Irony of an Affair

[Poptart]

They wanted to get their rocks off.

 

That's it.

 

I understand what your viewpoint is but this is not the viewpoint being expressed by the OP of this thread.

[OverIt75]

You do have the equivalent of a snapshot of your mind which is your journal entries made at the time you crossed the line to decide to actually have sex with the OM. I realize there are many lesser boundaries that needed to be crossed but actual sex is the "biggie." This is why I think it would be so awesomely valuable for you to actually post those journal entries. Then we would finally get to see what is actually going on "inside" the mind of a person who gets involved with something like this even though knowing they shouldn't.

 

I am running out the door so just quickly answering - I started my journal about 6 months into the affair, when we tried to break it off. It was my way of coping. Wish I did have those initial thoughts captured.

 

 

I have to admit I have fantasized about cheating. But fantasies are just that. In reality, I think I would be way too anxious about getting caught, and just too guilt ridden, for it to be worth the risk to me.

 

Will answer the rest later, as I actually do appreciate the opportunity to dig in.

[dichotomy]

A little humor..why did you/she/they/them do it?

 

My first shrink (a MD psychiatrist with 30 years of experience) told me a lot of stories about crap he had heard about from his patients (no names). He also once told me on his 50th birthday he was driving home on a city street late at night with his wife after celebrating - when he suddenly steered on to the side walk -started driving on it. His wife reached over and slapped him and pulled the wheel. To this day he has no justifiable reason for doing so - other than he did it.

 

He also told me this joke.

 

Three men are lost in the desert - dyhryated, burnt, and struggling. Suddleny one of the men laughs and runs and jumps on to a cactus. His companions rush up to him and pull him off bloodied and screaming in pain. His pals ask him "why in the hell did you do that ?!!" the guy responds "I don't know.... it seemed like a good idea at the time".

[AlwaysGrowing]

For every lie a WS tells their spouse, they tell themselves two.

 

For most WS, they tell "white" lies/omit, about the actual conversations/interactions that are going on with the too close co-worker. They do this because they know what is going on is inappropriate and they have told themselves that it isn't inappropriate in this case and they don't want anyone to get the wrong (right) idea.

 

As others have stated, it isn't the sex line that is the hardest one to cross....by that time....having the affair is simply "doing what makes me happy". All the justifications and rationalizations have already been firmly embraced in their thought processes. Due to the fact of all the lies they have told themselves.

 

As hard as it is to believe, most waywards completely brush away many realities. The reality of ever being caught is usually the first to go. The reality of losing their other life in its entirety. The reality of losing their job. The reality of the loss of their integrity, self respect, honesty, faith, and their positive view of themselves. They honestly do not think that the affair will take anything away from them.

 

Those lies are the ones that remorseful waywards have the most difficulty with. Once remove from the affair atmosphere, the ramifications of what they have done often hit them like a brick wall. Probably due to the fact, that there was sooooo much justification/rationalization/compartmentalization going on....how could they not see something so f'ing glaring and obvious before. The added bonus is that it was all their own doing.

 

It is one thing to have a knife in your back....quite another to be the one with bloody hands, holding the knife.

 

As odd as it may sound, the further removed a WS gets in their thought processes that were used to have the affair....the less they can explain/understand them. Once a person addresses any faulty wiring/thought processes/rabbit holes internally, they usually get sealed up/removed and replaced with healthier coping/thought processes, so it is hard, if not impossible to access them.

 

So, to be able to explain the faulty logic used, it would be wiser to ask someone who is just starting down the path or is currently on the path. Just don't expect that you will agree with them because they are still in denial as to the path they are on. And what it means in its entirety.

[Selfish]

When people say they weren't looking for an affair they may be very honest. Just because some people do go looking or are affair ready at all times doesn't mean everyone who takes that path is. I can say this with a hundred certainty that this was my case. I was happy with my life as it was. It wasn't perfect but the problems it had didn't really bother me.

 

Just because you don't feel satisfied with someone's answer doesn't mean that person is wrong. No one holds the monopoly on being right or knowing everything about everything. Sometimes there is no answer that will satisfy you because nothing anyone can say will undo what is done.

