A Feeling Of Guilt - Why I Don't Know

[elaine567]

This pretty much sums this all up^^^^^^^^^^^

 

You are looking for way out that doesn't have any discomfort, inconvenience, cost, bad feelings and disruption.

 

Sorry, it doesn't work that.

 

All options will carry a cost and have their own set of hardships. The best you can do is decide which will suck the least in the long run, then grit your teeth and do it.

 

The issue with the OP is that HE has to make the decision to end it, over something that was not of his making, not his fault.

He is now the "bad" guy in the marriage, the tables have been neatly turned in the wife's favour, it appears.

She is the one now firmly ensconced in the marriage and he is now the outsider.

Even the pastor will laud the wife for her "remorse" and her attempts to reconcile the marriage. She is now the dutiful wife and the OP is now the potential home wrecker.

The sinner repenteth, she needs forgiven and brought back to the fold, not cast out into the wilderness...

 

" there is more joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven't strayed away!"

 

What a dreadful situation for the OP to be in, perhaps another reason to file for divorce on D day, at least the right person gets the flak.

[drifter777]

The issue with the OP is that HE has to make the decision to end it, over something that was not of his making, not his fault.

He is now the "bad" guy in the marriage, the tables have been neatly turned in the wife's favour, it appears.

She is the one now firmly ensconced in the marriage and he is now the outsider.

Even the pastor will laud the wife for her "remorse" and her attempts to reconcile the marriage. She is now the dutiful wife and the OP is now the potential home wrecker.

The sinner repenteth, she needs forgiven and brought back to the fold, not cast out into the wilderness...

 

" there is more joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven't strayed away!"

 

What a dreadful situation for the OP to be in, perhaps another reason to file for divorce on D day, at least the right person gets the flak.

Well, yeah maybe. But I can also see OP saying "I tried for two years but I just couldn't get past her cheating". Other than her family or some preacher I don't see people thinking he is the bad guy.

[jm2013]

Thanks all. I told her it is done. We are going to a counseling session and I'll lay it all out there. Selfish, I don't consider myself married. Rings were liquidated and the marriage means nothing to me. It died September 2013 when I found out about my wife's affair. It's dead to me. I could care less if it is still recognized by the state. Even if I banged another woman senseless I wouldn't carry an ounce of guilt. I do not plan on being sexually active with my wife anyways. She's a complete turn off anymore and needs to move on with her own life and find somebody else or go be with the AP.

 

I think Elaine painted a perfect picture of how this is all going to turn out. I'm going to get blamed because she has "repented" and went from sin to no sin or whatever she did. I don't even have a clue. For all I know she's still talking to her OM. Who knows. This whole thing is getting annoying to me. I kind of wish I was in my own place right now living in freedom. Here's to the next step and what I'm going to have to do here soon. I'm hoping another year passes I can start posting happy things after infidelity. While I'm laying there with somebody else I won't be able to help but feel an overwhelming relief overcome my mind, body and soul. The past year has been an emotional wreck and started to just exhaust me. I'm done.

Edited January 28, 2015 by jm2013

[DKT3]

Thanks all. I told her it is done. We are going to a counseling session and I'll lay it all out there. Selfish, I don't consider myself married. Rings were liquidated and the marriage means nothing to me. It died September 2013 when I found out about my wife's affair. It's dead to me. I could care less if it is still recognized by the state. Even if I banged another woman senseless I wouldn't carry an ounce of guilt. I do not plan on being sexually active with my wife anyways. She's a complete turn off anymore and needs to move on with her own life and find somebody else or go be with the AP.

 

I think Elaine painted a perfect picture of how this is all going to turn out. I'm going to get blamed because she has "repented" and went from sin to no sin or whatever she did. I don't even have a clue. For all I know she's still talking to her OM. Who knows. This whole thing is getting annoying to me. I kind of wish I was in my own place right now living in freedom. Here's to the next step and what I'm going to have to do here soon. I'm hoping another year passes I can start posting happy things after infidelity. While I'm laying there with somebody else I won't be able to help but feel an overwhelming relief overcome my mind, body and soul. The past year has been an emotional wreck and started to just exhaust me. I'm done.

