Irony of an Affair

[Striver]

So my feeling about the cake and the icing is - you CAN have both and it CAN be with the same person. It's all about investing in the right relationship...the only one that can bring about TRUE happiness. And that's because you can only be happy when behaving in a way consistent with your values. I just don't think people can be deep-down happy without integrity.

 

You've already lost your integrity. Not trying to beat you up, but it's true.

 

The above sounds like a search for "the one." I do not believe in "the one" or soulmates. None of us is guaranteed love, or the perfect partner who meets our every need. If you have a partner who is meeting most of your needs and is willing to try, willing to compromise, maybe YOU should learn to be content with that. After all, it's possible that dear, sweet YOU may not be the perfect fit for your partner - or for anyone! How could that be?

 

Even our parents don't love every single thing about us, how could a partner? It isn't possible.

[OverIt75]

The point of it all is - I wish I had never gone there. I wish I could go back in time. I want to be happy and content in my 'having', as 'wanting' will never get me there.

 

Another irony - I am quite certain that I have not met all of my BH's needs over the years! I know that there are things he wishes he had in a wife (besides NO BETRAYAL obviously) that are just not in my DNA to give. He could have looked outside the M for those things, but has never done that to my knowledge. The difference was, he was able to place value on what he already had, instead of what may or may not be.

[OverIt75]

You've already lost your integrity. Not trying to beat you up, but it's true.

 

The above sounds like a search for "the one." I do not believe in "the one" or soulmates. None of us is guaranteed love, or the perfect partner who meets our every need. If you have a partner who is meeting most of your needs and is willing to try, willing to compromise, maybe YOU should learn to be content with that. After all, it's possible that dear, sweet YOU may not be the perfect fit for your partner - or for anyone! How could that be?

 

Even our parents don't love every single thing about us, how could a partner? It isn't possible.

 

Surprise! I actually wrote the post just after yours BEFORE reading this one.

[Woggle]

Cheating is a short time high for long term pain and anguish. It isn't worth it.

[Striver]

Surprise! I actually wrote the post just after yours BEFORE reading this one.

 

Hey!

 

I'm a BH, WW is leaving me for another man. I did read His Needs, Her Needs after the fact. While there are things I could have done better, it brought out that WW (at least the last couple of years) was meeting fewer of my needs than I hers! And she is the one who's unhappy, who "needs more."

 

Part of that was because they were things I new about before our M. Didn't think it was fair to complain about her not being this or that when I knew those things up front. Also, we have multiple children, which (to me, not her I guess) raises the stakes on any marital dissatisfaction. When the kids enter the picture, there needs to be more toleration of "the little things" that the spouse may not be providing.

 

Some of the slacking off she did wasn't cool, but it would take much more of that to cause problems for me. But then she is more impatient and selfish than me.

 

She's very talented in her ways, too. Why I married her. Of course, now I am more clinical in viewing those talents. Lots of people are talented that lack character and integrity.

[Furious]

The point of it all is - I wish I had never gone there. I wish I could go back in time. I want to be happy and content in my 'having', as 'wanting' will never get me there.

 

Another irony - I am quite certain that I have not met all of my BH's needs over the years! I know that there are things he wishes he had in a wife (besides NO BETRAYAL obviously) that are just not in my DNA to give. He could have looked outside the M for those things, but has never done that to my knowledge. The difference was, he was able to place value on what he already had, instead of what may or may not be.

 

 

Oh my god...you get it. Often, the thing we look for is right in front of our eyes.

No one can fill all needs at all times and those who understand that nothing comes easy are those who know in their gut that it's a journey with a purpose and the awards outweigh the sacrifice. That's hot...that's sexy, that's what builds a great life and great kids and that the old couples we see holding hands could be us that makes me teary.

 

Nothing better than arguing, kissing, knowing you're a team, knowing you've got each other's backs and share the longterm goal of happiness without blinders.

 

To often happiness is defined as "me" instead of "we". If more people embraced 'we" I think there'd more happiness to go around.

