What made/would make, you tell the BS?

[purplesorrow]

To answer the original question, I had several relationships wth older married men from age 16-23. I never told their wives. I suppose pregnancy would have made me tell if he wouldn't, but that never happened.

 

Then I went 20+ years without getting involved with married men. Then I had a seven year friendship with one of the married men from my past. We are still friends, LC only.

 

Not sure if anything would get me to tell the wife.

 

My life is none of her business. My actions are none of her business. I probably would be very reticent to answer questions from her about our friendship.

 

Yes, having a sexual friendship with someome who is married is very wrong. But I still get to choose who I open up to and give information to. I didn't take the wedding vows.

 

Sounds a lot like the ow my h cheated with. She didn't mind doing any of it, none of my business. But she begged me to show her kindness and not expose her after dday. Smh, I will never understand.

[CrystalCastles]

This for me shows how disconnected they are from each other that she doesn't care

 

Or she could just be in denial. It can't be an easy pill to swallow when the person you married, the person you love and trust, is betraying and lying to you in the worst possible way. To know that everything you know is on the verge of being shattered is a very difficult concept to face.

[nightmare01]

An opinion of a BH here.

 

As an AP you had a hand in inflicting pain on the BS. You knew of him/her and did what you did anyway. As such you are in part responsible for the outcome - the pain, loss of esteem, the deep wound that the betrayed spouse suffers. You own part of that.

 

You can walk away pretending to wipe your hands clean of all the consequences because you never made vows to them. But in truth we live in a civilized community. If you steal from someone you have taken something from them even if they don't know. And even if they don't know, you have committed a crime. In a human community we owe each other proper conduct that keeps our community civilized.

 

I think that as a human being we need to take responsibility for our actions. In this case, I think you owe the BS an apology... and the BS deserves to know what is the truth of the life they are living - being betrayed by an affair steals our life from us. Lies (even those by omission) take from us our ability to make good choices about our life because we don't have all the facts.

 

By keeping those secrets you contribute to any future pain of not only the affair you were in with their WS, but also any future pain from a future affair.

 

You also owe the BS a apology for what you did.. not that your apology will likely be accepted, but I feel it still needs to be made.

[AlwaysGrowing]

It depends on ones moral code.

 

For myself, once I knew...my silence would be condoning the behaviour/act.

 

Through-out the history of man...there are those that look away....and those that speak up.

 

We get to chose which we would rather be.

 

Personally, I would take it as a huge personal failure as a mother to not protect my childs emotional/mental/physical safety because I feared being called a buttinski.

 

And in regard to other family and friends etc....it is not my place to assist you in deceiving another. If that is what they expect...it speaks to how selfish they are in their relationship with me.

Edited November 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed off topic quoted material

[HermioneG]

It depends on ones moral code.

 

For myself, once I knew...my silence would be condoning the behaviour/act.

 

Through-out the history of man...there are those that look away....and those that speak up.

 

We get to chose which we would rather be.

 

Personally, I would take it as a huge personal failure as a mother to not protect my childs emotional/mental/physical safety because I feared being called a buttinski.

 

And in regard to other family and friends etc....it is not my place to assist you in deceiving another. If that is what they expect...it speaks to how selfish they are in their relationship with me.

 

Exactly. That is exactly how I see it.

 

I am not a neighborhood buttinsky. The word makes me giggle, but probably because it's not a word I'd use. I don't live a dishonest life, so if people want to talk about my activities? They are welcome to it. If there are people who makes choices that harm others? They made that choice. It's not my responsibility to help them keep a secret.

 

I am an honest person, and I expect others to live honestly. If you do a bad deed in front of other people? And someone like me tells? That's action meeting a consequence. I have no obligation to help assist someone is deceiving another person or harming a family. None.

[spookysonata]

Love it.

 

Being part of a society is a privilege. If you want that privilege, act from a baseline of common decency. In other words, don't be an @$$hole and then flounce off claiming it's "not your responsibility'.

[Decisiontomake]

An opinion of a BH here.

