How do I ask my wife if she's having an affair?

[James7]

I feel terrible for doing it but I've got my hands on her facebook and e-mail account passwords so I can monitor that. Can't get access to her phone though. In a moment, I'm going to pop down to her office to see if she fancies lunch for a change.

[James7]

Well that was pointless. I turned up at her office and she was out to lunch and nobody could help me as to where. I tried to ring her but couldn't get through as there is a really poor quality mobile / cell coverage in the area.

[James7]

I'll check facebook and e-mails later, when I get the chance.

[PegNosePete]

Well that was pointless. I turned up at her office and she was out to lunch and nobody could help me as to where. I tried to ring her but couldn't get through as there is a really poor quality mobile / cell coverage in the area.

On the contrary, it presents a good opportunity. When you are both home tonight, say very casually "I popped into your work to see if you wanted to have lunch". Don't give any more info, don't tell her that she was out and that nobody knew where she was, or that you called and she didn't have signal. Just say you visited, and see what she says, watching her face and body language as well as listening to her words - but, make it all very innocent on your part! Don't make it look like you're checking up on her! You just fancied lunch together so you popped by. If she was up to something dodgy then she will probably be crapping a brick by this point, and may feed you a badly thought out lie, which will be proven false by checking her email, facebook or phone.

Edited November 26, 2014 by PegNosePete

[lolablue17]

Another advice:

 

If she is innocent, no problem. But if you finds out she's having an affair, start thinking whats next...

 

Because when it hits you, your mind will not be clear as it is now. Talk maybe with a friend and try to analyze the situation and plan your next moves.

 

By the way, dont tell her you've been to her office today.

[Copelandsanity]

Don't ask. Do everything in your power to find out as much as humanly possible first.

[smackie9]

OP to be it sounds like your mind is already made up, and you are seeking out a lynch mob here to back you up. Do you really want it to be true to get satisfaction?, giving you a reason to leave?? You have trust issues with your relationships in the past?? It's almost like you have a hate-on for her, or some kind of resentment towards her when you don't even have actually proof.

[James7]

OP to be it sounds like your mind is already made up, and you are seeking out a lynch mob here to back you up. Do you really want it to be true to get satisfaction?, giving you a reason to leave?? You have trust issues with your relationships in the past?? It's almost like you have a hate-on for her, or some kind of resentment towards her when you don't even have actually proof.

 

I'm not quite sure what generated this but if it's the best you can do to help then maybe you'd like to rake you "support" elsewhere.

 

I love my wife dearly and have never had trust issues with her or in any other relationship.

 

I feel that there are some things here that don't add up. Yes, I am suspicious at the moment. I really hope that my suspicions are wrong, I really do. What if the worst happens? I will do everything I can to repair whatever is wrong that would make her do this.

[James7]

Getting back on track, before reading the postings on here I did tell my wife that I dropped by her office today and she was out and that I couldn't get hold of her by phone - I had literally no reply and no facial expressions that either concerned me or suggested that me turning up worried her.

 

Having now checked facebook messages (for which I feel awful), there was no direct messages that would give me proof although she has received some propositional messages from somebody who I have no knowledge of. They were a bit explicit but from what I can see she did not reply. I will look into this and of course if she has deleted messages, I can't see them.

 

Again, with e-mails I found nothing at all but did note that she keeps an incredibly clean inbox. So, she either very organised (which she generally is) or she's deleting evidence. At this point I would prefer to believe the former.

 

one thing I did note was that after she changed into her bedclothes this evening, I checked her laundry. To work today she wore a transparent black mesh bra and panty set. The sort that you can clearly see nipples and pubic hair through. Again, the panties were wet on the gusset and had splashes on the outside also. That for me is hard to explain (it looks like cum to me) but I would really welcome reasonable suggestions that could innocently explain this from posters here.

[Chemist]

Well man, I know girls will ignore messages of that type when they are not interested. Acknowledgement opens the door for more. Easier to ignore.

 

Cheating doesn't imply she is ****ing any and everybody.

 

The sexy lingerie is odd if she's not wearing them for you at all. I'd test the panties. Text messages are going to be the ticket. If you are on the same bill as her, I would request the detailed bill for your phones. Look for numbers you don't know that are frequent.

