What made/would make, you tell the BS?

[spookysonata]

Not telling is a lie of omission. By lying you are being a part of the deception. Being a part of the deception makes you at least partly responsible for the consequences.

 

If I were to find out that a "friend" had known of my WW's LTA but decided not to tell me because it was none of his business.. at the least that person would not be a friend any longer.. and would likely become an enemy of mine.

 

As far as the OP apologizing to the BS - I think it would take some courage to do that, but if the OP has any backbone or conscience I feel an apology should be offered. Yeah it would be a hard thing to do, but again if the OP has any empathy or sympathy for what they put the BS through, then it should be done.

 

Of course if a person has no sympathy, empathy, conscience, or backbone - we're talking about a sociopath / narcissist.. and I wouldn't expect an apology from someone like that.

 

This. X%10000.

[HBIC]

i kept everything in my divorce except my ex's dick. he took that down the road and we're all fine with it now.

 

I have done A LOT of soul searching about how badly both exMM and I wronged his BS. One day, not too long ago, I semi-collapsed in the shower crying when thinking about how much pain my actions inflicted on her. I don't think exMM dealt with much guilt, but I really did.

 

From what I gather, his BS is a kind, hardworking mom, and was very devoted to her husband. Frankly, if he gets taken to the cleaners for this mess, well, he deserves it.

 

I have no idea what the state of their marriage is right now.

 

I like what you said here HBIC. It sounds like you had your moment of clarity. I certainly don't think all OW only tell to take revenge. You admit there was something in it for you too, hopefully getting him to leave you alone, and that's fine too. I'm not Mother Theresa and I don't expect anyone else to be either

 

I appreciate your candor about being in such pain but still loving him. I know the feeling. It is a huge process to break out of a bad relationship and can be extremely confusing. Especially when that person you love knows how to play on that confusion and adds to the crazy making already going on in your head. I am glad you have gotten to where you are today and you should be proud of yourself

 

Thank you for the support. It is REALLY hard to end things with someone you love. And the big, yucky, dark truth? All these months later: still love. This guy, with all his glaring faults, could suck me back onto that hell ride in a split second if I don't keep reminding myself constantly that HE IS NOT AVAILABLE.

 

I just can't accept the position of side bit for myself. Eff that. That and bejeezus, I wish he would work on himself, but I can't control that either.

[Sassy Girl]

When would I tell the BS? Never.

 

I walked into this eyes wide open. Knew he was married. He knew I was. Its an arrangement - nothing more. I will stick to that agreement. I won't change the terms. If it looks like he wants to, I will end it.

 

 

If you enter a relationship with a married man you must be willing to accept second place. Cold reality. I'm baffled by the amount of single OW on here obsessing about what MM does or won't do, whether he loves her or not, whether he'll leave the wife or not. News flash - you knew he was married, you knew the score. Don't get all mad now that YOU have changed the terms and he won't come to the party.

[Lovebug66]

I have done A LOT of soul searching about how badly both exMM and I wronged his BS. One day, not too long ago, I semi-collapsed in the shower crying when thinking about how much pain my actions inflicted on her. I don't think exMM dealt with much guilt, but I really did.

 

From what I gather, his BS is a kind, hardworking mom, and was very devoted to her husband. Frankly, if he gets taken to the cleaners for this mess, well, he deserves it.

 

I have no idea what the state of their marriage is right now.

 

 

 

Thank you for the support. It is REALLY hard to end things with someone you love. And the big, yucky, dark truth? All these months later: still love. This guy, with all his glaring faults, could suck me back onto that hell ride in a split second if I don't keep reminding myself constantly that HE IS NOT AVAILABLE.

 

I just can't accept the position of side bit for myself. Eff that. That and bejeezus, I wish he would work on himself, but I can't control that either.

 

You know I read here a lot that love isn't just a light switch you can turn off, and that is used as a reason to continue on. I agree it can't just be turned off, it takes steps. But if you keep following thru with those steps, it will eventually go away. Many months may seem like an eternity, but it's not. You are doing great, just keep following your head instead of your heart and fully believe you deserve better. You will get there

[nightmare01]

[...]

