Borderline Personality Ex

[Caliguy30]

After last nights episode I basically told her she has no remorse over her actions of toying with me and I'm sick of her acting like I have to prove my love to her. I said in reality she is the one who never proved she loves me and it's a terrible feeling to have. I hold onto that as my closure and I finally blocked her number. I need to start living for myself. As creepy as it sounds I need to stop aimlessly driving around hoping I see her or worrying if she needs me. It has been programmed in me to be constantly at her beck and call for the last 18 months not allowed to focus on myself since she cheated constantly making sure I'm focused on her to make her feel attention so it doesn't happen again. COMPLETELY UNHEALTHY.

[Emilia]

Indeed, teaching a BPDer better communication skills may make things worse -- to the extent that it makes her better at manipulating you. This is one reason that MC -- which primarily teaches couples how to communicate better -- usually is a waste of time, if not damaging, for BPDer relationships (until the BPDer has first had years of IC to address those deeper issues).

It did for me. I have cut my ex off completely now. We were in contact until recently, he stayed in my spare room (no physical intimacy) for a few days every now and then when he needed a crashpad in my city. Better communication meant we talked freely about his emotional regulation issues and he had clear relief being able to discuss it but it also meant that we had some very cold and cutting conversations when he was in that mood. I told him I compared it to that 360 degrees headturn by Linda Blair in the Exorcist.

 

I asked him back in January if he was upset that I didn't get riled by his nastiness and he said 'not really, this is the reason why we get on'. I realised he was so right, it was my ability to learn to handle the nastiness that allowed us to have contact and maintain some kind of a relationship. That's pretty f***d up.

 

He stayed with me for one more long weekend after that. Being impecably behaved but shaking like a leaf while sitting on the sofa talking. He would have to get up and leave the room every now and then just to be away.

 

We didn't have a bad fall out I just waited for the time when it was best to cut it off and I did.

[salparadise]

After last nights episode I basically told her she has no remorse over her actions of toying with me and I'm sick of her acting like I have to prove my love to her. I said in reality she is the one who never proved she loves me and it's a terrible feeling to have. I hold onto that as my closure and I finally blocked her number. I need to start living for myself. As creepy as it sounds I need to stop aimlessly driving around hoping I see her or worrying if she needs me. It has been programmed in me to be constantly at her beck and call for the last 18 months not allowed to focus on myself since she cheated constantly making sure I'm focused on her to make her feel attention so it doesn't happen again. COMPLETELY UNHEALTHY.

 

Oh man, you really need to get some distance and perspective. I'm glad you are finally applying some rationality... how did you not realize when she was cheating constantly that you needed to be out, instantly and permanently? I understand the appeasing in order to avoid the blowups, but really have a hard time understanding how you justify staying when she's constantly cheating! That was your free pass to the exit door. What were you thinking?

[Caliguy30]

I completely agree. The time at which the cheating occurred, I was going through some very personal issues, which I did not share with her. I didn't tell her and while still being in the relationship I was not hanging out or spending time with her for 3 or 4 days at a time. While this does not in any way shape or form justify her actions because a normal person would've confronted me and said what's going on or told me she felt neglected. Looking back on it I feel she thought I was going to breakup with her so she sabotaged it before I could. Again, doesn't justify, but she rationalized her actions by playing it off like it was my fault.

Believe me, the normal rational me would not of put up with cheating. I still blame myself for allowing it to occur and get back together. It was a terrible blow to my ego and self esteem and taking her back after that I think was even more detrimental to my self esteem than the actual cheating. The constant anxiety, when I have anxiety anyways, of what she was doing when I wasn't with her or if she was going to blowup and cause an argument was draining. These last couple of days since the last drop of everything I've been so tired. Honestly feel like my subconscious isn't worried about if I'm going to get dumped today or what life changing event am I going to have to deal with for her today. It's nice to concentrate on myself. I just want to stop thinking about it so much. Reading articles on dealing with this and posting here. I know it's healthy to get my thoughts out rather than bottling them up, but I want to make goals to only allow myself certain time to think about it then move on to something else. If I keep fixated on rationalizing and irrational person's actions I'll never move forward. Like one article said "stay strong, and be the exception of all her part lovers who have kept that door open hoping to get back in her box. Stay with no contact! You'll stand out as the one guy in her whole world who had enough self-respect to have said, 'No Thanks' to her." Not only that, but saving myself. It's time. Haven't talked to her at all today. It's felt great, but one day at a time.

