What made/would make, you tell the BS?

[Lovebug66]

Yes, it seems par for the course to portray OW or BS as mentally unstable...as if that makes having the affair somehow better.

 

I know it! In my case, I see it as a ploy to get us to hate each other because once we talked his lies fell like a pile of bricks. Pure self preservation.

 

My response to the looney bin statement was something like "oh great honey, I'm so glad you not only brought another woman into our marriage, but a crazy one at that. That makes me feel tons better!" Yeah, right! the things they think up are mind boggling

[gettingstronger]

My response to the looney bin statement was something like "oh great honey, I'm so glad you not only brought another woman into our marriage, but a crazy one at that. That makes me feel tons better!" Yeah, right! the things they think up are mind boggling

 

I would have said the same thing! He did not call her looney or anything like that, she proved that on her own later, but that is another story. I do so agree on the point that if my H portrayed her as some type of aggressor or freak I would have been pissed too-

[nightmare01]

He probably won't divorce me. Theres been enough talk of it I don't think he'd be surprised. He would know why I did this. He knows the options he presented me with in our marriage and how unreasonable they were.

 

I would immediately divorce him regardless....I'm not going through a reconciliation process for 2-5 years on a man who is lazy and thoughtless, and, on the odd occasion, verbally and emotionally abusive. Its like trying to do CPR on a corpse. I will move on.

 

I am still in the affair. Right now, it makes my life bearable. If I wasn't in it I would be divorcing.

 

I can't fault you for your decision to stay in a marriage that is less than what you had hoped for, because there are a lot of BH's out there that are doing the same thing. Staying for the sake of the kids is common.

 

Personally I think staying in the affair is a wrong thing to do. You may consider your BH abusive and that may well be a fact, but you are also abusing him by your actions with your OM.. and you're contributing to his abuse of his BW. BUT.. you know your situation best, so your choices are your choices.

[nightmare01]

HBIC and Goodbye both handled the situations in a way most BS would appreciate-I think that there comes a point where there is no other recourse but to tell-

 

I do believe in our situation that our OW felt she had no other choice- she could no longer put up with her end of the bargain, she could not walk away on her own, she could not make him hers so she played her hand- forcing a Dday- I don't blame her for tipping me off, I blame both of them for the A- her insane behavior after dday is 100% on her-

 

I do wish she was like HBIC and Goodbye where telling was the final farewell-that's probably the best outcome to a terrible situation that anyone could ask for-

 

Seems common. My WW tells me she tried to end the affair for awhile, but OM kept pulling her back in. (I don't buy the blaming OM for this) So in the end she confessed knowing that once that happened there would be no going back.

[Sassy Girl]

I can't fault you for your decision to stay in a marriage that is less than what you had hoped for, because there are a lot of BH's out there that are doing the same thing. Staying for the sake of the kids is common.

 

Personally I think staying in the affair is a wrong thing to do. You may consider your BH abusive and that may well be a fact, but you are also abusing him by your actions with your OM.. and you're contributing to his abuse of his BW. BUT.. you know your situation best, so your choices are your choices.

 

 

If its a choice between hurting my husband and hurting my children I will make the same choice every day. He has no hesitation hurting me.

[goodyblue]

Seems common. My WW tells me she tried to end the affair for awhile, but OM kept pulling her back in. (I don't buy the blaming OM for this) So in the end she confessed knowing that once that happened there would be no going back.

 

I am trying to figure out... if your ww said such horrible things about you, and was abusive, why you stayed?

[Goodbye]

I am trying to figure out... if your ww said such horrible things about you, and was abusive, why you stayed?

 

 

 

Curious about this one too. I don't understand staying in situations that seem to be pure drudgery.

[HermioneG]

Curious about this one too. I don't understand staying in situations that seem to be pure drudgery.

 

I would think that it falls the same category as why an affair partner, after watching what their "guy/girl" was capable of doing to their chosen spouse chooses to continue in a relationship with them.

