The last straw, I'm giving up...

[GirlStillStrong]

YAY!! Awesome news! I am happy for you!

[No Limit]

I am ready to contribute part of my food budget towards MQ cheerleaders, as well, NO LIMIT. Where do we send it?

 

Minnesota, baby!

 

 

Crossing my fingers for you! But if there's a lot of competition for the apartment I'd recommend looking at some more. I wasted a week with the apartment I first fell in love in; well, turned out that my second one - and the one I'm now living in - is now even better than the other!

 

Also glad to hear that if everything goes right, you won't waste Christmas with him.

[CarrieT]

MQ, I love how you are handling this and can't wait to hear how it all plays out.

 

Keep strong and maintain the good poker face so he doesn't figure it out!

 

Big Hugs to you!!!!

[Yasuandio]

Bahahahahahahaha! I love it!

 

It is the Universe working for you, Honey!

 

Fingers and Toes Crossed!!!!! Yas

 

:D:lmao::love:

[No Limit]

OP, was your husband suspicious about you being gone for the afternoon? Or is he about to be really blindsided? (Just asking because many WS suddenly become attentive when they notice something's wrong.)

 

Of course, that works the other way around too - that they're so distracted by their affair that they wouldn't notice if their shoes were on fire.

[EverySunset]

Oh girl... We had so much of the same situation going on. I felt so dumb too. Like what's wrong with me? He was up to this for YEARS? Am I gullible? Did I trust him too much? Then I read it somewhere in a marriage building program and it made me feel better. I didn't trust him too much.

 

I trusted him more than he deserved.

 

And furthermore, he didn't deserve me anymore. And so off I went. To find somebody who did. Or not. But either way, it wasn't him.

 

You will get through this. You will walk away, you will be OK. You will move on and divorce him, in that order. You will be OK. Take it from a girl who had walked a mile in shoes a lot like yours.

 

One you get that ugly pebble out of your shoe, you'll skip. You'll be happy. And I for one, am glad to see a sister getting out and getting healthy! Find your happy place. Even now. Be good to yourself.

[MightyQuinn]

WHere to start with the replies?

 

First and foremost, thanks again for all the encouragement and support. It's so much better knowing I have this place to go to when I'm feeling overwhelmed or need to vent.

 

As for the apartment.... I gave them a damage deposit check along with my application. The deposit holds the apartment for me. As long as my background check goes through (knock on wood), the apartment should be as good as mine. I've passed every background check that's ever been done on me and I keep a good handle on my credit score, so I'm fairly confident about this apartment... If I don't pass, they will just give my check back to me and I continue my search.

 

That being said, I have been looking for other options, but I think I started my search too late. Many of the apartments in my price range that were available immediately have been snapped up and the places I've been looking at besides the one mentioned above have availability dates of January 1-6. I don't want to be living with that man to start 2015. 2015 is the Year of Me, I will be taking care of myself and recovering from this sham of a marriage. I want that recovery to be in process as of Jan. 1.

 

As for whether he noticed I was gone... I'd already talked to him a few days earlier about having an eye doctor appointment on Saturday. Then this organization with which I regularly volunteer called me up and asked if I could help supervise an event until 5. So I told him I'd be going to my eye doctor appointment and then to the event and that I wouldn't be home until after 5. Both of which were true, and I did do both of them, but in between, I went and looked at the apartment. When I went home, I made sure to bring my eyeglass prescription and programs from the event into the house so he knew for sure where I went. He didn't ask any questions, then proceeded to watch football for the rest of the evening. Typical.

 

Also, I think soon I might start a thread on how to snoop on someone's computer to find out what they've been up to, while also making sure that you cover your tracks so that person never finds out you were snooping. I've become quite an expert at it, plus covering my own tracks regarding my apartment search and whatnot (should he be snooping on my computer, that is!).

[No Limit]

2015 is the Year of Me, I will be taking care of myself and recovering from this sham of a marriage.

 

Read this should you hit a weak moment. There's nothing in your way anymore, just be patient and it will all work out.

[MightyQuinn]

Monday, I ended up crying in the bathroom at work.

 

Today, I got a lot of stuff done, didn't cry at all. Was doing great, productive, went to a board meeting for an organization where I am a volunteer. That was a nice 2 hours extra of not having to be at home.

