Irony of an Affair

[Oberfeldwebel]

I understand your post and the spirit in which you expressed yourself. Don't feel like you have to respond to the naysayers, there are always those who just want to hate. I only wish that more would be wayward spouses, would read and understand your post. Unfortunately, as you have stated it is hard to see the forest for all those trees in the way. Best wishes to you and your family this Thanksgiving.

[gettingstronger]

You are experiencing what my husband also experienced after his A- hindsight and remorse- its a very painful process to come face to face with the consequences of your actions, to who you allowed yourself to become-I wish you much peace and healing-its not an easy task but you are doing really well-

[NYWoman]

The irony in my case, was that my first H, was a totally awesome man. Everything he tried to do he was good at, especially sex. The man should write a book. On our wedding night, he got my into a frenzy where the O's were almost continuous, I lost count at 25. As for the OM, he suffered from whisky dick and could barely get it up.

My co-workers had me convinced that my H was so in love with me, that he would forgive me. Instead he walked away and never looked back

I traded in a hall of famer for a little leaguer at best.

[OverIt75]

You are experiencing what my husband also experienced after his A- hindsight and remorse- its a very painful process to come face to face with the consequences of your actions, to who you allowed yourself to become-I wish you much peace and healing-its not an easy task but you are doing really well-

 

I can certainly only speak for myself, but it's amazing the messes we create! Coming to terms with the sheer stupidity of one's choices is difficult at best. Thank you for the words and support.

[drifter777]

The irony in my case, was that my first H, was a totally awesome man. Everything he tried to do he was good at, especially sex. The man should write a book. On our wedding night, he got my into a frenzy where the O's were almost continuous, I lost count at 25. As for the OM, he suffered from whisky dick and could barely get it up.

My co-workers had me convinced that my H was so in love with me, that he would forgive me. Instead he walked away and never looked back

I traded in a hall of famer for a little leaguer at best.

We reap what we sow. Obviously, your BH was the kind of man who knew he could never forgive your betrayal. That images of you screwing OM would torture him and that just looking at you would always trigger those feelings. You may not see it but he did you a favor by divorcing you on the spot. It saved the agony of a doomed attempt to reconcile and probably helped you become an adult.

 

Thank you for sharing your story - it might help others to see how badly things can end when you cheat. Its also good to hear about men who are strong enough to be true to their character and walk away from a WW.

[Trotters]

We reap what we sow. Obviously, your BH was the kind of man who knew he could never forgive your betrayal. That images of you screwing OM would torture him and that just looking at you would always trigger those feelings. You may not see it but he did you a favor by divorcing you on the spot. It saved the agony of a doomed attempt to reconcile and probably helped you become an adult.

 

Thank you for sharing your story - it might help others to see how badly things can end when you cheat. Its also good to hear about men who are strong enough to be true to their character and walk away from a WW.

Harsh but true. Again though, reading through other threads eg the reconciliation threads, it seems a lot do reconcile. Im not sure if that's just one off cheats or even with serial cheaters???. Only mentioning this because a lot of replies on various threads contradict. One person will say reconcile, then that same person will reply on another thread saying divorce???. Just confuses me.

[drifter777]

Harsh but true. Again though, reading through other threads eg the reconciliation threads, it seems a lot do reconcile. Im not sure if that's just one off cheats or even with serial cheaters???. Only mentioning this because a lot of replies on various threads contradict. One person will say reconcile, then that same person will reply on another thread saying divorce???. Just confuses me.

There are very few "happily" reconciled BH's who post on LS. There's no way to quantify it but I think men who successfully reconcile with a cheating wife are rare. For most of us she is forever tainted and we settle for her because of insecurity. That might count as reconciled but it sure ain't happily reconciled.

[Trotters]

There are very few "happily" reconciled BH's who post on LS. There's no way to quantify it but I think men who successfully reconcile with a cheating wife are rare. For most of us she is forever tainted and we settle for her because of insecurity. That might count as reconciled but it sure ain't happily reconciled.

Ok fair enough at least i know now. Was just an observation id made.

Thanks

[Hardgrind]

Just my opinion, but I think sometimes the advice an OP gets about whether a BH should reconcile or divorce the WW (or a BW with a WH) depends on what actions are being taken and what behaviors are being exhibited.

 

 

Again, in my opinion, if reconciliation is the path forward, the following should be happening:

WS should become fully accountable for what they are doing and where the are, so that trust can be rebuilt.

WS should answer questions honestly about the A.

WS should end all unnecessary contact with the AP.

WS should show more empathy for the BS than the AP.

