The last straw, I'm giving up...

[No Limit]

^That post above is very important for you. Else it might be you who's in for a big surprise.

 

About the 2nd apartment, putting huskies on the restricted breeds list is probably one of the most idiotic things I've ever heard. I can't believe that they'd ever consider a dog breed for that list which has been bred for working purposes (which equals "easy to handle" and "good temperament").

 

About your STBX's dog and cat; sorry, but from what you've written in your post about his plans he's a very irresponsible owner and shouldn't be owning pets at all. If he gives them away to family friends or aquaintances those two would likely be better off; and should they end up in a shelter (although not all shelters kill animals who've been there too long) you could try to get them back.

 

But yeah, I know what that initial concern feels like. Back before I had my own pony and was browsing through horse sale websites one sale never left my memory - a beautiful grey gelding, Arabian mix. He was sold for almost nothing considering that he could be ridden outside alone without any problems and would be sold with all his equipment (saddle etc). The description also said that the horse was a "divorce victim".

[tippydog90]

Just some advice on your pets. I have been involved in dog rescue many years. There are breed specific rescues that will almost certainly take the husky if the worst should happen. Google "husky rescue" and type in your state. I would go ahead and make contact now, just in case this needs to be an option. There are also many cat rescues that may be able to help. And dont't get me started on breed specific bans. Many many dogs have ended up dead in shelters because of the lunacy of these laws.

[MightyQuinn]

Thanks for the advice, I think I'm OK on that front. We only had one joint credit card and it's been canceled. We only have 1 joint bank account and that's a savings account with barely anything in it. We have one join loan, but I'm paying on that. I have been collecting our tax papers, in fact one of my biggest projects the last few weeks has been going through all of the filing and files. Something else he hasn't noticed besides the boxes I've been packing: There's a stack of about 10 envelopes and folders that I put in his "man cave" that are all his important papers that he should keep. Talk about oblivious.

 

I'm not afraid of him not being able to care for them, more that he won't find a place that will accept his husky. In which case, he will probably end up at his mom's house with the dog. I shouldn't really be worried about that, it's irrational, his mom would totally let him move in with his dog, but I don't really have control over my fears at the moment. Also, there is a husky rescue here, so at least there is that. I know they wouldn't let him go to someone who would hurt him.

[MightyQuinn]

Also, that primer on snooping on a suspected WS that I promised:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/506182-snooping-your-ws-s-computer-phone

[MightyQuinn]

Had a huge burst of productivity. Went through the last two closets that I needed to go through. Pulled everything out and reorganized according to the stuff that would be left with him (mostly games and electronics) and stuff that i would take with me (lots of books, blankets, papers). He has basically spent all day since Noon in his "man cave" watching football except for 5 minutes or so when he popped in to this room i was in with five boxes midway packed. He just pulls random stuff out and is like "Oh hey, this is cool, I forgot I had such awesome stuff" - except it was stuff from the boxes I was taking with me. Kinda giggled to myself at that one.

 

Then his kitty came in begging for attention. He adopted her like 3 days before our first date. She is the mother of one of the cats I'm taking with me. Had a serious crying jag as I told her that I'd always love her and that I'm sorry things have to be this way.

 

I just hate him so much. I am angry and I think "How could you do this to me and to us?" then I have the thought that for all I know he's been doing this since before we were married. It wouldn't matter if I asked him how long he's been a cheater, I wouldn't believe any answer he gave.

 

And then I get even angrier. I hate that I have to pack. I like that I'm getting out of this townhouse, but I hate how it's happening. I hate that I have to lie. I hate that I can't just already be out of here so I can be fully immersed in my emotions and start to recover instead of pretending things are OK.

 

I look forward to living in this new apartment, for which I hope I am approved. But it seems like there is a minefield between now and then. And then once I'm out, there's still a minefield after as I endure whatever his reaction is going to be. Thankfully, I won't be in the same house to endure it. I'm looking forward to the new life I've been planning to keep myself busy so I don't become a bitter old shut-in. It just feels like even that is a lifetime away.

 

And at the same time, it feels fast. It took 13 years to get to where we were at, and by the time I move out (knock on wood) it will have been a month for me to get out and away from it. Then maybe a few months for the divorce process (more knocking on wood), and hopefully I'll be officially done with this.

