Borderline Personality Ex

[Caliguy30]

Everyone is going to be disappointed, but I had been drinking and I unblocked her number. Got a breadcrumb in the hour that it was unblocked. "Sorry I couldn't be the person you deserve." I immediately reblocked her number and did not respond and I WILL NOT respond. She can get bent. I'll be the one person with the self-respect who walked away.

[Downtown]

Cali, the important thing is that you aren't picking up the phone or returning any messages. Your unblocking her calls -- so you can listen to her breadcrumbs -- likely will stop soon too. As you know, the sooner the better for your healing.

[Caliguy30]

Well, I told one of my friends she texted me, who knows what is going on, and he texted her telling her to leave me alone and a bunch of other stuff. Now she won't stop calling me and sending me rude texts. He was trying to look out for me, but ended up making it a bit worse. I still haven't answered or responded.

[Feeorin]

NOOOOOO! Stay strong, don't answer her calls or reply to her messages. She will just lure you back into her BS. Remember any reaction (be it good or bad), they still win. As long as they can inflict any form of turmoil, they win... Be better than her. You've called her out on her behaviour, and she doesn't like it.

 

A week or two ago I would have jumped at the opportunity to get back with my ex - literally JUMPED. Now I just pity him. My self worth is more important than their crap. Always remember that!!

 

Give it time dude, you will feel better about the whole thing once the fog has risen.

[Caliguy30]

So I have about 40 missed calls an angry voicemail about how she can play this game too and text saying that I'm a p***y for not talking to her. What a great way to start my day.

[Emilia]

So I have about 40 missed calls an angry voicemail about how she can play this game too and text saying that I'm a p***y for not talking to her. What a great way to start my day.

Just block her. Seriously. My ex never did this, it would have helped me move on faster

[Caliguy30]

Absolutely out of control. It's so hurtful to be ridiculed for something I didn't even do. I'm waiting for an apology, which will probably never happen. I'm really hoping she was just drunk and what not. Crazy to think that this person knows I love her, but can be so hurtful.

[Emilia]

Absolutely out of control. It's so hurtful to be ridiculed for something I didn't even do. I'm waiting for an apology, which will probably never happen. I'm really hoping she was just drunk and what not. Crazy to think that this person knows I love her, but can be so hurtful.

you've been on this thread for how long? Just block her. You are contributing to the drama.

[salparadise]

Absolutely out of control. It's so hurtful to be ridiculed for something I didn't even do. I'm waiting for an apology, which will probably never happen. I'm really hoping she was just drunk and what not. Crazy to think that this person knows I love her, but can be so hurtful.

 

Caliguy- you need to quit calling what you're feeling love and accept it for what it is... obsessive, dysfunctional attachment. Realizing that is one key to moving on. Don't let her goad you into responding- not a single phukking word! Why have you not blocked her?

[CaliGuy]

He needs to change his login name too. If I look for posts related to me, they're full of "CaliGuy30" lol. I'm the ORIGINAL CaliGuy lol

[Emilia]

He needs to change his login name too. If I look for posts related to me, they're full of "CaliGuy30" lol. I'm the ORIGINAL CaliGuy lol

I remember reading your posts years ago. Welcome back

[denjones]

Has anyone dated an ex with undiagnosed BPD? I've had to seek help for what I've been dealing with the constant back and forth I want you I don't, plus all other signs. My help said that she is borderline and all the articles I read online point to the same. Apparently these breakups are really hard for the non BPD person leaving you to feel how I do. I've posted before thinking this was a normal breakup, but it has turned out ugly. She constantly tells me she wants to be with me then as soon as I open up I get dropped. She is not aware of the things she says it's like dealing with a 3 year old and everything is my fault somehow. Constantly walking on eggshells. I know everyone is going to say go NC, but I'm looking for help for my own sanity.

 

OMG. You just described my ex exactly. Sure we wasn't dating the same person? ;-)

 

I've just split from my ex after a 4.5yr relationship, and to be honest I am really struggling to deal with it. But reading these posts about BPD, that sounds like what my ex has. We have split up 10 times in the last yr :-( I know I know, why did I go back each time? Simple, I loved her. But each time we got back, she suggested it and seemed all loving, forgiving and like the way she was when I 1st met her. But this was always short lived! She'd find some simple stupid reason to cause an argument, kick off with me, and bang! I'd be outta the door again. It was like she never knew what she wanted. But she seems to be over it now alright. She just recently slept with another guy after only a couple of short weeks after our breakup. I'm devastated ;-( But for some reason, she always seems to get over breakups easily????

