My Boyfriend Has a Disability

[brakco]

PS the children thing has already been addressed really well in this thread from what I've seen so I'm not going to comment on that.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

I just have two things to say..

 

1) I don't think u truly realise what is important in life.. As a poster above said (which happened to me too, I was also very materialistic & took things for granted) u have to go through **** to realise what is important & it is not travel or Botox it's happiness.. Friends, family etc x

 

2) There is NEVER a good time to have a child so u either want to do it or u don't.

 

x

[Keenly]

I'm not going to tell you what is or is not important in life, but I will tell you that in 5, 10, 15 years, your priorities will vastly shift.

[Radu]

I haven't read through all of these pages yet so I'm just going to respond to the OP's original post as best I can.

 

First of all, in my humble opinion, you are not "in love" with this man, Leigh. You are infatuated with the fact that he is smitten with you. I feel like this is an ego stroke for you and I'm only saying this because I have been there. I've suffered from low self esteem for most of my life and I used to latch on to men who would give me the time of day while also keeping my eyes open to other possibilities when questions such as the ones you're asking have arisen. I was around your age or younger and I was very naive.

 

I was also very materialistic. I made very good money for awhile and I wanted to travel, meet people, be beautiful, etc. etc. and for some time, I did.

 

Now, this next part doesn't directly relate to your situation but I'm going to mention it because it was a huge wake up call for me and also because, **** it, sometimes bad things happen.

 

My life went to ****. I don't need to detail how and why but let's just say I ended up homeless and without a dime to my name for quite some time. My priorities changed. It took me years of self examination and being single to figure out what I truly wanted. It wasn't until I was back on my feet and doing bottom of the barrel work before I found out what "love" and "happiness" truly means. I have dated winners, losers, models, celebrities, and none of it mattered in the end. The looks, the money - it's not what it's cracked up to be. I had to better myself and figure out WHO I WAS and what I REALLY wanted before I met the man I'm with now. And here's the thing. He's not perfect but he is to ME. He supports me, he loves me, he asks for so little and every action he does says so much. Also, he is not my entire world which the younger me would look for in every person I dated. He makes my world brighter and all around lovelier. I say all this because, if, GOD FORBID, he was in some horrible accident tomorrow and lost his mind, his limbs, ANYTHING AT ALL, I. WOULD. BE. THERE. FOR. HIM. There isn't a question in my mind about it. I love this man with every fiber of my being and not because he's "the best" or because he makes a lot of money or because he's "smitten" with me. I love him. It's very pure and simple and because I've experienced it first hand, I can tell by your post that you are not "in love" with your guy. This doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you "not ready".

 

Secondly, (or thirdly, please excuse my messy explanations. I'm not used to posting or writing this much on a forum) you HAVE GOT TO STOP PUTTING SO MUCH EMPHASIS ON HOW YOU LOOK AND HOW FULL YOUR LIPS ARE OR HOW STRAIGHT YOUR TEETH ARE.

 

I was a model for quite some time. I made money from my looks. I dated certain high profile people because of my looks. Well, guess what? LOOKS FADE. I'm now 33 and I have some crows feet. I have smile lines that weren't there even just a few years ago. I will never have the same body I had in my 20's. I'm also not putting money aside for Botox because, really, what's the ****ing point? Aging is beautiful. The people I keep close to me don't care about what I look like. They care about who I AM.

 

To sum this up, because I know I'm rambling now, you should not be with this man. Your priorities are not "messed up" necessarily. I don't disagree that you should put the things that are important to you first before settling down with anyone. But I also think it's pretty obvious that you should leave your boyfriend and work on just being SINGLE for awhile and doing your thing by yourself. Maybe, after you've figured out how that goes, then you can make a wise decision and find the person that is meant for you and visa versa. Right now you are planning a future that's so, so detailed, planned, laid out, etc. I've done that too. It doesn't always end up the way we want it to. So, let this guy go and please just do your thing without stringing someone else along while you make up your mind. I hurt a lot of people back in the day doing just that and in the end, it's not worth it.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

Beautifully said.

[kaylan]

You have no place telling me how I feel about my boyfriend.

 

I don't want to have kids if we are on low incomes. That is all. He even agrees with me.

 

I am super into my bf and what I am feeling is true love.

 

You date a man with a disability and walk a mile in my shoes before telling me that you even have a clue what I am going through.

 

Besides not wanting to have kids if we are both on a low income I don't see what the problem is.

All I am saying Leigh, is that we have seen this before with you. When posters are telling you things dont look good, and that maybe you should find someone more compatible...you end up making post, after post, after long post trying to convince us of what you feel and how everything can work.