 

It just seems so surreal. A month ago, I literally said to my best friend (and she agreed) that my relationship with my husband was one of the most stable and healthy among our friends (some sexless, argumentative, unhappy couples in our orbit). Now I'm planning divorce proceedings. In the meantime, my bestie is the only person IRL that I know who knows what is going on in my life, and she's listening to the women in these sexless, argumentative, unhappy marriages and thinking "You are thinking about divorce over housework? Because your hubby doesn't make enough money for you to be a stay at home mom? Over a lazy sex life? If you knew what I knew, you'd think your marital problems are stupid and frivolous and might think for a moment that you're lucky with what you have."

 

Anyways, I had to dump my brain out a little bit here so I can move forward with packing and planning. Thanks for reading, thanks for the support, and thanks for the advice. I'm glad to have found LS.

 

:bunny::bunny:

[Trimmer]

Just a couple of thoughts which I hope will be some bit of help... The first of which is: lady, you kick ass! And I don't necessarily intend that in a "kick his ass" way, (although you are certainly entitled to make your own choices on that...) but in the way you have been decisive, calm (I know you probably don't feel that way yourself...) and focused on your course of action. Many of us, in your position, spent a lot of time wandering, pleading, steering in circles, etc. I admire your focus.

 

And then I get even angrier. I hate that I have to pack. I like that I'm getting out of this townhouse, but I hate how it's happening. I hate that I have to lie. I hate that I can't just already be out of here so I can be fully immersed in my emotions and start to recover instead of pretending things are OK.

All I can think of here, is - as much as you can - be thankful for and "love" the fact that you are in control, you have laid yourself a sensible course of action, and you are proceeding sharply on task. Again, it may not help, because I'm essentially saying "gee, it could be worse..." but many of us wandered helpless for some time in situations similar to yours. The loss of control (which I'm sure you feel in some significant ways) is agonizing and painful. You have quickly given yourself a purpose, a goal, and this gives you control, which is power. Not over him, necessarily, but power within your own life, and this is precious!

 

Again, perhaps this only can seem like a "good" thing in the context of "just imagine how much worse it would be..." but as someone who has been there, I am pleased for you that you do have a sharp focus on some near-term goals that are forward looking, and I believe this will give you some sense of power over your life that many in your situation lack.

 

I look forward to living in this new apartment, for which I hope I am approved. But it seems like there is a minefield between now and then. And then once I'm out, there's still a minefield after as I endure whatever his reaction is going to be.

That may be true, but take it one step at a time. Let's get you to that apartment first. Don't start fretting too far ahead.

 

The other thing that may help, is that you are clearly carrying a significant burden right now of keeping this all under wraps. That is among your current stresses. Once you pull the trigger (figuratively only, please!) I hope you will get some sense of relief that you can let go, and that you don't have to "act" any more.

 

Now, indeed, you may acquire a new bit of drama, as his reaction plays out. However, I'm hoping that the burden you will release by being able to let go of "the act" will be significant, and I will probably argue that even though he may have a big reaction to the day of reckoning, at that point, you will be under no obligation to participate any longer, so to a degree, you can decide just how much you want to be involved, vs. insulating yourself from it all. That may be an oversimplification, but you get the general idea.

 

Thankfully, I won't be in the same house to endure it.

Yeah, there you go - that's kinda what I meant above!

 

I'm looking forward to the new life I've been planning to keep myself busy so I don't become a bitter old shut-in. It just feels like even that is a lifetime away.

It probably feels like swimming through molasses now, but it's not that far away. Just keep plugging through, day by day.

 

And at the same time, it feels fast. It took 13 years to get to where we were at, and by the time I move out (knock on wood) it will have been a month for me to get out and away from it. Then maybe a few months for the divorce process (more knocking on wood), and hopefully I'll be officially done with this.

Again, I'm hoping that once it's all out in the open, and moving inevitably forward, all this stress of hiding and acting will be gone, and that will help.

 

It just seems so surreal. A month ago, I literally said to my best friend (and she agreed) that my relationship with my husband was one of the most stable and healthy among our friends (some sexless, argumentative, unhappy couples in our orbit). Now I'm planning divorce proceedings. In the meantime, my bestie is the only person IRL that I know who knows what is going on in my life, and she's listening to the women in these sexless, argumentative, unhappy marriages and thinking "You are thinking about divorce over housework? Because your hubby doesn't make enough money for you to be a stay at home mom? Over a lazy sex life? If you knew what I knew, you'd think your marital problems are stupid and frivolous and might think for a moment that you're lucky with what you have."

