Hear ya knockin' but ya can't come in.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by Merin

Thanks Girl.. Thing is, I don't ACTUALLY know why he did this, where he went or why.. because apparently IF he told me he would have to kill me..

 

Funny.. I don't think he'll call me.. in his mind this is me and not him.. and for real can't seem to wrap his mind around why I'm not happy with this..

'

Oh look, It's the insight I've been looking for.

 

Hey Mer,

 

He doesn't think you should worry, because he told you it was okay. It's the mark of a discompassionate person.

 

He got in close and now is pretty confident he has your trust. This is when it gets shady. ESPECIALLY with GUYS.

 

Whatever errand he's doing I think just because you two TALKED about the trust and insecurity thing, he would make it a priority to maintain your trust, by not doing ANYTHING that could call it into question.

 

Like I said he PHUKKED UP.

 

Don't stand for it.

[DinNJ]

we'll give you the same advice everyone else gets... NO CONTACT!!! FOREVER!!! NO EMAILS, TEXT's, CALLS, nada... never... move on, you can do better, you deserve better....you'll meet someone else....

 

j/k

 

try not to sweat it... but DO let him come to you and explain himself... cause I wouldn't settle for that secret/crap either...

[Merin]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

'

Oh look, It's the insight I've been looking for.

 

Hey Mer,

 

He doesn't think you should worry, because he told you it was okay. It's the mark of a discompassionate person.

 

He got in close and now is pretty confident he has your trust. This is when it gets shady. ESPECIALLY with GUYS.

 

Whatever errand he's doing I think just because you two TALKED about the trust and insecurity thing, he would make it a priority to maintain your trust, by not doing ANYTHING that could call it into question.

 

Like I said he PHUKKED UP.

 

Don't stand for it.

 

Thats my thoughts exactly MA.. He knows about my "issues" and I know about his.. I freaking knock myself out trying to SHOW him he can trust me.. that I'm not doing anything out of line blah blah.. and I would NEVER do anything to loose his trust in me..

 

So you've hit the nail on the head MA.. Thats why I'm so upset.. he knew before I left that I was unhappy with this, he knew I didn't understand what was going on and wanted to understand.. he admitted that if I did the same thing to him he wouldn't be happy with it.. YET somehow he did it anyway..

 

Don't stand for it.. I can't MA.. I can't have this in my life you know? In my last relationship I made everything he did to me *Okay* no matter how much it hurt me, or what he did to me.. I was so g'damn afraid to fail and fall that I made it okay for him to hurt me.. and he ate it up.

 

He did say he was sorry.. but ya know what *cough bullsh*t cough* IF he was sorry and wanted to make things okay and right for me.. then he wouldn't have given me reason to mistrust what was happening.. my problem as always.. I do to g'damn much and expect to little..

 

I wonder IF I am ever enough.. :Merin needs to get off her freaking pity potty and suck it up:

 

Thanks you guys...

 

DinNJ~ I'm a very stubborn girl.. NC hurts me a lot.. and yeah I will wonder if he's okay.. but I would rather f*cking die then contact him.. and sadly.. I don't think from the place I'm in right about now that he feels I'm worth fighting for....

[blind_otter]

Guilty of abandoning love interests for weed....

 

I have tried dating guys who are mostly sober and it usually doesn't work. I mean, you need to quit for yourself, not for anyone else. And it's a selfish thing, too....something you don't deserve, I think. ah well....

 

I spent my evening last night getting blind drunk and I literally had to be carried/dragged from the bar. I puked a lot and my friends had to take care of me and it just sucks.

 

Surprisingly, I have a date tomorrow and teh day after. I decided to try dating an older man, the guy on monday is a 44 year old massage therapist who is mutual friends with some other massage people (we both went to the same school, 15 years apart, haha). We'll see. I have no idea why a relatively successful 44 year old man would be interested in a 25 year old wastoid. Oh, maybe it's my bod. assclowns.

[moimeme]

Great thread! I'm very sorry, gents, that you all ended up with really wretched females. I am pretty much persuaded now that time and your gut are your greatest allies in relationships. Given enough time, most deceptive folks will eventually trip themselves up. Your gut will tell you whom to avoid, though as Merin said (and we've all done), we tend to try to ignore the 'RUN AWAY FAST' signals when our gut sends them.

