What made/would make, you tell the BS?

[Redheaded Mistress]

....nope, didn't make any sense that time either.

I'm saying affair behavior has no place in a society where everyone treats others as they themselves would wish to be treated. If you disagree, that's fine, I hope your particular society supports that. I'm enjoying mine right here

 

"Treat others as you want to be treated" is exactly why I don't tell. I don't expect others to tell me, so they shouldn't expect me to tell them.

[SusiePie]

I have been on both sides of this. The OW that contacted me did so out of her own hurt. My H would never have had another affair regardless of whether I found out or not and so she imploded my world and caused deep wounds that never healed. I would rather have not known.

 

As an exOW myself I would not tell purely because of that. I've read this thread with huge interest and it's sparked some debate in my own mind BUT I keep coming pack to my own experience as a BS and that will always stop me from telling her. If she found out and contacted me, would I apologize. Absolutely. I'm walking away quietly for MY sanity. Not because I don't live with the consequence of having done the "wrong" thing in having an affair.

 

The more I read this thread, I can see strong arguments from both sides though.

 

Good post. This was my thought on it - that it could destroy someone. Even if they live in denial too, that is their choice if they want to continue that way "untouched" by affairs.

 

if he were giving out STDs though, I don't know what I would do.

 

I am relieved the BS in my A found out without me directly involved. She actually approached me and started it with "I am not mad at you, he cheated before," etc.

 

Your last line especially rings true - I see both sides. I personally know though if I told BS it would be for selfish reasons. If we are so worried about the "right thing" why aren't we telling while we are IN the affair and enjoying it? Seems to happen when we are hurt by the MM, no?

[jellybean89]

As I have see all too often on here, people seem to think the Other should never again have any form of happiness and should be punished for the rest of their lives. The bias often seems to be the Other is evil and the sweet cheating spouse was seduced by a skilled manipulator.

 

You do realize I'm an ex-OW, in comfortable limited communication with no face-to-face contact?

 

I haven't ever seen a post on LS where people think an OW/OM/MW/MM should never again have any form of happiness and should be punished for the rest of their lives. I do see posts that discuss that there are consequences for poor decisions, bad behaviors, just like in non affair situations. I think you issued a sweeping generalization that has no foundation of accuracy.

 

I do believe a BS should be told of an affair. It's common courtesy and could potentially save a life. Heck, a BS could have an STD that the cheater passes onto the AP. Wouldn't the AP want to know if they have been exposed to something? Wouldn't an AP want to know if the BS has a history of violent behavior? Sadly, it seems the only time an AP wants to tell the BS is when the AP has been dumped or has discovered they have been lied to or their cheating partner has an additional AP. I think I have seen maybe a handful of instances where an AP has told a BS without an ulterior motive (such as wanting the cheaters world to implode or wanting to stick it to either the cheater or the BS).

[Lovebug66]

Redhead,

 

I didn't want to quote your whole post as it was lengthy. I'm not talking about someone who is slightly involved in their lives or is just going on gossip. There are people on this thread who say it is butting in when it is your child or close friend. I don't get that at all. If I saw my son's wife out with another man darn straight I would tell him. I'd venture to say he'd be pretty mad with me if I didn't. I know I would be if it were my parents. I don't see that as butting in, I see that as giving crucial information about their life to someone I love dearly. If it was a friend of a friend of a friend spreading gossip they heard from their friend of a friend, I'm not going to track them down and stick my nose in. Big difference to me, to some on here, apparently not.

 

On other threads I will see them say how the BS must know, or they are dumb if they don't, on they are just sticking their head in the sand, yet if they got the same information, it seems they would act the same way but they wouldn't be dumb, they just don't want to deal with people butting into their business. I still don't understand that.