 

Ok sure, have faith. But we are just being honest and objective from an outsiders perspective. Based on your personality, and based on your desires, I do not think you are capable of the long haul with a man who has a disability or a man of meager means.

 

The way you grew up, your past dating history, and the things youve said then and now, really lead me to believe that once the honeymoon phase is over, that you will get the Grass is Greener syndrome. Thats my honest assessment.

Edited April 18, 2014 by kaylan

[Leigh 87]

I am not sure what'll happen.

 

I know I don't want to end things right this second.

 

I honestly thought I was very in love with him, I have had two relationships before that lasted over 2.5 years.... I think I know what being in love is.

 

True love doesn't mean you want their kids. Some people are anti kid. Like me. I have always wanted to dedicate myself to altruism and help rescue dogs, I have wanted to give myself to the many needy people and animals around me. Bringing another human into the world that will cost me all my time and money, when I would rather give the money I DO make to others, makes NO SENSE to me.

 

I don't love him ENOUGH to be excited about having his kids. I don't think kids are "what the meaning of life is" at all. For some people, they are happier in life without kids.

 

I am not sure if I will ever want kids.

 

This alone is probably a reason to end it.

[Leigh 87]

And no I am NOT hanging onto him because he is "the only guy who has ever been smitten with me"

 

:lmao::lmao:

 

I don't think I am all that, I am being honest; I am not a desperate woman who has to latch on to the first man who is smitten with me:sick:

 

I also have chemistry with him and he is a wonderful person, and he thinks I am a wonderful person.

He would never leave me or do anything wrong by me. My happiness comes first.

 

Why leave a guy who I feel I am in love with? Do you not think that after 2 failed long term relationships lasting over 2 years each, that I would KNOW by now what true love is?

 

True love doesn't mean I would graciously accept having children with a man with limited earning potential.

[Leigh 87]

Guys I am on the fence, I agree with the points you are all making..

 

I will try to weigh up the pros and cons.

 

I DID have a set life planned. Due to my mental health issues and the fast I am very much a free spirit, I did sort of want to dedicate my life to altruism.

 

Not many people know this about me, but in addition to housing stray dogs, I have always wanted to foster children when I am a little older, and give them the best chance in life....

 

I pretty much want to dedicate my life to basically changing other peoples lives. It is just who I am and I am not sure that I SHOULD change for a man, and have kids children and.. yeah:(

 

 

 

 

I am telling my bf this all right now........

[spiderowl]

You don't sound in love with him any more. You talk about "his kids", not "our kids". There is already resentment there, despite the guy being loving and kind. I can understand your fears. As you have said, your feelings have changed. It is not your fault they have changed. If you don't particularly want kids soon, then a life of sacrifice in order to have them won't appeal at all. It really sounds like you are backtracking and wanting out of this. If you do, it's best to be honest with him and let him know that your feelings have changed. I suspect you are very short of calling for a 'break' or some 'space' to think things over. If you can't face this kind of future, then maybe it is best to opt out now and give him chance to meet someone going the same way as him. I feel for you both.

[Leigh 87]

I hate losing people. It is AWFUL.

 

Although I was glad to be rid of my ex, it was AWFUL mourning the loss of a person who I once loved and cared for like my own family. Who I was with every day nearly for over 2 years.

 

I still cried about having lost a "best friend", someone I loved as much as family, as recently as a few months ago, at the end of last year I was still upset about losing him from my life. I had no romance, just losing a person you were close to.

 

I think there is something seriously wrong with the fact I.... day dream about travelling the world, single and care free.... I should be even entertaining that thought if this was the love of my life, the man I would do ANYTHING for.

 

I mean, if he was the love of my life, surely I would be totally content with a low income and babies?

[kaylan]

I mean, if he was the love of my life, surely I would be totally content with a low income and babies?

Lol no. Just because you love someone a lot doesnt mean you have to be ok with living in poorness with kids. You and the guy are incompatible...but its not the kids thing that makes me doubt your emotions. Nor is it the salary thing. Its the way you spoke of him in your OP vs how you spoke of botox, traveling, and such.

 

Love is love....and I could love a woman deeply and still not be ok with poorness and having kids just for her sake. Id have to truly want kids myself, and truly be ok with a meager living. I dont expect people to change what they want in regard to supporting themselves and having kids, just because they love someone.

Edited April 18, 2014 by kaylan

[Leigh 87]

Lol no. Just because you love someone a lot doesnt mean you have to be ok with living in poorness and kids. You and the guy are incompatible...but its not the kids thing that makes me doubt your emotions.

 

 

 

What baffles me is, I have had two long term bfs before. I wasn't IN love with them but I loved them a great deal.

