How do I ask my wife if she's having an affair?

[James7]

Good Luck James with the kit.

 

I hope the news comes back that she is not screwing around on you.

 

I have the offending panties in my briefcase and will be popping over to mates house shortly for us to do the test.

 

My only issue now is that I've had them so long, I can recall whether it could be mine or not from the evening before? It certainly wouldn't be at the rear though. That's not something she lets me do.

 

Maybe it's just nerves...... I'm pretty sure we didn't didn't have sex within 24 hours of her wearing them.

 

Just need to work out what I'm going to do if it is indeed semen.

[elaine567]

I think if you find semen, then you need to get another pair of knickers that you definitely know were not worn after you had sex with her.

 

You cannot accuse her of cheating with the "evidence" of semen on her knickers, when there is a possibility that the semen might be yours.

[James7]

I think if you find semen, then you need to get another pair of knickers that you definitely know were not worn after you had sex with her.

 

You cannot accuse her of cheating with the "evidence" of semen on her knickers, when there is a possibility that the semen might be yours.

i

 

I am quite sure. I think this is just nerves getting the better of me.

 

It's what I do once I have physical evidence and whether I'm happy to admit purchasing the kit or whether I go to catch her at it.

[Chemist]

i

 

I am quite sure. I think this is just nerves getting the better of me.

 

It's what I do once I have physical evidence and whether I'm happy to admit purchasing the kit or whether I go to catch her at it.

 

I would amass the evidence if it happens to be the case.

 

Screen shot the dirty archived messages. Save and hide them/print them and hide them. Save the panties and the positive test result, as well as be prepared to show her another one. Then, I would even try to take a couple days off work and follow her around with a camera and try and figure out who it is, get some pictures.

 

 

Then confront her in a way that she may lie about who she was with then. Then tell her you saw her with the guy, if she denies, pull the pictures. Then ask her what she was doing and why lie about it. She will lie again, oh we met for work, I forgot. Oh, then why does this guy say things to you of this nature on facebook? Again, pull the pictures when she denies it. Then when she says it is just talk, then the undies.

 

 

I don't know. Or you just drop it all at once on her and leave.

 

Or she isn't cheating, and then I suggest you really sit down and have a chat with her anyway about your insecurities and her behavior. Try to find a common ground and understanding with what you find acceptable and not acceptable.

 

Also, a while back you asked about dried stains. In my lack of time, I can't drop the dick let me google that for you link, but straight from checkmate website:

 

Will this work on dried semen stains

That's what you're looking for is dried stains and once the semen is dried on the material that's exactly where it will remain, locked into the fibers of the garment until the next time the item is laundered in a washing machine.

How old can the suspected stain be?

Dried semen is a very resilient substance that can live on as testable evidence for years when stored at normal room temperature. However, in the vast majority of cases you'll more than likely be testing items that were probably recently stained anyway. So, when we're talking about testing for semen stains in a relationship setting the age of the stain is really not even a factor to consider or worry about.

Edited December 5, 2014 by Chemist

[Realist3]

Testing kit arriving tomorrow. I have saved the panties from the other day as they so much on them. I assume the kit works on dried semen?

 

Interesting facebook messages again (and I stress that I had to read this in archive) -

 

She had a message trail with a female colleague where they were "rating" male colleagues and speculating on penis sizes.

 

Further flirty message exchanges with her and this male colleague - again, nothing direct but plenty of suggestive comments one in which she suggested that she doesn't always wear knickers.

 

Some of you will jump up and down that this means she's doing it. But again, I've worked in these environments whereby colleagues exchange flirty and dirty talk with absolutely nothing going on.

 

 

You are in serious denial.

 

A married woman does not archive messages unless she is hiding something. She also does not talk about her underwear choices, or lack thereof with another man at work in private messages on FB.

 

I have no idea which 'environments' you have worked in, but I can assure you that is not typical or in any way professional.

 

 

What is the frequency of these suggestive messages?

[oldshirt]

I'm not sure you have a smoking gun here but you at least have a loaded gun. It may not be smoking but it is at least still warm and with powder residue in the barrel.

 

You have enough probable cause here to bump up your investigation to another level.

 

Do the voice activated recorders that people have suggested. Install key logger programs on her computer(s). Put a GPS tracker in her car.

 

Keep doing the semen detection on her clothes. A sitting president was impeached for that so that will be a smoking gun if it turns positive.

 

And finally, I think you have enough grounds to hire a professional investigator. The discussion with her boss I believe goes way beyond flirty banter between coworkers. I think it is probable cause for the gloves to come off on the investigation. A PI would be able to do some forensic computer analysis and retrieve deleted and hidden conversations. Cheaters often have completely secret email and Facebook accounts and burner phones. A PI would be able to sweep your house to see if there is another phone in your house stashed somewhere.