 

But to answer the question that is being gone after like a little dog with a bone. I remember my thoughts clearly each time I knew I crossed the line. The first time it was an offer of friendship that I had already refused because I felt a powerful attraction to the other person. I had refused it because I was not going to put myself in temptations way. But when the offer came around again. I asked myself what the F*** I was doing playing with fire. I told myself that if I accepted I could possibly end up in over my head. And then I told myself that the other person wasn't interested in me and I loved my husband and was happy with my marriage so I was being silly. It was just being friends. It was months before the next time anything happened. I had no thought of it being wrong. I was conversing and things turned flirty. Nothing terrible but flirty. The looks lasted a little too long. I was not thinking anything at the time. But afterwards I told myself it was okay when I started to feel guilty because it was just harmless flirting. The other person probably flirts with everyone. And so it progressed. I was able to continue because at the time I didn't believe it to be wrong. I did before and I do now but that is what I told myself. This isn't wrong. Hurting my spouse is wrong but when they don't know they aren't hurting. And there was nothing to be caught doing because nothing we were doing was "wrong". Sharing sexual fantasies? Well, we were friends. We never talked about doing these things to each other. So we were just talking about sex. And talking about sex isn't wrong. Of course I knew deep down inside I was crossing the lines but I didn't think about it. I enjoyed the attention. When I would be touched, innocently, in passing it felt good but still wasn't really wrong.

 

And then I wanted that person really, really bad. All the talk, looks and touches made me want more. And if it stayed secret then how could anyone be hurt? At a party where large amounts of alcohol were consumed I was kissed. And felt no guilt. Periods of that night are gone because of how much alcohol I consumed. Even that first kiss the next day I had to ask if it ever happened. The first clear memory that night was my underwear coming off. And when penetration happened a very clear, a loud, WTF am I doing. And then it was gone and I was plunged in to the thrills of having drunken sex. For hours that some parts are clear and another hazy but my thoughts were not on anyone but us.

 

The next morning reality tried to drift in but I pushed it away. I focused on being a good spouse and did not let what happened drag me down. I wanted more of it to keep the guilt back. And reminded myself my spouse was happy and I was happy so no one was being hurt.

 

And so it continued. Not very long. A total of 6 weeks from the first sexual encounter until the last. But the secrets and double life were eating at me. It was not making me happy but rather I was unsatisfied with both the affair sex and with my marriage and myself. But I was already tainted so what did it matter? As long as I didn't get caught.

 

I didn't get caught. I confessed. That is a totally unrelated story. But this is my own experience. No one else's. And no one else can tell me what I did or didn't feel. Or tell me to try to come up with more. It is what it is. There was not a lot of deep thought involved.

[lovinDKT3]

When people say they weren't looking for an affair they may be very honest. Just because some people do go looking or are affair ready at all times doesn't mean everyone who takes that path is. I can say this with a hundred certainty that this was my case. I was happy with my life as it was. It wasn't perfect but the problems it had didn't really bother me.

 

Just because you don't feel satisfied with someone's answer doesn't mean that person is wrong. No one holds the monopoly on being right or knowing everything about everything. Sometimes there is no answer that will satisfy you because nothing anyone can say will undo what is done.

 

But to answer the question that is being gone after like a little dog with a bone. I remember my thoughts clearly each time I knew I crossed the line. The first time it was an offer of friendship that I had already refused because I felt a powerful attraction to the other person. I had refused it because I was not going to put myself in temptations way. But when the offer came around again. I asked myself what the F*** I was doing playing with fire. I told myself that if I accepted I could possibly end up in over my head. And then I told myself that the other person wasn't interested in me and I loved my husband and was happy with my marriage so I was being silly. It was just being friends. It was months before the next time anything happened. I had no thought of it being wrong. I was conversing and things turned flirty. Nothing terrible but flirty. The looks lasted a little too long. I was not thinking anything at the time. But afterwards I told myself it was okay when I started to feel guilty because it was just harmless flirting. The other person probably flirts with everyone. And so it progressed. I was able to continue because at the time I didn't believe it to be wrong. I did before and I do now but that is what I told myself. This isn't wrong. Hurting my spouse is wrong but when they don't know they aren't hurting. And there was nothing to be caught doing because nothing we were doing was "wrong". Sharing sexual fantasies? Well, we were friends. We never talked about doing these things to each other. So we were just talking about sex. And talking about sex isn't wrong. Of course I knew deep down inside I was crossing the lines but I didn't think about it. I enjoyed the attention. When I would be touched, innocently, in passing it felt good but still wasn't really wrong.

