The last straw, I'm giving up...

[oldshirt]

I truly hope she does return and update us even if it is to say that she backed down and is in reconciliation.

 

We all realize people change their minds and realize circumstances can change.

 

I agree that there is education value in this thread as well as a sincere desire to know if she is ok and know what is taking place.

[Trimmer]

Hey Trimmer,

 

Ya gotta just cut this one lose. She didn't give a dang to get back to us after all that grief and excitement, anticipation. That is kinda rude. Not to mention the learning experience others might have had, either way, from what occurred in this event. She chose to provide every single intimate detail. An inspiring story to me, and surely others. And then, did a disappear.

 

To drop off the map - I cannot see a good reason for that at all. Unless she was murdered. Even if she backed down, or was talked out of proceeding - there was much for LSer's to learn from her experience. I feel really cheated, personally. You can just forget it. She is not going to come back, unless it is to spite this statement. I am so disappointed, whenever I see MQ's post come up and it IS NOT her. Let it die. Yas

I understand your frustration but I don't share it. I figure that there are often things that happen in people's lives (and hearts) that are way more complex than I can presume to predict or guess, and on LS, although I hold open all possibilities (including the negative ones) I don't get wrapped up in assuming "rude" or "obliged" or whatever until proven.

 

I find when some kind of frustration with a thread does happen to me, I just manually unsubscribe from the thread (kinda like blocking it) and then it won't pop up in your individual "new threads", unless you happen to run across it in the site-wide new threads list.

 

As oldshirt put it, my desire to hear about her is just a sincere and open interest to know she is OK, whatever path that has been.

[Ducktape]

Hey Trimmer,

 

Ya gotta just cut this one lose. She didn't give a dang to get back to us after all that grief and excitement, anticipation. That is kinda rude. Not to mention the learning experience others might have had, either way, from what occurred in this event. She chose to provide every single intimate detail. An inspiring story to me, and surely others. And then, did a disappear.

 

To drop off the map - I cannot see a good reason for that at all. Unless she was murdered. Even if she backed down, or was talked out of proceeding - there was much for LSer's to learn from her experience. I feel really cheated, personally. You can just forget it. She is not going to come back, unless it is to spite this statement. I am so disappointed, whenever I see MQ's post come up and it IS NOT her. Let it die. Yas

Well, it's certainly not by reading such self entitled comments that she'll feel like writing the last chapter of her story when she's ready to do so.

 

You feel cheated? Who the hell are you? What a bad and miserable person you are, to think YOU deserve an end to HER story.

[Ralph79]

Well, it's certainly not by reading such self entitled comments that she'll feel like writing the last chapter of her story when she's ready to do so.

 

You feel cheated? Who the hell are you? What a bad and miserable person you are, to think YOU deserve an end to HER story.

 

I feel like we're all bound together by a common feeling. Each one of us is fighting their own personal war. In most cases, we feel we've already lost. And we come here because we know LS'ers in this particular forum know exactly how we feel. In a lot of cases we stick up for each other when real friends have thrown in the towel.

 

I can understand where Yasuandio is coming from, although it's too soon to assume anything at this point. She invested herself emotionally in this person and it would be nice to have some feedback, but we must not forget that none of us are obliged to "report back".

 

If our SO came back, our trail of posts we left on this forum is usually filled with hate, sorrow and misery. And although they are surrounded by thougtful and inspiring replies, some people don't want to re-open this forum when they are in the process of "working things out". It would trigger a lot of memories and moments we want to overcome.

 

For my part, if there is an update on my life story, I would share it for the sake of passing on a learning experience in gratitude for the support I received. But I wouldn't be emotionally prepared to do so until months or years later.

 

And @Ducktape, we're all hurting. There's no need to be angry among ourselves. I can understand Yasuandio feeling a little used when there was so much time and emotion invested in someone else's problems without having feedback. Having said that, we must not forget that we volunteered to give that support, we weren't ordered to. And while we shouldn't do it expecting closure, it would be a great courtesy for the OP to provide it.

[beach]

Many times here we never get any "ending".

