Is this inappropriate behavior with a young girl?

January 15, 2015

Thanks for this support! My gosh this has been such a crazy time.

He keeps texting and saying he now believes that I never loved him... That I cheated w my ex... And that since be found me going to my ex's last night, it's his belief that he was part of a big scheme where I was just with him (in cahoots w my ex) to scam him for his money and that I would have stolen from him.

Insane!

The other part about this is while I have a job now... I have been an unpaid leave. I have no money. Zero. He always promised me (from past fights) that he would never leave me homeless or without money. That even if we broke up.. He would always make sure I could survive.

Well, as you might imagine ... He has not. He cut off all access to money. And texted that I should ask my ex for money if I need it.

Little does he know... I truly have nothing. Thank God I WILL have a paycheck next Friday, but i don't even have clothes or my belongings! They are in his house and he won't offer them.

I am grateful I didn't end up dead... But I am really stuck. Could you imagine how much worse it could have been?!!?

If he is holding your personal belongings and won't give them back it's just more manipulation on his part for control over your life ...... and illegal.

You need to call the police so an officer can personally escort you to the residence for retrieval of your clothes and other items.

Safety is paramount here as this man is unstable, unpredictable, and prone to episodes of anger ...... to say the least.

January 15, 2015

Yeah, I have filed police reports and they are SO slow! I think it may be tomorrow before the detective gets back to me.

As for my belongings... M divorce lawyer drafted a letter to my boyfriend... And we will prob send it. It's a cease and decist.

Now he told me he would ship my things, but obviously that hasn't happened and I do not want to go to his house without police. Problem is... We are 3 hours apart and different police departments.

This all stinks.., and I'm so exhausted! Any I'm still working through it! Little do viewers know what's rolling through my head.

January 15, 2015

Yeah, I have filed police reports and they are SO slow! I think it may be tomorrow before the detective gets back to me.

As for my belongings... M divorce lawyer drafted a letter to my boyfriend... And we will prob send it. It's a cease and decist.

Now he told me he would ship my things, but obviously that hasn't happened and I do not want to go to his house without police. Problem is... We are 3 hours apart and different police departments.

This all stinks.., and I'm so exhausted! Any I'm still working through it! Little do viewers know what's rolling through my head.

Could you ask a trusted friend (male, not your ex) to go get your stuff back? Or, you could see if the cops in your area work something out with the cop station near him, they can dispatch an officer with you to get your belongings.

January 16, 2015

So, my former boyfriend has texted today quite a bit. But much less. He's trying to provoke me by saying "good luck with your new love, I hope you are happy breaking my heart.." Etc etc.

He first accuses me of being w my ex and now he's saying good luck at dating etc. Anyway, he is just being dramatic and trying to get me to respond. But now he says he will pack my things and send them back.

And says he misses me.

Meantime, I have option to apply for a protective order tomorrow. I am trying to figure out if I should do that. Should I?

January 16, 2015

Meantime, I have option to apply for a protective order tomorrow. I am trying to figure out if I should do that. Should I?

You have nothing to lose by getting one.

Ignore what he says and watch what he does.

I don't understand how someone claims to make $200K yet is broke.

Why don't you use this experience for Sweeps Month. You'd get high ratings!

Edited January 16, 2015 by FitChick

January 16, 2015

I just went through a divorce and ended up with HUGE legal bills. And honestly most were triggered by my BF who kept threatening my ex.

Not to mention, my ex drained me dry.

January 16, 2015

So, my former boyfriend has texted today quite a bit. But much less. He's trying to provoke me by saying "good luck with your new love, I hope you are happy breaking my heart.." Etc etc.

He first accuses me of being w my ex and now he's saying good luck at dating etc. Anyway, he is just being dramatic and trying to get me to respond. But now he says he will pack my things and send them back.
And says he misses me.

Meantime, I have option to apply for a protective order tomorrow. I am trying to figure out if I should do that. Should I?

YES! Get the protection order!

Once you get your stuff back, you must block him or change your number.

January 16, 2015

I don’t care about whether it’s called pedophilia or not. I have never known a normal regular dad in a healthy family to establish personal relationships of any kind with their daughter’s friends. I raised two daughters and knew their parents and never saw this, never saw any dad cross that line, and never even saw a dad enter a grey area along these lines, if you think it’s that. This was aberrational. He says the parents are his friends, but he didn’t communicate with them- his supposed friends- he communicated with the much younger girls. Not good at all. Major red flag. And now his insanity and lack of respect and restraint are being played out on OP too. Good riddance.

I agree! Also I would let these parents know too. It may be awkward and feel wrong but it's the adult responsible thing to do. Seriously! I would want to know. Young girls, especially teenagers, are an easy target by an older man who knows exactly what they need to hear! He is a sick man!

