Author Caliguy30 Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 Really trying to start NC today. Ugh it's going to be a long day.
Craft81 Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 You can definitely do it -- there will be plenty of urges to break that NC. Even at this very moment, I'm fighting a few of those urges to reach out to her and I know I CANNOT DO IT. Hang in there.
Author Caliguy30 Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 Thank you I'm really trying. It sucks to sit and wonder if they're even thinking about you. Every time we do this she always comes back it just hurts the ego to think she's not coming back this time. I know how hard it is for her being a part from me as when she cycles back to caring she'll want me to fill up her ego and I just want to remember that she'll never care about me how I deserve and it's all about her. I can live my own life I've been doing it for many years now I just need to get back to myself.
Craft81 Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Thank you I'm really trying. It sucks to sit and wonder if they're even thinking about you. Every time we do this she always comes back it just hurts the ego to think she's not coming back this time. I know how hard it is for her being a part from me as when she cycles back to caring she'll want me to fill up her ego and I just want to remember that she'll never care about me how I deserve and it's all about her. I can live my own life I've been doing it for many years now I just need to get back to myself. BPD's I believe do think about the other person -- but they are to into themselves to even reach out I suppose... I dunno, kind hard for me to explain it. My ex would eventually reach out and cry several rivers about how much she needed me and how I made an impact on her life. I do agree with her when I turned her life around when she was in her darkest hours, but even now, those things I did for her don't matter. I would bring them up and she wouldn't respond back to anything -- it was "so?" She's better than where she was two years ago, but she's slowly going back into her old habits -- and when i remind her of it, she flips out (tell her she needs to go back to rehab for drinking, etc etc) They become so detached to everyone but themselves that it's sickening. I know I'll never get closure and she'll never know how angry I am with her because she sees nothing wrong with her actions. She destroyed who I was as a person. She told me that me moving away at the end of this month would be good for "us" so she can work on "herself" -- then I find her with a new boyfriend a few days later.. even though she told me before that she doesn't want to date at all and wants to focus on her school studies etc. She doesn't care.. and your ex doesn't care at the moment either. They are very manipulative creatures and will use ANYONE, including family, to get what they want. Day 24 of NC so far.
Author Caliguy30 Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 Ugh that's exactly what mine does. She gets super upset whenever I bring up the things I've done for her and says so? I said thank you. She doesn't get it. She is so self involved. She tells me too that she doesn't want to be with someone, but I know that's not true. I think that's what hurts the most. When she wants attention and I don't give it to her she's going to seek it from someone else. 1
Craft81 Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Ugh that's exactly what mine does. She gets super upset whenever I bring up the things I've done for her and says so? I said thank you. She doesn't get it. She is so self involved. She tells me too that she doesn't want to be with someone, but I know that's not true. I think that's what hurts the most. When she wants attention and I don't give it to her she's going to seek it from someone else. Exactly. Knowing that she's getting attention or being affectionate with someone else than yourself... it's very sickening. Your ex is probably like mine... had probably a few dozen guys(and girls in my case too) to call if she needed something like that.. so easy for her.
Author Caliguy30 Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 It's really a terrible feeling. She says she's not with anyone, but who knows. I just want it all to go away. At this point I wish I had never met her, but I also understand this is a definite learning experience. Ugh it just hurts so badly to think she's with someone else or she'll never do the random cute things I remember about her. I guess I know I'll eventually have them with someone else.
ThatMan Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I would count on her being with someone. Most BPD'ers cannot handle being alone because of their constant fear of abandonment. She probably lined up another relationship long ago while being with you. So yes, absolutely count on her seeing other men. As a troubled person with BPD she'll feed you any information which will keep you under control. This is always about her and don't you forget it. She feels emotions so intensely to the exclusion of all else, which probably makes her the most selfish woman you'll ever meet. Her effort in assuring you of her single relationship status is merely a way to avoid the fear of abandonment in an attempt to control you. She used to be cute? All those random cute things likely meant nothing to her. Those with BPD do anything during the idealization phase that might leave you coming back for more. Downtown once told you that anger is a motivation behind gathering all the strength you need to walk away and never look back. There's a similar method often suggested: List all the reasons why this was a bad relationship. ASAP: Intimate Partner Violence - Healthy Relationships Checklist each item on this article and carefully think about the reasons why the relationship was toxic, abusive, you name it. I'm sharing this in hopes that you will refuse to lapse again. There are no happy endings with her. The only way this will end on a good note is if you reject abusive behavior. 3
Author Caliguy30 Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 Wow, I mean I really hope she isn't, but it's always a possibility. Sucks to have to be struggling so much knowing that's what could be going on already
lovelogic Posted April 17, 2014 Posted April 17, 2014 BPD is just a label people put on their ex. Nobody knows for sure unless the ex goes to a professional and they make a diagnosis. NC is the best for your sanity. Cut it out of your life and allow them to grow and improve. You should do the same. Only then will a reconciliation work.