[hestheone66]

I speak from extensive personal experience 12 years with emotional vampire. I left a stable kind man to pursue the drama of bpd/npd for 12 years. My guilt and the fact there were children involved kept me fighting until it was matter of self preservation to leave . Yes I loved him but after realising he was incapable of genuine love I ran and ran he couldn't contact me for many months tho he was still living in my home (he never worked nor paid bills or contributed at all). I realised no matter who he was with he was broken and damaging to all around him. I figured he would be traumatised by my NCAA but in the long term a quick break better than drawn out push pull

 

The best day was the day I left and I regret not leaving 11 years sooner . The second best day was the day I decided to do it (it took me 3 months of elaborate planning ie secretly funding a new place to live at least temporarily)

 

Please stay strong and be confident that better and better days are on their way and never say anything at all to her. If you must be brief no emotions and no explanations as they will be used against you. Trust me

[salparadise]

...she rationalized her [cheating] by playing it off like it was my fault.

 

Yea, that's the way it works. It's always your fault.

 

It was a terrible blow to my ego and self esteem and taking her back after that I think was even more detrimental to my self esteem than the actual cheating. The constant anxiety, when I have anxiety anyways, of what she was doing when I wasn't with her or if she was going to blowup and cause an argument was draining.

 

Well, at least you've got the cognitive part working again. The emotional part takes some time to synchronize. Keep relying on your rational mind as your compass in the meantime. Reassure yourself often that no human being should ever have to endure what she put you through. Select a handful of powerful adjectives that are meaningful to you and label the manipulation such that it can't be mistaken for anything else... toxic, psychotic, sadistic. At the same time, work on convincing your emotional self that you are lovable, deserve to be cherished and treated well, respected and appreciated. Make a pact with yourself that you will never allow anyone to treat you badly, much less destroy you this way, and that you will never again fail to recognize it for exactly what it is. Use N/C to feel empowered. Stay with it man, you're about to emerge into the light.

[Caliguy30]

Thank you Salparadise. I've started to have mini breakthroughs for myself and I keep concentrating on myself. Having her number blocked I sometimes think well what if something happens and she really needs me. Then I think it's only for her benefit and sucks me back in. Having her number blocked allows me to ignore any breadcrumbs or anything he has to say. It isn't about her anymore. If she does think she needs me and I have her blocked I'm eventually going to get some hateful text of how much I don't care that will end up hurting me. She will never realize or admit that while I was partially clingy, it was fostered by her push pull. Even two days after the breakup she had the audacity to text me how much he wants to com over and sleep with me and how she wishes it wasn't over. No person who cares about me would do that after they broke my heart and pretend the next day like it never happened. My emotional health and work life has been suffering, but I'm slowly taking back control. Whenever I mentioned to her the struggles I'm having she said don't blame me for your emotional or work problems. In reality I am the one healthy person she has been with. Every other of her exs is either a drug addict or someone I wouldn't consider a person of worth to have as a partner for her. Now I see why she surrounded herself with these types of people. Her exs were always within arms reach as well as other guys who she calls friends. I can't even count how many times she told me these friends were under the impression they were going to start dating. I have friends who are females, but there is a healthy boundary that is drawn where we are strictly friends. Learning about BPD I see how these people lure people in past what a healthy person would allow and ends up hurting them. I read an article about exs with BPD who think you may want to be friends calling out would you really want to be friends with someone who has the ability to mess with your emotions or has put you trough so much turmoil and pain. The answer is absolutely not. The fog is starting to lift and my biggest fear is that she is going to find some way to contact me or find me to sink her teeth in again. I keep a schedule now of work, grocery store, gym, and the occasional outing with friends until this blows over for a couple weeks. While this may seem like hiding it allows me to keep my distance while hopefully I can work on getting my head straight without the anxiety I might see her.