 

And then I wanted that person really, really bad. All the talk, looks and touches made me want more. And if it stayed secret then how could anyone be hurt? At a party where large amounts of alcohol were consumed I was kissed. And felt no guilt. Periods of that night are gone because of how much alcohol I consumed. Even that first kiss the next day I had to ask if it ever happened. The first clear memory that night was my underwear coming off. And when penetration happened a very clear, a loud, WTF am I doing. And then it was gone and I was plunged in to the thrills of having drunken sex. For hours that some parts are clear and another hazy but my thoughts were not on anyone but us.

 

The next morning reality tried to drift in but I pushed it away. I focused on being a good spouse and did not let what happened drag me down. I wanted more of it to keep the guilt back. And reminded myself my spouse was happy and I was happy so no one was being hurt.

 

And so it continued. Not very long. A total of 6 weeks from the first sexual encounter until the last. But the secrets and double life were eating at me. It was not making me happy but rather I was unsatisfied with both the affair sex and with my marriage and myself. But I was already tainted so what did it matter? As long as I didn't get caught.

 

I didn't get caught. I confessed. That is a totally unrelated story. But this is my own experience. No one else's. And no one else can tell me what I did or didn't feel. Or tell me to try to come up with more. It is what it is. There was not a lot of deep thought involved.

 

Your actually making my point. You start by saying you didn't go looking for it, then you talk about doing things you knew were wrong and were they would or could lead. You knew better and did it anyways, that is looking for an affair. You made the choice that chasing that attractions way worth crossing lines you knew shouldn't be crossed. How is that not looking for the affair?

[AlwaysGrowing]

Selfish,

 

Your recount is exactly the formula that so many waywards used.

 

Ignoring or justifying the first inappropriate interactions. More and more lines get crossed. The sex line is but the last one of hundreds. For some waywards, they have to put "love" in their thought process to cross the sex line.

 

For many waywards, this "love" develops inside the work environment. An environment, that most workers give the best impression/condensed version of themselves because of the reward of money, prestige, and advancement.

 

It is not a complete nor necessarily true picture of that person.

 

I think most people come to "love" someone that they see in many environments and situations. Not ones as controlled/limited as the workplace.

[DbleBetrayal]

This is what the betrayed spouse often thinks. And I guess there are some cheaters who are very upfront and would actually say "I cheated because I wanted to/was horny/because I felt like it."

 

But I am trying to address the ex-cheaters who do NOT agree with your explanation. Does OverIt75's journal entries for her affair talk about "I am doing this because I am horny as hell and don't give a sh**t?" I seriously doubt that.

 

 

Come on PopTart, seriously? You really believe there is some sort of special, magical, logical explanation that happens at the moment just before cheating occurs?!

 

It's the same feeling you and I get, or anyone gets even when they are not cheating. They are attracted. They boinked. It's not about you, it's about them. It's purely a selfish act. You are not in the equation at that moment- it's all about getting their jollies. And yeah, maybe they wouldn't write it down there diary that "they became horny as hell and didn't give a sh** at the time, and boinked". But, bottom line- that is what happened. Eloquently put or not. That's all there is to it.

 

" In the moment" isn't a mysterious thing, it's about their own hormones. Just like that.

[Selfish]

Your actually making my point. You start by saying you didn't go looking for it, then you talk about doing things you knew were wrong and were they would or could lead. You knew better and did it anyways, that is looking for an affair. You made the choice that chasing that attractions way worth crossing lines you knew shouldn't be crossed. How is that not looking for the affair?

