The problem with "nice guys" - Comments please

[Merin]

There is a difference between being nice and being a doormat.

Same as there is a difference between being confident and being arrogant.

 

I cannot think of a Man who wants a doormat girlfriend.. or a arrogant conceded one for that matter either...

 

There are certain qualities in PEOPLE regardless of gender that just aren't attractive.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Fayebelle

Could be sheer laziness. I have a super nice guy now and it compels me to be more of a nice girl- that takes effort. It's easy to bitch, moan, and complain- but when you have a nice guy who warms up your car every morn, cooks dinner every nt, and is all around awesome- well you have to give some effort back. I would never have done laundry or warmed slippers or any one of the nice things I do for my BF if he wasn't so sweet. I'm just at a point now where I appreciate the gestures of a nice guy and want to reciprocate his kindness.

 

How about:

 

Gives you back rubs without asking for one in return.

Does Laundry and Dishes without complaining.

Takes her to dinner all the time.

Makes romantic dinners.

Let's her study without bothering her.

Fixes things for her, no complaints.

Is more concerned with her "pleasure" than his own.

 

I mean, this is just the surface and she still tells me "I don't know, I don't know!"... All I want to do is hold her hand and curl up with her and she doesn't even like me doing that.

[Fayebelle]

Then she is not ready for you. You can choose to give her time- or you can choose to take time to find someone who appreciates you for the person you are. It doesn't make either of you a bad person, no need for guilt- it may just be bad timing.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by YX32Nemesis

All your theories are true.

 

Now that I think about it, my current ex was not TOO nice in the beginning. Well, he was nice but he didn't lay it on too thick..as ConfusedinOC said - that is where the downfall occurs.. Unfortunately, "nice guys" do seem to lay it on too thick too soon. Ugh. Huge turnoff. Plus, "nice guys" will put up with anything and then they look feminine and like a wimp. Who wants that? If I wanted a girl I would be lesbian

 

I'm probably the poster child for loving bad boys. I'm even kind of embarrassed to say that I even like a bit of a criminal. Every guy I have ever dated has been a bad guy type - except for one and of course I dumped him.

 

Most girls see a guy as a nice guy if they seem desperate. No body wants someone who seems desperate and like their whole life is whole just by you giving them attention.

 

I think this might even go for guys with girls. Don't give too much at least at first. When you do, you just appear so DESPERATE. No body, guy or girl, wants that. Your perceived value plummets.

 

 

Bad Guy: Exciting, unpredictable, gives enough but not too much, masculine, isn't afraid to stick up for himself. Has some meanness to him (not too much, but just enough!).

 

Good Guy: Clingy, desperate, overly friendly and in your face, wimpy, probably a bit feminine, goodie 2 shoes, boring, acts kind of like a girl - hence all his friends that are girls, did I say desperate already?

 

 

Good to be bad.

 

Hmm, well I do admit that I give too much too soon, but I am neither a push over or a wimp. She hates controversy and will not argue with me. She'll just "clamp up". I am not a doormat either. I am just a nice guy. I mean, I'm a former Marine, I hold a black belt, I lift weights 3x a week. I'm hardly a wuss.

 

I just have a hard time hiding my feelings. I don't like to play those games and think people who do are people I wouldn't want to be with anyway. If you like playing games, and yes in a sense courting is a game, I'll cash out.

 

I wear my emotions on my sleeve and if that excludes me from the bad boy club, so be it.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

Exactly. If a woman has low or no self esteem, she'll end up being with a jerk who will remind her of that daily.

 

Exactly C.O.C.

But remember that MOST women have low or no self-esteem.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Fayebelle

Then she is not ready for you. You can choose to give her time- or you can choose to take time to find someone who appreciates you for the person you are. It doesn't make either of you a bad person, no need for guilt- it may just be bad timing.

 

I've already come to the realization that she is probably NOT the one for me. But she's also changed the way I will approach future relationships. I've learned I do need to hold back the bait a bit more. I don't think I need to make a "game" of it, just refrain from giving in too soon.

 

I mean, when I say I love someone, I MEAN IT!

[Fayebelle]

Just remember that people have an infinate supply of love to give. Of course you meant it- and you will again. The only relationships or situations you should regret are those you learn nothing from. You've already learned that you need to move on- therefore this relationship was a success. You may not be tog. forever but you were able to love and you have memories and knowledge to carry into the future.

 

hugs and luck

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by YX32Nemesis

Bad Guy: Exciting, unpredictable, gives enough but not too much, masculine, isn't afraid to stick up for himself. Has some meanness to him (not too much, but just enough!).

 

Good Guy: Clingy, desperate, overly friendly and in your face, wimpy, probably a bit feminine, goodie 2 shoes, boring, acts kind of like a girl - hence all his friends that are girls, did I say desperate already?

 

 

Good to be bad.