[salparadise]

I sometimes think well what if something happens and she really needs me. Then I think it's only for her benefit and sucks me back in. Having her number blocked allows me to ignore any breadcrumbs or anything she has to say. It isn't about her anymore.

 

would you really want to be friends with someone who has the ability to mess with your emotions or has put you trough so much turmoil and pain. The answer is absolutely not.

 

So what if she thinks she needs you? You weren't put on this earth to cater to her twisted needs. Her needs and your mental health are fundamentally incompatible. Let her find some other schmuck to torture. You're done.

 

Friends is simply not an option. The key to healing and moving forward is being resolute as to the finality. You know this is how it needs to be.

[Emilia]

Friends is simply not an option. The key to healing and moving forward is being resolute as to the finality. You know this is how it needs to be.

No it's not. This is absolutely right. Your ex would not be able to maintain the boundaries required for friendship, OP. Don't even try.

[Caliguy30]

Thank you, I know I need to focus on myself. It doesn't help with the idealization thoughts of the good times we did have. I'm dealing with the torture and knowing I have taken control by blocking her number. I told the person I'm talking to for help yesterday that even though it hurts to think she's with someone else, I hope she does so I can be done. I want to be the one person who had the self-respect to walk away.

[Emilia]

Thank you, I know I need to focus on myself. It doesn't help with the idealization thoughts of the good times we did have. I'm dealing with the torture and knowing I have taken control by blocking her number. I told the person I'm talking to for help yesterday that even though it hurts to think she's with someone else, I hope she does so I can be done. I want to be the one person who had the self-respect to walk away.

That is only 50% of who she really is.

 

Write that down and pin it somewhere where you see it every day. When I had my ex's number I saved it under 'BPDs punish' rather than his real name. Just to remind myself of the reality.

[Caliguy30]

That is the reality. The reality is that I'm struggling each day to rid myself of this. I have to save her number in my phone in order to block it. It used to be "don't call or answer" I just changed it to "BPDs Punish" it's a really crappy feeling to have. To be taken by someone who is capable of this. It's time to stop wallowing in being the victim and start coming out the other end. I was raised better than to be the victim. I know I'm allowed time to access the situation and heal, but at least I'm not waiting for a text anymore. All that text is going to be is a lie that reels me in then pushes me away to arms length distance. Venting here than to her is relaxing as it lets me speak with people who understand the other side of being with someone so toxic. While she tried to blame me for being unhappy it seems to be coming clear that she is the unhappy person and I was a symbol of a good person giving her love that she couldn't even begin to comprehend or reciprocate. She just parroted the words that I said to her so that I was hearing something of meaning but she didn't mean it.

[Caliguy30]

You are a willing participant of your own suffering. Please stop hurting yourself. The entire goal of 'No Contact' is to regain your sanity and move on with life. She acts like you are crazy for wanting to hang out with her? Wanting to spend time with her does make you kinda crazy. You two are broken up. You believe she has BPD. The one thing you will achieve by speaking with her is another fight, continued push and pull, or far worse. Why do you want this for yourself?

 

I don't want this for myself. My heart wants her as if it was a healthy relationship, where my mind says RUN RUN RUN. it's listening to my head that needs to happen.

 

 

Thank you everyone for the support! Good to have people to talk to and support.

[Caliguy30]

Start of day 3 of NC. Mornings suck. I sleep, but I still wake up so tired. Blocking her number allows me to know that even if she did want to reach out she can't and I don't even know if she isn't actually reaching out. I just wish I could stop thinking about it incessantly. I've been going to the gym and making dinners for myself. I guess it's time to start reading the books I've wanted to, but didn't have time since I was always with her and if I wasn't I was putting in time with my friends while I could. It's a terrible feeling to have when my ex had so much jealousy about the girls who I was friends with and me wanting to spend time with just my friends. It's very hypocritical to call me out for having two girls who are close friends, but she goes out flirts with guys while we were together and even kept being friends with the guy she cheated on me with. So much pain and anguish just wish this love for her would die already. Let the anger flow and move on.