 

The idea of looking for an affair is filling out a dating site or swinging out a net or flirting with every person who shows interest. A pattern of poor boundaries is often shown in someone looking for an affair. Or perhaps a spouse who is unhappy and wants to find something, anything to fill a void. Due to my looks I get a lot of interest but never responded. I wasn't looking for an affair with anyone but when this opportunity came along I took it. In an unemotional comparison. I can have a job offer come out of the blue while completely happy in my current job and so I accept it. I wasn't looking for a new job but I didn't say no when I got the offer. On the flip side looking for a new job would be me actively seeking a new job by inquiring and handing out my resume. Those are two different circumstances. Nothing I said makes your point. My actions were with one person, not multiple. An affair was not on my radar. In fact, I was quite opposed to them. And judgmental of those who participated in them.

[Poptart]

And then I wanted that person really, really bad. All the talk, looks and touches made me want more. And if it stayed secret then how could anyone be hurt? At a party where large amounts of alcohol were consumed I was kissed. And felt no guilt. Periods of that night are gone because of how much alcohol I consumed. Even that first kiss the next day I had to ask if it ever happened. The first clear memory that night was my underwear coming off. And when penetration happened a very clear, a loud, WTF am I doing. And then it was gone and I was plunged in to the thrills of having drunken sex. For hours that some parts are clear and another hazy but my thoughts were not on anyone but us.

 

Why didn't you feel any guilt?

 

Are most cheaters just people who don't really have a very well developed sense of feeling guilty/conscience/shame of doing these things?

[harrybrown]

So have you thought about your husband's feelings?

 

If he had the affair, what would you do? Would you divorce him?

 

You spent all that energy on the affair.

 

Now your H has the problem with the flooding of emotions. He is hurt, angry, betrayed.

 

When I first found out, I felt worthless, a backup plan, I wanted to die.

 

I read one man's feelings. He felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest and thrown into the fire.

 

She could not ever have loved me to lie to me, betray me, cheat on me. A BS will never be the same. You can't trust what they say, you will never know what they did. But they loved someone else and could never have loved you. (not to treat your spouse that way) Too bad she did not file for divorce, and leave before all the cheating and the lying.

 

The WW spent all that money and energy on someone else. The vows are worthless.

 

Been married for 40 years now. I guess she put out the fire and stopped the burning. Just can't get it back in the chest and working again.

 

What would you do if your H had the A?

 

This will help me to see what to do.

[Selfish]

Why didn't you feel any guilt?

 

Are most cheaters just people who don't really have a very well developed sense of feeling guilty/conscience/shame of doing these things?

 

You wanted to know at the moment? I feel guilt quite easily. I had what could be described as a moment of guilt right before but I was so drunk I was blacking out. I don't think my faculties were up to snuff. It is why some people become alcoholics. To numb their guilt.

[lovinDKT3]

The idea of looking for an affair is filling out a dating site or swinging out a net or flirting with every person who shows interest. A pattern of poor boundaries is often shown in someone looking for an affair. Or perhaps a spouse who is unhappy and wants to find something, anything to fill a void. Due to my looks I get a lot of interest but never responded. I wasn't looking for an affair with anyone but when this opportunity came along I took it. In an unemotional comparison. I can have a job offer come out of the blue while completely happy in my current job and so I accept it. I wasn't looking for a new job but I didn't say no when I got the offer. On the flip side looking for a new job would be me actively seeking a new job by inquiring and handing out my resume. Those are two different circumstances. Nothing I said makes your point. My actions were with one person, not multiple. An affair was not on my radar. In fact, I was quite opposed to them. And judgmental of those who participated in them.

 

This is self serving and for protection. This is your way of not feeling as bad as you should.

 

Its semantics. You know you don't have to be looking for it in muliple places to be looking for it. Saying you didn't look for it makes it feel like something out of your control. When you crossed a line you did so wanting to know what would happen next and thinking you could stop at any moment.

 

This is how I thought as well, its easy. Now get honest and dig for the real behind your affair. Its hard, trust me I know, then accept those feelings learn and do better in the future.