[drifter777]

Cheating is instant gratification. It's fun and it feels good. It's exciting to be sneaking around and sharing secrets from the world. In other words, it's an immature approach to life. It demonstrates the real character of the cheater: a spoiled, narcissistic brat who is willing to risk their real life - because it's not so much fun - for a fantasy life.

 

As someone said above, marriage is hard; really hard. For me, the reason to get married is to have a partner to raise children. That makes marriage even harder, but it provides a grounding & a reason to push through all the bullsh*t. If you can learn to find enjoyment and peace of mind from the special rewards that you get from your family life then you have a chance at a relatively happy married life. H and W bond through these difficult, trying years as they team up just to make it through the day. Then when the children grow up and leave home the bond that was forged is strong enough that the couple enjoy their shared accomplishments and want the continued companionship of the person who has been their partner through it all.

 

The sex and passion might be bad, good, or great. That's up to the couple to a great extent, but also each partner must be willing to communicate and work to get their needs filled in the bedroom. Getting your tree trimmed on a regular basis is an essential part of bonding and provides both with a release of tension and gives them something to look forward to at the end of a hard day raising the family.

 

That's my simplistic view of what life - married life - is all about. A traumatic event like cheating damages the trust which damages the bonding which damages married life. For most this damage will never be repaired making the partnership difficult or impossible to make work. Taking the alternative road of divorce and finding a way to collaborate on parenting the children is an honest, legitimate option to just trudging forward on a death march. Replacing the bond and the respect for your partner that it creates with a different kind of life can be much more rewarding and fulfilling then having to try to forgive your cheating partner every time an image of her screwing OM pops into your head.

[Trotters]

As in other threads its ok "the cheater" realizing the affair was only temporary, BUT, the BS wont see it that way surely?.

 

 

The WW/WH know what they have already but still chose to look elsewhere.

[Mr. Lucky]

Another irony - I am quite certain that I have not met all of my BH's needs over the years! I know that there are things he wishes he had in a wife (besides NO BETRAYAL obviously) that are just not in my DNA to give. He could have looked outside the M for those things, but has never done that to my knowledge. The difference was, he was able to place value on what he already had, instead of what may or may not be.

 

This is why I feel cheating is always about the individual, not about the marriage. It's frustrating for me to read the POV in many threads that the BS somehow facilitated infidelity by not meeting all the WS's needs, an impossible task.

 

The challenge is the same for both partners in a relationship - live within the possible. By definition, a WS defaults on any opportunities and upside a marriage might present by pursuing something else...

 

Mr. Lucky

[AlwaysGrowing]

When one can look back on their past actions...and go WTF....who the f was that....and are the harshest critic of those actions..that is when one knows they are no longer that person.

 

Those are the ones who learned something....they are the ones that now see **** miles out...they have a deeper appreciation of their loved ones, they take in every moment as precious, they see joy where they never saw it before. They get that life isn't that complicated. That it is easy to give the best of us. That giving the best of us...actual feels pretty damn good.

 

FTR ....there are lots of people that travelled this road. I often wonder...if it is not the more common way to get there.

[badkarma2013]

When one can look back on their past actions...and go WTF....who the f was that....and are the harshest critic of those actions..that is when one knows they are no longer that person.

 

Those are the ones who learned something....they are the ones that now see **** miles out...they have a deeper appreciation of their loved ones, they take in every moment as precious, they see joy where they never saw it before. They get that life isn't that complicated. That it is easy to give the best of us. That giving the best of us...actual feels pretty damn good.

 

FTR ....there are lots of people that travelled this road. I often wonder...if it is not the more common way to get there.

 

***************************************************************** I Agree.. after i filed for D...and the Om and her lost their jobs...she came out of it..BUT SOME DAMAGE CANNOT BE REPAIRED AND SOME HURTS CAN NEVER BE FORGIVEN OR FORGOTTEN ...

 

When to other man showed me pics of my WW doing sex acts with him SHE NEVER DID WITH ME IN 22 YEARS......at that second i knew there would be no Forgivness and no Reconcilition...

 

I truly feel now ..she gets it..(what i hear from friends etc..) as she (had to) move...but then not so much...