 

How did she react?

 

I ask because from what you've posted before I doubt she will give up, I guessing she will try to shame you into staying. Hold firm to your decision.

 

Don't give Selfish too much thought, she is of the belief that the BS has to raise above whatever crap they were feed on that s h I t sandwich and gulp it down in one bite, then move on.

Edited January 28, 2015 by DKT3

[Selfish]

How did she react?

 

I ask because from what you've posted before I doubt she will give up, I guessing she will try to shame you into staying. Hold firm to your decision.

 

Don't give Selfish too much thought, she is of the belief that the BS has to raise above whatever crap they were feed on that s h I t sandwich and gulp it down in one bite, then move on.

 

Awww how sweet of you DK. I love you too.

 

Thanks for the answer Jim,

 

Your marriage isn't over until you say it is over. Keeping your wife on the hook in "reconcilation" and banging someone else would be cheating. Anything else is just self justification. You feel guilty for actually getting honest with your wife over the fact that she destroyed your marriage and there is no going back but yet you wouldn't feel guilty for cheating on her? See how messed up your thinking has got in this toxic enviroment?

 

No where on the bible does it say you have to remain married to a remorseful adulterer. So you don't have to abandon your faith to do that. Just maybe your pastor.

 

As to the EA. Because people are all on your side in this including me (the marriageis over and it really doesn't matter how sorry your stbxw is) . Say a woman comes on here and says she met this really great guy. He is funny smart and they really connect. Problem is he is living with his wife. They don't sleep together anymore because she cheated on him. He tried to make it work but is miserable and plans to leave when the time is right. If we are talking and sharing with each other is this really wrong?

 

Pretty much everyone's advice would be yes. Until the man clearly seperates (i'm not talking legally because I realize that in some places that can take a lot longer) to stay away from him. That there is a reason he is still at home.

 

Now say this wayward posts and says that her husband decided to give her a shot at reconciliation but after two years he is chatting it up and being chunmy with one of his hot coworkers is that an EA? Maybe not as many people, but still a lot would tell her yes, as long as he reconciliation was on the table it is cheating.

 

So that was my point in that. People miss seeing it from all sides because they lack the ability to put themsleves outside of the situation. And while a lot of people would agree with you that the vows were null and void when she cheated. That is just self justification for crappy behaviour. Your Vows are null and void when you took reconciliation verbally off the table and put divorce/seperation into motion at the very least.

 

You have been severely damaged by your wife's actions. You need to heal. But positive actions (not actions that mimic her poor behaviour) are the healthier way to heal. my advice is if you go seeking sex since you made it clear to your stbxw that the marriage is over is to keep it casual and recreational. You aren't going to find healing in another woman's arms without first getting rid of your baggage (your ex wife and what she did to you). Focus on your daughter and creating a new life for you.

 

Your wife will probably get desperate. She obviously doesn't want to lose you. But that isn't your concern. That flippant attitude about how you wouldn't feel guilty over having cheated? Apply that to this divorce (which is far more logical). Don't let her guilt you. She screwed up really bad and she probably thought that after this much time you would make it. You being there kept the hope alive in her that she could make things right. So now she has to face the fact that she can't. But if you do care about her even a little making this break is in the end what is best for her to. It doesn't just set you free of a woman you don't love, respect or trust. It also sets her free from a husband whose resentment is only growing.

 

Keep moving forward. Keep working on your baggage and yourself. And try not to dwell (though it is so very hard) on the past that can't be changed. Your actions or hers.

[Selfish]

Don't give Selfish too much thought, she is of the belief that the BS has to raise above whatever crap they were feed on that s h I t sandwich and gulp it down in one bite, then move on.

 

Okay this really bothered me. You are puttinf words in my mouth. I am attacked and belittled for my opinion on here not because what I say is wrong but because over five years ago I slept with another man. My past is my past and I am not proud of it. i have never once encouraged jm to eat a sh t sandwhich (and really you guys, you like to overuse that one). And he seems to not mind my posts or he could you know, put me on ignore. In fact he answers.