 

My hope is that this poster is safe and has remained strong in her transition.

 

IF we hear anything further - it's a bonus... Like a chapter book...

[Trimmer]

Actually, although I don't share Yas' feelings, I can understand them. The part of her post I particularly reacted to was this:

I am so disappointed, whenever I see MQ's post come up and it IS NOT her. Let it die. Yas

...the implication being that I was causing her disappointment by bumping the thread and that I should "let it die" to save her from further disappointment. If that was indeed the implication, then I respectfully object.

 

My main intent in responding was to point out (I hope politely) that if one becomes so emotionally invested in a thread that it causes any kind of anguish, that it is always a reasonable option to unsubscribe oneself from that thread, or simply cease to participate, instead of expecting everyone else to "let it die."

 

I hope the OP is doing well and safe, I have a small amount of concern that she may not be. I will live with the anguish.

[BetrayedH]

Bear in mind that the while thing could have been a troll thread. I've been caught up in a few (and I wasn't happy about it). When I realized that I'd been emotionally investing in a totally fake scenario, I decided to stop making such an emotional investment. I now enter each thread with the assumption that the whole thing could be phoney baloney.

 

She could be back with her man, she could be dead, and she could be a 15 year old guy sitting in his underwear in his Mom's basement getting a good laugh out of all of these people that are overly invested in his fabricated story.

 

Once it had happened to me more than once, it changed my perspective. My advice is now free to whomever decides to read it, whether the OP is real or not. I don't expect anything.

[Ducktape]

Once it had happened to me more than once, it changed my perspective. My advice is now free to whomever decides to read it, whether the OP is real or not. I don't expect anything.

And I believe it is the right attitude to have. Helping others on this forum should be a selfless act of kindness and experience, one shouldn't expect anything in return. Yes, it is interesting to see how things turn out, whether it is for the best or for the worst. But one shouldn't expect anything in return. This is not a video game where you choose the actions of the main protagonist, or a choose your own adventure kind of book.

 

And I fully understand that some people will help others for that "feel good" feeling they will have, knowing they made a difference. That's fine. Humans are a very selfish species. But you gotta draw the line somewhere, it's not because you helped someone, that you own part of his/her story and deserves anything in return. If that's the assumption someone has, he/she should revisit the reasons for the need to help others.

[Yasuandio]

Sometimes moderators close intense threads when an OP seems to abandon for whatever reason. It has been since December 19 that most, if not all of us were on the edge of our seats, cheering for MQ, hoping, praying for the best turn out, no matter what.

 

Of course, it is her choice to cut completely correspondence with the LS support team, she so praised, many times over.

 

She is gone now. The OP's thread, to which we are STILL posting, may or may not be received by a non-respondent. The topic of OP's thread, "The Last Straw, I'm Giving Up....." is completely irrelevant at this time, yet puzzling, mysterious, and even a bit prophetic.

 

I have no rights to any expectation of a response from a poster. And I agree, I have also no right to tell Mr. Trimmer to "Let it Die." I stand corrected. I'm sorry I responded in such an emotional manner, Mr. Trimmer. Please accept my humble, and sincere apology.

 

However, I do have a right to express how I perceive the situation, and I have a right to express my feeling about said. I was disappointed.

 

I admired MQ, as she seemed to be accomplishing the impossible (I could never keep my mouth shut in the situation she was describing). Her stellar conduct made me check myself, and ask, what is wrong with me? Why can I not contain myself in this manner? Even when I know better, when I see a perfect model before my eyes at this moment, why can I not follow this outstanding example?

 

There is much to be learned in the proper handling of the "cheater events," and I was absorbing an education along with the rest of you, so I might help others. The outcome did not matter at all to me. I would understand if MQ decided to reconcile with her husband. A shock, a "wake-up call," for a marriage partner, if it comes right in time, a marriage can be saved. When a couple is facing separation and divorce, it is often found that both have contributed to fall-out. I for one, can can now, in retrospect, see 101 ways in which I might have focused on cleaning up my act (but it is too late). If the event might have actually saved her marriage, I wish I knew that, actually.