 

What floored me she could not understand why i filed for D...

 

I truly believe that (in my case) that the WW...will never UNDERSTAND what the sex acts do to a BH....IMO

[aliveagain]

I was listening to some music as I painted today(I am trying to finish a piece that is sold and going to California), a song from 1964 originally put out by Gloria Jones called Tainted Love, my favorite version is by Imelda May on YouTube, the one I was listening to as I painted. The words came over loud and clear and they described what most betrayed spouses feel after discovery, "Once I ran to you now I run from you" tainted love. That is how I felt about my ex, our love was tainted, she was tainted and she never put up a fight to protect me because I wasn't there. You are supposed to protect him when he is not there to do it himself, your supposed to have his back, you failed him miserably. This is what you need to get your husband through, that is the deal breaker.

[DbleBetrayal]

I was listening to some music as I painted today(I am trying to finish a piece that is sold and going to California), a song from 1964 originally put out by Gloria Jones called Tainted Love, my favorite version is by Imelda May on YouTube, the one I was listening to as I painted. The words came over loud and clear and they described what most betrayed spouses feel after discovery, "Once I ran to you now I run from you" tainted love. That is how I felt about my ex, our love was tainted, she was tainted and she never put up a fight to protect me because I wasn't there. You are supposed to protect him when he is not there to do it himself, your supposed to have his back, you failed him miserably. This is what you need to get your husband through, that is the deal breaker.

 

Have you seen the Soft Cell music video of 'Tainted Love'. It's pretty interesting if you get what's going on.

[Mr. Me]

Anyone ever notice that the very things we seek in an affair - we will lose?

 

Depends on what those things are. IF one is seeking to hang on to the marriage and have the affair go on with the husband none the wiser, then yes, you could lose the marriage if the husband finds out.

 

 

I thought I was 'in love' and desired that feeling - now the A is over and my H may never be able to love me in that way again.

 

So since when does an adult allow themselves to hurt their spouse just because they think they are in love with someone else? OK you were in love with the other man. So what? How did you justify having sex with the other man?

 

And, you're still concerned with how your husband might not be able to love you. It's still self centered emotion on your part. Not "gee I am concerned my husband got hurt so bad." Just concerned that you won't be the center of his universe any longer.

 

I felt special in the A - now my H knows he has shared me and logically knows that I am no longer special. I am not a catch. What H and I have has been smeared and defiled by another relationship.

 

Once again it's all about you you you. You're no longer special. You're no longer a catch. You felt special in the A.

 

Special how, exactly? Because the OM focused a bunch of attention on you. It couldn't have been because of anything you did for the benefit of another person.

 

Since the OM was your boss, was advancement at work or any special treatment a factor in your decision to cheat with this particular man? Be honest please. Even if that wasn't your intention, surely you can't deny getting some kind of favorable treatment at work by having sex with the boss, can you? Or at the least an expectation of special treatment?

 

 

 

I felt intimacy and a 'connection' during the A - that was killed by NC and now there is a huge divide between H and I that we will need to work very hard to overcome...if we can.

 

Why does your husband need to work to overcome the divide you caused? Why put any of the burden at all upon him?

 

Also if your idea of intimacy and connection was the sex you had with your boss during your affair then you are going to have a hard time recovering the marriage since what you call intimacy and connection was really a phony sham pretend substitute of true intimacy and connection.

 

 

I felt intensely happy...ecstatic really....during the A - now my days are filled with sadness, regret, guilt, grief, depression and fear.

 

People who get intensely happy or ecstatic when doing evil are just bad people.

 

I wanted it 'both ways' during the A - my H for the family, companionship, and security; my AP for the passion, love, and excitement. Now, I may end up with neither.

 

Neither is exactly what you deserve. Anything more you get is an undeserved bonus. (Again your only concern is what YOU end up with.) Just desserts of your bad behavior done solely for your own self-gratification. You got caught with your hand in the cookie jar and knocked it over and it broke and all the cookies broke too and now you can't have any dessert with supper. Nice pity party you are having for yourself here.