 

Now I'm home, and I feel like I'm a ball of rage. Some primal scream therapy would be good right now. Or I wish I was in karate still - I could do some serious damage to some punching bags right now. But I don't have access to those things right now, so I just came here to share about my day.

 

Here are some songs I've been listening to today:

 

 

Anyone else got some good songs with messages like this?

[EverySunset]

Hands down, "Scars" by Papa Roach.

 

When he screams "go fix yourself" I just sit back like, yeah. I get it.

[GirlStillStrong]

Monday, I ended up crying in the bathroom at work.

 

Today, I got a lot of stuff done, didn't cry at all. Was doing great, productive, went to a board meeting for an organization where I am a volunteer. That was a nice 2 hours extra of not having to be at home.

 

Now I'm home, and I feel like I'm a ball of rage. Some primal scream therapy would be good right now. Or I wish I was in karate still - I could do some serious damage to some punching bags right now. But I don't have access to those things right now, so I just came here to share about my day.

 

Here are some songs I've been listening to today:

 

 

Anyone else got some good songs with messages like this?

Not sure about messages but whenever I'm angry or going through a bad break-up, I listen to Alanis Morrisette, Jagged Little Pill. Some good getting-out-anger songs there

[beach]

God I'm so proud of your courage and strength! I wish I'd had it at a young age!

 

Unfortunately stayed in my marriage for 20 years! But mine ended much like you plan to end yours. And I was proud of how I handled it when it ended. I was a gal with a plan and made it happen to the best of my ability.

 

 

 

...and then it happened...I got angry - really angry and didn't get honest with myself about my anger. I'd never had a voice and didn't know how to say how I really felt. I started on a downward spiral when my drinking got suddenly out of control. I went to rehab because I really had a breakdown based on my own sadness/disappointment with how happy I thought my marriage had been! How did my marriage and husband fool me so well? We had always seems so happy and had it all - even sex every day. I felt my life falling apart. I'd been with him so long I needed him! And I hated him for doing that to me at the same time.

 

Fortunately I got help and have now been sober almost 7 years. I will never hand another man that much power over my happiness ever again.

 

I'm really glad you are moving forward for your best interest. I'm just saying have a good outlet for the anger that's there and all that terrible pretending you're required to do now.

 

Stay centered - stay focused on your best interest/outcome!

 

All the best to you! Stay strong and keep moving forward! Don't look backwards!

 

Hugs!

[Yasuandio]

Get ready for that rage to not end any time soon. I held it together 20 some years myself like Beach. Now I'm paying the price. The anger pets up in your system over the years and shows up in your health.

 

Just yesterday, I had a moment of rage on the way to physiologist office, and gunned my souped up car around a corner - way too far into the red zone. One of these days, I could blow the engine on that cute little car. Then what? I gotta get this temper under control. It's bad. I'm ticked off cause the alimony is 9 days late yesterday, and I'm short on money. MFer. He's messing with me. He has tons of money.

 

Keep it together, MQ. You can do it.

 

For music, I go for insane electronic sound - "Run Lola Run." It is a sound track from a German movie. Better hear sample on Amazon first. It is pretty crazy tunes. Yas

[No Limit]

Anyone else got some good songs with messages like this?

 

Since I'm a video editor in my free-time, I got a lot of music at my disposal!

 

 

Relaxing songs:

"Get It Together" by India Arie

"You Got To Go" by Above & Beyond (Owsey Remix)

"Clocks" by Coldplay

"Cha Ching" by Imagine Dragons

"Around Us" by Jonsi

"Teardrop" by Massive Attack

 

 

Motivating/'lively' songs:

"Shake It Out" by Florence + The Machine

"Kings and Queens" by 30 Seconds To Mars

"This Is War" by 30 Seconds To Mars

"Atlas" by Coldplay

"Step Out" by Jose Gonzalez

 

 

More "aggressive" stuff if you just feel like venting (good for sport too!):

"Lies Greed Misery" by Linkin Park

"What I've Done" by Linkin Park

"New Divide" by Linkin Park

"Birth" by 30 Seconds To Mars

"All The Things She Said" by TaTu

"Don't Bother" by Shakira

"So What" by Pink

"Power" by Kayne West

"Ode To Oren Ishii" from the Kill Bill Vol. 1 OST

"Tainted Love" by Marilyn Manson

 

