A Feeling Of Guilt - Why I Don't Know

[Selfish]

I think op wants her to have cheated more or still be in contact. Because he thinks that will alleviate his guilt for divorcing. BUT. He needs to get over it. And accept that her affair was enough on its own to damage their relationship beyond repair. Multiple affairs or broken NC aren't needed. He has waited a good long time and so he needs to tell himself that enough is enough and take action to end the sham of a marriage.

 

Her tears are real. She is in pain. I can imagine she hoped time would help heal and probably feels hopeless because nothing she can do will make him love her again. And while I wouldn't encourage the OP to gloat over her misery I would remind him that she is suffering the consequences of her own actions.

 

Ignore the guilt.

[gettingstronger]

Yes, yes, a million times yes!

 

To me I think its a personality type thing- the ability for my husband to compartmentalize is what allowed him to cheat in the first place-my inability to compartmentalize may be the down fall of our reconciliation- he has a hard time understanding how the fact that he has done so much to reconcile does not "erase" his past behaviors- we hit an impasse quite often over it- I see his point but the way I am wired just says, well yes, thats all well and good but you still did XYZ and you are still someone that was capable of doing XYZ and just because you will never do XYZ again and are sorry doesn't make it all fine-

 

The best I can offer you is to be honest- thats what I have done- I have told my husband that the best I can do is to be committed to reconciling as a process, does not mean we will make it through to the other side, just means that I am willing to give it a try- it hurts his feelings, its hard on both of us- the thing that makes it better I think is I am honest, he knows he has as much power as I do to say, enough, I am done, I can not take this any longer-

 

Unlike his A where I had no power, no decision making ability, no honesty we are now on equal footing- we can each make that decision at any time- the risk is equal because honesty is there-

 

I hate that we are unsure of our future because without the A, that would not be the case-all I can say is today, I am committed and will continue to be honest-

[bigman1]

I guess I'm starting to feel like I am going to be the bad guy now if I ask her for a divorce as well. All of our new church friends are probably going to hate me along with the pastors. From an outside view the perception could seem like the divorce was my fault and I wanted it. So I will be the one who will look like I'm abandoning my family to find my own happiness and probably be accused of some hidden affair.

 

Jm2013,

 

Please, please, please keep things in perspetive. Getting divorced or staying married based on what you think people may think is ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS!!!

 

If this thought is how you need to convince yourself to stay, I guarantee that you will be miserable. You, have to work this out based on facts and not speculation.

 

I could be wrong, but I thought that this happened 7 years ago from an earlier post. If its shorter, then maybe you need more time. In either event, if its 7 years, then maybe you need to pull the plug. At a minimum, if you decide to do the DKT3 route, you will know that you WANT HER and not that you NEED her. That will go a long way in restoring your confidence.

 

Bottom line, don't let speculation of how you will be perceived drive what you do because no one is perceiving your pain, no one is living in your house, and no one is going to grow old with you. Church members come and go.

[BetrayedH]

So you think that if a BS stays they continue to eat a **** sandwhich despite the fact he has never came up with one single thing is wife has actually done to show she isn't doing the heavy lifting? That is harsh.

 

The OP feels guilty because r is failing because of him. But, there was only a need for R in the first place because of her actions. He has no desire to try or fall in love again. Every single one of his posts show that. So of course there is guilt. Guilt about who he is. The best thing to do is just accept he is not a man who can forgive and D so that both him and his wife can be happy and whole. Two whole parents who are seperated are far better than the unhealthy imbalance in the home now. His unhappiness and her bending over backwards to right her wrongs create an atmosphere no kids should be forced to live in.

 

i do think some people are a little over the top on their need to be "in the worst pain". Infidelity isn't thee "worst" thing you can do to a marriage. It is one of many. It is apart of many vows that are made. To hold one above the other is just cherry picking. Pain is pain and while infidility is terrible staying in victim mode after years have passed does not help anyone.

 

I do think if one spouse breaks any of the vows in a continued and blatant way the other spouse should divorce them. She broke forsaking all others. But I think that is true for a spouse who no longer loves or cherishes their spouse as well. Turns violent or stops showing affection. Lies and squanders away finances. Won't seek help for an addiction. Or is absent.

 

The buffet was all prepared for him during the affair. It doesn't matter if she doesn't make one more sandwich after Dday. Triggers from the affair, hypervigilance, loss of weight, loss of sleep, obsessive thoughts - they can go on for months or years even if the wayward is "perfect" after Dday.

 

You make it sound like the BS just wills him or herself into a state of victimhood and so we just will ourselves out of it. It's a typical "just get over it" point of view. In my experience, there is no one who wants the BS to get over it more than the BS does. I lost 38 pounds, 25 of them in the first month. It wasn't voluntary. I don't think I slept right for a year. Three different therapists said my symptoms matched PTSD. Lovely. I couldn't stop processing the information (or lack thereof).