Let me just add I am very pleased for you that you do have a real-life, in-the-flesh friend with whom you have shared this, and who is there in support of you. That's HUGE. Again, this is a positive thing by virtue of "how it could be worse", but to have a live, caring person there, who knows you closely, is a huge help, and I'm glad you have confided in her. Folks will give you support here, and sometimes it will be very well-suited, because some of us have been through some shockingly similar situations that perhaps your friend has not. But to have even just one friend there, in person, caring for you and about you is a real gift - I'm glad you have her.

[Yasuandio]

My, my, isn't that prophetic? How "cool" is that? He also forgot about "stuff" like his awesome wife that has been eating his car payment all year while he's been dicking around. Yeah, totally awesome, dude. Hon, as Trimmer mentioned, you really are in great emotional control for this set of curumstances.

 

Many a crime documentary has been stimulated from a situation like this. Personally, if it was even possible for me to make it as far as you have to this point, that comment about "the awesome stuff" he forgot about, (after a bit of rumination on the comment), would have caused me to go completely balistic on him. What an "abstract" slap in the face. He really didn't do anything wrong by making this comment, it is just thay "I am" personally offended that he is so ignorant and had two-timed you, and everything from his mouth will forever be suspect (that much I've learned through my years of experience - even without dead-on proof).

 

I continue to admire uou from afar. The count down is on. Yas

 

[No Limit]

To be honest OP, I'm surprised you ever fell for a lazy idiot like him in the first place. Games and football and cheating seem to be the only things he has in life. And soon even cheating will be scratched (unless his OW wants him; I almost feel sorry for her!).

[MightyQuinn]

My, my, isn't that prophetic? How "cool" is that? He also forgot about "stuff" like his awesome wife that has been eating his car payment all year while he's been dicking around. Yeah, totally awesome, dude. Hon, as Trimmer mentioned, you really are in great emotional control for this set of curumstances.

 

Thanks so much for pointing that whole "awesome wife" thing out, those were my thoughts exactly when he said it. I had to turn around and monkey around with stuff in a different box so he couldn't see the reaction on my face.

 

Many a crime documentary has been stimulated from a situation like this. Personally, if it was even possible for me to make it as far as you have to this point, that comment about "the awesome stuff" he forgot about, (after a bit of rumination on the comment), would have caused me to go completely balistic on him. What an "abstract" slap in the face. He really didn't do anything wrong by making this comment, it is just thay "I am" personally offended that he is so ignorant and had two-timed you, and everything from his mouth will forever be suspect (that much I've learned through my years of experience - even without dead-on proof).

 

I continue to admire uou from afar. The count down is on. Yas

 

 

Thanks

 

Want to know something funny? Investigation Discovery, which basically plays "women scorned crime documentaries" all day long, has been awfully cathartic. I think things like "Dang, my soon-to-be-ex-husband is lucky he married me, some dudes did very little to end up as a segment on 'Wives with Knives'."

 

To be honest OP, I'm surprised you ever fell for a lazy idiot like him in the first place. Games and football and cheating seem to be the only things he has in life. And soon even cheating will be scratched (unless his OW wants him; I almost feel sorry for her!).

 

He wasn't always like this. Just before I married him, he had his own business, he gave me half his paycheck every week. He wanted to go to school for logistics. He only dabbled a little in fantasy football. We played disc golf together 2-3 times a week in the summer time. He played video games, but we played a lot of them together. We would go to parties and out to the bar and do fun things.

 

It literally all went downhill after we got married, albeit slowly. The business went belly-up due to the recession, the job he got to replace it (where he is now) payed him crap because unemployment was high, people took anything (then once things got better, he never looked for something better - but that's because his OW works there). He started getting really, really into football and fantasy everything - hockey, basketball, baseball, football. His 'preferred education' changed to wanting a "video game programming & design" degree . He fancies himself a professional disc golfer and only really plays in tournaments. I just want to play recreationally and have fun, we barely ever play together anymore because I'm "too slow" and I "suck at disc golf" and he is TERRIBLE at trying to coach me, so I gave up. He never wants to go out and do things, I would say 7 out of 10 gatherings with our friends, I have to explain why he's not there (usually disc golf tournaments, but more recently it's been "He'd rather sit at home and play video games than socialize face to face with his friends and family").

 

In fact, one of the last fights we had was about when to leave a party, even though we both drove separately. I told him he could go home and I'd see him there. He threw a minor tantrum, but left eventually and I had a good time with my girlfriends. I got home 2 hours after he did. He refused to speak to me, even though we had guests, and wouldn't talk to me all of the next day! Mind you, that was one of the weirdest arguments I think we ever had, none of it made sense, and all of it was because of his insistence that I leave with him, even though I was having a good time. Perhaps he thought I might pick up a dude at the bar?

