Borderline Personality Ex

[Emilia]

Cali, listening to your HEAD is very difficult to do, so please don't beat yourself up if you need time to pull it off. The reason -- as I've tried to explain in other threads -- is that our inner child (i.e., the intuitive, emotional part of our mind) makes the vast majority of our important decisions. I was 50 years old before I understood that simple notion. And it took me 12 years to do it.

 

What happened was that, for 12 years, I took my bipolar foster son to a weekly family group meeting with the psychologist who was treating him. Whenever the psychologist challenged me on something, I always had an elaborate well-thought-out explanation for doing whatever I had chosen to do. Never mind that what I had chosen was not working with my foster son and never mind that I kept repeating the same pattern year after year.

 

The psychologist was always greatly amused by my explanations. He would laugh and point out, in his kindly fashion, that my elaborate rationalizations could not disguise the fact that my inner child -- not my adult -- was calling all the shots, making nearly all the decisions. In any contest between the adult and child, he claimed, the child would almost always win. But I just could not swallow this concept.

 

Yet, after twelve years of his gentle rebukes, it dawned on me one night -- right as I was about to drift into sleep -- why he had to be right. My inner child, I suddenly realized, is the sole judge of what is fun and what is not fun. That decision is all powerful. The adult part of my mind will nearly always conclude that it makes no sense -- indeed, would be preposterous -- to do something, go somewhere, or date someone I do not enjoy. My adult logic thus nearly always has to end up in the lap of my inner child. This is why learning about my exW's problem (BPD) and my problem (excessive caregiver) is the easy part. What is difficult is internalizing that understanding, i.e., transforming knowledge into wisdom, which requires that my feelings catch up with my intellectual thoughts.

 

Simply stated, I must persuade my child that my adult views of my ex's illness and my own excessive caregiving are correct -- an objective I have mostly attained. Had I failed in that effort, I would remain stuck in a destructive pattern, repeating my past mistakes over and over, because my child will be calling nearly all the shots. Because I had been in a 15 year relationship, it took me at least a year to bring my child's feelings into alignment with my adult's understanding. After just two weeks of intense reading on the Internet, I had a pretty good understanding of what I needed to do to get out of the toxic relationship and why I needed to do it.

 

Yet, because my child was over a year behind my adult, the child sabotaged my every effort to break away. It hindered me with nagging doubts, terrible guilt, and a strong feeling of obligation. It kept telling me that the theory floating around in the adult part of my mind was an insufficient basis on which to wholly abandon a sick loved one. Even after I had left her, I still refused to go No Contact for eight more months, at which point I finally realized she is incapable of ever being my friend. My adult dragged my child -- with him kicking and screaming every inch of the way -- to that shocking truth. How do you accomplish that? How do you teach a child -- who had felt for many years she was my best friend -- that she never even had that capability?

 

To bring the child and adult into alignment, what helped me a little was talking about my new found knowledge to anyone who would listen. Well, that was good for a week. Then their eyes glazed over. So what helped the most was coming to a forum like this, where I could discuss it with people who had been there, done that. Significantly, that helped my mind to associate feelings with each of the intellectual thoughts. That has to be done because the child largely learns from emotional experiences -- not from logic.

 

Writing and talking will help you internalize the information, turning knowledge into wisdom -- by connecting thoughts to feelings. If you doubt that, simply ask any university professor about its effectiveness. He likely will tell you he never had an intuitive, deep-level understanding of his subject matter until he had to teach it to someone else -- or had to write it down very precisely when doing research. Hence, what I found most helpful is talking about it to anyone who will listen and writing about it to anyone who will write back.

Awesome post. I was wondering what had happened to me over the last year or so that has allowed me to see my emotional interpersonal relationships in a different light. This gives me the answer pretty much, thank you very much.

[Caliguy30]

Day 4, went out with some friends last night shot some pool. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was nervous she was going to be there or show up while I was there. She didn't, thank God. I did make sure not to drink too much. Last time I broke NC, was the day after I went out with friends and drank a bunch, not a good situation when you are in my state as I got really depressed the next day, ding ding alcohol is a depressant. I have a meeting with my therapist today. We have been talking for the last few weeks and he is the one who turned me to this Borderline description. Once I started reading on the disorder, things people were saying it was like they were living my life. I'm doing pretty well this morning as I don't have to work. Plan on hanging out this morning, then get lunch after my meeting and just be lazy. I have been working hard at work and going to the gym so I am treating myself to a day of laziness focused on what I want to do.

