Borderline Personality Ex

[Caliguy30]

I'm in therapy. I honestly feel like I've hit rock bottom. The good times are so good, but the bad are complete and utter heart wrenching. She texted me as usual to end things and won't pick up the phone to talk other than to yell at me. Literally yesterday telling me she loves me then the next I can't do this. Now when I text her she turns it on me saying you need to be a man and get over it, wow she doesn't even realize what she has done. I fear for my own well being sometimes trying to figure out if she'll ever realize the recourse of her actions.

[DontBreakEven]

I'm in therapy. I honestly feel like I've hit rock bottom. The good times are so good, but the bad are complete and utter heart wrenching. She texted me as usual to end things and won't pick up the phone to talk other than to yell at me. Literally yesterday telling me she loves me then the next I can't do this. Now when I text her she turns it on me saying you need to be a man and get over it, wow she doesn't even realize what she has done. I fear for my own well being sometimes trying to figure out if she'll ever realize the recourse of her actions.

 

Ugh.

 

I do feel for you. I have been here. I have studied psychology, I knew better. Yet I still lived this for years with one of my exes. When you're actually IN the fog it's so much harder. It really makes YOU crazy as well. Listen to Ben Folds' Landed. It's about being in a relationship like this. It will make you feel not alone.

 

The best thing to understand is that IT IS NOT YOU IT IS NOT YOU IT IS NOT YOU. And that no matter what she is doing without you, SHE IS NOT HAPPY SHE IS NOT HAPPY SHE IS NOT HAPPY. She will manipulate the sh*t out of you to probably torture you into thinking this is all your fault (PROJECTION). But just think about it, really. Do sane, normal people do this to someone they claim to "love"? Would you?? F*ck no.

 

You are at rock bottom because you are grieving. You have experienced a death. The death of someone who you thought was, and actually does not exist. It's devastating and beyond disappointing. It's mind boggling, heart wrenching, and soul crushing. But it is the truth. Kick that pedestal out from under her. Yes, she is charismatic. The whole world put a pedestal underneath Marilyn Monroe and Princess Di. But look at where they put themselves - because they knew the truth.

 

Why it is part of them (broken childhood, traumatic event, whatever) - you CANNOT fix it. No one can fix it but them. The majority of them never will.

She is giving you a sick twisted gift by basically forcing you to dodge the flaming bullet that is her.

[Caliguy30]

I've said it before, but I feel absolutely crazy. I feel like I don't even know what I anymore. I just spoke to her and all it was was about how ridiculous I'm being and how I can't let go. She doesn't take any responsibility that two days ago she's saying how much she misses me the nothing. It's her that's being ridiculous.

[DontBreakEven]

BPD gives you fleas and you almost begin to take on the characteristics of the crazy yourself. You need to go NC. And not as a weapon to get her back. As a way to rid of her in your life.

 

But no worries if you are unable to let go right now, she will eventually do something so hurtful you will have absolutely no choice.

[Caliguy30]

I'm already so hurt, but don't understand any of it. She constantly hurts me with no regard at all. I want anger, but right now I'm right back at square one of sadness pain and numb to outside world.

[DontBreakEven]

I'm already so hurt, but don't understand any of it. She constantly hurts me with no regard at all. I want anger, but right now I'm right back at square one of sadness pain and numb to outside world.

 

Yeah you're not hurt enough yet. Trust me, you'll know when she gets to you that bad. You will (believe it or not) never want anything to do with her ever again.

[KaliLove]

Yeah you're not hurt enough yet. Trust me, you'll know when she gets to you that bad. You will (believe it or not) never want anything to do with her ever again.

 

THIS!

 

BPD is definitely a personality disorder, however it takes a special kind of personality to be attracted to a BPD person. People like us..and we are the kinds of people who need to continue putting our hand in the fire to see if it still burns us until we've truly been burnt to a crisp..we're slow learners..it takes us a while to figure out what hurts.

 

But the EXCELLENT news is that once you're over it, you're over it for good and there'll be no going back.

 

I know myself and I feel like you're probably a lot like I am in that you have a capacity to forgive and understand the root of other people's problems that goes way above and beyond the norm, to a point where you end up hurting yourself with it. What we do, all that justification and explanation and forgiving..it's not healthy. It's not normal. It's also not ok because it can break you if you're not careful. I would highly recommend discussing this with your therapist.

 

I would definitely not advise ANYONE in a 'normal' break up situation to do this, but if I'm right about you, then you may need to get hurt a few more times before you're ready to let go. I'm not gonna lie, it will SUCK. BAD. But that might be the only way you're able to walk away without looking back.

 

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I understand so well what you're going through.

