Borderline Personality Ex

[sooshi]

She makes it hard for herself to be apart. Her telling you that you make it hard is her way of stringing you along.

 

I'm not convinced that you really care about being treated well. If you did, you would take action, even a small baby step. You could simply block her on your phone, for instance. Or ask her for time and space. I know it's hard to stop being the caregiver. I know it's hard to stop being a doormat, because I've been there. You know that you're being treated poorly and you're allowing her to suck you into prolonging this.

 

I hope this doesn't come across as harsh; it's not meant to be. I know what it's like to be a caregiver in a relationship. It's not fun. It's draining and not healthy, and I've had a hard time walking away as well.

[Craft81]

I've been lurking these forums for several months, but after finding this thread a few days ago -- I decided to make an account and post because it definitely relates to my situation.

 

I'm 32 and been dealing with my ex on/off for the last 2 years. She is 25, extremely attractive, and has had a very rough past and childhood.. she's also an alcoholic since the age 12... also adopted.. has 2 moms and 1 step-mom.

 

Of course I didn't know a lot of these things when we met.. she was sober at the time and was going through a 6 month rehabilitation program.

 

Cali's story sounds exactly like mine.

 

DontBreakEven's story sounds EVEN MORE exactly like mine.

 

My ex definitely does have all the BPD traits, and has narcissistic ones as well, but I believe she's not aware of her BPD tendencies.. in fact, she believes she's 100% normal, but says I'm the complete and crazy one that needs to go to therapy. She's extremely manipulative and uses psychology tricks (learns them from her mom that adopted her.. she's a well known psychology professor and psychologist/therapist here in the state).

 

I, too, fall into the whole caregiver role. My heart wants to be with her because I love her deeply... when the times were good, but my mind definitely says to GET THE **** OUTTA THERE -- it's tough to let go.

 

So far, I'm on day 13 of NC. It's been rough because 4/2 would of been our 2nd anniversary and then my birthday is on 4/9. I want to call/text her because I miss her.. (stupid, right?!) I'm surprised I haven't heard from her, but I found out on FB that she has a new guy.. picture with them being all kissy kissy.. but I know him.. met him while we were dating... so yeah. Go figure.

 

I'm actually moving back to my hometown/state at the end of the month -- only then I hope I can start healing and getting better.. these last 2 years have been agonizingly painful and I wouldn't wish this sort of treatment to anyone in a relationship.

 

There's SOOOOOO MANY things that have been said in this thread, that I can relate to and has happened to me that I can't remember them all... I'm just THANKFUL that I'm not the only one that is going through this... because I've tried to reach out to friends and family.. and they don't understand.. so I end up keeping it all bottled up... and even went back to my ex to feel wanted etc (which was even more stupid to do).

 

Thank you Cali, DBE, Downtown and many others for making feel that I'm not alone in this struggle. Thank you for reading this.. my very first post here at LS.

[Downtown]

Craft, thanks for joining LoveShack in order to share your story with us and to thank us. I'm glad to hear you found the BPD information useful. And, if you are correct about your Ex having strong BPD traits, I'm glad to hear that you established strong personal boundaries and enforced them by walking away.

[Caliguy30]

I'm glad my story can help, but I'm still searching for the strength. Even being in my hometown thousands of miles away I still struggle. I'm having almost a panic attack every second. She just told me I'm sorry I love you so much I care for you so deeply but don't want to be together right now. It's the push that I hate so much trying so hard to figure out what's going on. Feeling like I've worked so hard for things to work and she just doesn't care wants it busy doesn't realize how I accept it. It's so hurtful. I'm crushed all the time and scared even moving away won't do me any good.

[AnneT1985]

Best of luck to you! I just posted a very similar question to yours (personality disorders in general, not just ex's) in personal well being before coming across this.

[Craft81]

I'm glad my story can help, but I'm still searching for the strength. Even being in my hometown thousands of miles away I still struggle. I'm having almost a panic attack every second. She just told me I'm sorry I love you so much I care for you so deeply but don't want to be together right now. It's the push that I hate so much trying so hard to figure out what's going on. Feeling like I've worked so hard for things to work and she just doesn't care wants it busy doesn't realize how I accept it. It's so hurtful. I'm crushed all the time and scared even moving away won't do me any good.

 

If it wasn't for my ex's issues, I'd hardcore marry the crap out of her... but can't because of her BPD and her narcissistic traits.. I can't force myself into that trap of constant abuse... let alone she's also an alcoholic.