 

Personal dynamics are tricky.

[Let It Go]

After reading a couple of threads on the subject I am curious about it.

 

 

My ex's secret girlfriend never told me herself per se, but a lot of other people in the know did.

 

 

So what did/would, be your reason as the affair partner for spilling the beans? Honestly...

 

Nothing. It's none of her business.

[HermioneG]

This story will make your hair stand on end. MMs 26 year old child came to ask me the truth as MM and BS would not talk about our six year affair to each other. We both ended up in tears. I felt really bad for her. Apparently, according to BS, her daughter told me BS said I was a crazy stalker even though I am very attractive and MM is no Steve McQueen. After that, I called him and told him I wanted to talk. He told his other daughter that he was going to the police about me (unfortunately she heard the call) (I found this out later). Anyway when I met him he was waiting for me. Apparently BS turned up at the police station without him lol. She wondered where he had got to. I do not know what he told her but i am guessing he told her I had got away. i did call her and tell her that I wasn't charged or questioned with anything but further than that it seems pointless. If you believe all that you are crazy yourself. And she had her daughter in the car when I passed. She actually took her 15 year old with her???

 

 

MM had told me years ago that his BS knew the truth and that he had discussed it with her. After three more years, I suspected he was just pretending to both of us.

 

I am very sad that this has ruined my life and I will never be the same.

 

You should adore and respect yourself enough to not let this ruin your life. You are alive. Put one foot in front of the other and make the decision to move forward and be happy. Good decisions can start today.

[thechild]

Originally, I did not plan on posting here as I am the adult child of a BS. But after reading some of these posts I think it's important for this to be said. This involves really touchy subjects, so reader be warned.

 

My mother had a rough childhood. She was raped at 14. My grandmother was a single mom of three kids and simply did not have the skills to cope with the situation, so my mom never got treatment for her ptsd. Her rapist was never prosecuted. Not unusually, my mom started acting out and putting herself in dangerous situations. She was raped again at 17. This time a pregnancy resulted from the rape. She carried my half brother to term and adopted him out. After she had my brother, she tried her hardest to turn her life around. She married my biological father at 20 years old. They had gone through a recovery program together and she trusted him. With her background, trust was not easily given. When I was less than a year old, she discovered that he had been sleeping with her best friend. She was devastated. She once told me that it felt like she had been raped a third time.

 

Let me repeat that. Her husband having sexual contact with another woman felt like being raped all over again.

 

She had worked so hard to build what she thought was a healthy relationship. She had identified the patterns of self destructive behaviors and ended them. But even after all that work, she still did not have complete control over who she came into sexual contact with. Her husband was inserting his penis into another woman, coming home, and then inserting his penis into her. She felt violated. And she was.

 

Never fool yourself into believing that your PA is none of the BS's business. It is very much her business. She is, for lack of a better term, having second-hand sexual contact with you without her consent. Do the right thing and at least let her make the choice for herself.

[nightmare01]

I am trying to figure out... if your ww said such horrible things about you, and was abusive, why you stayed?

 

Initially I stayed for my kids. I have daughters.. and I did not want to risk their lives by having another man around them. I see articles in the news all the time about a "boyfriend" sexually abusing, and physically abusing children.

 

After that I stayed because it would hurt ME more to leave. Why should I have to give up most of what I worked so hard for? Why should I have to send monthly payments for WW and another man to have fun with? Why should I be paying another man to abuse my kids?

 

My kids are grown now. So the reason I still stay is that things have gotten much better between my WW and I. As long as she honors my boundaries we will be fine. And she is honoring them, but if that changes I will be out of here in a heartbeat.

[the_artist_1970]

Well if you were having sex with someone's husband you were having sex with his wife. And I was not referring to the ow getting consent, she started a relationship knowing she was getting crumbs... That was enough for her. She was willing to be a secret so I didn't expect anything more than she did for herself. She didn't matter then and still doesn't. My whole point was there would be no reason for these boards if people behaved in a mature way. My husband wasn't a hostage, he could have walked at any moment.