 

Hmm, I should bookmark this. Does bad boy include not calling you, breaking dates, etc?

 

I mean, you can be a nice guy and still be masculine. You can stick up for yourself without being a "bad boy".

 

There's got to be a balance somewhere...

[Proto]

Originally posted by YX32Nemesis

All your theories are true.

 

Now that I think about it, my current ex was not TOO nice in the beginning. Well, he was nice but he didn't lay it on too thick..as ConfusedinOC said - that is where the downfall occurs.. Unfortunately, "nice guys" do seem to lay it on too thick too soon. Ugh. Huge turnoff. Plus, "nice guys" will put up with anything and then they look feminine and like a wimp. Who wants that? If I wanted a girl I would be lesbian

 

I'm probably the poster child for loving bad boys. I'm even kind of embarrassed to say that I even like a bit of a criminal. Every guy I have ever dated has been a bad guy type - except for one and of course I dumped him.

 

Most girls see a guy as a nice guy if they seem desperate. No body wants someone who seems desperate and like their whole life is whole just by you giving them attention.

 

I think this might even go for guys with girls. Don't give too much at least at first. When you do, you just appear so DESPERATE. No body, guy or girl, wants that. Your perceived value plummets.

 

 

Bad Guy: Exciting, unpredictable, gives enough but not too much, masculine, isn't afraid to stick up for himself. Has some meanness to him (not too much, but just enough!).

 

Good Guy: Clingy, desperate, overly friendly and in your face, wimpy, probably a bit feminine, goodie 2 shoes, boring, acts kind of like a girl - hence all his friends that are girls, did I say desperate already?

 

 

Good to be bad.

 

 

No offense, but I would NEVER date you! LOL!

 

 

Women like you who think that ALL nice guys are like that are too immature and insecure to deal with a REAL man. I would look at you and just simply think that you're like that because..you really aren't on my level. A real woman would see an amazing man when she sees him, and not buy into lame-ass gimmicks like tatoos and other dumbass ****. Oh...and you would actually date a criminal??

 

HAHAHAHA!!!

 

Whatever, dude. I can tell you right now that most women really AREN'T like that at all. The friends that I have that are girls all wish they had a guy that would put as much into them as they put into their men and stop trying to act lik e some hardass all the time. Oh, and can you put away those stupid thoughts of all nice guys being wimps? Just because a guy likes to treat his woman like a queen and put her on a pedestool doesn't mean that they're pushovers.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Fayebelle

Just remember that people have an infinate supply of love to give. Of course you meant it- and you will again. The only relationships or situations you should regret are those you learn nothing from. You've already learned that you need to move on- therefore this relationship was a success. You may not be tog. forever but you were able to love and you have memories and knowledge to carry into the future.

 

hugs and luck

 

Thank you. It's hard for me because once I set my mind that I love someone and want to be with them, I can't imagine touching another woman. That's just me. I'm like a Labrador Retriever.

 

Faithful

Reliable

Dependable

Loving

Caring

 

Once I realize it's over, it's very hard for me to just pick up and move on. At 35, I am not getting any younger and finding the ideal mate will just get harder. Add in the fact I look 10 years younger than I am, it makes it hard to date anyone over 30 (looks like I am dating my older sister, lol).

 

Yes, I agree. I've learned a valuable lesson and I don't intend to repeat them (see the siggy file!). I appreciate your well wishes!

 

Having faith in God that all things will work out with prayer has defininately helped a lot. Plus, I gotta say, there are loads of great ladies at my Church so I am bound to meet one that will appreciate me!

[alphamale]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

How about:

 

Gives you back rubs without asking for one in return.

Does Laundry and Dishes without complaining.

Takes her to dinner all the time.

Makes romantic dinners.

Let's her study without bothering her.

Fixes things for her, no complaints.

Is more concerned with her "pleasure" than his own.

 

I mean, this is just the surface and she still tells me "I don't know, I don't know!"... All I want to do is hold her hand and curl up with her and she doesn't even like me doing that.

 

Dear C.O.C;

The above items are what the WOMAN should be doing for the MAN. When a man does these things regularly or in excess for the WOMAN then he becomes effeminate and no woman wants to date another woman (unless she is gay).

[iceisles]

Aside from changing who they are or what they believe in, what are some things nice guys can do to remain "competitive" with the favored bad boys? Clearly, nice guys constantly face an uphill battle.

[Proto]

Originally posted by alphamale

Dear C.O.C;

The above items are what the WOMAN should be doing for the MAN. When a man does these things regularly or in excess for the WOMAN then he becomes effeminate and no woman wants to date another woman (unless she is gay).

 

HAHA!!

 

 

 

No wonder why you're single! LOL!

