A Feeling Of Guilt - Why I Don't Know

[drifter777]

jm: why do you think you feel guilty?

[merrmeade]

Perfect. Absolutely perfect discussion for several of us ...

I will say is that when I post every once in a while on LS with a specific issue and stick with it a few days or weeks, the responses to different aspects of the problem have been SO helpful and clarifying in a different way from seeing a therapist. I hear feelings of mine articulated in ways that I hadn't yet grasped and felt justified and empowered to stand my ground on a particular issue.

I do think that the best thing you could do for yourself, jm, is get into some good ic. We here on loveshack can only advise about what we read, but a therapist and you can see who you really are and what you need now and in the future.

To clarify: These statements are not actually contradictory. Well, they are but here's what I meant:

Posting on LS has been good for specific issues, validating and clarifying what's at stake, suggesting strategies, but no one online sees/hears everything you're communicating. For me, seeing a therapist, a good one, gets at you as a person and helps you identify and find answers to your deepest problems. It gets you at Vulnerable and, therefore, goes deeper. Once your spot of vulnerability and longing are touched, it's easier to make a decision that will matter and, therefore, motivate you to act.

 

Seems like OP is having a hard time keeping priorities in front and taking action. IC could help.

[jm2013]

I don't know why I feel guilty. There's a gorgeous girl who I started working with who made me realize there's so much opportunity and new things in this world. I feel guilty because my wife I think will make me feel like I'm abandoning my family. At this point it the only thing holding me at home is my daughter. No matter how hard my wife works at it there's no coming back from what she did. I think you need very specific personality types to forgive an affair and move forward. I do not exhibit this personality and I don't think ever in a million years would be able to successfully tuck all this away and have a "happy" marriage. It would be one sided happiness for the most part. I'm talking about a different kind of happiness though I could never get back. I can be happy with my wife but always tormented inside about her affair.

[DKT3]

I don't know why I feel guilty. There's a gorgeous girl who I started working with who made me realize there's so much opportunity and new things in this world. I feel guilty because my wife I think will make me feel like I'm abandoning my family. At this point it the only thing holding me at home is my daughter. No matter how hard my wife works at it there's no coming back from what she did. I think you need very specific personality types to forgive an affair and move forward. I do not exhibit this personality and I don't think ever in a million years would be able to successfully tuck all this away and have a "happy" marriage. It would be one sided happiness for the most part. I'm talking about a different kind of happiness though I could never get back. I can be happy with my wife but always tormented inside about her affair.

 

JM, don't travel that road and get involved with this other woman before you've dealt with your marriage.

 

As far as the guilt for wanting to end the marriage, well honestly your wanting to end the marriage is a result of what she did. Your going to feel guilt, but your marriage has become very unhealthy for you at this point. Resentment will build, not only for the affair, but because you will feel she trapped you in a marriage that you don't want.

 

As unfair as her affair was to you, you are now being equally unfair to her with allowing her false hope. I know this play very well. I told the lawyer to move forward with the divorce something I had already decided 8 months before hand. Oddly two days later on a Sunday, lovin asked me directly if we were ok, and was I ok. I told her yes everything will be fine. She was served on that Tuesday, to this day I hold a great deal of guilt and shame for the way I handled the ending of the marriage(but not for ending the marriage), for allowing her to believe for almost a year that things were getting better. For her they were, I engaged her more then I had, we actually had sex about 10 times over the 8 months, 0 times in the 6 to 8 months before. All the while, I knew the marriage was over I was plotting my escape route,

 

Be honest with her, tell her how you REALLY feel. And don't bring this other woman into your mess, your not ready and she will only get hurt.

[aliveagain]

I don't know why I feel guilty. There's a gorgeous girl who I started working with who made me realize there's so much opportunity and new things in this world. I feel guilty because my wife I think will make me feel like I'm abandoning my family. At this point it the only thing holding me at home is my daughter. No matter how hard my wife works at it there's no coming back from what she did. I think you need very specific personality types to forgive an affair and move forward. I do not exhibit this personality and I don't think ever in a million years would be able to successfully tuck all this away and have a "happy" marriage. It would be one sided happiness for the most part. I'm talking about a different kind of happiness though I could never get back. I can be happy with my wife but always tormented inside about her affair.