 

I realize that there are other dealbreakers in a marriage. But I think infidelity ranks so high on the list because it is a violation of the most basic fundamentals in the marriage. It's more than just your spouse having sex with someone else. Hell, my wife could have suggested an open marriage and while I would have ultimately said no, I would have given it due consideration and not judged her harshly. The real problem was the year (or more) of blatant LIES straight to my face. She was supposed to be the one person I could trust in life to be my partner and protect us but she was in fact enjoying sticking a knife in my back. Does that fact just magically vanish because she's been "perfect" during a reconciliation. Do we just magically start trusting them when they inexplicably change from a betraying and lying cheat to a remorseful "former" wayward? The key, in my humble opinion, is the wayward demonstrating consistent actions over TIME. The natural consequence of betraying someone's trust is that it takes a long time to rebuild it. And having no trust in your partner makes it really tough to commit the rest of your life to them. Don't have the patience for lying in the bed you made? Don't like how long it takes for me to get over your betrayal? There's the door.

[drifter777]

There are some emotional issues that can be treated effectively by cognitive therapy. Change your thinking and you change your feelings. Certain cases of depression and anxiety often respond well to it. PTSD? Not so much. Real trauma generates intrusive thoughts and those thoughts directly affect your feelings. So its cognitive torture.

 

No BS chooses to hold on to the traumatic memories of d-day. No BS wants to remember the lies upon lies. No BS wants to suffer from intrusive thoughts of their spouse having sex with someone else. There are people that are not affected as severly as others by their spouses infidelity - good for them. Most BS' s here at LS are not those people and are suffering with our spouses cheating. Its not a choice.

[Selfish]

The buffet was all prepared for him during the affair. It doesn't matter if she doesn't make one more sandwich after Dday. Triggers from the affair, hypervigilance, loss of weight, loss of sleep, obsessive thoughts - they can go on for months or years even if the wayward is "perfect" after Dday.

 

You make it sound like the BS just wills him or herself into a state of victimhood and so we just will ourselves out of it. It's a typical "just get over it" point of view. In my experience, there is no one who wants the BS to get over it more than the BS does. I lost 38 pounds, 25 of them in the first month. It wasn't voluntary. I don't think I slept right for a year. Three different therapists said my symptoms matched PTSD. Lovely. I couldn't stop processing the information (or lack thereof).

 

I realize that there are other dealbreakers in a marriage. But I think infidelity ranks so high on the list because it is a violation of the most basic fundamentals in the marriage. It's more than just your spouse having sex with someone else. Hell, my wife could have suggested an open marriage and while I would have ultimately said no, I would have given it due consideration and not judged her harshly. The real problem was the year (or more) of blatant LIES straight to my face. She was supposed to be the one person I could trust in life to be my partner and protect us but she was in fact enjoying sticking a knife in my back. Does that fact just magically vanish because she's been "perfect" during a reconciliation. Do we just magically start trusting them when they inexplicably change from a betraying and lying cheat to a remorseful "former" wayward? The key, in my humble opinion, is the wayward demonstrating consistent actions over TIME. The natural consequence of betraying someone's trust is that it takes a long time to rebuild it. And having no trust in your partner makes it really tough to commit the rest of your life to them. Don't have the patience for lying in the bed you made? Don't like how long it takes for me to get over your betrayal? There's the door.

 

Hey, if you want to sensationalize reconciliation by comparing it to a poop buffet go ahead. I just find it harsh and unnecessary. I never said any of the things that you went on and on about. I think maybe you have been staying around here too long and turning jaded. Always though of you as more of the compassionate and empathatic type towards former waywards than this.

 

Don't think anyone "just gets over it" never suggested it. Or hinted at it. But I don't think reconciliation should be compared to eating a **** sandwhich. That should be reserved to people who are staying with waywards who are still cheating or exhibiting red flags. It has been a few years for the OP. He isn't fresh in it anymore. My advice to him is to take some real action in his life (at this point he is past where getting in shape is real action. It is time for him to take action on the real issue). I have said her initial infidelity is more than enough to end the marriage. He doesn't need to wait around for a second time or be hoping she hasn't really done work on herself and become a better person. He wants it to be false on her part very likely because he thinks it will alleviate his guilt. But guilt over this is misplaced and should be ignored. She cheated on him. He waited to see if he could reconcile. He finds that her cheating destroyed his love for her. That is enough to divorce.

 

No need for saying reconciliation is like eating a **** buffet or other sensationalizing dramatics.

[BetrayedH]

i do think some people are a little over the top on their need to be "in the worst pain". Infidelity isn't thee "worst" thing you can do to a marriage. It is one of many. It is apart of many vows that are made. To hold one above the other is just cherry picking. Pain is pain and while infidility is terrible staying in victim mode after years have passed does not help anyone.