 

His attitude has completely changed, too. He used to be fun/funny, made me laugh all the time. Now he is sullen and moody, he can't take a joke and when he tries to make jokes, they come off as mean. He doesn't think he has changed, but it's like there's a dark cloud hanging over him all the time. Makes me wonder which happened first: The affair or the cloud?

 

And do not feel bad for the OW at all. Her poor BS wants babies more than anything, she's incapable of carrying them to term, and he's giving up that chance to have children to be married to a lying, cheating homewrecker. In fact, I HOPE that when I reveal the truth to her BS that he leaves her and OW and my WH end up with each other. They deserve each other, completely.

[MightyQuinn]

Just a couple of thoughts which I hope will be some bit of help... The first of which is: lady, you kick ass! And I don't necessarily intend that in a "kick his ass" way, (although you are certainly entitled to make your own choices on that...) but in the way you have been decisive, calm (I know you probably don't feel that way yourself...) and focused on your course of action. Many of us, in your position, spent a lot of time wandering, pleading, steering in circles, etc. I admire your focus.

 

All I can think of here, is - as much as you can - be thankful for and "love" the fact that you are in control, you have laid yourself a sensible course of action, and you are proceeding sharply on task. Again, it may not help, because I'm essentially saying "gee, it could be worse..." but many of us wandered helpless for some time in situations similar to yours. The loss of control (which I'm sure you feel in some significant ways) is agonizing and painful. You have quickly given yourself a purpose, a goal, and this gives you control, which is power. Not over him, necessarily, but power within your own life, and this is precious!

 

Thanks for this I think the only reason why I'm able to be as focused as I am is because of having LS as an outlet, my bestie, antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds and realism.

 

It's weird, anxiety makes you think and do weird things. My anxiety issues always tell me to question everything, even when there is no reason to. So a few months back, my anxiety started saying things like "he is cheating on you" (anxiety also made me question many other aspects of my life, not just my relationship). I had no reason to think he was cheating, there was no "lost time" and we were together a lot and we seemed happy. But it made me think a lot about what I would do if I did catch him cheating. Of course, I could do nothing less than leave - after all we've been through and all we've grown, if he could still think so little of me that he could cheat, then I am done. It was almost like my anxiety prepared me for this possibility, so part of my brain was "coping" with it before I ever knew the infidelity was happening. But the anxiety was so bad, about a month before I discovered his infidelities, I got on Zoloft. I swear I can tell the difference in how I'm feeling and coping because 1-2 days I've forgotten to take it and I was weepy all day.

 

Having LS has been great, too. It gives me a place to go in the middle of the day when thoughts of "home" life become overwhelming.

 

I think without the plan, without the knowledge that this is a limited situation and knowing I won't have to endure it for much longer, and without the few outlets that I have, I would be going crazy. I think I would have cracked by now. Instead of being aloof and observant, I would be a hysterical mess and I would have played my hand - he'd know. I wouldn't be in control, he would probably be trying to gaslight me big time right now. Sometimes I feel like I'm hanging by a thread, but as long as I have this plan, my bestie, and LS, I can do this.

 

Let me just add I am very pleased for you that you do have a real-life, in-the-flesh friend with whom you have shared this, and who is there in support of you. That's HUGE. Again, this is a positive thing by virtue of "how it could be worse", but to have a live, caring person there, who knows you closely, is a huge help, and I'm glad you have confided in her. Folks will give you support here, and sometimes it will be very well-suited, because some of us have been through some shockingly similar situations that perhaps your friend has not. But to have even just one friend there, in person, caring for you and about you is a real gift - I'm glad you have her.

 

OMG yes. it's one thing to be able to pour my guts out here, and I certainly have, but I have needed hugs. I have needed someone who knows him to be just as incredulous as I am. This bestie actually introduced the two of us. She has gone so far as to apologize profusely for ever meeting him. It's one thing to read it here, but she has said the words to me "You deserve so much better than this and I'm so sorry this is happening to you." Without her, I would have cracked, too.

 

Thanks everyone.... I seriously would not be doing as well as I am if any aspect of the support I have was missing, including all of the support and cheers I've gotten here at LS. I cannot say "thank you" enough.

 

P.S. Here is a peek into my mind right now, thank you Napoleon XIV, too:

 

I cooked your food

I cleaned your house

And this is how you pay me back

For all my kind unselfish, loving deeds

Ha! Well you just wait

They'll find you yet and when they do

They'll put you in the A.S.P.C.A.