January 16, 2015

Yes. He is melting down tonight. I blocked his number and now he's calling from rigged caller ID numbers. Posing as my work number.

Just another voice of reason to help guide you here. I know that you may not be confident in your perceptions of "what is normal", possibly as a result of the earlier traumas in your life, but this is not the normal behavior of someone who loves you and wants to understand how to nurture your relationship. This is the behavior of someone who's losing control of himself.

He is so upset about things and probably that he has lost me. He doesn't deal well with that.

No indeed. Do you see how he gets agitated in proportion to his loss of control of you? Everything that he proposes is a step toward his gaining control over your life (the big ones: quit your job, depend on him for all financial support, separate from your son) and as you resisted these a little bit, he pushed back - as you resisted them more firmly, he lost his composure and lost control of himself.

This is not about his love for you or his desire to nurture and support a relationship between the two of you. This is about his need to control. I have read the whole thread and I'm pleased that it seems that you are starting to see this, but I just want to provide another voice of support, reason, and stability (none of which, you will note, you will find in his increasingly agitated behaviors...)

You may get tested; he may find a way to tempt you to reconsider. He's unstable, but he's certainly intelligent, he's clearly learned to manipulate people, and because of your personality and your previous relationship with him, you are a potentially vulnerable target. Be strong, continue to check in here and let those of us less affected by the types of traumas you have suffered in your life help you keep your perspective.

I am so grateful that I still have my job. So grateful. And ending this now is obviously very hard but it gives me my career and future back with my son.

Just to help you keep things in perspective, look at these two elements in your life: you career and your son. Look at what they represent: family, independence, and (putting those two things together) the ability to support your family independently. These are good things.

Now look at the picture that he was proposing for you: give up your job, move away from your son. You would no longer be independent, and no longer supporting (emotionally or financially) your son. Everything about this is bad.

(I don't meant to make this sound like I'm lecturing an idiot here - but I do think you have acknowledged that you have a skewed perception of things, and I'm trying to lay out very simple, fundamental principles that you can turn to, to help you keep seeing straight.)

A man who loved you wouldn't create, advocate, demand, - and bully you into - a scenario where you must turn your back on everything else meaningful in your life other than him. He would want to support those things that are important in your life.

And finally, I want to touch on the themes of isolation and dependence. Isolation and dependence are the go-to tools of the manipulator and the abuser. One of the most effective ways to conquer an adversary is to isolate her and make her dependent, because through the isolation, you cut off any lines of support or assistance, and through the dependence, you make it difficult or impossible to leave and pull her life back together again.

Look at what he proposed again in this context: by quitting your job, you would be isolated from career/professional contact, and become dependent upon him for financial support. By moving, you would be dependent upon him for a place to live. By separating from your son, you would be isolated from the closest family that you have - your own child.

The other thing that this cycle creates is a spiral of shame - once you are isolated, once you have turned your back on family, job, etc. you perceive that you would suffer humiliation and shame to return, so this acts to force you to stay tied even closer to your manipulator/abuser, in a vicious cycle of shame, dependence, and isolation.

Being a clever manipulator, he may try to come back at you with reasonable-sounding proposals to "save the relationship" and get back in the door. Here's the thing: even if he proposes something that sounds reasonable, it's only a gateway to gaining back control over you again. The details of any particular proposal aren't the point any more: you have now seen who he is, and how he needs to manipulate and isolate you and make you dependent to feed his craving for control.

You need to be strong. You have escaped, just in time. At this point, what he is doing is HIS responsibility and only HIS. If he's driving around crying, sad, unable to work, whatever is his current drama - that is just a measure of HIS instability, and further evidence that you need to stay far, far, away from him forever. You didn't cause anything; you are not responsible for his behavior or his pathologies - you escaped the storm, just in time. Stay away.

Realize and treasure what is important in your life, and you can rebuild. You have what sounds like a pretty decent job (and yes, I agree with whoever posted above: please no more details here on the public forum) and you have a son who you haven't lost your bond with yet. Understand what stable anchors (no career-related pun intended, ha ha!) and treasures these represent in your life. Prioritize them, and by recognizing these things in your life that are fundamental and important to you, you can recognize the dangers when these fundamentals are challenged or attacked.

Edited January 16, 2015 by Trimmer

January 16, 2015

Thanks so much for the support here...

I AM back here in that state of instability again -- I'm really trying to stay strong. However, he's back to begging -- pleading that I come home.

I had my attorney send a letter to him with instructions to return my belongings (shipping)...to his office.

However, I was stupid and wrote him an email that basically told him how he Fuc*ed up everything and why all of his accusations are ridiculous. He then took that as an invitation to talk to me via phone. I did not agree to do that -- and he's been back to texting and harassing me again. I have once again said "no contact"....

But, help me stay strong!

