D-day

[cozycottagelg]

How did the OW know you'd be there? Yikes.

 

Is your daughter doing okay having had to witness this?

[BetrayedH]

Talked with my kids yesterday. They are shocked to say the least. I didn't give them all the details but they are going to find out some pretty big ones soon enough. I don't want to get into all we talked about because I hate seeing them so hurt and it is hard to type that. I go home, he's not there and I try to get some sleep. Nodding off and waking up. Too many thoughts running through my head. When I finally doze off I hear my name being screamed at the top of his lungs. He is sloppy drunk! I mean drunk and I have NEVER seen him drunk before. A little tipsy but not drunk. I try to ignore him but he goes into the kitchen and starts to bang pots and pans. I don't know why he is trying to cook he has never done that before. So I go down.

 

He tells me how sorry he is, that he didn't mean for any of this to hurt me or our family. He wants to know what he can do to make it right. I tell him he can do nothing and I am going to bed. He literally starts bawling like a two year old. I mean WTH? Isn't this what you wanted? He says it isn't and that he is confused. He loves us both but he has a history with me and to let him make it up to me. I tried to go upstairs and he kept blocking my way telling me that I am being unreasonable to throw away so many good years.

 

I asked him if he read all the information in the package. He said he didn't because he knew the information. I told him to go read EVERYTHING that I know the extent that he and OW have been involved and how long that involvement has lasted. He is so drunk he isn't even filtering anything he says. He says,

 

"she told me you would be a "B" about this and that you would take us down because you can't handle being rejected."

 

I literally laughed in his face. I told him I have been rejected by you for the last 20 years so that is nothing new to me now get the hell out of my way. Get upstairs and I crash. Wake up to my youngest shaking me. Says dad called last night and told them he was going to disappear. She hung up on him which explains why he got drunk.

 

She and I go to get breakfast and in walks the OW. She makes a beeline for me and asks me if we can talk? That is a big mistake on her part. I ask my daughter to move to a table across the restaurant with her phone handy. She sits, I wait for her to talk and she starts to cry. What the hell is with all the crying? I am the one who should be balling my freaking eyeballs out. Do any of you know what it is like to have a brick sitting in your stomach pressing down and at the same time have something slowly sucking the air out of your lungs? That's how I felt, I still feel typing this.

 

She wants to know if I know what I am doing to her family? How her husband is hurting? That he is asking for a paternity test for their youngest? If I considered the damage I was doing to two families? She wanted to inform her family and career mean everything to her and how much my WS REALLY does love me. He loves me as much as she loves her husband. By the way I think she is right about that one. She loves her husband as much as my WS loves me which is not at all. She wants me to know that she never meant to hurt me so she can't understand why I am intentionally trying to hurt her. She wants me to understand what she will loose if I go through with my plans and that she doesn't appreciate being named in my divorce proceedings that we had problems before her.

 

I want to throw up on her nice outfit. When she finally takes a breath I speak. I let her know that I don't give a damn about her future or her career. Sometimes you ought to think about where you step before you make that move. You never know what you might step in. For the second time in a 12 hour period I am called a "B". I let her know that she has no idea how much of a "B" I will be if she comes near me again and that I have a permit to carry a loaded weapon. I won't hesitate to use it if I feel like I am in danger and then I leaned back and said very loudly, "should really be careful who you sleep with. All wives won't treat as generously as I have". I got up to leave only to be told this isn't over. "I will fight for my family". I am good with that I plan to fight for mine as well. WS is all yours with his broke a(s)(s).

 

Just typing this makes my blood boil and the knots twist in my stomach. I will met with her BS one last time because he has a couple of questions he wants info about. I will let him know I will no longer communicate until I am in a better place.

 

For what it's worth, you're doing well. Even when emotional, you're making rational decisions. That's tough to do but keep doing it. Make decisions with your head, not your emotions. Let it all out in therapy.

[yellowmaverick]

she told me you would be a "B" about this and that you would take us down because you can't handle being rejected."

 

 

 

Yeah, you are SUCH a b**** for not "letting" your H and his side piece screw around behind your back!! What are you thinking??

 

I want to throw up on her nice outfit. When she finally takes a breath I speak. I let her know that I don't give a damn about her future or her career. Sometimes you ought to think about where you step before you make that move. You never know what you might step in. For the second time in a 12 hour period I am called a "B". I let her know that she has no idea how much of a "B" I will be if she comes near me again and that I have a permit to carry a loaded weapon. I won't hesitate to use it if I feel like I am in danger and then I leaned back and said very loudly, "should really be careful who you sleep with. All wives won't treat as generously as I have". I got up to leave only to be told this isn't over. "I will fight for my family". I am good with that I plan to fight for mine as well. WS is all yours with his broke a(s)(s).