 

Purple, you are never going to win this argument. There are some ppl in this world who only think about me, me, me, with no regard to others and no regard to marriage. This includes a cheating MM/MW and an OW/OM who knowingly cheats with a married person. I am just happy that I think about other ppl before I make decisions in life and I live by the golden rule (treat others how you want to be treated). Some ppl don't care and never will.

[meandmycats]

Originally, I did not plan on posting here as I am the adult child of a BS. But after reading some of these posts I think it's important for this to be said. This involves really touchy subjects, so reader be warned.

 

My mother had a rough childhood. She was raped at 14. My grandmother was a single mom of three kids and simply did not have the skills to cope with the situation, so my mom never got treatment for her ptsd. Her rapist was never prosecuted. Not unusually, my mom started acting out and putting herself in dangerous situations. She was raped again at 17. This time a pregnancy resulted from the rape. She carried my half brother to term and adopted him out. After she had my brother, she tried her hardest to turn her life around. She married my biological father at 20 years old. They had gone through a recovery program together and she trusted him. With her background, trust was not easily given. When I was less than a year old, she discovered that he had been sleeping with her best friend. She was devastated. She once told me that it felt like she had been raped a third time.

 

Let me repeat that. Her husband having sexual contact with another woman felt like being raped all over again.

 

She had worked so hard to build what she thought was a healthy relationship. She had identified the patterns of self destructive behaviors and ended them. But even after all that work, she still did not have complete control over who she came into sexual contact with. Her husband was inserting his penis into another woman, coming home, and then inserting his penis into her. She felt violated. And she was.

 

Never fool yourself into believing that your PA is none of the BS's business. It is very much her business. She is, for lack of a better term, having second-hand sexual contact with you without her consent. Do the right thing and at least let her make the choice for herself.

 

 

 

 

My Mum was 17 and a virgin when she was raped. She did well and recovered, turned it around and is in a position of ultimate trust in her job. She spends every day helping women who need it most. I understand what you're saying completely.

 

 

My parents are still together after his four year affair a long time ago, but it took YEARS, for Mum to trust him again. Dad's other woman did the usual stuff, threatening to tell. He and I really talked after it happened to me. My partner was having an affair at the time. Dad said he wished he'd had the guts to spill the beans himself.

[the_artist_1970]

Originally, I did not plan on posting here as I am the adult child of a BS. But after reading some of these posts I think it's important for this to be said. This involves really touchy subjects, so reader be warned.

 

My mother had a rough childhood. She was raped at 14. My grandmother was a single mom of three kids and simply did not have the skills to cope with the situation, so my mom never got treatment for her ptsd. Her rapist was never prosecuted. Not unusually, my mom started acting out and putting herself in dangerous situations. She was raped again at 17. This time a pregnancy resulted from the rape. She carried my half brother to term and adopted him out. After she had my brother, she tried her hardest to turn her life around. She married my biological father at 20 years old. They had gone through a recovery program together and she trusted him. With her background, trust was not easily given. When I was less than a year old, she discovered that he had been sleeping with her best friend. She was devastated. She once told me that it felt like she had been raped a third time.

 

Let me repeat that. Her husband having sexual contact with another woman felt like being raped all over again.

 

She had worked so hard to build what she thought was a healthy relationship. She had identified the patterns of self destructive behaviors and ended them. But even after all that work, she still did not have complete control over who she came into sexual contact with. Her husband was inserting his penis into another woman, coming home, and then inserting his penis into her. She felt violated. And she was.

 

Never fool yourself into believing that your PA is none of the BS's business. It is very much her business. She is, for lack of a better term, having second-hand sexual contact with you without her consent. Do the right thing and at least let her make the choice for herself.