 

jm2013, you never left the marriage, she did. When someone decides to start having sex with someone other than their spouse one of the things they consider before starting their affair is the consequence of discovery. Knowing that their marriage will end and yet still choosing to have the affair gives you a lot of information about who she really is. She had all kinds of time to reconsider her decision. She could have stopped at anytime but chose not to. She she kept going back and in the process the deceptions against just kept growing. Affairs take a lot of planning, not everyone has the heart for it because you have to intentionally hurt the people you love. She abandoned the family even though she came home at night. She took your place in her heart and gave that to another man, a predator that she willingly brought into your marriage.

 

Your tormented because of the imbalance her selfish choices have created, your heart and your brain are in serious conflict. In time you will have less conflict but the taste of the sh*t sandwich will always be there, the O/M's mark will always be on her. This is what you have to decide on, can you accept this?

[jm2013]

JM, don't travel that road and get involved with this other woman before you've dealt with your marriage.

 

As far as the guilt for wanting to end the marriage, well honestly your wanting to end the marriage is a result of what she did. Your going to feel guilt, but your marriage has become very unhealthy for you at this point. Resentment will build, not only for the affair, but because you will feel she trapped you in a marriage that you don't want.

 

As unfair as her affair was to you, you are now being equally unfair to her with allowing her false hope. I know this play very well. I told the lawyer to move forward with the divorce something I had already decided 8 months before hand. Oddly two days later on a Sunday, lovin asked me directly if we were ok, and was I ok. I told her yes everything will be fine. She was served on that Tuesday, to this day I hold a great deal of guilt and shame for the way I handled the ending of the marriage(but not for ending the marriage), for allowing her to believe for almost a year that things were getting better. For her they were, I engaged her more then I had, we actually had sex about 10 times over the 8 months, 0 times in the 6 to 8 months before. All the while, I knew the marriage was over I was plotting my escape route,

 

Be honest with her, tell her how you REALLY feel. And don't bring this other woman into your mess, your not ready and she will only get hurt.

 

DK I hear you man. I don't think I'd want this other one involved in my mess at least at this point in time. A week ago I told my wife I wanted a divorce and she passed out on the floor. I don't know what her deal is. What seems to be weird is when I have these real conversations with her I think she either thinks I'm just bluffing or just filters it out completely. I was pretty clear about the divorce. I don't have sex with her anymore either. I am completely turned off by her at this point and time. My phases of this whole mess have been weird.

 

A) I found out about her affair

 

B) Go numb to the world. Saddened, anger & disbelief. This stage lasted awhile.

 

C) Moved out the first time. Came back home and put thought into a reconciliation. Tried and failed. It's not for me. We go to Church weekly as well and have tried to do things. I just don't have the drive or desire to put a smile on my face and act like I'm gitty about my marriage.

 

D) Embarrassment, anger and disgust. These three things are stuck with me right now. When it really sinks in what your spouse did and understand most of that picture you understand just how disgusting it is. I can do MUCH better than that. Quite frankly I don't care how "sorry" she is. She had over a year of time to reflect on her actions. All in all I know for a fact I can do much better than what I have. Not to mention I think it would feel great to be with somebody new. I think it is almost time to end my story soon and never look back. If I'm still alive in 20 years I can look back and probably have a feeling like I dodged a bullet. We only live one life here and it's not worth it to be unhappily married.

[jm2013]

I'll add this in here too. This other chick is amazingly good looking paired with an amazing personality (from what we have talked about). I don't know her well but we've been in exploration mode about each other. We actually used to both go to school together so it was kind of a coincidence she started working where I work. Lately we have great conversations and make each other laugh. Lately I've been finding myself wanting to keep conversating with her and will even think about her often. I know this is bad but boy is it easy to get sucked in. Plus for all I know she's married or something. She wears no ring, doesn't talk about a boyfriend or husband but has two kids.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I'll add this in here too. This other chick is amazingly good looking paired with an amazing personality (from what we have talked about). I don't know her well but we've been in exploration mode about each other. We actually used to both go to school together so it was kind of a coincidence she started working where I work. Lately we have great conversations and make each other laugh. Lately I've been finding myself wanting to keep conversating with her and will even think about her often. I know this is bad but boy is it easy to get sucked in. Plus for all I know she's married or something. She wears no ring, doesn't talk about a boyfriend or husband but has two kids.