[Poptart]

Come on PopTart, seriously? You really believe there is some sort of special, magical, logical explanation that happens at the moment just before cheating occurs?!

 

Possibly, but I am really thinking it is more likely that the cheater makes a deliberate decision to do the wrong thing--like you seem to think.

 

Except that that's not what we're hearing. We're hearing that some mystical foggy compartmentalization, an altered mental state occurs, in which the cheater is disassociated from what they are doing.

 

So you're saying you don't believe that explanation, it's just all a bunch of b.s. Which would imply that anything to the contrary as the explanation is lies.

 

What you are really trying to say is that whenever a cheater tries to give these mystic explanations, it's basically just lies. I'm not sure I'm ready to go that far.

 

It's the same feeling you and I get, or anyone gets even when they are not cheating. They are attracted. They boinked.

 

It's not the same feeling at all. I find that feelings of guilt, anxiety, or stress are real libido-killers for me. I wouldn't get a thrill out of having sex with the boss, I would get a feeling of severe anxiety. It just wouldn't be pleasurable for me.

 

So you are saying cheaters are basically people who lack a conscience, get a thrill out of cheating, and then lie about it? Interesting. Why then are all the posts by most cheaters here saying something very different? Are they just lying to the rest of us too, the same way as they did to their spouses?

 

 

 

It's not about you, it's about them. It's purely a selfish act. You are not in the equation at that moment- it's all about getting their jollies. And yeah, maybe they wouldn't write it down there diary that "they became horny as hell and didn't give a sh** at the time, and boinked". But, bottom line- that is what happened. Eloquently put or not. That's all there is to it.

 

" In the moment" isn't a mysterious thing, it's about their own hormones. Just like that.

 

How can the betrayed spouse NOT be in the cheater's mind when the cheater is cheating? So many of the cheaters who post actually make a directly linkage between being dissatisfied in their marriage and their decision to cheat.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Your actually making my point. You start by saying you didn't go looking for it, then you talk about doing things you knew were wrong and were they would or could lead. You knew better and did it anyways, that is looking for an affair. You made the choice that chasing that attractions way worth crossing lines you knew shouldn't be crossed. How is that not looking for the affair?

 

 

By telling yourself that you are not looking for it to go further (lie).

 

It is the lies one tells oneself. One simply tells themselves it is harmless (not true). One tells themselves they are not making choices (wrong).

 

Of course a wayward made the choice to have an affair.

 

I truly believe tat most of us live our life unaware of how we tick, our own actions, interactions and how we actually are. Most, keep a positive internal opinion of themselves. Just reading the OM/OW threads you will read...I have deep faith beliefs about not divorcing and my vow to remain married (MW having an affair), my MM best asset is how committed he is to his wife/kids, MM doesnt have sex with his wife (had numerous kids DURING the affair), MM really only loves me not his wife (MM has stated he doesn't love OW, even called her derogatory names).

 

People have a hard time seeing/accepting the truth of their actions.The need to have a positive view of oneself can be that great. So, they spin the story (lie) to make it positive.

 

So, yes....you are absolutely correct in boldly and truthfully stating that of course the wayward had actions and lots of them to have an affair and yes..they did indeed go looking for it to happen (knew it was wrong, lowered boundaries, ignored red flags).

 

However, you are someone who now has their eyes wide the F open and doesn't excuse your actions anymore. You are fully aware of yourself...you live in the truth of yourself.

 

During an affair...I don't think many waywards are truthful to themselves in the slightest.

[Furious]

Anyone notice how "love" is mentioned but without definition. People seem to take for granted that everyone has the same definition of love. So often, you hear WS's talk about feelings, feeling excited, feeling alive, feelings....feelings.

Is "love" about feelings? Are feelings sustainable and are feelings realistic in the long term.

 

Are WS's chasing feelings rather than love. Do some people never graduate from new love to seasoned love. It's like a dog spinning as it chases it's tail and gets nowhere.

 

New love is intoxicating but will always have an expiration date and will either end or grow into something deeper.

[Poptart]

You wanted to know at the moment? I feel guilt quite easily. I had what could be described as a moment of guilt right before but I was so drunk I was blacking out. I don't think my faculties were up to snuff. It is why some people become alcoholics. To numb their guilt.