 

What I have done was encouraged him to make choices he can be proud of. He is a BS two years past DDay. Not someone just recently cheated on. He needs encouragement to take positve actions on his life. Not coddeling and hand holding and "there, there, it doesn't matter what you do. She was the whore"

 

Sorry, i believe everyone takes responsibility for their own actions and should strive to rise above the crap around them. Not wallow in self pity and misplaced guilt. Maybe we disagree on some points but I most certainly don't think I deserved your attack.

 

I will always believe people should be encouraged to be honest, decent and kind. But also firm when needed. If hardball is required then so be it. I do not think a partner cheating excuses all behavior (it just makes it more understandandable) just like I don't think a crappy spouse excuses cheating.

 

When have I told him to just eat his sht sandwhich and move on?

 

I think I have encouraged him to get out of his hellish life and get proactive on working past this. Which it seems he is now doing.

[BetrayedH]

Just want to add something that I think is really important: your WW needs to start over again too. She can't be happy with where you guys are at this point.

 

That's why I say to start it now. It takes a long time for a divorce to unfold and even longer for people to really detach and start a new life. If your wife is like most people, she's watching your actions more than your words. Your words say that you're divorcing (well, recently anyway) but your actions show that you're trying to reconcile. She needs to start working on acceptance and you're obviously starting to feel ready to play the field. If you're decided, don't drag it out. File and start having discussions about who is moving.

Edited January 28, 2015 by BetrayedH

[DKT3]

Okay this really bothered me. You are puttinf words in my mouth. I am attacked and belittled for my opinion on here not because what I say is wrong but because over five years ago I slept with another man. My past is my past and I am not proud of it. i have never once encouraged jm to eat a sh t sandwhich (and really you guys, you like to overuse that one). And he seems to not mind my posts or he could you know, put me on ignore. In fact he answers.

 

What I have done was encouraged him to make choices he can be proud of. He is a BS two years past DDay. Not someone just recently cheated on. He needs encouragement to take positve actions on his life. Not coddeling and hand holding and "there, there, it doesn't matter what you do. She was the whore"

 

Sorry, i believe everyone takes responsibility for their own actions and should strive to rise above the crap around them. Not wallow in self pity and misplaced guilt. Maybe we disagree on some points but I most certainly don't think I deserved your attack.

 

I will always believe people should be encouraged to be honest, decent and kind. But also firm when needed. If hardball is required then so be it. I do not think a partner cheating excuses all behavior (it just makes it more understandandable) just like I don't think a crappy spouse excuses cheating.

 

When have I told him to just eat his sht sandwhich and move on?

 

I think I have encouraged him to get out of his hellish life and get proactive on working past this. Which it seems he is now doing.

 

Selfish, I doubt that anyone cares here who you slept with 5 years ago. I know that my issue with you has been you seem to think that a WW facing the music for her actions in an affair is punishment from the betrayed spouse and you've voiced that opinion many, many times here. Even as other fWW's have disagreed with you. Your ok with allow the husband to take and own responsibilty in his wifes affair, you said that your husband has done that. You think that the husband should show compassion in pain to a woman who just pissed all over his trust, accept what she did and move on. You have said all these things here. On top of that you acted as if your own affair was by some act of god and you had very little role in it. That is how your message comes across here. You have to expect some blow back, don't you?

[jm2013]

The problem is when does the dying REALLY start? Once the WW has become interested in another man or before that? Usually after. The dying marriage is justifaction for the interest, making her feel less responsible.

 

I truly believe the vast majority of BH begin to think an affair after the wifes affair is OK, or less wrong

 

 

There's no way in a million years would I share any information about my wife's affair. I don't even want the implication of getting advice from a female counterpart to try and salvage my marriage. What's weird is at least this OW I think had something happen to her. She doesn't discuss much about if she has a boyfriend or anything. This isn't even an emotional affair level where we are talking about deep personal things and giving each other implications that we want to get a hotel room and bang. It's more like two old friends connecting and talking here and there. She's too pretty to not have something going on with somebody else right now.

