Ladyjane14 Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 This thread is like "group therapy". I have nothing pertinant to add though, so I'll just be cheering you on from the side-lines. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 I remember MA in the other thread saying he can't imagine marrying again. Neither can I, I doubt I will, although I am willing to venture that I might live with someone for the rest of my life, I'm just not willing to shell out 90 bucks for a license, nor will I endure another idiotic day in a fluffy white dress. I am, as far as I know, the only bride who snuck away from her wedding to hide out in the honeymoon suite to smoke a joint and put flip-flops on under her dress. I can't blame my ex so much. He was all f*cked up in the head about his DEA issues and going to federal prison. He pulled away from me, I had a miscarriage and then was diagnosed with epilepsy, everything came crashing down and it felt like I was riding a wave that I had no control over. I mean, after we parted, I was very willing to go over every detail of how he hurt me. Now, honestly, I just don't remember any more. I remember a lot of what I did, raised catholic and guilty of everything as I am, but his transgressions seem pale to me now. I am afraid of trusting someone again because I know how wonderful it feels, and I am afraid of letting myself feel that and losing it again. To think that I could love as completely as I did and then to have it just wither away and die like the orchid he gave me for our last anniversary...makes me lose faith in humanity in general. Why do I feel like we are a nation of emotionally crippled individuals? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yikes Posted February 10, 2005 Author Share Posted February 10, 2005 Hey LJ! How's it goin'? Like my website idea? We could also post photos of guys that are just best to avoid. Gotta try to find the humor. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Originally posted by MassiveAtom It's not too much to ask Dd. It's just too much to ask of her. I know That there are women out here that WANT to be loved by me, heck some want to be ravaged by me. But then there are the women that want to love me, they are who I need to find. You too! X told me that I wanted a mother. HA! PLEASE don't be my mom! I want a friend, compadre, confidante, and lover. Sure as hell can't be oedipal about this now can I ?!? Dd, As one of the "angels" told me, Your X has made a very bad mistake. She screwed up your life, don't let her screw up your future. LEt another come to try and win your heart. Make it intense, make her work for that golden heart of yours. Make her WANT what you have to offer. THEN let her in. but take you time. yeah, I'm still sad about Merin, I had such hopes for her But you know, if I got over my ex-wife, I'll get over her too. I only want her to be happy. I wish her the best. Whoa! That really helped. MA MA.. to you.. I want to share something with you I heard on the radio this morning on my way into work.. yeah it's a cheesy a** way of looking at things.. but I'm going to share anyway because I thought about you when I heard it.. "Choosing a mate should be like choosing a nice piece of art that you love.. it should grab you instantly, although it may look pricey you choose it and you know exactly where you want it.. you choose the frame for it and display it for everyone to look at.. you're excited about it and want all your family and friends to see it" THE PROBLEM in this is To many people walk around with the FRAME first.. looking for an amazing piece of art to *Fit into thier frame* Well, it made sense at 6 a.m this morning.. LOL DevilDog.. I met your physical preferences? I'm flattered!! LOL I know I've told you before DD.. but Marines.. LOL yeah.. I'm not kidding.. Merins a sucker for a man in uniform.. and the USMC? I'm happy DevilDog that you WANT to let someone new into your life.. don't let fear drive you the way it did me... Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Well, most of them any way Merin. I like the cute look. You seem to be more the gorgeous look. Sorry. Your advice seems to be not to have requirements. I think going with what caught our eyes instead of meeting our needs is what has most of us guys here in the first place. If I had been more stubborn about finding someone that met my emotional expectations I probably would have never married my STBXW. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Originally posted by Devildog Well, most of them any way Merin. I like the cute look. You seem to be more the gorgeous look. Sorry. Your advice seems to be not to have requirements. I think going with what caught our eyes instead of meeting our needs is what has most of us guys here in the first place. If I had been more stubborn about finding someone that met my emotional expectations I probably would have never married my STBXW. My advice isn't to NOT have requirments at all.. sorry if it came across that way.. What I was saying (or trying to say.. uh.. yeah it did make more sense this morning when I was thinking things through) is this.. DON'T have the *Frame* and walk around trying to make *a piece of art* FIT into the frame.. if it doesn't fit, it's going to look like sh*t and you're going to want to put it in the closet, spakle the huge hole you put into the wall to hang it.. cover it up and look for another piece.. of art LOL YES you most definately need to know what's going to be okay for you and find a suitable partner that meets those NEEDS.. we all from time to time tend to put aside what we NEED and settle for what we WANT (at that moment) When I married my EXH.. he didn't fit into what I NEEDED.. and I knew that