D-day

[whichwayisup]

Ive seen it both ways. Just depends on your pov and what your sensitive too. I don't think the ws are behaving well but I think it is to be expected and not surprising.

 

 

Whether a bs a ws or an ow/ap you are only responsible for your own actions. And so yes, i belive every bs should do their hardest not to do anything that goes against what they believe is right or wrong because they may come to regret it.

 

Frankly, i get a little tired of the "petting" some bs do for others and use that "you shouldn't be held to a higher standard" bs (which is what you are basically saying.

 

This BS has made her choices and she owns them. She is behaving very legal and above board. But by the comments often made it is almost like some people thing if one spouse throws their standards out the window it gives the other a green light to. Ummm that is blaming someone else for your own choices. Your choice is still your choice.

 

Even bs should be encouraged to behave in a manner they will not be ashamed of.

 

Many OW think BS's should be held to higher standard, that's my point.

 

I guess in an affair triangle I believe the innocent and unsuspecting one has a right to be upset. It's like you're saying that the other two in the triangle should suffer no conquences.

[whichwayisup]

I didn't handle my WH's A like an adult so I always take those posts a little personally . I am learning now how to better cope through my therapy and medication. My therapist always reassures me that I had normal reactions to such a traumatic event. I wish we weren't held to this higher standard sometimes. Affairs are really so hard to deal with.

 

I think a BS can react anyway she chooses to, within the law of course! Her or his world got turned upside down and it's kind of silly for a WS or AP to expect the BS to be calm cool and collected, mature and 'adult' like.

 

I'm sure you would have loved to shove a hot poker up yer H's butt after finding out and having a dday.

[jnel921]

As I said, I am legally authorized to carry and I won't hesitate if I feel threatened. I did not threaten but informed her of my reality. If she feels the need to record, I think that is probably a good thing. As it would not only record my conversations but hers. I am less impressed with RO because they are pieces of paper but that's just me. I won't go near her or her property as there is no need to. But she doesn't strike me as someone who would care too much about a RO.

 

She should fear what her BH "might' do to her world than what I "might" do. I have almost met my goals and objectives where they are concerned she/they on the other hand not so much.

 

I would be careful about telling her you now carry a gun or saying anything angry or words that express violent intent. This can get you in big trouble if something happens down the road.

 

I am glad you were able to get your things in order before you confronted your WH. You have every right to feel hurt and upset. Please do not focus too hard on the anger. Focus on getting your divorce if that is where you really want to do.

 

I can't agree that any conversations with the OW are helpful. She wants to save her family. When our spouses are caught now they realize the hurt and pain. It is a selfish act. Some of us can forgive it and some can't.

 

If you already know you wont forgive your H and work it out and you have your papers in order, why not just a clean break?

[HtotheN]

I let her know that I don't give a damn about her future or her career. Sometimes you ought to think about where you step before you make that move. You never know what you might step in.

 

 

As someone said in another thread the other day, "don't start nuthin, won't be nuthin"

 

 

Well done. Stay strong.

[HtotheN]

I don't know if I will be able to answer many questions this weekend. I think I might stay away from the house and I know there are some things I really have to focus to take care of. Thank you all.

 

(((((hugs))))))))

[HtotheN]

See, people love to attack a ws. I have never buried my head in the sand and you obviously missed the entire point of my posts which is.

 

 

People ahould encourage people on these forums to behave in a way that they will not regret later rather thn pet them and say

 

"its okay, you were hurt, you can do whatever you want"

 

Hell no.

 

But apparently even encouraging people to be "the better person" is burying your head in the sand , saying the ws shouldn't suffer consequences, and somehow letting them off the hook.

 

Get real, there is a difference between yelling, crying, and ending your marriage to reactions i listed in my other post.

 

While I agree that a d-day does not entitle the BS carte blanche with regard to his/her behavior, I find it amusing that WS/OW/OM are so quick to point out that the BS must behave. To be sure, there are certain things which are absolutely unacceptable (crime, etc.) but had one of the OW tried to remind me that I needed to "follow the rules", I would have clocked her. (And smiled while awaiting bail.) Okay, I would not have broken the law but the irony/hypocrisy would not have escaped me either.

