A Feeling Of Guilt - Why I Don't Know

[jm2013]

Oh I forgot to drop this on here. I got to listen to my in law saying we are alike and she'd never be able to get over an affair if her husband cheated. I told her one of them in the 30 years they were married probably did cheat one way or another. I also told her she had no clue what she was talking about. Speculation is way different than actually living it. It almost felt she was trying to plant seeds of doubt in my mind so I plan for divorce lol. Little does she know. I did not say a word to her about my plans. They are going to find out about it soon than later. I also told her I'd entertain the idea of getting together with my wife and her parents and letting them battle it out one night. I think it would be rather amusing to spectate. I'd actually enjoy watching both parties call each other liars. I'd be sitting back relaxing knowing I'll soon be away from all these nutty friggin people.

[Clay]

In case I missed something did you actually tell your wife you want out? If you have what has she said? I get you want out now but what is she doing since you have let her know?

 

Clay

[jm2013]

In case I missed something did you actually tell your wife you want out? If you have what has she said? I get you want out now but what is she doing since you have let her know?

 

Clay

 

Yeah I told her. It is weird because it is like she has a filter on. When I tell her I want out she completely ignores it and carries on like nothing is happening. She isn't really doing anything but living life. I have expressed annoyances to her a couple weeks ago as well. I told her if I want to cook something I'm going to cook something and I don't want her to do anything for me. I think she's slowly starting to get it. I have to watch out though cause I woke up to her jerking me under the covers the other night and broke me down to have sex. It is empty the tank sex not making love or anything. There's nothing sentimental about our sex. I have sex with her because I want to get off and that is about it. I have no desire in her beyond just banging to get off. I still really don't even want to do that. She's incredibly high risk to be emptying in her if you know what I mean.

 

I'd rather be having sex with a woman who I can look at while I'm having sex with and enjoy the experience a little more. A woman who I can smile at and show emotion to. Boy do I miss that.

[Clay]

Is it possible she is thinking this is just a phase you are going through and she is just trying to let it pass? I mean honestly have you really seriously sit her down and discussed divorce and how visiting arrangement will work?

 

Clay

[jm2013]

I haven't gotten into custody arrangements. So far she knows I don't want her that's 100%. I have a weird feeling she's telling herself this is not happening or something. This is again the world revolves around her. Because she is now "changed" it must make things "ok". She cannot undue what she did. I think that is her first step of admittance to something that cannot be corrected at least with us. Perhaps she can take this life learning experience and implement safeguards in her next partner. I'm completely miserable. Her mom told me to go home and kiss and love my wife. I chuckled to myself a little. It did realize how much out of love I really am with her. I care for her as a friend though and she is my daughter's mother. So I will respect her on those grounds. I don't want this to be drug out and end in a bitter divorce.

[Clay]

I really had the same kind of experience. I just could not believe how they could not understand how I felt. It was like what planet are you from. How do you not see this is a horrible thing you have done to me and our kids. I know I am harsh on WS's here but I really think most of them just live in there own little world and really don't have a clue. Its not to say that I don't believe some people have changes and can change its just so few of them actually ever do.

 

I know I really kicked you around quite a bit for staying with her but I hope you know I feel really bad for you. I remember all the pain I went through and I hate to see anyone suffer that kind of pain.

 

I hope you can just start making too plans for yourself and your child. Its how I was able to move on. My kids have been my life. I have since then remarried and she is a great woman. I know you will find a great woman for you.

 

Good people are hard to find but once you do its worth all the wait.

 

Clay

[No Limit]

Your STBX was twisted from her earliest childhood. Seriously, as soon as she started the religion-route you should have left.

 

Good luck on getting the divorce done amicably.

[drifter777]

jm: regarding the sex - if you are having intercourse then you could be sending the wrong message. I mean, if you just want to get off then let her get you off if that's what she wants to do. If she doesn't you can just masturbate. Intercourse is too intimate for a guy who's emotionally checked out and just treading water until he leaves.

[Lion Heart]

Yeah I told her. It is weird because it is like she has a filter on. When I tell her I want out she completely ignores it and carries on like nothing is happening. She isn't really doing anything but living life. I have expressed annoyances to her a couple weeks ago as well. I told her if I want to cook something I'm going to cook something and I don't want her to do anything for me. I think she's slowly starting to get it. I have to watch out though cause I woke up to her jerking me under the covers the other night and broke me down to have sex. It is empty the tank sex not making love or anything. There's nothing sentimental about our sex. I have sex with her because I want to get off and that is about it. I have no desire in her beyond just banging to get off. I still really don't even want to do that. She's incredibly high risk to be emptying in her if you know what I mean.

