What made/would make, you tell the BS?

[Quiet Storm]

I understand why you say this but I think it is a fine line not worth crossing. Who is it to dictate what an authentic life is and what that means? You are going in with the assumption that everyone has the same idea of what an authentic life means AND that they want to live that way. You don't know their situation or if they have an idea and want to avoid, prefer to be blissfully happy in their ignorance or if they do want to know. It's presumptuous to assume they want to know.

 

It makes me think of other arguments such as the abortion argument. We want to fight for the right of an unborn child because wouldn't that unborn child want a chance at life and to make decisions themselves? Who are we to decide? BUT is it really our place at all?

 

I think BS should be provided that information, so that they have the opportunity to decide what to do about it.

 

I think authentic is pretty universally defined, and I feel that most people do not want to live a lie.

 

If the BS wishes to be in denial, then they can simply discard the information just like they normally would. People that choose to be in the dark about things have all sorts of defense mechanisms that they use to avoid the truth. A BS like this can write the OW off as crazy or as someone trying to start trouble. Just because someone tells BS, doesn't mean the BS has to believe it. BS can still decide the information has no merit and remain in denial. Someone that chooses to live in denial like this usually has lots of practice denying harsh truths, so this will just be one more circumstance that can be explained away, ignored or minimized.

 

But the majority of BS do not want to live a lie. They want the opportunity to make choices about their life that are based in reality. Maybe BS will want to divorce, maybe BS will want marriage counseling, maybe BS will do nothing, maybe BS will tell MM that she wants an open marriage. Regardless, she will have the opportunity to decide how to handle it, and that's what matters.

[Lovebug66]

I'm a BS who found out on her own, but I certainly would have liked to have known before that no matter who it was from, OW included.

 

I emailed back and forth with the OW a few times about 6 weeks after Dday, it wasn't angry on either of our parts. I reached out to her for a couple of reasons, one, I knew I wasn't being told the whole truth, two, from what my WH had told me, I felt there were a lot of things she deserved to know too. I wasn't the only one being lied to. I'm not trying to act self righteous, I contacted mostly for my own selfish reasons, but my tipping point for why I ultimately did was because I thought it would be good for her too and maybe bring both of us a little bit of closure.

 

I know it's not exactly the same, but I just don't think people in general do many things just for the benefit of someone else without any pay off for themselves. There is always a pay off, even if it is just feeling good that you did the right thing. I think that is just human nature.

 

So why, when an OW is in love and enjoying their affair, suddenly decide gee, the wife really deserves to know? It's not going to happen. Once things blow up or they are tired of it just being an A, there is motivation now. It's just the nature of the beast. For that reason, I really don't care what the "motivation" is, I just think telling is the right thing to do. Of course, doing it with kindness can go a really, really long way.

 

I know this is slightly off topic, but I just don't understand why the BS and OW look at each other as mortal enemies when it's the WH doing the majority of the damage. I mean, I do, the reason is pretty obvious, but if you look a little deeper, both were lied to, strung along, manipulated etc. Both parties should be happy to really know the truth, and you are only going to get it from each other. I will step down from my kumbaya soap box now tho

[SusiePie]

I

 

If the BS wishes to be in denial, then they can simply discard the information just like they normally would. People that choose to be in the dark about things have all sorts of defense mechanisms that they use to avoid the truth. A BS like this can write the OW off as crazy or as someone trying to start trouble. Just because someone tells BS, doesn't mean the BS has to believe it. BS can still decide the information has no merit and remain in denial. Someone that chooses to live in denial like this usually has lots of practice denying harsh truths, so this will just be one more circumstance that can be explained away, ignored or minimized.

 

 

That is smart and I didnt think of that. Mainly because I would never drop a bomb on someone that wasnt true.

 

I bet many WS do that - deflect blame and clam up - only to blame it on the "crazy person".

[purplesorrow]

I'm a BS who found out on her own, but I certainly would have liked to have known before that no matter who it was from, OW included.