BS should forgive the WS at some point if a change has really been made.

BS should look at self and find ways in which to improve the marriage if the WS is also showing real commitment to the marriage.

 

 

If the following are happening, divorce may be the better path in my opinion:

WS remains secretive and gets angry if questioned about where they were and who they were with.

WS shows lack of necessary empathy for the BS and decides to remain friends with the AP. Or worse, they are continuing the affair even after D-Day.

Either the WS or the BS is unwilling to try to improve the marriage.

The BS cannot find forgiveness for the WS, even after WS shows genuine efforts and commitment to the marriage. I don't mean forgetting what happened. I mean bringing the A up as the trump card in every discussion with the WS. I mean continuing to attack the BS .....someone said that a choice needs to be made: you cannot both attack and reconcile with the WS.

[violet1]

There are very few "happily" reconciled BH's who post on LS. There's no way to quantify it but I think men who successfully reconcile with a cheating wife are rare. For most of us she is forever tainted and we settle for her because of insecurity. That might count as reconciled but it sure ain't happily reconciled.

I don't know, but I have hard time believing that the majority of BH's who reconciled only settled out of insecurity. My husband is not insecure. We don't have children together. He knows he can leave and I won't fight him for a damn thing. Unfortunately, infidelity is not uncommon.

[dichotomy]

There are very few "happily" reconciled BH's who post on LS. There's no way to quantify it but I think men who successfully reconcile with a cheating wife are rare. For most of us she is forever tainted and we settle for her because of.......

 

....numerous reasons.......but I agree very few "happily"

[lovinDKT3]

I can certainly only speak for myself, but it's amazing the messes we create! Coming to terms with the sheer stupidity of one's choices is difficult at best. Thank you for the words and support.

 

The pain from my decisions got worse with time as I had to comfort my DD who cried constantly for her dad. Its a pain that's hard to put into words.

 

On the subject of BH's reasons for R being an insecure and unhappy decision. I disagree, how can they be insecure if they are willing to risk it? Most WW's have a deep emotional connection with the OM, it takes a strong man to be willing to work through that.

 

In my case, he had/has his doubts, and actually took a very long period to commit to a second chance. Its now on me and within my power to ease his doubts. I'm also fully aware that the kids are the major reason he made his decision, I'm ok with that. My kids happiness was put at risk with my affair, maybe some would call it foolish but I'm in position to demand he be here 100% for me. I would like that, but without them he may not be here at all. He loves me, that I'm sure of. Not like he did before.

 

OverIt, this is an awesome thread. Thanks for posting it.

[OverIt75]

The pain from my decisions got worse with time as I had to comfort my DD who cried constantly for her dad. Its a pain that's hard to put into words.

 

On the subject of BH's reasons for R being an insecure and unhappy decision. I disagree, how can they be insecure if they are willing to risk it? Most WW's have a deep emotional connection with the OM, it takes a strong man to be willing to work through that.

 

In my case, he had/has his doubts, and actually took a very long period to commit to a second chance. Its now on me and within my power to ease his doubts. I'm also fully aware that the kids are the major reason he made his decision, I'm ok with that. My kids happiness was put at risk with my affair, maybe some would call it foolish but I'm in position to demand he be here 100% for me. I would like that, but without them he may not be here at all. He loves me, that I'm sure of. Not like he did before.

 

OverIt, this is an awesome thread. Thanks for posting it.

 

Thank you for sharing. The pain the kids feel...that is one thing that is so hard to wrap my head around. Doing everything I can to stop it in it's tracks.

[lovinDKT3]

Thank you for sharing. The pain the kids feel...that is one thing that is so hard to wrap my head around. Doing everything I can to stop it in it's tracks.

 

DD is young and only knows that her dad wasn't there. DS is high school age, and its had a negative impact on our relationship, a few years ago he started to ask probing questions about the reasons behind the divorce. While DKT attempted to place the blame on himself, he is a bright kid so he had an idea of what happened before we finally told him more indepth of the reasons behind it last year. Its had a major impact on his veiws of relationships. I actually started a thread about that.

 

Its all in line with what your saying here, in hindsight these were all things I never really put on the table while involved in the affair. I took for granted so many things that were so solid that I thought impossible to rock. I remember thinking "even if he finds out we (or I) could fix it, he won't leave me for this". I took for granted that I had a perfect family with a man who would have done anything for me. A true family man that had no bad habits. My only complaint was he worked too hard, which selfishly on my part meant he was taking me for granted.