 

 

Use this as an example of just how easy it is to get sucked into an affair. Might give you some understanding as to just how human your wife really is.

 

The hardest part is the fifteen seconds before the first kiss. From then on, you're in Oz.

[jm2013]

Use this as an example of just how easy it is to get sucked into an affair. Might give you some understanding as to just how human your wife really is.

 

The hardest part is the fifteen seconds before the first kiss. From then on, you're in Oz.

 

I thought about this. When I was truly married to my wife I never would have gotten this close in a million years. Now that she destroyed our marriage I'd be an idiot to not explore options that will make me happy. Though I still think conveying a different kind of message to my wife is wrong. Which I'm not doing. She knows exactly how I feel. Also, for all I know she is just friend building (OW). Which is probably most likely the case. I doubt there would be anything more offered there but holy smokes would it be hard to turn down if the opportunity were to present itself. In the look department she could definitely be on par with a gorgeous model. Way better looking than my wife. I'm not saying my wife is bad looking but the beauty of OW just shuts that all down.

 

There's got to either be something happening in a relationship or happened. For all I know she cheated on husband, fiancee or boyfriend who knows. I'm sure she's got a plethora of men trying to empty their tanks in her.

[harrybrown]

You have been married for about 8 years.

 

How does your wife tell you that she will never cheat on you again?

 

That does not seem long in the terms of your life.

 

I have been married for 40 years now. The first 37 were good at least I thought so. The last 3 have been hell. If I were in your shoes, I would be worried about when the next OM comes along.

 

Of course now the first 37 years are suspect. If I had a long life ahead, I do not think I could stick it out, when she cheated, lied and loved someone else over you. What happens when she has a midlife crisis? How many OM's will that take?

[drifter777]

I don't know why I feel guilty. There's a gorgeous girl who I started working with who made me realize there's so much opportunity and new things in this world. I feel guilty because my wife I think will make me feel like I'm abandoning my family. At this point it the only thing holding me at home is my daughter.

 

Here's the thing: your wife can't make you FEEL anything. If she guilt-trips you and it hurts the reason is that you already FEEL guilty and she is just scratching the scab. Don't blame anyone - your feelings are yours and I think everyone understands what you are going through. Its a false fear and one you will overcome in a few weeks after you leave. You will see your daughter on some kind of schedule and it will be great.

 

 

No matter how hard my wife works at it there's no coming back from what she did. I think you need very specific personality types to forgive an affair and move forward. I do not exhibit this personality and I don't think ever in a million years would be able to successfully tuck all this away and have a "happy" marriage. It would be one sided happiness for the most part. I'm talking about a different kind of happiness though I could never get back. I can be happy with my wife but always tormented inside about her affair.

I completely agree with all of this. Its important to understand that if you identify yourself as this kind of man, leave. Divorce. Start over. You and your WW are suffering needlessly and wasting valuable time. Guys like you will heal much faster once you leave. The triggers you get when you see her obviously drop and your self-esteem begins to renew immediatly because you are doing what you know to be right for you.

[DKT3]

I thought about this. When I was truly married to my wife I never would have gotten this close in a million years. Now that she destroyed our marriage I'd be an idiot to not explore options that will make me happy. Though I still think conveying a different kind of message to my wife is wrong. Which I'm not doing. She knows exactly how I feel. Also, for all I know she is just friend building (OW). Which is probably most likely the case. I doubt there would be anything more offered there but holy smokes would it be hard to turn down if the opportunity were to present itself. In the look department she could definitely be on par with a gorgeous model. Way better looking than my wife. I'm not saying my wife is bad looking but the beauty of OW just shuts that all down.

