Perspective from a MM and ?'s

[Got it]

There are multiple reasons why someone cheats so the outcome and their happiness is going to vary. There are some individuals where it wouldn't matter who they are with, if they are with anyone, what continent they live on, etc. they are not going to be happy because they do not actually make the moves or the understanding to figure out how to be happy. So the "players" in their lives don't matter. They are just chess pieces that are moved around but to no real avail.

 

Happiness while impacted by external forces is mainly between one's two ears. One has to understand themselves to understand why they are unhappy and how they can be happy. I think human nature is a general struggle between the grass is greener for many things (a new job, new house, new spouse, new etc. ) and fear of change and/or comfortability. You have people on either end of the spectrum.

 

I know for me that I am happier out of my previous marriage. That is not determined by whether or not I am with my AP or not. I have never regretted divorcing as it was the right decision for us. And in talks with my ex, he has not had second thoughts on it either.

[Got it]

Thanks Cali408 that is exactly what I needed to hear.

 

I don't feel I am playing the victim or feeling sorry for myself, but if others are reading that into the words that I am writing - I don't know, then maybe I am?

 

HereNow I'm not sure what my actions are other than struggling with feelings I am trying to determine what they exactly are, I'm not sure how they can't be love, but I do need to look into what others are saying and probably getting into some professional therapy.

 

I feel like to this point I have tried to do the right thing out of doing the weak and wrong thing. I am not with OW anymore I am trying to make it work with my W and M and I am now trying to deal with these feelings I have now, I guess turning here first, which will lead to some more help. Of course if I find I really do love someone else and more, I will have to tell my W this to make her own choices. To be clear I'm not patting myself on the back for any of this I'm just realizing the process and coming on here has really helped open my eyes and get a reality check.

 

I still feel you can love more than one, and know most of you will disagree and your points have given me a reason to doubt that and that is what I realize is one of many things I need to get professional help with.

 

Bottom line I get I need to focus my love and thoughts on who I am with, and forget what could have been/be with the OW cause I'm just causing more problems.

 

I am not sure how far you are out from the separation but I don't think this is uncommon in the beginning process. Some call it "defogging" some call it "weaning", etc. I believe that all relationships are different in this area. Some BS have stated that if their WS is missing the OP they don't want to know it, that they need to work through these feelings on their own. Some BS want the full unvarnished truth at all times so want all thoughts even stream of consciousness.

 

Are you in IC? MC? I think this is something to bring up in MC and ask your spouse how she wants this handled. I think if you are moving forward with reconciliation you need to look at all opportunities to reconnect back into the relationship and here is a prime example of such. Right now you are living a good bit in your head. I think that is normal and how many WS are by the point they are cheating. I know that I was, I really lived a separate life with my spouse and there was a lot of dialogue and thinking going on that I wasn't talking to him about. Our situation was different as we divorced.

 

But since you are stepping back into your marriage, look for was to start reconnecting your emotional and mental thought process times to be a partnership with your spouse. Stop feeling like you need to work through everything on your own. Now obviously this needs to be done at the discretion of how she is feeling and she may say she doesn't want to know anything, just figure it out. But take the opportunities to get her insight and thoughts. I know you don't want to hurt her and that is important. But she may surprise you and you may walk away sharing your thoughts, getting some valuable insight from her, and feeling more connected to her than you did going in.

[Confused48]

I am not sure how far you are out from the separation but I don't think this is uncommon in the beginning process. Some call it "defogging" some call it "weaning", etc. I believe that all relationships are different in this area. Some BS have stated that if their WS is missing the OP they don't want to know it, that they need to work through these feelings on their own. Some BS want the full unvarnished truth at all times so want all thoughts even stream of consciousness.