If you enter a relationship with a married man you must be willing to accept second place. Cold reality. I'm baffled by the amount of single OW on here obsessing about what MM does or won't do, whether he loves her or not, whether he'll leave the wife or not. News flash - you knew he was married, you knew the score. Don't get all mad now that YOU have changed the terms and he won't come to the party.

 

Yes you went into your affair with your eyes wide open. So you must also be willing to accept that one day your OM's BW may find out. She may stalk you, she may try to ruin your reputation by making the affair very public, she may even try to hurt you. In short, she may seek revenge - and as you said, you must be willing to accept that.

 

This BW may tell your husband or boyfriend (if you are in a relationship outside the affair). That will have ramifications of course. It could ruin your relationship, it could lead to divorce (if you are married), it could also lead your husband/boyfriend to decide to have a revenge affair. And you have to accept that too.

 

In some (very few) states a BS is allowed to sue the AP. I know that in North Carolina all that needs to be proved is that the affair happened - there is no defense permitted so your arguments about how you deserved to be happy or whatever won't matter. The standard judgement issued is around 2 million dollars. And of course you have to accept that too.

 

You have to accept all of it because, as you said, you walked into this affair with your eyes open.

[HBIC]

You know I read here a lot that love isn't just a light switch you can turn off, and that is used as a reason to continue on. I agree it can't just be turned off, it takes steps. But if you keep following thru with those steps, it will eventually go away. Many months may seem like an eternity, but it's not. You are doing great, just keep following your head instead of your heart and fully believe you deserve better. You will get there

 

These words are incredibly helpful as you might have noticed: I am still healing and have feelings for exMM. You are right, a few months having passed is not a long time.

 

I know the focus of this thread is on motivations for telling the BS, so I want to be careful not to hijack things. So, in the spirit of the thread, I'll add that when I disclosed the A to the BS, I also made a promise to her that the A with her husband was over forever. Period. Even though I was in love with him.

 

Feeling love for someone (taken) is not a justification to help someone betray their spouse. I wish I had always stuck to that, but at least it guides my behavior now. I focus on my actions since my feelings don't lead to good choices. When he tries to woo me back, I think about his wife. I think about my promise to her. And, yes, you nailed it: I think about how I deserve a healthy relationship!!! (I have started a relationship with a wonderful man, and I am extremely grateful for him.)

 

Sometimes sticking to your values is not easy. It is still worth it.

[whichwayisup]

It was a response to your premise, about "if everyone acted in a mature way". I was pointing out that that doesn't start at the point of the A, but way before, when the stage is set for what ultimately leads to an A.

 

 

Stockholm Syndrome.

 

You mean a bad marriage? Or a bad spouse? Not all A's are the reflection of a bad marriage. Many of times, as many BS's who have posted their situations, the marriage was good but the WS was broken.

[Sassy Girl]

Yes you went into your affair with your eyes wide open. So you must also be willing to accept that one day your OM's BW may find out. She may stalk you, she may try to ruin your reputation by making the affair very public, she may even try to hurt you. In short, she may seek revenge - and as you said, you must be willing to accept that.

 

 

Agree. Its been considered and I have protected myself as much as possible

 

This BW may tell your husband or boyfriend (if you are in a relationship outside the affair). That will have ramifications of course. It could ruin your relationship, it could lead to divorce (if you are married), it could also lead your husband/boyfriend to decide to have a revenge affair. And you have to accept that too.

 

I know. I'm prepared to walk away from my marriage if we are found out. Its dead anyway.

 

 

In some (very few) states a BS is allowed to sue the AP. I know that in North Carolina all that needs to be proved is that the affair happened - there is no defense permitted so your arguments about how you deserved to be happy or whatever won't matter. The standard judgement issued is around 2 million dollars. And of course you have to accept that too.

 

 

Not where I live.

 

You have to accept all of it because, as you said, you walked into this affair with your eyes open.

 

Yes, thanks for stating the obvious. Its all a calculated risk. Which at this point in time I am willing to take.

[nightmare01]

@Sassy Girl -

 

I hope you did not see what I wrote as an attack. I only wanted to point out that things go both ways, and there could be consequences which you may not be prepared for.