 

There's got to either be something happening in a relationship or happened. For all I know she cheated on husband, fiancee or boyfriend who knows. I'm sure she's got a plethora of men trying to empty their tanks in her.

 

Oh, how close I came to sleeping with several women during that time. I honestly felt like it was my right. I had this sense of "what I missed" by dedicating my life to this woman and she pissed all over it. In the end, it wasn't me, I felt bad about hiding it, but not for searching out sex with these other women. I stopped hunting and put my full focus back into my marriage and failed. At the time I just had such a hard time viewing her as someone that would do this after all the years I had thought of her as perfect, as unfair as that is, its how I saw her. The switch to my new reality was too much, that feeling I would get of warmth when I looked at her was replaced by hurt and anger, then disgust and shame lastly to indifference. I was at the time still on the road about 20 days a month and would try to extend each trip longer and longer. The reason for me being there (in the marriage) for my kids was the reason I had to divorce and leave. Me not being there because of her also meant not being there for my kids.

 

At this point, her reaction should be a non factor in your decision. Your mind is made up its time to get it done. No point in putting it off, it won't get easier.

 

I'm sorry man, this sucks and it will get worse, yet also better. You've made the decision that thought should calm you on some levels. Knowing you did your best will allow you to face your daughter when the time comes with your head held high.

[jm2013]

You have been married for about 8 years.

 

How does your wife tell you that she will never cheat on you again?

 

That does not seem long in the terms of your life.

 

I have been married for 40 years now. The first 37 were good at least I thought so. The last 3 have been hell. If I were in your shoes, I would be worried about when the next OM comes along.

 

Of course now the first 37 years are suspect. If I had a long life ahead, I do not think I could stick it out, when she cheated, lied and loved someone else over you. What happens when she has a midlife crisis? How many OM's will that take?

 

I'm sorry you're going through all the pain. That's a long years of marriage and I could only begin to imagine how you feel. Me, at 30 feels like I can rebuild and enjoy life much better with somebody who wouldn't do those kinds of things or perhaps just enjoy my own life on my own terms without reporting to anybody but being there for my kids.

 

Here's the thing: your wife can't make you FEEL anything. If she guilt-trips you and it hurts the reason is that you already FEEL guilty and she is just scratching the scab. Don't blame anyone - your feelings are yours and I think everyone understands what you are going through. Its a false fear and one you will overcome in a few weeks after you leave. You will see your daughter on some kind of schedule and it will be great.

 

 

I completely agree with all of this. Its important to understand that if you identify yourself as this kind of man, leave. Divorce. Start over. You and your WW are suffering needlessly and wasting valuable time. Guys like you will heal much faster once you leave. The triggers you get when you see her obviously drop and your self-esteem begins to renew immediatly because you are doing what you know to be right for you.

 

I feel guilty because my daughter is going to ask why I'm leaving her. She gets worried to this day about me not being there and carries some anxiety. When I left the first time she felt like I did not want to be there. It was extremely difficult to say the least. I hate it so much.

 

Oh, how close I came to sleeping with several women during that time. I honestly felt like it was my right. I had this sense of "what I missed" by dedicating my life to this woman and she pissed all over it. In the end, it wasn't me, I felt bad about hiding it, but not for searching out sex with these other women. I stopped hunting and put my full focus back into my marriage and failed. At the time I just had such a hard time viewing her as someone that would do this after all the years I had thought of her as perfect, as unfair as that is, its how I saw her. The switch to my new reality was too much, that feeling I would get of warmth when I looked at her was replaced by hurt and anger, then disgust and shame lastly to indifference. I was at the time still on the road about 20 days a month and would try to extend each trip longer and longer. The reason for me being there (in the marriage) for my kids was the reason I had to divorce and leave. Me not being there because of her also meant not being there for my kids.

 

At this point, her reaction should be a non factor in your decision. Your mind is made up its time to get it done. No point in putting it off, it won't get easier.

 

I'm sorry man, this sucks and it will get worse, yet also better. You've made the decision that thought should calm you on some levels. Knowing you did your best will allow you to face your daughter when the time comes with your head held high.