[Caliguy30]

I appreciate everyones suppport. It is honestly nice to be able to talk to people who understand what I am going through. My friends and family are all saying just walk away, ohhhhh if it were only that easy. I just talked to her and told her that the reason I struggle when she is in her push phase is because it's a phase. It's almost like I want to look at her and say can't we just skip this part. She said we try the space and get back and try only to be in this position. She says we need an actual break if we want something functional between us. Well isn't that just the cliffhanger she wants to keep me around and pull me back in when she wants me? The one time I was able to get mad, really really mad, I blocked her and didn't talk to her for a week. it drove her crazy. Then she was right back in my life when she came back. Therapist says don't talk to her take back the power, well I truly feel like I have given up all the power and don't even know how to get it back. I always end up right back here.

[Caliguy30]

I am able to forgive as I understand people do things given their situation or background. Reading the article you sent me KALI is that I have lost myself in this. I am a caregiver I am one to keep looking at the better side of things.

[KaliLove]

I am able to forgive as I understand people do things given their situation or background. Reading the article you sent me KALI is that I have lost myself in this. I am a caregiver I am one to keep looking at the better side of things.

 

Yup..you sound EXACTLY like me. Are we related??

 

You will get tired of this eventually and you will leave. You kind of just have to suffer through it until then. That's what I did. It was awful but effective.

[DontBreakEven]

Caliguy,

 

I'm gonna go out on a limb right now and say that you are in the biggest blessed situation of your life and you won't have any idea the gravity of that for a few years now.

 

Pain caused from loving someone with a severe personality disorder creates the toughest (yet most compassionate) of hearts in the end. You will have an indelible bullsh*t meter for life once you get around this. You will also know and recognize real love -- how to give it, and where to receive it.

 

But Kali is right. I think you need a few more go rounds with her.

 

I know you're hurting. But believe me, it can get worse.

 

Just to give you a little taste - I drove my BPDex to a party where she met up with the girl she was cheating on me with (who was my friend - I didn't know at the time) and lied to me the entire time we were there, we went to a bar, she disappeared for 45 minutes (come to find out later she went and f*cked the girl in the alley and then came back), had me drive her home - made love to me in my car, had me pick her up the next day for a her birthday dinner -- was an hour late and lied to me why (was f*cking other girl - told me her therapy session went way past time and she was so sorry) -- took all of her presents I gave her, read the beautiful letter I wrote her for all the reasons she was so amazing and loved (I was still convinced I could make her believe she was all these things), cried crocodile tears and had me take pictures and post them to facebook and write lovey dovey captions on them, then texted me at Midnight that very night after I dropped her off saying her birthdays always suck a** and she should just never have another one (she got laid twice by both her lovers, got a free lobster dinner and over $300 worth of presents, but ya know, people DO have better birthdays). The next night she picked a fight with me while we were driving which somehow led to me pulling over I was so mad. I went to pop a squat in the sub-division we were in bc I was so anxious I almost had an accident in my pants, and I looked up to see her taking pictures of me. I then watched as she put my car in neutral and started pushing it down a hill. She finally stopped when it ran over her big toe and she started crying. After I was finally able to get my pants up I ran after the car and somehow managed to stop it. I was later yelled at and berated for not taking care of her hurt toe and worrying about the car instead (all this was being screamed at me in a sudden British accent - we are from the midwest). Next day she texts me pictures of her blistered toe with sad faces. I finally completely confirm from a mutual friend that she cheated on me the night before, so I ignored her texts for 30 minutes the next night while I was working my night shift at the hospital (for all she knew I could have been too busy to check my phone). She took the ignore and ran with it and made us single on Facebook. I texted her telling her I was so busy at work, why are we single??? She said "I don't know. You wanna be with Cyndi". (?) (I know one Cyndi and she lives 3 hours away from me and she's barely an acquaintance.) She then broke up with me over text and was in a relationship on Facebook with my friend I had suspected her of cheating on me with within two hours.

<~ this entire story took place over the span of 3 days.

 

I never spoke to her again. Two months later she texted me inviting me to a housewarming party of her and her girlfriend's new condo, suggesting places to buy gift cards to bring.

 

And this was the 3rd time she had ended things like this with me, before somehow we would always "try again". People like us get so deluded in the caretaking role that we believe in every little moment that seems bright and hold onto them, thinking this time it can be fixed. It cannot. Not by me, not by you, not by the next lover. I have an IQ of 138 and an advanced degree in psychology - it still took me years to figure this out.

 

You're not quite at this level yet of understanding. You need a few more rounds. Come to me when you're ready to tap out. Believe it or not, you'll still be the winner.

Edited April 4, 2014 by DontBreakEven

[KaliLove]

Wow..DBE..I also have a very high IQ and a degree in psychology. What is it about people like us that attracts these nutballs???