BEFORE We even started dating.. I wasn't what he NEEDED either.. we were/are very different people.. then I went to the opposite extreme of my EXH when I met my EXB.. but I allowed fear to drive me.. he WANTED me.. and I wanted to be NEEDED not just wanted.. in some ways I guess he did feel he needed me.. but it wasn't in the way I feel you should *need* someone else.. Now I'm just rambling.. LOL sorry. The cute look uh? Well.. Thank you anyway.. I did take it as a compliment Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Ladies have issues too guys!! Trust me. No, it's not true, at least in my case that women only want to date men who are single or never married. Nor do all women want to date men who have money and will be their sugar daddy. Just like all men are not only just interested in super model types. As far as the sex issues go- are my thighs too big, what will he think about my butt, what about my breasts?? Are they as big/little/small/firm/soft as he likes them. What did his last girlfriend look like nude (and I say this because BF has dated models and a Hawaiian Tropic finalist before me) What if I don't come and he asks me?? Should I fake? I don't want to fake! If I do fake can he tell (probably not) What if he freaks out after sex and thinks I want a committment. What if he never calls me again? What if he's cheating or playing me? After being married for 13 years sure I was scared. What can I tell you except that I figured based on what I knew about this guy so far that I was willing to take a chance. It helped that come to find out a girl that worked for me her best friend dated him for two years before he got married. I didn't know that when we first started going out though so I was going on impression. BF's wife cheated for 18 months and ended up PG with the other guys kid before they were divorced. Next serious girlfriend borrowed money that she didn't pay back- wouldn't make a committment- and possibly had group sex he found out later during their relationship. Issues much?? Then, he meets me and I'm separated?? Not even fully divorced?? Let me tell you- we are both ALL about getting answers to any possible issues! He's asked me everything including "Would you have lost sexual desire for your husband if he wouldn't have gained all the weight and treated you right" We've also discussed what's the best way to let your partner know you're interested in sex that night- who should plan dates during the marriage, finances, yada yada. There are BENEFITS as well to dating someone who's been there done that. We both know what we want and what we don't want. He was very scared at first, because he was falling for me fast and hard by normal standards. We decided to throw standards out the window and focus on what we felt was right for us. He can be at times insecure and he requires assurance sometimes but I do too. That's not a turn off for me. It's nice to know that women aren't the only ones who have issues in that area. He's dated more than me since his divorce, and he was worried about being the rebound guy. He was scared that I would want to play the field because I'd been married for so long. Things are so good between us none of that was even a consideration. The thing is don't settle for less than you deserve. We both were very clear what we wanted and the fact that we both brought alot to the table. We're both consistently amazed at how the other exceeds their expectations. You three guys are just amazing to me. Such intelligence, compassion, humor in all three of you. Any lady would be lucky to have any one of you. Don't sell yourself short just because the first one didn't treat you as you deserved. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Men have the strangest, most random preferences when it comes to physical appearance! I dunno about not having expectations. I need them. I have a checklist of dealbreakers, if you have one, you get dumped, period. My mother always said, never marry someone you are in love with. Marry someone who is a good friend, partner, good provider, will make pretty babies, who is loyal and faithful and honest. All these things, love makes it confusing and complex. I wonder lately if she's right. I wish desperatley I wasn't so terrified of intimacy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yikes Posted February 10, 2005 Author Share Posted February 10, 2005 Hey Devil Dog, You must have missed this. I thought that you and MA would have been all over this one like fungus on a damp basement. "Maybe we need to create a new website with the pictures of all of the women that it best to just avoid." Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter Men have the strangest, most random preferences when it comes to physical appearance! I dunno about not having expectations. I need them. I have a checklist of dealbreakers, if you have one, you get dumped, period. My mother always said, never marry someone you are in love with. Marry someone who is a good friend, partner, good provider, will make pretty babies, who is loyal and faithful and honest. All these things, love makes it confusing and complex. I wonder lately if she's right. I wish desperatley I wasn't so terrified of intimacy. My Dad always told me to find my best friend and then marry him.. his reasoning.. you might leave your lover, but you would never leave your best friend.. BUT LOL I think he's wrong I dunno Otter.. I don't want to get married again.. mad props to those who can do it and want to do it.. but IMO a piece of paper isn't going to make things any better or different in the bigger picture of things.. Intimacy is scary.. it's letting someone else close enough that they could strike.. and I think once you've gone through a bad REALLY bad relationship.. it brings in the *flinch factor* someone gets to close.. you flinch and blink.. waiting for them to hurt.. it sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 I love my bestfriend too much to inflict my issues on him, hahaha. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter I love my bestfriend too much to inflict my issues on him, hahaha. I hear ya sista! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yikes Posted February 10, 2005 Author Share Posted February 10, 2005 Originally posted by Mz. Pixie You three guys are just amazing to me. Such intelligence, compassion, humor in all three of you. Any lady would be lucky to have any one of you. Don't sell yourself short just because the first one didn't treat you as you deserved. Awe shucks. Great post by the way. Everyone is physically put together a little differently. Chances are if he's in bed with you, he likes what he saw already and you have no major worries. (unless the guy is a total prick, but hopefully you've done your homework) I think that my comrades would agree that the "expectation to perform" is HUGE. It causes us great anxiety. We also have the rest of the insecurities as far as the physical characteristics go. What about insecurity? Is it true that if a woman even senses the least bit of a stink of insecurity, it's the kiss of death? Some of us have some real confidence issues (I am one). Do you ladies factor in the fact that a guy may be recovering from total confidence anialation? This might account for a little "goofyness" at times or are you smart enough to see right past it. Inquiring minds want to know. Great posts ladies, your stuff is golden. Link to post Share on other sites
MassiveAtom Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Originally posted by Devildog Seriously? Was my wife a bigamist? Wait, I was reading a book on Quantum Consciousness, Spirtual understanding of current beliefs about the nature and construction of the Cosmos, while I was rereading "Relativity" and the Quran -She said "Why are you wasting your time with that ridiculous nonsense!" This is clearly the same woman! She's a shape changer!! She must be stopped! Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Originally posted by Yikes Awe shucks. Great post by the way. Everyone is physically put together a little differently. Chances are if he's in bed with you, he likes what he saw already and you have no major worries. I think that my comrades would agree that the "expectation to perform" is HUGE. It causes us great anxiety. We also have the rest of the insecurities as far as the physical characteristics go. What about insecurity? Is it true that if a woman even senses the least bit of a stink of insecurity, it's the kiss of death? Some of us have some real confidence issues (I am one). Do you ladies factor in the fact that a guy may be recovering from total confidence anialation? This might account for a little "goofyness" at times or are you smart enough to see right past it. Inquiring minds want to know. Great posts ladies, your stuff is golden. When I met my BF he was actually to shy to come speak to me first.. he watched me all night, made eye contact with me etc.. but I spoke to him first.. BUT I also told him when he asked for my number and I quote "You can have my number but don't wait for the 3 days to show an interest, I'm not down for the mind games.. so if you like me cool.. let me know.. if not okay was nice to have met you" he has always said he likes the fact that I'm a bold girl.. On the flip side.. everyone has insecurity.. and actually I've talked to him about this.. he has told me he is the insecure one in our relationship.. but wierd.. because he hides it so well.. he does get goofy at times.. but honestly Yikes.. it's one of the things I love the most about him.. he feels okay to be that way with me.. and that to me is cool. Link to post Share on other sites
MassiveAtom Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Originally posted by Devildog Well, most of them any way Merin. I like the cute look. You seem to be more the gorgeous look. Sorry. Your advice seems to be not to have requirements. I think going with what caught our eyes instead of meeting our needs is what has most of us guys here in the first place. If I had been more stubborn about finding someone that met my emotional expectations I probably would have never married my STBXW. CAN I GET A AMEN!? Look out now! Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 I think I posted a bit about the insecurity in my thread above. To me, it's not a turnoff. I don't want a guy that's a total whiner- don't get me wrong but a little insecurity is not a bad thing in my book. I dont' want a guy who thinks he's totally got me and no matter what he does I won't go anywhere. That is the mistake STBXH made. BF needs reassurance every once in a while- because of everything he's been through. I can tell when he needs it by things he says. The other night I was venting about how hard this divorce is on the kids and how I feel like a total loser sometimes because my marriage failed, even though I know it wasn't all my fault. He's laying there and he says "Well, the only thing I know of to fix all of that would be go to back to him. Is that what you want? Because if so you need to let me know" So, of course I said no because I don't. The thing is, you will find someone who will hate what you've been through and understand and be willing to go that extra distance with you as well. To me, he's worth all of that- and he was worth the bit of distance he put up in the beginning. I have to tell you though, he didn't fight to hard or too long. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Insecurity. I think most people have it, especially when they are beginning a new relationship. If a man is insecure because of a previous relationship, the lady should be understanding of that. She should try to reassure him and show him respect, show him empathy, show him that she has been in the same position. (Of course the roles could be reversed.) I guess what I'm trying to say is that if the other person isn't willing to listen and be patient, then he/she probably isn't the right person to begin with. You want someone who is going to care down the road, so if they don't in the beginning they won't improve. That's why, in my old-fashioned way, there is a reason for dating and getting to know someone before you get too carried away. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 I'm still obviously hormonally imbalanced. I am a hornball. I love to have sex, climax easily, and end up regretting the whole dang thing about 2 days later. Link to post Share on other sites
Israfil Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 MA: Every time I would delve deeper into quantum mechanics, String theory, Marry me??? Merin: Step Two.... 2) Once you get past step one, don't settle for less than that 3) Once you're past 1 and 2 check yourself and make sure you're not settling for less out of fear 4) Don't rush in 5) Don't rush out *sigh* if only I were as wise as Merin…. I need to take your advice to heart! MA: Funny thing though, what I learned about sharing from "N" is that you should expect for her to use it against you. SO , well, now I have intimacy issues. But I still want to trust someone and reach the stage of being "in-tight" with a woman. Blind_otter: I wish desperatley I wasn't so terrified of intimacy I hear you both. I am really afraid of emotional intimacy. After having had my heart bludgeoned from lies and deceit, through both actions and words, I am finding it very hard to be emotionally intimate with anyone. Its like the pain is too much. How can we ever open ourselves up to that kind of potential pain again? When I am with people, its like I only let them see a small part of me. I’m too afraid to expose the rest. Yikes: What about insecurity? Is it true that if a woman even senses the least bit of a stink of insecurity, it's the kiss of death? Some of us have some real confidence issues (I am one). Do you ladies factor in the fact that a guy may be recovering from total confidence anialation? This might account for a little "goofyness" at times or are you smart enough to see right past it. Inquiring minds want to know. I think initial insecurity is fine, especially when it comes to the relationship at the beginning. Everyone is cautious and afraid. Honesty here from a female perspective: If a person doesn’t have confidence in his abilities, his skills, his knowledge, his beliefs, his career, and his sexuality, it is a bit of a turn off. I need to know that my potential mate is (on the whole) secure within himself. (And inversely I want to be secure within myself). I think this is necessary in order to truly give to others. Of course everyone has emotional vulnerabilities every once in a while, but I need to know that my potential mate has the ability to solve his own problems. We both need to be there to carry each other when we need it, but we must be our own person coming into the relationship. Yikes, it is my opinion that you have to be whole before you can really start again. We have to love ourselves, mend ourselves, before we can give to others, truly give. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 In a man, I definatley appreciate self-confidence. Insecurity I can understand, but I hate listening to someone bitch about EVERYTHING and be constantly down on themselves and say bad things about themselves. Also I hate it when they say "My ex used to...." blah blah blah. Link to post Share on other sites
Israfil Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter "My ex used to...." blah blah blah. sh*te Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Originally posted by Israfil sh*te Well admittedly I'm guilty of this, but more like in the context of, "I had to go to the State Attorney's office today, you remember that crazy ex I had that broke into my house" hahaha. I'm talking, "My ex really liked this restaurant" or "My ex was such a bitch about...." or "My ex and I used to....." that kinda thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Israfil Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter Well admittedly I'm guilty of this, but more like in the context of, "I had to go to the State Attorney's office today, you remember that crazy ex I had that broke into my house" hahaha. I'm so sorry! I'm talking, "My ex really liked this restaurant" or "My ex was such a bitch about...." or "My ex and I used to....." that kinda thing. guilty.... *hides head in paper bag* Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yikes Posted February 10, 2005 Author Share Posted February 10, 2005 Thanks everyone, great insight. I am actually quite comfortable with "me", "my kids","my career", my life is organized and in total control. I have dealt with and already grieved over my failed marriage. I do not secretly want my wife back in any way shape or form. My kids doing great and I am happy with my "new and improved, simplified life", it is lonely, but it's safe. By nature, I am just not a huge risk taker and goin' down that road and letting someone close terrifies me. One day I am so angry with my ex for making me feel this way and the next I'm even more angry with myself for LETTING her make me feel this way. ARRRRR! Link to post Share on other sites
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