You mangy mutt

 

 

And

they're coming to take me away ha haaa

They're coming to take me away ha haaa ho ho hee hee

To the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time

And I'll be happy to see those nice young men

In their clean white coats

And they're coming to take me away

 

To the happy home with trees and flowers and chirping birds

And basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes

And they're coming to take me away ha haaa!

 

:rolleyes:

[No Limit]

Sounds like OW got him comfortable and turned him into the spoiled rat he is today. Sad, but oh well. Maybe that cloud will vanish when he can finally express his feelings for her - if there are any - to the whole world.

 

I wonder what his other coworkers will think of that (or maybe they knew?); some people lose their jobs over affairs at work.

[MightyQuinn]

Sounds like OW got him comfortable and turned him into the spoiled rat he is today. Sad, but oh well. Maybe that cloud will vanish when he can finally express his feelings for her - if there are any - to the whole world.

 

I wonder what his other coworkers will think of that (or maybe they knew?); some people lose their jobs over affairs at work.

 

I suspect at least one of his coworkers knew, but he has left to work someplace else. WH could be up for a supervisor position - I bet that would be in jeopardy if the company knew, as he could potentially be her superior. Plus, it's kind of a conservative place - they might not take too kindly in general to find out two of their employees broke wedding vows with each other. I guess time will tell on that, I want him to suffer to some degree, but it wouldn't help the situation if he was jobless.

[MightyQuinn]

So I finally got word that I'm approved for the great apartment that I really wanted. I basically just have to sign the lease and pick up the keys.

 

Now I have gone from freaking out because this might not happen, to freaking out because now I have to put my money where my mouth is.

 

I keep having minor second thoughts. I'd say 75% of the time, I'm really strong and feel very confident about my decision. THe other 25% I feel weak and not very confident. But I keep coming to the same conclusion: I can't trust him, I don't trust him, and I don't think I"ll trust him any more in the future than I do now. So what kind of relationship is that? It isn't one.

 

Old habits are hard to break after 13 years I'm slightly afraid of being alone, but I'm actually more afraid of staying and constantly feeling like I have to check up on him so he doesn't cheat. Again, that's not a relationship.

 

But I've loved him so much and for so long, it's natural to have second thoughts. I just wish I could make them go away. It would be easier if we were arguing right now or something. In fact, I just feel ignored, he spent all of Saturday and Sunday in his man cave watching sports and playing video games. Yesterday, he worked, came home and took a nap, and from 8 PM on, he sat in his man cave watching football. This is basically how it's been since football started. WHY am I even possibly having second thoughts about this?

 

I am still pretty determined.... Just trying to work through some emotions

[CarrieT]

I said it earlier but will say it again: I am so frigg*n proud of you, MQ!

 

Hold on to the strength and know that very shortly, will have a profound sense of freedom and exhilaration!

[No Limit]

Great news about your apartment, congratulations! Only 6 days to go!

 

And I think your current doubts caused by emotional conflicts might go away after D-Day. I dare doubt that someone like him will get a perfect remorseful-husband-act together for long. You'll get your rage power back pretty quick when he starts calling you the cause for his cheating.

 

Want to know what it's like to be alone? You go home and don't have a cheating prick wearing you down, to name only one change.

[oldshirt]

Now I have gone from freaking out because this might not happen, to freaking out because now I have to put my money where my mouth is.

 

 

You are what you do, not what you think, feel or say. You are taking action, that says it all.

 

I keep having minor second thoughts. I'd say 75% of the time, I'm really strong and feel very confident about my decision. THe other 25% I feel weak and not very confident.

 

 

If you were 51% to 49% and were still taking action, I would still think you were doing great. Again, it's what you do that will be your legacy, not what you think or what you feel.

It you are doing what you think is in your best interest, that is what counts. Eisenhower had unknowns and conflicting thoughts when he ordered the D-Day invasion at Normandy. Truman had concerns when he ordered the atom bomb dropped on Hiroshima. They were victorious because they took action based on what they thought the best outcome would be and are not remembered for their second thoughts or their personal conflicts within themselves.

 

 

But I keep coming to the same conclusion: I can't trust him, I don't trust him, and I don't think I"ll trust him any more in the future than I do now. So what kind of relationship is that? It isn't one.

 

People divorce when the pain and fear and anxiety of leaving is less than the pain, fear and anxiety of staying.