 

An affair never makes the M better, they're terribly destructive. The devastation to the BS is beyond comprehension unless you have experienced it first hand. That destruction takes a while to work its way through the BS (and WS) and the M... and consequences will spring up maybe unexpectedly.

 

I would like to ask.. if I may.. You wrote:

 

I'm prepared to walk away from my marriage if we are found out. Its dead anyway.

 

Why are you still in your M then? You aren't happy. Do you consider your affair an "exit affair"?

 

We BS ask this a lot.. why not leave the M instead of or before having an affair? If we are so awful, any the M so terrible, why not just leave? Wouldn't a D be easier/cleaner?

 

Why visit such pain on your BH? If you want to be with OM.. or if you just want to be free and single again, why not make a clean cut and divorce?

 

While my WW's LTA was going on, I KNEW something was wrong, but every attempt I made to improve things produced not just resistance.. but what seemed to be over the top anger and hate from my WW. This made me crazy.. I was distracted all the time, I couldn't figure out what was going on... in a sense I was my own worst enemy because I came to suspect an affair (and I even guessed with who) but I refused to believe what my intuition was telling me.

 

I consider that period of time as mental abuse from my WW. She was saying horrible things to me. Throwing things. Breaking my stuff. Screaming at me and leaving me baffled about what she was so angry about.

 

It would have been much kinder if she had just divorced me - preferably before the affair.

 

So if your M is dead, why not bury it and move on?

 

I'm just trying to understand.. maybe your answer would help me understand what my WW did.

 

Again - I really hope you don't take this as an attack.. I am just asking what seems to me to be an obvious question.

 

TIA

[Lovebug66]

These words are incredibly helpful as you might have noticed: I am still healing and have feelings for exMM. You are right, a few months having passed is not a long time.

 

I know the focus of this thread is on motivations for telling the BS, so I want to be careful not to hijack things. So, in the spirit of the thread, I'll add that when I disclosed the A to the BS, I also made a promise to her that the A with her husband was over forever. Period. Even though I was in love with him.

 

Feeling love for someone (taken) is not a justification to help someone betray their spouse. I wish I had always stuck to that, but at least it guides my behavior now. I focus on my actions since my feelings don't lead to good choices. When he tries to woo me back, I think about his wife. I think about my promise to her. And, yes, you nailed it: I think about how I deserve a healthy relationship!!! (I have started a relationship with a wonderful man, and I am extremely grateful for him.)

 

Sometimes sticking to your values is not easy. It is still worth it.

 

Your post reminds me of a saying I like, sometimes you need to think yourself into the right actions, and sometimes you need to act your way into right thinking. It seems like you have both down

 

I know I have been in situations where I have to think do I go by my morals, or do I go by what I feel I want to do. It's not always an easy choice, and I've gone the other way before cause gosh darn it, I've always been good and played by the "rules" and others don't and why do they get to and I don't? Maybe I'm just too rigid in my morals and I'm really just a stuck up snot. Or any other excuse or justification I can come up with. The regret I have felt afterwards didn't make it worth it tho, but it's a lesson everyone has to learn. You have learned too, and are following thru with your commitment to the BS, and that is the best you can do. Truly, that is a lot.

 

I can't speak for the BS in your situation obviously, but I can say I appreciate my OW keeping her commitment of no contact. I can see now (over two years down the road) she did feel genuine remorse for her actions. At the time I wasn't rude about it but in the back of my head I was thinking yeah NOW your sorry and sure, we'll see if you don't contact him. She has shown from her actions that she did regret it and she doesn't want to be any source of pain for me again. I will probably never tell her I forgive her unless we run into each other by chance, it has just been too long and there is no reason to open any of that back up for either of us. But I do forgive her, she has done what she could to make amends to me (as long as she keeps it that way;)). I hope something in all that ramble will bring you some peace

 

SOOOOO happy for you that you are in a new relationship with a great guy!!!

[Sassy Girl]

@Sassy Girl -

 

I hope you did not see what I wrote as an attack. I only wanted to point out that things go both ways, and there could be consequences which you may not be prepared for.