 

The worst mistakes I've made in life have resulted from me not following my instincts.

 

Merin, I have a tale for you. I had a fairly new guy friend. He invited me to go to a Christmas work party with him and then to go looking at Christmas lights with his parents. We went out for New Year's too. New Year's Day, I get a call from him. He is insisting that I go someplace with him. That I have to be ready to go at a certain time. He refused to tell me what or why. I was still recovering from alcohlic abusive guy, who was EXTREMELY controlling and this behaviour of guy on the phone seemed very controlling. He took a couple hours to persuade me! After that long, I relented. He told me I had to dress up so I dolled up in my finest. Turns out he'd paid attention when I went with him to a concert some weeks before. I'd said I'd love to go to a Viennese New Year concert that was to be held New Year's Day. I wasn't hinting at all - just saying it the way we say stuff like that - as an idle wish. He had bought tickets to this pricey event and wanted to surprise me, which is why he insisted I do what he asked without knowing why. I never fought him again and many more times was delighted by the lovely surprises he'd prepared for me. Funny thing, though, he didn't like surprises and didn't enjoy it when I tried to reciprocate in kind.

 

Anyway, moral of the story is find out what's going on before you assume. Maybe he wasn't going for drugs. Maybe he had to go pick up plane tickets and pay for them before the reservation ran out. Maybe a bunch of things. Wait to find out. You may be end up feeling like a twit for not trusting the way I did.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by Merin

Thats my thoughts exactly MA.. He knows about my "issues" and I know about his.. I freaking knock myself out trying to SHOW him he can trust me.. that I'm not doing anything out of line blah blah.. and I would NEVER do anything to loose his trust in me..

Fine upstanding qualities in a human.

 

he knew before I left that I was unhappy with this, he knew I didn't understand what was going on and wanted to understand.. he admitted that if I did the same thing to him he wouldn't be happy with it.. YET somehow he did it anyway..

Well, your brain seems to work just fine. thought processes coherent, and rational.....

 

There are no gender lines here folks. I have examples, and they aren't pretty. This issue of trust looks to be fair game for crapping all over by people. It aint gender specific.

In my last relationship I made everything he did to me *Okay* no matter how much it hurt me, or what he did to me.. I was so g'damn afraid to fail and fall that I made it okay for him to hurt me.. and he ate it up.I do to g'damn much and expect to little..

 

Merin you are hereby inducted into the elite club! Yikes, Devildog, Merin has just experienced what it was like with our wives!

 

:::: passing "yay for Boobs!" t-shirt to Merin.::::

I wonder IF I am ever enough.. :Merin needs to get off her freaking pity potty and suck it up:

 

Nah, sucking it up is a form of denial/repression. Vent it!

 

Merin, if YOU wonder if YOU'RE enough, then there are a lot of people out here wondering if they're anything at all.

 

Hang in there. {{{{Merin}}}}

[Merin]

MA~ Thank you.. damn it's good to be understood.. you made me cry..

 

It's funny you would say that venting is a good thing.. I actually just had a friend the other day who told me he had made an observation about me.. I tend to suck things up.. absorb them and leave them there.. probably part of what my problem is I dunno..

 

I didn't hear from my BF last night (if he is still my BF) and I sat wondering today how we could go from "I Love you Merin" last Saturday to this.. beyond my capacity of understanding I guess. So yeah.. I'll be keeping busy.. hitting the gym this afternoon and letting my mind wander.. hopefully not to far LOL I would hate for it to get lost.. ugh!

 

Thanks for letting me into the club MA! ::Takes the T-shirt:: HEY! Is this an extra small MA?

 

Yay for Boobs!

 

Moi~ I appreciate your perspective.. I wish I believed that he was just wanting to do something for me.. but I trust myself enough in this to know.. that isn't the case here.. and honestly IF he really wanted to give me something that meant a lot.. it wouldn't have costed anything.. peace of mind, the feeling that he's there for me, and the security that I can trust him no matter what. I would like to say that I'll keep hoping for the best.. but yeah. IF he decides he wants to call me and talk, I'm more than willing to hear what he has to say.. but I don't look for it.