[Speakingofwhich]

Each person is building their future with their actions of the present. No matter their circumstances. We are all in the same boat in this regard.

 

We all make mistakes in our behaviors. But, it is never too late to take inventory of the bricks we are using to build with and if need be to exchange them for ones that are more stable and more attractive.

 

The more gracious the building blocks we use in the present, the more likely it is that those we would want to invite into our lives in both the present and the future will want to accept our invitation.

[HtotheN]

The more gracious the building blocks we use in the present, the more likely it is that those we would want to invite into our lives in both the present and the future will want to accept our invitation.

 

Well said. The only thing that I might change is this:

The more gracious the building blocks we use in the present, the more likely it is that those we would want to invite into our lives in both the present and the future will be worthy of our invitation. ie living with integrity and thus attracting those with integrity.

[rumbleseat]

OP,

It sounds as if you are living with integrity and are being true to yourself. You are taking a road that can't be an easy one, but you've chosen it with a level head and open heart.

 

It's inspiring to any bs on here that whatever decision they make, if they are true to themselves they will make the right choice.

[Journee]

I really hope you are taking care of yourself PandV. I bet you are exhausted. I hope sleep comes to you and you can rest. Try to eat and drink. It sounds crazy to those who have not been betrayed like this but ya just " forget" to do those things. Things your body needs to function properly.

 

Keep posting if it helps to get it all out.

[ComingInHot]

peaksandvalley, You are the ONLY one in this situation who has been Honest, Forthright, Sincere, Ethical, Moral and acted with Integrity.

Normally, the ONLY people who have a problem with this, are the ones who are acting or have acted in contrary.

 

Take this to heart P&V! It's amazing how angry those living poorly get when those living good continue to do the right things.

 

There is a powerful new song out (can't remember name ) but the refrain reads, "I Will Sing On the Battlefield, I Will Dance Through the Tears".

 

I know you are hurting but I see you doing just this! I am SO impressed with how you are handling Everything through this battle.

CIH*

[sweet_pea]

How are you doing, Peaks?

[peaksandvalleys]

How are you doing, Peaks?

 

 

Things are crazy for more than the reason I am here. I ended up in the ER. I thought I was having a heart attack but it was a panic attack. That was so painful and I never want to feel that again. I have been reading just not feeling like posting much. He showed up at the hospital, that didn't help my blood pressure too much so he was told to leave by the kids. He didn't like that. He felt as if he should be making medical decisions for me. I think he has used up all his "rights" to make decisions about me and I will be talking with my lawyer about making that clear.

 

Apparently, he is begging the kids to talk to me. They say he thinks I moving too fast. That I haven't considered all the repercussions of a "rash" decision. He wants us all to go to counseling and he will fight the divorce because he doesn't want one. I guess he still thinks that I am irrational and vindictive. That's kind of funny in a sad way.

[peaksandvalleys]

I would be careful about telling her you now carry a gun or saying anything angry or words that express violent intent. This can get you in big trouble if something happens down the road.

 

I am glad you were able to get your things in order before you confronted your WH. You have every right to feel hurt and upset. Please do not focus too hard on the anger. Focus on getting your divorce if that is where you really want to do.

 

I can't agree that any conversations with the OW are helpful. She wants to save her family. When our spouses are caught now they realize the hurt and pain. It is a selfish act. Some of us can forgive it and some can't.

 

If you already know you wont forgive your H and work it out and you have your papers in order, why not just a clean break?

 

 

I didn't tell her I carry a gun nor did I express any intent other than to protect myself at all costs. I recognize that we might not all use the same path to get to where we need to be. I am glad your path is working out for you and your family. Mine will be different. What I consider a clean break might not look like that to from the outside. I know what I need to make it clean and that is to make my feelings known to all involved. My words to both of them have come from anger. There is no other place for them to come from for now.