 

Sad stuff:

"Powerless" by Linkin Park

"In The End" by Linkin Park

"The Little Things Give You Away" by Linkin Park

"Alibi" by 30 Seconds To Mars

"Set Fire To The Rain" by Adele

"War Rages On" by Alex Clare

"Man's Road" by America

"B-13" by Jump Little Children

"Feels Like The End" by Mikky Ekko

 

 

Classic music and alternative stuff:

"Coming Home" by Lisa Gerrard

"Elizabeth" from the BioShock Infinite OST

"Poor Ginger" from the Black Beauty OST

"Revival" from the Black Beauty OST

"Las Vegas" from the Bolt OST

"Message" from the Death Sentence OST

"Level Plaguing Field" from the Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes OST

"Groot Cocoon" from the Guardians Of The Galaxy OST

"Sacrifice" from the Guardians Of The Galaxy OST

"Fading Light" by Immediate Music

"Time" from the Inception OST

"Flow Like Water" by James Newton Howard

"To End All Wars" by Killer Tracks

 

 

Meh, I won't bother with the other half of my music list, I think those could keep you entertained until 2016. "OST" means "official soundtrack" by the way; movies often have emotional scenes which would look pretty dull without the fitting music playing in the background. Not sure if that's your style, but certain tracks touch even people who usually listen to metal only etc (especially "Time").

[MightyQuinn]

GREAT suggestions, I will have to check them out and maybe send some of them to my friend who has promised to make me an "angry break-up playlist/CD".

 

I've been feeling high anxiety the last few days. Waiting on the background check for the apartment I applied for over the weekend. Freaking out a bit inside at the thought that it might not work out. I think what's really kept me going is this completely unfounded confidence that I could get out by the 22nd. Knowing this apartment would be ready for me to get the keys on the 19th has really made me feel like this is doable (He will be out of state with his whole family on the 20-22). Then the thought that the apartment might go to someone else and not me? Oh man, I feel like I'm heartbeats away from a panic attack when I let my mind wander to that idea. It would be so hard to move out any other time because he basically has the 22nd through January 1 off of work, too, and he'll be home all day probably most of those days. If he's around, I'm afraid he won't let me leave the house with what is rightfully mine. When he doesn't win or get his way, he can be a d*ck and this would be a BIG loss for him.

 

Then about 20 minutes ago I got a phone call from one of the apartments that said they wouldn't have any openings until Jan 1-6, and they put me on a waiting list that made it sound like it was going to be weeks before they called me. They have an apartment available with dogs allowed that is available immediately! I have another apartment to look at tomorrow!

 

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that I know there is potentially more than one path out of this house. I think that if I have to spend even one more night under the same roof with this man than I absolutely have to, cracks will start showing in the facade I've been maintaining for more than 3 weeks.

 

I WILL NOT start 2015 with this anchor around my neck. I know its an old line, kinda cheesy and it's been said before, but for my new year's resolution, I'm pledging to lose 195 pounds.

 

Thanks for listening!!! :bunny::bunny:

[Zzyxx]

Monday, I ended up crying in the bathroom at work.

 

Today, I got a lot of stuff done, didn't cry at all. Was doing great, productive, went to a board meeting for an organization where I am a volunteer. That was a nice 2 hours extra of not having to be at home.

 

Now I'm home, and I feel like I'm a ball of rage. Some primal scream therapy would be good right now. Or I wish I was in karate still - I could do some serious damage to some punching bags right now. But I don't have access to those things right now, so I just came here to share about my day.

 

Here are some songs I've been listening to today:

 

 

Anyone else got some good songs with messages like this?

 

Definitely gotta go with: "Best Days Of Your Life" - by Kellie Pickler

 

Rain On Your Parade - Duffy

Emergency Room - by Rihanna

It's My Own Cheating Heart That Makes Me Cry - Glasvegas

Take A Bow - Rihanna

Irreplaceable - Beyonce

Strange - by Reba McEntire

A Little Bit Stronger - Sara Evans

Edited December 11, 2014 by Zzyxx
Spelling

[Yasuandio]

If absolutely necessary, you can pack your stuff (at appointed moment in time) in a storage unit until a proper apartment becomes available, and that's that. Stop worrying. Not worth it.