 

This guy felt different, like I was in love with him and he definitely is with me?

[kaylan]

What baffles me is, I have had two long term bfs before. I wasn't IN love with them but I loved them a great deal.

 

This guy felt different, like I was in love with him and he definitely is with me?

Sometimes its not meant to be, even if you feel you love someone. If its more important to you to travel, and get cosmetic procedures, than do that. But you and your bf have to be absolutely sure that he will be ok without having kids if you stay with him. I for one couldnt stop a woman from having kids just because my life plans got in the way of hers. Id find someone with similar goals. But thats just me.

 

 

Bein poor is a hardship...and being poor with kids is a hardship on the entire family. So I understand you with regards to kids and family. People would understand that easily. Not being able to have botox...not being able to globe trot...those arent hardships. So you can see why people here reacted the way they did when you give those as reasons to be iffy about this guy.

 

Lets also not forget that in your OP, you made it sound like you wouldnt enjoy being the bread winner. You gave me the feeling that even if you didnt have kids, that you would dislike making so much more money than him, and having to pay for a different percentage of things than him. Thats also why people criticized you here.

 

If you made this primarily a concern about kids and finances regarding a household, people will very much understand that. But you made a lot of reasoning about other things...as well as highlight your displeasure at being a provider since your boyfriend cant earn much.

 

I tend to fall for educated middle class women....but if a girlfriend made only 30k, and I was making 50k, I wouldnt worry about having to take care of her. If we decided to have kids, Id know for a fact she would pull her weight in the household. She did it before she met me and would do it when we were together. If I started dating her long term, I long ago decided I was ok with the money we would both be able to spend in a relationship.

 

Thats just me though. I take that stuff into account before getting serious with someone. If I had concerns about a womans income or ability to raise kids, I wouldnt get serious to begin with.

Edited April 18, 2014 by kaylan

[Leigh 87]

Well, at least you're honest about being a selfish and inconsiderate person. Let this guy go so he can find someone that actually loves him for him not a whiny woman with an exceptionally terrible dating history that thinks the world is all about botox, overseas travelling and rescue dogs.

 

 

 

What is the point in commenting?

[Leigh 87]

Leight...I think you're genuinely a good person, but sometimes, your superficiality just makes me want to weep.

 

All you wanted is a bloke who was smitten with you from day one. You got it. And it's still not enough.

 

 

 

 

It is enough.

 

I just don't want kids.

 

I thought I would be comfortable doing it "for him"

 

I have thought about all this. Since starting this thread.

 

I am comfortable with a man on a low income for life - he still works and he hates the idea of not working. It is not like he is a bum.

 

I am totally fine with a low income partner. I am not cool having children though.

 

Those are my thoughts at this stage.

 

He knows how I feel about kids.

[Lixxy]

If you're not in love with him, and you cannot see yourself with the future you want with him, what would be the use in pretending to yourself that it's what you want? Harsh as it sounds, you would be essentially guilt-tripped into a relationship (and possibly kids) with him if you feel you have to remain with him for his disability.

 

Get your botox girl, enjoy your overseas travelling, enjoy that life YOU want for YOUR self. There is nothing wrong with what you want.

 

Would it be a fairytale ending if you and he stuck it out and raised a lovely family and you ditched your current wants for him out of love? Sure! (er.. To some people, I guess, lol, to me it's most certainly not). But life is not a fairytale, and not everyone wants the same destiny. And you know what? That's fine.

[Leigh 87]

The thing about me is, I am the type of person who gives a lot of time and effort to people around me.

 

I let people stay in my flat whom I have only just met but count as friends; people who seem like decent people, I go out of my way to help them, let them crash here since it is only me living here (providing they are good to me and clean the place for the time they are here).

I let people cry on my shoulders whom I have just met; I invest a lot of energy and time into making other people feel good, as this is what gets me going on a personal level.

 

Having children is all about putting another person before you constantly.

 

I love helping people around me out, often; I just don't want to dedicate my LIFE to supporting ONE person. I want to be able to help MANY people around me, rather than just he one child. On a social workers salary and at he begging stages after I graduate I will SO NOT afford kids, much less kids AND to be able to continue doing nice things to people around me.

 

Now, I am FINE with being "that person" that everyone can rely on in times of need. I AM that person to many people. I am happy to give up my week to take care of a friend if they have suffered a break up or they are just depressed; no worries, if they are strapped for cash, they can crash here until they are back on their feet.

 

I am actually extremely generous, I just don't want to take the next level where you are responsible for a child.

Not to mention your child can be born with a profound disability, with cancer, a lot of awful things can happen.