 

Sending you a PM

[JustJoe]

Thank you for sharing. The pain the kids feel...that is one thing that is so hard to wrap my head around. Doing everything I can to stop it in it's tracks.

If you ever want to understand the full extent of the fallout from an affair, on the children. PM me and I can tell you.

[OverIt75]

If you ever want to understand the full extent of the fallout from an affair, on the children. PM me and I can tell you.

 

Sadly, I was a witness to both of my parents' affairs when I was 7 or so. I remember very specifically certain things that were done and said. Horiffic, sad memories. They actually chose to reconcile. Some years later, my dad did it again. Lost his job, a prestigious one in the community. They are still together, with spackle and glue. They are actually doing well. But man, the consequences...

[Trotters]

Sadly, I was a witness to both of my parents' affairs when I was 7 or so. I remember very specifically certain things that were done and said. Horiffic, sad memories. They actually chose to reconcile. Some years later, my dad did it again. Lost his job, a prestigious one in the community. They are still together, with spackle and glue. They are actually doing well. But man, the consequences...

 

 

Gosh, your mum is very forgiving especially if he did it "again".

[Poptart]

Gosh, your mum is very forgiving especially if he did it "again".

 

It sounds like both parents engaged in infidelity.

[Poptart]

Sadly, I was a witness to both of my parents' affairs when I was 7 or so. I remember very specifically certain things that were done and said. Horiffic, sad memories. They actually chose to reconcile. Some years later, my dad did it again. Lost his job, a prestigious one in the community. They are still together, with spackle and glue. They are actually doing well. But man, the consequences...

 

So you had these experiences but they didn't stop you from repeating the same type of conduct in your own marriage.

 

The question is when you were involved in your own affair, whether these horrific sad memories ever occurred to you, if not, why not; if so, why didn't they stop you from having your own affair?

[Poptart]

DD is young and only knows that her dad wasn't there. DS is high school age, and its had a negative impact on our relationship, a few years ago he started to ask probing questions about the reasons behind the divorce. While DKT attempted to place the blame on himself, he is a bright kid so he had an idea of what happened before we finally told him more indepth of the reasons behind it last year. Its had a major impact on his veiws of relationships. I actually started a thread about that.

 

Its all in line with what your saying here, in hindsight these were all things I never really put on the table while involved in the affair. I took for granted so many things that were so solid that I thought impossible to rock. I remember thinking "even if he finds out we (or I) could fix it, he won't leave me for this". I took for granted that I had a perfect family with a man who would have done anything for me. A true family man that had no bad habits. My only complaint was he worked too hard, which selfishly on my part meant he was taking me for granted.

 

Sending you a PM

 

Maybe your husband was working way too hard and maybe he was taking you for granted. Both observations might be completely correct. That's not the real issue.

 

The real issue is how you mentally jumped from "my husband works too hard" or "my husband is taking me for granted" to "It's ok for me to cheat on him."

 

How is that connection made? What is the thought process?

[OverIt75]

So you had these experiences but they didn't stop you from repeating the same type of conduct in your own marriage.

 

The question is when you were involved in your own affair, whether these horrific sad memories ever occurred to you, if not, why not; if so, why didn't they stop you from having your own affair?

 

I think there is a mental separation...a divide in the brain.

 

Yes, logically I could recall my experiences and memories from their affairs and absolutely knew I would never want that for my children.

 

But there is another part of you that allows you to engage in an A (unless you have NPD or something) which is separate from your normal, logical brain. You never consider that your children or H may experience the consequences. It seems at the time as if no one will ever know, or that you can end it at any moment, before the s&!t hits the fan. It's a level of denial I have never experienced before.

[nightmare01]

Anyone ever notice that the very things we seek in an affair - we will lose?

 

I thought I was 'in love' and desired that feeling - now the A is over and my H may never be able to love me in that way again.

 

I felt special in the A - now my H knows he has shared me and logically knows that I am no longer special. I am not a catch. What H and I have has been smeared and defiled by another relationship.

 

I felt intimacy and a 'connection' during the A - that was killed by NC and now there is a huge divide between H and I that we will need to work very hard to overcome...if we can.

 

I felt intensely happy...ecstatic really....during the A - now my days are filled with sadness, regret, guilt, grief, depression and fear.

 

I wanted it 'both ways' during the A - my H for the family, companionship, and security; my AP for the passion, love, and excitement. Now, I may end up with neither.

 

You take all the feelings that you have during an A and THEN try to go back to your M. You've created an experience that you can't help but compare to your real world. I was happy before the A; now everything falls short.

