How do I ask my wife if she's having an affair?

[Man Mountain Makino]

With regards to underwear, again I could see this two ways. She wears very figure hugging clothes and is one of those women who wears black undies under a white blouse. This means it can be seen.

 

She doesn't have to make excuses, bro. You make them for her.

[smackie9]

It says nothing. She can be cheating and still attracted to you.

 

The thing is - this bug is buzzing inside you brain. If you don't check and know the truth, you will not be able to continue living normally. So now it's about you, not her. Do everything it takes to kill that buzzing bug.

 

 

OR it's his imagination running wild over nothing.

 

Just maybe this is the attention she truly is angling for....from her own husband!

[smackie9]

Including underwear that a gal is wearing and references to banging the boss?

 

No, that is not appropriate or normal unless a person has invited that kind of conversation to happen.

 

Never in my 50+ years has a co worker talked about banging me or what underwear I wear, why? Because I didn't give off that idea that I would cheat... Or allow them to view my panties, bras I wore!

 

She gets those messages because she is participating on a level that makes it obvious she will be slutty at work.

 

 

If I had a spouse that got those messages it would be obvious that my spouse has crossed the line. Has no boundary. Willing to cheat.

 

I've seen my fair share of whale tails (G-strings) at work. Also we used to joke about how to get a raise, by wearing knee pads and a hard hat so we can protect ourselves from banging our head while we are under the boss's desk. (give him a BJ) It's said all in good humor.

[elaine567]

I think there is work environments and there are work environments, for some sexual innuendo amongst staff is subtle and for others it is blatant.

If her work environment is one of the subtle kind then the "banging the boss" comments may be meaningful in that she is indeed banging the boss and that was an in-joke, whereas in a bawdy work environment then to say "banging the boss" or other such remarks to anyone or anybody, may be meaningless and trivial.

 

You need to find out who this male friend is, banging the boss may be a code.

[HereNorThere]

Regardless of what you find out in this particular situation, your wife is a cheater. She's already admitted to the ONS and you readily rugswept that, but really, that should have been enough evidence for you.

 

Accept that your wife is this person, buy some condoms, move on with life. Don't you think it's the least bit pointless to try and prove your wife is a cheater when she has already admitted it to you?

 

You don't just change personality types overnight. If she had remarkably turned around, went to counseling, etc, etc, MAYBE give her another chance, but she didn't. She just went on being a cheater because thats what cheaters do.

 

Cheaters gonna cheat. Don't take it so personally because they cheat on everyone. They're broken inside and just because you don't understand it doesn't make it any less true.

[insert_name]

OR it's his imagination running wild over nothing.

 

Just maybe this is the attention she truly is angling for....from her own husband!

 

Im not saying shes having an affair but....if shes trying to seduce her husband by spending most of the day wearing hot underwear that her co-workers can see but her husband can't then all I can say is:

 

Seduction: You're doing it wrong.

[Friskyone4u]

While you are taking all time figuring out how to ask her nicely if she is cheating, she is having fun doing it.!at some point if you really want to know you'll take some action to snoop enough to find out. From your lack of the will to do anything about it my guess is you'll just put up with it and keep your head in the sand

[smackie9]

While you are taking all time figuring out how to ask her nicely if she is cheating, she is having fun doing it.!at some point if you really want to know you'll take some action to snoop enough to find out. From your lack of the will to do anything about it my guess is you'll just put up with it and keep your head in the sand

 

 

He already did and all he found was a few racy banters about banging the boss and a comment about how everyone can see her underwear. That's it.

 

He is having a friend to purchase a kit to test for sperm on her underwear. Prob will only find discharge and lotion.

[smackie9]

Im not saying shes having an affair but....if shes trying to seduce her husband by spending most of the day wearing hot underwear that her co-workers can see but her husband can't then all I can say is:

 

Seduction: You're doing it wrong.

 

It doesn't matter what you all think, it's a possibility. She might be feeling unappreciated, not getting romanced, etc so she gets her ego boost (which a lot of women will do) and take the attention from others to feel better about herself.

[thummper]

Is she really worth all the soul searching and agonizing you're doing right now? If you discover that she is having some kind of an affair at work, are you willing to forgive her? If the answers are "yes," then fight for her. At the very least, sit her down and demand to know what's going on; no excuses, no blaming! If she's not feeling it for you now and is having to seek out some kind of validation from other men, maybe it's time you both moved on. Just something to consider.

[smackie9]

Why predict when there is no proof? Lets get the hard cold facts first.....all this fuss is a waste of time. No action=0 results

[Chi townD]

Thanks for the thoughts. A lot to think about.

 

I've been thinking about the messages and it could be just flirty talk. To be honest it could be taken two ways. She's a flirty woman and always has been but that said, she does have a history.

 

With regards to underwear, again I could see this two ways. She wears very figure hugging clothes and is one of those women who wears black undies under a white blouse. This means it can be seen. Otherwise, she's giving peep shows.

 

I've asked a friend to order the semen testing kit. I would have done it but I don't want her to see it on my bank or card statements.

 

Finally, I did say to her this evening, "blimey you look sexy when you go to work", and it led to us having sex. Is that good or bad? I don't know. As for gut feeling, I don't know. I've always been relaxed and non possessive and sat here now, I dont know what my gut is telling me.

 

 

 

 

It's redirection. She's trying to shift your concerns from thinking that there something going on to making you feel desired and that those thoughts are stupid for you to have. It's like, " Nah, she's not cheating on me. Look what she's doing right now!" It's a way to pacify your concerns.