 

I emailed back and forth with the OW a few times about 6 weeks after Dday, it wasn't angry on either of our parts. I reached out to her for a couple of reasons, one, I knew I wasn't being told the whole truth, two, from what my WH had told me, I felt there were a lot of things she deserved to know too. I wasn't the only one being lied to. I'm not trying to act self righteous, I contacted mostly for my own selfish reasons, but my tipping point for why I ultimately did was because I thought it would be good for her too and maybe bring both of us a little bit of closure.

 

I know it's not exactly the same, but I just don't think people in general do many things just for the benefit of someone else without any pay off for themselves. There is always a pay off, even if it is just feeling good that you did the right thing. I think that is just human nature.

 

So why, when an OW is in love and enjoying their affair, suddenly decide gee, the wife really deserves to know? It's not going to happen. Once things blow up or they are tired of it just being an A, there is motivation now. It's just the nature of the beast. For that reason, I really don't care what the "motivation" is, I just think telling is the right thing to do. Of course, doing it with kindness can go a really, really long way.

 

I know this is slightly off topic, but I just don't understand why the BS and OW look at each other as mortal enemies when it's the WH doing the majority of the damage. I mean, I do, the reason is pretty obvious, but if you look a little deeper, both were lied to, strung along, manipulated etc. Both parties should be happy to really know the truth, and you are only going to get it from each other. I will step down from my kumbaya soap box now tho

 

So I was supposed to believe the ow? She knew I was being deceived from day one and didn't give a hoot. Probably thumped her chest and had a laugh or two. They were both liars. She helped deceive me and I should have relied on her for answers? Twilight zone for sure. But to each his own, everyone's situation is different.

[FusionCutter]

I feel like why someone tells doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. The end result is the same; the truth is out there and now the BS isn't living in the dark. A courtesy MM and OW never paid her before.

 

It's like, if you have a neighbor you hate whose house is on fire, telling them so would be the "right thing" to do. Even though you loathe them and were only telling them because you wanted to see their devastation as their home burned to the ground.

 

 

 

I...WHAT!? Wow, yeah I wholeheartedly disagree. Those kinds of statements never made sense to me. I'm actually incredulous. You played a major role. If it's not - at least partially - "your mess" then whose is it?

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

I think the majority of the reason that OM/OW Want to leave but have such a hard time leaving is because they feel responsible for the other person. The only person that should be responsible for their marriage are the people involved in that marriage.

 

Butt out and stay out! If people minded their own business affairs wouldn't happen. OM/OW greatly disrespect themselves as well as the BS. The only way that they can fix that is to stop their bad behavior. By furthering penetrating the marriage by getting involved and telling, that is only doing more damage.

 

It's a touchy subject worthy of debate. Some point people have to face up to the music of what they did. I think personally it's a win/win for the OM/OW to walk away and never look back. There's a lot of pain within the pages of this forum. OM/OW can make great strides to heal themselves by realizing that any further involvement damages everything. Stop obsessing about other peoples problems and trying to fix them. If their marriage is in shambles it doesn't matter just leave it. It's not good enough that they're unhappy. That's just justifying bad behavior. Stay out of people's lives that's the best way they can honor themselves and the BS. How is the OW/OM responsible for the BS?

 

OM and OW they need to realize that they need to fix themselves and not worry about other peoples problems. That's how they can move on from their pain, and not obsess further.

 

 

In time the truth usually always come out anyway. We leave people to deal with their problems so that we can deal with our own. What a beautiful concept.

Edited October 31, 2014 by FusionCutter

[Lovebug66]

So I was supposed to believe the ow? She knew I was being deceived from day one and didn't give a hoot. Probably thumped her chest and had a laugh or two. They were both liars. She helped deceive me and I should have relied on her for answers? Twilight zone for sure. But to each his own, everyone's situation is different.

 

Oh no, I'm not saying you should have believed her by any means. I think I am really fortunate (and that it is pretty rare) that the OW in my case was willing to talk the truth with me. And of course she didn't tell the whole truth either, but we both got a much better picture of the situation. If you are dealing with a bunny boiler you aren't going to get anywhere for sure.