 

I was cheated on when I was really young after a few years of dating with someone I had always suspected but got the just friends line. I came to find out lots of my friends knew and didn't tell me cause they "didn't want to hurt me". Well, I was already being hurt. I knew but had no evidence and just one of those people telling me would have saved me from prolonging that hurt I was already going thru. How I saw it then, and still now really, was that they weren't very good friends. They were siding with him by keeping quiet. I didn't care whose side they took, but it really ticked me off that after I found out that they were suddenly on my side. They loved me so much, what a jerk he was, I could count on them for anything. Really?!? Where was that for the last six months?!? You knew I was suspicious, you knew he was cheating yet you fed me the lines he wanted you to. That tells me where your loyalty lies and don't try to BS me that you were really just looking out for me. JMHO.

[Redheaded Mistress]

There are people on this thread who say it is butting in when it is your child or close friend. I don't get that at all. If I saw my son's wife out with another man darn straight I would tell him. I'd venture to say he'd be pretty mad with me if I didn't. I know I would be if it were my parents. I don't see that as butting in, I see that as giving crucial information about their life to someone I love dearly. If it was a friend of a friend of a friend spreading gossip they heard from their friend of a friend, I'm not going to track them down and stick my nose in. Big difference to me, to some on here, apparently not.

 

I'm not about to risk my child's marriage because I saw their spouse "out with" another person. Who knows why they're out with that person? I don't. The last thing I need to do is tell my that I saw them "out with" somebody and that must mean an affair.

 

If my child comes to me and says "mom, I think my spouse is cheating on me," then we'll deal with it. But no way on this planet am I going to make it seem like I spy on my kids, their spouses, gossip about them, or jump to assuming the worst about them and their marriage dynamics. My kids, I'm assuming if they're married, their adults. They don't need me to watch them like a hawk anymore. I raised them like I raise them, I'm there when they say they need me, but I'm not third-wheeling and babysitting their marriage. And if "Mom, I think my spouse is cheating on me" comes with a request that I spy, fish, or try to determine if they are, they get a hug, they get my sympathy, and they get a firm "no."

 

If their spouse is or isn't cheating, if it does or doesn't impact their marriage if they are or aren't, that's something they've got to deal with alone. I want to be their mother, not their monster... They need to make the decisions about trusting their spouse and how to conduct their marriage on their own. I'll support them in whatever they decide, but I'm not going to be the one who sways that for them one way or the other.

 

On other threads I will see them say how the BS must know, or they are dumb if they don't, on they are just sticking their head in the sand, yet if they got the same information, it seems they would act the same way but they wouldn't be dumb, they just don't want to deal with people butting into their business. I still don't understand that.

 

I don't blame any BS for not going on the gossip or rumors of what a friend or family member says what is or isn't going on their marriage. It makes sense to me. Who wants to be humiliated like that by a nosy person who clearly has no regard for your marriage?

 

I'm firmly in the "everybody mind your own business" club. If the BS knows and they don't want to deal with it, if they want to look the other way, if they want to put their foot down and say "them or me," all of that is up to them. Your marriage, your problem, your choice. Do what works.

 

I was cheated on when I was really young after a few years of dating with someone I had always suspected but got the just friends line. I came to find out lots of my friends knew and didn't tell me cause they "didn't want to hurt me". Well, I was already being hurt. I knew but had no evidence and just one of those people telling me would have saved me from prolonging that hurt I was already going thru. How I saw it then, and still now really, was that they weren't very good friends. They were siding with him by keeping quiet. I didn't care whose side they took, but it really ticked me off that after I found out that they were suddenly on my side. They loved me so much, what a jerk he was, I could count on them for anything. Really?!? Where was that for the last six months?!? You knew I was suspicious, you knew he was cheating yet you fed me the lines he wanted you to. That tells me where your loyalty lies and don't try to BS me that you were really just looking out for me. JMHO.

 

 

But it's not up to your friends to save you from your relationships. You had the suspicions something was off and you weren't happy, yet ultimately it was your choice to stay. It's not fair to say that the prolonged hurt was because your friends didn't tell you... The prolonged hurt was because you said you'd put up with a relationship that was making you unhappy because you suspected lines were being crossed. Other people don't give you permission to feel justified in your feelings or suspicions. It's up to you to say that even though you can't prove there's something inappropriate going on, what's going on is making you uncomfortable and either it changes or you leave.