 

 

I am no stranger to infidelity, although this is the first time it has been me involved. I'm very aware of potential consequences.

 

An affair never makes the M better, they're terribly destructive. The devastation to the BS is beyond comprehension unless you have experienced it first hand. That destruction takes a while to work its way through the BS (and WS) and the M... and consequences will spring up maybe unexpectedly.

 

I would like to ask.. if I may.. You wrote:

 

I'm prepared to walk away from my marriage if we are found out. Its dead anyway.

 

Why are you still in your M then?

I have very small children who love their father. Despite his admitted shortcomings as a husband, he is a good father to our children. We parent well together and make a good team raising them.

 

 

You aren't happy. Do you consider your affair an "exit affair"?

No I'm not, but these days its more bearable. No I don't plan on leaving just yet. One day I will... not for OM, or any other man - for myself.

 

 

 

 

We BS ask this a lot.. why not leave the M instead of or before having an affair? If we are so awful, any the M so terrible, why not just leave? Wouldn't a D be easier/cleaner?

Not for my children, no.

 

Why visit such pain on your BH? If you want to be with OM.. or if you just want to be free and single again, why not make a clean cut and divorce?

I have spoken with him at length about divorce, he doesn't think I'm serious. He's done nothing to change. I asked for an open marriage he said no. I told him I might as well find someone who will be interested, he laughed and told me to let him know when I do. Every time I talk about leaving he lays the guilt on thick abut the children.

 

His parents have told him he needs to pull his finger out or he will lose me. They see the writing on the wall. Its impossible. He. Will. Not. Change. But my kids love him, love me, and love our life. They thrive. Even though it ate at my soul. Until recently.

 

 

 

While my WW's LTA was going on, I KNEW something was wrong, but every attempt I made to improve things produced not just resistance.. but what seemed to be over the top anger and hate from my WW. This made me crazy.. I was distracted all the time, I couldn't figure out what was going on... in a sense I was my own worst enemy because I came to suspect an affair (and I even guessed with who) but I refused to believe what my intuition was telling me.

 

 

He accused me 18 months ago of having an affair because I said I was unhappy with my life, started working out, and trying to pull myself out of a depressive state. I had NEVER cheated before, or entertained the idea. I think his ego couldn't take how miserable I was in the marriage and he had to find some OTHER reason that wasn't him. Of course I was not cheating... then.

 

I consider that period of time as mental abuse from my WW. She was saying horrible things to me. Throwing things. Breaking my stuff. Screaming at me and leaving me baffled about what she was so angry about.

I was angry for years BEFORE the affair. Well before. Just to get his attention, to get through to him. Did nothing. Now I don't even bother. I am now well and truly detached and have told him so. I was detached before the affair.

 

It would have been much kinder if she had just divorced me - preferably before the affair.

Yeah, it would be kinder to me too. My kids? Not so much.

 

So if your M is dead, why not bury it and move on?

As above

 

 

I'm just trying to understand.. maybe your answer would help me understand what my WW did.

 

Again - I really hope you don't take this as an attack.. I am just asking what seems to me to be an obvious question.

 

TIA

 

I thought the same way as you once. Honestly, I did.

[gettingstronger]

Sometimes sticking to your values is not easy. It is still worth it.

 

 

This is a great point- and I think since you are committed to doing this, then exposing was the best course of action. I have said before as a BS the best thing would for the OW to give the MM a set amount of time to tell his wife and if he does not then expose but what you did is a close second. I think the promise fulfilled of not restarting the A is an important one-

[Goodbye]

Sometimes sticking to your values is not easy. It is still worth it.

 

 

This is a great point- and I think since you are committed to doing this, then exposing was the best course of action. I have said before as a BS the best thing would for the OW to give the MM a set amount of time to tell his wife and if he does not then expose but what you did is a close second. I think the promise fulfilled of not restarting the A is an important one-

 

 

 

 

 

Of course often the MM will claim he HAS told the W...no way to verify this one unless she contacts the OW in response. As I've indicated, I told my exMM to tell the wife because I was going to otherwise. He swore up and down how he told her, described the fall out and everything. None of it true. When I snapped and contacted BS last year she was NOT informed. Suspicions, yes...but all suspicions had been smoothed over with excuses from H. MM who cheat also lie to both their wives and their OW.