 

Thanks man. I do feel like it will get better that's for sure. Lately my thoughts have been wrapped up in my business, kids and where I'm going to live once this book is closed. I've been working hard on this new product and that's what is stalling me out right now. I think around summer time I should be in a way better position. I'm going to shop houses in my neighborhood and think about buying one in the area. Though my wife won't be able to afford much. I'm sure though with her new found alimony and child support she might be able to make something work. Whatever the case I just want my daughter in a clean, healthy environment.

[oldshirt]

Use this as an example of just how easy it is to get sucked into an affair. Might give you some understanding as to just how human your wife really is.

 

The hardest part is the fifteen seconds before the first kiss. From then on, you're in Oz.

 

That's not a fair comparison. Jm's wife was the one that blew up the marriage. He has tried to reconcile for a long time and put good faith effort into reconciliation and is now seemingly coming to the conclusion that the marriage is probably over.

 

Whereas conversely, his wife cheated when they were in a seemingly normal marriage.

 

Those are two different situations under completely different conditions.

[TrustedthenBusted]

That's not a fair comparison. Jm's wife was the one that blew up the marriage. He has tried to reconcile for a long time and put good faith effort into reconciliation and is now seemingly coming to the conclusion that the marriage is probably over.

 

Whereas conversely, his wife cheated when they were in a seemingly normal marriage.

 

Those are two different situations under completely different conditions.

 

I wasn't really comparing, as he hasn't really done anything on par with what she has. I'm just noting that this is how it often starts. You find someone you are interested in, you compare their ups with your partner's downs, and next thing you know you are putting yourself in that new person's path all the time. Advice over coffee... then over lunch, then over the footboard of a hotel Queen size bed.

 

 

 

As an aside:

 

One thing I see here all the time is a BS thinking his marriage was just fine, and a WS thinking her marriage was dying. That was my own experience as well.

[DKT3]

I wasn't really comparing, as he hasn't really done anything on par with what she has. I'm just noting that this is how it often starts. You find someone you are interested in, you compare their ups with your partner's downs, and next thing you know you are putting yourself in that new person's path all the time. Advice over coffee... then over lunch, then over the footboard of a hotel Queen size bed.

 

 

 

As an aside:

 

One thing I see here all the time is a BS thinking his marriage was just fine, and a WS thinking her marriage was dying. That was my own experience as well.

 

The problem is when does the dying REALLY start? Once the WW has become interested in another man or before that? Usually after. The dying marriage is justifaction for the interest, making her feel less responsible.

 

I truly believe the vast majority of BH begin to think an affair after the wifes affair is OK, or less wrong

[Silveron]

I don't know why I feel guilty. There's a gorgeous girl who I started working with who made me realize there's so much opportunity and new things in this world. I feel guilty because my wife I think will make me feel like I'm abandoning my family. At this point it the only thing holding me at home is my daughter. No matter how hard my wife works at it there's no coming back from what she did. I think you need very specific personality types to forgive an affair and move forward. I do not exhibit this personality and I don't think ever in a million years would be able to successfully tuck all this away and have a "happy" marriage. It would be one sided happiness for the most part. I'm talking about a different kind of happiness though I could never get back. I can be happy with my wife but always tormented inside about her affair.

 

 

JM,

 

 

First realize that after this happened there is not just one 'sit down and resolve it' meeting. This is something that is going to affect you for the rest of your life, it doesn't matter if you divorce her or not. Your feelings about this will not change.

 

 

Understand that this is a process. The foundation of your house has been destroyed so it's something that needs to be built again from the ground up. Your emotions as you probably know are a roller coaster. You will have good days and days of wanting to crucify her for what she did.

 

 

Let me ask you this. What can she do to help you? What can she do, what action can she take to help the mental anguish you are going through? At some point you have to realize that you are also destroying yourself when you keep replaying images of those two together. You have to start healing yourself and whether you stay with her or not, it's important that you get your wife to help.

 

 

Trust is earned, not given. She is asking for that chance again. Right now of course you are not in love with her and rightfully so, however that in itself should not be a reason to leave the marriage.