 

This is a very good point that no one has made yet. When I (BS) first came here people told me that whether I knew it or not my WS was probably still pining for the AP. I did confirm that to be true. It hurt to know that but people here told me that b/c this was true in most cases, where Dday ended the A, I could be patient. As long as there was NC. I could wait for the fog to lift. In my case it did happen and I'm grateful that I got the advice to be patient and give time a chance. I still don't know if I will stay with WS but at least I get a chance to make that decision from a whole different perspective than I would have otherwise.

 

The lesson for the OP though is to perhaps trust his W to have patience. His W already is showing a great deal of love and commitment to still be with him. The OP may very well have the option of being truthful about his doubts and having the W help him in a supportive way. This information could actually be helpful in the reconciliation attempt. If he self discloses. It could be ruinous if the W finds out on her own.

[waterwoman]

"I still don't know if I will stay with WS but at least I get a chance to make that decision from a whole different perspective than I would have otherwise."

 

Quite. That is something every ambivalent WS should bear in mind. The decision to keep the marriage isn't one-sided. For any BS blindsided and desperately shocked on dday there may come a point where the effort to reconcile and forgive is too much and no matter what they wanted at the start, they may just walk away. The pain and effort required is too great in the end. Don't assume you have carte blanche to take your sweet time. It's not just OW that may walk.

[cocorico]

Do most OW enter into an A with the end goal of the MM leaving their M for them?

 

I guess it depends on the OW. Just as you gave a typology of MM, so you could correspondingly construct a typology of OW. Some (esp some MOW) just want an A, don't want to / can't leave their own situation, but want the intimacy an A offers. Others fall for a man who happens to be M, without thinking of a "goal". For others, including myself, the "goal" changed along the way for both of us, and we decided that we wanted to be together.

 

Do most OW enter the A knowing that he is a MM?

 

I don't know of any stats on this, but I imagine the unknowing OW is a smaller subset.

 

What % of fault do you think is MM vs OW? I can see where most here and society as a whole say 80% MM, BS may think opposite

 

I don't think either is at "fault" as that implies I consider it wrong.

I think the MP that has made promises has a responsibility to keep them or communicate that they no longer feel bound by the promise, but that is between the MP and the BS.

The OW's responsibility is to act within her own values, whatever those are.

 

I am not sure of any real statistics but I would guess out of all A's the MM leaves his wife for the OW 10-15% of the time, and 50% of them want to but don't.

 

I suspect this varies from place to place and context to context. There are no reliable, robust studies, only journalistic accounts of small, skewed samples in particular locations, so it's hard to know.

 

At my Christmas dinner table, there would be three such couples (2 MM M to OW, one MW M to OM).

[AlwaysGrowing]

At my Christmas dinner table, there would be three such couples (2 MM M to OW, one MW M to OM).

 

That isn't anymore reliable than the data you discount. It speaks more to the saying "You are the company you keep'

[Cali408]

You can be in love with two people. I know that for sure. Now some of you may say, "if you loved your spouse, you wouldn't do this." I disagree. It's not about loving your spouse, it's about fulfilling some need in your psyche. Selfishness. I knew I still loved my wife because the worst part of d day was the hurt you put your spouse through.

 

Most affairs are for validating something missing or perceived missing in life. Then you get addicted to the way you feel. For me it was validation. I sucked up all the valor for my AP. In my mind I was Prince Charming, Sir Lancelot and Don Juan, all rolled into one saving my damsel in distress from her marriage. I was the answer to her unhappiness. I thrived on being validated. What an egomaniac.

 

From a selfish standpoint the worst parts for the cheater are, having to withdraw from that addiction to the hormones (stage 1 love) and the tarnish in your relationship with your spouse. The shine has come off what was perceived to be a good marriage.

 

You can say you get what you deserve and I agree. The best analogy is taking the vacation of your life and the bill is a 15 year mortgage that you have to pay when it's over. It's tough.

[Cali408]

Seething and Smiling, you're taking it out of context. When you're in the affair, you feel on top of the world, you are having the time of your life. But then you have to deal with the sadness, anger, withdrawal. That's the bill It's an analogy, nothing more nothing less.