 

Pets can go to boarding or a friend's place. You will do what has to be done to get out on appointed day. Might cost extra, but worth it in sanity.

 

You can stay at a monthly motel rental, if it gets that bad. The difference in rent/utilities is not that much, if you have those places like I'm thinking of (extended stay). Even a month-to-month run down, banged-up, piece of crap Trailer without running water or utilities, parked on some back woods campground lot sounds better than 198 Street.

 

That is your back-up plan. Don't take an apartment you're not crazy about out of desperation. Everything is gonna be ok. Everything is gonna be fine. Everything is gonna turn out GREAT! Ha-ha! Chin up. Yas

[beach]

Is there any friend you can stay with now instead of waiting until later?

 

If needed talk with H and lay out your plan after knowing this info.

 

Not for an argument - just to present your facts and let him know it's just over for you at this point.

 

 

I left my H much the same as you after telling him I knew and it was over.

 

I feel now like I've gained my life back - nothing about it was "giving up" - I was free from the man I thought loved me while stabbing me in my heart. He wasn't the man I THOUGHT he was. Freedom is worth it! Peace of mind is awesome.

 

You will get there, hang tough.

Edited December 11, 2014 by beach

[Turtles]

If you can't find an apt in time look into a long term stay hotel like ValuePlace or CandleWood, that's basically what they are built for. They can be dumpy but at least you don't get locked into a dump for a 1-year lease. They get like half of their business from people going through a divorce and will usually allow pets.

[No Limit]

As long as you prepare carefully, getting out of your old hole won't be a problem at all. The best solutions have already been suggested; hotels/staying with parents or friends until the apartment is ready, getting your stuff into storage if need be.

 

Keep going, it's 11 days. You can start the countdown soon!

[Yasuandio]

Is there any friend you can stay with now instead of waiting until later?

 

If needed talk with H and lay out your plan after knowing this info.

 

Not for an argument - just to present your facts and let him know it's just over for you at this point.

 

 

I left my H much the same as you after telling him I knew and it was over.

 

I feel now like I've gained my life back - nothing about it was "giving up" - I was free from the man I thought loved me while stabbing me in my heart. He wasn't the man I THOUGHT he was. Freedom is worth it! Peace of mind is awesome.

 

You will get there, hang tough.

 

Normally, I agree with Beech. But this time, I gotta respectfully disagree. Dont say squat.

 

One word, and the pooch is screwed. Keep to the plan, enen if you have to sleep in the backseat of your car in Walmart parking lot. Maybe there is some kinda of battery-operated heating blanket that's been invented by this time.

 

I used to sleep in my backseat of my little Renault Allience commuting to my first Univertity jof at Western Kentucky University, from Ohio State, where I earned my Doctorate. I'd leave Columbus at 2am, park at rest stop at KY border, and sleep a few hours, wake up freezing my azz. That was my human alarm system. Then I'd make it to Boiling Green for my 8am class. Sometiimes, through a bad snowstorm, even. I was driving a car without reverse, haha, and no driver's licence.

 

I was still driving that car another 5 years without reverse when I got my job at University of Georgia (but I did have to finally get a driver's license for that job). One day at work, I misjudged the parking place, rather than uphill, the spot was slightly tilted downard at the corner. When I put my foot out the door to kick my car out of the parking place, it suddenly ran downhil in neutral gear, into an effing tree. How embarrassing. It took a huge tow-truck (a mega-huge tow truck) to rope it, get it out of the lovely, landscaped area where it landed. Everyone was driving home, and saw the whole thing, and I looked like an idiot. And it was "downhill" from there in my profession also, with the little Greek Gangster I chose to stay married to, dispite how he complicated my relationships with colleagues, with his hostile attitude and demeanor.

 

See how a little creep can screw with your mind, and cause you to use bad judgment, not think of your own needs, and what you deserve (like a decent car, with the reverse repaired, when woman is top bread-winner, wth was wrong with my head)? You are such a lucky girl!!!! You are getting out early! I am so happy for you!