It's not about what is all flowers, singing birds and sunshine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Old habits are hard to break after 13 years I'm slightly afraid of being alone, but I'm actually more afraid of staying and constantly feeling like I have to check up on him so he doesn't cheat. Again, that's not a relationship.

 

 

See what I said above.

 

But I've loved him so much and for so long, it's natural to have second thoughts. I just wish I could make them go away.

 

 

It is natural. you have a long history together and many of those times were good. The present and presumably the future are unacceptable but that doesn't mean that the good times of the past cease to exist. It is natural to have second thoughts but second thoughts don't change the current reality.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It would be easier if we were arguing right now or something. In fact, I just feel ignored, he spent all of Saturday and Sunday in his man cave watching sports and playing video games. Yesterday, he worked, came home and took a nap, and from 8 PM on, he sat in his man cave watching football. This is basically how it's been since football started. WHY am I even possibly having second thoughts about this?

 

Because you're human.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am still pretty determined.... Just trying to work through some emotions

 

 

You got this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

responses above.

[oldshirt]

So a guestion - do you have contingency plans in place for if things don't go.... well, according to plan???

 

 

Such has do you have plans in place in case he finds out about your planned departure this weekend and cancels his plans and begs and pleads for you to stay and "work things out"?

 

 

do you have plans in place in case he tries to physically prevent you from moving out?

 

 

Do you have plans if he can somehow come up with some kind of proof that no physical contact actually occurred? ( I don't know what that might be, but do you have a plan in case he does come up with something?)

 

 

I can't remember if you have separate bank accounts and credit cards etc but do you have plans in place in case he finds out and cancels joint cards and blocks bank withdrawls etc?

 

 

Do you have plans in place for when he calls your parents/siblings/family and turns it all around and makes it sound like you are the one flying off the handle and they contact you asking you if you are "sure" and encourage you to at least try to "work on it"?

 

 

How about if his family start contacting you pleading with you to give it a second chance and to stay in the home until you can go through marital counseling?

 

 

Do you have a plan in place if friends and relatives all show up while you are trying to move out and all of them are pleading with you to give it a little more time and not jump to any rash conclusions?

 

 

I am not trying to add to your stress and anxiety but bringing up all these 'what ifs?" but much of you game plan depends on him not finding out that you are moving out and depends on him being passive and sitting by patiently while you move and set up a new home and a new life.

 

 

One intercepted letter from the apartment company or one phone call or him seeing one wrong txt or email change your whole strategy.

[Trimmer]

So I finally got word that I'm approved for the great apartment that I really wanted. I basically just have to sign the lease and pick up the keys.

I don't know you or your situation in great detail, of course, but I kind of figured that if they took your deposit, they already liked you "on paper" as a tenant - you had obviously already cleared most of their thresholds, and they were just completing "due diligence" checks to make sure there were no show-stoppers. I'm glad it actually turned out that way.

 

Old habits are hard to break after 13 years I'm slightly afraid of being alone, but I'm actually more afraid of staying and constantly feeling like I have to check up on him so he doesn't cheat. Again, that's not a relationship.

I know that fear of being alone, because I have been in an ending marriage where the fear of being alone was strong in me. All I can tell you is that if you are a fully-formed individual, reasonably capable of being in control of your life - and you surely sound like you are - then yes, it is a scary change, but one to which you will adapt just fine, and you will almost certainly even find things to appreciate, and even relish, about it. Don't fear it just because it is a change; don't cling to the past just because it is familiar.

 

I keep having minor second thoughts. I'd say 75% of the time, I'm really strong and feel very confident about my decision. THe other 25% I feel weak and not very confident. But I keep coming to the same conclusion: I can't trust him, I don't trust him, and I don't think I"ll trust him any more in the future than I do now. So what kind of relationship is that? It isn't one.

Yes, you need to keep your focus on the real issue here, which is that of trust and his willful betrayal and deception. Let me add in one more of your comments here:

 

But I've loved him so much and for so long, it's natural to have second thoughts. I just wish I could make them go away. It would be easier if we were arguing right now or something. In fact, I just feel ignored, he spent all of Saturday and Sunday in his man cave watching sports and playing video games. Yesterday, he worked, came home and took a nap, and from 8 PM on, he sat in his man cave watching football. This is basically how it's been since football started. WHY am I even possibly having second thoughts about this?

OK, here's an important point: don't shift the script on yourself. You are about to make an important and huge life change for a very valid reason, but don't accidentally slip into arguing with yourself over whether he spends too much time in his man cave, football season or video games, or whether he pays enough of the right kind of attention to you. These are irritants, but these are not the issues driving this change.