January 16, 2015

Step away from the keyboard!!!

Let your attorney communicate with him and only your attorney.

January 16, 2015

THIS IS SOOOOO TRUE!

"Being a clever manipulator, he may try to come back at you with reasonable-sounding proposals to "save the relationship" and get back in the door. Here's the thing: even if he proposes something that sounds reasonable, it's only a gateway to gaining back control over you again. The details of any particular proposal aren't the point any more: you have now seen who he is, and how he needs to manipulate and isolate you and make you dependent to feed his craving for control."

This is exactly what's happening to me -- and doesn't help that I literally have nothing right now. I'm living with my gay best friend/hairdresser - and I have my ex -- wanting to work things out with me...inviting me to stay at his house -- which I did one night -- so I could sleep with my son.

But, I've since stopped that -- because I recognize this is all just a LOT for me to take on. My ex is saying HE will help me -- but he wants me to be done with my boyfriend ...etc.

He even tried kissing me today! Lord -- I just feel so lost and sad right now...and trying to work ..is not easy.

January 16, 2015

Thanks so much for the support here...

I AM back here in that state of instability again -- I'm really trying to stay strong. However, he's back to begging -- pleading that I come home.

I had my attorney send a letter to him with instructions to return my belongings (shipping)...to his office.

However, I was stupid and wrote him an email that basically told him how he Fuc*ed up everything and why all of his accusations are ridiculous. He then took that as an invitation to talk to me via phone. I did not agree to do that -- and he's been back to texting and harassing me again. I have once again said "no contact"....

But, help me stay strong!

I don't mean to laugh but given his instability and impulsive behavior do you really think saying "no contact" means anything? It doesn't. He isn't someone who knows how to respect someone's wishes, hence the RO and needing your attorney to step in. If he was a reasonable man this wouldn't be happening at all. So please don't interact with him PERIOD. Do not email, text, explain or anything. He is unstable, nothing you say will matter. No contact isn't something you ask for, especially from someone like him, it's something YOU do and institute as much as you can.

Do you have a smartphone? If so, there are apps you can use to block people's calls and text messages. Downloading an app like that means you will not see any of his calls or messages. Some of those apps are: Mr.Number-Block, Dead2me, Call Controller. Maybe part of you is unwilling to block him because you like that he is pleading and begging. I say this with no judgment, I've been there. If so, you have to be honest with yourself that maybe part of it is you not totally wanting to close the door and then if that is the case, working to get to that point. But if you are serious about No Contact, download the app which will block his messages and calls so you aren't bombarded or tempted to respond to him.

January 16, 2015

Guilty --THIS

"If so, you have to be honest with yourself that maybe part of it is you not totally wanting to close the door and then if that is the case, working to get to that point"

I go through strong moments -- and then I get very weak. I miss the good parts of the relationship -- and I did believe that I loved him. I know I was probably insane -- but we had a lot of good times -- when we weren't fighting like cats and dogs. And yes, the fights were about his control..

But, here's what I have to remember. I don't have a job there yet. (I think I'm being offered one there next week

) But, I would also lose my son...still. I can only imagine what my ex would do to me - if I went back now. He would fight any chance of my son visiting our home. He now knows that this guy had me followed and has been so volatile.

He was there and saw that my BF had me followed.... that.. is just not going to ever work --

Edited January 16, 2015 by me2me2

January 16, 2015

Guilty --THIS

"If so, you have to be honest with yourself that maybe part of it is you not totally wanting to close the door and then if that is the case, working to get to that point"

I go through strong moments -- and then I get very weak. I miss the good parts of the relationship -- and I did believe that I loved him. I know I was probably insane -- but we had a lot of good times -- when we weren't fighting like cats and dogs. And yes, the fights were about his control..

But, here's what I have to remember. I don't have a job there yet. (I think I'm being offered one there next week ) But, I would also lose my son...still. I can only imagine what my ex would do to me - if I went back now. He would fight any chance of my son visiting our home. He now knows that this guy had me followed and has been so volatile.

He was there and saw that my BF had me followed.... that.. is just not going to ever work --

Did you ever find the therapist btw?

January 16, 2015

Yes -- I go tomorrow at noon.

I clearly need therapy...to keep me grounded.

Once I get my feet under me and get a paycheck next week -- I'm wondering if I shouldn't just get my own apartment?

I am currently staying in a very nice apartment with my gay hairdresser/friend -- but I just don't feel comfortable. I have nothing against gay people etc...but it's not where I want to live. I'm a mom -- etc..and I don't even feel comfortable bringing my son there.

My EX is offering to have me move back there - for short term -- but I am scared -- since he is also trying to kiss me etc.

January 16, 2015

Maybe so... But now he thinks that I've been cheating on him w my ex. Lovely.
that is NOT the case. But, yes my ex has seen the warning signs and has helped me when I felt unsafe.