 

It's not worth investing more time and money into it -- many times I've been burned by last minute decisions being changed by her or because she wants to break up over me because I said "hello" instead of "hey" on the phone -- she thought I was irritated and mopey on the phone when in fact I wasn't. She's ****ing crazy as ****.

 

Looking back at everything, I spent 2 years trying to "fix" her and thinking I was the luckiest man alive to have found her.. and then spent 7 years before that with someone who just stopped caring in the relationship and let it go on forever without saying a word... so almost 10 years I've wasted. I'm pissed. I'm angry.

 

I turn 33 on Wednesday and I'm the only one out of everyone that I know that doesn't have a family, house, or good career -- so I decided to stop wasting time on "what ifs" and better myself.

 

Believe me.. it's hard. I'm on day 15 of NC and every day.. almost every hour I want to call/text her... but I haven't and I'm proud of that.

 

It's not healthy to be like this -- so it's time to make some changes. You gotta do it. Definitely easier said than done. You can do it.

[TalkingHead]

Hi I'm new here well have been reading posts but have not posted. I know this thread has been going on for a while but I thought I'd add my two cents worth.

 

I recently went thru a breakup with a woman who at first I thought was "just" clinically depressed (as if that's not enough of a challenge) to watching her devolve I to someone I never even knew. After going through the most sudden, scary and confusing breakup in my life I've realized that she has many of the hallmark traits of BPD.

 

I won't go into the causes of our breakup, which were not so much about the day she left me to go to another state, because those weren't the real reasons for the break. We had had a big blow up and did and said stupid sh$t that was nothing new.

 

WhAt freaked me out was how quickly she cut off any "feeling" for me and did not seem at all bothered by the split up.

 

What followed was a game of cat and mouse, manipulation and control, which I fell for being in a vulnerable post breakup state.

 

As weeks wore on, we continued to text or email and what I saw was the real her once she realized she could not keep me on a string. She cursed at me, brought up every mistake I had ever made, blamed every problem on me, and told me to rot in hell!

 

Soooo... I started researching BPD and codependence and with horror I had to come to the realization that the WHOLE relationship was an act, everything during and after the breakup was a game, and that this woman never gave a rip about me.

 

It took months to realize this and trust me when I say I'd never suffered so much in my life. The lengths she would go to to hurt me even though she dumped me were truly scary.

 

To be brief, I had to figure out her game for a while before I could even begin to see my role in the dysfunction. Which I'm working on now.

 

I just wanted to post so you know that if you're attracted to a BPD there is a certain interaction that is very hard to pull away from. It fills you with such confusion because it's insanity.

 

Check out gettinbetter.com for some well written articles about bpd and codependents.

 

Trust me she will continue to castrate and use you until you're either In so much pain you have to stop, or you'll get so sick and tired of the drama and bs that you're bored.

 

In all honesty even though I know this woman has lied to me, about me, stolen from me, enabled me, provoked me into my own special form of acting out and is NOT being treated, I still "miss" "her" or the her she was pretending to be with me. It's a mind warp.

[Craft81]

Welcome to the boards, TalkingHead. I am very new as well.

 

Your post hit a lot of points for me as well.

 

My ex would play a lot of cat and mouse as well.. lots of push and pull. Each time we would fight and break up, she would have a new b/f within 10 minutes and then they both would be texting/calling me threatening me etc, but yet I was called the immature one.

 

At the beginning, I know she cared and loved me, but when she relapsed back into alcohol, stop taking her meds, everything just started to spiral. We would have more sex outside of the relationship than in one -- it didn't bother her. When confronted about why she never shows any affection, she blew up and gave selfish reasons, then proceeded to tell me that if I want sex from her, then I should just pay her money each week. Ugh.... of course she turns everything wrong and says I'm creepy and lies to everyone about me, including her family.. she'd even flirt with guys/girls in front me as well (she's bi, too).

 

Looking back, she used me every day. EVERY. DAMN. DAY. She's so use to using everyone that she's trained to think that's just what you do.. it's natural for her.

 

I've come to learn that you can't help those who can't help themselves. She sees EVERYTHING as perfect and there is nothing wrong with her.. it's everyone else she sees that is wrong.. including myself. I was in a vulnerable post breakup state when I met her, but she made me extremely happy and it was so intoxicating -- she got rid of all the stress and troubles... until she relapsed. I hung on trying to get those good times back for 2 years... because I wanted to "fix" her and be the caregiver.