[salparadise]

So much pain and anguish just wish this love for her would die already. Let the anger flow and move on.

 

I don't think it's love... think of it as an addiction. Anger is good. The dysfunctional attachment feelings will fade. It may take some time but your brain will equilibrate if you maintain N/C.

[theothersully]

Was married to a diagnosed and on meds one for 10 years.

 

Run as fast as you can.

 

The breakup is particularity painful because of all the lying about you being perfect, soulmates, the only one for her, etc... Only to have it all taken back with no explanation.

 

These twisted, sick, psychopaths will say whatever they think people want to hear in order to advance their agenda. They are emotionless robots out for themselves. They are very addictive because they make you feel so good about yourself and the relationship. That is what makes the breakup more difficult than with normal people. You have to process that everything they ever said was a lie.

 

Get out of it and make sure the next one isn't mentally ill.

[Caliguy30]

I wouldn't say today has been easy in the slightest, but trying to come to grips with the lying and just the harsh reality that probably evetything she said was a lie hurts so much. I find myself unblocking her number, but then blocking it 5 minutes later because the even possibility that she says something scares me. To think that I invested so much that I allowed myself to lose a sense of self. A lot of people don't understand that and I've never been that way. I hold my personal time and friends sacred, but allowed it all to be taken when she guilted me with her jealousy and rage that somehow I wasn't allowed to have outside friends other than her. At the end she even tried to turn me against my best friend. She is toxic and continued to try and get me to rely solely on her. It hurts deep to my core that someone could make you feel like you are their everything and just cast you away. Then she tried to manipulate me saying why do you make me feel like I ruined your life. Gee I'm sorry I was just waiting for your next catastrophe to be over so maybe we could have some fun like we used to, but you continue to ruin that and say I stress you out. Seriously, YOU are the one who came to me saying you wanted to work things out YOU are the one who I could say nothing bad to or pressing and somehow it's still my fault. I'm sorry YOU'RE "lost without me," but everything you do devastates me and brings me further away from the person I really am and you show no remorse or pain for bringing me in and then hitting in the face with an emotional two by four. I'm sorry, I didn't get the wrong idea I heard the words you said because I was there and am exponentially more intelligent. YOU are the one who manipulates me and don't sit there and try to tell me you don't want to lead me on. Saying you want to work things out and then pretending like you never did is your sick mind trying to keep me around because you need people to feast on. Not this guy NO MORE.

[Downtown]

My heart wants her as if it was a healthy relationship, where my mind says RUN RUN RUN. it's listening to my head that needs to happen.

Cali, listening to your HEAD is very difficult to do, so please don't beat yourself up if you need time to pull it off. The reason -- as I've tried to explain in other threads -- is that our inner child (i.e., the intuitive, emotional part of our mind) makes the vast majority of our important decisions. I was 50 years old before I understood that simple notion. And it took me 12 years to do it.

 

What happened was that, for 12 years, I took my bipolar foster son to a weekly family group meeting with the psychologist who was treating him. Whenever the psychologist challenged me on something, I always had an elaborate well-thought-out explanation for doing whatever I had chosen to do. Never mind that what I had chosen was not working with my foster son and never mind that I kept repeating the same pattern year after year.

 

The psychologist was always greatly amused by my explanations. He would laugh and point out, in his kindly fashion, that my elaborate rationalizations could not disguise the fact that my inner child -- not my adult -- was calling all the shots, making nearly all the decisions. In any contest between the adult and child, he claimed, the child would almost always win. But I just could not swallow this concept.