Edited December 1, 2014 by Chi townD

[Frogger]

I really don't understand posters like Smackie9, and how far out of the way they seem to go to defend or wave away blatantly bad behavior.

 

What this woman is doing, literally just what is affirmatively known (leaving aside what is unknown but very likely to be occurring), is way over the line.

 

Your spouse should not be receiving or sending messages regarding people in the office knowing what their underwear looks like or ****ing the boss. Joking or not. It is a terrible breach of dignity and boundaries. People who do not understand things like that are also unlikely to understand why actually ****ing the boss is wrong as well.

Edited December 1, 2014 by Frogger

[Chemist]

I would give more merit to Smackie's arguments had said partner in relationship has not already admitted to cheating before.

 

Once and forgiven, will she really not do it again?

 

You add to it the incredibly sexy lingerie, her wearing it to work, people at working knowing about it, and jokes about banging her boss... Sure, in some circles, this can be joking and others not. It really depends on what the SO feels is acceptable. Considering past behavior, I feel it is well within reason for him to be uncomfortable with this line of conversation.

 

Furthermore, there are things here that we do not know, I mean gut instincts are sometimes subconscious with unrealized sources. Plus, there are strange things, and I mean I don't want to be insensitive about someone's wife..

 

But...

Multiple people knowing about lingerie...

Frequent 'fluids'

Crass jokes...

Alleged porn participation...

 

Maybe she is a sex addict and wanted a normal life. Maybe she is a cheater, who knows. I think he has enough justification to really search. I would hire a PI on these grounds and if I couldn't afford it, I would be 'sick' for a week and follow her myself.

[petee]

I don't think this needs to continue, the OP has gone.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

I don't think this needs to continue, the OP has gone.

 

 

If so, then this has been a very anti-climatic thread. At least tell us everything is alright and she's not cheating. These boards could all use a happy ending.

[stillafool]

How do I ask my wife if she's having an affair?

 

 

 

Bascially you just come right out and ask her if she's having one. If you don't believe her after she tells you NO, then hire a private investigator to do your dirty work. If you don't believe the PI then just file for divorce.

[thummper]

C'mon, James. It's been three days since we've heard from you. What's going on?

[Trimmer]

Bascially you just come right out and ask her if she's having one. If you don't believe her after she tells you NO, then hire a private investigator to do your dirty work. If you don't believe the PI then just file for divorce.

Although realize that if you do it in that order, the fact that you asked her and tipped your hand is likely to make the PI's job that much harder, because she will start being more careful to cover her tracks. Just sayin'.

[James7]

Hello James,

 

I would like to go back to something you said in your earlier posts.

You stated that your wife had a one night stand but she immediately told you about it afterwards. That sentence makes me think that you thought it was no big deal because she told you herself that she screwed another man. If you went to you wife and said Honey I screwed a hot woman last night but give me credit I am telling you immediately now, how would your wife react to you?

 

I have a hunch that you simple rug swept it away by saying she told me soon after as if that made much of a difference. What were the consequences to this action? If there were none that your wife knows that there really are no consequences to her screwing other men anyway.

 

This is a big deal that she screwed another man while you are married to her.

Why do I get the feeling that seemed to be not a big deal to either one of you? What were her reasons for betraying your marriage this way?

 

Her blip was a drunken one night stand. I was furious and it took a while to recover. i know very well if I did the same she would hit the roof!

[James7]

Mate, it sounds like you're level heade and methodical. Excellent qualities.

Is your wife on the pill? If not I doubt she's daft enough to get semen near her crotch, that would be too silly. Surely she'd insist on a condom?

If she is on the pill, then there is a chance, and to be fair there's probably some sick people here wanting her to be involved in an affair.

 

give her time alone in the house, whilst a key logger does it's job. If you're in then she's probably unlikely to get at it.

I hate to say it, but your gut instinct is nearly always right. Nearly being the key word. I have heard of women that sleep with both their lovers and their husbands, so the fact she put out the other day could all be for you not to be suspicious. Just out of interest how would she feel if you started wearing the equivalent to work, smelling nice and being flirty with women at work? Just wondering.

Anyway, as a soft Brit, I just hope this has been an exercise in cluedo, and not the run up to a miserable Xmas......but as a species we just seem so good at destroying one another for little or no real gain. Good luck mate, I hope it works out.

She is on the pill.

[beach]

Have you tested her panties yet?

[James7]

I don't think this needs to continue, the OP has gone.

 

I'm still here. I don't get a lot of private time to come on here. Reading my way through the thoughts.

[Man Mountain Makino]

Have you tested her panties yet?

I love short and sweet posts like that!

[James7]

Have you tested her panties yet?

 

No. I'm not seeing my friend until later this week so hopefully he has managed to obtain the kit.

 

Having read a lot of the posts on here I'm not sure if all of you are getting the point:

 

Gut feeling - it's just not there for me at the moment. She is acting normally.

 

Our relationship and sex life remains good. We are best friends and that remains.

 

But, people are right - she does dress provocatively at work. Very. This may be my doing, I've always encouraged her to look her best.

 

Her affair - it wasn't affair. It was a drunken mistake and she was devistated by it.

 

However, the inuendo laden facebook messages continue and I note that today having checked her panties there was masses of creamy discharge both at the front and back inside the panties plus a small amount outside. It almost seems that it has come from both vagina and anus. But, I will not jump to conclusions until I have undertaken the test. That will be the proving evidence.