D-day

[MammaMia]

Another suggestion when you meet her, would be for you to have a VAR so you can record the conversation.. Don't tell her ( or you may want to talk to attorney whether you should tell her or not) In case she claims that you threatened her or God knows what, you will have proof that you did not. Also, if she threatens you, does or says something illegal, then you got her on tape.

But the bottom line is for you to review the conversation at home at your leisure because at the time you two talk both tempers will flare and you won't remember details.

Edited October 26, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Yesterday]

I think I am going to speak to her again. A public place with my girlfriends already there in and in place. I will let her have all her say and then I will have all my say. My first question for her will be, "what do you want to happen now?"

 

I really don't see a benefit to meeting with her. You owe her nothing, you are unlikely to change her mind about anything and she is unlikely to give you anything that you don't already know.

 

The meeting would be highly emotional on her part, she is most likely to rant about the damage you have done to her. She does not understand that this all falls on her, and your soon to be ex-husband. Do you really want to know what she wants to happen now?

 

Other than giving her a direct request to stop all contact with you, to warn her that should she not stop, you will seek a RO. This can be done by your lawyer, or in a text/email. A meeting is not necessary.

 

You have shown amazing strength and strategy to bring closure to this situation. It has also taken its toll on you with an anxiety attack, don't add to your stress by planning a meeting with her.

 

Check with your lawyer first, if you plan to proceed.

[cif]

I don;t see where it says she has gone nuts apart from trying to contact you. Why does that mean she has gone nuts. There is a chance that there is something you need to know?

 

MOW has been contacting both OP and WH nonstop, followed (?) OP to a diner, approached her with daughter there, and has made threats/promises. She has become unhinged and plans to do "whatever it takes to keep her family together". OP feels threatened enough that she notified MOW that she carries a weapon on her person. Sorry can't quote but it's in the posts.

 

The unwelcomed contact attempts are enough to get a RO.

[peaksandvalleys]

My other suggestion is, leaving it to emails or phone calls.

 

You have courage though, and you're strong!

 

Side note, what do the rest of the family think about what has happened? extended family etc? I can't remember if you posted about that or not, sorry.

 

 

The rest of the family is even more angry. I actually had to calm some of them down because they were willing to teach him a lesson. I don't want the kids hurt by those actions so they understood and are staying away from him.

[peaksandvalleys]

Can we have more detail on this because when I offered to meet BS to tell her the truth with someone else there if she wanted but NOT MM, she threatened to call the police (even though she was ringing me from his phone). I said but if she did I would prove to her beyond doubt that I was seeing her WS every day and that we were having a relationship so it would look completely stupid. I did not see that as a threat just a reaction to hers. .

 

Others are saying that she must be nuts. But she is just wanting the truth like you are i guess. Not knowing and all the lies are what is crazy making.

 

Would you want to meet her with your WS? This is something I don't understand why she would want that after she knows he has been lying for sure and that would be an emotional minefield if he continued to lie.

 

Please try and help me understand.

 

Yes, I was referring to you. If is miss spoke I apologize. You won't like my thoughts on your situation. Plus, I am not looking for the "truth". I have the truth. I only want her to have her say. In some twisted way I want to see her squirm. I want to watch her face as she tries to lie her way out of her mess and use what to see hear the excuses as to why this is my fault.

[peaksandvalleys]

I don;t see where it says she has gone nuts apart from trying to contact you. Why does that mean she has gone nuts. There is a chance that there is something you need to know?

 

 

Trust me. There is nothing I need to know. That is why I dipped into my savings to leave no stone unturned and not to trust the words of those involved.

[peaksandvalleys]

Another suggestion when you meet her, would be for you to have a VAR so you can record the conversation.. Don't tell her ( or you may want to talk to attorney whether you should tell her or not) In case she claims that you threatened her or God knows what, you will have proof that you did not. Also, if she threatens you, does or says something illegal, then you got her on tape.

But the bottom line is for you to review the conversation at home at your leisure because at the time you two talk both tempers will flare and you won't remember details.

 

 

Cell phones record. That is a good idea. I will ask my lawyer

[goodyblue]

Well, my apologies if I offend anyone but this whole thread sounds crazy. And uncivilized. And frankly, scary. I do not know why, if you have made your decision to divorce, you have the proof, that you need to make this worse. Escalating the situation is dangerous for all. It's like some lifetime movie gone off the rails.

 

I would recommend reigning yourself in.