 

As an AP you had a hand in inflicting pain on the BS. You knew of him/her and did what you did anyway. As such you are in part responsible for the outcome - the pain, loss of esteem, the deep wound that the betrayed spouse suffers. You own part of that.

 

You can walk away pretending to wipe your hands clean of all the consequences because you never made vows to them. But in truth we live in a civilized community. If you steal from someone you have taken something from them even if they don't know. And even if they don't know, you have committed a crime. In a human community we owe each other proper conduct that keeps our community civilized.

 

I think that as a human being we need to take responsibility for our actions. In this case, I think you owe the BS an apology... and the BS deserves to know what is the truth of the life they are living - being betrayed by an affair steals our life from us. Lies (even those by omission) take from us our ability to make good choices about our life because we don't have all the facts.

 

By keeping those secrets you contribute to any future pain of not only the affair you were in with their WS, but also any future pain from a future affair.

 

You also owe the BS a apology for what you did.. not that your apology will likely be accepted, but I feel it still needs to be made.

 

I have been on both sides of this. The OW that contacted me did so out of her own hurt. My H would never have had another affair regardless of whether I found out or not and so she imploded my world and caused deep wounds that never healed. I would rather have not known.

 

As an exOW myself I would not tell purely because of that. I've read this thread with huge interest and it's sparked some debate in my own mind BUT I keep coming pack to my own experience as a BS and that will always stop me from telling her. If she found out and contacted me, would I apologize. Absolutely. I'm walking away quietly for MY sanity. Not because I don't live with the consequence of having done the "wrong" thing in having an affair.

 

The more I read this thread, I can see strong arguments from both sides though.

[goodyblue]

Exactly. That is exactly how I see it.

 

I am not a neighborhood buttinsky. The word makes me giggle, but probably because it's not a word I'd use. I don't live a dishonest life, so if people want to talk about my activities? They are welcome to it. If there are people who makes choices that harm others? They made that choice. It's not my responsibility to help them keep a secret.

 

I am an honest person, and I expect others to live honestly. If you do a bad deed in front of other people? And someone like me tells? That's action meeting a consequence. I have no obligation to help assist someone is deceiving another person or harming a family. None.

 

I am an honest person as well. Doesn't mean i get up in other people's shiz. And when people get up in mine it pisses me off.

[truncated]

If you are an ow, and you found out that you'd caught an std from your mm, would you tell his wife then?

[gettingstronger]

For our OW, I think she just broke-she was not "allowed" to contact my husband while we were on our annual 2 week holiday at Christmas- she texted him several times and he did not respond- she snoped my FB page and saw our family pictures on vacation and well... I guess it put her over the edge-

[cocorico]

You realize that a lot of BROKEN people will cheat just for an ego boost, not because anything is wrong with the marriage, right? .

 

The post I responded to did not ask for comment about mythical "broken" people, it asked hypothetically how I would respond if my husband had an affair, and I commented in response to what was asked, not to what was not.

 

Yes, I do realise that it is possible that these mythical "broken" people, whoever they may be, may "cheat" for the reasons you cite. I suspect this was the case with my H's xW, who certainly fulfils the requirement of being broken, and whose own letters would indicate that her motivation for "cheating" was not dissimilar to seeking an "ego boost". However, that has nothing to do with the situation posed in the post to which I responded.

 

 

Being part of a society is a privilege.

 

Actually, it's not. It's simply a fact into which we are all born, unless our parents are hermits. Whether you like it or not, you're born into a society, and have to live within its confines as best you can. You can put up with it, or leave and seek one that fits you better, but unless you're prepared to move seriously off-grid, you're stuck with belonging to some society or other. It's a necessity, not a privilege.

 

I am an honest person, and I expect others to live honestly.

 

I believe that's known as "forcing your values onto others".

 

I'm a vegetarian, but I don't expect or demand that the whole world become vegetarian simply because I am. I accept that not everyone shares my values, and I don't attempt to foist my values on others.

 

I guess not everyone treats others like mature, consenting adults with their own free will, however.