 

 

You take all the feelings that you have during an A and THEN try to go back to your M. You've created an experience that you can't help but compare to your real world. I was happy before the A; now everything falls short.

 

Every single darn thing you're writing is about how YOU feel. Your problem is you are a totally self centered person. Selfish. I'm not sure how you can "fix" a basic personality flaw like that. Your total lack of empathy is what enabled you to cheat on your husband and be ecstatic about it (no guilt at all about it actually even after being caught).

 

 

It seems the things we hang on to so tightly, that we lie and cheat and deceive even ourselves to get, fall right through our fingers in the end.

 

No, it seems like actions have consequences. You didn't hang onto your marriage too tightly, did you? The only thing you lied cheated and deceived to get was your affair. So you're saying you sad because you lied cheated and deceived to get the affair and now it's fallen through your fingers at the end cause you were caught.

 

 

If we could only have foresight and tell ourselves the truth - you have everything in your M. It might not be perfect, but we are fortunate, blessed. Why the discontent? Keep chasing stars and you will end up with nothing.

 

Well you might end up with yourself, which might be worse than nothing.

[Mr. Me]

This is so true. In my relationship I knew what i missing but i didn't exactly know what it felt like, if that makes sense. So even though I was missing something, I was still ok in the relationship overall. Then I had an affair over the summer and was given everything I was missing. I finally knew what it felt like! And when you get a taste of it, it's hard to just go back to relationship that cat's out of the bag.

 

The irony of my affair was that I was sad and missing affection...I had my affair, things didn't work out and I am STILL sad and missing affection. it never filled my void like i thought. It was a brief filler.

 

Thanks for your post. It reminds me to be careful what we wish for...we might get it but lose everything in the process.

 

 

So, you were missing having sex with another man?

 

Do you understand that by definition being "monogamous" means only one man at a time?

[Realist3]

Anyone ever notice that the very things we seek in an affair - we will lose?

 

I thought I was 'in love' and desired that feeling - now the A is over and my H may never be able to love me in that way again.

 

I felt special in the A - now my H knows he has shared me and logically knows that I am no longer special. I am not a catch. What H and I have has been smeared and defiled by another relationship.

 

I felt intimacy and a 'connection' during the A - that was killed by NC and now there is a huge divide between H and I that we will need to work very hard to overcome...if we can.

 

I felt intensely happy...ecstatic really....during the A - now my days are filled with sadness, regret, guilt, grief, depression and fear.

 

I wanted it 'both ways' during the A - my H for the family, companionship, and security; my AP for the passion, love, and excitement. Now, I may end up with neither.

 

You take all the feelings that you have during an A and THEN try to go back to your M. You've created an experience that you can't help but compare to your real world. I was happy before the A; now everything falls short.

 

It seems the things we hang on to so tightly, that we lie and cheat and deceive even ourselves to get, fall right through our fingers in the end.

 

If we could only have foresight and tell ourselves the truth - you have everything in your M. It might not be perfect, but we are fortunate, blessed. Why the discontent? Keep chasing stars and you will end up with nothing.

 

Why does this seem so much like another poster here from the other angle? Pardon me, but a do-gooder. Like you are trying to give 'foresight', but not really from the correct angle.

Edited November 27, 2014 by Realist3

[thirtysomethingteen]

I hope everyone considering starting an affair reads your post. Anyone already in an affair probably won't care because they are not in the real world, they are in that fantasy land with rainbows and fluffy bunnies.

 

I read the OP's posts.

 

OP, just wanted to send you some ((hugs)) and say thank you. I know it's probably of small comfort given the circumstances, but your posts and your story helped me a great deal and helped save me from walking down the same path.

 

Thank you for having the courage to share your story here. Also, FWIW I commend you for telling your H the truth. Yeah he found some questionable content on your iPad but you could have just as easily lied your way out of it. That's what my husband would do when I would find little tells of his infidelity and when he FINALLY admitted the truth (because I finally found evidence he couldn't lie his way out of) all that previous gaslighting made reconcilliation that much more difficult - but we still got through it and I hope you and your husband make it too.

