Perspective from a MM and ?'s

[Journee]

I think you can love more than one person, but I don't believe in soul mates like some seem to. I don't believe there's only ONE person out there that we're meant to be with. And I think you can love multiple people in different ways.

 

HOWEVER, I think you need to decide who you want to commit to, preferably the person that you find the strongest love feeling, connection, etc. with and stick with that one person (or at least leave the person that you don't feel is the one that you want to commit to).

 

 

Right. People fall in and out of love all of the time. People change partners and keep on living. I think the disconnect is when a person is getting the love and affection that seems to be so encompassing in an A. They also have the comforts of home. All the while years of the spouse's life are being wasted. It's cruel and not a popular fact to discuss here even if it is a byproduct of the affair.

 

I admit my naivete in not realizing so many people partook in affairs that last years. It's mind blowing the posts here. OP, this is a great site to gain perspective and outside views. It is hard to see things clearly right in the middle of it all.

 

If your wife were sleeping with and falling in love with another man for years of your life.... I'm sure you would not want another minute to go by for you in the dark. I also think most of the AP's here would croon a different tune if the tables were turned despite their protests of the contrary.

 

If your OW is what's happening or you just realize you don't have romantic love for your wife then let her go. Even if it isn't to jump right into a relationship with OW. Figure yourself out. Quit dragging your wife along for the ride.

[TheOW]

He needs to get over the addiction of the ow

 

It's hard to do really really hard as journey stated you get the love,attention,affection,sex with the A partner and you also enjoy the comforts of home life, now getting back to a daily routine without the highs of the A is hard it's like a gaping hole you miss it not necessarily the ap but the affection. This is what I realised - I didn't miss him I missed the texts, adoration, build up of sex over days, I even missed the lows because in an A ur always on alert 24/7 ur mind is always on it and it's hard to stop the thoughts after so long.

 

It's so dysfunctional and crazy it's not until the addictiveness eases you think "wtf" was that really me ?

Edited September 25, 2013 by TheOW

[AlwaysGrowing]

Too many people think that a marching band, three ring circus and a dancing elephant 24-7 will mean that their life is worth something.

 

Life is in the little things.

 

The smell of your children fresh out of a bath.

A letter, an actual letter in the mail from an old friend.

Finally getting your Aunts bread recipe to work right.

Children head to toe covered in dirt.

Your dog chewing your husbands ugly slippers

That lonely tomato that grew on your tomato plant that you spent the whole summer nursing.

Your adult children calling you to make dinner plans.

Those same adult children picking up the tab.

Christmas lights

Drives in the country.

Stars

The quiet.

[bentleychic]

Too many people think that a marching band, three ring circus and a dancing elephant 24-7 will mean that their life is worth something.

 

Life is in the little things.

 

The smell of your children fresh out of a bath.

A letter, an actual letter in the mail from an old friend.

Finally getting your Aunts bread recipe to work right.

Children head to toe covered in dirt.

Your dog chewing your husbands ugly slippers

That lonely tomato that grew on your tomato plant that you spent the whole summer nursing.

Your adult children calling you to make dinner plans.

Those same adult children picking up the tab.

Christmas lights

Drives in the country.

Stars

The quiet.

I agree with all except children covered head to toe in dirt. *twitch* They can do that at their dad's house. LOL

 

/hi jack

[TheOW]

Too many people think that a marching band, three ring circus and a dancing elephant 24-7 will mean that their life is worth something.

 

Life is in the little things.

 

The smell of your children fresh out of a bath.

A letter, an actual letter in the mail from an old friend.

Finally getting your Aunts bread recipe to work right.

Children head to toe covered in dirt.

Your dog chewing your husbands ugly slippers

That lonely tomato that grew on your tomato plant that you spent the whole summer nursing.

Your adult children calling you to make dinner plans.

Those same adult children picking up the tab.

Christmas lights

Drives in the country.

Stars

The quiet.

 

Life doesn't run as smoothly as that all the time while I can appreciate the simple things in life which I do it doesn't always run as good 365 days of the year. I do like to reflect on these things quite often and smile to myself that my kids are happy and healthy we laugh and smile everyday and this I will cherish forever.

[AlwaysGrowing]

So much energy, time,emotion, attention,thoughts on what?

 

All that drama, the chaos, the high? or the low? It meant something...that felt good? Its missed? People miss empty meaningless interactions? They miss texts? They miss feeling like ****?

 

I am made of something different. I don't miss the darkness of others..not one bit. I could lay around in the light for all eternity.

[ladydesigner]

So much energy, time,emotion, attention,thoughts on what?

 

All that drama, the chaos, the high? or the low? It meant something...that felt good? Its missed? People miss empty meaningless interactions? They miss texts? They miss feeling like ****?

 

I am made of something different. I don't miss the darkness of others..not one bit. I could lay around in the light for all eternity.

 

I agree, the drama is too much. I couldn't take it. BTW I loved your 'life is in the little things'. My therapist always has me do a list when I am depressed and jot down anything I would deem as a miracle in my day. That could mean anything from the way a certain song made me feel or the way my kids hug me make me feel like life is okay.

[TheOW]

So much energy, time,emotion, attention,thoughts on what?

 

All that drama, the chaos, the high? or the low? It meant something...that felt good? Its missed? People miss empty meaningless interactions? They miss texts? They miss feeling like ****?

 

I am made of something different. I don't miss the darkness of others..not one bit. I could lay around in the light for all eternity.