 

 

Good for you. After my H's mistress stalked me and my children, I put my "B" boots on as well. Let's just say that her "15 minutes of fame" cost her a lifetime of reputation. Nobody messes with my kids!!

[BetrayedH]

Don't let them get you to believe that you're doing anything to them. They had their fun for a few years and now they are paying the price. It's a natural consequence of infidelity for the betrayed spouse to file for divorce and to cite um, adultery and the involved parties. It's also a natural consequence to subsequently split/sell assets like homes and businesses. This was all part of the risk that they took.

 

Let them rant and rave (to someone else).

[velvette]

Wow......she has a lot of nerve lol. I'm in awe of your self control. I would have had to at least accidentally on purpose spill my drink on her.

 

Clearly she stalked you to find this opening to speak to you. Might be time for a cease and desist letter from your attorney.

 

Your H doesn't sound bright enough to be M to you.......

 

While toying with these two could provide a great deal of entertainment, I think for your own sake, you need to be away from their drivel.

 

Even you must have a limit somewhere and the constant blood boiling is going to eventually exhaust your adrenal glands and result in PSTD.

 

Can you get away with your daughter for the weekend or visit a friend......change of scene might be good for you right about now.

[peaksandvalleys]

How did the OW know you'd be there? Yikes.

 

Is your daughter doing okay having had to witness this?

 

 

You know my brain is so muddled I didn't really think of this. I don't know if he was faking sleep, though I can't see how as drunk as he was or she followed us from the house. She is angry and upset but as long as she thinks I am okay she will be fine.

[underwater2010]

Its sad but good that your daughter was there to witness. She got to see that you are not acting crazy and exactly what kind of crap your WH brought into the marriage.

[ladydesigner]

Good lord (((P&V))) you have been through a war. You have handled everything including the meeting with the MOW like a star.

 

I agree with the other poster who suggested maybe taking a nice trip with your daughter. Get some peace from this madness for a bit.

[peaksandvalleys]

Wow......she has a lot of nerve lol. I'm in awe of your self control. I would have had to at least accidentally on purpose spill my drink on her.

 

Clearly she stalked you to find this opening to speak to you. Might be time for a cease and desist letter from your attorney.

 

Your H doesn't sound bright enough to be M to you.......

 

While toying with these two could provide a great deal of entertainment, I think for your own sake, you need to be away from their drivel.

 

Even you must have a limit somewhere and the constant blood boiling is going to eventually exhaust your adrenal glands and result in PSTD.

 

Can you get away with your daughter for the weekend or visit a friend......change of scene might be good for you right about now.

 

 

I really can't get away right now. There are some other pressing family issues that I have to deal with. I don't think I can relax anywhere I am right now. This has been a constant thought in my mind for weeks, months even. I can't let go yet.

[peaksandvalleys]

I don't know if I will be able to answer many questions this weekend. I think I might stay away from the house and I know there are some things I really have to focus to take care of. Thank you all.

[rumbleseat]

So you are to blame or standing up for yourself, for protecting yourself and your children, for not taking any of their crap.

 

In some ways, they sound like typical bullies. They are happy to get awya with whatever they can , but when they get caught, and you don't just sit back and take it, it's all YOUR fault?

 

Hmmm...how terrible of you to force the two of them to fri around and then get angry about it

 

They are blaming you when the whole ting fall on their laps. She has zero business complaining, as if she had not been sleeping with your husband, her marriage wouldn't be at risk.

 

Maybe the two of them should look in the mirror instead of blaming you.

[peaksandvalleys]

You popped their wonderful life bubble. I think they are reacting quite normaly and like human beings. Their worlds are falling a part and that is a hard pill to swallow. Nothing they have said or done should be unexpected. The point was never to get caught. And almost all affair relationships think they are the ones that won't be caught.

 

His kids will see him in a different light

Financially he will be destroyed

He probably truly believes he loves you... But that doesn't change anything because it isn't the kind of love you want.

 

Her life is even more ruined specially if the paternity test shows BH isn't the daddy. And being sued for someone else breaking their vows never makes people feel sorry for their actions.

 

I do have a question though, will suing her affect her H? Because if so I would drop it in a heartbeat.