 

Selfish, I felt that this ^^^ post minimizes the pain that a BS endures. There ARE some offenses that are worse than others. Infidelity IS worse than a lot of other offenses in a marriage. You've been given two explanations (#1 because the lies and betrayal undermine the foundation and #2 that it can be traumatic). Pain is not pain. Some pain is worse. I went thru 7 years of a sexless marriage before discovering my wife's affair. Infidelity and denial of affection can both be considered dealbreakers. I suffered pain from both. Discovering the infidelity was far, far worse. I have no reason to lie about this. Maybe it's different for other people (yay for them) but I had invested 20 years of my life in that marriage. Every decision was with the best interests of my wife and children in mind. Shame on me perhaps but frankly, I didn't have any other priorities. My marriage and kids were the priority. And that was all nuked in a day and I couldn't do anything about it. Worse yet, it wasn't perpetrated by one of my enemies but by my partner. And the lives of MY KIDS hung in the balance. I should have been allowed to just leave (no brainer, right?) but I couldn't because I had to salvage whatever I could for them; they were innocent in all of this. Being torn in two different directions, having no playbook, having my wife and kids and life hanging in the balance, and having no real idea about what is actually true or a lie during a "reconciliation" - it was TRAUMATIC. And yes, it was "worse" than anything else I had ever been through. It still takes the cake.

 

As for my sh*t sandwich analogy, you can be dismissive and call it sensational if you like but there's nothing decidedly harsh about it. Frankly, I am compassionate towards many former waywards. I think in many cases they were just broken and vulnerable people that made a horrible choice (one that they regret immensely). I empathize a lot with that position and don't envy them. And I think that being broken and making a mistake (even a horrible one) is a forgivable offense when accompanied by true remorse. Some of my favorite posters around here are waywards. But they still get it that it that being a BS during a reconciliation SUCKS. Regardless of what the wayward does, the years that follow can be a triggery and self-doubting mess because it takes years to rebuild trust after a bunch of lying and deceiving. I'm not trying to be harsh to a wayward with that statement; that's just the natural consequence (when you lie, people tend to struggle with thinking you might just be a liar). I think a sh*t sandwich buffet might have been easier because I could just do it and it'd be over.

 

If you wanna advise the OP to divorce, go for it. You may well be right that he's just not one who can forgive. Personally, I just think it's ok to take your time because I recognize that it takes years for a BS to feel safe enough to commit to anything more than just not leaving. And many waywards "get it" that just sticking around is a gift and they patiently wait for the BS to feel safe enough to be back in with both feet. Frankly, I think that's the best process. There's no instant, cheap forgiveness but instead the person that violated the trust of their spouse does the long and hard work of rebuilding it. It may take years and it may suck for both people but if they both want the marriage long term, it's the best way to go. My hope is that she wins him over and considering that it's what she wants, I think I'm empathizing with her just fine.

 

I just don't think the OP needs to feel guilty if it doesn't work because he didn't put this situation into motion and he doesn't really hold any power, even though it may seem that he does. The reality is that he can leave at any time and so can she. But they both choose to stay. They are each making their own choices and doing it with their eyes open. Unless someone is lying or tricking the other person into staying, no one needs to feel guilty.

[gettingstronger]

Maybe this will help clarify- one night we had a particularly difficult argument and the convo went something like this-

 

H- You are just looking for a reason to leave, you keep bringing all this stuff up and won't let go of it-you just want to leave and not be the bad guy

 

Me- Are you fuc^king kidding me- I have a reason to leave, YOU are the bad guy not me- what I am looking for is a reason to stay

 

ding, ding, ding- light bulb-

[Rainbowlove]

I just think it's ok to take your time because I recognize that it takes years for a BS to feel safe enough to commit to anything more than just not leaving. And many waywards "get it" that just sticking around is a gift and they patiently wait for the BS to feel safe enough to be back in with both feet. Frankly, I think that's the best process. There's no instant, cheap forgiveness but instead the person that violated the trust of their spouse does the long and hard work of rebuilding it.

 

There's something about the above that's not sitting right with me. I think it's okay to take your time if:

 

The BS is saying...I want to make this work. I want to forgive. I want to save our marriage. I want to work together to move past the infidelity.

 

The OP is not saying anything like that...he's saying just the opposite. In fact, he's saying...now is not the right time for him to proceed with divorce b/c his life is too busy...

 

If my BS felt the way he did, I wouldn't stick around waiting for her. Honestly, I wouldn't. If she was looking ahead and only saw her life without me (as the OP has said), I'd be out. Because there's no real healing going on for anyone.

 

I wonder has he told his wife that it's inconvenient for his life right now to proceed with divorce? But once his business deals settle, divorce looks possible.

 

She was wrong with her infidelty. It was sh itty of her to lie and sleep around...no doubt. With that said, it also is sh itty to stay with someone b/c now is not the right time in life to face divorce.

 

If you want to make it work, put both feet in. If you don't, let her go and let her heal without you.

 

She has a choice to stay, but if you are being that real with her about when it's convenient for you to divorce her, I doubt she'd choose to stay and wait for you to be ready to divorce, or at least I hope not.