 

That brings me to my reasons for participating on LS as long as I have. The site has educated me. I try my best to pass this education along with my experience down to new-comers in the Separation and Divorce section forum, with my particular style.

 

So what did I learn from MQ? I learned something does not feel right about this thread. I also learned that I may have been rather hard on myself, by comparing how poorly I handled my situation to MQ's seemingly flawless handling of really hideous and painful information she learned of and endured with neutrality, hurdles she leaped masterfully, surprises - the unexpected she encountered with such intuitive stealth.

 

As is said, here on LS as advice sometimes, "without expectations, there will be no disappointments." I learned from the recent posts herein that I should be less personal on this site. Not concerned with checking back. Give a post, a general opinion, suggestion, and back off, I think that is the good guideline for ME only, now.

 

Anyway, that might help you guys understand my take a bit. And again, I certainly am sorry to anyone I offended with my off-the-cuff emotional response. Thank you for giving me this reflection. And I do so much appreciate this LS community, truely. Yas

[Trimmer]

I have no rights to any expectation of a response from a poster. And I agree, I have also no right to tell Mr. Trimmer to "Let it Die." I stand corrected. I'm sorry I responded in such an emotional manner, Mr. Trimmer. Please accept my humble, and sincere apology.

I absolutely understand where it was coming from. No worries!

 

However, I do have a right to express how I perceive the situation, and I have a right to express my feeling about said. I was disappointed.

I completely agree. It's actually been an interesting discussion, exploring what each of us expects and how each of us reacts to such an apparent disappearance. That only happens if everyone gets to speak.

[81West]

We're all just imperfect people who are often locked in lifelong patterns of relating to others and ourselves. I noticed a while ago that the first time MQ sought discussion and advice a period of years ago she just dropped off the face of the earth then too. She later explained that things had improved in her relationship at that time. I think and hope we can assume she's safe and this is just her own way of managing life and emotions when things shift.

Edited January 29, 2015 by 81West

[MightyQuinn]

OK, So I was gone way longer than I had expected. I haven't read all the way through all the messages, but I wanted to post an update.

 

Things didn't go as I had expected...

 

tl;dr: He surprised me, then did something completely unsurprising, and I live in my new apartment, and we're getting divorced.

 

 

I had the last load of stuff in my car, which was pets and food, car was running, I was about to basically leave for the last time to my new apartment when WS showed up unexpectedly. I had expected anger and explosiveness - what he said shocked me. He had been thinking about how much of an ass he was for about 1-2 months (not just the cheating, but other things). That weekend I was packing up and leaving, he had spent it with his mom and dad, who have been seperated for 10+ years. He talked to both of them about relationships and over the course of the weekend, he had an epiphany that our relationship was a lot like theirs and he was a giant ******* who treated me like **** and shouldn't be surprised if I left him.

 

So when he came home and saw that I was packing up, he asked if we could sit and talk for a little bit. We did. He admitted all the things that I'd been pleading about with him for years were his responsibility and that he wasn't being a partner to me at all. He admitted he was depressed and had been for months, and it was coming out as anger and he was taking his emotional problems out on me instead of admitting he needed help. He admitted he had some sex issues that I've been trying to point out that he insisted was "normal." He "came clean" about his affair (in quotations because I already knew, and also said it was only one time, but I don't believe that at all), said it was the biggest mistake of his life. He said he'd get help for depression and his sex issues, he'd get a new job, and please, please, please could we try marriage counseling? I said yes. Honestly, I really didn't have any hope because I didn't know if I could believe him, but his response caught me soooo off guard. I took my vows seriously and didn't necessarily want to get divorced, so when he showed such unexpected remorse, I felt like I had to say yes. Plus I wanted to get out of the house and after 5 hours of conversation, me and all my stuff and my pets were in my new apartment.