 

If she didn't stop contacting me, I'd call the police. I wouldn't put up with that. But I certainly wouldn't arrange meetings to 'watch her squirm'. For all you know, she won't. I certainly wouldn't if I ever met up with my guys ex wife. I would not confront, but I certainly wouldn't back down.

 

So be careful. Try and diffuse the situation. I know you're angry. It's understandable. But don't do anything you'll later regret.

[peaksandvalleys]

Well, my apologies if I offend anyone but this whole thread sounds crazy. And uncivilized. And frankly, scary. I do not know why, if you have made your decision to divorce, you have the proof, that you need to make this worse. Escalating the situation is dangerous for all. It's like some lifetime movie gone off the rails.

 

I would recommend reigning yourself in.

 

If she didn't stop contacting me, I'd call the police. I wouldn't put up with that. But I certainly wouldn't arrange meetings to 'watch her squirm'. For all you know, she won't. I certainly wouldn't if I ever met up with my guys ex wife. I would not confront, but I certainly wouldn't back down.

 

So be careful. Try and diffuse the situation. I know you're angry. It's understandable. But don't do anything you'll later regret.

 

 

Not offended at all. But if my thread offends you then it is probably best you do not read anymore. I am in control and I have no regrets. IF I do something that becomes cringe worthy I will deal with the consequences, lifetime movie or not.

[peaksandvalleys]

Well are you sure, i mean I know that i would not lie to BS at all, that was the point in MM not coming and just denying everything but then I did not have to convince another party. It is MM that has done all the lying. But I guess you have made your decision. I am amazed at how strong you are being and I am imagining my MM making BS breakfast right now and saying how wonderful she is (your post earlier). Also 30 years married. I asked him if he his family was wanting to celebrate it this year and he said no, they had no idea. But I doubt that was true also. I was interested to read someone's post on sociopaths, how they can just turn on the emotions, got me thinking that. I have called his phone a couple of times because i really want to tell him what I think but it is on VM as he is busy saving his ass. When I told her the truth, he told her he had gone to my house to end it. Typical lie eh?

 

Can I ask how you got proof? I sent her photos of us together and told her what they were doing last week, as he told me. I did that so he could not lie anymore. Don't know what constitutes providing proof or what proves someone to be a nut job though.

 

 

I hired and investigator after I did some sleuthing on my own. I paid to have their lives dug deeply into.

[peaksandvalleys]

but what proved it 100%. I mean surely only pics of them doing stuff could prove it beyond doubt and who would take those? I mean would you take photos of them hugging as proof?

 

I don't know what you want me to say. 100% is me seeing them with my own eyes. There is enough evidence that says they both will regret their choices.

[2sure]

After acknowledging that my XH was not going to give me truth I also hired an investigator . It was well worth it because it saved me from the agony of having those circular conversations, wondering and guessing. It was SUCH a relief to just know. Even though I was divorcing , I still wanted the truth.

 

There are or have been several OW and BS here that met and confronted MM directly together. There are others that didn't speak to each other prior to having a conversation between OW, BS, and MM. So, it serves a purpose and a valid one.

 

Often both BS and OW are being lied to. Often, one of them doesn't accept they are being lied to. No one knows the extent they we lied to until this 3 way conversation takes place. With the MM right there, having to talk circles with both right there it all becomes very obvious . I'm not saying he wouldn't continue to lie, just that it would be pretty obvious.

 

I'm not sure that a face to face meeting between OW and BS is necessary under other circumstances. I did it. But there weren't any nut jobs or conflict . Just sad confused women.

 

But, I'm kind of like you OP, right or wrong. I won't look for conflict but if it's brought to me , depending on the circumstances , Im comfortable Participating . For my own curiosity , entertainment, or even relief of anger. Then I get bored with it and walk away.

[goodyblue]

Not offended at all. But if my thread offends you then it is probably best you do not read anymore. I am in control and I have no regrets. IF I do something that becomes cringe worthy I will deal with the consequences, lifetime movie or not.

 

I never said your thread offended me. I simply said that with each post it sounds more crazy and off the rails. And it does. You say you are in control... but what can you control really? Only yourself. You can't control her, or even your husband if he snaps. And you DO sound, to me, like you almost wouldn't mind if things got ugly.

 

Recipe for disaster:

 

1 WS, who we THINK may have gone no contact.

2 AP who is calling the house, whom you say followed you, etc.

3 a pissed off, crazed, gun toting BS.