 

He cheated on you. For months. Years. And he willfully deceived you, leading you away from the truth, causing your anxiety to flare and causing you to question your own perceptions.

 

The man cave and the attention he pays you are valid, but they are secondary. Remember what this is all about:

 

...I put some things together, did a little snooping, and found out he had been screwing one of his coworkers for months.

 

I discovered this almost 2 weeks ago and I haven't yet confronted him. I don't really feel the need to talk with him about it or find out more, because there's no need to talk, there is no fixing this.

 

I would work with him on just about anything, but I can never trust a word he says again.... to take all the time and effort that he could be investing in our relationship, and investing it keeping a secret affair? All the while acting with me like he worships the ground I walk on and that we're possibly the happiest we've ever been? That's a level of betrayal and disrespect I can never forgive....

 

He told this woman that he loved her and that he thought she was prettier than me and they even dressed in a paired Halloween costume at their workplace. I go to a friend's house regularly on Thursdays, he invited her to secretly come over TO OUR HOUSE so they could screw while he was supposed to be watching the football game.

 

 

Holy crap. I just found naked photos and masturbation videos of the OW on WS's hard drive.

 

FROM TWO YEARS AGO!!!!!!

So it wasn't a drunken, stupid, one-night stand. It wasn't even the "months" you originally thought you discovered. It was years of betrayal, hiding, and intentional deception.

 

I don't take any pleasure in rubbing your nose in those cold, hard facts, but I do want to be sure that you aren't sitting there, turning this thing over in your hands, examining it and - out of nostalgia and a fear of making a big change and adapting to being alone - focusing on "well, maybe if he paid more attention to me, maybe he could change..." kind of stuff.

 

The primary issue, the huge issue, the ONLY issue that you need to drive you forward (and away) is his willful betrayal, and intentional deception, carried out for years.

 

{ And also, just to fuel the fire a bit more, I've always thought that the whole "bring her into our marital home" thing is yet an extra layer of hurt above the intense pain of the fundamental betrayal. It's hard to see this as anything but an intentional slap - a really mean and humiliating one. It basically gives power to the OW above the wife: look what I will let you do, and my wife is powerless. You come first. }

 

You are not making a decision to walk away from a working marriage. He made the decision to do that - at least two full years ago - and left a broken one in its place. You are making the decision to escape the wreckage that you did not cause.

[MightyQuinn]

I said it earlier but will say it again: I am so frigg*n proud of you, MQ!

 

Hold on to the strength and know that very shortly, will have a profound sense of freedom and exhilaration!

 

Great news about your apartment, congratulations! Only 6 days to go!

 

And I think your current doubts caused by emotional conflicts might go away after D-Day. I dare doubt that someone like him will get a perfect remorseful-husband-act together for long. You'll get your rage power back pretty quick when he starts calling you the cause for his cheating.

 

Want to know what it's like to be alone? You go home and don't have a cheating prick wearing you down, to name only one change.

 

You got this.

 

I don't take any pleasure in rubbing your nose in those cold, hard facts, but I do want to be sure that you aren't sitting there, turning this thing over in your hands, examining it and - out of nostalgia and a fear of making a big change and adapting to being alone - focusing on "well, maybe if he paid more attention to me, maybe he could change..." kind of stuff.

 

The primary issue, the huge issue, the ONLY issue that you need to drive you forward (and away) is his willful betrayal, and intentional deception, carried out for years.

 

{ And also, just to fuel the fire a bit more, I've always thought that the whole "bring her into our marital home" thing is yet an extra layer of hurt above the intense pain of the fundamental betrayal. It's hard to see this as anything but an intentional slap - a really mean and humiliating one. It basically gives power to the OW above the wife: look what I will let you do, and my wife is powerless. You come first. }

 

You are not making a decision to walk away from a working marriage. He made the decision to do that - at least two full years ago - and left a broken one in its place. You are making the decision to escape the wreckage that you did not cause.

 

Thanks for these posts, it was a good pep talk that I needed at the time. I didn't respond earlier because I've just been trying to work through the angst. It's weird, how I described it to my bestie last night is like trying to remind yourself someone has died. Instead of suddenly having the urge to call someone who isn't there, I have the urge to reach out for affection from someone who is a liar and a cheat. I'm not used to the idea yet that he is a cheat, and it's not like I've forgotten or forgiven by any means, but eventually it will completely settle in that he is a cheater and a liar and unworthy of my attention, let alone my affection.