[badkarma2013]

So you think that if a BS stays they continue to eat a **** sandwhich despite the fact he has never came up with one single thing is wife has actually done to show she isn't doing the heavy lifting? That is harsh.

 

The OP feels guilty because r is failing because of him. But, there was only a need for R in the first place because of her actions. He has no desire to try or fall in love again. Every single one of his posts show that. So of course there is guilt. Guilt about who he is. The best thing to do is just accept he is not a man who can forgive and D so that both him and his wife can be happy and whole. Two whole parents who are seperated are far better than the unhealthy imbalance in the home now. His unhappiness and her bending over backwards to right her wrongs create an atmosphere no kids should be forced to live in.

 

i do think some people are a little over the top on their need to be "in the worst pain". Infidelity isn't thee "worst" thing you can do to a marriage. It is one of many. It is apart of many vows that are made. To hold one above the other is just cherry picking. Pain is pain and while infidility is terrible staying in victim mode after years have passed does not help anyone.

 

I do think if one spouse breaks any of the vows in a continued and blatant way the other spouse should divorce them. She broke forsaking all others. But I think that is true for a spouse who no longer loves or cherishes their spouse as well. Turns violent or stops showing affection. Lies and squanders away finances. Won't seek help for an addiction. Or is absent.

 

 

 

*****************************************************************

 

No...What is harsh is his WW chose to lie ,deceive and betray him....Thats what is harsh...

 

Again you are so wrong....Infidelity IS the worst pain for most BHS here....

 

As most of These type of comments..."Spoken Like a TRUE WW"

[BetrayedH]

There's something about the above that's not sitting right with me. I think it's okay to take your time if:

 

The BS is saying...I want to make this work. I want to forgive. I want to save our marriage. I want to work together to move past the infidelity.

 

The OP is not saying anything like that...he's saying just the opposite. In fact, he's saying...now is not the right time for him to proceed with divorce b/c his life is too busy...

 

If my BS felt the way he did, I wouldn't stick around waiting for her. Honestly, I wouldn't. If she was looking ahead and only saw her life without me (as the OP has said), I'd be out. Because there's no real healing going on for anyone.

 

I wonder has he told his wife that it's inconvenient for his life right now to proceed with divorce? But once his business deals settle, divorce looks possible.

 

She was wrong with her infidelty. It was sh itty of her to lie and sleep around...no doubt. With that said, it also is sh itty to stay with someone b/c now is not the right time in life to face divorce.

 

If you want to make it work, put both feet in. If you don't, let her go and let her heal without you.

 

She has a choice to stay, but if you are being that real with her about when it's convenient for you to divorce her, I doubt she'd choose to stay and wait for you to be ready to divorce, or at least I hope not.

 

Agreed. In my case, I did 'want' things to work out, even if I wasn't sure they would. I had made a decision to try. And I do think that situation remains the case for quite a while for a lot of couples that successfully reconcile. One thing that seems fairly consistent is that waywards are over it way before the BS and there gets to be this pressure to hurry up and decide and be done with it. In my opinion, that doesn't work. In this case, it's coming from other posters rather than the WS. I think fast is slow and slow is fast.

 

But I do wholeheartedly agree that if the BH is just biding his time waiting for a convenient time to D, and particularly if he's not being open and honest about it, then it's wrong and cruel. I got the impression that the OP is on the fence (and I think that's ok and so is a wayward waiting for the outcome) but if I'm wrong and the OP is decided upon divorce (and not being clear) then he may have good reason to feel guilty.

 

On a side note, I doubt there's any convenient time to divorce.

[Clay]

Time is the only friend a BS has. Some WS's will never learn. I think instead of pointing at the BS and saying get over it maybe this could have all been avoided if the WS was a better person to be begin with and truly that's where the problem really lies. If the WS does not figure out what is wrong with them and what made them do such a horrible thing to begin with then the BS is doomed to live with a false Reconciliation.

 

OP I have followed your thread for a long time. I know things have been hard but take all the time you need. Its now time for you to be selfish and take care of yourself. If your marriage fails it was never you fault. You can live with the knowledge you did everything you can to save it. That is all anyone can really ask. I tried for years to get my xW to go to counseling and try to better herself in the end its all on her.

 

On the other side of this know one thing. Being away from a cheater is great. I life has been great since. Sure I still have my hang-ups and they do suck but I have achieved so many of my goals that I never thought I would have. I have a life time dream that I am all set to realize as of the first of next year. This year is all on me now. If i fail this year its because of me and no one else. I have no intention on failing.

 

I hope today is a better day for you.

 

Clay

[autumnnight]

I am sorry you are struggling

Edited January 16, 2015 by autumnnight

[Selfish]

Just remember that in people "fear" of pain being minimized they often maximize.