[nightmare01]

@Sassy Girl

Thank you for your candid answers. That was helpful.

 

As a BH of course I have the opinion that your BH should know about your affair.. and maybe that would shake things up enough that he would make changes.

 

My WW thought for certain that I would D her after Dday, and yet here we are, still together. She never took responsibility for her affair and never expressed remorse .. I got some regret but that isn't really what I was looking for. So anyway, we are together but I feel we are not as close and healed as we would be had she done some work on herself.

 

But that last bit is just me. The point I wanted to make is that a lot of people SAY they would immediately D should their partner cheat, but when it happens that story can change. So regardless of what your BH says or what you believe he will do, it could be different.

 

You know best for your situation though.

 

I take it your affair is over now. Can you possibly see yourself in another? From what your write, I don't see anything preventing it.

[cocorico]

You mean a bad marriage? Or a bad spouse?

 

 

Whichever is relevant in the particular context. Sometimes one, sometimes the other, sometimes both.

[HBIC]

I have said before as a BS the best thing would for the OW to give the MM a set amount of time to tell his wife and if he does not then expose but what you did is a close second. I think the promise fulfilled of not restarting the A is an important one-

 

Of course often the MM will claim he HAS told the W...no way to verify this one unless she contacts the OW in response. As I've indicated, I told my exMM to tell the wife because I was going to otherwise. He swore up and down how he told her, described the fall out and everything. None of it true. When I snapped and contacted BS last year she was NOT informed. Suspicions, yes...but all suspicions had been smoothed over with excuses from H. MM who cheat also lie to both their wives and their OW.

 

IMO, trusting a man who has been gaslighting his wife over a long period of time to do the right thing and come clean is delusional. Not to mention, if a man had any courage or integrity to begin with, he would not be having an LTA.

 

Prior to disclosure, exMM and I discussed my thoughts on telling his W to blow up the A. His gaslighting was cruel and abusive, but he was OK with that. Telling her the truth so she could make up her own mind about what was acceptable in her life? Noooo way. I told him that he needed to tell her before I did, because if I did it, he was going to look 1000X worse.

 

He had a few months to take action and just insisted on more cake eating.

 

Ugh. Reading this makes me so disgusted by the sick and twisted psychological states of both exMM and me to equate behavior during the A with "love." Yikes!

[Redheaded Mistress]

Yes you went into your affair with your eyes wide open. So you must also be willing to accept that one day your OM's BW may find out. She may stalk you, she may try to ruin your reputation by making the affair very public, she may even try to hurt you. In short, she may seek revenge - and as you said, you must be willing to accept that.

 

This BW may tell your husband or boyfriend (if you are in a relationship outside the affair). That will have ramifications of course. It could ruin your relationship, it could lead to divorce (if you are married), it could also lead your husband/boyfriend to decide to have a revenge affair. And you have to accept that too.

 

In some (very few) states a BS is allowed to sue the AP. I know that in North Carolina all that needs to be proved is that the affair happened - there is no defense permitted so your arguments about how you deserved to be happy or whatever won't matter. The standard judgement issued is around 2 million dollars. And of course you have to accept that too.

 

You have to accept all of it because, as you said, you walked into this affair with your eyes open.

 

Another great reason to not tell... It's not worth the hassle of the BS using it to justify their bad behavior and then you having to take action to get it to stop.

 

My husband's BW was incredulous that I called the police, served her with cease and desist orders and a pre-restraining order notice, and that I responded to her threat to sue me with a lawyer who served her a certified letter of intent of countersuit in the event of her "I'm going to sue" threat was real. But when crazy things are happening, you have to take steps to get it to stop and keep yourself safe. Don't tell the BS unless you're prepared to take those steps, should they choose to escalate the situation.

[HBIC]

The BS in my case has been (thus far at least) amazingly drama free. As in zero. Nada. I definitely considered her propensity for avoiding drama at all costs in my decision to disclose. Had I felt she would be highly dramatic, I am not sure I would have taken the disclosure route.