 

Apart from that, to be honest, I really don't care. I only really care about starting to build myself up again. I took the time since I've moved back to my house to get myself in gear. I workout a lot, drink a gallon of water a day and eat much healthier. Maybe it's the right mix of things that make me feel healthy enough to know inside I really don't think I wanted to reconcile with her anyways. I tried for my daughter's sake. It's going to be crushing at first but I think things will get into their routines. I think a lot of you are right about the guilt she will try and lay on my shoulders. The events that happen next may very well destroy my relationship at church but I'm not going to let that guilt me into a marriage that I'm not happy about.

 

For most of the people that are about to lay this guilt on me to make me come back to my marriage they have to start trying to walk into my shoes for a minute. It is incredibly easy for them to say "Oh, it's ok now. She has repented and will never do this again. She's reborn". I'm sitting here like you people don't even understand what this woman has done to me. She fell in love with another man and had a sexual relationship behind my back for over a year. I'm seriously starting to think my wife has a mental problem as well.

 

You guys asked me what her response was right? Well, nothing. That's her response. When I bring stuff up she is non-responsive. I feel a million times better about divorcing her now than before as well. It was so fresh before it felt weird because I was just tossed into the situation. Now after time has passed it is that much easier to realize what my true desires are. She has to own up to the fact I am not God and I am just as human as she is. She deliberately did things that ultimately destroyed us completely. Now these are things that were in her control and she still decided to take those kinds of actions. This is why I don't understand why she's so attached to me. It doesn't make any sense. I do not desire a woman like this one bit. Perhaps she would indeed be more fitting for the OM.

 

I need more emotionally stability from the next woman. Before I really start window shopping though I'm going to keep working on myself and being there for my kids. I'm debating a lot of things right now on residency and what I want to do. I definitely want to stick around town.

[Furious]

Jm2013

 

Your wife's one year affair was a deal breaker. If your wife knew you at all, she'd know that it would end your love for her in your heart. Often, it's too little too late. You have the right to begin a new life without guilt.

 

Ignore the abrasive judgement and be true to yourself. It's ok to feel what you feel, and this too shall pass. Letting go is hard, it's a lifetime, it's your history.

 

Allow yourself to grieve what was lost. I hope you give yourself time before entering into a new relationship. Establish a solid foundation toward healing, and allow a new love the very best chance of success.

 

Connect with your daughter, spend time with her, give her a great example of strength and dignity. Reconnect with the beauty of life, the simple joys that many people take for granted.

 

Do not feel guilty, to search for contentment and zest for the future.

[jm2013]

I'll also drop this out there as well. Selfish, I never really verbally committed to a reconciliation with my wife. It kind of morphed into one if you will. There was a point where I was back home and we were having sex and things seemed good. But I was missing something huge there. The NOW convoluted what she used to be and what she did. I enjoyed the now so much she almost successfully made me forget how things were between us and that big turd she stuff down my throat. It was good at first but she never adapted. I told her I thought what she was doing for me was annoying. I'm an adult and can do things on my own. I have re-iterated this probably a million times and I don't think she's taking the hint.

 

She continues to do the things I WANT to do. If I want to make a steak I don't want you marinating and cooking it for me. I actually enjoy these things and she doesn't care and just does it for me. It makes no sense. That's why I think she through the years has even had some weird emotional issues. This isn't surprising considering who I found out her parents are. A bunch of friggin whack jobs.

[Selfish]

Dk, I'm not going to get into with you. You are adding words because I'm not afraid to disagree with you. I do not think a wayward facing consequences is punishment. But I do think sometimes People give advice that is punishment and not consequences.

 

Jm, i'm pretty confused on your religous side. Are you religeous? Is your wife? Was she religeous before she cheated? Because that seems like a cop out. And still doesn't change Jesus' own words. But there are a lot of religeous freaks that think they are above the words of the person they are supposed to be following. My really heavy religeous story told me about this certain extreme church in my city where this woman was told he couldn't divorce her husband even though he was living with the OW because it would be sin. I was shocked because I thought that was one clear scripture. So i would say if you want a spiritual place get a new church. Not one that says your wife's sin is in the past and you are noe the sinner for absolving the marriage.

 

It seems to me your wife over tries and became insecure, clingy and needy. That isn't very attractice and with the infidelity still on the table not helpful at all. I imagine she thought she could win you back by being the best wife ever. But she didn't listen to you which was/is grating.

