud of yourself because you have done amazing things in the past few months and all on your lonesome with out any help or support from her. She on the other hand has had all your help and support 100%... Time for that to stop. Don't let it go on. Stop letting her feed off of you.

 

Its the weekend soon. The sun is shinning and you can go out and have a fantastic time with your baby girl. Go grab that time and make the most of it.

[Flabreakup]

Hi

So it's been a pretty rough weekend overall. Not emotionally just with the Baby and ex being sick most of it and weather was not so nice. Not that I'm complaining but for Florida it was chilly.

 

Never ended up going to the rodeo thing, just wasn't feeling it and have been with the baby the whole time since. Ex and her mom have all been ill the whole time so I guess lucky I haven't caught it from the little one. I don't mind looking after her though. It's kind of nice.

 

Working on the distance thing but not too well. Have to talk and it seems more so when the babys not well and of course when I have her. But overall not much thought on relationship things. The bad days are when I don't have her it seems. Because then I've got not much to do unless a work call comes in which I haven't had in a few days.

 

I can't say I don't feel for the ex when she's not feeling well like right now and I just want to help. But I would do that for almost anyone that has helped me in the past. Just the person I am. I do believe in Karma. So when you do good deeds they will come back around one way or another.

 

Well today I'm heading to the store to get some lawn stuff. Decided to stop paying the neighbor every week and just do it myself. I really have lots of time and down here the lawn has to be cut every week until October or so. Just some thing to occupy time I guess.

 

Also my sister has asked to come down from up north to look for a job and see if she likes it down here. Her and the family are big partiers and she is the one who's boyfriend died last week after drinking to much and apparently taking a bunch of Xanax from what I undersrand. I told her there would be no alcohol in my house and she said after last week she didn't want to but my brother tells me there all still up to the same stuff. Now, I'm not very close with my brother and sister as we weren't raised together but my caring side says to help and some company might not be bad but the other side says I've got a business to run and baby to take care of. She also has three boys none of which are coming and said it's only for two weeks. Tough decision and of course she's saying she can't come til she gets some money and such. I really don't want drama but how do you say no to family in need.

 

Well I hope everyone is having a decent weekend so far and enjoy the rest of your Sunday.

[Toodaloo]

Hi ya

 

If its any consolation I have been a bit glum today too. I have spent the entire morning curled up on the sofa watching films with the dogs curled up under a blanket... We ate rice cakes... Its now 4pm and I have done nothing today. Very unusual for me.

 

I am going to tell you about my seperated guy. His marriage has been in turmoil for years. Every now and then they would have a child thinking it would make things better... It never did. At the end of the year before last she kicked him out of the house. He has been sofa hopping ever since. He has 3 kids that she holds to ransom. He pays all the bills including her mobile phone bill while she goes off shagging numberous blokes and rubbing it in his face. We had a brief thing for about 6 weeks last summer. Suddenly he was happy. He had direction. He started making rules and getting proper access to his children. Then one day he just stopped talking to me. He went a bit loopy. Trying to get his wife back (she was having none of it). This guy has tried everything. It has driven him mad. His wife treats him like ****e on her shoe. Every now and then they still go out for "family days" where he is allowed to go with her and the children to a show. It drives him insane thinking that there is hope, that he should rebuild his family, that he should work on his marriage. Last weekend she buggared off on a "shagging" weekend, got drunk, stoned and laid while he was at home with the children... her initial plan was to leave her 17yr old daughter in charge. Oh and he even took her to the airport and picked up up... How very helpful eh! Mean while she has "no money" to feed the children or put fuel in her car... Don't forget he is still paying all of the bills, does a large monthly shop to fill up the fridge and freezer, gets all the childrens clothes, pays for all the childrens school trips... The stories I could tell you are just unreal. The whole situation is an absolute mess and it just gets worse.

 

I have spent the last year watching him fall apart. Don't be like him. Stand your ground and keep your boundaries up.

 

I know its hard but if you don't it just gets harder. Look after you. Then you can look after the most important person here... your daughter.

 

Be careful with your sister and be prepared to kick her out if she starts drinking. Its not worth you risking your hard work. You need to be prepared to dish out "tough love" and I am worried that you are the one that needs support here and are not really in a great place to help her. I do understand why you are doing it but for goodness sake be careful.

 

Have a good nights sleep and try to keep smiling.

[BC1980]

I can't say I don't feel for the ex when she's not feeling well like right now and I just want to help. But I would do that for almost anyone that has helped me in the past. Just the person I am. I do believe in Karma. So when you do good deeds they will come back around one way or another.

 

The fact of the matter is that she has her parents to help her as well. One of the consequences of the breakup is that she can't have you around all of the time like she did before. The grass might not be so greener for her when you aren't there to help with the baby. I think it's fine that you took the baby because your ex was sick, but I would leave it at that. I wouldn't stay at the ex's house again. She does have support besides you. Weren't her parents paying for her place while she was waiting to get a paycheck from her new job?

 

I also wouldn't do something because you think karma will get you if you don't. I would do it out of the goodness of my heart. I know people throw that belief around a lot, and I've been guilty of it myself. We all have. But ask yourself why you want to help your ex. It's for your own reasons because you want to get back together. Besides, my belief is that life is mostly luck anyway. Bad things happen to good people all of time and vice versa. We make up concepts like karma to feel that we have some modicum of control over the external factors at work in our lives.

[BC1980]

Also my sister has asked to come down from up north to look for a job and see if she likes it down here. Her and the family are big partiers and she is the one who's boyfriend died last week after drinking to much and apparently taking a bunch of Xanax from what I undersrand. I told her there would be no alcohol in my house and she said after last week she didn't want to but my brother tells me there all still up to the same stuff. Now, I'm not very close with my brother and sister as we weren't raised together but my caring side says to help and some company might not be bad but the other side says I've got a business to run and baby to take care of. She also has three boys none of which are coming and said it's only for two weeks. Tough decision and of course she's saying she can't come til she gets some money and such. I really don't want drama but how do you say no to family in need.

 

You can say no to family in need. You can draw boundaries. I would tell your sister to sit on her decision for a year because it's never a good thing to make a big decision when you are grieving.

[ZiggyZoo]

I gotta say, I think having your sister come down is a bad idea too. Your sobriety is too new to risk being exposed to alcohol on a daily basis like she'd be doing. Because chances are, she'd bring it around, despite your wishes. She's an alcoholic and addicted to it, and that's what they do. She can't help it, and you need to understand that and just avoid her altogether.

 

I see a habit of you being unable to draw and enforce boundaries with people. It is OK to say no, it is OK to look after yourself first, and it is OK to disappoint someone else. You've got a daughter, and if you aren't there for yourself, you can't be there for her either.

 

I haven't spoken with my brother for almost five years, after our mom died. I was struggling with quitting drinking, since that's what she died of, and he couldn't stop bringing it around me. I was even OK if he snuck it, and I didn't know he was drinking, but he couldn't handle even that. It kills me every time I think of it, but I have myself and my kids to look after and can't be around those who are bad for me.

[Toodaloo]

How are you doing today?

 

I know we are all being tough on you with regards to your sister but its because we have been following your progress and we want you to get over all of this and have a great life.

 

Please be very careful...