 

You don't have "proof" yet but you are very very close.

 

Do NOT confront her or ask her yet. She is already covering her tracks well. If you show your hand too soon she'll go deeper under ground.

 

 

I just wanted to reiterate these points.

 

I don't think you have a smoking gun yet or definitive proof. But I do think you have enough index of suspicion to warrant a thorough and sincere investigation.

 

I do not think you are sticking your head in the sand as you are investigating this and looking deeper. I think you are acting prudently for the moment and are still collecting data.

 

It's ok to give her the benifit of the doubt and not jump to conclusions on circumstantial evidence.

 

The benifit of the doubt becomes problematic when it becomes denial. Denial is when you do have physical evidence and reliable evidence and you continue to make excuses.

 

Continue actively seeking and gathering data. All I ask is if you do uncover a smoking gun that matches the ballistics of all the other evidence, don't try to convince yourself it is a squirt gun.

[Man Mountain Makino]

Look, for me it's important to apply the same standards for me as well as her. This isn't sticking my head in the sand.......

Bro, she is a lucky woman. I repeat, she doesn't have to make any excuses. You make them all for her.

[beach]

Not only do you make excuses for her - you also ignore evidence that's right in front of you and don't do anything to prove one way or the other what you keep wondering about.

 

In this case doing nothing is something... You could provide yourself with info yet you have waited to see the outcome of the evidence.

 

I don't think you'll test it because you don't want the truth.

 

Your denial is easier to live with.

[Frogger]

Those of you accusing me of sticking my head in the sand or being to soft on this are a mile wide of the mark. Those of you suggesting that just because she is married she shouldn't engage in banter even of a sexually suggestive nature really must have led a pretty sheltered life.

 

You really think it is normal "banter of a sexually suggestive nature" for a woman to have text messages directly with another man talking about the underwear she wears and joking about ****ing her with respect to her oblivious husband?

 

I mean, I have a secretary who is a woman. At no point, no matter how close our relationship was as friends, would I even consider it remotely acceptable to text her joking about ****ing her in response to something said about her husband.

[LifesontheUp]

Further flirty message exchanges with her and this male colleague - again, nothing direct but plenty of suggestive comments one in which she suggested that she doesn't always wear knickers.

 

Wouldn't speculate whether she's currently cheating or not. However, I work in an office with over 200 people, male and female and have done for nearly 20yrs. There is banter, but the only private messages are between those carrying out affairs, those dating or going down the route of dating.

 

Telling a guy other than your husband about your knicker situation tells me she has a "thing" for him. Whether it leads anywhere or has, I don't know. But if I were you, I would be very concerned.

[Chi townD]

Dude, don't count all your eggs as only being this checkmate kit is the end all, "she's cheating on me!" What about the other things we mentioned? The VAR's, the stick GPS in her car to track her (if she's out to lunch and it happens to be a hotels parking lot or someone's apartment complex....), phone records... you still need to gather more than just the checkmate for evidence.

[petee]

Chi TownD,

 

I suggest you read the whole thread, as clearly you haven't.

[pies]

Telling a guy other than your husband about your knicker situation tells me she has a "thing" for him. Whether it leads anywhere or has, I don't know. But if I were you, I would be very concerned.

 

I agree on this. As a woman, I would never have that kind of knicker-talk with a guy while being in a relationship. It seems like a dangerous territory.

[Chi townD]

Chi TownD,

 

I suggest you read the whole thread, as clearly you haven't.

 

 

 

Uh yeah. Lets see. I'm post number 7, 15, 18, 89 ,112 and 138.

 

 

I understand that he has checked her email and that came up clean. Perhaps a little too clean as it seems she erases her inbox a lot. But, he found flirtatious IM's between her and co-workers on Facebook. I understand that she dresses a little too sexy for work and she definitely isn't wearing a standard bra and granny panties to work. Lacy and see through is her standard wear at the moment. He's found some stains in her panties that doesn't seem like standard discharge that could be considered normal.

 

 

I was the first one to suggest that he get a checkmate. I also suggested that he surprise her at work to be a nice guy and take her out to lunch (to which he did only to discover that she wasn't there). I also suggested that he get a keylogger (if she's erasing her inbox, the keylogger would catch those emails before deletion). Also suggested the VAR's AND a iPhone file extractor.

 

 

Yeah, I've read the thread.

[drifter777]

...

Her one night stand........ I had an affair several years ago. It went on for 4 months. I didn't get caught, I ended it and I have never cheated again. Hers was one occasion. What makes her different to me?

That's it - knowing this I could not care less what happens to you, your wife, or your marriage.

[James7]

That's it - knowing this I could not care less what happens to you, your wife, or your marriage.