 

I have always wanted to give the money I eventually make one day to other people.

I have a single mum whom I am good friends with; she had kids young and is on a pension with chronic pain but she does jobs whenever she is pain free.

She will NEVER have the money to travel or leave the country.

I am going to take her overseas with me one day and give her something she badly wants yet will NEVER afford herself.....

 

My boyfriend knows how I feel about kids, he really does. He seems to think that one of us will get a well paid job and we will be able to raise kids comfortably.

He thinks I will change my mind about kids.

Edited April 18, 2014 by Leigh 87

[Titania22]

Hey Leigh,

 

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have children, and wanting instead to enjoy your life and travel.

 

It's not selfish! In this modern world where the global population is outrageously high, and the environment is being destroyed by the minute, NOT having children is actually a gift to everyone. The amount of carbon footprint you will make in your comfortable life will be much less than the carbon footprint of you, your children and all your descendants put together. Not to mention the potential suffering of those descendants when the Earth is too screwed to still live on.

 

As for your guy, I don't doubt that things will unfold exactly as they are supposed to. If he keeps wanting kids alot, you might just have to let him go at some stage. If he really loves you, he will happily choose you, over his imaginary children.

 

And as for the person who said that sometime pregnancy just happens. We have this thing in Australia called abortion, you probably never heard of it.

[Leigh 87]

My boyfriend says he doesn't want kids THAT badly.

 

He said " I never said I wanted kids that badly"

" I just liked the idea of having a little me and a little you, something to be proud of"

He says he loves me enough to pick me over having children. IF he had to choose.

After all, I am totally fine with him remaining a low income earner, if anything happened to him I love him enough to look after him.

I realise how I feel and the only deal breaker is kids.

 

People here forget I have a mother who has financially supported my father since age 38. I actually know EXACTLY what it take to support a ill husband that cannot work at all.

It is the kids that I absolutely HATE the idea of.

 

We said we would re visit the situation after one year ish... If his desire to have kids grows exponentially to the extent where he would pick kids over me, so be it. We will part ways.

I am just very concerned that... so what, he chooses me over a life without kids in order to be with me.

That could be awful for him - even if he thinks he is over it, the having children, he may resent the decision.

 

Most people want kids and they cannot shake that intrinsic need, even if they are in love enough to overlook it.

[Leigh 87]

As to the people who commented on my supposedly "disasterous dating" history.

 

I don't think I have had a bad run. I have had two long term relationships lasting over two years where I lived with the men.

I supported them through joblessness, I saw them at their worst and I feel that I have gained a lot through having been through it.

I am an optimist and believe the relationships I have been in have aided me in making better decisions in the present. Hence why I am seriously considering a future with the current guy. HENCE WHY I have found a guy who adores me and who has more to offer me than my LAST PARTNERS.

 

I have had a hand full of guys who adored me who I didn't feel chemistry for yet were really decent men. One of them was well off, another made a good income.

I turned them down in spite of their money and looks because I am looking for passionate love, not a man who I feel platonic all platonic about:lmao: yet who is a 'nice guy' with money, and who adores me....

I have also dealt with sociopaths, mentally deranged dudes and players who lie and pretend to be into you in order to secure sex.

I consider myself to be fairly well rounded when it comes to dating and successful in my own opinion.

I really like my relationship past and I had more good times than bad with my exes.

And unlike the past, I am choosing to not overlook gut feelings and fundamental incompatibilities NOW, and drag things on when there will be impending doom.....

 

AT least I am at he stage where I can safely spot a guy who adores me and is super into me, and I have been through enough crap to bounce back if I encounter another douche who pretend to be into me in order to get sex...... I have bounced back without much ado. Because the pain is more manageable if you know it is 'Just part of dating".

 

I have very good gut feelings about my current boyfriend, I know it is possible but I sincerely doubt he will cheat or ... do anything bad. I feel he is 100% genuine.

 

You know, it is rare, based on my own observations, to find a man who you feel chemistry for, is a wonderful man, who adores you and is totally devoted AND who YOU also feel the "it" factor with.

All the men who have adored me in the past, I haven't felt chemistry with, I didn't want to kiss them EVEN though they were attractive. I just didn't feel "it" with them.

This is the first man I have ever met who felt it for me, who I ALSO felt it for AND who is a "nice guy"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I should think twice before throwing away a totally devoted man who I also feel the same way about MINUS the kids thing.

Edited April 18, 2014 by Leigh 87

[readynow]

Leigh

 

I haven't read the entire thread but I scanned through a few pages...