 

Sooo.. uh... Moi.. a new guy friend for you uh? LOL care to share more? :Merin is so damn nosey!: I hope it's going well for you

 

Otter~ For Valentines day girl I want to give you something.. but how do you give to someone the idea that they are an amazing person.. you're so hard on yourself..

Yeah.. I do think he flaked out on me over his habit.. but IF it's a dealbreaker for him that he smokes and I don't.. then I guess in the bigger picture of things if it had not been this.. it would have been something else. My EXH couldn't keep it in his pants.. not that he didn't want me too.. or want me to bang his friends, because that was HIS THING.. and funny it turned out to be a dealbreaker that I wasn't down for it and he didn't want to stop.. so yeah.. I ended it. My EXBF.. dealbreaker.. he controlled and lied and cheated.. again all HIM.. but yeah.. I'm not about it.. so I ended it.

 

The thing with my BF now is that his smoking wasn't a dealbreaker for me.. it's not being able to trust him, or feel he has my back that is the dealbreaker..

 

MA~ Again.. thank you..

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by Merin

Thanks for letting me into the club MA! ::Takes the T-shirt:: HEY! Is this an extra small MA?

 

 

Wha? How di..!?

 

 

Who put...!?

 

Damn, I gues it IS extra small.

 

And look we don't have any other sizes left!

 

 

Have a great day, Merin!

 

YAY4(.)(.)!!

[Merin]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

Wha? How di..!?

 

 

Who put...!?

 

Damn, I gues it IS extra small.

 

And look we don't have any other sizes left!

 

 

Have a great day, Merin!

 

YAY4(.)(.)!!

 

 

Love ya a** MA

[moimeme]

Sooo.. uh... Moi.. a new guy friend for you uh? LOL care to share more? :Merin is so damn nosey!: I hope it's going well for you

 

That's "I had", Merin. Past tense. That was quite the situation. It'd be too long to tell and makes no sense to me yet. He treated me like a queen and was loving and kind to me. But that was it. Was my constant companion and everyone was convinced we were lovers but the only intimacy he wanted was the emotional sort. The real kicker was that when he found himself a lover, he still wanted to keep me around to fulfil his emotional intimacy needs!!! He figured you could parcel out relationships and have different needs met by different people!

 

Anyway, back to the thread. I hope you're wrong and that it works out for you but it sounds like you have one of those wretched gut feelings that's probably correct. Damn.

[Israfil]

Originally posted by moimeme

The real kicker was that when he found himself a lover, he still wanted to keep me around to fulfil his emotional intimacy needs!!! He figured you could parcel out relationships and have different needs met by different people!

 

Anyway, back to the thread. I hope you're wrong and that it works out for you but it sounds like you have one of those wretched gut feelings that's probably correct. Damn.

 

((((Moi))))

 

I'm sad to hear this. Oh well, good riddance - sounds like he was a wack job anyway. I know it still hurts, though. Hang in there.

 

Moi, you are so right about gut feelings, though. (I should have listened to my gut years ago!)

 

Merin, go with your gut on this one. Don't look for empirical evidence or try to over analyze. Go with your feelings, your instincts.

 

And yeah, MA, none of this sh*te is gender specific. We like to think that men and women are so different, but getting burned is getting burned. Ultimately, I think we are more alike than we are apt to admit.

[moimeme]

I know it still hurts, though. Hang in there.

 

Thanks very much, Israfil. Not to worry; that was a few years and another relationship ago. He had some good points, yes, but he also wasn't very good at honesty so while it was good in some ways, I'm much better off not in a relationship with him. Dishonesty is my deal-breaker so I cut him off without too much regret. He fibbed more out of cowardice than out of malice but that was still behaviour I don't need in my life.

 

Don't look for empirical evidence

 

My only caveat on this is that once in a while, baggage can masquerade as intuition. So I think empirical evidence is necessary to back up the gut feeling. But when you have both, pay attention.

[Israfil]

Originally posted by moimeme

... I think empirical evidence is necessary to back up the gut feeling. But when you have both, pay attention.