 

I deserve the consequences of my poor choices and am extremely fortunate and grateful that her energy is presumably focused on dealing with him, not me.

 

If you put yourself somewhere you don't belong and something bad happens, well, whose fault is that? Think. Think. Think. (of someone other than yourself). Consequences. Consequences. Consequences.

[nightmare01]

Another great reason to not tell... It's not worth the hassle of the BS using it to justify their bad behavior and then you having to take action to get it to stop.

 

My husband's BW was incredulous that I called the police, served her with cease and desist orders and a pre-restraining order notice, and that I responded to her threat to sue me with a lawyer who served her a certified letter of intent of countersuit in the event of her "I'm going to sue" threat was real. But when crazy things are happening, you have to take steps to get it to stop and keep yourself safe. Don't tell the BS unless you're prepared to take those steps, should they choose to escalate the situation.

 

Oddly enough I might agree with you IF you divorce your BS either to have a relationship with your OP or just because you've had it with the M and want to be single.

 

From the POV of a BH - I think that if you stay M to your BS you should tell.

 

Lots of reasons like it being the right thing to do.. a person has a right to make decisions about their own life, and as long as the affair remains a secret the BS cannot make good decisions because they don't have all the information necessary to do so.

 

There are other reasons to confess that are BS-centric, so I doubt you'd relate to them and so won't list these reasons here.

 

Also I think that even if the affair has ended, and the WS thinks they won't do that again.. I believe that without consequences a repeat affair is pretty likely. I mean, why not? The affair was fun and fulfilling and all that - it also got the WS through a rough patch.. so if it was good once and there were no consequences, why not do it again?

 

Also, although learning your wife or husband had an affair is .. well it's beyond horrible .. it can be a trigger that will lead to an improved marriage. Statistically 90% of WS that confessed and reconciled say their M is better.

 

IMO the fallout or consequences that come down after a confession are really dependent on how that confession is handled. A confession where empathy and remorse are apparent, and if the WS agrees to help their BS and also to do work on themselves - that confession won't have anywhere near the same consequences as a confession that is harsh and without remorse.

[Lovebug66]

Sometimes sticking to your values is not easy. It is still worth it.

 

 

This is a great point- and I think since you are committed to doing this, then exposing was the best course of action. I have said before as a BS the best thing would for the OW to give the MM a set amount of time to tell his wife and if he does not then expose but what you did is a close second. I think the promise fulfilled of not restarting the A is an important one-

 

Of course often the MM will claim he HAS told the W...no way to verify this one unless she contacts the OW in response. As I've indicated, I told my exMM to tell the wife because I was going to otherwise. He swore up and down how he told her, described the fall out and everything. None of it true. When I snapped and contacted BS last year she was NOT informed. Suspicions, yes...but all suspicions had been smoothed over with excuses from H. MM who cheat also lie to both their wives and their OW.

 

IMO, trusting a man who has been gaslighting his wife over a long period of time to do the right thing and come clean is delusional. Not to mention, if a man had any courage or integrity to begin with, he would not be having an LTA.

 

Prior to disclosure, exMM and I discussed my thoughts on telling his W to blow up the A. His gaslighting was cruel and abusive, but he was OK with that. Telling her the truth so she could make up her own mind about what was acceptable in her life? Noooo way. I told him that he needed to tell her before I did, because if I did it, he was going to look 1000X worse.

 

He had a few months to take action and just insisted on more cake eating.

 

Ugh. Reading this makes me so disgusted by the sick and twisted psychological states of both exMM and me to equate behavior during the A with "love." Yikes!

 

The BS in my case has been (thus far at least) amazingly drama free. As in zero. Nada. I definitely considered her propensity for avoiding drama at all costs in my decision to disclose. Had I felt she would be highly dramatic, I am not sure I would have taken the disclosure route.

 

I deserve the consequences of my poor choices and am extremely fortunate and grateful that her energy is presumably focused on dealing with him, not me.

 

If you put yourself somewhere you don't belong and something bad happens, well, whose fault is that? Think. Think. Think. (of someone other than yourself). Consequences. Consequences. Consequences.