 

I'd rather be having sex with a woman who I can look at while I'm having sex with and enjoy the experience a little more. A woman who I can smile at and show emotion to. Boy do I miss that.

 

Cheaters own Filter goggles yeah! And Cheaters own Filter ear muffs too! My WH has them both too. Oh lucky us! What prizes we've won. Don't you think? Yeah.... NO. G** wish I owned some too. Filter ALL of them out of my life forever. Make them invisible and voiceless. Dreaming again..

 

Yes they do this. Ignore. My WH said recently during his "clock ticking reconciliation" because time's a fast running out (8w 2d since my glorious D Day). That if he's heard it before, it's just blah blah blah. Mind movies? Just forget about it all. Let's start again. Ok my darling cheating husband I'll just have the labotomy that YOU NEED will I? Also I need to stop bringing up the affair because HE wants to forget about it! Wtf???

 

Anyhow I mainly wanted to respond is by saying GET SOME CONDOMS. If she starts doing anything and you want to offload, I'd do it, you're married aren't you? Just get a condom on. High risk. .absolutely! Lower risk with a condom. If she asks what you're doing just say "what does it look like? I'm not leaving here with your OM germs! " that will send a message loud and clear.

 

Good luck

Lion Heart.

[Friskyone4u]

Jim

 

You should not feel guilty about anything here . You are the good guy in this story. Everyone is different but you need no explanation if her affair is a deal breaker for you. It seems like her affair may have ended because OM dropped her and you became PLAN B. Of course now that OM is out of the picture she wants her old life back.

A lot of times the TT and breaking of NC and lying about it is worse than the actual sexual betrayal. You are right . She did every wrong thing possible after she was caught, indicating regret not remorse.

I think I read she offered to take a poly test to prove she was not still in contact at work with OM. If you wanted to R, you might have taken her up in that.

You have made your decision it seems so good luck to you and do not second guess yourself. She gambled everything for a little extra sex and selfish fun. It did I not work out for her.

[jm2013]

I realized that anybody going through a R is typically plan b. IF your spouse cheated on your that's essentially what you are. I don't like being plan b and to be honest now days it is rather embarrassing to say. It will make anybody feel humiliated. It just sucks. I think what is important here is for me to stop showing my daughter what a failed marriage looks like. I want her to grow up and see what a good marriage looks like. Unfortunately I cannot teach her that now in her younger years. I hope the next guy is able to provide a more loving atmosphere with her mother. I cannot invest in that unfortunately.

[Selfish]

I realized that anybody going through a R is typically plan b. IF your spouse cheated on your that's essentially what you are. I don't like being plan b and to be honest now days it is rather embarrassing to say. It will make anybody feel humiliated. It just sucks. I think what is important here is for me to stop showing my daughter what a failed marriage looks like. I want her to grow up and see what a good marriage looks like. Unfortunately I cannot teach her that now in her younger years. I hope the next guy is able to provide a more loving atmosphere with her mother. I cannot invest in that unfortunately.

 

This is a broad brush statement. Affairs that are baded purely on pleasure are not plan As. Not even once did I want to be happily ever after with xMM. He wasn't a plan. A, b, or C.

 

As to your daughter, she will make her own choices in life. Loving her and being their for her is the best thing you can do.

 

As to your wife. She probably will keep her hopes up until she finds someone new. Not your problem. But remember words without actions are empty. So of course she doesn't believe you are actually ending the marriage.

 

I have no idea what a bib is (besides for eating). But keeping it is yet another sign (IF it was from ap) that she isn't a true remorseful wayward. I cannot imagine if I had any momentoes (never got any) from xMM keeping them let alone displaying them!

[bubbaganoosh]

I guess I'm starting to feel like I am going to be the bad guy now if I ask her for a divorce as well. All of our new church friends are probably going to hate me along with the pastors. From an outside view the perception could seem like the divorce was my fault and I wanted it. So I will be the one who will look like I'm abandoning my family to find my own happiness and probably be accused of some hidden affair.

 

Why should you feel guilty. She's the one who cheated. She's the one who broke her vows. She's the one who was dishonest.

 

Right now the mistake your making is your feeling her pain. What should be happening is she should be feeling yours. Don't let the tears she sheds get to you. Most of it is because she was caught not because she hurt you.

 

Don't worry about what the church group will think. If they have a brain, then they'll know your not the one who cheated, it was her.

 

Better wake up soon friend or the next thing you'll be doing is taking the blame for her cheating. Then you lose.