 

In the really olden days when empires were being formed, people didn't marry for 'love', they made real concrete plans that would benefit themselves, their families, their futures and their societies. In those days, marriages lasted till death. The part of the world where I'm from, our parents still advise us to follow that path and that 'love' is the icing on the cake. This is because the 'love' we feel while dating is just emotions and those fade. You want to marry someone who wants the same things as yourself under the same circumstances. Of course things go wrong - people stop feeling attracted, someone becomes abusive, cheats or (God forbid) get's broke...

 

I said all that to say this - You have VERY valid concerns and don't start convincing yourself otherwise:

 

1. You don't want kids - especially if you have a joint low income

2. You want to be able to still travel the world

3. You want to be able to afford a nice lifestyle

4. You want to be able to get botox once a year

 

In other words, you DON'T want to worry about money - which you will if you stay with and marry this guy (as wonderful as he is). You are working so hard now so that you can have the lifestyle you want in the future.

 

That is the way you want to live your life - and I dare say you probably will find a man who wants exactly those things and more! He may want to own a yatch and expand his business from 250 employees to 2000.

 

On the other hand, you may not - you may end up being alone because the men who find you attractive may not satisfy you sexually or they might not be committed to you etc. Then, what happens if you marry a perfect guy with tons of cash and he gets made disabled (paralyzed neck down) during a skiing trip at the Alps? And then all the money he had got squandered by his employees while he was in a coma for 4months? You'll have to deal with that too. Nothing is guaranteed in life.

 

At least now, you're not married yet. This is your time to date and let go of things that don't suit you to make way for things that do.

 

What you need to do is decide what is important to YOU now. Decide if you want to be a nurse to your man, you want to have kids, go overseas only once in 5years etc. If you want something different, please, don't think you're doing good by staying with him just because he is nice to you. The homeless guy on the corner of the street can be equally as handy with the bin bags as well as being good in bed.

 

If you decide that your life will not be as you like with this (wonderful) man, I think you should start to let him go NOW. Not tomorrow or next week, but start to cut it now. There are tons of women out there who are happy having 4 kids on a low income, who have no interest in flying all around the world, who would never even use lipstick let alone botox and who do not mind looking after a disabled man. He will not be alone and neither should you.

 

Don't settle my dear. Certainly don't have kids if you're not desperate for them: kids are not for the faint hearted!

 

Attempt to make your dreams come true - there are tons more stumbling blocks on the way - prepare yourself for those.

[Dark Holy]

I feel low. My girlfriend met a guy who is crazy about her and she is super smitten with him. He earns 70K a year and she is about to enter into 50K plus work.

....Sorry but I am not happy about a life where my friend and her partner will get to travel the world AND have kids, when hypothetically my bf and I would be stuck at home with kids, never able to leave the country due to his lo income...

 

 

This is a difficult time for you no doubt. Although your conscience will bother you (for good reason) I doubt anyone could seriously blame you for backing out.

 

But you have a serious problem here, and it's not your boyfriend's disability. It's your inability to live a life without comparing it to someone else's. The way you look longingly at your friend's life is a bit troubling. Also your obsession with money makes me roll my eyes a little. Sorry, just being honest.

 

I may have missed this, but how long have you been with him?

Edited April 18, 2014 by Dark Holy

[Leigh 87]

I don't need a lot of money.

 

I don't need a nice car or the best house in the best area.

 

I simply want overseas travel once every 2 to 3 year minimum.

 

Botox once a year when I turn 30. It's not that dear.

 

to rescue dogs and cats in my back yard.

 

On a professional income I'll afford that.

 

If my bf earns minimum wage he will pay for his own food and needs and he will simply not travel with me.

 

I don't think his minimum wage will hinder me traveling overseas or rescuing dogs....

[Ruby Slippers]

It is hard to find a person that's crazy about you who you are also crazy about.

 

I am just as crazy for him and that is rare to find. I don't want to screw it up just yet.

I agree that if you've found a guy who's crazy about you, and you're crazy about him, that's something to treasure, because from what I've experienced it is rare.

 

I've only experienced it once - but we had a strong point of conflict (his interfering family), which is what eventually drove me away.

 

Who knows if this will endure? Enjoy it as long as it lasts.

[Gaeta]

 

Botox once a year when I turn 30. It's not that dear.

.

 

I cannot let this one go by lol.

 

Leigh: I am 48 and look 38. I don't need botox, why in the world would you need it at 30? lol

 

The secret to looking young and fresh is no smoking, no alcohol, no laying under the son, water and plenty of sleep.

 

All my friends thought I was boring when in my 20s-and 30s cause I would not party, get drunk, smoke, and spent the night dancing. You should see what they look like now ! Revenge is s w e e t !!