 

I too was always walking on eggshells as not to start her off. She also used to get VERY paranoid with me, about where I was going, what I was doing etc. And looking back, it seems over a period of time she also systematically alienated me from all my friends.

 

I didn't know this BPD existed until I came here. But it appears my ex definitely has it. When it's good it's great. But when it's bad it's horrific right? Dnt worry, you're not alone. Not by a long way.......

[Roses777]

I am curious as to whether a Long Distance Relationship would be ideal or bad for someone with Bipolar or Borderline?

 

One perspective on this is that the person can stay close over Facebook near still far away if the guy lives an hour away. That would seem good, no? But for most people that I have seen, LDR's eventually become too problematic to last in the long term.

 

Thoughts?

[ThatMan]

I am curious as to whether a Long Distance Relationship would be ideal or bad for someone with Bipolar or Borderline?

 

One perspective on this is that the person can stay close over Facebook near still far away if the guy lives an hour away. That would seem good, no? But for most people that I have seen, LDR's eventually become too problematic to last in the long term.

 

Thoughts?

There are long distance relationships that do work. There are also long distance relationships that do not work. Those with borderline personality disorder cannot sustain healthy relationships. Period. There is literally nothing that can change that. Those attempting to start a relationship with BPD in the mix will interact in ways that are destructive and the amount of physical distance between them won't change that. There will still be the stages of attachment, idealization, devaluation, and probably a whole bunch of codependency or some form of violence. The relationship will end, as do all relationships end involving BPD, when the non-BPD individual is painted all black.

[Caliguy30]

Well look who's back with no name change. Last two weeks been supporting her after she came over after blowing up at me. She actually told me I'm the best thing that ever happened to her and that she was still in love with me. Now today says she talked to her therapist and needs to change our relationship and needs to focus on herself saying a bunch of bs about how she appreciates my support and how she hopes I don't hate her. I do hate her right now. I hate that I keep putting my hand over the fire expecting not to get burned.

 

While some people might hate on me for going right back, I'm only human give me a break. I'm trying to make myself happy and I'm allowing this person to turn my life upside down. I see that. I see what I can control and yet I allow it to happen it's really a terrible feeling to feel uncontrollable of your own happiness when in reality I have all the control of my life. To have the other person say every single word you want to hear except that they will do anything to be with you is a terrible feeling to have. Hate me all you want. I'm human.

[Downtown]

While some people might hate on me for going right back, I'm only human give me a break.

Cali30, well, I'm not in the hate group, LOL. After 15 years of marriage, I finally learned about my exW's BPD issues on the internet. Even then, it still took me another six months to file for divorce -- and I was able to do that only because she had me arrested and removed from my own home and then testified against me in court. And, after the divorce was granted, I continued to receive her calls every two weeks for another 8 months -- at which point I finally went NC.

 

One thing I learned is that, after you finally realize you're dealing with a BPDer, you will NEVER ever see her the same way again. You will be painfully aware that you're trying to build a lasting relationship with a woman who (a) is incapable of trusting you, (b) is incapable of having any lasting sense of appreciation of your love or sacrifices, and © has the emotional development of a four year old. Hence, if you are correct about her having strong BPD traits, it is only a matter of time before you will break free.

[JunkYardDog]

Cali...I dont hate ya bro, I feel for you. I understand man. Totally. Theres nothing wrong with loving someone, its who it is that is the wrong part. You are just a dude like me that was conned by a master. That being said, you are to blame for knowing it and still ignoring it and chosing it. Once your have the knowledge it all falls on you now. She cant change, you can. The scorpion and the frog, its in her nature.

 

I dont want to make you feel any worse than you do cuz boy do I know how you feel but the buck stops and starts there. You need to ask yourself how much you love yourself first and foremost. Ask yourself would you ever treat yourself the way she treats you? Anything less that getting what you would do for yourself back in return FROM ANYONE is not worth it.

 

Dont be so hard on yourself, you are human, thats right. You are a normal human, one who wants and desires their partner to feel the same, to be capable of the same but brother.....the fact is this one is not. She cant, she wont and she never will no matter who she is with.

 

Learn, let it go, heal....find your way back. Rid yourself of the vampire, you are in a fight with a powerful force but you can do it, I know you can, I know I can too.