 

Of course I wouldn't tell my wife that. I was stupid, but not that stupid:o

 

It was a huge mistake on my part. I chose to do it. I blame no one but myself. This post was intended to be educational from the cheaters point of view, not a glamorization of what happened.

Edited September 26, 2013 by Cali408

[cocorico]

At my Christmas dinner table, there would be three such couples (2 MM M to OW, one MW M to OM).

 

That isn't anymore reliable than the data you discount. It speaks more to the saying "You are the company you keep'

 

Where did I claimit was more reliable? I was simply offering it up by way of anecdote, much as everyone else here does.

 

As for "you are the company you keep", you may notice that people tend to share information when they know it will be received in a supportive, or non-judgmental way, and are less inclined if the prospect is of a hostile reception. So, people who are virulently anti-A are less likely to be confided in by people about past As, even if they think they know them well.

[cocorico]

This is a very common belief amongst OPs. They don't call crying about their lifestyle. They don't go into a rage when the lifestyle has a date lined up.

 

People do not choose to be with someone they do not love when someone they do love is right there because of a lifestyle. That may be the excuse they give, but realistically, if you love one person and do not love another, it would have to be a hell of a lifestyle change to give up a person you are in love with.

 

Again, WSs lie. To everyone.

 

*Some* WS lie to everyone. Some lie only to the BS. Some don't lie, except perhaps by omission.

 

And while I've never heard IRL of a WS crying about a BS or raging when e BS had a date, I do know of some who feel exceedingly cut up about loss of lifestyle - especially loss of 24X7 access to the kids.

[HopingAgain]

*Some* WS lie to everyone. Some lie only to the BS. Some don't lie, except perhaps by omission.

 

And while I've never heard IRL of a WS crying about a BS or raging when e BS had a date, I do know of some who feel exceedingly cut up about loss of lifestyle - especially loss of 24X7 access to the kids.

 

I don't think a liar that lies to only one person exists. Liars lie, the recipient of the lie is notreally factor in because lies are completely self serving.

 

Just about every Wayward spouse I've encountered express some regret or remorse once their BS moves on. Material posessions can be replaced. People can't. And most waywards are still able to maintain relationships with their kids just like any other parent that divorces.

[jlola]

This is a very common belief amongst OPs. They don't call crying about their lifestyle. They don't go into a rage when the lifestyle has a date lined up.

 

People do not choose to be with someone they do not love when someone they do love is right there because of a lifestyle. That may be the excuse they give, but realistically, if you love one person and do not love another, it would have to be a hell of a lifestyle change to give up a person you are in love with.

 

Again, WSs lie. To everyone.

 

 

I agree. True love is about sacrifice. But it seems MW/MM in affairs do not like consequences or sacrifice.

 

I am an immigrant. So are all my family. We all have sacrificed at one time or another to come to the U.S. or Canada. Many of my generation and the generation before me have had to leave their children back home in our home country for years at a time. Sending money back home every month. Working hard in order to get everyone a VISA. Noone cries, "But I will not get to see my kids everyday". They just do it because they understand it is the "greater good". Sometimes, the "greater good" would be for unloving couples to divorce in order for the children to live in a peaceful home. You can still have joint custody.

 

All I am saying is lifestyle should not dictate whether or not you will keep people in limbo. How many here in the U.s. are in armed forces and do not see children everyday? Parents working in Alaska or other states,truckers. they all do what they have to do. My cousin's husband is a lawyer and in in Japan 2 weeks out of the month. Sure he misses his children greatly. But he does what h has to do to ensure they have all they need.

 

I am so sick of hearing."I cannot divorce because I will not see my kids everyday" Yet, they have time to spend texting,talking on the phone for hours and being with AP. Isn't that taking time from the kids?

 

As for divorce. Again. we live in the U.S. divorce is common. For those who act like they would be ostracized if they divorced. Get over it! You are not that important! Many people divorce.