 

This is a great post. I was raped a very long time ago and when I found out about my DH having an A, it felt EXACTLY like the rape. My DH sleeping with another woman is rape to me, in my mind. Thank you for this. I hope someone reads this and understand how some of us feel about having to sleep with someone who is sleeping with someone else.

[Lovebug66]

Originally, I did not plan on posting here as I am the adult child of a BS. But after reading some of these posts I think it's important for this to be said. This involves really touchy subjects, so reader be warned.

 

My mother had a rough childhood. She was raped at 14. My grandmother was a single mom of three kids and simply did not have the skills to cope with the situation, so my mom never got treatment for her ptsd. Her rapist was never prosecuted. Not unusually, my mom started acting out and putting herself in dangerous situations. She was raped again at 17. This time a pregnancy resulted from the rape. She carried my half brother to term and adopted him out. After she had my brother, she tried her hardest to turn her life around. She married my biological father at 20 years old. They had gone through a recovery program together and she trusted him. With her background, trust was not easily given. When I was less than a year old, she discovered that he had been sleeping with her best friend. She was devastated. She once told me that it felt like she had been raped a third time.

 

Let me repeat that. Her husband having sexual contact with another woman felt like being raped all over again.

 

She had worked so hard to build what she thought was a healthy relationship. She had identified the patterns of self destructive behaviors and ended them. But even after all that work, she still did not have complete control over who she came into sexual contact with. Her husband was inserting his penis into another woman, coming home, and then inserting his penis into her. She felt violated. And she was.

 

Never fool yourself into believing that your PA is none of the BS's business. It is very much her business. She is, for lack of a better term, having second-hand sexual contact with you without her consent. Do the right thing and at least let her make the choice for herself.

 

I will add to the choir, I felt the same. It is violation at the deepest level. The saddest part is the rapist was just some POS person, I thought I could trust that my husband wouldn't violate me like that

[HPrynne]

Question for those who say that discovering infidelity felt like rape - would it still have been the same level of violation in your heart/mind if (a) you had not had sex with your spouse for six months or a year before his/her affair started (and not because your spouse was rejecting you, but because of other marital issues, or neither party initiating); and (b) you continued to not have sex with your spouse all the way through the point at which you found out about the affair?

 

Basic gist of my question is whether the betrayal of the marriage produced the violating feeling of having been raped, or the fact that your spouse was having sex with you and someone else at the same time produced that feeling. If there was no sex happening between you and your spouse before and during the affair, would you feel the same? Or is it fundamentally about exposure to your spouse's other sexual partner(s)?

[DKT3]

Question for those who say that discovering infidelity felt like rape - would it still have been the same level of violation in your heart/mind if (a) you had not had sex with your spouse for six months or a year before his/her affair started (and not because your spouse was rejecting you, but because of other marital issues, or neither party initiating); and (b) you continued to not have sex with your spouse all the way through the point at which you found out about the affair?

 

Basic gist of my question is whether the betrayal of the marriage produced the violating feeling of having been raped, or the fact that your spouse was having sex with you and someone else at the same time produced that feeling. If there was no sex happening between you and your spouse before and during the affair, would you feel the same? Or is it fundamentally about exposure to your spouse's other sexual partner(s)?

 

For me it was never about the sex. I can't say it felt like rape, I've never been down that road. It was a feeling of everything I knew about her or we had was a lie. I questioned everything over the preceding 20 years or so. "Are they my kids" "is this the first time" "WHO is this woman" its like having your life ripped away from you. That goes far beyond sex.

[goodyblue]

Initially I stayed for my kids. I have daughters.. and I did not want to risk their lives by having another man around them. I see articles in the news all the time about a "boyfriend" sexually abusing, and physically abusing children.

 

After that I stayed because it would hurt ME more to leave. Why should I have to give up most of what I worked so hard for? Why should I have to send monthly payments for WW and another man to have fun with? Why should I be paying another man to abuse my kids?