 

I never minimized his pain. I merely pointed out his wrong mindset of infidelity being thee worst thing anyone can do to a marriageis wrong. It is one of many. It may be the worst thing that happened in his marriage but it isn't universally thee worst. He is over two years past. Instead of the coddeling he gets from like minded people he needs some tough love. He is miserable. He has admitted to being miserable. He is not on the fence about his feelings for his wife. He seems to know now that the affair killed their marriage and he can't come back from it. Thousands of people stay in unhappy marriages because of guilt or they hope things will magically get better without any workmor effort on their part.

 

If reconciliation is truly eating a poo buffet over two years last then the OP needs to wall away from that buffet. He needs to take action. Why is that so hard to understand? Why is that encouragement minimizing? If he truly is on the fence and actually is putting an effort into rekindling the marriage then his posts here then his posts give a misleading impression. Sometimes, people need to remove themselves from the pain and actually take a less emotional look at a situation.

 

She destroyed the marriage. He seems to be waiting for her to put the nails in the coffin because he is immobolized. If he wants to regain his life it is time to take action. Not wait for her to slip up. Not look for more wrong from her.

 

Happy parents making good life choices are better than miserable parents in a sham of a marriage.

 

A sham created by her. For those who don't like what I say merelt because of my "label"

[atreides]

One thing that seems fairly consistent is that waywards are over it way before the BS and there gets to be this pressure to hurry up and decide and be done with it. In my opinion, that doesn't work.

 

So true, this should be pinned. The BS never got to decide beforehand and waywards try to take that away afterwards.

 

There is nothing more "cruel" or lack of "compassion" in those instances to use words from this thread.

 

 

I think the OP is honestly still undecided and we are seeing one side of the pendulum swing here. One day the WS is the devil, the next something tolerable and the next your spouse once again to only swing back the other way.

 

Waywards, many of them don't get that... it goes hand in hand with the quote above.

 

Frankly it is in the BS's court to decide the rules for R as they are the side of the marriage that now has to be "re-earned" however, the WS has to be willing and from the BS side an honest effort. However, that effort can swing and with time the stride of the swing hopefully steadies to something more favorable for recovery.

 

To the OP if you have indeed made up your mind and not simply "swinging emotions", there is never a good time to D, you do more damage to yourself and compound it by "acting like a wayward" in being deceitful and manipulative by not revealing what is true.

[Clay]

Just remember that in people "fear" of pain being minimized they often maximize.

 

I never minimized his pain. I merely pointed out his wrong mindset of infidelity being thee worst thing anyone can do to a marriageis wrong. It is one of many. It may be the worst thing that happened in his marriage but it isn't universally thee worst. He is over two years past. Instead of the coddeling he gets from like minded people he needs some tough love. He is miserable. He has admitted to being miserable. He is not on the fence about his feelings for his wife. He seems to know now that the affair killed their marriage and he can't come back from it. Thousands of people stay in unhappy marriages because of guilt or they hope things will magically get better without any workmor effort on their part.

 

If reconciliation is truly eating a poo buffet over two years last then the OP needs to wall away from that buffet. He needs to take action. Why is that so hard to understand? Why is that encouragement minimizing? If he truly is on the fence and actually is putting an effort into rekindling the marriage then his posts here then his posts give a misleading impression. Sometimes, people need to remove themselves from the pain and actually take a less emotional look at a situation.

 

She destroyed the marriage. He seems to be waiting for her to put the nails in the coffin because he is immobolized. If he wants to regain his life it is time to take action. Not wait for her to slip up. Not look for more wrong from her.

 

Happy parents making good life choices are better than miserable parents in a sham of a marriage.

 

A sham created by her. For those who don't like what I say merelt because of my "label"

 

I don't mind what you say. I just think your wrong. OP has never said he just wanted to end the Marriage. He has stuck with her from the start even when everyone else including me told him to get out. So your assumption that he is just waiting for her to fail again I think is wrong. The part where he said he just doesn't check her phone anymore is because you honestly just get tired of feeling like you have to watch every step someone else is making and a part of you starts to feel indifference about it. This coupled with the guilt of knowing this are falling apart before your eyes and you have no control over any of it.

 

He just needs more time to heal.

 

Clay

[jm2013]

Thanks everybody for your input. I'm not hiding anything from my wife. She knows how I feel I just don't think she wants that to be the reality of what we are. Each affair is different as well. My wife operate an LTA over a year behind my back filled with sex and love. It wasn't fair and contradictory of what a marriage is supposed to be. There are things I go back and get pissed about. I remember getting mad about her depriving our marriage of sex and her excuse was "she had problems down there". Yeah, you sure did. You had somebody else's D problem down there. I'm still bitter about it and faced a true reality that the real probabilities of me getting over this and moving on are slim to none which has already been expressed. I told her she should go find somebody to fill the 100% she needs but she feels confident we are going to work for some reason.