[jm2013]

This is a broad brush statement. Affairs that are baded purely on pleasure are not plan As. Not even once did I want to be happily ever after with xMM. He wasn't a plan. A, b, or C.

 

As to your daughter, she will make her own choices in life. Loving her and being their for her is the best thing you can do.

 

As to your wife. She probably will keep her hopes up until she finds someone new. Not your problem. But remember words without actions are empty. So of course she doesn't believe you are actually ending the marriage.

 

I have no idea what a bib is (besides for eating). But keeping it is yet another sign (IF it was from ap) that she isn't a true remorseful wayward. I cannot imagine if I had any momentoes (never got any) from xMM keeping them let alone displaying them!

 

Sorry. I didn't mean to take a jab at WS's. I'm still bitter about it all. The bib was her number she wore for the race and was framed. I'm guessing OM framed it for her to make her feel proud of her new achievement. Knowing this now makes me feel sick to my stomach about the whole thing. She allegedly wanted to reconcile but continued on with the betrayal. I wouldn't be surprised if he paid for a hotel that day and they screwed. I bet she will indeed be aggressive in trying to win me back initially until she finds somebody new. I hope to God she doesn't try and disrupt my dating because she's bitter about it all. I'm actually kind of scared to publicly display who I'm dating to her out of fear she'll be a raging lunatic and try to wreck what I've got going on or off herself.

[jm2013]

Why should you feel guilty. She's the one who cheated. She's the one who broke her vows. She's the one who was dishonest.

 

Right now the mistake your making is your feeling her pain. What should be happening is she should be feeling yours. Don't let the tears she sheds get to you. Most of it is because she was caught not because she hurt you.

 

Don't worry about what the church group will think. If they have a brain, then they'll know your not the one who cheated, it was her.

 

Better wake up soon friend or the next thing you'll be doing is taking the blame for her cheating. Then you lose.

 

The only reason I feel "some" guilt is because of religion. She went into Church hard and when I divorce her I feel like people are going to look at me weird. I'm not going to tell them why we're divorcing. Perhaps she can spill those beans if desired. I'm done with that. I'm just going to tell people we did not see eye to eye and decided a divorce was in our best interest.

[Selfish]

The only reason I feel "some" guilt is because of religion. She went into Church hard and when I divorce her I feel like people are going to look at me weird. I'm not going to tell them why we're divorcing. Perhaps she can spill those beans if desired. I'm done with that. I'm just going to tell people we did not see eye to eye and decided a divorce was in our best interest.

 

I really think you need to work on not being ashamed of your wife cheating on you. That sort of pride is uneeded. Anyone can be cheated on. From saints to jacka**es. Telling people why you divorced is the norm and it can help others too.

[BetrayedH]

This is a broad brush statement. Affairs that are baded purely on pleasure are not plan As. Not even once did I want to be happily ever after with xMM. He wasn't a plan. A, b, or C.

 

Yeah, I'm not sure that every BS that reconciles is Plan B either. In some cases, the wayward just wanted "more." I hate the cliche but they wanted to have their cake and eat it, too. It's not that one was better than the other but that both together are better than just one.

 

I know I wasn't a bad husband. Amongst other things, my wife just felt entitled to more out of life. She didn't even want the OM full-time; she just wanted to supplement her life with some side action. If I'm Plan B at all in that scenario, it's just because having multiple men was Plan A.

 

In other cases, the wayward loves the spouse but is just so conflict-avoidant that they can't even share what they "need." It ends up being easier to get it elsewhere.

 

As usual, I think the choice to have an affair speaks far more about the wayward than it doesn about the betrayed.

[drifter777]

Yeah, I'm not sure that every BS that reconciles is Plan B either. In some cases, the wayward just wanted "more." I hate the cliche but they wanted to have their cake and eat it, too. It's not that one was better than the other but that both together are better than just one.

But doesn't this mean that cake-eating was their plan A? If a WS decides to end the affair and confess, that helps convince a BS that they have become plan A again. I think that's why reconciliation is more likely to work when confessed rather than when busted. Anyway, when the cake-eater is busted I think one of the many aspects that torture the BS is a the feeling that they are, indeed, plan B. I think that feeling, whether true or not, will last a long time and even be permanent for some BS's. This is why lots of BS's feel as though they settled for less in that they know they are plan B but are accepting it for whatever reason.