 

Your part about not stating reconciliation was not backed up by your actions. It doesn't really matter because actions count more. But now that your words (not lack of which can be conflict avoidant or passive aggresive) and hopefully soon your actions will support you as you get out of your toxic relationship.

 

It is for your daughter too. She will thrive out from under the dark cloud that is your marriage. That is why I rarely recommend staying for the kids. It doesn't usually work and the older they get the harder it is on them (adults taking it the worst).

[elaine567]

She continues to do the things I WANT to do. If I want to make a steak I don't want you marinating and cooking it for me. I actually enjoy these things and she doesn't care and just does it for me. It makes no sense. That's why I think she through the years has even had some weird emotional issues. This isn't surprising considering who I found out her parents are. A bunch of friggin whack jobs.

 

I guess just about everyone has "weird emotional issues", but what your wife wants to do now is make amends, to smooth things over to get back to normality (whatever that means)

But perhaps she is going overboard. She is trying that bit too hard.

It seems false to you.

But I guess you are just not appreciative of what she is doing any more.

If this was a new lady cooking steak for you, you would be going "what a wonderful woman", but your wife cannot do that because you feel you do not need HER anymore. You do not want HER love and attention.

 

I see that you want freedom, you want to go somewhere different experience new things, leave it all behind, but what often happens is that you take yourself with you and that can complicate matters.

 

I found this yesterday. May be of help to some BSs. Understanding Relationship, Sexual, and Intimate Betrayal as Trauma (PTSD) | Sex and Intimacy

[Selfish]

I guess just about everyone has "weird emotional issues", but what your wife wants to do now is make amends, to smooth things over to get back to normality (whatever that means)

But perhaps she is going overboard. She is trying that bit too hard.

It seems false to you.

But I guess you are just not appreciative of what she is doing any more.

If this was a new lady cooking steak for you, you would be going "what a wonderful woman", but your wife cannot do that because you feel you do not need HER anymore. You do not want HER love and attention.

 

I see that you want freedom, you want to go somewhere different experience new things, leave it all behind, but what often happens is that you take yourself with you and that can complicate matters.

 

I found this yesterday. May be of help to some BSs. Understanding Relationship, Sexual, and Intimate Betrayal as Trauma (PTSD) | Sex and Intimacy

 

The difference between a new lady cooking him steak is:

1. She didn't cheat

2. Their is no price tag attatched to the steak.

 

While some BS may enjoy grovelling, boot licking and acts of desperation early on. Most well adjusted people go tired of it as the get further out. Most healthy people don't want a suck up for a spouse. It isn't very attractive. Most people want a spouse with a backbone I would say. If she is doing things he has told her not to than she is ignoring her husband and not doing actually doing the right things.

 

Jm "i think I'm going to cook a steak"

Stbxw "i can cook it for you"

Jm "no its okay I will."

Stbxw "i don't mind I can do it"

Jm "no, really, I want to"

Stbxw "i cooked your steak"

Jm "..."

 

Jm "i think I'm going to cook myself a steak"

New woman "do you want me to do it?"

Jm "no its okay, i will."

New woman thinking to herself *i know Jm likes to cook steak. "Okay, do you mind throwing one on the grill for me?"

 

One shows somebody who knows their partner and respects their wishes. The other shows someone who is so desperate and focused on keeping their partner they are too busy doing things and not actually listening. They are not seeing or hearing what is around them because they are too wrapped up in their own agenda.

 

Before jm talked about some pretty amazing things his wife did. He made her after the first initial mess seem like the perfect remorseful wife. His insecurities over continued contact and her not telling all seemed to be the focus. Because I believe he still felt he had to have more of a reason to leave than he did. His misplaced guilt. But her actions now are not those of someone who is contributing to reconciliation in the way that is most meaningful. A way that is actually meanigful in any marriage. And that is listening to your spouse and respecting their wants and wishes.

 

I also think he does no the pain and baggage won't magically disappear upon divorce. But at least getting out of his toxic enviroment will be a step in the right direction.