[ThorntonMelon]

Apparently, he is begging the kids to talk to me. They say he thinks I moving too fast. That I haven't considered all the repercussions of a "rash" decision. He wants us all to go to counseling and he will fight the divorce because he doesn't want one.

 

I really believe that even though your kids are older (I think) that this above truly suggests he is a person that you should remove from your life in every way.

 

After all the damage his behavior has done, he has decided to paint you the bad guy breaking up the family and using the kids to deliver the message. I absolutely would try to have him removed from making medical decisions on your behalf and I would go scorched earth on him if I could. I think there is nothing more low than using kids of any age to fight your battles and it's disgusting to read. Truly pisses me off.

[whichwayisup]

Things are crazy for more than the reason I am here. I ended up in the ER. I thought I was having a heart attack but it was a panic attack. That was so painful and I never want to feel that again. I have been reading just not feeling like posting much. He showed up at the hospital, that didn't help my blood pressure too much so he was told to leave by the kids. He didn't like that. He felt as if he should be making medical decisions for me. I think he has used up all his "rights" to make decisions about me and I will be talking with my lawyer about making that clear.

 

Apparently, he is begging the kids to talk to me. They say he thinks I moving too fast. That I haven't considered all the repercussions of a "rash" decision. He wants us all to go to counseling and he will fight the divorce because he doesn't want one. I guess he still thinks that I am irrational and vindictive. That's kind of funny in a sad way.

 

Hope you're feeling better. Anxiety can mimmick so many other health issues, so glad to hear that's all it was.

 

Your (ex) H has some pretty big balls! It's like he's forgotten what he's done behind your back and is acting like a victim in all this! Makes me mad reading it.

 

I wonder what his OW would think if she knew what he's been doing, how he's been acting? It's sad for her because he's probably telling her the opposite of what is really going on, and she is believing him because she loves him and is taking his words to heart.

[peaksandvalleys]

Hope you're feeling better. Anxiety can mimmick so many other health issues, so glad to hear that's all it was.

 

Your (ex) H has some pretty big balls! It's like he's forgotten what he's done behind your back and is acting like a victim in all this! Makes me mad reading it.

 

I wonder what his OW would think if she knew what he's been doing, how he's been acting? It's sad for her because he's probably telling her the opposite of what is really going on, and she is believing him because she loves him and is taking his words to heart.

 

 

Have to admit. I wondered the same thing. I know she is still calling but I used an ap that blocks all numbers that aren't in my phone. I can look up the details later to see if it is a private number or spam. I am sure I haven't heard the last of her.

[underwater2010]

Things are crazy for more than the reason I am here. I ended up in the ER. I thought I was having a heart attack but it was a panic attack. That was so painful and I never want to feel that again. I have been reading just not feeling like posting much. He showed up at the hospital, that didn't help my blood pressure too much so he was told to leave by the kids. He didn't like that. He felt as if he should be making medical decisions for me. I think he has used up all his "rights" to make decisions about me and I will be talking with my lawyer about making that clear.

 

Apparently, he is begging the kids to talk to me. They say he thinks I moving too fast. That I haven't considered all the repercussions of a "rash" decision. He wants us all to go to counseling and he will fight the divorce because he doesn't want one. I guess he still thinks that I am irrational and vindictive. That's kind of funny in a sad way.

I was worried it would all catch up once your tasks were complete. Sorry you had to end up in the ER. Be sure that you are eating (healthy fat foods such as peanut butter and avocados), drinking water and sleeping. If you need meds to help you get through please use them. In other words TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

 

Good thought on going to the lawyer about who controls you medical care....maybe have one of your kids named to clarify things further. I would not even list him as an emergency contact, use your kids instead.

 

He can fight the divorce all he wants. You don't seem like the type to back down. HUGS!!!!

[whichwayisup]

Have to admit. I wondered the same thing. I know she is still calling but I used an ap that blocks all numbers that aren't in my phone. I can look up the details later to see if it is a private number or spam. I am sure I haven't heard the last of her.

 

Have you thought about letting her know what he's been doing? In detail? Not that she would believe you as she gonna believe him... Might be worth trying though, this way she can at least 'hear' another side of what he *may* be telling her.