 

 

During this time you also need to do some soul searching on the things that you have done during your marriage that you could've done better. When I was cheated on I had pure hate for about 6 months, until one morning I woke up and realized that I have responsibility that I didn't always attend to. No, it was not a justifiable reason for her to cheat but to better myself I had to figure out what I could do better as well.

 

 

There is no set timeline on when to make the decision to stay or go. However you can work through the pain while also building upon what is left with your wife. I would highly suggest a good marriage counselor so you both could figure out WHY this happened and what can be done so that it doesn't happen again.

[TrustedthenBusted]

The problem is when does the dying REALLY start? Once the WW has become interested in another man or before that? Usually after. The dying marriage is justifaction for the interest, making her feel less responsible.

 

In many instances, quite possibly. In others, there is an existing void that helps elevate otherwise unlikely candidates into Suavio status. But that is a chicken & egg scenario that almost nobody gets to the bottom of.

 

I truly believe the vast majority of BH begin to think an affair after the wifes affair is OK, or less wrong

 

Count me in that group. After D-Day I was ready to slam the ham with anyone I thought wouldn't tase me! Lol.

[jm2013]

To be honest, having my own "affair" wouldn't make me feel like any playing field just got even. She stripped so much from me. All I want to do is live my life and do what I want and when the time is right re-invest in a woman 100%. I want to be proud of my wife. I don't want to have this nagging feeling every time I look at her of how bad she did me wrong. I have no desire to celebrate anything with her. No anniversary nothing. I don't even want to go on a vacation with her because I wouldn't enjoy it. Pretty sad right? She's becoming more of an annoying wife than anything right now.

[drifter777]

To be honest, having my own "affair" wouldn't make me feel like any playing field just got even. She stripped so much from me. All I want to do is live my life and do what I want and when the time is right re-invest in a woman 100%. I want to be proud of my wife. I don't want to have this nagging feeling every time I look at her of how bad she did me wrong. I have no desire to celebrate anything with her. No anniversary nothing. I don't even want to go on a vacation with her because I wouldn't enjoy it. Pretty sad right? She's becoming more of an annoying wife than anything right now.

Its time to end this marriage.

[BetrayedH]

Its time to end this marriage.

 

Agreed. I really don't care how busy you are. Tell an attorney to get the ball rolling. It's takes forever anyway.

[drifter777]

Agreed. I really don't care how busy you are. Tell an attorney to get the ball rolling. It's takes forever anyway.

Just want to add something that I think is really important: your WW needs to start over again too. She can't be happy with where you guys are at this point.

[Selfish]

Jm do you have tendencies towards being passive aggressive. It really stands out to me you always have an excuse on why not to be proactive? It also seems you want her to be the one to pull the plug.

 

Like drifter and bh said. The time is now/

[Selfish]

Oh and what you are having now with this girl is an ea. maybe you feel like your justification has more merit than whatever justification your wife used but... It is still now ownership and justification. End your marriage before carrying on with someone new. Cheating is cheating and there is no way to make it right. You end the marriage (even if it is just setting divorce in motion and verbally ending the marriage and closing the door on it)

 

Did you ever read not just friends?

 

End the EA not for your wife or for this girl but for your own integrity.

[oldshirt]

To be honest, having my own "affair" wouldn't make me feel like any playing field just got even. She stripped so much from me. All I want to do is live my life and do what I want and when the time is right re-invest in a woman 100%. I want to be proud of my wife. I don't want to have this nagging feeling every time I look at her of how bad she did me wrong. I have no desire to celebrate anything with her. No anniversary nothing. I don't even want to go on a vacation with her because I wouldn't enjoy it. Pretty sad right? She's becoming more of an annoying wife than anything right now.

 

I agree with the others. This marriage has reached the point of toxicity. It's holding you both back and making both of your lives worse and not better.

 

I'm guessing she's staying in it for the moment out of guilt and striving for some kind of redemption even though her heart may not be truly in it either.

 

I'm not sure why you are still in it.

 

If you truly feel this way, then I imagine she will be pulling the ejection handle before too long any way. Me thinks that is what you are hoping for as well.