 

I think you all bring up great points here. It would be best if the AP told the WS you have a set amount of time or I'm telling. When the WS wants to keep cake eating they aren't going to tell tho. And how to know if they did? I remember your posts Goodbye, and it seemed pretty obvious he never told even tho he claimed to, and I think you did the right thing. If the WS comes back with "I told them and they don't care if I keep talking to you", majority of the time that's a lie.

 

You don't know how the BS is going to react, and the BS doesn't know if the AP is crazy either. I think those of us who had a relatively drama free experience with the other see telling as the thing to do. I can see why people who had the opposite experience would advise against it.

 

My WH told me OW was crazy. Not just crazy, that she had been in the mental hospital. Yikes, right? Truth was she was for the 72 hour assessment but she wasn't a total nutter. She had a mental breakdown. I'm sure there are plenty of BSs that have been painted with the crazy brush who aren't really crazy too. And if they are slightly crazy, well they have been gaslighted and lied to for x amount of months and that is what happens.

 

I'm a huge advocate of talking thru email. It gives both sides time to absorb what was said instead of just reacting and it can cut down the crazy. It's a highly emotional time and it's hard to keep all those emotions in check in an actual conversation on both sides. Most of the time it won't be a conversation, it will be a bunch of interruptions and blood pumping and foot in mouth moments. I didn't know they had been coworkers at one time, and the first line I read was "while we were coworkers..." and I blurted out wtf?!? That wouldn't have gone over very well if we were talking But I had time to think about it and figured out who she was and remembered her. She was extremely, over the top, nice to me when I met her. Not in a mocking way. I realized she was because she felt guilty. Not guilty enough to end the A then, but what had been kind of a strange encounter now made a lot of sense. I was able to respond rationally instead of some crazy WTF moment because I had time to think. It was extremely beneficial for me to go the email route, and others might want to consider that too.

[Goodbye]

I think you all bring up great points here. It would be best if the AP told the WS you have a set amount of time or I'm telling. When the WS wants to keep cake eating they aren't going to tell tho. And how to know if they did? I remember your posts Goodbye, and it seemed pretty obvious he never told even tho he claimed to, and I think you did the right thing. If the WS comes back with "I told them and they don't care if I keep talking to you", majority of the time that's a lie.

 

You don't know how the BS is going to react, and the BS doesn't know if the AP is crazy either. I think those of us who had a relatively drama free experience with the other see telling as the thing to do. I can see why people who had the opposite experience would advise against it.

 

My WH told me OW was crazy. Not just crazy, that she had been in the mental hospital. Yikes, right? Truth was she was for the 72 hour assessment but she wasn't a total nutter. She had a mental breakdown. I'm sure there are plenty of BSs that have been painted with the crazy brush who aren't really crazy too. And if they are slightly crazy, well they have been gaslighted and lied to for x amount of months and that is what happens.

 

I'm a huge advocate of talking thru email. It gives both sides time to absorb what was said instead of just reacting and it can cut down the crazy. It's a highly emotional time and it's hard to keep all those emotions in check in an actual conversation on both sides. Most of the time it won't be a conversation, it will be a bunch of interruptions and blood pumping and foot in mouth moments. I didn't know they had been coworkers at one time, and the first line I read was "while we were coworkers..." and I blurted out wtf?!? That wouldn't have gone over very well if we were talking But I had time to think about it and figured out who she was and remembered her. She was extremely, over the top, nice to me when I met her. Not in a mocking way. I realized she was because she felt guilty. Not guilty enough to end the A then, but what had been kind of a strange encounter now made a lot of sense. I was able to respond rationally instead of some crazy WTF moment because I had time to think. It was extremely beneficial for me to go the email route, and others might want to consider that too.

 

 

 

Yes, it seems par for the course to portray OW or BS as mentally unstable...as if that makes having the affair somehow better.

[the_artist_1970]

I think it has something to do with the fact that these people think that they are sacrificing themselves for something worth it at the end. And when they don't get it or realize that simply the MM/MW aren't leaving and they feel deceived, they lash out in vengeance.

 

What they don't see is that telling them themselves is probably the worst thing that they could do for their own self-respect and respect for other people. In my opinion, Telling the BS, as OM/OW is a purely selfish act. It has nothing to do with the "right thing".