[Fayebelle]

My BF is a "nice guy" A lot of my friends date "nice guys" The thing is it takes maturity on the part of the WOMAN to appreciate the nice guys. So yes - you can change and pick up some immature chicky who's gonna dump you either way when she's bored (TRUST ME- it WILL happen) or you can be patient and wait for a lady who appreciates the person you really are.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

I am not a doormat either. I am just a nice guy. I mean, I'm a former Marine, I hold a black belt, I lift weights 3x a week. I'm hardly a wuss.

 

I wear my emotions on my sleeve and if that excludes me from the bad boy club, so be it.

 

Dear C.O.C:

 

There is a huge difference between being emotionally strong and physically strong. You are comparing apples and oranges. I know dudes who can bench press 350 lbs but emotionally they can only bench press 5 lbs.

 

THese dudes look good physically to women and can get women initially but the can't KEEP women cause they are emotionally weak.

 

Then again I know a guy who is ugly, bald and overweight but very emotionally strong and he has no trouble keeping women around him and chasing him always.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by alphamale

Dear C.O.C;

The above items are what the WOMAN should be doing for the MAN. When a man does these things regularly or in excess for the WOMAN then he becomes effeminate and no woman wants to date another woman (unless she is gay).

 

Alphamale, she doesn't have time. She's a full time student and is taking a ton of classes. I only do her laundry when she's at my place. Otherwise, she's on her own.

 

The things I do right now are to help make life easier for her while going to school. If you met me, effeminate would not be a word you would use to describe me.

[Fayebelle]

Originally posted by alphamale

Dear C.O.C:

 

There is a huge difference between being emotionally strong and physically strong. You are comparing apples and oranges. I know dudes who can bench press 350 lbs but emotionally they can only bench press 5 lbs.

 

THese dudes look good physically to women and can get women initially but the can't KEEP women cause they are emotionally weak.

 

Then again I know a guy who is ugly, bald and overweight but very emotionally strong and he has no trouble keeping women around him and chasing him always.

 

Good point. That is about an emotionally strong man- we do want someone we can count on. But doing nice things to show how much you care are never "sissy"

[ntovrhm]

Well put Merin!

 

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Fayebelle

My BF is a "nice guy" A lot of my friends date "nice guys" The thing is it takes maturity on the part of the WOMAN to appreciate the nice guys. So yes - you can change and pick up some immature chicky who's gonna dump you either way when she's bored (TRUST ME- it WILL happen) or you can be patient and wait for a lady who appreciates the person you really are.

 

I think you're right. It's definitely a maturity thing. I mean, how much of the "bad boy" crap can you take before it gets old and tired?

 

Do women get tired of men being Chivalrous when they are in their 40's and up? I mean, at 70 I would still be opening the car door for my wife, bringing her flowers and taking her to romatic dinners and trips. That's just who I am. Love, for me, is eternal.

 

Bad boys fade away, but good boys last a lifetime.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

Bad boys fade away, but good boys last a lifetime.

 

Yeah, but it's waiting for the fade that's such a killer. Seems like the desire for Bad Boys has a long shelf-life.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by alphamale

Dear C.O.C:

 

There is a huge difference between being emotionally strong and physically strong. You are comparing apples and oranges. I know dudes who can bench press 350 lbs but emotionally they can only bench press 5 lbs.

 

THese dudes look good physically to women and can get women initially but the can't KEEP women cause they are emotionally weak.

 

Then again I know a guy who is ugly, bald and overweight but very emotionally strong and he has no trouble keeping women around him and chasing him always.

 

Maybe so. I don't think I am an emotional wimp. I just don't hide them. Trust me, I've told her to get bent and 5 days later she's IM'ing me like crazy. I'm taking a break from her and we'll see where it goes.

 

Another lesson learned. Note the fish comment below.

[Fayebelle]

Took me 24 yrs to get over the bad boys kay- that's not fair - I've had some good guys but I didn't appreciate them and that was my bad not their's

 

BUT HEY- who needs to get married before 25 anyway? There's plenty of time for patience

[iceisles]

This is why I like to watch those movies where the girl always falls for the kind, gentle guy. It may not be reality, but hey, it makes me feel great!

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by iceisles

Yeah, but it's waiting for the fade that's such a killer. Seems like the desire for Bad Boys has a long shelf-life.

 

Trust me, that gets old.

 

Who do you think these women turn to when they've been "wronged" by a bad boy?

 

I personally would rather wait for someone to get that part of their life over with and be ready for a mature relationship. You know, no head games, you love each other, you work at having a good relationship and CARE.

[ntovrhm]

Never been attracted to guys that treated me poorly. Was attracted to guy who seemed like a nice guy for all outward appearances, but turned out he really wasn't a nice guy on an emotional level. Got out of that.

 

There is a difference between a challenge, which can either be from a nice or bad guy, versus someone that treats you poorly (bad) or who lets you use them as a door-mat (some people's definition of "nice")