[peaksandvalleys]

Have you thought about letting her know what he's been doing? In detail? Not that she would believe you as she gonna believe him... Might be worth trying though, this way she can at least 'hear' another side of what he *may* be telling her.

 

 

It's a thought. Might be something I will discuss with my friends and get their take on it. I did have to calm them down because they wanted to hurt him and her. I might not want to open that can of worms again.

[underwater2010]

Have you thought about letting her know what he's been doing? In detail? Not that she would believe you as she gonna believe him... Might be worth trying though, this way she can at least 'hear' another side of what he *may* be telling her.

I don't think this is a good idea. OP already made it clear that she does NOT want further contact with OW. They had their sit down and talk. It is time to walk away and let the tiles fall where they will.

 

Trust me when I say that OW will realize the game being played soon enough.

[dichotomy]

Benadryl can act as cheap otc anti anxiety drug. Don't drive on it. Or use it regularly

 

I am glad your kids were there for you.

 

Take care

[peaksandvalleys]

I wake up to the smell of breakfast. I assumed one of my kids have let themselves in and decided to make breakfast. Wrong:sick: it is WS. Yells good morning over the music and tells me to sit down he has a big day planned for us:confused:. All I can stomach is coffee and a bagel.

 

So is it going to be like this until I can move out? My new place isn't ready so I have to stay here a bit longer than I thought. He informs me he has a counseling appointment set up for us tomorrow and one for himself for today. He is going to show me the kind of man he can be. Yada, yada, yada.

 

Gave my lawyer a call and he told me to play nice so that if he decides to fight tooth and nail I can say I did everything possible. I feel as if I have done everything anyway. I trust the lawyer but this just makes me even more angry. How am I dealing with his blah, blah, blah you ask. I am typing to you as his lips continue to flap in the wind. He needs some certs or tic tacs or something.

 

On another note I got an email from OW's H who says that his paternity tests results should be in soon but that it doesn't matter whether the child is biologically his. I can respect that. As long as he has the facts he can choose what he wants to do with them. He also warned me that she is on the warpath. Big deal so am I. I am holding on by a thread so coming at me any kind of way is not in her best interest right now.

[cozycottagelg]

I wake up to the smell of breakfast. I assumed one of my kids have let themselves in and decided to make breakfast. Wrong:sick: it is WS. Yells good morning over the music and tells me to sit down he has a big day planned for us:confused:. All I can stomach is coffee and a bagel.

 

So is it going to be like this until I can move out? My new place isn't ready so I have to stay here a bit longer than I thought. He informs me he has a counseling appointment set up for us tomorrow and one for himself for today. He is going to show me the kind of man he can be. Yada, yada, yada.

 

Gave my lawyer a call and he told me to play nice so that if he decides to fight tooth and nail I can say I did everything possible. I feel as if I have done everything anyway. I trust the lawyer but this just makes me even more angry. How am I dealing with his blah, blah, blah you ask. I am typing to you as his lips continue to flap in the wind. He needs some certs or tic tacs or something.

 

On another note I got an email from OW's H who says that his paternity tests results should be in soon but that it doesn't matter whether the child is biologically his. I can respect that. As long as he has the facts he can choose what he wants to do with them. He also warned me that she is on the warpath. Big deal so am I. I am holding on by a thread so coming at me any kind of way is not in her best interest right now.

 

Oh my gosh..he has a lot of nerve planning YOUR day. Asshat. You know the kind of man he can be. You've been with him this long. I am eye rolling HUGE over here.

 

A warpath?? Really? Good luck with that, lady.

[peaksandvalleys]

He wants to do lunch, just talk, get to know each other again. :lmao: So I asked him what should I know about him that I don't know? He starts in on how he loves me and he doesn't think I know that. You think? Fool.

 

I ask him about OW and her child? He says he doesn't want to spoil today by bringing up things that are only going to hurt me. So why didn't you think of hurting me before this minute? He quietly says he did not think I would find out.

 

WOW! just WOW!