 

Yet, after twelve years of his gentle rebukes, it dawned on me one night -- right as I was about to drift into sleep -- why he had to be right. My inner child, I suddenly realized, is the sole judge of what is fun and what is not fun. That decision is all powerful. The adult part of my mind will nearly always conclude that it makes no sense -- indeed, would be preposterous -- to do something, go somewhere, or date someone I do not enjoy. My adult logic thus nearly always has to end up in the lap of my inner child. This is why learning about my exW's problem (BPD) and my problem (excessive caregiver) is the easy part. What is difficult is internalizing that understanding, i.e., transforming knowledge into wisdom, which requires that my feelings catch up with my intellectual thoughts.

 

Simply stated, I must persuade my child that my adult views of my ex's illness and my own excessive caregiving are correct -- an objective I have mostly attained. Had I failed in that effort, I would remain stuck in a destructive pattern, repeating my past mistakes over and over, because my child will be calling nearly all the shots. Because I had been in a 15 year relationship, it took me at least a year to bring my child's feelings into alignment with my adult's understanding. After just two weeks of intense reading on the Internet, I had a pretty good understanding of what I needed to do to get out of the toxic relationship and why I needed to do it.

 

Yet, because my child was over a year behind my adult, the child sabotaged my every effort to break away. It hindered me with nagging doubts, terrible guilt, and a strong feeling of obligation. It kept telling me that the theory floating around in the adult part of my mind was an insufficient basis on which to wholly abandon a sick loved one. Even after I had left her, I still refused to go No Contact for eight more months, at which point I finally realized she is incapable of ever being my friend. My adult dragged my child -- with him kicking and screaming every inch of the way -- to that shocking truth. How do you accomplish that? How do you teach a child -- who had felt for many years she was my best friend -- that she never even had that capability?

 

To bring the child and adult into alignment, what helped me a little was talking about my new found knowledge to anyone who would listen. Well, that was good for a week. Then their eyes glazed over. So what helped the most was coming to a forum like this, where I could discuss it with people who had been there, done that. Significantly, that helped my mind to associate feelings with each of the intellectual thoughts. That has to be done because the child largely learns from emotional experiences -- not from logic.

 

Writing and talking will help you internalize the information, turning knowledge into wisdom -- by connecting thoughts to feelings. If you doubt that, simply ask any university professor about its effectiveness. He likely will tell you he never had an intuitive, deep-level understanding of his subject matter until he had to teach it to someone else -- or had to write it down very precisely when doing research. Hence, what I found most helpful is talking about it to anyone who will listen and writing about it to anyone who will write back.

[Caliguy30]

Thank you very much for that post Downtown. HAHA I honestly wish I could talk to you on the phone sometimes, because most of my friends think this is just another breakup. I have been in several long term relationships over my 28 years and I know this will not be the last, not that you are making me feel like I think this is my last chance.

 

That being said, what you said has really resonated with me and I will choose that as my next focus. Looking at it from that perspective really makes sense. I know that I am a caregiver and need to recognize the balance next time around. I feel like I am doing well, even though this is the longest I have gone without talking to her in a year and a half.

 

I completely understand that getting it out in the open and posting on here is healthier for me to get my feelings out rather than internalizing them 100% as that is not healthy for me. I feel awkward posting on other people's comments sometimes because it is almost like I need to take a dose of my own medicine that I am trying to tell others. It's a struggle every day and I know it will get better.

 

This is my biggest struggle because I am a thinker, I was a History major in college and I have been taught throughout my life to look at things at several angles. There is no rational explanation she can give me for her actions over our time together and made me feel guilty like I wasn't paying enough attention to her or I wasn't allowed to have my space. I tried to explain to her rationally SEVERAL times that I need my space, friends, hobbies etc. in order to be healthy. I allowed all of a sense of me to be taken and that is my fault. I realized what was going on the whole time, but my inner child won. My adult side said, this is not healthy, why am I not allowed to have days to myself to do what I enjoy and even though I am not spending all day texting or bringing her lunch am I not allowed to have my time. My adult knew she was lying so many times and the cheating. Ugh God the cheating hurt me so much. The help I received from someone when the cheating occured said two major things to me during that time. 1. Dysfunctional people do dysfunctional things. 2. Stop saying how could she do this to me, because that implies you did something wrong to cause this.