 

My kids are grown now. So the reason I still stay is that things have gotten much better between my WW and I. As long as she honors my boundaries we will be fine. And she is honoring them, but if that changes I will be out of here in a heartbeat.

 

You know, when i tell people here my guy stayed for his only daughter all i get is how be should have left and taken her.

 

I give you kudos for just living your truth, whatever that is for you.

[cocorico]

Never fool yourself into believing that your PA is none of the BS's business. It is very much her business. She is, for lack of a better term, having second-hand sexual contact with you without her consent. Do the right thing and at least let her make the choice for herself.

 

Only if she is having sexual contact with the MM. In many As there is, and has been, no sexual contact between the spouses for some time - which may have been a contributing factor toward vulnerability to an A.

[meandmycats]

Only if she is having sexual contact with the MM. In many As there is, and has been, no sexual contact between the spouses for some time - which may have been a contributing factor toward vulnerability to an A.

 

 

 

Oh come on, that might be seen trivialising what those posters feel.

 

There is no justification for that kind of flippancy.

 

 

The consequences of spilling the beans are bad enough for all involved, however it happens, but your assumptions are merely that.

[waterwoman]

I have fortunately never been raped. So I can't compare. But the rape comparison seems apt as far as I can tell to the way I felt after dday. Such an utter betrayal by the man who had always had my back, and vice versa. A violation of my sense of security, self-esteem, trust. Nothing to do with sex, nothing at all.

[the_artist_1970]

Question for those who say that discovering infidelity felt like rape - would it still have been the same level of violation in your heart/mind if (a) you had not had sex with your spouse for six months or a year before his/her affair started (and not because your spouse was rejecting you, but because of other marital issues, or neither party initiating); and (b) you continued to not have sex with your spouse all the way through the point at which you found out about the affair?

 

Basic gist of my question is whether the betrayal of the marriage produced the violating feeling of having been raped, or the fact that your spouse was having sex with you and someone else at the same time produced that feeling. If there was no sex happening between you and your spouse before and during the affair, would you feel the same? Or is it fundamentally about exposure to your spouse's other sexual partner(s)?

 

My DH were having a wonderful s*x life throughout his A. We always have. For me, it was the fact that he was having s*x with someone else while we were well engaged. The thought of sleeping with him and doing really intimate things with him while he was doing it with someone else makes me vomit. It is grotesque on so many levels to me. I wouldn't knowingly let him touch me had I known.

[Quiet Storm]

Never fool yourself into believing that your PA is none of the BS's business. It is very much her business. She is, for lack of a better term, having second-hand sexual contact with you without her consent. Do the right thing and at least let her make the choice for herself.

 

 

I liked your post and very much agree with this, but most OW will feel that this doesn't apply in their situation. Many OW really believe MM is not having sex with his wife. So from their perspective, BS is no longer attracted to or interested in sex with MM, or MM is no longer attracted to and interested in sex with his wife- so no need to worry about STDs. OW don't always consider this stuff because they really believe it is a non-issue. (I'm not saying OW should believe the MM, but in most cases, she does believe him regardless).

 

The "in love" affair feelings and the oxytocin from the sex, usually create such a bonded feeling, especially on OW's part, that she cannot imagine him sharing this kind of connection with his wife, or another other woman. It's just unfathomable in her eyes that he could say the things he says and share such an amazing physical attraction with her, and simultaneously want sex with his wife or other women. This is why it is so devastating to OW when she eventually sees the truth.

 

An OW has to really be able to see MM for the person that he really is- in most cases a very flawed man with emotional & character issues- in order to consider the impact his actions are having on everyone, including herself. The reality is that the affair feelings, the connectedness and his sad story ALL influence her feelings towards him, and her ability to believe that what he says is true.