 

I dont know why I was compelled to tell you that story. But I did. Guess Im venting, while I enjoy fantizing, vicariously, how my life could have been different, if I had done what you are doing. Oh, how I wish I had the chance to do it your way, how I wish I had a peace of mind, as you will. I had way to many "talk it overs" with him, only to see backfire after backfire, and now, have stupid disability, that totally sucks. And bipolar 2 makes a person act very weird. Just yesterday, a friend told me, in a kind way, that I "talk in circles." Im glad he told me that. Now I can start working on, yet, another issue. Geez.

 

Tell him zero. Keep to the plan. If he knows, he will block you where it hurts, the possessions that mean something to you, maybe even your beloved pets. He knows how to get to you. You already sense he knows how to get to you, that, you better trust, it is gut instinct. Keep your health. We are all rooting fot you. 10 days and counting. Yas

[MightyQuinn]

I can identify with that story, Yas.

 

I'm the breadwinner, too, yet he drives the nicer, newer car that I bought for him. Don't get me wrong, I love my car, but I deserve nice things, too. And I deserve to be further along in my life and career than where I am at. I had the job, had the husband, then the only thing ever that I wanted in the world was my own house. But i was the one doing all the heavy financial lifting, he had no credit, we've spent years trying to get his credit ready so we could buy a house. We were going to start looking for a home to buy in Feb-March! Now I feel like I dodged a bullet as far as being anchored to him with real property, which will make our divorce much easier.

 

I was just driving around in my car, daydreaming about reasons why our relationship isn't going to work out, beyond his infidelity. One is that he seems to have no motivation to be anything other than what he is, what he has been for the past 5 years. Working at a small company that doesn't pay him much, when he could apply at other bigger companies that would pay him considerably more for his experience. I've tried to encourage him, even went so far as to submit his resume at the place where I work to try to get him to do something more with his life and contribute more to the household. Nope, wouldn't budge. Knowing that he was boinking a co-worker, at least now I know why higher pay wasn't enough motivation to get him to leave, then he'd lose his cover for his infidelities. Feel like I dodged a bullet there, too, he could be working at the same company as me and I'd have to see him all the time!

 

He wants to go to school so he can make more money, but his ideas for what to go for are completely impractical. Video Game Programming & Design is the only degree he has shown interest in pursuing. I told him a few times that if he picked a degree that was actually hiring and would be vital in the future, I'd help him pay for school - logistics, web programmer, even graphic designer. Nope, so now he will probably never go to school, and I feel like I dodged a bullet there, too, as far as what an education costs right now.

 

I was OK with being the breadwinner and knowing that he would probably never make as much of a contribution to our household as I do. But now I feel like it was all a manipulation, like he married me because if he didn't, he thought his gravy train would leave him. Like he just gave me lip service on why he didn't have much to offer for the bills - I bet he was spending money on her that should have been coming to me.

 

I was willing to put up with what I saw as "quirks" because I believed he loved me, and I really loved him, too, and I thought he just wasn't very confident in his ability to find a better job and he really is not a big fan of change. But now that I don't see him through the beer-goggles of love, I can't believe how ugly and useless of a person he is. I can't believe I place such a high value on myself and what I have to offer, and yet I still settled for this schlub. I am amazed every day at the change of feelings that I've had and I really wonder why and how I made it this far with him.

 

Mostly because we grew so much together, had so much history, and I really wanted to make my marriage work. But there was a point where he seemed to stop growing. Now the history doesn't matter to me and I CANNOT continue living this way. 10-11 days, I will be the same confident, smart, sassy woman that I am, only it will be amplified and I will stand even taller because I won't have the weight of supporting this man on my shoulders anymore.

 

All the times in all the years that we have been together when I asked myself how I thought I would react if I ever caught him cheating. I thought I would be crying and screaming at him and generally being a wreck. On the contrary, I feel stronger, more motivated and determined than I have in years, and I'm finding it incredibly easy to keep my mouth shut about this whole thing. I feel like the world is opening up to me in a new way and I haven't even left yet (though I am keeping up appearances as best I can, I have completely checked out of the relationship and have been daydreaming of my future single life - I honestly don't think he has noticed, especially after the "miscarriage" stuff, he seems to be lost in his own little world, too).