 

 

If you do a bad deed in front of other people? And someone like me tells? That's action meeting a consequence. I have no obligation to help assist someone is deceiving another person or harming a family. None.

 

Non sequitur. I have never seen any OW, OM, or WS here or IRL demanding or expecting some arb bystander to "assist (them) in deceiving another person or harming a family". I think most of us are intelligent enough to realise we have no control over how others will act, and accept that there may well be some busybodies who feel the need to run off and stir up trouble because they saw something, made assumptions and feel the need to foist their value system on others who have not indicated they want any part of it. We all know that people like tat exist. We all know we can fall victim to their need to interfere at any moment. We accept that as one of the risks of sharing our planet with others who hold different values. We don't attemtp to try to force our values on them, just because we know that those are the rules under which they themselves operate. We just give them as wide a berth as we can, accept their presence as a risk, and lead our own lives by our own values.

[purplesorrow]

"I guess not everyone treats others like mature, consenting adults with their own free will, however"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Exactly! That is the reason this forum even exist. Nothing about his affair was mature, nor did everyone that was affected consent.

[cocorico]

"I guess not everyone treats others like mature, consenting adults with their own free will, however"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Exactly! That is the reason this forum even exist. Nothing about his affair was mature, nor did everyone that was affected consent.

 

I think you misunderstand the notion of "consent". If I want to have sex with someone (who is of sound mind, above the legal age of consent, and in a fit state to give consent) then I require *their* consent only - not the consent of their grandmother, their neighbour, the guy who sat next to them in primary school or their pet spaniel. Consent is required of those _directly involved_, not bystanders on the periphery who might feel "affected". (Unless I'm proposing doing it on the high street, in full view of the nursery school opposite.)

[Redheaded Mistress]

When secrets are OK, when lies are justified, when you wouldn't even tell your own daughter that her husband might be cheating...it's not surprising that infidelity trickles down through generations.

 

That makes no sense... If we were to believe that affairs are hereditary as you imply, that would mean the act of not telling somehow causes the affair or the affair to become "contagious" as it were. When the fact is the affair may or may not be occurring and me saying something or not saying something won't change if it's "trickling through generations."

 

I think the more logical assumption is that an affair, the things that cause them, and the marital breaks/issues people use to justify them aren't all that uncommon... And that's why so many people have them.

 

I would feel so betrayed if my mom suspected my husband was cheating and didn't tell me. I would never do that to my daughter. I love her and don't want her to be hurt, and my loyalty to her would be so much stronger than any feelings of "minding my own business".

 

Why? That makes no sense... It implies you still, as a grown adult, require supervision in your activities by your mother, or somehow it's her job or place to oversee your marriage and your spouse. Like she's a marital policeman.

 

I'm an adult and have been for quite some time... If my mother told me something like that, I'd be furious. Firstly, it's none of her business. Secondly, it implies that she's gossiping about me or at least entertaining negative gossip about me and my family. As a mother, that's not her job, it's not her business, and it's not something she needs to involve herself in. Honestly, it would damage our relationship almost irreparably. It would mean I can't trust her and that she'd spread to me something that could just as easily be false, but something that is definitely hurtful, for reasons that were only selfish or possibly even malicious.

 

I always find it amazing that people who think throwing in speculation that could ruin lives and ends marriages makes you a moral hero or a social warrior... It really doesn't. People shouldn't be able to say so easily "sure, I'd spread the rumor of a marital infidelity to the BS." If it's true, you've just been the person who potentially delivered the death blow to a marriage. If it's not, you could have done the same. So you have a legacy in that family of being the one who embarrassed and humiliated the BS, delivered the news that ruined the family, and did it in a way that makes what they're handling completely public and ripe for commentary.

 

People aren't always as wildly thankful for information that destroys their lives as people on here seem to think they are. At it's core, telling somebody this... It's gossip. And it's a disturbing need to gossip that's so uncontrollable that you'd tell the people hurt most by it, while patting yourself on the back for how awesome you are that you told. It's bizarre. Who wants to entangle themselves in somebody else's private life so much? It just seems so holier-than-thou to say "I'm such a wonderfully moral person that it's impossible for me to be discrete about damaging gossip about you that may or may not be true... So I just have to tell you and let you deal with it. Isn't that nice of me?"