 

The reason I feel guilty is because she is trying and I can't. Initially I was more happy than now. Like the other said. There was no plan book to this. It is extremely variable. I'll also re-iterate this too. I've got things going on right now where it would be a complete disruption to initiate a divorce. My mind would be taken off and into other places. Sometimes I do feel like I'm sitting on the fence on it. Some days I want to be there and some I don't. Strangest feelings. My wife initially did everything a WS SHOULD NOT do.

 

1. Broke NC multiple times and lied to me
   
2. Lied about love, sex and the affair (which I'm sure she continues to do)
   
3. Initially almost blamed me for her to be vulnerable and engage an affair
   
4. Chose her whacky family over trying to comfort me in the beginning
   
5. Decided to give me the "real" number of times they had sex only last summer
   
6. Lied about why she unblocked him from Facebook last December
   

 

And the humility...

 

Bringing me around AP many times and trying to get us to be friends? Who the hell does that? If I had an affair I would in no way want my wife around my AP at all. Recycling all the stuff she said during her affair makes my stomach turn knowing she was really that person. She brought me down as much as she could during that time as a man. She would constantly tell me how much she loves blue eyes which he has.. I have brown. She would tell me "real men can wear pink". I question what happened between them which made things go sour. She still hasn't come clean about it yet. They probably broke up like a boyfriend and girlfriend. I remember her saying "he's a liar" so I am wondering if when I found out HE was the one who told her good luck you're on your own. She seemed to have to built up resentment toward him for something.

 

I also question if they are still in contact even if it is lightly like - "How have you been?". I have that weird feelings.. Perhaps things are still there on the back burner waiting to be re-ignited if our marriage does fail completely. On my Facebook friend suggestion a random profile keeps coming up I had no idea who it was. No matching friends or anything. It was a local cleaning business. I checked its friend list and coming to find out my wife's AP's mom was on it. I concluded he was managing this account. I confronted my wife about it and told her who it was and how I knew because the account has his mom as a friend. This damn things keeps coming up. I scoped it out last week and his mom is gone from the friends. Coincidence?

 

I told my wife I thought they were still communicating and she went into freak out denial mode. The same mode was in when I first found out about her affair. I don't know what is real what is true. I also wonder if she's using our faith to brand build if you will to make me look like the bad person instead of her if our marriage falters. I think our church involvement is piling the guilt on to my shoulders.

[Selfish]

Well I have never seen him post anything that suggest he has put in any effort towards reconciliation. I suppose we can "assume" he is. But i posted based on what people post. Not based on my own feelings projected onto the op or assumptions of what he never mentions.

 

It seems to me his biggest issue from his actual posts is guilt his child and perhaps being passive Aggresive. I just think if he is so tortured from eating "the poop buffet" of reconciliation he might be in a better place if he now takes action of some sort. He gave it time. Nothing has changed. He is not healing. Nothing wrong with walking away.

 

He has stopped checking because he believes she is using her work computer. He might be right or he might not be. But I still think he wants her to screw up in some way. Because he thinks it will make him feel less guilt over not loving her anymore. And one of my points to him is it doesn't matter. He doesn't need to feel guilty for her one time infidelity destroying the marriage in the first place.

[Clay]

Its they little things that just eat you to death. You are just going to have to draw a line in the sand and say If I see one more thing like this we are done. You can not live like this forever wondering if she is really commit to you. I would even suggest you make her take a poly and prove she is not talking to him. Get some of the other answers you need at the same time. This might actually help you move on from this and let some of this go.

 

I just feel horrible for you. If you have a beer fund online let me know. Ill donate

 

Clay

[jm2013]

Well I have never seen him post anything that suggest he has put in any effort towards reconciliation. I suppose we can "assume" he is. But i posted based on what people post. Not based on my own feelings projected onto the op or assumptions of what he never mentions.

 

It seems to me his biggest issue from his actual posts is guilt his child and perhaps being passive Aggresive. I just think if he is so tortured from eating "the poop buffet" of reconciliation he might be in a better place if he now takes action of some sort. He gave it time. Nothing has changed. He is not healing. Nothing wrong with walking away.

 

He has stopped checking because he believes she is using her work computer. He might be right or he might not be. But I still think he wants her to screw up in some way. Because he thinks it will make him feel less guilt over not loving her anymore. And one of my points to him is it doesn't matter. He doesn't need to feel guilty for her one time infidelity destroying the marriage in the first place.

 

 

In the beginning I came back to my home, well, because it was my home and I was still paying for it. I moved out for a few months. I came back and re-iterated to my wife it was not a reconciliation. It kind of morphed into it if you will. I told her I was pretty much day to day and she accepted it and told me each day with me is a blessing. Even in my Christian faith I'm finding it hard to move on with her. I told her I can extend forgiveness but it wouldn't mean we were going to reconcile. She asked me a week ago if I thought forgiving her would make it easier to cope with. Sometimes I just don't understand the words that come out of her mouth.