 

I guess at that time when someone asked can you have a healthy relationship after that happened, my child said yes because I wanted to have fun with someone intimate, dinners, outings, sex etc. My adult the whole last year of my life has been screaming out STOP. I am not joking when I say this, but I would actually wait for the next thing to occur to say to her I can't do this anymore. She freaked out on one of the last holidays over something I said that she thought was directed at her, I immediately said I'm sorry, but that was not directed at you. She wouldn't let it go she insisted I did say it to her and wouldn't even think twice that I wouldn't say something like that to her because I wouldn't. I had had enough I left the party we were at and went home I wasn't about to sit there and deal with that. She called me all night long to the point where I had to shut my phone off telling me how awful I was and how she had only gone to the party because they were my friends. I didn't even want to go to the party, I would've been perfectly happy sitting at home and making dinner they were her friends. Ugh the whole event makes me so angry.

 

Thinking about times like that makes me realize how f'd the whole relationship was and how I'd rather be alone than spend one more night dealing with the turmoil of being with someone so destructive. She surrounds herself with weak friends who she is able to manipulate, say terrible things behind their back and then act like she is their best friend. Not this guy, I grow stonger every day and refuse to subject myself to this type of terrible relationship even as a friend. HAHA no way.

[JunkYardDog]

I understand where you're coming from cali. I am trying to heal from a 3 .5 year relationship with a personality disordered woman who I loved very much. The problem is that they don't know how to love like we do. They are incapable of bonding at our level and that's the problem. We all need and desire to have that bond with our loved ones. When happens when they discard us is that we go through what's called a trauma/betrayal bond. The very same person who caused us so much pain at the same time holds the key to alleviating it. That along with cognitive dissonance which is our mind battling with our hearts over what we thought was them, the good,loving part,really wasn't what we thought as they were projecting a false self. It really is a struggle to understand and sink in.

 

I am going through her trying to reach out to me for the past two weeks and it's very hard to resist even knowing what I do about her narcissism. She left me right after my dad died in November and had a new supply right away, even threw it in my face, their intimacy and all an it's STILL hard! The bond they create and manipulations are masterful. It literally has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through especially given the circumstances and timing and her just reappearing like nothing ever happened with no remorse or accountability. 7 weeks into NC and I still battle, I even started a thread earlier asking if what I was doing is right when I know the answer. RUN!!!!FAST and don't look back......but it is so much easier said than done, I'm still grasping for straws battling myself instead of being my best friend I'm my worst enemy. The post by downtown is great, thank you for that downtown.

[theothersully]

I wouldn't say today has been easy in the slightest, but trying to come to grips with the lying and just the harsh reality that probably evetything she said was a lie hurts so much. I find myself unblocking her number, but then blocking it 5 minutes later because the even possibility that she says something scares me. To think that I invested so much that I allowed myself to lose a sense of self. A lot of people don't understand that and I've never been that way. I hold my personal time and friends sacred, but allowed it all to be taken when she guilted me with her jealousy and rage that somehow I wasn't allowed to have outside friends other than her. At the end she even tried to turn me against my best friend. She is toxic and continued to try and get me to rely solely on her. It hurts deep to my core that someone could make you feel like you are their everything and just cast you away. Then she tried to manipulate me saying why do you make me feel like I ruined your life. Gee I'm sorry I was just waiting for your next catastrophe to be over so maybe we could have some fun like we used to, but you continue to ruin that and say I stress you out. Seriously, YOU are the one who came to me saying you wanted to work things out YOU are the one who I could say nothing bad to or pressing and somehow it's still my fault. I'm sorry YOU'RE "lost without me," but everything you do devastates me and brings me further away from the person I really am and you show no remorse or pain for bringing me in and then hitting in the face with an emotional two by four. I'm sorry, I didn't get the wrong idea I heard the words you said because I was there and am exponentially more intelligent. YOU are the one who manipulates me and don't sit there and try to tell me you don't want to lead me on. Saying you want to work things out and then pretending like you never did is your sick mind trying to keep me around because you need people to feast on. Not this guy NO MORE.