Author Caliguy30 Posted April 17, 2014 Author Posted April 17, 2014 I completely disagree. While it's possible, after being so close to someone for so long and reading about BPD speaking to therapist. I'd say I'm not going to look at her and say she is it's not my place, but she portrays strong BPD traits. As for NC for reconciliation. I am sick and tired of being walked on and treated like my feelings don't matter. I don't want to reconcile I want to be away from this toxic situation.
Craft81 Posted April 17, 2014 Posted April 17, 2014 BPD is just a label people put on their ex. Nobody knows for sure unless the ex goes to a professional and they make a diagnosis. NC is the best for your sanity. Cut it out of your life and allow them to grow and improve. You should do the same. Only then will a reconciliation work. I politely disagree. I've had several ex girlfriends and none of them had BPD, except for my last ex. I didn't call the rest of my ex's "BPD" -- I still talk to a small handful these days.. the ones where we had actual "good" breakups and there was no malcontent towards one another. This last one, yes.. has BPD. Diagnosed by a doctor and her mother who adopted her who is also a psychologist.. the ex is just in complete denial about it... just like any BPD'er.. but she also comes with other twists and turns. So please, don't speak for me -- you don't know her or me, or our relationship. 1
AShogunNamedMarcus Posted April 17, 2014 Posted April 17, 2014 I was with a man for 7 years. Never did know if he had BPD because he refused to seek treatment of any kind no matter how much I begged. . . and begged and begged!! I was constantly walking on egg shells, agonizing over every little thing so as not to set him off, even over thinking little things like what to make for dinner. It was awful and it even got to the point that I thought he was ruining perfectly good days for his own amusement. I couldn't take it anymore and fell out of love and gave up. Now if he had even tried to get help and correct these issues, I never ever would have given up. Anyway, it's ironic that now he is trying so hard to win me back and he's nicer and more thoughtful than ever. Sadly, it's way too late. I love him as a person and a friend but the romantic feelings for him are beyond DEAD!! I'm responding to the bold part. I guess it's possible that it was for his amusement, but that sounds more sociopathic or narcissistic than borderline. I am BPD. I have ruined many perfectly good days but not for amusement. I often have negative reactions to people acting too happy. It can feel like a slap in the face when I'm feeling low, and low is the norm. You take the BPD person, who is miserable a lot, then brag about happiness... that miserable person is then reminded of the misery and the first instinct is to even the field. I know it's not fair. I feel guilty every time I start down that road. It takes a lot of self-control and self-talk to point out to myself that I'm at risk of being a huge dick and ruining the day of someone close to me. BPDers are fragile and have no sense of who we are or where we fit in. We overcompensate by being mean and quick to lash out when threatened or when we perceive, mistakenly or not, something as a threat. Can be an insult, a slight, disrespect, etc. that sets us off, or it can be something as stupid as someone being happy when we're feeling like ****. He will try very hard to convince you of how nice he is. Part of him may really be that nice. There is still a human being in there who feels sadness and pain. It's the mental disorder, the fragility, that causes the chaos. Don't wait around for treatment. You aren't going to convince the borderline of anything. You will spend your energy trying to comfort the fears and insecurities, while doing the egg-shell dance to keep them from throwing temper tantrums. During a tantrum, it can feel really good to release that negative emotional energy. It can even feel good in the moment to hurt someone's feelings. Afterwards it's just more guilt to throw on the pile of self-loathing. Unless you want to be a baby-sitter to the emotional equivalent of a 4 year old, walk away. 3
Author Caliguy30 Posted April 17, 2014 Author Posted April 17, 2014 That's one of the best comments I've seen. Thank you for sharing. While my ex is undiagnosed, your description matches my experience exactly. It's interesting at the end when you talk about the BPD tantrum. So are you saying that after they go through their tantrum they actually do feel guilty even though during their tantrum they seem like the most cold blooded person you've met?