[Furious]

Jm2013

 

I think, that for most folks with insight and empathy have a hard time letting go of those who have chosen their own selfishness over the potential harm to the person that they betray.

 

It's very simple, they chose they own self entitlement and validation over the potential harm it may cause their Significant Other. That's the **** sandwich.

 

Many cheaters can prepare a **** sandwich and deny it's a **** sandwich. Many cheaters will deny a **** sandwich exists and it's a manifestation of a delusion and failure of a betrayed spouse to imagine such a thing.

 

If cheater is sorry, or appears to be sorry, than that's the golden standard in which they operate in. For them, this makes perfect sense and often times demand higher standard for their betrayed spouse than they do for themselves.

 

It's not surprising that some WS's or former WS's hold a betrayed spouse in contempt. It's a rather weird prejudice and a form of passive aggressiveness. Your wife seems to think she can nice you back, but as you say, she has no real substance when it cones to real communication with you and cannot answer what you really need to understand.

 

You story has hit a nerve, and apparently you're not following the script.

[Seachan]

A week ago I told my wife I wanted a divorce and she passed out on the floor. I don't know what her deal is. What seems to be weird is when I have these real conversations with her I think she either thinks I'm just bluffing or just filters it out completely. I was pretty clear about the divorce. I don't have sex with her anymore either. I am completely turned off

 

Jm, your wife is manipulative. That's probably why you feel guilty. She knows which buttons to play you. See through the act. It's all theater.

 

My mother, the WW, was also a world-class manipulator and kept my dad - and us kids - tethered to her craziness her entire life. She played every card: the mental illness card, the suicide card, the :(wife card, the I'm-so-vulnerable-and-lost card,......

 

Your concern for your daughter is 100% justified. Despite your WW's apparent devotion as a mother (assuming she is a fond mother), make no mistake: She did not care enough about her child/children to protect them from the fall-out of her A. She knew she had children who needed a stable family; she chose to cheat regardless.

 

Don't be surprised if she manipulates your children at some point. Please do what you can to provide them with stability, security, and guidance. That means being truthful with them - even if it puts your wife in a bad light. They will need the truth, as they mature, to make sense of their own lives.

[aliveagain]

JM, next time your wife pulls religion on you in an attempt to guilt you remind her that "Adultery" is the only commandment that is on the list twice, once for doing it and once for thinking about it. She had over a year on her back to think about her religion and her family but that didn't seem to stop her until she was busted. Now that she see's she loosing her hold on you she is using the only tool she has left, your belief, your religion.

[toolforgrowth]

Sometimes I find myself in agreement with Selfish, and sometimes I don't. But I believe it was her who said: "A BS doesn't have to talk themselves out of reconciling; their spouse already cheated. It's up to the WS to talk the BS into wanting to reconcile." Those were pretty awesome words if I do say so myself, and in no way conciliatory to WS's behavior.

 

I felt a little guilt about moving on when my daughter told me she wanted me to get back together with her mom. I had the dubious pleasure of having to look her right into her pretty blue eyes and say, "It's never going to happen." The look on her face when that dream of hers was crushed is something I'll never forget. But I'll also never forget that it wasn't me who put my daughter in that situation, but my xWW for placing a higher priority on humping a co worker than her family.

 

She's an adult and can face the music like one. Your only concerns should be your kids and you happiness...everything else, especially your wife, is just white noise.

[TrustedthenBusted]

JM,

 

Sometimes we really need to take our time and try things out for awhile and assess the situation for a good bit before we know what we need to do.

 

There is no shame in trying, no shame in "taking this long" to make a decision, and absolutely no shame in changing your mind day to day.

 

It took me years to decide whether my wife was worth a second chance, and even then, for years more I second guessed myself a time or three.

 

Eventually, you reach a point where you know what the right thing is for yourself regardless of extenuating circumstances and background noise. I hope you are there, and will remain strong through whatever choice you make.

 

I'm talking with a friend offline who isn't a member here ( I don't think ) but is trying to divorce her WH. ( crazy story really )

 

Anyway, he's fighting the divorce, while at the same time showing no remorse, not obeying NC, and not making any changes to meet her needs.