 

All I'm saying is I reached out and was kind, she was also in return, and I think that could happen a lot more often. If she would have given me attitude, I would have told her to go fly a kite . It was worth the effort in my case tho and I was just throwing it out there that sometimes we can learn a lot from each other. Key word sometimes

[purplesorrow]

Oh no, I'm not saying you should have believed her by any means. I think I am really fortunate (and that it is pretty rare) that the OW in my case was willing to talk the truth with me. And of course she didn't tell the whole truth either, but we both got a much better picture of the situation. If you are dealing with a bunny boiler you aren't going to get anywhere for sure.

 

All I'm saying is I reached out and was kind, she was also in return, and I think that could happen a lot more often. If she would have given me attitude, I would have told her to go fly a kite . It was worth the effort in my case tho and I was just throwing it out there that sometimes we can learn a lot from each other. Key word sometimes

 

I was kind. She just gave me the story she and my WH had created. I already knew it wasn't true when she was telling me. She called again a month later to apologize for her part in the affair but didn't bother to correct the lies. Glad your experience was better.

[still_an_Angel]

I have no plans of telling MM's W. Primary reason is to protect my kids and MM's child who is a special needs child so we both prioritize that. I have suspected for some time now that his W is aware of my existence but she has not ever confronted MM. This for me shows how disconnected they are from each other that she doesn't care, as long as the family image is intact and her life goes on like it does now. I can count the number of times she has demanded that MM stay with her on our day (I strongly believe she knows which is our day) and I would make excuses why I can't see him on our day when I believe he needs to stay home for one reason or another.

 

I avoid his W like the plague however if she decides she wants to talk to me, I will be civil. I don't see this happening as she could have done this long ago. She has dropped him hints like finding long strands of black hair in his clothes (mine) or scents in his car or clothes (mine) but never pursued the issue.

 

This is our situation, although I believe that letting the BS know is the right and fair thing to do but the BS in my case prefers to look the other way.

[Lovebug66]

I was kind. She just gave me the story she and my WH had created. I already knew it wasn't true when she was telling me. She called again a month later to apologize for her part in the affair but didn't bother to correct the lies. Glad your experience was better.

 

You sure seem like a kind woman from you posts, and I have no doubt you were kind . I was fortunate too that they never really put a story together so there was nothing to stick to. They were really smart I definitely get not feeling like it was much of an apology if she didn't ever come out with the truth. BTDT I certainly didn't get *everything* I hoped I might by talking to the OW, but I don't regret it. I can see why you might. It depends on each situation.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I would have LOVED for the OM in our situation to tell me his R with my WW was none of my business.

 

I actually think I said something along those lines at some point to my AP's wife. It was complicated, but it was at a point where he was trying to get out and she wanted the gory details. He tipped me to some weird things she had said, so when she came to me demanding answers, I gave her nothing and said it wasn't something I was going to share.

Edited November 1, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress

[AlwaysGrowing]

I have no plans of telling MM's W. Primary reason is to protect my kids and MM's child who is a special needs child so we both prioritize that. I have suspected for some time now that his W is aware of my existence but she has not ever confronted MM. This for me shows how disconnected they are from each other that she doesn't care, as long as the family image is intact and her life goes on like it does now. I can count the number of times she has demanded that MM stay with her on our day (I strongly believe she knows which is our day) and I would make excuses why I can't see him on our day when I believe he needs to stay home for one reason or another.

 

I avoid his W like the plague however if she decides she wants to talk to me, I will be civil. I don't see this happening as she could have done this long ago. She has dropped him hints like finding long strands of black hair in his clothes (mine) or scents in his car or clothes (mine) but never pursued the issue.

 

This is our situation, although I believe that letting the BS know is the right and fair thing to do but the BS in my case prefers to look the other way.

 

Your conclusion may or may not be true.

 

It is common for there to be a truth bias skewed in favour of the WS.