Craft81 Posted April 17, 2014 Posted April 17, 2014 Yeah, I've experienced the BPD tantrum.. it's like when a 5 year old doesn't get what he/she wants for dinner or a certain toy... she acts like that.. several times over.. even on the little things.. and then after a while, she'll be remorsefully sorry and very convincing that she'll never do it again, etc. It's all manipulation.
Author Caliguy30 Posted April 17, 2014 Author Posted April 17, 2014 It just sucks because I'm trying to get my mind off of things, but I just randomly walked by a hotel that we went to after a basketball game to get drinks. Got some anxiety and walked away. I'm doing better than I thought today, but it's still hard. She was so rude last time we talked I hope she does feel guilty, but I still have her blocked and don't plan on reaching out. Staying strong, hopefully. 1
KaliLove Posted April 17, 2014 Posted April 17, 2014 For a while everything will remind you of something. That will fade. Mostly. I still can't eat potato chips. They give me a rash. Oh wait..that might be an allergy... 1
Author Caliguy30 Posted April 17, 2014 Author Posted April 17, 2014 It's completely counterproductive, but I just hope she misses me and feels guilty for how she has acted, the names she called me and the fact I'm not there to help her anymore through all of her made up problems.
KaliLove Posted April 17, 2014 Posted April 17, 2014 It's completely counterproductive, but I just hope she misses me and feels guilty for how she has acted, the names she called me and the fact I'm not there to help her anymore through all of her made up problems. Doesn't matter if she misses you or not..but I doubt she feels guilty. You'll never know and soon you won't care.
Author Caliguy30 Posted April 17, 2014 Author Posted April 17, 2014 I guess I'm just trying to hear what I want to hear, but she probably doesn't care or feel guilty. It's just a tough pill to swallow. Day two NC and still doing ok better than the last time I went nc.
AShogunNamedMarcus Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 That's one of the best comments I've seen. Thank you for sharing. While my ex is undiagnosed, your description matches my experience exactly. It's interesting at the end when you talk about the BPD tantrum. So are you saying that after they go through their tantrum they actually do feel guilty even though during their tantrum they seem like the most cold blooded person you've met? It's hard to say if she would truly feel guilty. I suspect she rationalizes her behavior to keep any guilt at bay. As for me, I've always known I wasn't normal. It might have been shame and embarrassment. I did not want to be the type of person who hurts others, but it was not something I understood until later in life. It was as confusing to me as it was to those around me who cared about me. Imagine acting a way that you were ashamed of, but you're not able to correct it. Your thinking is distorted, your emotions overwhelming you, you feel desperate and out of control. BPD'ers will blame everything on others. I stopped doing that when I accepted my mental illness. I know it's me. With that in mind, I can take a breath, get out of my head and interrupt the distorted thought process, find respect for the other person, apologize and try to behave maturely. It's like I have to snap out of it and fight against my normal urges. From what I hear, most BPD people never reach that point. 1
Author Caliguy30 Posted April 18, 2014 Author Posted April 18, 2014 The walking on eggshells, trying to not cause a temper tantrum, or putting my issues aside when she's in a good mood, worrying if she's going to pick something out that I said in order to cause an argument, lying, it all sucks to deal with. I just wish there was some sort of understanding on her part of how hurtful it is to be around. Granted it's not my job to show her as I am slowly getting free, but it's like you want the person you care about to understand. To be honest it's like sometimes when we had good conversations where we would talk about getting back together when she would cycle again it was as though she blocked out the conversation trying to say she didn't say certain things. It was really odd.
ThatMan Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 That's all the projections and emotional reasoning. She feels a certain way, therefore that is how reality around her truly is. 1
KaliLove Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 That's all the projections and emotional reasoning. She feels a certain way, therefore that is how reality around her truly is. Well said TM. Classic BPD.
Author Caliguy30 Posted April 18, 2014 Author Posted April 18, 2014 It's day 3 of NC. Haven't even unblocked her number at all to see if she will try to text me, which is pretty good for me. Lapses of thought where I wonder if I'm missed and if she even realizes what's going on. I guess she doesn't feel guilty, but I hope she's not happy.
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