[BetrayedH]

But doesn't this mean that cake-eating was their plan A? If a WS decides to end the affair and confess, that helps convince a BS that they have become plan A again. I think that's why reconciliation is more likely to work when confessed rather than when busted. Anyway, when the cake-eater is busted I think one of the many aspects that torture the BS is a the feeling that they are, indeed, plan B. I think that feeling, whether true or not, will last a long time and even be permanent for some BS's. This is why lots of BS's feel as though they settled for less in that they know they are plan B but are accepting it for whatever reason.

 

Granted. I think in many cases, the BS is Plan B as compared to cake-eating. But it doesn't surprise me that a woman might want the affection of two men any more than men wanting the affection of two women. I'm not really offended by that, nor is it really much of a blow to the ego. Sure she wanted it; too bad. I'd like a harem, too.

 

What is offensive is that she actually did it all without my approval and behind my back. She acted on it and broke our vows big time by doing that.

 

But I think most of the time when people talk about being Plan B, it's a strict comparison of the BS to the AP. The thought is that IF the wayward could choose without any repercussions, they would choose the AP. But because of all of the negatives associated with a divorce (loss of kids/grandkids, financials, reputation, career, assets, etc), they choose instead to stay with the BS. No one wants to be second choice to another guy and I think a lot of us are left wondering if the only reason we still have our spouse is because of other factors like those. That sucks.

 

But I don't get bent out of shape thinking that she'd rather have both men filling her needs. She just needed to get real on that one. Congrats on wanting it. Come back to Earth now.

[BetrayedH]

Let me pose it to you this way, Drifter.

 

I'm going to guess that you might enjoy the affection of two women if you could have it. Heck, I might enjoy having a different woman each day of the week. If you have any desires like that, then your wife could just as reasonably argue that you have settled for her. Should she feel dejected because she's your Plan B?

 

Where I would think she would feel dejected is if you made it clear that there's one particular woman you'd prefer to spend your time with but instead you have stayed with your wife for stability, finances, preservation of reputation, etc..

[Lion Heart]

But doesn't this mean that cake-eating was their plan A? If a WS decides to end the affair and confess, that helps convince a BS that they have become plan A again. I think that's why reconciliation is more likely to work when confessed rather than when busted. Anyway, when the cake-eater is busted I think one of the many aspects that torture the BS is a the feeling that they are, indeed, plan B. I think that feeling, whether true or not, will last a long time and even be permanent for some BS's. This is why lots of BS's feel as though they settled for less in that they know they are plan B but are accepting it for whatever reason.

 

I think it's totally naive to think that we BSs are not the WS Plan B at least DURING their affair. Our marraige was put in a kind of slack "maintenance" box in WS mind. No sex for a whole month here? Weird. First time. He was "tired". Yeah. WS mind was consumed with AP and planning the next meet. Maintaining the marriage / family face was what WSs want to do for their own reasons. Money a big one. They don't wanna hop off THAT gravy train.... yet. Or maybe AP hasn't made the offer of a dream life with them. I'd imagine most wouldn't! I digress yet again.

 

My first questions to WH the moment he told me over the phone about OW (and A had been over for a month but she was ANGRY so was going to be at my house to tell me herself if he didn't immediately.So he did.) First questions WERE so she's 55? (I was 48, WS 44) Is she a rich widow? No. Does she own a merc? No she drives a bomb. Does she own a mansion at rich suburb? No she shares a rented flat and has boarders. Does she earn a packet? No she's unemployed (and has been for 35yrs 1 of her family members told me later) She's a volunteer scripture teacher at our kids school!!!!

 

I found out it was her t**s. Yeah.

 

OW had her sights on HIM as her next gravy train, she even had her family make friends with my children at school so they could arrange a play date DURING their affair. They came unbeknownst to me why. They checked out their mother's NEW HOUSE!!! VERY well indeed. ummmm. Wtf? Its actually my house not my WHs. OW didn't know. Hilarious.

 

Both fools. WH average wage FT for our 15y marraige is lucky to be $10k a year. WH knew which side his bread was buttered. I earn almost 3 figures. No more gravy!

 

I digress sorry. I'm still piecing it together 8w 3d since D Day.

 

Don't believe in unicorns.

 

Oh I'm sure WH wants to us to THINK that we're all his plan A NOW. We know the truth.

WS is welcome to watch his Plan Bs bit by bit untangle themselves from the bullsh**.

 

Lion Heart.

[drifter777]

Let me pose it to you this way, Drifter.

 

I'm going to guess that you might enjoy the affection of two women if you could have it. Heck, I might enjoy having a different woman each day of the week. If you have any desires like that, then your wife could just as reasonably argue that you have settled for her. Should she feel dejected because she's your Plan B?