 

Part of being a decent person isn't delivering all news you hear about somebody to them sot hat they can deal with it. It's about being the person where this gossip comes to a stop and doesn't spread further. It's about affording people the privacy and dignity they deserve in not having people say things that are damaging about them, things that people almost certainly have no proof of being 100% true. And if they do have the 100% proof, here's guessing the BS already knows and they are pursuing a discrete solution.

[purplesorrow]

I think you misunderstand the notion of "consent". If I want to have sex with someone (who is of sound mind, above the legal age of consent, and in a fit state to give consent) then I require *their* consent only - not the consent of their grandmother, their neighbour, the guy who sat next to them in primary school or their pet spaniel. Consent is required of those _directly involved_, not bystanders on the periphery who might feel "affected". (Unless I'm proposing doing it on the high street, in full view of the nursery school opposite.)

No, I don't misunderstand. The only two people in our marriage were me and my stbxh. He had an agreement with me, for that to change, all parties must agree or consent. I didn't consent for him to put my mind body and soul at risk to have sex with someone else.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

I would do it just because.. I don't have a specific reason. If I did it though it wouldn't be coming from a kind or helpful place, just me hoping she leaves him and he gets his "just desserts". Just being honest.

[spookysonata]

I'm not talking about the fact of your geographic location when I refer to "society". I'm talking about the social rules we observe when living in a community of other human beings with lives and families and feelings. Being a part of that is indeed a privilege, because people who skip around doing whatever they want with no regard for anyone but themselves usually find themselves ostracized sooner or later.

[goodyblue]

I'm not talking about the fact of your geographic location when I refer to "society". I'm talking about the social rules we observe when living in a community of other human beings with lives and families and feelings. Being a part of that is indeed a privilege, because people who skip around doing whatever they want with no regard for anyone but themselves usually find themsel

 

ves ostracized sooner or later.

 

You mean YOUR society. Want to bring that up? Tell that to women who are killed when they are raped. That is THEIR SOCIETY.

 

Just so we are clear, i do a lot for society. So does my guy. And especially he is well regarded in society. What happened with us was PERSONAL, not SOCIETAL.

[spookysonata]

You mean YOUR society. Want to bring that up? Tell that to women who are killed when they are raped. That is THEIR SOCIETY.

 

Just so we are clear, i do a lot for society. So does my guy. And especially he is well regarded in society. What happened with us was PERSONAL, not SOCIETAL.

 

...um, what?

[Lady2163]

Sounds a lot like the ow my h cheated with. She didn't mind doing any of it, none of my business. But she begged me to show her kindness and not expose her after dday. Smh, I will never understand.

 

I don't think I would try to dictate the behavior of the wife unless she crossed into harassment or I feared for my life. There are two extreme sides to this equation - the bunny boilers and the Betty Brodericks.

 

But it is all conjecture and hypothetical. If my phone rang right now, this very second, and it was the wife, I'd reach for my tablet to see if he had sent me a heads up email. Beyond that, I just don't know. Nor do I wish to find out.

 

As I have see all too often on here, people seem to think the Other should never again have any form of happiness and should be punished for the rest of their lives. The bias often seems to be the Other is evil and the sweet cheating spouse was seduced by a skilled manipulator.

 

You do realize I'm an ex-OW, in comfortable limited communication with no face-to-face contact?

[Lovebug66]

I'm confused.

 

It seems like the people saying saying don't tell me if my husband is cheating, it's none of your business, are the same people who say the BS is just sticking their head in the sand and how pathetic that is. Isn't telling someone to butt out sticking your head in the sand?

[goodyblue]

...um, what?

 

My point is that societies differ.

 

And the fact that you (general) look down on us is funny considering all we do to make a better world.

[spookysonata]

My point is that societies differ.

 

And the fact that you (general) look down on us is funny considering all we do to make a better world.

 

....nope, didn't make any sense that time either.