 

What I've told her is he is not actually fighting the divorce. His continued actions are proof that their marriage is dead. What he is in fact fighting her on is changing their living arrangements, and his own lifestyle.

 

Amazing that someone would tolerate a relationship they don't really want out of shame, or worse.

[jm2013]

T&B you better stick around here! It has been good having you around. For me, I'll still be around. I'm going to be sorting my stuff out here. What is weird is I'm not divorced yet but have finally determined definitively I do not want to be with her. I am no longer in limbo. See, I think this whole time I was fuzzy on this. I went back and forth. I don't have any fear revisiting the lawyer and having him file papers. The only thing I'm going to feel bad about is having to talk to my daughter about mommy and daddy breaking up.

[Clay]

Jm,

 

I am so sorry things are not working out well for you. I am really sorry that your being kicked on this board for wanting to leave. It will never cease to amaze me just how cold cheaters can be.

 

Its garbage to say you did not recommit to your marriage. You went back what more do they want. Your promise you wont cheat. Look how well that worked out for them. Your promise you wont go find someone else or continue to drag them through the mud.

 

Some people in this world are just horrible people. You cant fix them and your never going to be able to even understand them. Its just best to walk away from them and focus on taking care of yourself and your daughter.

 

I would suggest you look into taking custody of your daughter. There is nothing that says that you can't raise your daughter yourself.

 

Without starting a war on this site Ill leave that last part at that.

 

I hope your day is going better.

 

 

Clay

[Selfish]

T&B you better stick around here! It has been good having you around. For me, I'll still be around. I'm going to be sorting my stuff out here. What is weird is I'm not divorced yet but have finally determined definitively I do not want to be with her. I am no longer in limbo. See, I think this whole time I was fuzzy on this. I went back and forth. I don't have any fear revisiting the lawyer and having him file papers. The only thing I'm going to feel bad about is having to talk to my daughter about mommy and daddy breaking up.

 

Just remind yourself that the toxic enviroment she is in where there is no love between her parents and desperation and resentment is not a healthy example to your child. You hear about people staying for the kids and having a good compatible coparenting relationship but I have never actually seen that in reality. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but it most definetly isn't the norm.

 

Remeber to see a lawyer and not leave the marital home. You can be firm without being cruel to the mother of your child as well. Just remeber to be firm. And don't give up for fighting for equel custody for your kid. I know to many parents that have blamed the situation but in actual fact they just gave up. It was too much work and that sent a very bad message to the child. I don't know who clay was talking to in his post. Didn't see to many people attacking you for leaving. I disagree with him that you did commit to reconciliation because well you admitted to the opposite. I think you committed to seeing if you could get to a place where reconciliation was possible and have found it is not for you. I also don't agree with taking kids away from either parent unless one has proven not to care or is unfit. It just creates a mess (of course if she tries to take your daughter from you fight fire with fire). I know a guy who didn't get custodial parent and he felt at first he got the raw end of the deal. But as it played out he realized that he actually had the better end of the deal. His daughter spent monday to friday at mom's and went to school. He got every holiday and half of summer and every weekend. So, he basically has her when he could spend lots of time with her. The mom has to negotiate extra time (they live in two nearby towns). He has developed a really good coparenting relationsip with the mom but it did take a few years (and threats of dragging her back to court for not honouring her side).

His daughter loves his new wife. She is a very happy and loving young woman. Divorce at the time made her sad but she adjusted and is far happier than in what was a very stressful enviroment.

[Lion Heart]

The Titanic only hit one iceberg and then it sunk. It took hours to go completely under but no matter how hard the crew tried to save her and all the passengers, it still went down taking many people with her. The fate of that trip was set the moment it struck the iceberg and nothing done afterwards saved it from going down.

 

Affairs are often the same. Things are set in motion in an instant that can't be undone.

 

That's the risk she took when she got it on with another man.

 

I agree. Remember what they called the Titanic?

UNSINKABLE.

 

In SOME cases BSs thought our marriages were "unsinkable" too!