 

I'm so sorry you went through that..it sounds horrible. My ex wasn't quite as bad as all that but he did do some pretty effed up stuff.

[Caliguy30]

WOW DBE that is much more than what I've dealt with, but that would hopefully push me over the edge to cut everything as well. We have broken up and got back together so many times I can't count. I honestly sometimes get so fed up I am numb. These breakup times drive me so low it's ridiculous. Then last night she tells me we have tried space, but we need an actual break to make things work. What does that even mean? I tell my therapist I don't even know what I'm doing anymore it just seems like I'm going to keep doing this cycle until yea, I reach a point that I get fed up and get out. I even just spent a bunch of money to fly home today and get out of this situation for a bit. I had to call my boss and ask for time off it was so embarassing. My ex and I are supposed to talk in a little bit and she said yesterday, "think about what you want to say to me" again how is it me that has to think about it. She is the one who is absolutely doing this up and down thing. I told her why do we do this when in a week she is going to change her mind.

[DontBreakEven]

Wow..DBE..I also have a very high IQ and a degree in psychology. What is it about people like us that attracts these nutballs???

 

I'm so sorry you went through that..it sounds horrible. My ex wasn't quite as bad as all that but he did do some pretty effed up stuff.

 

Yeah I have no idea.

 

Unfortunately, my most recent ex was a much lower drama, higher functioning, NPD/BPD spectrum. It was still insane, but having gone through the ex I told of in the story, I truly believed that this was a healthy relationship (at least in comparison). It still was not. I have no idea what health looks like and I am not drawn to it - because I am not healthy myself, in my own co-dependent ways.

 

I am using this time of being single to figure out that exact question, "What is it about people like us that attracts these nutballs???" I cannot play the victim forever, and must ultimately take responsibility for my own part that I play in the dysfunctional dance. I feel like I am on the road to recovery, but I cannot quite answer the question yet, so I know I am not fully healed. I probably will refrain from serious relationships in the near future until I am able to give an open and honest answer to the question, and understand it fully. Hopefully, when that happens, red flags will no longer turn green in my mind.

[Caliguy30]

My roommate said the same thing to me that I need to take responsibility and ownership of my participation in this dysfunctional relationship.

[Panda87]

All the signs point to BPD. Constantly feeling like walking on eggshells to not cause a fight. Every time I brought up my feelings she'd put up a wall. She says she wants to work things out then acts like I'm crazy when I want to hang out. Goes into a fit of rage. Then two days later loves me again says she wants to hang out then 4 days later fit of rage. She starting to get anxiety and paranoia and blames me. When things were at their best, some random thing would come up and we would fight and she'd push me away. When I have a family health issue she ran away. Not someone I want to be with, but I've allowed so many things to occur and say it's ok. I fit right into the non BPD partner description.

 

Hi Caliguy, see my thread and see if my exgf behaviour match with yours. Cause i also suspect she had BPD. At first she was mirror-ing me, at the end its me who mirror-ing her. Gosh, all those bad habits that i could never tolerate before i met her at the end i just swipe it away and accept it.

 

Keep thinking this way, whatever she did its only for her needs not yours. with this kind of people, its hard to make them understand how you feel and vice versa. They will toss you away like nothing happened between you guys. the next day, they want to hang out. it is INSANE, if you stay on this rs you will be the insane one. their mind is so twisted and dark.

 

If you still value and love yourself, please do so. LEAVE.

[Caliguy30]

Someone once told me to read an article on BPD. I read it and about a quarter of the way through, it felt like this person was writing a story about my life. I think that's a good gauge. By no means did I start this thread to come up with done straw to grasp at to explain what was going on. After explaining what I was going through with my ex, my therapist brought this up and I started looking into it. I'm not a psych expert, but reading articles on borderlines helped me just identify it. Now I need to know how to escape.

[Tressugar]

You are not alone! My husband's ex wife has been diagnosed as BPD/Narcissism with a touch of sociopathic tendencies. At least that's what the police department advised me. Yeah fun! My advice to you is to run as fast as you can away from her. There's no known cure/therapy/medication for these types of personality disorders.

Edited April 5, 2014 by Tressugar

[Monopoly]

Cali, if she is a BPDer as your therapist suspects, she will find you most attractive when you are just out of reach. The reason is that a BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at opposite ends of the VERY SAME spectrum. This means that you cannot back away from one fear without drawing close to the other. Namely, as you draw near to love and adore her, you will trigger her fear of engulfment, a suffocating feeling of being controlled. As you draw away to give her breathing room, however, you will trigger her great fear of abandonment.