[KaliLove]

Hey Cali, I'm Kali! Ha

 

I understand. My ex is BPD/NPD as well so I completely understand how hard it is to walk away from them and how charming they can be. I still talk to mine occasionally although I don't believe we will end up together. I've gotten some hate for that. I haven't told any of my friends in real life that I still talk to him.

 

You know things won't work out with her just like I know things won't work out with my ex. But everyone does things at their own pace and their own way. Don't beat yourself up.

 

I can't private message yet but when I can maybe we can compare notes.

[Caliguy30]

Thank you everyone!

It's so hard to admit I was even lying to my friends that I would see her. I can't even admit on here. After her blow up is saw her and felt bad for her. Then we kept talking and had plans to hang out today, but got an email after she talked to her therapist. I called her out on a bunch of stuff the day after she got mad at me a couple weeks ago. I really don't understand how someone tells you you're the best thing that ever happened to them, but that they don't feeling deserving of your love and that she needs to be on her own for the first time. I have so many thoughts in my head so many that it clouds my brain. So hurt to hear everything you want someone to say except that she will do anything to be with me.

[Caliguy30]

I'm not in a good mindset or shape.

[JunkYardDog]

Knowledge is power. Read, research, educate yourself. Remove the fake false person she made you believe she was and replace it with the real her in your mind. You were conned, duped. Look under the mask and believe that is who the real person is, because it is.

 

Take inventory of whats really on the shelf not what you think is or was.

 

 

After your done ask yourself.....is THAT someone I want to be close to and put my trust in?

[carl777]

I feel you, man. It took me 3 years to man up and remove my BPD ex from my life completely.

[Caliguy30]

Look who's back. It's interesting to see the new names posting on here and here I am right back in square one. Been trying to work things out. She said she wanted to start from square one. We hung out, we were doing really well. We started things slow, then one week we hung out a lot, we weren't arguing we were really good. I met her when she was in the city and we had a fun night out, went out, and we hooked up. Then things slowly got worse. We had times of hanging out after where things were great, but then yesterday, the infamous "I can't keep doing this." She texted me, she wouldn't even answer her phone. Obviously so self centered an only cares about herself.

What I don't understand is that I have cared about exs who have cared about me much more than this person, but this is so much harder. Everyone says to get out, but it almost seems impossible. I want to hide under a rock and hope it all goes away. I know I am the person with the control and that I am the one who keeps doing this to myself, but I don't know what else to do. It's like I have reduced myself to someone I have never been before and I have lost complete sight of who I am. I'm so ashamed of my self it's ridiculous

[Downtown]

What I don't understand is that I have cared about exs who have cared about me much more than this person, but this is so much harder. Everyone says to get out, but it almost seems impossible.

Walking away from an attractive BPDer is like walking away from Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana, both of whom had full-blown BPD (if their biographers are correct). Because BPDers cannot tolerate strong mixed feelings, they tend to be in touch with only one set of feelings (love or hate) at a time. The result is that they exhibit a warmth and purity of expression -- e.g., pure unadulterated adoration -- that otherwise is only seen in young children. Hence, trying to walk away can feel like you're trying to walk away from a young child. On top of that problem, excessive caregivers like us are LOATH to abandon a sick loved one, no matter how obnoxious her behavior. Doing so goes against our religion, our family values -- indeed, against every fiber of our being -- even when that is exactly what we should do.

I'm so ashamed of my self it's ridiculous.

At an intellectual level, you must know you have nothing here to be ashamed about. It is simply a feeling. Instead of wasting your time on that feeling, focus instead on your righteous anger. You have PLENTY of reasons to feel anger toward your W. Use that anger -- like a crutch -- to enable yourself to walk away from her. Then, a year or two later when you're safely away, kick the crutch aside. For excessive caregivers like us, holding onto our anger usually is our only chance to leave the toxic relationship.

[KaliLove]

I feel ya bud. My BPD/NPD (undiagnosed) ex came back and wanted to take me away for my birthday but when he admitted to me that nothing had changed, I decided to walk away. I'm doing ok but I do have my moments of missing him. BPD people can be VERY seductive because the good times are SO good..but eventually the bad starts to outweigh the good and it becomes exhausting and miserable. Maybe you're getting close to hitting that wall.

 

Have you thought about therapy? It's helping me a lot.