After long marraiges WE had put in the hard yards, resolved issues so well that everything was coming together. We didn't relax about that, we kept forging ahead knowing that all the hard work we'd invested was all for our beautiful family. For our beautiful spouse who loved us back. We freely gave of all of our energy, emotions, love, trust plus all our hopes and dreams for the future. We had plans to grow old together. We had it all. Our marriage survived and it was full steam ahead. Other couples looked at us and, unbeknownst to us, said to each other "look at them, they've got it all together". They admired us. Some were envious of us. To think!

 

Then we hit the iceberg. D Day. Some jumped ship immediately! Smart, good sense. Some survived, some didn't. Some stayed and tried to save it. Smart, good sense with the knowledge they had at the time. In hind sight if they knew she would sink regardless of all efforts, would they knowingly die trying to save her? Probably not. BUT WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THEY HELD AT THE TIME, THEY HAD TO TRY!

 

No one should "beat" BSs up for leaving. No one should beat BSs for staying. We are here on LS to help us find our own path. I applaud both efforts because ANYTHING we do from now on takes courage and determination. Neither path is simply followed. I hope by being the best spouse and parent we could be, we find the path that sits best with us.

 

I entirely agree with the Titanic analogy.

I prefer to utilize the analogy our family has used for generations. The Phoenix.

 

On D Day it was the ONLY thing I could think of to say to my bawling, beautiful and brave twin boys as I held them so close to me (their father had told them himself before I got home). I said YES! THIS HAPPENED but you know what we do now? They said no mummy. I said we spread our wings SO WIDE, we feel the WIND UNDER our wings (holy spirit) lift us up higher and higher and as we soar SO high we look down and say good riddance to bad rubbish. This affair my husband and my children's father and grandfather DUMPED on us was our "ground zero". No one stays at ground zero for long if they want to survive.

 

Jm I admire you man. I haven't read all your posts but I plan to. You have trodden the path and you're sharing your story. Thankyou. You have deeply considered your thoughts and are making decisions with resolution. Wow. You're my idol! Ha ha. Really you are.

 

And about your daughter. Remember no matter where you are, she's always gonna love you. She's going to grow up learning from all your wisdom and conviction. You have alot of character to build in that darling child. One that KNOWS, when she grows up, to trust your insights for her future. Your experiences will guide her! Trust that she has the maturity of mind NOT to be an OW or a WS. That's exactly what I'm working on now with my children but not very hard because they already "get it" purely by my presence. Be present for her. You're a gift to her. Look after that gift and all the power in the world to you.

 

Lion Heart.

[Spectre]

The fact she uttered the "you really think I'm that type of person" to you would send up red flags. It's not about thinking anything, you already know she is that type of person. Is she just messing with you or what?

[jm2013]

So last night was friggin nutty. I work with my wife's mom at my 9-5. I was walking out and she stopped me. We probably spoke for about an hour and I went completely numb and get really pissed off. I think she could see my anger. They are all bat nut crazy. I sat there and got to listen to her tell me her and her husband are good people yada yada yada and I told her she can come clean. She asked me how I felt about them and I told them empty. I could really care less anymore either way because I finalized my decision but talking to her for an hour really made me feel that much better about my decision. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

 

I had my mother in law re-hash what went down cause I for some unGodly reason am still interested in the facts of what went down. She blamed her daughter for tons of crap. If you all remember the race I told you all about shortly after I uncovered my wife's affair with the non contact broken the story apparently goes deeper. According to her mother my wife had it all pre planned with her affair partner. She claimed a "cab" came to pick my wife up from their house. I don't believe that. What was interesting though which caught me off guard was when I brought up the bib which I thought my in laws framed for my wife. This part did seem authentic. I asked her about them framing the bib for my wife and she looked at me puzzled like she did not know what I was talking about. This would imply my wife's affair partner framed her bib for her and probably dropped it off at her work. She then took it upon herself to display this great gift from her affair partner on our mantel in a remembrance of him. What makes me sick to my stomach is the alleged "guilt" and "remorse" she felt when caught but decided this was ok to do.

 

I don't care how sorry she is right now. She can wipe her fake tears away and let reality smack her in her arse. I'm going to feel even more liberated soon. I need to repaint my house and get it ready for sale. I'm hoping by summer it hits the market and will probably sell fast. I need to get these manipulative psychos out of my life.