 

And I feel like this is all the hard part. I think the actual divorce will be easier. Anything has got to be easier than upholding a lie the way I have been these last 3 weeks. It makes me really question what kind of person I've been sharing my bed with who could have been lying and keeping a secret bigger than mine for at least 2 years. He is constantly complaining of stomach troubles - perhaps that is a symptom and consequence of his two-faced life.

 

Anyways, I gotta get ready to go see this other apartment! Honestly, I hope the first apartment comes through because I really liked it, it was so perfect for me. But I like knowing that here is the possibility of having a second place to go, should that fall through. I really don't want to have to pursue temporary housing or storage, it's the middle of winter, I don't want to have to move twice in all the snow, slush and ice.

 

Thanks for listening! Thanks for the support! Thanks for the stories! You guys all rock

 

 

:bunny::bunny:

Edited December 11, 2014 by MightyQuinn

[Trimmer]

Following your story with sympathy, empathy, and admiration for your strength, decisiveness, and determination. Take good care of yourself, work on relaxing through this to the degree possible, while still acknowledging your anger and grief as very real and valid.

 

And I know that you know - intellectually - that you are not the fool, and this is not your fault. However, this may pester and plague you for a while, but here's another voice of support: It's not your fault - you are not a fool. You've been wronged and betrayed. Having trusted him and having put your hopes and genuine best efforts into making an honorable life with him is not a character flaw on your part.

[MightyQuinn]

And I know that you know - intellectually - that you are not the fool, and this is not your fault. However, this may pester and plague you for a while, but here's another voice of support: It's not your fault - you are not a fool. You've been wronged and betrayed. Having trusted him and having put your hopes and genuine best efforts into making an honorable life with him is not a character flaw on your part.

 

Really needed to read this, at the exact moment that I read it. Thanks for that.

 

Back down to one apartment option.... The one that I really like is still in the running, the second one that I visited suddenly think that my dog is a restricted breed (She is part lab and part husky, and I'm kicking myself for even mentioning that on the application - for all they knew, she was just a lab mix). So really, really hoping the one works out, I have no idea what I will do if they don't say yes.

 

And now this situation has brought up a whole new level of anxieties. I know this might sound silly to some people, but I am an animal lover, and when I leave, i will be taking 2 cats and 1 dog, but he will be left with "his" dog and "his" cat. The dog is 100% husky. I know that WH is probably not going to be able to afford to live in this rental on his own. He will probably have to move or get a roommate. Suddenly the thought occurred to me today that the poor husky might have to be rehomed or end up in a shelter if I leave. I can't stay in the relationship because of a dog, obviously, but it makes me angry that the results of his actions could hurt these poor innocent animals that I've cared for all their lives.

 

I don't really expect advice on that, unless someone happens to have some... i doubt it... I just really needed to express my fears somewhere in the hopes that my mind will be able to move on to other things. I've been a sobbing crying mess for the last half hour. Like hard to breathe.

 

WH is upstairs. He is oblivious. He never notices anything. So preoccupied with himself. Earlier today he was talking about how him and his brother are talking about going halvesies on an ice fishing house. I just nodded and smiled "Mmmhmmm, oh fun." A few days ago, he was also talking about buying an XBox One. If this had been a month ago, before I knew about his affair, I would have started an argument about this because he hasn't been able to give me money for his car payment for almost a year, but he's going to have money for an ice fishing house and a video game system? Now I just keep my mouth shut and I think "Dang, you really have had quite the cushy life with me as the breadwinner. These are the things you think of while I'm freaking out about whether or not we have enough money to pay all the bills and get groceries. Boy, are you going to be surprised."

[beach]

Be smart. Be safe.

 

Start planning. Do you have joint credit cards together. Open one of your own. Get a separate bank account and move your money to that one when the time is right.

 

You don't want him charging your credit cards after you're gone. You don't want him wiping out all your available cash the minute he realizes you're leaving him. If you have anything of value (like jewelry etc)- hide it at a friends house. You'll need copies of your taxes for the past few years (for the court).

 

Get yourself set up ahead of time. Think of everything if you can.

 

Stay strong and keep moving forward.

 

Hugs