 

So does this mean on the night in question when the panties came off, you got really drunk to numb your guilt feelings so that you could engage in the affair without feeling bad about it?

[Poptart]

Anyone notice how "love" is mentioned but without definition. People seem to take for granted that everyone has the same definition of love. So often, you hear WS's talk about feelings, feeling excited, feeling alive, feelings....feelings.

Is "love" about feelings? Are feelings sustainable and are feelings realistic in the long term.

 

Are WS's chasing feelings rather than love. Do some people never graduate from new love to seasoned love. It's like a dog spinning as it chases it's tail and gets nowhere.

 

New love is intoxicating but will always have an expiration date and will either end or grow into something deeper.

 

I agree. What the cheaters seem to be talking about most of the time about the "in love feelings" is the adrenaline surge or "rush" they are getting from being naughty and breaking the rules. The thrill. Marriage can get real boring. Affairs are thrilling (I guess, to a cheater).

 

A cheater doesn't seem to realize that showing "love" means NOT cheating on your spouse just because things are getting boring or there are more serious marital problems. Not having sex with other people is a way to show that you love your spouse.

 

I'm not sure how a cheater thinks that having sex with the affair partner is showing "love" to the affair partner considering they might be going home and having sex with the betrayed spouse the very same evening.

[Selfish]

This is self serving and for protection. This is your way of not feeling as bad as you should.

 

Its semantics. You know you don't have to be looking for it in muliple places to be looking for it. Saying you didn't look for it makes it feel like something out of your control. When you crossed a line you did so wanting to know what would happen next and thinking you could stop at any moment.

 

This is how I thought as well, its easy. Now get honest and dig for the real behind your affair. Its hard, trust me I know, then accept those feelings learn and do better in the future.

 

I'm sorry who died and made you all knowing God? It wasn't out of my control nor did I say it was. I just disagreed with your one size fits all policy. Not everyone is out trolling for an affair. I chose to cheat because I wanted to when the opportunity presented itself. And I convinced myself slowly, each step of the way that I wasn't doing anything wrong. And yes, in order for one to be looking for an affair they do need to be you know "looking for it". My affair started when I became friends. That was an emotional affair even though I denied it all as anything wrong. But in hindsight that was when it began. It had not began before I met my affair partner.

 

Don't be so patronizing and assume you know me or my current situation. What I described all happened several years ago. What I did was wrong. I had not self justifications at the time like unmet needs or being unhappy. I felt good and wanted to enjoy those feelings. I did not want to think about or dwell on the negative side.

 

You can't discredit someone else's experience because you think you have been there done that. You may very well have been looking for an affair. I was not. It doesn't mean I am any better than you or any less guilty of what I did. Our experiences are different. Our lives are different and our feelings are different. Nothing that happened was out of my control. I neither said that or implied that.

 

My job analogy still stands. You may have put in a resume for a new job. I did not. But when the job was offered, I took it, my choice, my actions, my control. And it was a sh*tty job.

[Poptart]

So have you thought about your husband's feelings?

 

If he had the affair, what would you do? Would you divorce him?

 

You spent all that energy on the affair.

 

Now your H has the problem with the flooding of emotions. He is hurt, angry, betrayed.

 

When I first found out, I felt worthless, a backup plan, I wanted to die.

 

I read one man's feelings. He felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest and thrown into the fire.

 

She could not ever have loved me to lie to me, betray me, cheat on me. A BS will never be the same. You can't trust what they say, you will never know what they did. But they loved someone else and could never have loved you. (not to treat your spouse that way) Too bad she did not file for divorce, and leave before all the cheating and the lying.

 

The WW spent all that money and energy on someone else. The vows are worthless.

 

Been married for 40 years now. I guess she put out the fire and stopped the burning. Just can't get it back in the chest and working again.

 

What would you do if your H had the A?

 

This will help me to see what to do.

 

If a cheater is not operating on the same emotional level you are expressing here, you will probably not like the answer you are going to get.