 

I dated a guy when I was 18 for about 9, 10 months. About 6 months in, he went from being Mr. Attentive, to Mr. Absent. We essentially lived together and I worked 3pm-11pm. When I was off, he was home with me all evening. When I was working, I'd come home at 11pm and he was nowhere to be found, even on weekdays. He was at a club, he was at a restaurant, he'd be home soon, oh wait somebody he knew came in so he's going to be a few minutes longer, now he's too drunk to drive somebody has to drive him home, whoops nobody can drive him home so he crashed at a buddy's house, he got a ride from the sister of a friend and he doesn't even know her, he's going to Denny's to sober up with "some people"... I totally thought he was cheating, he of course denied it. After a month, I said "this isn't acceptable, it needs to change, you're acting shady." He was fine for a couple weeks, then... Back at it again one night a week. Then 2-3 times, then 5 nights. I said "you're at it again, I don't trust you, this is shady," and he didn't change his behavior. So, I came home from work to an empty house, grabbed my stuff, and moved back to my place... And I left a note saying "I can't prove it, but I think you're cheating. Either way, you're doing stuff I said didn't work for me. I'm out."

 

Afterwards, that's when everybody spilled that he was out with girls every night, he was cheating with a woman who went on to be the mother of his kids (and the woman he screwed around on too), he was messing around with a girl who considered herself my friend. He said needed to get it out of his system because he was going to settle down with me eventually, that he didn't like the hours I worked or my job because I made more than him and I needed to learn how much I needed him... Crazy things.

 

I didn't blame his friends for not telling me or the people I knew for not telling me. I didn't blame anybody for not telling me. It's not their problem. I'm the one who defines the parameters of my relationship. I didn't wait for people to give me ammunition to prove that I could break up with him for cheating. I said "you're acting like you're cheating and I don't trust you," gave him a chance to fix it, then I exited. If he was or wasn't really cheating, it didn't matter. What mattered is that what he was doing made me not trust him and he didn't fix it. If I stayed, it wasn't other people's fault for telling me he was a doink. It is my fault for thinking even though he's a doink who's making me unhappy but that I had to stay.

 

My destiny is not up to other people. You shouldn't leave it up to other people either. Demand honesty from the person you choose to make vows with, make a commitment to. Don't expect other people to save you from your own choices.

[Lady2163]

We are Kind of spinning "what ifs" here, but there were a couple do things I wanted to add.

 

1) I'm in a small town. If I was married, chances are I'd know if he was seen in public with some other woman.

2). If my mother saw him out to lunch with someone, she'd probably stop by the table to say hello. She would speak to him as would most of my family if they saw him out.

3) if I thought my husband or boyfriend was cheating, my close friends would probably know I had suspicions. If I found out later they knew after I voiced my concerns, I probably wouldn't consider them a good friend anymore.

4). If I caught a close friends spouse, I don't know what I'd do. Just wanted to say that.

[Lovebug66]

I'm not about to risk my child's marriage because I saw their spouse "out with" another person. Who knows why they're out with that person? I don't. The last thing I need to do is tell my that I saw them "out with" somebody and that must mean an affair.

Of course just "being out" with someone doesn't constitute an affair. I think you took my words to literally. There are plenty of things you can see that would constitute an affair, like kissing, or holding hands. And how uncomfortable she is when she saw me. That would be a big clue if we have never had any problems.

 

If my child comes to me and says "mom, I think my spouse is cheating on me," then we'll deal with it. But no way on this planet am I going to make it seem like I spy on my kids, their spouses, gossip about them, or jump to assuming the worst about them and their marriage dynamics. My kids, I'm assuming if they're married, their adults. They don't need me to watch them like a hawk anymore. I raised them like I raise them, I'm there when they say they need me, but I'm not third-wheeling and babysitting their marriage. And if "Mom, I think my spouse is cheating on me" comes with a request that I spy, fish, or try to determine if they are, they get a hug, they get my sympathy, and they get a firm "no."