 

I come from a very Catholic family. Everyone of my mother's 9 siblings went to convent school. High walls and all. . All my aunts would go to 6AM mass before work. Bible praying everywhere. guess what? Many of the younger nieces and nephews have gotten divorced. The previous generation is accepting it.

 

Families are close in my culture. The families do bond in marriage since we tend to inter marry within a certain group. So just say a last name and someone can tell you the family history. But even when they are intertwined, divorced is accepted.

 

Unless you are extreme Muslim or Hindu, why are people acting as though divorce will so opposed by family, they will be ostracized? This is not 1940, so I doubt that.

 

Excuses are all MW/MM want. Or is it control. I don't know. I watch the ID channel alot and from what I can see most of the folks who are on it always puzzle me. Everyone always ask, why did they simply not get a divorce if they were so unhappy?. But some personality types want it all. The AP, the house, kids all the finance. No consequences or having to put up with pain and discomfort for a short while. Nope, They do not like sacrifice.

[waytogo]

I'm struck by how many people asked, xMM is that you? I did a double take

also

 

It seems to me there's a reason most As sound so similar. While I was in

it I did think mine was just different than it sounded. It wasn't at all.

 

I'm guessing first poster is the same as my xMM. The responsibilities feel like they are choking you at times. I've felt that both as a single and married person. As can be an escape. If not caught by BS, disruption to the WS

is minimal. Nothing like turning his or her world upside down to D.

AP may offer some excitement and diversion but no reason to leave home

or disrupt the familiar.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Where did I claimit was more reliable? I was simply offering it up by way of anecdote, much as everyone else here does.

 

As for "you are the company you keep", you may notice that people tend to share information when they know it will be received in a supportive, or non-judgmental way, and are less inclined if the prospect is of a hostile reception. So, people who are virulently anti-A are less likely to be confided in by people about past As, even if they think they know them well.

 

I can easily find support for any number, actually any unhealthy vice, act or idea. So what? Does that make them "good" people for me to be around.

 

And I think many, many people who had an affair, and lost their way of life, live to regret it. I have met so many women in their 40's+, who left good marriages (notice how I didnt say perfect) because they got a little bit of attention from some guy and then got it in their heads that they were all that and a bag of chips. They decided "they deserve to be happy" (whatever that means), and threw away everything...the husband and the family unit. Only to find out later, that they acted on an emotion, which are not necessarily based on truth and most definitely not static. They realized that they were having a low point in their life, and tried to fix it in a very self destructive way.

 

Having said that, there are marriages that should end not just after an affair, but before. From the stand point of the WS, BS or both.

[jlola]

LOL Liars lie, to just about everyone they meet. Once a person lies to those so close to them, the rest don't even matter. WSs lie.

 

I find it hard to believe you don't know anyone that left their spouse and then regretted it. It is so common it would be funny if it wasn't so tragic.

 

I'm not calling you a liar. Perhaps people don't disclose such information to you, for a variety of reasons. There could be many factors, but it is quite common.

Greg Norman gave up a 25 year marriage and $103 Million to marry Chris Everett his affair partner. Too bad it didn't last. She has regrets. Especially since husband she left found another woman.

 

 

 

A SEPARATE PEACE

 

When she and Norman married, it was yet another storybook scenario. This time, though, she barely knew the leading man.

 

"Basically," she says, "I married my affair." (Though she is quick to point out that she didn't sleep with Norman while she was still married to Mill.)

 

When Evert and Norman divorced all too shortly thereafter, she fell apart. She thought about the huge mistake she had made, the pain she had caused Mill, whom she had described as "my husband and best friend and soul mate." She thought about what she had done to her children. She thought about what she had done to Norman's ex-wife.

 

"I have something to say to women and married couples out there: I was with Andy for 18 years. It was a good, solid marriage. When we were growing apart, I should have nailed it right then and there, and communicated, but I didn't. And when someone came into my life, I just left.