 

That being said..........

 

I HAVE THE KEYS TO A NEW APARTMENT! One more night of hanging out with him and pretending to love him, one more night of sleeping under the same roof and in the same bed..... Then tomorrow morning, he gets on an airplane to go halfway across the U.S. to accomplish a life-long dream, while I pack up all my $hit and give up on my life-long plans with him.

 

Just to be sure, I'm not feeling bad about it at all anymore. First, it helps that last night, knowing that I was going to sign the lease today, I went over the "evidence" with my bestie. Once she saw it, and knew the contents, I could spill about everything I was feeling. She's practically ready to hire a skywriter to tell everyone how much of an ********* my STBXH is and how much of a homewrecker the OW is.

 

Second, After I got the keys and went to go look at the apartment for the first time after my name was signed to it, I smiled so hard that tears sprouted. I walked around and thought of all the places where my stuff is going to go. I started thinking about how my days would be different, no longer having to support him, having a shorter commute to work, and there's a FITNESS CENTER on site, so I'm STOKED at the idea of having someplace convenient to exercise and get out all of the aggression I'm feeling towards my STBX. I'm already in love with my new life and it hasn't even started yet.

 

Thanks so much for LS and everyone here and all the support I've been getting. Depending on how my internet access stuff pans out, I might be offline for a few days while I pack and unpack and get all the utilities / cable stuff set up. But once I'm settled in, I'll be back with an update.

 

I'm in the home stretch. He will be gone by 6 AM tomorrow, so only 14 hours left of faking! And for about half of that, I'll be asleep!

 

THIS IS HAPPENING!!!!! Wooohoo! :bunny::bunny:

Edited December 19, 2014 by MightyQuinn

[No Limit]

Damn, now I feel like getting pom poms and preparing some cheerleader dance choreography. Great news though, you're almost there! I'll definitely raise a glass to you tomorrow night with a few buddies.

[Clay]

You need to do one more thing lol. Put cameras in your old home with him. Have them stream over the Internet. The look on his face when he walks in and realizes your gone will be priceless. Watch his whole world crash down just like yours did when you discovered the cheating. I would even put copies of the evidence you found on the table for him to read. I would add one more note on top. I used this on my xW.

 

Don't Call.

Don't Write.

We are not friends.

 

 

Clay

Edited December 19, 2014 by Clay

[No Limit]

I used this on my xW.

 

What? And you never shared the footage?!

[Clay]

What? And you never shared the footage?!

 

 

 

I meant the Don't Call, Don't write, were are not friends. She was so pissed when I told her that. She felt we should be able to be friends. I was like are you kidding. Stupid people will never learn.

 

 

Clay

[beach]

I'm very excited for you! For your new life and your new beginning!

 

Man, it feels like Christmas!

 

If you need to - shut off all utilities at the old place and turn them on in your name at the new place.

 

He can pay to have them turned on in his name... He may have to live a few days without electricity or water - but hey, that's a price to pay for cheating.

[BexBounds]

So I finally got word that I'm approved for the great apartment that I really wanted. I basically just have to sign the lease and pick up the keys.

 

Now I have gone from freaking out because this might not happen, to freaking out because now I have to put my money where my mouth is.

 

I keep having minor second thoughts. I'd say 75% of the time, I'm really strong and feel very confident about my decision. THe other 25% I feel weak and not very confident. But I keep coming to the same conclusion: I can't trust him, I don't trust him, and I don't think I"ll trust him any more in the future than I do now. So what kind of relationship is that? It isn't one.

 

Old habits are hard to break after 13 years I'm slightly afraid of being alone, but I'm actually more afraid of staying and constantly feeling like I have to check up on him so he doesn't cheat. Again, that's not a relationship.

 

But I've loved him so much and for so long, it's natural to have second thoughts. I just wish I could make them go away. It would be easier if we were arguing right now or something. In fact, I just feel ignored, he spent all of Saturday and Sunday in his man cave watching sports and playing video games. Yesterday, he worked, came home and took a nap, and from 8 PM on, he sat in his man cave watching football. This is basically how it's been since football started. WHY am I even possibly having second thoughts about this?

 

I am still pretty determined.... Just trying to work through some emotions

 

Well done and making a definite move towards a new life! I know exactly how you feel, because that's pretty much where I am right now. Feeling enthusiastic and in control one minute, and in tears the next. I even find myself feeling that you are more justified than I am because of the other woman thing, but I just have to remind myself that we each of our own story. Be strong!