Is that totally abnormal? I hate that he's going to go around thinking I cheated. I never did.

who cares what this guy thinks?

don't let him control you anymore...that is what types like him want.

it sucks, but you will get past this.

January 16, 2015

Guilty --THIS

"If so, you have to be honest with yourself that maybe part of it is you not totally wanting to close the door and then if that is the case, working to get to that point"

I go through strong moments -- and then I get very weak. I miss the good parts of the relationship -- and I did believe that I loved him. I know I was probably insane -- but we had a lot of good times -- when we weren't fighting like cats and dogs. And yes, the fights were about his control

You need distance right now to fully gain perspective ...... which is part of what no contact facilitates.

You are going through the typical withdrawal symptoms ...... that are synonymous with most breakups ...... and astronomically higher when exiting a profoundly toxic relationship.

Yes, you need to stay strong for you and your son. It's ok and normal to have periods of weakness, but you must weather the storm.

Please recall MissBee's analogy regarding no contact to a de-conditioned individual starting an exercise program. You need time away from this man to detoxify, adapt to life without him, and gain emotional, physical, and financial stability.

You absolutely cannot speak to him on the phone, through e-mail, or in person. A huge part of succeeding here is no contact ...... WITH INEXORABLE PURPOSE.

You can do this.

January 16, 2015

Yes -- I go tomorrow at noon.

I clearly need therapy...to keep me grounded.

Once I get my feet under me and get a paycheck next week -- I'm wondering if I shouldn't just get my own apartment?

I am currently staying in a very nice apartment with my gay hairdresser/friend -- but I just don't feel comfortable. I have nothing against gay people etc...but it's not where I want to live. I'm a mom -- etc..and I don't even feel comfortable bringing my son there.

My EX is offering to have me move back there - for short term -- but I am scared -- since he is also trying to kiss me etc.

Great for you on the therapist!

You're not poor from what you say so I see no reason why a woman who makes good money and has a child shouldn't have her own place. YES you should get your own place! It's not like you can't afford it or there is any real reason not to.

Do that next. Staying with a friend is fine but you can't do it forever especially when you have a child. Get your own place, make your own space that you are in control of and can bring your child to. Also, next time you meet a man you're into don't move in with him until a ring is on your finger. You can move in and have a long engagement but given your history and your child I do think it is wise for you to take things very SLOWLY and maintain as much of your independence as possible so that you aren't at the mercy of a possibly insane man.

January 16, 2015

Yep, I think George Carlin said it best:

What's the difference between a psychopath and a crazy person?

A psychopath will go into a McDonald's and kill everyone inside with an automatic rifle.

A crazy person will go into a McDonald's and kill everyone inside with an automatic rifle ...... wearing a pink bunny suit.

I doubt this guy is on that level yet, but he is definitely up there on the crazy scale.

Thinking about your ex boyfriend in a pink bunny outfit should bolster your resolve during those moments of weakness ...... just sayin.

January 17, 2015

Definitely take the advice of all these wise people. Stalkers like this get fixated and devote all kinds of energy to their sick agendas. Protect yourself, document everything, and if you need to take legal action, go for the jugular.

January 17, 2015

He even tried kissing me today! Lord -- I just feel so lost and sad right now...and trying to work ..is not easy.

What do you mean he tried to kiss you? Where and when? I thought you were filing an RO against him. Did you go see him or did he show up at your work? Follow you around somewhere?

January 17, 2015

What do you mean he tried to kiss you? Where and when? I thought you were filing an RO against him. Did you go see him or did he show up at your work? Follow you around somewhere?

I think she means the ex.

January 17, 2015

No - I'm sorry. My writing was too fast and confusing.

I mean my EX HUSBAND tried to kiss me... not my Boyfriend. I haven't seen him -- but he is texting up a storm -- begging me back.

Telling me his behavior is the result of me -- lying to him about my whereabouts and turning off the location tracker ....

What do you mean he tried to kiss you? Where and when? I thought you were filing an RO against him. Did you go see him or did he show up at your work? Follow you around somewhere?

January 17, 2015

I am going through major withdrawl. He is texting -- asking me to just come back for the weekend - go out like we always do...and let the past go...

Much like you have warned me here -- it's very easy to get sucked in.

He says that his aggressive behavior was due to my lies about where I was going...and my consistent issue with "taking off..." to my son's hometown -- without him or without discussing it with him.

I had promised him that I would always talk to him about it -- if I needed to leave -- but, obviously I didn't because I was attempting to leave him.

It was bad on my part...but it was mainly due to my fear of being controlled so heavily.

Anyway, I can see his paranoia to a point -- but that still doesn't excuse his extremism -- OR his texting a young girl...right?

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Is this inappropriate behavior with a young girl?

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