 

Where I would think she would feel dejected is if you made it clear that there's one particular woman you'd prefer to spend your time with but instead you have stayed with your wife for stability, finances, preservation of reputation, etc..

Actually having 2 lovers is not the same as fantasizing about it. Once you have it maybe everything else is plan B.

[Clay]

How are you doing today Jm?

[jm2013]

I think it's totally naive to think that we BSs are not the WS Plan B at least DURING their affair. Our marraige was put in a kind of slack "maintenance" box in WS mind. No sex for a whole month here? Weird. First time. He was "tired". Yeah. WS mind was consumed with AP and planning the next meet. Maintaining the marriage / family face was what WSs want to do for their own reasons. Money a big one. They don't wanna hop off THAT gravy train.... yet. Or maybe AP hasn't made the offer of a dream life with them. I'd imagine most wouldn't! I digress yet again.

 

My first questions to WH the moment he told me over the phone about OW (and A had been over for a month but she was ANGRY so was going to be at my house to tell me herself if he didn't immediately.So he did.) First questions WERE so she's 55? (I was 48, WS 44) Is she a rich widow? No. Does she own a merc? No she drives a bomb. Does she own a mansion at rich suburb? No she shares a rented flat and has boarders. Does she earn a packet? No she's unemployed (and has been for 35yrs 1 of her family members told me later) She's a volunteer scripture teacher at our kids school!!!!

 

I found out it was her t**s. Yeah.

 

OW had her sights on HIM as her next gravy train, she even had her family make friends with my children at school so they could arrange a play date DURING their affair. They came unbeknownst to me why. They checked out their mother's NEW HOUSE!!! VERY well indeed. ummmm. Wtf? Its actually my house not my WHs. OW didn't know. Hilarious.

 

Both fools. WH average wage FT for our 15y marraige is lucky to be $10k a year. WH knew which side his bread was buttered. I earn almost 3 figures. No more gravy!

 

I digress sorry. I'm still piecing it together 8w 3d since D Day.

 

Don't believe in unicorns.

 

Oh I'm sure WH wants to us to THINK that we're all his plan A NOW. We know the truth.

WS is welcome to watch his Plan Bs bit by bit untangle themselves from the bullsh**.

 

Lion Heart.

 

Wow you're still pretty fresh with this all. I hope you can find peace soon. It is definitely a tough road to travel for anybody.

 

How are you doing today Jm?

 

Thanks Clay. I'm doing well. Lately I have been worried about the little breakdown I just had with my wife and the sex. I don't have a clue why I even did that. I needed to clear the chambers and she happened to be right there. I'm starting to enter the dangerous phase here and I cannnot will not get her pregnant and have her try and force me into something I don't want. I've been exploring different types of options with living arrangements. I have talked to a couple friends about staying with them until the divorce clears and the dust settles. Then I'll probably build my own house or buy one close or in my development now. I'm actually kind of excited planning my future. I can build out what I want and not what my wife wants. I think it will actually be kind of fun.

 

The other day I came into work I also dropped off some awesome donuts and gift card for OW. She is a really awesome person. I think she enjoyed all that. What is crazy is if we are still talking I would try and keep her hidden as much as I could even after the divorce if things progressed. I don't want my bat crazy wife trying to disrupt anything if things went to another level if you know what I mean. Hell, I don't even know if this OW has a boyfriend. If she does she hides it well and apparently doesn't really care about him too much. Though that would be a turn off if she did have a boyfriend while relationship building with somebody else. So crazy.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I realized that anybody going through a R is typically plan b. IF your spouse cheated on your that's essentially what you are. I don't like being plan b and to be honest now days it is rather embarrassing to say. It will make anybody feel humiliated. It just sucks. I think what is important here is for me to stop showing my daughter what a failed marriage looks like. I want her to grow up and see what a good marriage looks like. Unfortunately I cannot teach her that now in her younger years. I hope the next guy is able to provide a more loving atmosphere with her mother. I cannot invest in that unfortunately.

 

You are not Plan B. You have never been Plan B. Plan B is a backup plan, and if anything, THAT is what an AP is. It is the AP who they have to run to when they get kicked out, and statistically that does not work out too well.

 

Never consider yourself Plan B. Consider yourself a solid Plan A that your spouse did not recognize as being as valuable as you are.

 

It's easy to feel like we are Plan B because of the hurt... but that doesn't make it a reality.

 

I have a truck, and a motorcycle. My truck is my Plan A for getting almost everywhere. My motorcycle is Plan B, although it's fun to ride ( I know...ugh..right?) But it not how I want to get around for the rest of my life.