 

Nothing they do should surprise you. It is really to bad you can't get away.

 

Also, threatening her that you are packing was not a good move. Far better to threated her with a RO. I know you were just leting her know you can protect yourself but you never know when convos are being recorded.

 

 

As I said, I am legally authorized to carry and I won't hesitate if I feel threatened. I did not threaten but informed her of my reality. If she feels the need to record, I think that is probably a good thing. As it would not only record my conversations but hers. I am less impressed with RO because they are pieces of paper but that's just me. I won't go near her or her property as there is no need to. But she doesn't strike me as someone who would care too much about a RO.

 

She should fear what her BH "might' do to her world than what I "might" do. I have almost met my goals and objectives where they are concerned she/they on the other hand not so much.

[threelaurels]

I want to throw up on her nice outfit. When she finally takes a breath I speak. I let her know that I don't give a damn about her future or her career. Sometimes you ought to think about where you step before you make that move. You never know what you might step in. For the second time in a 12 hour period I am called a "B". I let her know that she has no idea how much of a "B" I will be if she comes near me again and that I have a permit to carry a loaded weapon. I won't hesitate to use it if I feel like I am in danger and then I leaned back and said very loudly, "should really be careful who you sleep with. All wives won't treat as generously as I have". I got up to leave only to be told this isn't over. "I will fight for my family". I am good with that I plan to fight for mine as well. WS is all yours with his broke a(s)(s).

 

As a fellow CCWer, I totally got a ladyboner reading that. There is nothing sexier than a confident, independent woman who knows how to use a firearm to defend herself. Forget him and marry me instead :love:

 

The OW sounds like a nutjob. Stalking you to a restaurant and confronting you in front of your daughter? Wtf.

[unicorn farts]

Yeeeeccchhh! WH and OW deserve each other, what a pair of creeps. I'm happy things are working out for you Peaks, and I hope you can find some space to breathe and relax this weekend.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I find AP/WS often hide behind intent. When what they really mean, is you weren't supposed to find out, and I don't want consequences.

 

Intent does not speak to damage inflicted.

 

Intent does not absolve one of the mess they create. Some hide behind that to avoid ownership , having to fix it, make amends, and gracefully take their consequences.

 

And one could argue, that they were both quite aware of the pain that they would be handing out...if they got caught, and being that they only viewed it as other peoples pain, not theirs....they greenlighted themselves. So, intent to hurt was always there, they just didn't see it as them being hurt.

[ladydesigner]

Can you get thee to a fancy hotel for the weekend to get away? You need some rest my dear so you can gear up to fight off the crazies next week.

[Spark1111]

Not today, but maybe in the weeks and months to come, you will reflect back to the actions and conversations of these two at this time and be gobsmacked at how they acted like rebellious teenagers caught by mommy.

 

It wasn't their fault, they never meant to hurt you, and please stop destroying our lives with.....consequences for our actions. How despicable of you to tell the truth.

 

I remember those Post D-Day thoughts and feelings where I did seem to be the ONLY adult in the triangle.

 

Don't EVER be made to second guess your maturity, resolve and integrity by others who have lost their own.

[ladydesigner]

Don't EVER be made to second guess your maturity, resolve and integrity by others who have lost their own.

 

 

Oh I love this Spark I would love to use as my tagline on another site

[jlola]

I find AP/WS often hide behind intent. When what they really mean, is you weren't supposed to find out, and I don't want consequences.

 

Intent does not speak to damage inflicted.

 

Intent does not absolve one of the mess they create. Some hide behind that to avoid ownership , having to fix it, make amends, and gracefully take their consequences.

 

And one could argue, that they were both quite aware of the pain that they would be handing out...if they got caught, and being that they only viewed it as other peoples pain, not theirs....they greenlighted themselves. So, intent to hurt was always there, they just didn't see it as them being hurt.

 

I CONFESS - THE ENGLISH BEAT

 

Just out of spite,

I confess I've ruined three lives

Now don't sleep so tight

Because I didn't care till I found out that one of them was mine.

[cozycottagelg]

I find AP/WS often hide behind intent. When what they really mean, is you weren't supposed to find out, and I don't want consequences.

 

Intent does not speak to damage inflicted.

 

Intent does not absolve one of the mess they create. Some hide behind that to avoid ownership , having to fix it, make amends, and gracefully take their consequences.

 

And one could argue, that they were both quite aware of the pain that they would be handing out...if they got caught, and being that they only viewed it as other peoples pain, not theirs....they greenlighted themselves. So, intent to hurt was always there, they just didn't see it as them being hurt.