 

 

Well off you go then. In fact if you care so little why bother to write your post other than to identify yourself as a judgemental busy body.

 

See ya.

[James7]

Ok, I have evidence. It was semen the panties that I tested.

 

So where do I go from here?

[bathtub-row]

Ok, I have evidence. It was semen the panties that I tested.

 

So where do I go from here?

 

I'm really sorry, James. Hire a PI.

[elaine567]

Ok, I have evidence. It was semen the panties that I tested.

 

So where do I go from here?

 

Oh wow! I am sorry to hear that.

With the profuseness of the discharge, I thought it may be thrush and Canestan cream perhaps.

Are you completely certain it cannot possibly be your semen?

 

If you are certain, then I leave it to the experts on here to tell you where to go now, but once you have proven to yourself she is cheating, there is no need to prove it to her, i.e. she will ask to see proof, after proof, after proof but she is not entitled to that.

You know, and that is what is important here.

[bigman1]

James: Please accept this as it is intended to be nice and in your best interest.

 

First, why are you asking what to do next? You found semen in her panties and you are positive that it is not yours. Seriously, why are you asking what to do? You are either going to do one of two things. Nothing or confront her with the results, your suspicions and your questions.

 

After that, you are going to either waffle around like a lot of people in your situation. you are going to be angry, sad, etc. Then, you will keep asking for advice on what to do next. Finally, you will get to the decision time. Either you are going to try to work it out and swallow the crap sandwich that you have been served and continue burping up the crap and suffering until you get used to the taste OR you are going to divorce her. Read the threads. Those are your choices. Waffle, empty threats, half assd action, deal with it cause you can't leave, or walk. That is the short version.

 

I do have a plan of action. I would ask her if she is screwing someone else. I'd tell her that she she best think about her answer before she gives it because if she lies then all hell is gonna break loose. If she lies, throw down the panties, tell her the test results, tell her to GTFO and stick to it and tell her that you are going to go scorched earth because she took you for a fool. if she tells the truth, tell her to GTFO, but tell her that you will be fair in the divorce.

 

Barring that, you are going to do the pick me dance, the woe is me shuffle, and the eating crap blue plate special.

[smackie9]

Ok, I have evidence. It was semen the panties that I tested.

 

So where do I go from here?

 

You tell her you know she is cheating and needs to GTF out. You don't have to tell her how you know. Even if she tries to deny it, you keep telling her to stop lying, you KNOW she is cheating. She's dirty, she walks around with semen soaked panties....GROSS.

[road]

Ok, I have evidence. It was semen the panties that I tested.

 

So where do I go from here?

 

 

 

DNA test those panties to eliminate you as the source.

[aliveagain]

Ok, I have evidence. It was semen the panties that I tested.

 

So where do I go from here?

 

You can spend a small fortune on a PI but if that semen isn't yours you already have enough proof to decide if this marriage is for you. She's having unprotected sex with someone so protect yourself, abstain from sex until you confront her. My suggestion, talk to a lawyer, tell him of your evidence, understand your rights, confront.

 

Sit her down at a neutral location, perhaps a restaurant that has background noise. Tell her you know she is being unfaithful, tell her you have proof without disclosing your proof. Tell her you have been to a lawyer and understand your rights. Tell her she has one opportunity to give you the truth, all of it if she wants a chance to save your marriage because your decision to stay in it or go will be based on her disclosure. Explain that reconciliation will not be possible if her answer is different than your proof. Carry a var on you when you confront.

 

Be prepared to back up your statement, your line has to be drawn in the sand and you can not move it once you put it out there. She has already left the marriage if she is having unprotected sex with another man. Tell her you are taking yourself out of infidelity with or without her. Have your conditions ready, no contact, full transparency, STD testing, who, when, where(your home?) how long, how many times. Be prepared to ask her to leave her place of employment if it is with someone she works with. Do not back down. Get both of you into independent counselling, find out why you both need outside validation.

 

There is one other option, offer her an open marriage. With both your histories that may be a good option.

Edited December 5, 2014 by aliveagain

[lolablue17]

So sorry for you.

 

It still bothers me... I can't imagine a woman is taking a break from work, having sex with her lover, and just leaves his semen inside her, knowing everything is gonna leak out to her panties.

 

Yet. I don't have any other explanation.

 

is this test 100% reliable?

[elaine567]

So sorry for you.

 

It still bothers me... I can't imagine a woman is taking a break from work, having sex with her lover, and just leaves his semen inside her, knowing everything is gonna leak out to her panties.

 

Yet. I don't have any other explanation.

 

is this test 100% reliable?

 

They have sex, semen gets on her panties, she whips then off as soon as she can get to a toilet, puts them in a plastic bag in her handbag, puts on a fresh pair and continues her day. She then puts the dirty knickers in the laundry basket at home.