 

If MM were to tell OW up front, "I like my life with my wife, I just want to enhance my current life with more & different women", then most OW, especially single OW, would say "I'm not up for that. See ya!!!". But most MM will give them a sad story, build a friendship complete with talks & shared feelings, and then it "progresses" to a full blown affair complete with romance & love talk. MM doesn't tell OW that even if his feelings for her are genuine, those feelings will never be enough to prompt change. Again, I'm not trying to justify OW's faith in MM, I'm just trying to illustrate how OW gets to the point where BS's feelings are disregarded. Because while there are a few OW that admit to not giving a crap how their actions affect others, most OW do have a conscience.

 

This is why it is SO very important to have boundaries and not even get close to a MM. No flirting, no friendships, nothing. We are responsible for protecting our own emotional wellbeing, and it's not too smart to put your heart on the line for a married guy. Because once emotions are involved, logic often gets buried under all the feelings. And serious issues like health concerns and potential harm to others gets excused away or justified.

 

I'm not saying that the affair isn't BS's business- it certainly is- I am just trying to illustrate the mindset that many OW are in. Although many OW are certainly naïve and too trusting, most OW aren't delusionally pulling these ideas out the air that MM isn't having sex with his wife and that the marriage is dead. MM told them, or is perfectly content to let OW keep assuming that.

 

Again, I am not defending an OW's choice not to tell, I believe they should. I can just see how they get to the point where their loyalty erroneously lies with MM.

[meandmycats]

I liked your post and very much agree with this, but most OW will feel that this doesn't apply in their situation. Many OW really believe MM is not having sex with his wife. So from their perspective, BS is no longer attracted to or interested in sex with MM, or MM is no longer attracted to and interested in sex with his wife- so no need to worry about STDs. OW don't always consider this stuff because they really believe it is a non-issue. (I'm not saying OW should believe the MM, but in most cases, she does believe him regardless).

 

The "in love" affair feelings and the oxytocin from the sex, usually create such a bonded feeling, especially on OW's part, that she cannot imagine him sharing this kind of connection with his wife, or another other woman. It's just unfathomable in her eyes that he could say the things he says and share such an amazing physical attraction with her, and simultaneously want sex with his wife or other women. This is why it is so devastating to OW when she eventually sees the truth.

 

An OW has to really be able to see MM for the person that he really is- in most cases a very flawed man with emotional & character issues- in order to consider the impact his actions are having on everyone, including herself. The reality is that the affair feelings, the connectedness and his sad story ALL influence her feelings towards him, and her ability to believe that what he says is true.

 

If MM were to tell OW up front, "I like my life with my wife, I just want to enhance my current life with more & different women", then most OW, especially single OW, would say "I'm not up for that. See ya!!!". But most MM will give them a sad story, build a friendship complete with talks & shared feelings, and then it "progresses" to a full blown affair complete with romance & love talk. MM doesn't tell OW that even if his feelings for her are genuine, those feelings will never be enough to prompt change. Again, I'm not trying to justify OW's faith in MM, I'm just trying to illustrate how OW gets to the point where BS's feelings are disregarded. Because while there are a few OW that admit to not giving a crap how their actions affect others, most OW do have a conscience.

 

This is why it is SO very important to have boundaries and not even get close to a MM. No flirting, no friendships, nothing. We are responsible for protecting our own emotional wellbeing, and it's not too smart to put your heart on the line for a married guy. Because once emotions are involved, logic often gets buried under all the feelings. And serious issues like health concerns and potential harm to others gets excused away or justified.

 

I'm not saying that the affair isn't BS's business- it certainly is- I am just trying to illustrate the mindset that many OW are in. Although many OW are certainly naïve and too trusting, most OW aren't delusionally pulling these ideas out the air that MM isn't having sex with his wife and that the marriage is dead. MM told them, or is perfectly content to let OW keep assuming that.

 

Again, I am not defending an OW's choice not to tell, I believe they should. I can just see how they get to the point where their loyalty erroneously lies with MM.

 

 

 

 

Great insight quietstorm, and very sensitively written.

 

 

Much of which some might not have considered, so thankyou.