I didn't say this at all, but I think you misunderstood the first part of what I was saying and that is why you came to that conclusion. No way would I police my son's marriage. If I happen to see something very wrong tho (like the above examples), I would feel obligated to say what I saw. It is his to deal with from there. I'm not going to tell him what to do, and I'm not going to ask later what he has done about it. It's his business. I'm just giving him a fact that I saw with my own two eyes, and what he chooses to do with that is up to him.

 

If their spouse is or isn't cheating, if it does or doesn't impact their marriage if they are or aren't, that's something they've got to deal with alone. I want to be their mother, not their monster... They need to make the decisions about trusting their spouse and how to conduct their marriage on their own. I'll support them in whatever they decide, but I'm not going to be the one who sways that for them one way or the other.

Once again, I would not be trying to sway any kind of decision. Just giving a fact.

 

 

I don't blame any BS for not going on the gossip or rumors of what a friend or family member says what is or isn't going on their marriage. It makes sense to me. Who wants to be humiliated like that by a nosy person who clearly has no regard for your marriage?

 

I'm firmly in the "everybody mind your own business" club. If the BS knows and they don't want to deal with it, if they want to look the other way, if they want to put their foot down and say "them or me," all of that is up to them. Your marriage, your problem, your choice. Do what works.

I wasn't referring to you as I have never seen you do that. But others do.

 

 

 

But it's not up to your friends to save you from your relationships. You had the suspicions something was off and you weren't happy, yet ultimately it was your choice to stay. It's not fair to say that the prolonged hurt was because your friends didn't tell you... The prolonged hurt was because you said you'd put up with a relationship that was making you unhappy because you suspected lines were being crossed. Other people don't give you permission to feel justified in your feelings or suspicions. It's up to you to say that even though you can't prove there's something inappropriate going on, what's going on is making you uncomfortable and either it changes or you leave.

 

I dated a guy when I was 18 for about 9, 10 months. About 6 months in, he went from being Mr. Attentive, to Mr. Absent. We essentially lived together and I worked 3pm-11pm. When I was off, he was home with me all evening. When I was working, I'd come home at 11pm and he was nowhere to be found, even on weekdays. He was at a club, he was at a restaurant, he'd be home soon, oh wait somebody he knew came in so he's going to be a few minutes longer, now he's too drunk to drive somebody has to drive him home, whoops nobody can drive him home so he crashed at a buddy's house, he got a ride from the sister of a friend and he doesn't even know her, he's going to Denny's to sober up with "some people"... I totally thought he was cheating, he of course denied it. After a month, I said "this isn't acceptable, it needs to change, you're acting shady." He was fine for a couple weeks, then... Back at it again one night a week. Then 2-3 times, then 5 nights. I said "you're at it again, I don't trust you, this is shady," and he didn't change his behavior. So, I came home from work to an empty house, grabbed my stuff, and moved back to my place... And I left a note saying "I can't prove it, but I think you're cheating. Either way, you're doing stuff I said didn't work for me. I'm out."

 

Afterwards, that's when everybody spilled that he was out with girls every night, he was cheating with a woman who went on to be the mother of his kids (and the woman he screwed around on too), he was messing around with a girl who considered herself my friend. He said needed to get it out of his system because he was going to settle down with me eventually, that he didn't like the hours I worked or my job because I made more than him and I needed to learn how much I needed him... Crazy things.

 

I didn't blame his friends for not telling me or the people I knew for not telling me. I didn't blame anybody for not telling me. It's not their problem. I'm the one who defines the parameters of my relationship. I didn't wait for people to give me ammunition to prove that I could break up with him for cheating. I said "you're acting like you're cheating and I don't trust you," gave him a chance to fix it, then I exited. If he was or wasn't really cheating, it didn't matter. What mattered is that what he was doing made me not trust him and he didn't fix it. If I stayed, it wasn't other people's fault for telling me he was a doink. It is my fault for thinking even though he's a doink who's making me unhappy but that I had to stay.

 

My destiny is not up to other people. You shouldn't leave it up to other people either. Demand honesty from the person you choose to make vows with, make a commitment to. Don't expect other people to save you from your own choices.