 

It's crazy that I'll still love her after all the hurt she's caused me and tossed me back and forth to hell and back -- I still worry about her health and her well being because she doesn't see what she's doing to herself and others... I was trying to save a life, but I fear nothing will help her. She'll keep moving on to the next guy/girl and continue the process. She would always say that she loves me, but said she hates me too.. and then she would break down and cry. I don't understand how someone could have a love/hate relationship with someone you care about -- but whatever.

 

Ugh, I'm done ranting. Thanks for listening to me ramble.

[TalkingHead]

Hoo boy, that's worse than mine! Mine was one of the demure helpless types. I do think she loved me at some point, and she didn't act all crazy like calling me with new boyfriends. Her thing was a lot more passive aggressive and she is a consummate liar. For a long time my caregiver side would just cry at the pitiful state she has ended up in. And for a long time I tried to right my wrongs until I realized that she was using my guilt to her advantage!

 

The sick part is that I don't think she really believes she is at fault. She played being at fault to fake empathy for hurting me, which is really a hard thing to take - but I have started to notice that when I call her in her bs she tells me to eff off, I'm a b@st@rd etc.

 

I fell for it for months and got so low I thought I'd never get better cried every day- now, I've just had to adopt the idgaf attitude because she doesn't want help. She wants to be penniless and pitiful because that's her MO.

 

That's her business.

 

Recently I told her I had an illness and she said that's your problem!

I thought wow. Ok. She wants to engage me in an unloving way. How sad.

 

Day by day I'm returning to myself and reconstructing what happened in an objective way.

 

Btw crazy making is their means of escape from the emptiness.

 

As for the using, they don't know what using is because it's all they do. They don't know they're lying because to them whatever they say is true.

 

Now. I will always play fair and say I have my own problems, but bpd isn't one of them!

Edited April 7, 2014 by TalkingHead
Left out something

[Downtown]

I started researching BPD and codependence and with horror I had to come to the realization that the WHOLE relationship was an act, everything during and after the breakup was a game, and that this woman never gave a rip about me.

TH, you are describing strong traits of narcissism (NPD) or sociopathy (ASPD), not BPD. A person having full-blown narcissism or sociopathy typically is very manipulative and is incapable of loving you. So, as you say, everything is a "game" and "an act." In contrast, a BPDer is capable of loving, albeit in the immature manner of a young child. A BPDer nonetheless is so unstable that she will flip in seconds between adoring you and hating you.

 

The result is that many abused partners will mistakenly think the BPDer "never gave a rip about me," as you say. Yet, if she is a BPDer, what you are seeing is "splitting," a mental process wherein she puts all conflicting feelings out of touch of her conscious mind. BPDers do this because they have such fragile, fragmented personalities that they cannot tolerate strong mixed feelings and ambiguities. Hence, a BPDer will treat you wonderfully while splitting you white and terribly while splitting you black.

 

I note, however, that about three-fourths of BPDers also have one or two other personality disorders that co-occurring with the BPD. About 40% of BPDers also have NPD and 14% also have ASPD. If your Ex is a member of one of these groups, she could have been manipulative and unloving while also having BPD. In that case, however, the manipulation and inability to love still would NOT be BPD traits. Rather, they would be co-occurring traits of NPD or ASPD.

 

I mention all this to caution you against jumping to the conclusion that you must have been unloved because she exhibited strong BPD traits. The question that ex-partners of BPDers most wanted answered is "Did she/he love me or was it all an act?" The answer, if the Ex only suffered from strong BPD traits, is that you likely were intensely loved -- in the immature way that young children are able to love. Importantly, this is real love even though it falls far short of what is needed to sustain a close, adult relationship. If you doubt that, just ask any parent if they believe their four year old child truly loves them. You almost certainly will be told "yes, oh yes."

I do think she loved me at some point.

If so, you've ruled out her having full-blown NPD or ASPD. Importantly, this statement in your second post above refutes your earlier claim that she "never gave a rip about me." Now you are describing traits that are consistent with strong BPD traits. Like I said above, you likely were intensely loved and your Ex subsequently lost touch with those feelings when splitting you black. Edited April 7, 2014 by Downtown

[TalkingHead]

TH, you are describing strong traits of narcissism (NPD) or sociopathy (ASPD), not BPD. A person having full-blown narcissism or sociopathy typically is very manipulative and is incapable of loving you. So, as you say, everything is a "game" and "an act." In contrast, a BPDer is capable of loving, albeit in the immature manner of a young child. A BPDer nonetheless is so unstable that she will flip in seconds between adoring you and hating you.