Chris Evert Opens Up About Three Failed Marriages - Read More on ELLE.com - ELLE

[Betterthanthis13]

No I don't think I am handling this in an ideal fashion, but to run home and cause a D lose my kids because I'm trying to sort out some deep seeded feelings is easier said that done. Do I think I am doing the right thing, absolutely not, am I trying to go through a process yes, half the people say what I am feeling is really not love the other half think I need to man up and make an immediate decision. I see both sides, I'm not happy with myself with how this is all happening, but I love my wife and if I didn't it would be easy to tell her, as many suggest, is this fair to her? no I admit it isn't the A wasn't and the feelings I have aren't.

 

Yes I definitely need to admit what I am going through and my W make her own decision to be in the process of working through it and trying to get through my struggles, or choosing not to and be done?(most likely) who knows but I do agree it is her choice.

 

Its easy for the words we write to be taken entirely different with how they are intended, and a sensitive man who is not hasty (seriously only 24 hours of posts and indecision) does not mean I am any less of a man, a fool - dumb a$$ - weak... yes but I respectfully disagree with the other. Thanks for helping get me to what I need to do.

 

I have not yet read this lengthy thread, please forgive me if this question has been asked of you already- but what do you think made you choose a path of cheating, rather than pursue an open marriage or polyamory situation? Why choose lies over honesty?

[jlola]

I don't know anyone who left their spouse and regretted it. I know not one person and I am surrounded with divorced people. 50 percent where I come from.

 

Greg Norman gave up a 25 year marriage and $103 Million to marry Chris Everett his affair partner. Too bad it didn't last. She has regrets. Especially since husband she left found another woman.

 

 

 

A SEPARATE PEACE

 

When she and Norman married, it was yet another storybook scenario. This time, though, she barely knew the leading man.

 

"Basically," she says, "I married my affair." (Though she is quick to point out that she didn't sleep with Norman while she was still married to Mill.)

 

When Evert and Norman divorced all too shortly thereafter, she fell apart. She thought about the huge mistake she had made, the pain she had caused Mill, whom she had described as "my husband and best friend and soul mate." She thought about what she had done to her children. She thought about what she had done to Norman's ex-wife.

 

"I have something to say to women and married couples out there: I was with Andy for 18 years. It was a good, solid marriage. When we were growing apart, I should have nailed it right then and there, and communicated, but I didn't. And when someone came into my life, I just left.

Chris Evert Opens Up About Three Failed Marriages - Read More on ELLE.com - ELLE

 

And I can tell you my 5x married sister regrets leaving husband #4 for "love of her life","soulmate" husband #5. She never says it but we can all feel and see the resentment that grew after the honeymoon stage and her rose colored glasses came off.

 

I joked with my other sister that we should put a sand timer on all of her relationships. As soon as she is living with them full-time, not just pining. But living with 24/7. It usually takes 2 years at the most 3 when her rose colored glasses come off. The "in love" feelings are replaced with complaints about some personality trait he always had. But before the timer is out, trait is cute. Endearing. But after living together 24/7 trait is unbearable and exaggerated.

[HopingAgain]

Greg Norman gave up a 25 year marriage and $103 Million to marry Chris Everett his affair partner. Too bad it didn't last. She has regrets. Especially since husband she left found another woman.

 

 

 

A SEPARATE PEACE

 

When she and Norman married, it was yet another storybook scenario. This time, though, she barely knew the leading man.

 

"Basically," she says, "I married my affair." (Though she is quick to point out that she didn't sleep with Norman while she was still married to Mill.)

 

When Evert and Norman divorced all too shortly thereafter, she fell apart. She thought about the huge mistake she had made, the pain she had caused Mill, whom she had described as "my husband and best friend and soul mate." She thought about what she had done to her children. She thought about what she had done to Norman's ex-wife.