I'm saying affair behavior has no place in a society where everyone treats others as they themselves would wish to be treated. If you disagree, that's fine, I hope your particular society supports that. I'm enjoying mine right here

[Robert]

Moderator note, let's get this back on topic and stop with the personal attacks.

 

In case members need to be reminded of what the topic is:

 

"So what did/would, be your reason as the affair partner for spilling the beans? Honestly..."

 

If you were an affair partner and "spilled the beans" continue the discussion. If you are here just to spread venom about someone "spilling the beans" on your affair, start your own rant somewhere else.

 

In regard to the personal attacks, which moderation has been giving a lot of "time-out's for", let us remind you of the community guidelines on civility and respect.

 

LoveShack.org: Community Guidelines

 

Thank you.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I'm confused.

 

It seems like the people saying saying don't tell me if my husband is cheating, it's none of your business, are the same people who say the BS is just sticking their head in the sand and how pathetic that is. Isn't telling someone to butt out sticking your head in the sand?

 

If a BS wants to look the other way on affairs, that's their choice. Does it make them pathetic? Does it make them a survivalist? I don't know. Only they can answer that. If that is a dynamic that works for them, or for the BS, enjoy that.

 

That all being out there, that's not my dynamic. Even with that not being my dynamic, if somebody comes to me and says "your husband is cheating on you," I'm hearing the following:

 

"I gossip about you and your marriage and/or listen to others who gossip about you and your marriage."

 

"The reasons I'm telling you this have nothing to do with you, everything to do with me. I'll tell you something that impacts your life negatively so I can say that I'm a good person."

 

"My personal satisfaction in telling you negative news that could ruin your marriage even if it wasn't true outweighs my concern for you and your family."

 

So why on earth would I take anything they are saying to me to be true, or helpful, or told with a kind heart? At its core, the person who's telling you this isn't telling you for your sake, they're telling you for theirs. Even looking at why people tell on here "I am an honest person," "I lead an authentic life," "I need society to see I'm a team player who looks out for others," all of that has to do with the tattler, not the BS. My marriage and what is and isn't happening is not up for them to interject into. If they don't like what's going on in my marriage, the good news is that it in no way has anything to do with them.

 

If my husband were cheating, the last thing I'd want is the neighborhood Nosey Nessy to stuff her nose in my life, put on a nice show of fake concern, maybe crocodile tears or two, sentiment about how she's "so sorry she has to be the one to tell me this, but...", while she chucks a grenade into my life (with info that may or may not be true) and walks away... But not so far as to ruin the view of what happens next. Because you know that's what she's going to do. She'll be back in a week or two, arm on shoulder, hushed "so how you doing dear?" looking for more information on how I reformatted my life to accommodate her gossip... Though if they didn't come back to check on what happened, it'd make it more baffling... If they don't care enough to check, why do they care enough to tell?

 

If I don't want an OW in my marriage, here's guessing I don't want a Nosey Nessy in my marriage either. Just MYOB. What's the quote, "When one's mind is in their own business, they'll find more than enough to keep them occupied."

 

Case in point:

 

At this very moment, my husbands ex-wife is gleefully sitting at a baby shower for one of her close friends and her fiance where at least 75% of the women there know that the woman who's pregnant is celebrating the impeding birth of a child that may have been conceived with my husband's ex's wife's ex boyfriend while he was actively dating my husband's ex. We think the fiance knows because they have what seems like an open relationship, but my husband's ex has not a clue as far as we know.

 

And here's me. Here's my 10 foot poll. Notice how I'm not touching this.

 

First off, we don't know the fiance at all. Us coming with this news would first be nearly impossible, secondly, not believable. Secondly, my husband and this pregnant woman have a highly adversarial relationship. They can't stand each other and part of the reason she was "relocated" was because of her behavior at work which was brought to the attention of superiors by my husband. He had to put up with her through work daily, but now he doesn't. She's gone, relocated to another location, and not his problem anymore. If my husband told the fiance, she'd say that my husband has an ax to grind and to not believe him. Now we run the risk of a p-off fiance out to cause problems for my husband for telling him something that's this damaging.