 

It seems the things we hang on to so tightly, that we lie and cheat and deceive even ourselves to get, fall right through our fingers in the end.

 

If we could only have foresight and tell ourselves the truth - you have everything in your M. It might not be perfect, but we are fortunate, blessed. Why the discontent? Keep chasing stars and you will end up with nothing.

 

So very true.

 

As a BH - I never got to feel that ecstacy with an AP you speak of. Prior and during my WWs LTA I was trying to build that in our relationship. And now that her LTA is long over, hope of that is gone.

 

My WW seems very happy in our M now, but for me there is always something missing.

 

An emotional connection? I think in order to have that there has to be tremendous trust between spouses.. and that trust is gone now. Some of the trust has come back to me now, but it will never be what it was.

 

Shattered trust I believe is the greatest destruction as a result of an affair. That loss of trust is like rot or termites in the relationship, it works its way into every aspect.

 

WW and I are still together, and we're fine. But our relationship will never be what it was and certainly never be what it could have been. As I said though, we're fine - our relationship now is "good enough" and the reality is that's all it will ever be. Those fairy tales of growing deeper in love through the many years we have together - those will never happen. The reality is that this (our relationship) is what it is, and all that it ever will be.

 

Not to take things too far off on a tangent - but a lot of us BS worry about being our WS PLAN B. That is, they have an affair with Mr/Ms Wonderful, and for whatever reason Mr/Ms Wonderful turns out to be not so wonderful after all. And our WS return to us... so you see it's hard not to see yourself as Plan B.

 

The thing is - that for me, a returned WS is MY Plan B. Plan A was to have kept fidelity in the relationship, and grown old and in love together through the years. My WWs LTA killed that, so now I'm living with Plan B.

 

It is what it is though. In life, ***** happens and sometimes the best you can do is to make the best of it.

[Poptart]

I think there is a mental separation...a divide in the brain.

 

Yes, logically I could recall my experiences and memories from their affairs and absolutely knew I would never want that for my children.

 

But there is another part of you that allows you to engage in an A (unless you have NPD or something) which is separate from your normal, logical brain. You never consider that your children or H may experience the consequences. It seems at the time as if no one will ever know, or that you can end it at any moment, before the s&!t hits the fan. It's a level of denial I have never experienced before.

 

But, even if no one else ever found out about it except you and the affair partner, why doesn't it bother you/the cheater enough not to do it? Isn't there something inside you, a little voice, saying "No I can't do this, this is wrong, this is not the person I really am"? Just wondering if you could provide some more insight on the thought process.

 

ETA: Your "conscience"? Where is the cheater's "conscience," the little voice inside that says "I won't do this even if I will never get caught, because it's wrong."

 

I think what every betrayed spouse is really after is trying to understand what is actually going on inside their spouse's head "in the moment" of the decision to cheat or to continue the affair and even assuming the cheater believes no one else could ever find out and there won't be any external consequences (such as in your case the job loss, conflict/w husband, and whatever else you're having to deal with right now.)

Edited November 28, 2014 by Poptart

[Poptart]

WW and I are still together, and we're fine. But our relationship will never be what it was and certainly never be what it could have been.

 

You're making an assumption that your WW is someone who was even capable of not cheating on you. Maybe she just didn't have enough of a developed sense of integrity not to cheat at some point or another.

 

We all like to assume our wives incapable of such an act. However, once proven wrong about that, it does no good to assume the contrary was ever even possible.

 

It might be easier to live with this situation if you figure that what you see is what you get and you got the best she ever had to give, which unfortunately includes that she is a cheater.

[jbrent890]

But, even if no one else ever found out about it except you and the affair partner, why doesn't it bother you/the cheater enough not to do it? Isn't there something inside you, a little voice, saying "No I can't do this, this is wrong, this is not the person I really am"? Just wondering if you could provide some more insight on the thought process.

 

ETA: Your "conscience"? Where is the cheater's "conscience," the little voice inside that says "I won't do this even if I will never get caught, because it's wrong."

 

I think what every betrayed spouse is really after is trying to understand what is actually going on inside their spouse's head "in the moment" of the decision to cheat or to continue the affair and even assuming the cheater believes no one else could ever find out and there won't be any external consequences (such as in your case the job loss, conflict/w husband, and whatever else you're having to deal with right now.)

 

I think she already answered the question in a previous post. Essentially what the BS doesn't know won't hurt them is the mindset. It's a very stupid mindset that has destroyed a lot of lives, but people still continue to have it. It's one of the biggest reasons why cheaters don't confess to cheating. That and self preservation.