 

I absolutely know it was not anyone else's job to save me from that relationship. I think it is very different when you come to them with concerns and they lie and tell you not to worry about it when they know different. I would kind of expect that from aquaintances, not people that claim to be your close friend. Like I said, I don't care whose "side" they were on, it is the double talk afterwards. I'd totally respect someone saying I just didn't think it was my business. I can understand that.

 

Thanks for your story. You sound like a much stronger woman than I was when I was that age. I was in my first relationship. I was raised in a very unstable home. I was never good enough for anyone. I was bullied constantly from the time I was 10 years old. I was raped at 16. So yeah, I wasn't a healthy person, and I allowed someone to walk all over me cause they said they loved me so much and could never live without me. I had never felt loved in my life. So sue me for falling for all his BS. People who grow up like I did don't understand the difference between manipulation, co dependency and love and fall for the ones who know how to wrangle us in.

 

I am doing just fine now, thank you. I actively work a 12 step program and I take complete responsibility for my life. As part of that program I don't dish out advice to people either, I share my experience, I lend an ear and I pray for you to find your own solution that brings you peace. The only time I speak up is to say "what have you done special for yourself today?" Or "what was your part?" Also as a part of that program, I find it my job not to withhold, or lie by omission, factual information from someone I love. A good amount of people in my program have had their lives devistated from secrets and gaslighting and that is something I will not do. So that's where I'm coming from. We have obviously had very different lives and that probably makes for our difference of opinion.

[Lovebug66]

I just wanted to add...

 

That relationship of mine was very abusive. Looking back, the cheating was just a small part of what made it so toxic. But as a naive young woman with no example of what healthy was I couldn't fully recognize the abuse. The cheating was something tangible, that I could understand. I was told for a few months I was stupid and crazy by him to think he might be cheating. When I finally worked up the nerve to say something isn't right here to people I trusted, I was told I was crazy by them too, even tho they knew I wasn't. Being a woman of poor self esteem, I believed everyone that I was crazy, jealous, stupid, ungrateful, etc and it in fact made those feelings worse. Now it wasn't just my abuser saying those things, people were backing him up, so obviously I am all to blame. That is how an abused woman's mind works. Just one person saying, you aren't crazy, I saw them kissing, might have given me the strength I needed. No, it's not their responsibility, but having been that abused woman who finally did have someone listen to her, I do find it my responsibility to pay that forward.

[Miss Clavel]

 

 

My WH's exOW called me during their A (out of the blue) she actually told me that their relationship was none of my business, her quote was "Our relationship is not your problem" - I never got that?

 

i get it. she's saying you and your husband have a lot of problems and that's why she gets to f your husband.

 

"you're boring, you're old, you don't "love" him/he doesn't love you, you don't understand him, you're not exciting anymore, you give all your love to the children"...you know, those problems.

[Miss Clavel]

the time to phone up the married person and tell them about the affair is before anyone takes their clothes off.

 

 

 

how simple life would be if my OW had called me and told me she met my husband and he said we were separated.

 

it seems incredible to me that any woman worth her salt would not contact the wife before getting "down" with a MM?

 

but after the affair, the wife NEEDS to know??

 

to me, if he stayed with his wife, then everyone shut up. if he left his wife, she already knows.

 

if the OW had got the facts FIRST, she would have saved everyone, a boat load of PAIN.

[cocorico]

it seems incredible to me that any woman worth her salt would not contact the wife before getting "down" with a MM?

 

Why? Available is as available does.

 

If he says he's available, acts available, makes himself available - he's available, whether his BW knows it or not.

[cocorico]

No, I don't misunderstand. The only two people in our marriage were me and my stbxh. He had an agreement with me, for that to change, all parties must agree or consent. I didn't consent for him to put my mind body and soul at risk to have sex with someone else.

 

I wasn't having sex with you, so I didn't require your consent. I was having sex with him, so required his consent, and his only.

[purplesorrow]

I wasn't having sex with you, so I didn't require your consent. I was having sex with him, so required his consent, and his only.