 

The funny thing is when this happened once before my friends sister asked me what happened between me and my ex. I responded with, well when I'd rather not argue with someone and waste money on them and would rather spend it on myself and the trips I want to take without being ruined, I think the issue is pretty clear. The problem was I held strong for 4 days, but then caved as I got lonely and missed the good times and ignored the bad that caused the frustration within me.

 

I've been trying to focus more on the frustration portions as it causes me to really focus on the problems and how toxic the situation was. However, part of me can't deal with the pain of how all of it could've meant nothing to her and I'm sitting her having ups and downs of sadness. It also hurts to think she has completely moved on or possibly with someone else. Ugh, I know people say BPs usually come back, I just want to be in a place to say no. What I also just realized is that I am still hoping she comes back, it's so stupid why do I think that way. Why do I hope she comes back so I can say NO when for the better good of my sanity and life I hope she doesn't ever speak to me again.

[Emilia]

However, part of me can't deal with the pain of how all of it could've meant nothing to her and I'm sitting her having ups and downs of sadness. It also hurts to think she has completely moved on or possibly with someone else. Ugh, I know people say BPs usually come back, I just want to be in a place to say no. What I also just realized is that I am still hoping she comes back, it's so stupid why do I think that way. Why do I hope she comes back so I can say NO when for the better good of my sanity and life I hope she doesn't ever speak to me again.

You have to make peace with the fact that you can't judge her thought process or emotional responses the way you usually do in the case of others. You will never truly understand it I don't think. Some people do but I think most don't. Don't even try. You have to make peace with the fact that she is very different.

[Caliguy30]

I know I won't understand, but at this point there's so much trauma. She has turned my friends against me because they don't see what has happeend. During the push pulls my friends saw how hurt I am and they all said to run away, but I didn't listen. Now my friends are treating me like, well you're on your own now. It really sucks I allowed this to happen.

[Downtown]

Why do I hope she comes back so I can say NO when for the better good of my sanity and life I hope she doesn't ever speak to me again.

Cali, you essentially are asking why you are experiencing strong conflicting feelings. Your ability to tolerate experiencing strong mixed feelings is a good thing. It is a sign of mental health. In contrast, BPDers cannot tolerate that and, as a consequence, allow themselves to be in touch with only one set of feelings (e.g., loving you or hating you) at a time.

Part of me can't deal with the pain of how all of it could've meant nothing to her.

No, that likely is not true if she is a BPDer. Rather, your relationship likely meant a lot to her and her expressions of love probably were genuine. As I noted above, BPDers allow themselves to be in touch with only one set of feelings at a time and whatever intense feelings they are experiencing now constitute their perception of reality. This is why it is common for BPDers to love their partners for years but, when splitting those partners black, to declare that they NEVER really loved them at all. BPDers therefore are notorious for "rewriting history" and for believing that the rewritten version is absolutely true.

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Hi guys.

 

After reading this and other similar posts on BPD, I convinced that ex had shown that she had all the symptoms of this. I was with her for 12 years and we have a 8 year old son together.

 

We split up a year ago after she cheated on me via a dating site. She tried to end our relationship before I found out about her affair. I have had several years of lies from her of which I turned a blind eye to some rather than confronting her, which I now regretted but did so mainly because I did not want to cause rows with her and risk breaking up our family. However, she blames me totally for her having her affair!!! Funnily enough, I was also there for her and supported all the way through the relationship but when I required any support from her it was minimal if any. I did realise this towards the end, and to be honest I started to see her true colours, and deep down, I did not like her, but again stayed faithful because of my son.

 

She has since chased someone else who since moved in with her and got engaged within 6 months. She is still bitter and telling lies about me to my son. God knows what she has told others. It seems that the 'Truth' was the first victim of our relationship.

 

l would like to move on, but still feel battered and bruised from the relationship. I know she is not worth all this angst and quoting her own words, I deserve better than her. But I am just not ready. Also the trust issues. Can I give my all to another again and risk getting hurt???

[Caliguy30]

I'm in no way an expert on the subject and have just been describing her behavior in my perspective. I guess I'm lucky because we are not married or with children. I'm sorry, I can't even imagine being in your shoes with more responsibility, but I have experienced the destructive nature in a lesser sense. I know I will find better and what I'm dealing with is the addiction of having someone to hold and share my life with. I'm confident this will fade in myself as well as you. I struggle each day and gain a lot of empowerment from therapy. If you are not in therapy I highly suggest it. As downtown had stated I'm working on connecting the dots. Each day gets better, but there are definite highs and lows. The pain is almost too much to face so I think of the good, but ultimately the bad out weighs the good and there will be no reconciliation. This is slowly coming more and more to the forefront of my mind with her crappy existence and impending tumultuous relationships with others. I walk away knowing that I treated her well and while I have made mistakes as I am human I hold my head high knowing I did my best to rectify these mistakes and others that were not my fault. I stood by her though thick and thin and constantly made sure she knew she was loved. I'll find someone who won't lie, cheat, or sabotage the efforts that I make to create a healthy relationship. As will you. We are all here together. Everyone in these forums will find someone better than those who put us here.