 

Good point! I suppose, at least in my experience, when you have a gut feeling, and you go looking, you will almost always find something.

[Devildog]

Okay Merin, where do we need plane tickets to?

 

I'm sorry things aren't working the way you were hoping for.

 

Does this mean you are on the market again?

 

You look good in the xtra small shirt.

 

Sorry, my 3 year old is helping me type, she want's to see the green smilie now.

[Devildog]

Okay, my DevilPup is taking a nap so I can kind of catch up and expand on things.

 

Merin, D@mn it girl. I am so sorry this is happening to you. You don't deserve this.

 

I wonder if those of us here, the ones who have analyzed things the way we have can ever have a relationship with "normal folks" again. We have grown and gained so much insight that others just can't reach our expectations. I just don't know.

 

If it was a surprise for you, knowing about the trust issues, I would have said "I don't want to tell you what is going on, it is a surprise, and I hope you will love it" if it was something along those lines. But based on his actions, I think it was something sinister. I'm sorry. But it is his loss. He is the one who wasted his opportunity to have someone as wonderful as you.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by Israfil

And yeah, MA, none of this sh*te is gender specific. We like to think that men and women are so different, but getting burned is getting burned. Ultimately, I think we are more alike than we are apt to admit.

 

Good LORD! I just used that EXACT sentence in an email to my ex!!!

 

And I quote:

 

"We are vastly different people [name],but when it comes to the girls, I believe we are more similar than you are willing to admit."

 

 

So Isra, have we set a date yet?

[Merin]

Originally posted by Devildog

Okay, my DevilPup is taking a nap so I can kind of catch up and expand on things.

 

Merin, D@mn it girl. I am so sorry this is happening to you. You don't deserve this.

 

I wonder if those of us here, the ones who have analyzed things the way we have can ever have a relationship with "normal folks" again. We have grown and gained so much insight that others just can't reach our expectations. I just don't know.

 

If it was a surprise for you, knowing about the trust issues, I would have said "I don't want to tell you what is going on, it is a surprise, and I hope you will love it" if it was something along those lines. But based on his actions, I think it was something sinister. I'm sorry. But it is his loss. He is the one who wasted his opportunity to have someone as wonderful as you.

 

Thanks DevilDog.. yeah it's been kind of a long sh*tty day.

 

Got to the gym though.. yay me! LOL my a** is on fire right now and ab's are sore as crap (note to self.. don't work out when pissed off.. ugh LOL)

 

I dunno DD.. I've given this so much thought.. (more than I should probably.. and really more than he obviously deserves) thought about calling him.. but damn I can't.. to me it says (once again) it's okay to sh*t on me and okay to make me question his honesty.. That isn't a message I need or want to give.. besides.. because of my nature at this point.. I really would rather die then call now..

 

He is also a stubborn person.. but yeah, I think if I meant that much to him he wouldn't have let me leave his house last night on the note I did.. I wasn't happy (I didn't cry.. shiiiittt honestly thats kind of sad.. I don't think I have tears left for anyone anymore) but he knew I was upset.. he didn't call to see IF I was okay.. IF I got home okay.. nothing.. so I spent a good part of my day commiserating with my friends and my sister (who if you can believe it or not actually has more issues than me... doh!) I don't think she heard a word I said.. ugh!

 

My outlet as always.. the gym.. sad, sad, sad!

 

DD.. I wonder and thing to much.. look to myself you know? WTF is wrong with me.. I try to be objective.. was I wrong here? Is this my problem? Did I make to much of this?

 

BUT I know..

 

Bah!

 

A 3 year old for you DD? Aweeeee lol my "baby" is 4.. love her little a**!!!!!!

 

Hope you've had a good weekend DevilDog.. btw.. if you're not in the USMC anymore, what do you do?

[Devildog]

Originally posted by Merin

I dunno DD.. I've given this so much thought.. (more than I should probably.. and really more than he obviously deserves) thought about calling him.. but damn I can't.. to me it says (once again) it's okay to sh*t on me and okay to make me question his honesty.. That isn't a message I need or want to give.. besides.. because of my nature at this point.. I really would rather die then call now..