[Selfish]

Thanks everybody for your input. I'm not hiding anything from my wife. She knows how I feel I just don't think she wants that to be the reality of what we are. Each affair is different as well. My wife operate an LTA over a year behind my back filled with sex and love. It wasn't fair and contradictory of what a marriage is supposed to be. There are things I go back and get pissed about. I remember getting mad about her depriving our marriage of sex and her excuse was "she had problems down there". Yeah, you sure did. You had somebody else's D problem down there. I'm still bitter about it and faced a true reality that the real probabilities of me getting over this and moving on are slim to none which has already been expressed. I told her she should go find somebody to fill the 100% she needs but she feels confident we are going to work for some reason.

 

The reason I feel guilty is because she is trying and I can't. Initially I was more happy than now. Like the other said. There was no plan book to this. It is extremely variable. I'll also re-iterate this too. I've got things going on right now where it would be a complete disruption to initiate a divorce. My mind would be taken off and into other places. Sometimes I do feel like I'm sitting on the fence on it. Some days I want to be there and some I don't. Strangest feelings. My wife initially did everything a WS SHOULD NOT do.

 

1. Broke NC multiple times and lied to me
   
2. Lied about love, sex and the affair (which I'm sure she continues to do)
   
3. Initially almost blamed me for her to be vulnerable and engage an affair
   
4. Chose her whacky family over trying to comfort me in the beginning
   
5. Decided to give me the "real" number of times they had sex only last summer
   
6. Lied about why she unblocked him from Facebook last December
   

 

And the humility...

 

Bringing me around AP many times and trying to get us to be friends? Who the hell does that? If I had an affair I would in no way want my wife around my AP at all. Recycling all the stuff she said during her affair makes my stomach turn knowing she was really that person. She brought me down as much as she could during that time as a man. She would constantly tell me how much she loves blue eyes which he has.. I have brown. She would tell me "real men can wear pink". I question what happened between them which made things go sour. She still hasn't come clean about it yet. They probably broke up like a boyfriend and girlfriend. I remember her saying "he's a liar" so I am wondering if when I found out HE was the one who told her good luck you're on your own. She seemed to have to built up resentment toward him for something.

 

I also question if they are still in contact even if it is lightly like - "How have you been?". I have that weird feelings.. Perhaps things are still there on the back burner waiting to be re-ignited if our marriage does fail completely. On my Facebook friend suggestion a random profile keeps coming up I had no idea who it was. No matching friends or anything. It was a local cleaning business. I checked its friend list and coming to find out my wife's AP's mom was on it. I concluded he was managing this account. I confronted my wife about it and told her who it was and how I knew because the account has his mom as a friend. This damn things keeps coming up. I scoped it out last week and his mom is gone from the friends. Coincidence?

 

I told my wife I thought they were still communicating and she went into freak out denial mode. The same mode was in when I first found out about her affair. I don't know what is real what is true. I also wonder if she's using our faith to brand build if you will to make me look like the bad person instead of her if our marriage falters. I think our church involvement is piling the guilt on to my shoulders.

 

People always have excuses why they can't divorce now. How long can you wait? Will there be a "good" time? And why don't you go the poly route? It is a simple question "do you still communicate with x". And if she is what would you do right now?

 

Waywards don't have a handbook. Dday can bring some pretty big slip ups. It is easier to do things right without being caught because you have your head on straight. I believe you said she offered to do a poly to show you she is now telling the truth. I also believe you said she cut her family off which is a huge deal. So obviously she has in some ways chose you over many things. She is a pretty messed up person if she has went through all this and is still in contact with the AP.

If you would end things today if the affair was still on and you would be done then I think you should be done without knowing that because there is no way for you to have your paranoia reassured. because you won't poly her (and you probably are one of those people who think polies are easy to beat which they aren't nowadays) you will always be checking up on her. It isn't healthy for you.

 

I wouldn't say you are on the fence about actually loving her and wanting to be with her. I think it is just your lifestyle. And thats okay for some but it seems to be eating you up inside.

 

Perhaps you need to worn on acceptance. For true healing a BS has to get there (stay or go). Accept the fact she cheated and nothing is going to take it way. Accept the fact that all those things you said happened and nothing will change it. Accept the fact that this is your history now.

[Rainbowlove]

Thanks everybody for your input. I'm not hiding anything from my wife. She knows how I feel I just don't think she wants that to be the reality of what we are. Each affair is different as well. My wife operate an LTA over a year behind my back filled with sex and love. It wasn't fair and contradictory of what a marriage is supposed to be. There are things I go back and get pissed about. I remember getting mad about her depriving our marriage of sex and her excuse was "she had problems down there". Yeah, you sure did. You had somebody else's D problem down there. I'm still bitter about it and faced a true reality that the real probabilities of me getting over this and moving on are slim to none which has already been expressed. I told her she should go find somebody to fill the 100% she needs but she feels confident we are going to work for some reason.