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Thanks Caliguy for your words.

 

I think after a year, I am not progressing as well as I should, I may go down the therapy route. This split still plays on my mind way too much. The ironic thing is when I met her, she was in therapy too. Mainly because she had problems with previous relationships and getting on with people in general...

 

I am worried about my son though. Even she has noticed that this is effecting him too. Funny how she never thought about others feelings before screwing other men...

 

Oh well, Que sera sera, as Doris Day once sang....

[Caliguy30]

My ex's dad is definitely a strange person. I want to say crazy, but that's a strong word. I can definitely see now where her actions and issues stem from. I've tried to get her to go to therapy. She says she has gone before but I doubt that. She went once in December and I could honestly temporarily see a change. She would actually talk about issues. We had one conversation where I literally say there and was like oh my God this is a normal person talking about her issues. Then, the next session came and he canceled. Apparently she rescheduled and canceled that one as well. I have sought out therapy multiple times in my life. I can tell when things are going wrong and needing to get squared away. It's interesting how I end up going to therapy and she just keeps on going haha. I give up trying to understand. It's about ME now.

[Strength in Healing]

Exactly. They are masters of deception.

 

I fell for the whole thing too. All of it. Lost all friends, family for a while, etc. They socially isolate you, then sink their teeth in once you are alone.

 

These are the most evil type of sociopath on Earth and you don't even know it. Mine kept it up a total of 12 years.

 

Another bad feature is giving up yourself to take on the role of caregiver. I lost a lot of my life that way.

 

 

I feel for you, as my ex was straight borderline. However, it's best not to confuse borderline with sociopath (antisocial personality disorder). Though they're in the same cluster of disorders, they are separate.

 

Though both hellish.

[Caliguy30]

Listening to some Bob Dylan helps haha.

 

Oh and the Song "Ooh La La" by Faces

[Heartbroken Eagle]

My ex's dad is definitely a strange person. I want to say crazy, but that's a strong word. I can definitely see now where her actions and issues stem from. I've tried to get her to go to therapy. She says she has gone before but I doubt that. She went once in December and I could honestly temporarily see a change. She would actually talk about issues. We had one conversation where I literally say there and was like oh my God this is a normal person talking about her issues. Then, the next session came and he canceled. Apparently she rescheduled and canceled that one as well. I have sought out therapy multiple times in my life. I can tell when things are going wrong and needing to get squared away. It's interesting how I end up going to therapy and she just keeps on going haha. I give up trying to understand. It's about ME now.

 

In my ex's case, it was her mother who was the strange one. Sadly her influence has rubbed off on her children as they are either socially dysfunctional, incredibly selfish or in trouble with the law. It certainly was not a normal set up, and they thought they were better than royalty!!! Also within 6 months of us moving 100 miles to literally being her neighbour, my ex cheated and we split.

 

Again I know I've had a lucky escape, just worried about my son being caught up in this mess!!!

[ThatMan]

I feel for you, as my ex was straight borderline. However, it's best not to confuse borderline with sociopath (antisocial personality disorder). Though they're in the same cluster of disorders, they are separate.

 

Though both hellish.

Sometimes the only difference between a diagnosis of being a sociopath and borderline depends often depends on the gender of a client. Even trained professionals will sometimes misattribute BPD as being bipolar. While the features of the disorder itself frequently land most men with BPD a label of AsPD.

Edited February 21, 2014 by ThatMan

[Emilia]

Sometimes the only difference between a diagnosis of being a sociopath and borderline depends often depends on the gender of a client. Even trained professionals will sometimes misattribute BPD as being bipolar. While the features of the disorder itself frequently land most men with BPD a label of AsPD.

Makes sense. I read comments about BPDs being female more often than male but I think it's just the way how men and women present their emotion regulation issues.

[Caliguy30]

Struggling to get out of bed today. Wondering if she misses me wondering what she's doing. Ugh feel so lonely. So tired and can't sleep.

[Caliguy30]

Day 6. Me head feels like it's spinning. So many ups and downs. Missing her and hating her. I hope one day she realizes what she's missing out on and can never have it back.

[Downtown]

I hope one day she realizes what she's missing out on and can never have it back.