 

The result is that many abused partners will mistakenly think the BPDer "never gave a rip about me," as you say. Yet, if she is a BPDer, what you are seeing is "splitting," a mental process wherein she puts all conflicting feelings out of touch of her conscious mind. BPDers do this because they have such fragile, fragmented personalities that they cannot tolerate strong mixed feelings and ambiguities. Hence, a BPDer will treat you wonderfully while splitting you white and terribly while splitting you black.

 

I note, however, that about three-fourths of BPDers also have one or two other personality disorders that co-occurring with the BPD. About 40% of BPDers also have NPD and 14% also have ASPD. If your Ex is a member of one of these groups, she could have been manipulative and unloving while also having BPD. In that case, however, the manipulation and inability to love still would NOT be BPD traits. Rather, they would be co-occurring traits of NPD or ASPD.

 

I mention all this to caution you against jumping to the conclusion that you must have been unloved because she exhibited strong BPD traits. The question that ex-partners of BPDers most wanted answered is "Did she/he love me or was it all an act?" The answer, if the Ex only suffered from strong BPD traits, is that you likely were intensely loved -- in the immature way that young children are able to love. Importantly, this is real love even though it falls far short of what is needed to sustain a close, adult relationship. If you doubt that, just ask any parent if they believe their four year old child truly loves them. You almost certainly will be told "yes, oh yes."

If so, you've ruled out her having full-blown NPD or ASPD. Importantly, this statement in your second post above refutes your earlier claim that she "never gave a rip about me." Now you are describing traits that are consistent with strong BPD traits. Like I said above, you likely were intensely loved and your Ex subsequently lost touch with those feelings when splitting you black.

 

Thanks. I hear that. It is very hard however to reconcile the concepts that a person could have really ( eve in the 4 year old sense ) loved a person when they can split and behave in such a way that it seems that they says secretly felt nothing.

 

I'm more prone to side on BPD. I don't know much about NPD and if she were ASPD I think I would have noticed that. She tended toward childlike tendencies. I think that BPD and NPD, from what little I know, both depend on other as a source. Does one or the other have a fuller sense of self? They both seem collapsible to me, but the BPD is more prone to take on identity while the NPD uses others to fuel emptiness in a different way.

 

Thanks for your reply!

[SmartDude]

I was also one who was in a LTR with a borderline woman. Those were some crazy times. I moved all my stuff out of our house , left, and moved back in 3 times.

 

I have had objects thrown at me. I have been physically assaulted on average once per month. Been humiliated in public. Chased her down ghetto alley ways while she threatened to harm herself ...You name it, I have been there.

 

Then one day I drove away from our house, I started to feel good and "normal". I was like wtf am I feeling right now, why am I beginning to feel sane? It turns out that I was feeling what I felt like when I was away from her. I felt MYSELF again! It was a shocking revelation.

 

That was the moment when I left for good. No more push-pull. I was remembering who I was before the relationship. I wanted that back more than I wanted to stay with her.

[TalkingHead]

That's a healthy feeling.

The days do come when you distance yourself from the mania and stop personalizing it.

[Craft81]

I was also one who was in a LTR with a borderline woman. Those were some crazy times. I moved all my stuff out of our house , left, and moved back in 3 times.

 

I have had objects thrown at me. I have been physically assaulted on average once per month. Been humiliated in public. Chased her down ghetto alley ways while she threatened to harm herself ...You name it, I have been there.

 

Then one day I drove away from our house, I started to feel good and "normal". I was like wtf am I feeling right now, why am I beginning to feel sane? It turns out that I was feeling what I felt like when I was away from her. I felt MYSELF again! It was a shocking revelation.

 

That was the moment when I left for good. No more push-pull. I was remembering who I was before the relationship. I wanted that back more than I wanted to stay with her.

 

My ex attacked me with 3 very large butcher knives... but she was blacked out drunk at one time -- but still. Scary ****.

[M30USA]

My ex attacked me with 3 very large butcher knives... but she was blacked out drunk at one time -- but still. Scary ****.

 

This stuff is hard to imagine if you've never experienced it yourself. Ever see those women (or men) on TV who lose it and stab their boyfriends 75 times? If you don't get out soon enough when she FIRST comes at you with a knife, you'll be the next one in a casket.

[Craft81]

This stuff is hard to imagine if you've never experienced it yourself. Ever see those women (or men) on TV who lose it and stab their boyfriends 75 times? If you don't get out soon enough when she FIRST comes at you with a knife, you'll be the next one in a casket.