 

Yep. I think it's a recipe for disaster and you should take a step back. And don't worry, I'm going to keep reading, it's too batsh*t not to.

[Furious]

I never said your thread offended me. I simply said that with each post it sounds more crazy and off the rails. And it does. You say you are in control... but what can you control really? Only yourself. You can't control her, or even your husband if he snaps. And you DO sound, to me, like you almost wouldn't mind if things got ugly.

 

Recipe for disaster:

 

1 WS, who we THINK may have gone no contact.

2 AP who is calling the house, whom you say followed you, etc.

3 a pissed off, crazed, gun toting BS.

 

Yep. I think it's a recipe for disaster and you should take a step back. And don't worry, I'm going to keep reading, it's too batsh*t not to.

 

 

I disagree. I see a woman who is in complete control and is very very smart.

 

If anything, it's the WS and OW in P&V's situation who are in shock that they're not calling the shots any longer.

[ComingInHot]

goodyblue wrote " And frankly, scary. "

 

Only scary if you're the OW, WH or illegal... Peaks, So far So GOOD!

 

...I'm still against a "meet & greet" though*

[sweet_pea]

I never said your thread offended me. I simply said that with each post it sounds more crazy and off the rails. And it does. You say you are in control... but what can you control really? Only yourself. You can't control her, or even your husband if he snaps. And you DO sound, to me, like you almost wouldn't mind if things got ugly.

 

Recipe for disaster:

 

1 WS, who we THINK may have gone no contact.

2 AP who is calling the house, whom you say followed you, etc.

3 a pissed off, crazed, gun toting BS.

 

Yep. I think it's a recipe for disaster and you should take a step back. And don't worry, I'm going to keep reading, it's too batsh*t not to.

 

Calling peaks crazed was definitely uncalled for and kind of funny, considering she is the LEAST crazed out of everyone in the situation. Have you missed what the OW has done to her so far, or do you not want to believe it?

[sweet_pea]

I should also add that I think you are handling yourself very well, considering the crappy situation you've been handed. Some people probably just don't like the fact that you aren't being nice to xOW/WS. You're doing what's right for you. You aren't "crazed." pissed off? Duh. But you are being very smart from top to bottom and have kept it very cool, calm and collected and that is great. We'll be thinking about you & are here for you! I am also sorry to hear about the hospital/anxiety attack. Hope you're doing much better.

Edited October 26, 2013 by sweet_pea

[goodyblue]

Everyone seems to think that I am personally attacking Peaks. I'm most certainly not. I do think that, as BS, you are absolutely justified in being hurt, angry and every other emotion you're feeling. They are yours to feel and of course nobody has the right to say otherwise. I'm not saying that.

 

I not even saying that you did the wrong thing with the PI or finding out etc. It is YOUR marriage. When I said batsh*t, I didn't mean you, I meant the situation. And it is a crazy situation. Even you must see that. Clearly your WS and AP have made that happen, but you making things worse by meeting and causing more drama, possibly angering her to the point of hurting you, is never a good idea.

 

What I AM saying is that I am concerned about all parties involved getting so emotionally distraught that things go awry for everyone. I'm just saying, be careful. I realize you are in control of yourself. It's everyone else that you can't control that I worry about.

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting. Even as a former OW, I can see why you would be so horribly upset and feel that your life has been turned upside down. I'm not telling you to slink away. In fact, stand tall. But, you need to be very careful. Even if you are justified (you are) and you feel you are right (I think you are), you can't unkill someone, you can't uncommit a crime, you can't unfight someone, or unattack them, or have them unattack you, or unhurt you. Just be careful. That's all.

[peaksandvalleys]

I never said your thread offended me. I simply said that with each post it sounds more crazy and off the rails. And it does. You say you are in control... but what can you control really? Only yourself. You can't control her, or even your husband if he snaps. And you DO sound, to me, like you almost wouldn't mind if things got ugly.

 

Recipe for disaster:

 

1 WS, who we THINK may have gone no contact.

2 AP who is calling the house, whom you say followed you, etc.

3 a pissed off, crazed, gun toting BS.

 

Yep. I think it's a recipe for disaster and you should take a step back. And don't worry, I'm going to keep reading, it's too batsh*t not to.

 

 

I am not trying to control anyone but myself. And no I do not mind if things get ugly for them. I have never said differently.