 

He is also a stubborn person.. but yeah, I think if I meant that much to him he wouldn't have let me leave his house last night on the note I did.. I wasn't happy (I didn't cry.. shiiiittt honestly thats kind of sad.. I don't think I have tears left for anyone anymore) but he knew I was upset.. he didn't call to see IF I was okay.. IF I got home okay.. nothing.. so I spent a good part of my day commiserating with my friends and my sister (who if you can believe it or not actually has more issues than me... doh!) I don't think she heard a word I said.. ugh!

 

Merin, in the past, how much pain could you have saved yourself by following your gut instinct early on? How many times has your gut instinct been wrong? I don't think it is wrong in this case. Huge red flag with neon lights there. I don't think you should waste anymore time or tears for him.

 

DD.. I wonder and thing to much.. look to myself you know? WTF is wrong with me.. I try to be objective.. was I wrong here? Is this my problem? Did I make to much of this?

 

No, absolutely not. There is nothing wrong with you. You have just been burned enough times to know to pull your hand out of the fire before you get burned. It will take a special guy to really make you happy and comfortable. And you deserve that. Don't settle for less than that.

 

A 3 year old for you DD? Aweeeee lol my "baby" is 4.. love her little a**!!!!!!

 

Hope you've had a good weekend DevilDog.. btw.. if you're not in the USMC anymore, what do you do?

 

Yeah, she is such a little blast. I can hardly keep up with her sometimes. Always wants to play, curious. I just can't get enough of her. She is just so much fun. And is such a little clone of me too Cute as anything that has ever existed. Smart and stubborn.

 

I'm having a great weekend with her.

 

I have a very boring job doing Mainframe scheduling. Doesn't that sound glamorous? You just get all the chicks when you spill that info in a bar.

[Merin]

Originally posted by Devildog

Merin, in the past, how much pain could you have saved yourself by following your gut instinct early on? How many times has your gut instinct been wrong? I don't think it is wrong in this case. Huge red flag with neon lights there. I don't think you should waste anymore time or tears for him.

 

 

 

No, absolutely not. There is nothing wrong with you. You have just been burned enough times to know to pull your hand out of the fire before you get burned. It will take a special guy to really make you happy and comfortable. And you deserve that. Don't settle for less than that.

 

 

 

Yeah, she is such a little blast. I can hardly keep up with her sometimes. Always wants to play, curious. I just can't get enough of her. She is just so much fun. And is such a little clone of me too Cute as anything that has ever existed. Smart and stubborn.

 

I'm having a great weekend with her.

 

I have a very boring job doing Mainframe scheduling. Doesn't that sound glamorous? You just get all the chicks when you spill that info in a bar.

 

Why do I constantly check myself DD?

 

Sheesh! Let's hang out DD okay? LOL I need a voice of reason saying "You're okay Merin" f*cked up uh?

 

My little people.. Little mini Merins for real! LOL hmmm... is that good? Ever think to yourself when you look at your little person.. that IS your reason? Sometimes for me.. it's all I've got.. well that and boobs LMAO JK JK JK!!!!

 

You know what else DD? I have an uncanny knack for breaking up right at a major holiday.. LMAO wtf!

Divorce~ On my birthday

Last break up~ Right before Christmas

This one~ Valentines day.. not that it would've mattered.. he told me on Friday he doesn't "do valentines day"

[Devildog]

It's human nature to blame ourselves when things don't go right. Shows you are still normal. In fact, it is the more mature route. How many poeple get dumped or break off a relationship and just say "that person is a jerk and doesn't know what he lost"? You have analyzed and considered what you did if you deserved this. That is the mature thing to do, to take on any blame you might deserve, and you probably take on even more than your share of the blame. I know I did, and still do.

 

Sheesh! Let's hang out DD okay? LOL I need a voice of reason saying "You're okay Merin" f*cked up uh?

 

Hmm, your bedroom or mine? I know we could have a great time hanging out together.

 

Maybe I should just make a recording of me saying wonderful things about you that you can listen to whenever you start to doubt yourself.