Almost everyone who marries has trust..a great deal of trust in their spouse. We (general) just don't stop to see if what the WS is saying/doing makes sense or is truthful as they were already deemed truthful for the relationship to progress to marriage.

 

Short of clearly stating...I am having an affair...no one can state what the BS knows/not knows.

[awkward]

For those in the do not tell camp. Would you tell if your brother or sister was being cheated on? Here is a harder one. What if your daughter or son was being cheated on? Would you walk away and say it isn't my place to tell?

 

If your daughter was being cheated on, would you feel bad for the OW? Would you feel bad for you poor, poor son in law who is just so mistreated and doesn't know how to get out of his terrible marriage? Would the affair effect your grandchildren?

[awkward]

I have suspected for some time now that his W is aware of my existence but she has not ever confronted MM. This for me shows how disconnected they are from each other that she doesn't care, as long as the family image is intact and her life goes on like it does now. I can count the number of times she has demanded that MM stay with her on our day (I strongly believe she knows which is our day) and I would make excuses why I can't see him on our day when I believe he needs to stay home for one reason or another.

 

 

If she knows and doesn't care, then he doesn't need to hide you. That is if she really doesn't care.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

What would have made me tell the BS? Nothing. His R with her was between them, just as my R with him was none of her business.

 

 

 

Wait... what??

 

 

Hahaha....Soooo, if your now husband takes up another girlfriend, that relationship would be none of YOUR business right? Right???

 

 

Yah. Didn't think so.

Edited November 1, 2014 by ThatsJustHowIRoll

[Redheaded Mistress]

For those in the do not tell camp. Would you tell if your brother or sister was being cheated on?

 

Probably not unless I had solid, 100% proof or it could be proven that I knew about it. Otherwise, no.

 

Here is a harder one. What if your daughter or son was being cheated on? Would you walk away and say it isn't my place to tell?

 

Probably, unless the situation above occurred.

 

If your daughter was being cheated on, would you feel bad for the OW?

 

I'd feel bad for all involved, OW included.

 

Would you feel bad for you poor, poor son in law who is just so mistreated and doesn't know how to get out of his terrible marriage?

 

If she is mistreating him and he felt trapped, then yes.

 

In fact, when my MM's wife's parents found out, her mother flipped and became as much a loose cannon as her daughter. Her father didn't. He met with my MM and said "I never did understand why you married her." Even her looney mother conceeded that they were unhappy and he had said he wanted out but was always dragged back in by her behavior. When my MM's wife had one of her many freak-outs, he screamed at her for what she was doing, not us. In the many times I've met him over the years, he has been nothing but nice. He even contracted me for some work and refers to me as "your mom" to the kids. In everything, I think he saw the affair and the marriage for what it was and was ready for whatever catalyst that finally got things settled. After so much time telling her "you're ruining your marriage," he knew a breaking point was a "when" not an "if."

 

Most parents love their children, but that love doesn't make them blind to reality.

 

Would the affair effect your grandchildren?

 

Depends on how it's handled. It doesn't have to.

[Nattie]

I would never tell her, the only thing that would make me WANT to, is if I found out he was getting around all over the place and I was one of many OW, but I still wouldn't. That would be intentionally pushing my grief onto someone else, just for my own satisfaction. In the end, walking away (somewhat unscathed) and letting him self destruct on his own would be my method.

[jellybean89]

Why would anyone expect a cheater to willingly tell their spouse they were cheating? Most cheaters do their best to minimize the affair, blame the affair partner or out and out lie about the affair. Of course an OW feels it isn't her place to tell, just like she feels her affair is not the wife's business. Tons of delusion all the way around. A MM admitting an affair lol. Got any buckets of gold for me too?

[cocorico]

Wait... what??

 

 

Hahaha....Soooo, if your now husband takes up another girlfriend, that relationship would be none of YOUR business right? Right???

 

Correct.