 

The reason I feel guilty is because she is trying and I can't. Initially I was more happy than now. Like the other said. There was no plan book to this. It is extremely variable. I'll also re-iterate this too. I've got things going on right now where it would be a complete disruption to initiate a divorce. My mind would be taken off and into other places. Sometimes I do feel like I'm sitting on the fence on it. Some days I want to be there and some I don't. Strangest feelings. My wife initially did everything a WS SHOULD NOT do.

 

1. Broke NC multiple times and lied to me
   
2. Lied about love, sex and the affair (which I'm sure she continues to do)
   
3. Initially almost blamed me for her to be vulnerable and engage an affair
   
4. Chose her whacky family over trying to comfort me in the beginning
   
5. Decided to give me the "real" number of times they had sex only last summer
   
6. Lied about why she unblocked him from Facebook last December
   

 

And the humility...

 

Bringing me around AP many times and trying to get us to be friends? Who the hell does that? If I had an affair I would in no way want my wife around my AP at all. Recycling all the stuff she said during her affair makes my stomach turn knowing she was really that person. She brought me down as much as she could during that time as a man. She would constantly tell me how much she loves blue eyes which he has.. I have brown. She would tell me "real men can wear pink". I question what happened between them which made things go sour. She still hasn't come clean about it yet. They probably broke up like a boyfriend and girlfriend. I remember her saying "he's a liar" so I am wondering if when I found out HE was the one who told her good luck you're on your own. She seemed to have to built up resentment toward him for something.

 

I also question if they are still in contact even if it is lightly like - "How have you been?". I have that weird feelings.. Perhaps things are still there on the back burner waiting to be re-ignited if our marriage does fail completely. On my Facebook friend suggestion a random profile keeps coming up I had no idea who it was. No matching friends or anything. It was a local cleaning business. I checked its friend list and coming to find out my wife's AP's mom was on it. I concluded he was managing this account. I confronted my wife about it and told her who it was and how I knew because the account has his mom as a friend. This damn things keeps coming up. I scoped it out last week and his mom is gone from the friends. Coincidence?

 

I told my wife I thought they were still communicating and she went into freak out denial mode. The same mode was in when I first found out about her affair. I don't know what is real what is true. I also wonder if she's using our faith to brand build if you will to make me look like the bad person instead of her if our marriage falters. I think our church involvement is piling the guilt on to my shoulders.

 

None of this says you are in the marriage in anyway. All of this is you are done.

 

The guilt you are feeling is not yours to bear. You have to find a way to move beyond it. If you can't find a way to be in the marriage, you can't and that's your reality. But...you are leaving it to your wife to be responsible for ending something she says she wants to save.

 

You are the one that's done...not her, so you have to be the one to say...it's done between us.

 

From what you write, you are done. It's clear. As long as you are willing to stay in the marriage for whatever reason, you will not have peace.

 

There is no good time to divorce. There will always be a reason to put it off. You will have to find a way to dig down deep and cut the cord, pull the plug, stop the bleeding...

 

So you both can move on...and find healing. Otherwise, you'll be stuck in it forever.

[Selfish]

In the beginning I came back to my home, well, because it was my home and I was still paying for it. I moved out for a few months. I came back and re-iterated to my wife it was not a reconciliation. It kind of morphed into it if you will. I told her I was pretty much day to day and she accepted it and told me each day with me is a blessing. Even in my Christian faith I'm finding it hard to move on with her. I told her I can extend forgiveness but it wouldn't mean we were going to reconcile. She asked me a week ago if I thought forgiving her would make it easier to cope with. Sometimes I just don't understand the words that come out of her mouth.

 

What christian faith are you apart of? Because I a pretty sure infidelity in most christian based ones is the acceptable answer to cheating (jesus' words and all)

 

I also think you can forgive someone but not reconcile. Not want her to go to hell, form a good co-parenting relationship, ect.

 

If your church condemns divorce no matter the circumstance then I think it might be time to find a new one or quit going. You can have a faith in God without a man established organization.

[aliveagain]

Is what you have now really worth the work you need to do to keep it? Why is it you that has to prove the affair is not still going on? Is this what you expected your married life would look like? The O/M or the ghost of the O/M will always be there somewhere, again, is it worth the work to you? What did you win at the end of the day, is this the person you see yourself growing old with? Do you really know this person after all these years, do you feel safe? How will you deal with the imbalance her affair created?

[badkarma2013]

Is what you have now really worth the work you need to do to keep it? Why is it you that has to prove the affair is not still going on? Is this what you expected your married life would look like? The O/M or the ghost of the O/M will always be there somewhere, again, is it worth the work to you? What did you win at the end of the day, is this the person you see yourself growing old with? Do you really know this person after all these years, do you feel safe? How will you deal with the imbalance her affair created?

 

You are so right...as I have stated and read...The ghost of the OM never leaves most Bhs...

 

If your WW does EVERYTHING in her power to help one heal and follows the WS script PERFECT....She can NEVER EVER unfu%k the OM EVER..

 

and that is most BHs undoing...once found..There is NO going back ...