 

"I have something to say to women and married couples out there: I was with Andy for 18 years. It was a good, solid marriage. When we were growing apart, I should have nailed it right then and there, and communicated, but I didn't. And when someone came into my life, I just left.

Chris Evert Opens Up About Three Failed Marriages - Read More on ELLE.com - ELLE

 

And I can tell you my 5x married sister regrets leaving husband #4 for "love of her life","soulmate" husband #5. She never says it but we can all feel and see the resentment that grew after the honeymoon stage and her rose colored glasses came off.

 

I joked with my other sister that we should put a sand timer on all of her relationships. As soon as she is living with them full-time, not just pining. But living with 24/7. It usually takes 2 years at the most 3 when her rose colored glasses come off. The "in love" feelings are replaced with complaints about some personality trait he always had. But before the timer is out, trait is cute. Endearing. But after living together 24/7 trait is unbearable and exaggerated.

 

And this is just one of many countless similar scenarios!

[happy stillmore]

It appears this thread has become a battleground for BS and APs. Anyone can provide examples to support their argument. Heck, King Edward VII of England gave up the throne to marry Wallis Simpson. Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward were married for over 50 years after starting with an affair. This is not a tug-of-war where one side wins or proves they were right if OP goes their way. A "win" for me is if OP can reach a decision and find peace.

 

OP's situation is unique to him. His situation brings different angles or details that only he knows. Not all situations can be applied to OP as we all know each situation is different. (just like the people in affairs are all different.)

 

OP needs time and space to reach a solution. He needs to be honest with everyone: himself, wife and OW. He needs to get real and ask himself a lot of questions (a few examples of many):

 

 

 

• Can you feel the spark again for your wife?
  
• Are you in contact with OW? If not, does that impact your decisions to stay?
  
• Would you be happier living on your own if you can not find it within yourself to give 100% to whomever you decide to be with?
  
• Do you know what being true to yourself even is? If not, I suggest talking to a therapist (not being rude). I think some people have lost their sense of self and end up just going along for the ride in their life. They will not ever feel happiness as they do not have control of their lives.
  
• Are you strong enough to fight the storm if you decide a different life for yourself?
  
• What do you define happiness as?
  

You must live an open life from now on. Either way that you decide, you must face straight-on and with conviction. No more lies or deceit. What a free feeling that will be. Get everything out in the open and start being an honest "You". It will be hard as I believe you have been living a charade. If you love your wife, tell her, live it. If you can not get OW out of your thoughts, be honest with your wife. I know we have established how that is lying and disrespectful to her. You can start today. Shake the weight off of your shoulders. Whatever you decide, you will have to acknowledge the pain involved and do whatever is needed to help heal yourself and others to move on. There is no easy way but sometimes one must fight for what their heart wants. Give your all in order to have the life you want, either with your wife, OW or yourself. (You can be happy on your own too.)

 

THIS ABOVE ALL, TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE.

Edited September 26, 2013 by happy stillmore

[happy stillmore]

Well its not that anyone here would want you to leave, but perhaps you are simply posting it in the inappropriate place as I would think most people in this section, BSs, don't really care about your concern for the OW. They are more than likely concerned with how your wife is doing.

 

Vellocet,

 

I do not want to argue with you but I would like to point out OP posted under The Other Man/Woman Forum. This forum is for the Other Persons who are involved with a committed partner. "It is the other side of the story."

 

We, OW and OM, have been gracious in allowing ourselves to be beat up pretty bad by some BSs (and with good reason in most cases) on this forum. I think his posting is appropriate for this forum. While we appreciate BS' input on the situation, no one is taking sides or favoring one side. That is not serving a purpose to state "BSs, don't really care about your concern for the OW. They are more than likely concerned with how your wife is doing."

 

The only purpose I see is the anger and vengeance being disguised as posts on this forum by some BSs. I would like to say all members of this forum care about each other. (Again, I WOULD like to say but it is becoming apparent some are using this forum as retaliation.