 

Well if you were having sex with someone's husband you were having sex with his wife. And I was not referring to the ow getting consent, she started a relationship knowing she was getting crumbs... That was enough for her. She was willing to be a secret so I didn't expect anything more than she did for herself. She didn't matter then and still doesn't. My whole point was there would be no reason for these boards if people behaved in a mature way. My husband wasn't a hostage, he could have walked at any moment.

[cocorico]

Well if you were having sex with someone's husband you were having sex with his wife.

 

No, and neither was he. Good thing, really, as she's not my type at all....

 

And I was not referring to the ow getting consent, she started a relationship knowing she was getting crumbs... That was enough for her. She was willing to be a secret so I didn't expect anything more than she did for herself.

 

That wasn't our situation at all, so I can't comment.

 

She didn't matter then and still doesn't. My whole point was there would be no reason for these boards if people behaved in a mature way. My husband wasn't a hostage, he could have walked at any moment.

 

Perhaps he considered himself a hostage?

 

My H certainly did feel trapped - he felt he was stuck in the M until the kids were old enough to be able to face another separation. As it turns out, that was sooner than he'd dreaded, so not too much time wasted.

 

But if the premise was "if people behaved in a mature way", well, then, things would have been very different.

 

1) his xW would not have M her first husband, because she'd have acknowledged she was too broken to be in a R.

2) she would not have cheated on him to escape the M

3) she would not have picked on a school kid to cheat on him with

4) she would not have emotionally manipulated the school kid into becoming her carer

5) she would not have abused him over decades, grooming him into co-narcissism, and she would not have refused IC and MC

6) she would never have had kids, or used them to trap him

7) she would not have attacked him physically in front of the kids before storming out, traumatising them deeply.

8) she would not have traumatised the kids further during the separation by acting as she did

9) she would not have begged him to take her back, making many hollow promises of change, counselling, etc that she had no intention of keeping

10) she would not have resumed her abusive behaviour, and she would have kept her promises.

11) he would have kicked her out, taken charge of his and the kids' lives, and he would not have sought refuge in an A.

12) she would not have behaved as she has post-D.

 

Yes. A very different world. There would be no war, no famine, no religious oppression, no gender-based violence - no violence at all, really... But probably also less creativity, less fun and certainly less alcohol

[purplesorrow]

No, and neither was he. Good thing, really, as she's not my type at all....

 

 

 

That wasn't our situation at all, so I can't comment.

 

 

 

Perhaps he considered himself a hostage?

 

My H certainly did feel trapped - he felt he was stuck in the M until the kids were old enough to be able to face another separation. As it turns out, that was sooner than he'd dreaded, so not too much time wasted.

 

But if the premise was "if people behaved in a mature way", well, then, things would have been very different.

 

1) his xW would not have M her first husband, because she'd have acknowledged she was too broken to be in a R.

2) she would not have cheated on him to escape the M

3) she would not have picked on a school kid to cheat on him with

4) she would not have emotionally manipulated the school kid into becoming her carer

5) she would not have abused him over decades, grooming him into co-narcissism, and she would not have refused IC and MC

6) she would never have had kids, or used them to trap him

7) she would not have attacked him physically in front of the kids before storming out, traumatising them deeply.

8) she would not have traumatised the kids further during the separation by acting as she did

9) she would not have begged him to take her back, making many hollow promises of change, counselling, etc that she had no intention of keeping

10) she would not have resumed her abusive behaviour, and she would have kept her promises.

11) he would have kicked her out, taken charge of his and the kids' lives, and he would not have sought refuge in an A.

12) she would not have behaved as she has post-D.

 

Yes. A very different world. There would be no war, no famine, no religious oppression, no gender-based violence - no violence at all, really... But probably also less creativity, less fun and certainly less alcohol

 

Why are you debating your own quote? You're the one who said. And if he was a hostage, I find it so strange he's fighting so hard to get back into captivity!? No need to respond, we will never agree.

[cocorico]

Why are you debating your own quote? You're the one who said.

 

It was a response to your premise, about "if everyone acted in a mature way". I was pointing out that that doesn't start at the point of the A, but way before, when the stage is set for what ultimately leads to an A.

 

And if he was a hostage, I find it so strange he's fighting so hard to get back into captivity!?