Perhaps she will, Cali. Yet, if your therapist is correct about her being a BPDer, she is filled with so much shame and self loathing that her subconscious protects her from seeing too much of reality. As you know, it does that by projecting bad feelings and thoughts onto her partner. The last thing a BPDer wants to see is one more mistake or flaw to add to the long list of things she hates about herself.

[Caliguy30]

That list thing makes perfect sense. We would be having a great night and about to go to bed and she would say something COMPLETELY out of the blue like "I'll never be good enough" or when she would have to work to cover a shift and we had plans, and I would say as any normal person would say oh that's perfectly fine, she would turn it into something else. I'm really just trying to tune into the anger rather than the missing having someone. I think it's starting to come where I don't miss her I miss the companionship. Ultimately, I wish I would never have to see her again.

[Caliguy30]

Hardest breakup ever is this and when it leaves you empty and alone, but the other person doesn't even see it or makes everything feel like a sham.

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Caliguy,

 

What you are going through is just natural so don't worry.

 

I feel like I've wasted 12 years with my ex, but realise that now I could not spend the rest of my life walking on eggshells, being scrutinised for everything you say or do, but realised whatever we do it's never enough for them. Because, ultimately these people only care about themselves ONLY.

 

We deserve better than this. Eventually you will realise this and thank your ex for the chance to find someone special.

 

Give yourself time, you will get there.

[Caliguy30]

Thanks heartbroken eagle. I do know I want someone and deserve someone who is willing to play equal partners in the relationship. It really just sucks when you feel like they've moved on and don't miss you at all. It's almost sad to say that I miss the push pull. She said to me the last time she pulled me back that she just wanted a break from the relationship to get balance and then work towards something again. Then we talked for a week and when I tried to see her she said it stressed her out. I wasn't even being pushy or anything we had great talks all week and out of nowhere nothing.

 

To be honest today marks NC for 7 days and I never thought I would make it this long. I blocked her number, but can still get voicemail messages and I haven't received anything Every day is a victory for me and my well being, but again still miss her and the person I "thought" she was. Therapist and friends think she will show up at my house one day. I don't think it's going to happen. Looking at how these people operate she wouldn't even talk to me on the phone during any of the pushes because she said it hurt her. Well what about the guy who just got f'd over for the sixth time by you. You're right she only is convened about herself. It still doesn't get rid of the desire to be missed and have the times we spent together meant something.

[Caliguy30]

The ups and downs all day long are the worst. Thinking what if she shows up since I blocked her calls. Friends say she is going to show up now that I've established my space. I don't think she will she's not one to fight for me, but she always has shown more interest when I show less. Who knows anymore I think her showing up would be an ego thing for me and I'm just grasping at straws. The healthy thing would be for her to not show up. The hurt part wants her to.

[Weallwalkthelongroad]

The ups and downs all day long are the worst. Thinking what if she shows up since I blocked her calls. Friends say she is going to show up now that I've established my space. I don't think she will she's not one to fight for me, but she always has shown more interest when I show less. Who knows anymore I think her showing up would be an ego thing for me and I'm just grasping at straws. The healthy thing would be for her to not show up. The hurt part wants her to.

 

 

Same boat here. I got the whole "it stresses me out when we talk" line. There are some people that I talk to that think she will want to talk someday because none of it made sense. I only got pushy with her when she closed off communication until it was convenient for her.

 

 

But in the long run, I really hope she never makes contact again. I can't deal with being strung along just so she doesn't look like the bad guy.

[Downtown]

She always has shown more interest when I show less.

Cali, if she is a BPDer as your therapist suspects, she will find you most attractive when you are just out of reach. The reason is that a BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at opposite ends of the VERY SAME spectrum. This means that you cannot back away from one fear without drawing close to the other. Namely, as you draw near to love and adore her, you will trigger her fear of engulfment, a suffocating feeling of being controlled. As you draw away to give her breathing room, however, you will trigger her great fear of abandonment.

 

It therefore would seem that the obvious solution is to stand in a midpoints position -- not too far away and not too close -- where you can safely avoid triggering both of the fears. Sadly, that Goldilocks position simply does not exist -- or, if it does, it is a constantly shifting knife edge you could never stand on. I know because I foolishly wasted 15 years hunting for it.

[Caliguy30]

You're right downtown. I feel like I keep sharing my feelings for support in order to not break NC. I admitted before as I do now, I'll unblock her number for a short period of time, but then block it. I guess I get weak. At least I don't call her or text or do anything to break NC. Staying strong. Reminding myself that if I break NC I have to start all over, which when I have come this far is not an option.