 

She may say "I couldn't really care less if my H cheated on me" and she might mean it.

[Selfish]

So does this mean on the night in question when the panties came off, you got really drunk to numb your guilt feelings so that you could engage in the affair without feeling bad about it?

 

Actually no, I got really drunk because I lost track of how many shots I had. I started to drink because I had had a bad day and was at a party. I was able to do something I had never done while drunk because I had already blasted my boundaries out of the water by forming an inappropriate friendship with someone I had a crush on. My husband was present and therefore I thought this party was going to be like any other with nothing happening at all. Alcohol makes you take risks and numbs guilt but it merely sped up what was bound to have happened between us anyways. Some people need a little numbing of the inhibitions to cross the line. My affair partner and I had many opportunities to have sex and never took them. We always seemed to need booze.

[lovinDKT3]

I'm sorry who died and made you all knowing God? It wasn't out of my control nor did I say it was. I just disagreed with your one size fits all policy. Not everyone is out trolling for an affair. I chose to cheat because I wanted to when the opportunity presented itself. And I convinced myself slowly, each step of the way that I wasn't doing anything wrong. And yes, in order for one to be looking for an affair they do need to be you know "looking for it". My affair started when I became friends. That was an emotional affair even though I denied it all as anything wrong. But in hindsight that was when it began. It had not began before I met my affair partner.

 

Don't be so patronizing and assume you know me or my current situation. What I described all happened several years ago. What I did was wrong. I had not self justifications at the time like unmet needs or being unhappy. I felt good and wanted to enjoy those feelings. I did not want to think about or dwell on the negative side.

 

You can't discredit someone else's experience because you think you have been there done that. You may very well have been looking for an affair. I was not. It doesn't mean I am any better than you or any less guilty of what I did. Our experiences are different. Our lives are different and our feelings are different. Nothing that happened was out of my control. I neither said that or implied that.

 

My job analogy still stands. You may have put in a resume for a new job. I did not. But when the job was offered, I took it, my choice, my actions, my control. And it was a sh*tty job.

 

As I said in the first response to you. You made my point with your own words. You said you didn't go looking then proceded to tell us the things you did to "MAKE the affair happen". Get as mad as you want, the truth is you had the affair, you wanted it and you made it happen. In time, you will see and understand. Right now your not accepting of this even if your own words agree.

[Poptart]

Actually no, I got really drunk because I lost track of how many shots I had. I started to drink because I had had a bad day and was at a party. I was able to do something I had never done while drunk because I had already blasted my boundaries out of the water by forming an inappropriate friendship with someone I had a crush on. My husband was present and therefore I thought this party was going to be like any other with nothing happening at all. Alcohol makes you take risks and numbs guilt but it merely sped up what was bound to have happened between us anyways. Some people need a little numbing of the inhibitions to cross the line. My affair partner and I had many opportunities to have sex and never took them. We always seemed to need booze.

 

Did it ever occur to you that the "real" underlying issue is an alcohol abuse problem? That but for becoming wildly intoxicated and despite all the other issues, but for getting so drunk, you never would have consummated the affair?

[Selfish]

Did it ever occur to you that the "real" underlying issue is an alcohol abuse problem? That but for becoming wildly intoxicated and despite all the other issues, but for getting so drunk, you never would have consummated the affair?

 

Uh, no. The real problem was not being honest with myself nor looking at the consequences of my actions. Choosing to be a dishonest person instead of an honest one. The drunkenness was incidental. Whether that line would ever have been crossed or not doesn't matter. I was having an affair long before PIV happened.

[Selfish]

As I said in the first response to you. You made my point with your own words. You said you didn't go looking then proceded to tell us the things you did to "MAKE the affair happen". Get as mad as you want, the truth is you had the affair, you wanted it and you made it happen. In time, you will see and understand. Right now your not accepting of this even if your own words agree.

 

I'm not angry, it was a quip because you come across as hugely patronzing. You must realize that. We will have to agree to disagree. For me "looking for an affair" requires planning and seeking. You are on the prowl. You seem to think merely deciding to cross a line is looking for an affair. While crossing a line to me IS the start of the affair.