 

Stockholm Syndrome.

[purplesorrow]

It was a response to your premise, about "if everyone acted in a mature way". I was pointing out that that doesn't start at the point of the A, but way before, when the stage is set for what ultimately leads to an A.

 

 

 

Stockholm Syndrome.

 

You would know.... You did 'rescue' one after all. Peace

[gettingstronger]

I'm unclear why so many threads seem to be jacked by those that need to justify their affairs, why theirs are different and why we are subjected to post after post of a few particular peoples justification- isn't that what therapy is for-its just not relevant to this post-

 

The thread is what made you or would make you tell the BS- we can discuss the motivations behind why people tell but in the end I think its just that OW ( or OM, but I don't see them on this thread) breaks-they hit their breaking point- that breaking point looks different for each person but I think that is what it boils down to-there comes a point for some that telling is what they need to do-for the right or wrong reasons, it does not matter-it just becomes a decision they make-

 

What I "think" the OP is asking is- what was your breaking point or what would be your breaking point-

 

I think there would be a lot of lessons in that for those struggling with it-

[meandmycats]

My ex partner's other woman said that she wanted her to leave me, and repeatedly asked her to, then got fed up with waiting I suppose.

 

 

As I said before, a lot of other people knew and told me, but I faced it and dealt with it when I was ready, and not before.

 

 

The sh*t hit the fan and my ex has regretted it ever since. Too bad she had to be such a w*nker in the first place.

Edited November 3, 2014 by meandmycats

[Miss Clavel]

Why? Available is as available does.

 

If he says he's available, acts available, makes himself available - he's available, whether his BW knows it or not.

 

i got that. what about the soon to become OW? let her make up her mind with all the info, beforehand.

 

i've seen so much pain poasted by OW when the MM stays with his wife, leaves his wife but doesn't commit to the OW. on and on.

 

and i think if an "available" man has legal obligations to someone else, he's not "available". he's got debts, both monetary and moral.

 

and i sure don't want to get with anyone that's got a mountain of debt, a bunch of rug rats and a bitch ass wife that's got both the checkbook and the kids in her pocket.

[HBIC]

In one of my posts I gave a list of reasons why I told the BS, but the biggest motivations were:

The fact that exMM was gaslighting the hell out of his BS. I felt it was incredibly cruel to her.

I also wanted off the roller coaster ride. ExMM had threatened me that if I told his W, his pursuit of me would cease. I was hoping that was the case.

 

HA! Even that turned out to be a lie.

 

I've seen lots of folks post on here about how the motivations of the OW typically include revenge. That the OW, after being rejected by MM, tells the BS in hopes of destroying their marriage/family. Hmm. Well, I was not rejected by my exMM. At the time I told his BS, we had several upcoming trips together, plans to meet not to have sex but just enjoy each other's company, etc. I was in pain but very much in love with him.

 

As a sort of epilogue to this tale, during one of my VLC moments with exMM after disclosure to his BS and the end of our A, he STILL insisted that, during the A, he hadn't future faked about planning to leave. And he thanked me for being good to him while we were together.

 

Whatever.

 

 

I am many months out of the situation and SOOOOOO glad I made the choices I did. Now I can look at myself in the mirror without being disappointed in the person I see.

 

Whether someone decides to tell the BS or not, ending the A (although very difficult) IS always the right thing to do. Let him get a divorce and come to you as an available man if you are soulmates.

[Miss Clavel]

but in the end I think its just that OW ( or OM, but I don't see them on this thread) breaks-they hit their breaking point- that breaking point looks different for each person but I think that is what it boils down to-there comes a point for some that telling is what they need to do-for the right or wrong reasons, it does not matter-it just becomes a decision they make-

 

that's my sticking point in this whole mess. it's always about what the cheaters, NEED.

 

their needs come first, before their vows, before their children, before their families.

 

everyone around a cheater has to give up what they have so the cheater can get what they NEED.

 

i stand by my poast, call the wife, ask to see proof of a separation being legally filed or a pending divorce.

 

you are possiabley about to share a penis with this woman. don't you need to know her sexual history? aren't you sleeping with her too?