[Mr. Me]

Even though I'm the one who cheated, I am almost to the point where I feel like 'getting my needs met' is a bunch of crap. I think marriage was not designed to be self-serving.

 

I cheated, in spite of being generally happy. The sad thing is that the affair showed me some other things that I had been satisfied without before, because frankly, ignorance is bliss.

 

It's kind of like the 'old-fashioned' or Biblical idea of no sex before marriage. If you save yourself for ONE, and are faithful to that ONE, you will be happy - right? You won't know the difference. There are no comparisons.

 

I was just making a point in my original post that we hold so tightly onto certain 'feelings' in an A; we work so hard to hide and sneak around so we can maintain both relationships; yet it is all self-sabotage. At the end of the day, we may not have the A or our M.

 

Getting your needs met in the marriage is not a bunch of crap, at all. But not to the exclusion of your SPOUSE's needs! Which includes your spouse's need to have a wife that does not cheat on him. Whoever told you that getting your needs met means ignoring your spouse's needs?

 

What is this mysterious some other thing the affair showed you? Better sex? Bigger penis?

 

Do you not understand that you can only marry one man at a time?

 

I mean Jesus if you decided it would meet your needs to have sex with your father or brother or son or a donkey would that make it OK for you to do? Because that kind of sex is "missing" in your marriage?

 

Frankly since you sound intelligent, intelligent enough to try to conceal the affair as long as possible, I think pretty much all of this talk about your needs and this and that is a smoke screen.

 

I think you were getting bored in the marriage, like a lot of people do; probably figured your husband was a trusting, clueless dummy that you could cheat on and get away with; and targeted your boss for the affair because you figured that you could kill two birds with one stone--have the affair you wanted and try to advance your career, hiding it all from your husband. Maybe in the back of your mind thinking your OM would leave his wife at some point too.

 

You were happy and ecstatic during the affair because you thought you were getting away with it and your husband would never find out. The affair probably gave you a lot of leverage at work too. The boss won't generally make the workplace unpleasant for the underling that he's railing.

 

You got caught, lost the job, lost the affair, you got nowhere else to go except back to hubby, do you?

 

You're trying to simulate what you think the right words are for someone in your position but are getting it all wrong because you're not sorry at all about what you did, just pissed off that you got caught. You don't know what the real feelings are because you're selfish and lack any empathy for your husband.

 

Only genuinely bad people are "happy" and "ecstatic" when they are doing bad, selfish, hurtful things; and then become depressed and sad when they have to stop doing those bad, hurtful things.

 

That's you in a nutshell.

[jbrent890]

Mr. Me, I have read a lot of your posts and I have to say they aren't helping. Don't mean to offend, but don't kick this woman why she is down. Even though I do wish she would have told her husband about the affair as opposed to confessing after she got caught, she as it stands is displaying true remorse. Most BSs don't get that. What they do get is I will do enough work to get things calm again, then rug sweep the entire matter. The OP is one of the few WWs on this site I have respect for. I feel that she gets it. Beating her up at this point doesn't help her. I'm sure she and her husband have done a lot of that already. Overit has a lot of work ahead of her. Her husband can leave at anytime and sadly that may be the case. However, she is here asking for advice on how to help heal her marriage. Again, I respect that.

[Mr. Me]

Mr. Me, I have read a lot of your posts and I have to say they aren't helping.

 

I think they are helping quite a bit.

 

 

Don't mean to offend, but don't kick this woman why she is down.

 

I didn't kick her. Please don't encourage her to think of herself as the "victim" and encourage her inappropriate self-pity. That is definitely not "helpful" to her.

 

 

 

Even though I do wish she would have told her husband about the affair as opposed to confessing after she got caught, she as it stands is displaying true remorse.

 

"True remorse" would reflect caring about her husband's feelings. Her comments almost exclusively are all about her feelings, not her husband's, and what she has lost from all this, not what he has lost.

 

 

 

Most BSs don't get that. What they do get is I will do enough work to get things calm again, then rug sweep the entire matter. The OP is one of the few WWs on this site I have respect for. I feel that she gets it.