 

Ever since then, He has been living in the town house with a roommate. It was promising to see him learning how to maintain a household and be an adult, whether we got together or not, it would have been good for him. He's been tested for STD's and is clean, he got a prescription for anti-depressants, he's trying to find an individual counselor for himself and I had started trying to find a marriage counselor for us, but I had a lot of stuff to deal with after I moved out, and I haven't been too keen on it even working, so I haven't been motivated. I've just been enjoying myself and feeling the freedom of dropping 190 pounds of dead weight. It occurred to me that I don't really miss him at all.

 

And even with this counseling idea on the table, I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with him and ever feel like I wouldn't have to snoop on him or ask his friends what he has been up to. Not a good relationship, right? So we've had lunch, we've watched TV together, he's pressured me hard for sex 'cause "we're adults" and whatever, but I haven't given in. I can't even believe that he would think something like that would be on the table when it hasn't even been 2 months since I left him for CHEATING ON ME, nothing has been fixed.

 

Fast forward to Valentine's day. We were going to go out for lunch. I got to his place and he was running late, he wasn't ready, had to jump in the shower and he'd be done in a few minutes. And his roommate was gone. So guess what I did? I snooped. First, I looked in the bedroom for this shoebox where we kept the condoms and other naughty toys. 2-3 condoms were missing. Then I snooped on his computer and what did I find? He still has naked photos of the OW, and 30+ links to none other than Ashley Madison (I snapped photos of some of the links so I could research them at home and discovered that for most of them, you have to have signed up for an account - so he wasn't just browsing, he was there trolling for strange).

 

It didn't really mess with my stride at all, I already expected to find something like this, in fact I would have been SHOCKED if I wouldn't have found anything in his history that was suspicious. He finished in the shower, got ready, we went out, he bought me lunch and drinks (free food!), then I told him I had plans with my bestie to sing karaoke and left him to watch basketball.

 

Bestie and I came to my house and just had drinks and talked about how painfully stupid WS is. He THOUGHT he had a chance to reconcile with "the best thing that ever happened to him" and even knowing that the threat to his lifestyle and future plans was great enough that I have been living in my own apartment, he couldn't stop himself from trying to fornicate outside his marriage. More than ever, I wonder how long he has been like this. For all I know, he's never, ever been faithful. I've really done most of my mourning for this relationship before I moved out and in the 7-10 days of living in my new apartment. Since then, I haven't really cried. Haven't missed him. Felt like seeing him was a chore. Dreaded his texts and voicemails. I'm over it/over him. I'm sooo much happier without him.

 

So... I'm still looking for a marriage counselor. But it will be more of a "closure" thing than a "reconciliation" thing.

 

OK, that's a lot of typing. I'll mosey on, but I'll be back needed to at least provide an update. This place was a great place for me to lean on when I couldn't talk to anyone else Y'all were of a great support to me and I wanted to let you know that basically, it all worked out as expected for the most part. The hard part is over as far as I'm concerned, the actual legal procedure to divorce is going to be so much easier and better knowing that everything of value I needed is with me, and I live 30 miles away from him.

 

Thanks again for your support, y'all :) :bunny:

Edited February 16, 2015 by MightyQuinn

[Trimmer]

Thanks for the update. I was just worried that something really bad might have happened to you... Hang in there and stay strong!

[CarrieT]

What Trimmer said; we were really worried about you...

[MightyQuinn]

Thanks for the concern and sorry to worry you all I was just dealing with stuff, shocked at first, then keeping myself busy and really unplugged from the internet for quite a while. I even let a membership in one of my online games lapse. Now I'm wondering WTF I'm going to do when I ultimately end up in this realm that I've never explored in my life, because it wasn't really a thing the last time I was single: Online dating. Tindr sounds like a nightmare.

[beach]

Good to hear you are safe and on a road to being happy.

 

Thanks for the update!

[BetrayedH]

Welcome back.

 

It might be fun for you to setup a profile on Ashley Madison. Maybe you could get a date with your soon-to-be-ex-husband. At least you wouldn't have to listen to his plausible deniability bullcrap.

 

At minimum, my vote would be to screw the marriage counseling. It'd be a farce. Spend your time with your attorney instead.

[Mr. Lucky]

At minimum, my vote would be to screw the marriage counseling. It'd be a farce. Spend your time with your attorney instead.