 

You may even create accounts on popular dating sites (OKCupid, E Harmony, Match, POF) If they are the pay ones, you can look for account bills on credit card statements.

[James7]

Her cell phone is provided through her company and therefore I have no access to the account or billing.

 

You say get the panties tested? How do I do this?

[Chemist]

Her cell phone is provided through her company and therefore I have no access to the account or billing.

 

You say get the panties tested? How do I do this?

 

CheckMate Infidelity Test Kit for Semen-Sperm Stain Detection.

http://www.amazon.com/CheckMate-Infidelity-Tests-detect-Semen/dp/B009R43R6Y

 

[beach]

Get the panties tested with a semen test.

 

Looks like a 5 pack is sold that gives instant results. On amazon. About $35 but you may find them at a drug store.

 

Semen Detection Test Strips, Infidelity Test Kit (5 pack)

 

Be aware - If she is cheating it isn't YOURS to fix - that is up to HER to repair the damage she caused, not you.

 

Have a plan. Do not be a whimp if she is cheating. Get a plan together that would make her suffer consequences so severe that she does become scared she might lose you.

Edited November 26, 2014 by beach

[theendisnear]

I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this. I had a similar situation a few years back, although my ex didn't actually cheat, or at least in the physical way. Changing the way she dresses and the way she keeps her hair is definitely something that sounds suspicious. And honestly it sucks but if you've gotten to the point where you suspect it, I'd say 9 times out of 10 it's probably happening. Before you actually confront her do yourself a favor and figure out how you’d like this to go. Would you stay with her, fight for her, leave her? Figure out what you'd like to do and then bear in mind that it will not be up to you the way this turns out so prepare yourself for the end. I fought for about a month and a half before I just gave up, and honestly life turned out pretty good. It's a bummer but sometimes these things expose that perhaps you and your spouse were not good fits to begin with. Hope all turns out well. And sorry man.

[beach]

Most cheaters will never admit.

 

You need evidence if you plan to ask - see how she answers then present hard evidence.

 

Be sure she can't blame you for that stain!

[Friskyone4u]

If you are interested in finding out what she is doing stop asking questions with easy answers and get the answers. No one her can give them to you . You are ignoring advice on what to do so start with a VAR in her car .

Married women do not wear lingerie to work that is sexier and more revealing than anything their husband sees or do any of the things your wife is doing umless they are seeing another man. You can hope to believe whatever you want to but that will not get you any answers.

[bathtub-row]

Her cell phone is provided through her company and therefore I have no access to the account or billing.

 

You say get the panties tested? How do I do this?

 

I think this is an immediate red flag that you don't know the password to her phone. Does she know the password on your phone? If spouses don't share this kind of information with one another, they're already in a relationship of mutual distrust. That's just my opinion.

 

Also, you do realize that if she knows that you know her password on facebook and email, then she won't use those things for communicating with whoever this person may be. It's extremely easy to create an email account that you would know nothing about. If I were you, I'd see where she goes at lunchtime, or have PI follow her for a few days, if you can afford to do that. You'd have an answer very quickly. Be careful about using tape recorders that are voice-activated. They make a clicking noise when they turn on and off.

 

Btw, there's no other plausible reason that I can think of as to why her underwear would be wet on the outside. I'm really sorry but I think you already know that based on the things you're already observing, she is most likely having an affair.

[BeholdtheMan]

Getting back on track, before reading the postings on here I did tell my wife that I dropped by her office today and she was out and that I couldn't get hold of her by phone - I had literally no reply and no facial expressions that either concerned me or suggested that me turning up worried her.

 

Why would you do that? You're alerting her. Wow...

[beach]

Her coworkers seem to cover for her. They didn't give you any indication of where she went during lunch.

 

Be certain they alerted her you were there. She could have texted you during the afternoon saying sorry she missed you - that you were so sweet to want to take her to lunch... But she didn't. She didn't even bother acknowledging it. She waited until you brought it up.

[whichwayisup]

Hire a PI. If you can't afford it, borrow money from a trusted friend.

I will do everything I can to repair whatever is wrong that would make her do this.

 

You cannot repair her, she has to repair herself.

 

If she is cheating, this is ALL ON HER, not you. Each of you are responsible for your part in the marriage, but with that said, it just takes one person to be selfish and forget the ring, forget the vows and go elsewhere.