 

I am quite sure she doesn't "get it." Just look at the language she used. Look at the fact that you are actually defending her. She manipulated you to do so by expressing her self-pity and for some reason you're drawn in by that.

 

Beating her up at this point doesn't help her.

 

I didn't beat her up, and again, encouraging her to wallow in self-pitying "victimhood" is NOT helping her.

 

 

I'm sure she and her husband have done a lot of that already. Overit has a lot of work ahead of her. Her husband can leave at anytime and sadly that may be the case. However, she is here asking for advice on how to help heal her marriage. Again, I respect that.

 

Excuse me but where did she ask for advice on how to help heal her marriage?

[violet1]

Mr. Me,

 

 

I sure hope you don't live in a glass house. Not only was your post to the OP extremely judgemental, but way out of line. You don't know her personally nor do you know what's in her mind.

 

 

Affairs are extremely self destructive. During the A, many WS's don't realize how destructive their behavior truly is. It's no different than a drug addict really. They think that as long as nobody knows, nobody gets hurt. Once there has been a confession or a D Day that's when it all changes. I think it's wonderful that the OP's perspective has changed since her confession. It shows that she's learning from her bad choice. Living and learning is what life is all about IMO.

[OverIt75]

I think they are helping quite a bit.

 

 

 

 

I didn't kick her. Please don't encourage her to think of herself as the "victim" and encourage her inappropriate self-pity. That is definitely not "helpful" to her.

 

 

 

 

 

"True remorse" would reflect caring about her husband's feelings. Her comments almost exclusively are all about her feelings, not her husband's, and what she has lost from all this, not what he has lost.

 

 

 

 

 

I am quite sure she doesn't "get it." Just look at the language she used. Look at the fact that you are actually defending her. She manipulated you to do so by expressing her self-pity and for some reason you're drawn in by that.

 

 

 

I didn't beat her up, and again, encouraging her to wallow in self-pitying "victimhood" is NOT helping her.

 

 

 

 

Excuse me but where did she ask for advice on how to help heal her marriage?

 

There's a lot I could say to you, but will try to refrain.

 

I'm not sure whose feelings I should post about other than my own. I am very empathetic to my H, but I give that to HIM. I don't purport to know his feelings and then broadcast them on the Internet.

 

Don't worry, I know I'm not a victim. Never painted myself that way. Though it seems you would like to make one out of me.

 

Settle down. Geez.

[Friskyone4u]

Congratulations on your courage to post and not do what so many WW do and moan about the longing for AP and search for affirmation and support to keep lying to their husbands because their "needs" are not being met.

I hope your husband realizes your true remorse and gives you the gift of attempting to R.

[BeholdtheMan]

If we could only have foresight and tell ourselves the truth - you have everything in your M. It might not be perfect, but we are fortunate, blessed. Why the discontent? Keep chasing stars and you will end up with nothing.

 

It's less about foresight, more about self-control

[JustJoe]

I will add one other thing, in response to Dichotomy, Oldshirt, and others...

 

Those of us who have cheated may talk a lot about feelings and needs and other things that were gratified during the affair.

 

But the thing no one talks about (unless they lose it) is all the feelings and needs that are provided for in the marriage. Because those are things taken for granted.

 

We can't have it both ways. A choice must be made. If you choose the other side of the fence, you will lose everything that's already on your own grass...and because we have them (those 'needs' are met) we don't logically place as much value on them as things we may not have, or think we don't. Aside from certain and specific situations, most WWs and WHs determine that they prefer the side they're on. That it's actually better. And maybe if they spent their investment THERE, it could be even more.

As a child who watched his mother's affair play out. there is something else you are not expressing. It is only passionate, loving, exciting and fullfilling......because it is an affair. As my mom found out, nothing takes the luster off an affair quicker than when you have to do the same things for your affair partner, that you do (or did) for your family. It's hard to view your affair partner as the "Love of your life" when you have to wash his underwear, or fix his meals. And it is impossible to have an affair, without drama.