 

It therefore would seem that the obvious solution is to stand in a midpoints position -- not too far away and not too close -- where you can safely avoid triggering both of the fears. Sadly, that Goldilocks position simply does not exist -- or, if it does, it is a constantly shifting knife edge you could never stand on. I know because I foolishly wasted 15 years hunting for it.

 

Very true. I read things too about my ex. I never would have thought she had some kind of disorder during our relationship, but:

-She would always think I put pressure on her if I said things and felt like I was trying to control her (even called me manipulative).

-But at the same time, when I would become distant, she would come back being all nice

-I would always have to walk on eggs when I was talking

-She had mood changes and every time I would say something about it, she would cut the conversation with ‘I’m this way and deal with it’.

-She would create fights for minor reasons

-She would never take responsibilities for the fights and I would always come back apologizing

-She would often be negative, when you would ask her, she would never be fine

-She wouldn’t show remorse and reject the fault on me

 

 

It took a lot of thinking to realize and accept that but I'm so much better without her.

[Caliguy30]

Ummm Monopoly, have you been living my same relationship? It's ridiculous that she's already trying to talk to me again. I always tell my therapist when she pushes me away, that she isn't coming back. He always says she'll come back and he's right, she always does. Now while I've left town for a bit I have to worry if she's with someone else even though yesterday she was telling me she loves me texting me all day while I'm traveling. So we're not supposed to talk until I get back. This whole thing is so unhealthy, but I can't find the strength to say f it.

[Downtown]

What is it about people like us that attracts these nutballs???

Kali, people having strong BPD traits are not "nutballs." They are not crazy, looney, or insane. Rather, they are simply unstable around loved ones and close friends because they are emotionally immature. As to our attracting them, perhaps that is true for you. For most of us living with BPDers, however, the problem is not that we attract them but, rather, that we go looking for them. Our desire to be needed is so great that we walk right on past all the emotionally available people (BORING!) until we find someone who desperately needs us. We excessive caregivers are drawn to vulnerability like a cat to catnip -- and BPDers, being convinced they are eternal victims, are excellent at projecting vulnerability. This, at least, is my experience, Kali.

[sooshi]

Caliguy, you're right that this is so unhealthy.

You're allowing yourself to be treated poorly. Stop it. You want a loving relationship, where you BOTH take care of yourselves and help enhance each other. Stop being her caregiver. It's only going to destroy you and your health even more.

 

Block her number, etc. Do whatever it takes to walk away. Do it if you care about yourself and value yourself, which I know you do, although it may be hard to see right now because you've assigned yourself the role of caregiver.

[sooshi]

Our desire to be needed is so great that we walk right on past all the emotionally available people (BORING!) until we find someone who desperately needs us. We excessive caregivers are drawn to vulnerability like a cat to catnip -- and BPDers, being convinced they are eternal victims, are excellent at projecting vulnerability. This, at least, is my experience, Kali.

 

I thinkm you might be onto something, Downtown. My ex-fiance thinks he has (and probably does) BPD, and thinks himself as insatiably restless, empty, not at peace, etc. He was drawn to my best friend who is also like that, although I don't think he realizes it. He wanted to empower her and get lost in her passion for a guy she's been in love with for years. So even though she's been in love with this guy for years, she's in a relationship with someone else. She's emotionally unavailable, and he was drawn to her, and persisted knowing that she was in a relationship and in love with someone else.

[Monopoly]

Ummm Monopoly, have you been living my same relationship? It's ridiculous that she's already trying to talk to me again. I always tell my therapist when she pushes me away, that she isn't coming back. He always says she'll come back and he's right, she always does. Now while I've left town for a bit I have to worry if she's with someone else even though yesterday she was telling me she loves me texting me all day while I'm traveling. So we're not supposed to talk until I get back. This whole thing is so unhealthy, but I can't find the strength to say f it.

 

I don’t know, but clearly both ours are/were unhealthy.

It’s sort of crazy when you think how much one can tolerate. I only realized after the break up that all this was not normal and that this relation took so much energy from me, in reality it was a daily battle not to upset her, say the right things, be in a way that would please her etc.

She would be negative, but at the same time tell me how only I make her happy, so of course you end up believing you’re a superhero or something. Which part was real, which part was a mind game from her, I will never know.

As some people said here, you are allowing yourself to be treated poorly; but I definitely know how all this can be exhausting.

[Caliguy30]

I realize I'm being treated poorly, but I can't escape it. I texted her one photo of something while I'm at home and she says I make it so hard, which she says when I make it hard to be apart. I feel crazy cuz I feel like all I try is to skip this push phase because it's ridiculous I know in a week she'll be back, but maybe I've got some issues too as I can't deal with that uncertainty. This sucks.