 

I love this post.

[whichwayisup]

I find AP/WS often hide behind intent. When what they really mean, is you weren't supposed to find out, and I don't want consequences.

 

This pretty much says it all!

 

Yet when a BS reacts, all of a sudden they are held to a higher standard and expected to take it up the butt with a smile and not be mean, not say a bad word or feel angry and react. They are expected to be 'adults' and handle the A and fallout with grace and maturity. If a BS steps over the line, omg, they are evil, should have an RO thrown against them because they text and reach out to the xAP.

[Spark1111]

This pretty much says it all!

 

Yet when a BS reacts, all of a sudden they are held to a higher standard and expected to take it up the butt with a smile and not be mean, not say a bad word or feel angry and react. They are expected to be 'adults' and handle the A and fallout with grace and maturity. If a BS steps over the line, omg, they are evil, should have an RO thrown against them because they text and reach out to the xAP.

 

It has always amazed me too the higher standard expected of ME, the betrayed, unknowing and innocent victim in all of it.

 

So, so, unfair and I can only conclude that they really, really expected me to act with the grace, dignity and discretion they lacked while rutting around like teenagers and lying DAILY about it.

 

How shocked they were when I pulled out so many stops to be what I authentically was.....an angry woman scorned with a broken heart.

 

How dare I, the non-entity tiny blip on their radar, to actually have tears, anger, and bleed.....like a real human being with feelings all my own.

 

I vowed to be heard, to be real, and to make myself, wants, feelings, anger and outrage KNOWN after DDAy, and I DO NOT regret it.

[ladydesigner]

This pretty much says it all!

 

Yet when a BS reacts, all of a sudden they are held to a higher standard and expected to take it up the butt with a smile and not be mean, not say a bad word or feel angry and react. They are expected to be 'adults' and handle the A and fallout with grace and maturity. If a BS steps over the line, omg, they are evil, should have an RO thrown against them because they text and reach out to the xAP.

 

I didn't handle my WH's A like an adult so I always take those posts a little personally . I am learning now how to better cope through my therapy and medication. My therapist always reassures me that I had normal reactions to such a traumatic event. I wish we weren't held to this higher standard sometimes. Affairs are really so hard to deal with.

[ladydesigner]

It's not about being held to a higher standard than the ws. Obvioulsy the ws was held to a high standard, the same standard and failed. So then it is the BS turn and the same standard.

 

OMG and I failed My WH and I are both working on our areas that we are not so proud of.

[Spark1111]

Ive seen it both ways. Just depends on your pov and what your sensitive too. I don't think the ws are behaving well but I think it is to be expected and not surprising.

 

 

Whether a bs a ws or an ow/ap you are only responsible for your own actions. And so yes, i belive every bs should do their hardest not to do anything that goes against what they believe is right or wrong because they may come to regret it.

 

Frankly, i get a little tired of the "petting" some bs do for others and use that "you shouldn't be held to a higher standard" bs (which is what you are basically saying.

 

This BS has made her choices and she owns them. She is behaving very legal and above board. But by the comments often made it is almost like some people thing if one spouse throws their standards out the window it gives the other a green light to. Ummm that is blaming someone else for your own choices. Your choice is still your choice.

 

Even bs should be encouraged to behave in a manner they will not be ashamed of.

 

Well, in a perfect, rational and HONEST world, I would NEVER stoop low because I wouldn't have CAUSE to. It is so NOT who I am.

 

But after DDAY, I didn't CARE to be rational, kind, above board and gracious.

 

In retrospect, my caring, trusting and loving nature played a major part in allowing me to betrayed.

 

Yet, to say WSs are not behaving well is about as euphemistic a phrase as I have ever heard.

 

Please don't bury your hand in the sand. The volatility of discovering emotional, sexual betrayal and the daily deceit necessary to accomplish it is hands down, one of the worst experiences of my life.

 

I lost my mind, my soul, my reality there for a while and in all honesty, I look back at that time and am VERY, VERY PROUD of whatever restraint I was able to manage.

 

Yes, we are all an erudite and well-spoken group here on relationship blogs.

 

But make no mistake. The violence, often murder, that accompanies betrayal are well documented by law enforcement agencies.

 

I applaud ANY BS who can find a shred of decorum, self-respect and constraint to execute a mature response to having been betrayed.

 

Like a former poster once said: No was killed, beaten or went to jail....although it came close. All in all, a good result."

 

AMEN to that.