 

If he were to tell the pregnant woman he knows, he would have had to seek her out, track her down, and tell her and she'd take it very negatively. It could ruin my husband's career because while they don't work together, the work at the same company in different areas. She'd report him for harassment (as she's done to other co-workers before) and his employer would be able to ask legitimately "why did you go to these lengths to contact her on this?" If I were to tell her, she'd think it was because I don't like her because of how she treated my husband (she's right).

 

If I tell my husband's ex, she will freak the f out. She will start grilling me and I don't want to be grilled. I don't know anything beyond the fact that person A told my husband that while she was having a sexual relationship with the pregnant woman that pregnant woman confided she had a relationship with ex-wife's ex-boyfriend B while they were still hot and heavy. Then ex-boyfriend B spoke with person A, because they're friends, and said he's not sure what to do because the child could be his. I have no dates, details, or anything beyond the above.

 

She'll assume I told her to hurt her or that I found it funny (I wouldn't be telling her to hurt her, but I'm not going to lie... My jaw hit the floor... Funny isn't the right word... But it did evoke a response she probably wouldn't appreciate). She'll ask how I can prove it, I'll only say that person A told my husband. Then she'll say that person A doesn't like either of us so it makes no sense that she'd tell us... And she'd be right, person A doesn't like us and I think the only reason she told my husband was so that he or I would tell his ex... Because despite person A being friends with my husband's ex, she's malicious and was angry about the affair between ex-boyfriend B and her lover, the pregnant girl. It's entirely plausible to think her goal is to have us tell my husband's ex, have her freak out, confront everybody, and now person A has the explosion she wanted without getting her hands dirty. Us taking the brunt of the blowup resulting in my husband's ex finding out would be a double win for person A since she enjoys causing us problems too.

 

Anyway, she'd want timelines, dates, even vague implications of what window it occurred in... I wouldn't have it. I can't even prove it's nothing but a rumor. So I'd basically be spreading the rumor to somebody it impacts with nothing to back up my claims... That will set her off to bug the other three and irritate her that I told her without having any actionable information. Now I've ruined what small relationship we have with her because we told her this. Then she'll go ballistic on her ex, this woman, possibly the fiance. She'd punish us with the kids. We'd go back to her screaming outside of our door about ruining her life, why can't we be out of her life and stay out of it, we must of enjoyed her being humiliated... Etc etc etc. All the stuff we went through when her other relationship went bad "because of us."

 

At no point in any of this would she reward me for my sense of honor and dignity for telling her, or assume I told her because I cared. I'd get no thank you note for being honest with her and doing my part for a good society. I'd have a s--- storm of crap in my hands as she goes through her social circle like the Tasmanian Devil. We'd be lucky if we avoided her idiot ex boyfriend, the pregnant woman, and possibly the fiance from reaching out to us too to ask what the heck we were thinking when we told her this.

 

No thanks. Her drama, her problem. I've got more than enough to deal with without causing drama for the sake of causing drama.

 

If my husband told her, she'd interpret his telling her as jealousy or concern... Both which would mean that she'd think my husband still cares for her. That's a can of worms that was unintentionally opened the last time she she had relationship problems with an ex-boyfriend that we couldn't avoid dealing with. No thanks.

 

She's a big girl. She makes these choices in both men and friends. We make sure she's not allowed to bring the kids around them, then the rest of it is her disaster to live with. No way do we want to be involved that closely in her life. That's why my husband divorced her.

 

Us not telling her has nothing to do with society, being bad people, or content with a life of lies... It has everything to do with us minding our own business and self-preservation. I'm not going to up heave my life, my husbands life, my kid's lives, put my husband's professional career in jeopardy because we are dealing with the fallout of "needing" to tell my husband's ex that she has crappy taste in men because the guy she broke up with for sleeping with her best friend also possibly got another friend pregnant, all while said pregnant friend was having a sexual affair with another one of my husband's ex's close friends. Her terrible choices of relationships are not my problem, nor do I ever want them to be.