 

It could be she got caught up in the fog and ego feed of an emotional affair, flirting and feeling good. she was able to put you out of her head. The thing is, if she is cheating, she's downplaying everything, acting normal when things aren't normal.

 

She could have deleted fb messages and cleaned out the email too thinking she doesn't want to leave any paper trail. (well, computer trail).

[lolablue17]

About the panties...

 

Check it a few days in a row. Even cheaters don't have sex literally every day. so if you see the same phenomenon every day, it's probably not sex that cause that.

[PegNosePete]

The phone would seem to be the "smoking gun" in this case. She keeps her FB and email clean (or doesn't use them to chat with her OM) yet she keeps her phone very private. If I were you I'd make viewing that, priority number one. If it's protected by a keylock then find the code or pattern, either by watching her enter it or by "losing your phone" and asking to borrow hers to find it. Then when she leaves it unattended - in the shower or asleep - check it.

[smackie9]

I'm not quite sure what generated this but if it's the best you can do to help then maybe you'd like to rake you "support" elsewhere.

 

I love my wife dearly and have never had trust issues with her or in any other relationship.

 

I feel that there are some things here that don't add up. Yes, I am suspicious at the moment. I really hope that my suspicions are wrong, I really do. What if the worst happens? I will do everything I can to repair whatever is wrong that would make her do this.

 

 

OK then instead of letting posters fuel your suspicions, which is the majority of the posts, grow some and talk to her about it. Not accuse her, but have a very frank conversation about your marriage, about some of the changes in her behavior, etc. So far a lot of people are saying "Don't communicate" it will make it worse, you can't trust her.....you have no proof she is doing anything yet everyone is all over it saying most likely she is...I don't find any of that being SUPPORTIVE.

 

A relationship will never survive with out having open communication. Most of the time, getting it out in the open, and talking about it will give your relationship direction in a positive way, not in a negative way.

 

You should never be "afraid" to talk to your spouse. If you love her and are willing to do whatever it takes, then just talk to her.

[smackie9]

You cannot repair her, she has to repair herself.

 

If she is cheating, this is ALL ON HER, not you. Each of you are responsible for your part in the marriage, but with that said, it just takes one person to be selfish and forget the ring, forget the vows and go elsewhere.

 

 

A marriage is a partnership. It takes TWO to repair a relationship and it doesn't matter who is at fault. People cheat for different reasons, it's not all cut and dry "selfishness". A lot of things can come into play, like money issues, neglect, boredom, abuse, depression, acoholism, drug addiction, sex addition, mental illness, insecurity, low self esteem, etc. Cheating is a symptom not always the root of the issue. Yes it's not always about problems in the marriage, and yes it can be within the person themselves, but the majority of the time it's a combination of things that before they know it, they are caught up in something they can't get out of. I do not excuse cheating, it's wrong, but even good people find themselve in that situation. Every situation is different. People can rise above it, repair and move onto an even stronger marriage for it. The main reason why is they learn to communicate better with each other. Simple as that.

[Chemist]

A marriage is a partnership. It takes TWO to repair a relationship and it doesn't matter who is at fault. People cheat for different reasons, it's not all cut and dry "selfishness". A lot of things can come into play, like money issues, neglect, boredom, abuse, depression, acoholism, drug addiction, sex addition, mental illness, insecurity, low self esteem, etc. Cheating is a symptom not always the root of the issue. Yes it's not always about problems in the marriage, and yes it can be within the person themselves, but the majority of the time it's a combination of things that before they know it, they are caught up in something they can't get out of. I do not excuse cheating, it's wrong, but even good people find themselve in that situation. Every situation is different. People can rise above it, repair and move onto an even stronger marriage for it. The main reason why is they learn to communicate better with each other. Simple as that.

 

While I agree with you on the fact that there is no support here, OP frames it in a way that makes it look like he isn't just insecure, but rather has a strong hunch.

 

While I do not support lynching, I do support investigation.

 

I also support that when you find your answer, be it that she is, then you need to not just blame her for all of it. However, it was her that cheated, so don't just be a push over, or she will just do it again. You will really need to figure out what happened and see if you can rebuild the trust.

 

Smackie is a smart.. (girl?) but I still wouldn't be as forgiving in this matter. A relationship without trust is ****ed, and it seems you already are not trusting her so much.