 

Please feel free to post if you think your comments will help this OP resolve his dilemmas.

Edited September 26, 2013 by happy stillmore

[secretlady76]

It was in the OW/OM forum......and then someone moved it to the Infidelity forum.......goodness knows why....talk about red rag to a bull.

 

ETA

*******Moderators note *********

 

It was moved to the infidelity forum because the relationship isn't fitting for the OW/OM forum, it is suited for this forum.

 

Is the OP a OM?

 

"Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here."

Edited September 26, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Speakingofwhich]

Greg Norman gave up a 25 year marriage and $103 Million to marry Chris Everett his affair partner. Too bad it didn't last. She has regrets. Especially since husband she left found another woman.

 

Seems she was happy with Andy Mill after having had an affair (not with Lloyd, don't think) while married to John Lloyd and leaving him.

 

Has anyone read where she regretted leaving Lloyd?

 

Think it's possible that it depends on who you are leaving and the sitch whether you regret it or not?

 

Just got off the phone with a dear friend whose wife left him about twelve years ago to marry OMM she'd had an A with. OWW and OMM remain happily married and today my friend, BS, told me he has found "the one!" I actually introduced them! Though he really didn't want XW to leave he told me that he thought she was good for the first half of his married life and his fiancee and he are better matched for the second half. He has been first class all the way with his exW, her affair, remarriage, etc. So happy for him now finding a great lady!

 

I know about ten couples who paired from As and are doing great, all married more than five years. (Going to a 90th b'day party in two weeks for a guy who's been married thirty years to OW) However, I know hundreds of couples who have stayed together and I assume they're doing great! Could it be that it depends on the particular parties involved as to whether it works out or not? And whether there are regrets or not?

 

Just have to add, I know some couples who have stayed together after infidelity, had R, and then relapsed, but still stay and are miserable (know because one of the parties has told me). That's the worst, imho. Hasten to add I'm sure there are some who were unfaithful, had R, stayed together, and are happy. Probably those are the least to be heard from as to whether they're glad they stayed or not since they probably want to keep the infidelity a secret, I would think.

[HopingAgain]

Most people in life don't like to talk about their regrets and mistakes at all. If they do, it will usually be to people who they know will be a vault and not share the confession to anyone else. Many take that type of stuff to the grave.

 

In the case of all the "Happily Married" affair couples, do you think they share their struggles with casual and even many close friends? No ones wants to admit that their fairy tale romance that they burned down their entire worlds for would up to be just a regular old run of the mill relationship...or worse, a hellish or unstable one. There is a sense of Pride there and proving everyone wrong, surviving against all odds, etc. etc.

 

It is very RARE indeed that you will find a couple who started as an affair who will realistically share their struggles.

[hestheone66]

I wasn't looking for an A or someone better than my W it just happened for some reason. I had opportunities before and since to be with OW but I truly didn't/don't want that, it could only happen with her.... and did. These are the only 2 women I have and will probably ever love.

 

or does that just seem ridiculous?

 

It doesnt sound ridiculous. Some people are capable of great love for more than 1 person simultaneously,but our socitety make rules against this. I see it like a type of secualty to be truly polyamouros

[Journee]

It doesnt sound ridiculous. Some people are capable of great love for more than 1 person simultaneously,but our socitety make rules against this. I see it like a type of secualty to be truly polyamouros

 

This talk of society stifling human nature is brought up quite a bit. I of course, cannot sspeak for the whole of society... not even a part of it. I can say for myself that my opinion is that I don't think the problem is with loving/ kissing/ having sex with more than one person. It's when one person is kept in the dark. One person has no idea they are sharing a penis ( in this case) with another woman. If his wife were aware then she would be able to choose if sharing her husband is what she wants as a part of her life. She may want to get poly with another man too. Shouldn't everyone be able to choose if they want to take part in something like this? Society doesn't have the problem. MM does.