[peaksandvalleys]

I consider your actions not only reasonable under such extreme and painful circumstances, but perfectly justified considering the barrage of disgusting behaviour you have had to endure from your husband and his concubine.

 

Don't let anyone attempt to convince you that you are not entitled to 'have your say'. Both your husband and his other woman have bleated about the 'injustice' of your (dignified) response to their behaviour, and frankly, what on earth was it they expected when the manure really hit the fan?? Butterflies and roses??

 

Neither of them cared when they decided to involve you in an open marriage without even consulting you, and now that you are aware of such conduct, put their hands up in the air and cry, 'wore is me'??

 

There should be a more descriptive word used for the day the treachery of the person they trusted most is revealed. Perhaps 'degrading day' would be more applicable.

 

 

Don't worry, I have no intention of buying into the thought processes of those who disagree with my actions.

[peaksandvalleys]

After acknowledging that my XH was not going to give me truth I also hired an investigator . It was well worth it because it saved me from the agony of having those circular conversations, wondering and guessing. It was SUCH a relief to just know. Even though I was divorcing , I still wanted the truth.

 

There are or have been several OW and BS here that met and confronted MM directly together. There are others that didn't speak to each other prior to having a conversation between OW, BS, and MM. So, it serves a purpose and a valid one.

 

Often both BS and OW are being lied to. Often, one of them doesn't accept they are being lied to. No one knows the extent they we lied to until this 3 way conversation takes place. With the MM right there, having to talk circles with both right there it all becomes very obvious . I'm not saying he wouldn't continue to lie, just that it would be pretty obvious.

 

I'm not sure that a face to face meeting between OW and BS is necessary under other circumstances. I did it. But there weren't any nut jobs or conflict . Just sad confused women.

 

But, I'm kind of like you OP, right or wrong. I won't look for conflict but if it's brought to me , depending on the circumstances , Im comfortable Participating . For my own curiosity , entertainment, or even relief of anger. Then I get bored with it and walk away.

 

 

Thank you. I feel the same way about things. I will do what I deem necessary to deal with my anger. I won't do anything illegal.

[peaksandvalleys]

I actually never said the AP followed me. I said that I hadn't given it much thought as to how/why she showed up. Whether WS told her because he was faking sleep or because she followed us from the house(post #61 in this thread). I didn't speculate one way or the other. .02 doesn't go very far in todays economy.

Edited October 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted posting redacted

[2sure]

When I divorced my X , I hired a divorce attorney , a forensic accountant, and a criminal attorney. At the end I had to hire a third attorney to work with the divorce attorney, but the criminal attorney was just so I could cover myself during the time I was getting my head together. I would ask her, "Can I do This?" and she would tell me how to do what I wanted within the law.

[peaksandvalleys]

When I divorced my X , I hired a divorce attorney , a forensic accountant, and a criminal attorney. At the end I had to hire a third attorney to work with the divorce attorney, but the criminal attorney was just so I could cover myself during the time I was getting my head together. I would ask her, "Can I do This?" and she would tell me how to do what I wanted within the law.

 

 

^^^^Exactly.

[rumbleseat]

 

I actually never said the AP followed me. I said that I hadn't given it much thought as to how/why she showed up. Whether WS told her because he was faking sleep or because she followed us from the house(post #61 in this thread). I didn't speculate one way or the other. .02 doesn't go very far in todays economy.

 

You sound like the only one in this situation who is actually thinking and planning ahead. You are being pragmatic,and if you want to meet with her, that's up to you. She has the option to not show up if she doesn't want to.

 

Funny how when an ow or mm thinks only of themselves and their own selfish needs, that, at least to a certain group of people, is fine. They, after all, can't help it, they are "in love". When a bs thinks of protecting herself and doing what she needs to do to move on, all of it perfectly legal, she is told by this same group that she is crazy, bitter, vengeful. I wonder why they refuse to consider that maybe she was in love, she's been hurt and betrayed and now she is looking out for herself and her children.

 

It sounds as if you were careful and took steps to have everything I place to have the process of uncoupling from your husband go as smothly as possible. I wonder why the ws and ow are so ticked. You'd think, seeing as they are "in lurve" and all that they'd be throwing you a ticker tape parade and kissing you feet for releasing him so they can be together and live the rest of their loves as the star crossed soul mates they really are

 

Now why do you suppose they aren't happy about you being willing to walk away? Could it be that she isn't worth all that you do for him, and your ws isn't good enough for her to leave her marriage for?

Edited October 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited quote