 

The fact that our M had collapsed to the point that he felt he needed to seek love elsewhere would be my business, but if it had gotten that bad without me noticing, then I would have to live with the consequences of my own lack of interest.

 

But his R with her would certainly be their business, not mine.

 

 

Yah. Didn't think so.

 

Wrong. Sorry.

[cocorico]

Why would anyone expect a cheater to willingly tell their spouse they were cheating? Most cheaters do their best to minimize the affair, blame the affair partner or out and out lie about the affair. Of course an OW feels it isn't her place to tell, just like she feels her affair is not the wife's business. Tons of delusion all the way around. A MM admitting an affair lol. Got any buckets of gold for me too?

 

Actually my H did tell his xW he was having an A.

 

Not immediately, but at the point it was serious, and we decided we wanted to be together. She laughed in his face and chose not to believe him; after all, "who would want him?"

[cocorico]

For those in the do not tell camp. Would you tell if your brother or sister was being cheated on? Here is a harder one. What if your daughter or son was being cheated on? Would you walk away and say it isn't my place to tell?

 

If your daughter was being cheated on, would you feel bad for the OW? Would you feel bad for you poor, poor son in law who is just so mistreated and doesn't know how to get out of his terrible marriage? Would the affair effect your grandchildren?

 

I trust my kids to run their Rs their own way. They're free to ask my advice, or assistance, but I don't stick my nose in where it's not wanted. They are adults with free choice.

[Quiet Storm]

When secrets are OK, when lies are justified, when you wouldn't even tell your own daughter that her husband might be cheating...it's not surprising that infidelity trickles down through generations.

 

I would feel so betrayed if my mom suspected my husband was cheating and didn't tell me. I would never do that to my daughter. I love her and don't want her to be hurt, and my loyalty to her would be so much stronger than any feelings of "minding my own business".

[HermioneG]

I have told other people when I knew their spouse was cheating. I have zero problem with it. I will do it again in the future, if the situation arises.

 

I would do it for anyone I cared about in my life. I think it is important to know the truth of one's life, especially when the deception is occurring on a personal level to the degree that an affair does.

 

For the record- my inlaws knew and did not tell me. They have never apologized. And they watched me be traumatized and get sick with stress. Our relationshil will never be the same. Ever.

[cocorico]

When secrets are OK, when lies are justified, when you wouldn't even tell your own daughter that her husband might be cheating...it's not surprising that infidelity trickles down through generations.

 

I would feel so betrayed if my mom suspected my husband was cheating and didn't tell me. I would never do that to my daughter. I love her and don't want her to be hurt, and my loyalty to her would be so much stronger than any feelings of "minding my own business".

 

Different strokes for different folks. If my parent / sibling told me they thought my H was "cheating" I would tell them to mind their own business.

 

My kids know I am there for them. They also know that I trust them to live their lives by their own values, and that I won't meddle - so if they want my input, they ask.

[Lady2163]

To answer the original question, I had several relationships wth older married men from age 16-23. I never told their wives. I suppose pregnancy would have made me tell if he wouldn't, but that never happened.

 

Then I went 20+ years without getting involved with married men. Then I had a seven year friendship with one of the married men from my past. We are still friends, LC only.

 

Not sure if anything would get me to tell the wife.

 

My life is none of her business. My actions are none of her business. I probably would be very reticent to answer questions from her about our friendship.

 

Yes, having a sexual friendship with someome who is married is very wrong. But I still get to choose who I open up to and give information to. I didn't take the wedding vows.

[MuddyRock]

Correct.

 

The fact that our M had collapsed to the point that he felt he needed to seek love elsewhere would be my business, but if it had gotten that bad without me noticing, then I would have to live with the consequences of my own lack of interest.

 

But his R with her would certainly be their business, not mine.

 

 

 

 

Wrong. Sorry.

 

You realize that a lot of BROKEN people will cheat just for an ego boost, not because anything is wrong with the marriage, right? And that cheating is never the answer and wrong, right? You realize that they are free to divorce first right? Me thinks you need to really think about your moral code if this is something you really believe.