 

My little people.. Little mini Merins for real! LOL hmmm... is that good? Ever think to yourself when you look at your little person.. that IS your reason? Sometimes for me.. it's all I've got.. well that and boobs LMAO JK JK JK!!!!

 

You know what else DD? I have an uncanny knack for breaking up right at a major holiday.. LMAO wtf!

Divorce~ On my birthday

Last break up~ Right before Christmas

This one~ Valentines day.. not that it would've mattered.. he told me on Friday he doesn't "do valentines day"

 

To tell you the truth Merin. She is the reason I am still here on this planet. She is the thing that got me to never give up, and to keep fighting. She is the reason I could'nt hurt myself.

 

Doesn't do Valentines Day? WTF? Maybe if you had been together 30 years or so, and were completely aware of the depths of each other's love I could understand that. But the first Valentine's Day? Should be big.

[Yikes]

Originally posted by Merin

Ever think to yourself when you look at your little person.. that IS your reason? Sometimes for me.. it's all I've got.. well that and boobs LMAO

 

I tell ya, I think that all the time... except for the boobs part.

 

Sometimes I wish my kids were little again. They're at the ages where they are getting so independent. Friends, homework, dance, paper route.

 

Oh well, better go check the laundry, I have to have them back to my ex in a couple hours. Man I HATE every other Sunday night.

 

Toodles.

[Israfil]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

Good LORD! I just used that EXACT sentence in an email to my ex!!!

So Isra, have we set a date yet?

 

Great minds think alike!

 

*sulking - realizing its Valentine's Day*

 

wait!

 

MA - Will YOU be my Valentine??

[MassiveAtom]

Israfil,

 

 

I'm yours!

[Mz. Pixie]

Hey all-

 

Checking in! Merin....................how are you?

 

I am so sorry that this has happened to you.

 

No, you are not asking too much!

 

IMO- you got a sitter, which is a big deal, and he blew you off for whatever? If it were something special for you he should have said something like that.

 

Did I read it incorrectly or did you think we was doing weed in front of one of your little people?? That would be a BIG no no for me.

 

Personally, I've never done drugs and wouldn't tolerate it in a man. But, if you're willing to cool. Blowing you off for that is another matter!!!

 

Give us a update today as to if anything happened yet???

[Merin]

Whew.. well everyone made it through Valentines day uh? LOL ya'll good to go? Everyone okay?

 

DevilDog.. again.. Mad to ya! Thank you, more than you know...

 

Yikes.. Yay for the wee peeps!

 

MA.. Damn I liked your avatar heart!!

 

Mz. P... Thank you Girl..

 

UPDATE

 

Well, He called me around 5 p.m on Sunday night.. said he was calling to let me know he has a bacterial infection (he had a vasectomy done a few weeks ago) I had been telling him for the longest that he needed to see the Doc.. but uh.. yeah.. he wasn't listening to me.

 

Anyway.. he then told me he was very sorry for how he had behaved, that he was an a**hole and if I didn't want to talk to him again he would understand, but he hoped I would give him another chance... I asked him what he had been doing on Sat night.. as I suspected.. he was going to *pick something up* ugh!

 

Ms. P.. NO he doesn't smoke in front of my little people, or his.. he doesn't smoke in front of me either.. he knows I don't, so I think it makes him feel uncomfortable...

 

Anyway.. we talked for awhile on Sunday I was going to my sisters so.. anyway. He called again before he went to bed on Sunday night and told me again, he was sorry.. that he doesn't want to loose me..

 

Monday (yesterday) he called me at work.. he had to go back into the Docs for recheck.. I took him in the afternoon.. they had to put a needle in there (ooouuuccchhh) and gave him antibiotics... he has to be off work for the rest of the week...

 

Valentines day stuff... I did give him what I had got him.. nothing much.. lol typical Vday stuff I suppose...

He felt like a **** for not getting me anything.. and told me so.. I confirmed for him that yeah, I thought it was ****ty too!

 

So he said for Valentines day because he didn't get me flowers.. he would take me to Mexico for vacation next month...

 

Uhhhhh... damn! I dunno you guys.. I'm scared... feel like I'm jumping at shadows again in some ways..

 

Thank you guys for being here for me though...