 

The "right thing" is simply to butt out and no longer get involved in such damaging behavior. It's just not your mess to clean up.

 

However, if the person does not know that they were married, then I think that they have every right to tell the BS. In one case one is a accomplice to deception and betrayal, and the other case both people are victims. Big difference.

 

As a once BS, I don't agree with this at all. The xow told me and to this day I am grateful that at least she was honest with me. Initially my FWS wasn't. While I don't have respect for women who sleep with married men knowingly, I will always be grateful to her for telling me.

[nightmare01]

I think there's a lot of lies that go into justifying the affair. Small things get blown out of proportion, and somethings are just created out of thin air.

 

I think it would be hard for a WS to justify cheating if they really believed their M was great and their BS was wonderful. If they could do that.. I think it would indicate some pretty severe mental issues on their part.

 

So they lie - mostly to themselves. My spouse is cold, intolerant, mean, abusive; the marriage is bad / has problems (what marriage does NOT have problems?), there are communication issues, "I've outgrown my BS", "we grew apart". They tell themselves this to give themselves permission to do what they want to do.

 

They lie to their AP because they get sympathy and "understanding", and they feel closer to their AP because of it.

 

Some WS/AP have that Florence Nightengale or Knight in Shining Armour thing going on. Abd si all those lies feed the affair.

 

The truth is though that the BS has faults, but they are usually not severe. The marriage has problems, but instead of trying to solve these problems by turning toward their BS, they turn toward their AP instead. If the marriage were really the problem, then both BS and WS would cheat.

 

My WW told her OM that I was abusive. That I verbally abused her, and that I physically abused her - that I struck her and that I even raped her. NONE of that is true. In our relationship SHE is the one that has been abusive, SHE is the one that has put holes in our walls, SHE is the one that hit me, SHE is the one that has broken my things.

 

I'm from a family where my father would scream and throw things around the house when he got mad. Growing up in that environment, my adult response when something goes wrong or if someone is angry and yelling at me is to become quiet and calm. I have never even raised my voice to my WW.. even on Dday.

 

To this day I am bothered that OM still believes all this to be true.. it shouldn't matter, but actually it still does to me.

[Sassy Girl]

@Sassy Girl

Thank you for your candid answers. That was helpful.

 

As a BH of course I have the opinion that your BH should know about your affair.. and maybe that would shake things up enough that he would make changes.

 

My WW thought for certain that I would D her after Dday, and yet here we are, still together. She never took responsibility for her affair and never expressed remorse .. I got some regret but that isn't really what I was looking for. So anyway, we are together but I feel we are not as close and healed as we would be had she done some work on herself.

 

But that last bit is just me. The point I wanted to make is that a lot of people SAY they would immediately D should their partner cheat, but when it happens that story can change. So regardless of what your BH says or what you believe he will do, it could be different.

 

You know best for your situation though.

 

I take it your affair is over now. Can you possibly see yourself in another? From what your write, I don't see anything preventing it.

 

 

He probably won't divorce me. Theres been enough talk of it I don't think he'd be surprised. He would know why I did this. He knows the options he presented me with in our marriage and how unreasonable they were.

 

I would immediately divorce him regardless....I'm not going through a reconciliation process for 2-5 years on a man who is lazy and thoughtless, and, on the odd occasion, verbally and emotionally abusive. Its like trying to do CPR on a corpse. I will move on.

 

I am still in the affair. Right now, it makes my life bearable. If I wasn't in it I would be divorcing.

[gettingstronger]

HBIC and Goodbye both handled the situations in a way most BS would appreciate-I think that there comes a point where there is no other recourse but to tell-

 

I do believe in our situation that our OW felt she had no other choice- she could no longer put up with her end of the bargain, she could not walk away on her own, she could not make him hers so she played her hand- forcing a Dday- I don't blame her for tipping me off, I blame both of them for the A- her insane behavior after dday is 100% on her-

 

I do wish she was like HBIC and Goodbye where telling was the final farewell-that's probably the best outcome to a terrible situation that anyone could ask for-