 

Yeah that was my very first "holy crap i'm scared for my life" moment... I had to disarm her 3 times while running at me swinging... all because I wouldn't sleep with her /facepalm

 

I'm just gonna stop there.

[TalkingHead]

This stuff is hard to imagine if you've never experienced it yourself. Ever see those women (or men) on TV who lose it and stab their boyfriends 75 times? If you don't get out soon enough when she FIRST comes at you with a knife, you'll be the next one in a casket.

 

That was my ex ex. I'm sure she would have snapped my neck given the chance except she had four boys to abandon when she went to prison.

 

Wow you guys make this boy's life seem idyllic!

[Caliguy30]

Wow I guess I'm lucky to of only really dealt with mental abuse, but I'm glad this thread can give people a place to discuss their experience. My biggest confusion and question is if anyone feels like they're the only one fighting for the relationship. Even though there's absolutely no reason I should want this it's still somehow me that tells her how wonderful she is and how great we are together. Even though thats definitely a complete lie. I often wonder why I want this. It's almost like I fight through the push cuz I know it will end and don't want to accept it cuz it sucks.

[Downtown]

It is very hard however to reconcile the concepts that a person could have really ( eve in the 4 year old sense ) loved a person when they can split and behave in such a way that it seems that they says secretly felt nothing.

Yes, it can be hard to imagine how a BPDer is able to have strong feelings of love and, at the same time, be completely out of touch with those feelings at a conscious level. But that is the very nature of BPD. Perhaps it will help to think of the way a four year old exhibits unbridled adoration and glee when you bring out a set of toys -- but will immediately display hatred and contempt when daddy takes one of the toys away. Like very young children, BPDers have great difficulty with perceiving "object constancy," i.e., seeing you as essentially the same personality from moment to moment.

I'm more prone to side on BPD.

I agree that, given your belief she really did love you early on, you seem to be describing the warning signs for BPD.

I think that BPD and NPD, from what little I know, both depend on other as a source. Does one or the other have a fuller sense of self?

My understanding is that, yes, BPDers have a stronger sense of their true selves than do NPDers. Although BPDers have a fragile, fragmented sense of self, they do have a general awareness that the false self image they project (as being "The Victim") is false. They therefore live in fear that, when their loved one discovers what they truly are like inside, he will be repelled by the discovery and will abandon them.

 

NPDers, in contrast, are so completely out of touch with their true selves that they really believe that their false self image (as being perfect) is the true self. The irony is that this strong belief in the false self image largely is what gives NPDers their emotional stability. BPDers, being aware much of the time that they don't really know who they are, are unstable.

[KaliLove]

Yup..it sure does suck. It'll end when you end it. When you're ready.

[TalkingHead]

Here is one thing I've done that has helped in the interpersonal communication department... For one thing I've had her on a pedestal really really bad and literally cowered with every mood swing... I've kept my head held high and I refuse to back down to her. She will NOT talk to me like we are normal people... Every single interaction is a power struggle, a threat, a convoluted problem... It's ridiculous. I won't bend to it though. It has helped me get my power back when I thought I wouldn't get through the abandonment. She's not a damn goddess. She's just another person. Stop holding them in such untouchable high regard. Not worth it.

[Emilia]

Although BPDers have a fragile, fragmented sense of self, they do have a general awareness that the false self image they project (as being "The Victim") is false. They therefore live in fear that, when their loved one discovers what they truly are like inside, he will be repelled by the discovery and will abandon them.

This was my experience with me ex. Whenever I countered when he said something that I knew to be false, he got angry and told me that he was a good actor, etc. So I stopped contradicting him and let him believe that I was 'buying it'.

[Caliguy30]

I've definitely put her on a pedestal as she has needed so much assistance with things in our time together. She has been playing the victim for so long making me think I was her knight in shining armor helping her and that she could never leave me. I definitely feel like she's scared of how well I know her. It seems like every time she pushes me away there's a different reason. It's never consistent. If it was consistent I'd say ok, but when it's so many mixed messages of crap it is so confusing. It's like I know she's confused and maybe she'll realize I'm a good thing in her life. I know everyone says run, but like Kalilove has said to me I need to be ready to do it.

[TalkingHead]

This was my experience with me ex. Whenever I countered when he said something that I knew to be false, he got angry and told me that he was a good actor, etc. So I stopped contradicting him and let him believe that I was 'buying it'.

 

That's the best way. Just smile and nod.

[TalkingHead]

Downtown, just reread your post about BPD having the capacity to love but being out of touch with it in a conscious level. I think you hit the nail on the head with that one.