 

Exactly. They are masters of deception.

 

I fell for the whole thing too. All of it. Lost all friends, family for a while, etc. They socially isolate you, then sink their teeth in once you are alone.

 

These are the most evil type of sociopath on Earth and you don't even know it. Mine kept it up a total of 12 years.

 

Another bad feature is giving up yourself to take on the role of caregiver. I lost a lot of my life that way.

Edited February 20, 2014 by theothersully

[Caliguy30]

 

She left me right when I really started dealing with finding out my father has cancer. She was there for me at first, but when things started getting tough, like traveling to see him having a major surgery to remove it, she dumped me 10 days before. What a heartless wench. I mean, I wouldn't expect someone to stay with me if they really weren't interested, but a woman with a heart would've maybe waited 10 days and then to play the games she did after is just wrong when I don't live where my parents do and I came back home to be by myself. The second I leaned on her, bam gone. Especially after everything you are put through for this person. Constantly being their whipping post for everything that goes on in their lives to complain about and help them. Then when you need them they can't, it is exactly like dealing with a 4 year old. God looking back on arguments, she'd stand there cross her arms and just put her angry face on like a child throwing a damn temper tantrum.

Edited February 20, 2014 by Caliguy30

[JunkYardDog]

Yep, cold hearted, they have zero empathy. Think about that, I know I need to, without empathy you CAN NOT love someone. Its impossible. Its like trying to cook without flame.

 

Mine was/is a NPD, but they are called cluster b's because they exhibit more than one trait of the 'B' disorders; histeroinc, narcissism, borderline, anti-social. For someone to not care about you and your needs when you father just died is absolutely unequivicley a monster and a sign that they are dangerous for you and your mental well being. Then to say it was your fault for pushing her into the arms of another man and telling me about bubble baths, walking around topless in panties and heels at his house, how hes so much better than me, a real man is f'ing heartbreaking more than anyone will ever know. The part thats the craziest is that I am hurt from it beyond belief and yet still hold on to hope due to the trauma bond and cognitive dissonance. Its like a 24/7 emotional cancer that doesnt stop. There so much more to the story, stuff that happened prior to all that that I am embarassed to even mention for putting up with it.

 

 

It comes down to one thing cali, us. Theres some serious work that WE need to do for ever even putting up with any of it, but its hard man. Our brains are wired for that bond from our loved ones and when it doesnt get it, when its only you who care and are bonded then its a battle fought against yourself and the darkest forces that exist. When they move on so quickly it even makes it worse, then try to come back for ego strokes not even caring or thinking they did anything wrong...wow, just simply wow. Nightmare is putting it nicely.

 

Its going to be a long battle cali, Im ahead of you and have only just begun. I wish I could afford a therapist, but all I have is the boards and people who have been through it as well. Even my friends and family dont want to hear it, think I should 'just get over it dude!', but if you havent experienced it, you have NO idea of what its like. None what so ever.

Edited February 20, 2014 by JunkYardDog

[Downtown]

I feel awkward posting on other people's comments sometimes because it is almost like I need to take a dose of my own medicine that I am trying to tell others.

Cali, the point I was trying to make in my last post is that, when you are giving advice on this same issue to someone else, your adult is communicating -- at the very same time -- with your child. It's as though the child is looking over your shoulder while you write the advice and experience the feelings associated with that advice. In my experience, this is one effective way of closing the gap between your adult understanding and your intuitive feelings.

 

By the way, when you obtain Private Messaging privileges, we can discuss the possibility of a phone call if you still feel a need for it at that time. Generally, however, I encourage members to discuss their issues on the forum (to the extent they feel comfortable doing so) because, by sharing your experiences here, you are helping numerous other members and lurkers.

Edited February 20, 2014 by Downtown

[Caliguy30]

Downtown, I completely understand what you're saying and I appreciate your help. Trying to close the gap.