 

and god help me, everyone she slept with, in her entire life?

[Miss Clavel]

In one of my posts I gave a list of reasons why I told the BS, but the biggest motivations were:

The fact that exMM was gaslighting the hell out of his BS. I felt it was incredibly cruel to her.

I also wanted off the roller coaster ride. ExMM had threatened me that if I told his W, his pursuit of me would cease. I was hoping that was the case.

 

HA! Even that turned out to be a lie.

 

I've seen lots of folks post on here about how the motivations of the OW typically include revenge. That the OW, after being rejected by MM, tells the BS in hopes of destroying their marriage/family. Hmm. Well, I was not rejected by my exMM. At the time I told his BS, we had several upcoming trips together, plans to meet not to have sex but just enjoy each other's company, etc. I was in pain but very much in love with him.

 

As a sort of epilogue to this tale, during one of my VLC moments with exMM after disclosure to his BS and the end of our A, he STILL insisted that, during the A, he hadn't future faked about planning to leave. And he thanked me for being good to him while we were together.

 

Whatever.

 

 

I am many months out of the situation and SOOOOOO glad I made the choices I did. Now I can look at myself in the mirror without being disappointed in the person I see.

 

Whether someone decides to tell the BS or not, ending the A (although very difficult) IS always the right thing to do. Let him get a divorce and come to you as an available man if you are soulmates.

 

i kept everything in my divorce except my ex's dick. he took that down the road and we're all fine with it now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Lovebug66]

In one of my posts I gave a list of reasons why I told the BS, but the biggest motivations were:

The fact that exMM was gaslighting the hell out of his BS. I felt it was incredibly cruel to her.

I also wanted off the roller coaster ride. ExMM had threatened me that if I told his W, his pursuit of me would cease. I was hoping that was the case.

 

HA! Even that turned out to be a lie.

 

I've seen lots of folks post on here about how the motivations of the OW typically include revenge. That the OW, after being rejected by MM, tells the BS in hopes of destroying their marriage/family. Hmm. Well, I was not rejected by my exMM. At the time I told his BS, we had several upcoming trips together, plans to meet not to have sex but just enjoy each other's company, etc. I was in pain but very much in love with him.

 

As a sort of epilogue to this tale, during one of my VLC moments with exMM after disclosure to his BS and the end of our A, he STILL insisted that, during the A, he hadn't future faked about planning to leave. And he thanked me for being good to him while we were together.

 

Whatever.

 

 

I am many months out of the situation and SOOOOOO glad I made the choices I did. Now I can look at myself in the mirror without being disappointed in the person I see.

 

Whether someone decides to tell the BS or not, ending the A (although very difficult) IS always the right thing to do. Let him get a divorce and come to you as an available man if you are soulmates.

 

I like what you said here HBIC. It sounds like you had your moment of clarity. I certainly don't think all OW only tell to take revenge. You admit there was something in it for you too, hopefully getting him to leave you alone, and that's fine too. I'm not Mother Theresa and I don't expect anyone else to be either

 

I appreciate your candor about being in such pain but still loving him. I know the feeling. It is a huge process to break out of a bad relationship and can be extremely confusing. Especially when that person you love knows how to play on that confusion and adds to the crazy making already going on in your head. I am glad you have gotten to where you are today and you should be proud of yourself

[nightmare01]

Not telling is a lie of omission. By lying you are being a part of the deception. Being a part of the deception makes you at least partly responsible for the consequences.

 

If I were to find out that a "friend" had known of my WW's LTA but decided not to tell me because it was none of his business.. at the least that person would not be a friend any longer.. and would likely become an enemy of mine.

 

As far as the OP apologizing to the BS - I think it would take some courage to do that, but if the OP has any backbone or conscience I feel an apology should be offered. Yeah it would be a hard thing to do, but again if the OP has any empathy or sympathy for what they put the BS through, then it should be done.

 

Of course if a person has no sympathy, empathy, conscience, or backbone - we're talking about a sociopath / narcissist.. and I wouldn't expect an apology from someone like that.