 

Have to agree, not sure what MC would accomplish when you've already (rightly so!) made your decision. And I wouldn't tell him why. Let him stew for a while..

 

Mr. Lucky

[No Limit]

Glad you're back!

 

 

You can't get closure from a cheater, never could. But I guess it's only natural to be curious about what lies he comes up with next.

 

Tell the counselor that you don't trust him and think he's still in touch with his OW or keeps stuff from her. When he is finished with denying and swearing to God he would never do something like that, mention the photos you found and watch for his reaction.

 

Him pushing for sex is also a sign that he doesn't really seem to be worried about you emotionally at all. It's still all about him, and I doubt that will change. Leave him to women like OW, you need someone on your level.

[Yasuandio]

So relieved you are OK!

 

There is no room for doubt, you know exactly "WHO" he is now (or always was), and ya "Won't get fooled again!"

 

Good Luck, Yas

Edited February 16, 2015 by Yasuandio

[oldshirt]

Thanks for the update although my condolences on it not being what anyone wanted to hear.

 

You did the right thing by looking deeper past the tears and the apologies and the promises. This is a good first hand lesson to all of us to look past the tears and words of redemption and see what the other person is actually DOING when no-one is watching.

 

This is a very pertinent example of actions speaking louder than words.

 

I wish you well on your journey. Please check back here for updates and please consider coming back to share your experiences and knowledge gained with other people going through similar situations. Your wisdom, advice and support would be valuable to others going through similar situations.

[WhiteWingedDove]

Thank you thank you thank you! For coming back and updating. I read every post of your story after you went 'underground' and was so much wanting to know how things went for you (as I relate to much of what you've gone through) I'm so glad to hear you sounding strong and taking care of yourself

[MightyQuinn]

I'm never sure if I should start a new thread or not? But all the story is basically here, so I just keep adding on to it

 

We had one marriage counseling session, last week. It was with the specific purpose to finally get through to him that I'm not in love with him anymore and I want a divorce. Several one-on-one conversations to this effect previously didn't sink in that it's not possible for us to "start over" - too much baggage and damage. He finally really got it this time, and we both agreed to an amicable divorce where no one needs lawyers and we get to decide how to divide stuff, not a judge. Awesome. He looked so sad when I left, but I felt SO MUCH BETTER knowing that the message has been clearly sent AND received, AND that he wasn't going to fight me on the divorce. All of my patience with him (that he completely didn't deserve) has paid off considerably.

 

And today, he called to let me know that he's finally admitting to himself (and to me) that we will both probably be much happier living separate lives (we already have been basically for the last 3 months!). Additionally, one of my friends also hung out with him today, that they had a good talk, and that he seemed to not only be accepting of our fate, but starting to embrace it. Finally, it might seem like a little thing, he changed his relationship status on Facebook so it no longer says we're married. I finally feel like I'm free! Just gotta actually do the divorce paperwork.

 

Not a MOMENT too soon. I've been chatting with some people online and I went on two dates this week for the first time in 13+ years. Two really great guys who were incredibly sweet, smart and so funny, I laughed the whole time. They know my situation and understand I'm not seeking anything serious right now, just a little fun. Looking forward to getting to know them and myself better!

 

I can't even describe how happy I am right now, it feels like things are really falling into place. It might not have been a conventional route. It took a lot of strategy, secrecy and patience, but it was well worth biting my tongue the many times that I did. I just wanted to be done with the relationship, I didn't want to have a long drawn out fight, no vindictiveness, just wanted to end it. And it seems like that's what I'm about to get.

[Gunny376]

Just read your initial post ~ nothing else. Enough said. The BEST predictor of FUTURE behavior is PAST behavior. Enough said on that point.

[Gunny376]

I've NEVER gotten nor can grasp the concept of "dating the payroll" even n back when I was single? I also NEVER grasped the concept of cheating while still in a competed relationship with another ~ perhaps I just don't like messes and lose ends? My concept of things are much more than just binary, but when it comes to relationships? Why start one when you've not finished the business of another ~ or at least when it comes to intimate ones?