 

I feel exactly like u do now but I had a spade of darkness wash over me for awhile and honestly I'm glad I did because I can assure you I will never return there, I know what it's like I know the temptation and the crap that comes along with it, lucky for me I am young enough to have learned my lesson so I never repeat it. I can now love myself and give all my time and devotion to the only people who need/deserve it and that's my kids.

[ComingInHot]

Good love bad wrote, " selfish. Selfish is interesting cause we are selfish no matter what, for staying in the A for staying in our M for not being honest with our true feelings by not getting a D. We are selfish if we do leave are W and kids for OW or just get out of our M cause we are not happy. "

 

GBL, who do you think you are or what that You feel You should be the One to make these choices for your Wife?!

If you KNOW you Need to make a choice but "can't" , give Your Wife the Truth about her fake M & relationship w/you and see if she will make the choice for you and ow.

 

If You can't man up, maybe Your Wife will*

 

Poor guy, I really feel for you/your Wife. It must be hard being a grown man who can't make grown choices. It must be hard for your wife living w/someone like that

[hollyhillcourt]

Good love bad wrote, " selfish. Selfish is interesting cause we are selfish no matter what, for staying in the A for staying in our M for not being honest with our true feelings by not getting a D. We are selfish if we do leave are W and kids for OW or just get out of our M cause we are not happy. "

 

GBL, who do you think you are or what that You feel You should be the One to make these choices for your Wife?!

If you KNOW you Need to make a choice but "can't" , give Your Wife the Truth about her fake M & relationship w/you and see if she will make the choice for you and ow.

 

If You can't man up, maybe Your Wife will*

 

Poor guy, I really feel for you/your Wife. It must be hard being a grown man who can't make grown choices. It must be hard for your wife living w/someone like that [/quote

 

I always find your posts dead-on and am glad when you pop-in the OW forum. Seriously!

[herenow]

Well, we know he doesn't love or respect his wife enough to tell the truth, we can only hope he leaves his OW alone forever. It's tragic enough when guys like this keep one women on the hook.

[Good Love Bad]

No I don't think I am handling this in an ideal fashion, but to run home and cause a D lose my kids because I'm trying to sort out some deep seeded feelings is easier said that done. Do I think I am doing the right thing, absolutely not, am I trying to go through a process yes, half the people say what I am feeling is really not love the other half think I need to man up and make an immediate decision. I see both sides, I'm not happy with myself with how this is all happening, but I love my wife and if I didn't it would be easy to tell her, as many suggest, is this fair to her? no I admit it isn't the A wasn't and the feelings I have aren't.

 

Yes I definitely need to admit what I am going through and my W make her own decision to be in the process of working through it and trying to get through my struggles, or choosing not to and be done?(most likely) who knows but I do agree it is her choice.

 

Its easy for the words we write to be taken entirely different with how they are intended, and a sensitive man who is not hasty (seriously only 24 hours of posts and indecision) does not mean I am any less of a man, a fool - dumb a$$ - weak... yes but I respectfully disagree with the other. Thanks for helping get me to what I need to do.

[Cali408]

I agree, focus on the little simple things in day to day life. Live life at it's speed, not some made up drama. This has been getting me through. I'm not out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination. But I feel peace. Peace is good. Waking up without anxiety, with a clean conscience, a good job, a loving beautiful wife, 2 healthy children, a home.

 

When I take a step back, what more do I need? The funniest thing was when I started it up again and it went to 100 mph within 2 days, was when I saw her, it wasn't as great as it was in my mind. I couldn't wait to get rid of her because of the guilt. It's not worth it. And truthfully, I would have married her if I met her 20 years ago. But now, with all the baggage of children, debt, vengeful ex hubby? bipolar mother? basing decisions on emotion instead of logic? No thanks. nice knowing you.

 

So life isn't as exciting, oh well. I've made 35k at my job this month haven't drank in over a month and sleeping well. Yup, simplicity doesn't suck

[Tangled web]

OK....Lets just leave out he predatory d-bags and guys that fake that they are married for the sake of this discussion...

 

So, what do we have? A MM that, for whatever reason enters into a relationship with an OW who knows full well up front that the guy is married. OK, so the initail rules are set.

 

Here is what happens, in most cases,...The OW feeds the need that the MM has. Emotional. sexual, whatever...And the MM honestly falls for the OW. It isnt lies and manipulation. But.....The pull of kids and the loss of finances, family, housing become just too big of a hurdle. Its like ordering a huge meal when you are hungry, then only being able to finish half...You go in with all of the intentions to do what you say you are going to..100% Then, it becomes to much to bear, so while it may be considered cruel to "string someone along", I dont think the MM ever really weighs all the consequences when entering or in the "honeymoon" phase of the affair..And in fairness, I dont think the OW does either...If they did they probably wouldnt consider it..

 

So now you have two people who dive into something without weighing the consequences truly on either side. Only a fool would think that all OW ride off into the sunset, just as it would be foolish to think all MM leave the BS holding the bag. So why then does it become all on the MM?

 

 

TFY

 

Ok this post was so 6 pages ago but it hit home for me today. I am the OW and am really trying to process how after 6 years my xMM came to the conclusion that he couldn't handle our A anymore. We didn't have a lot of drama, never had a D-day and no immediate expectations that either of us would be leaving our M. But your post definitely describes why he ended it and why I'm having trouble "facing reality".

 

It's ironic that if it came down to it, I'm not sure I could have left my H for MM either, although my intentions to do so were genuine. I think he had more pressure from his w recently to divorce and when it got too real he couldn't handle losing time with his kids and the financial struggles.

 

I totally understand his perspective, but as the one who was rejected unexpectedly it's so hard not to analyze the relationship and wonder if it was all a lie. I know in my heart it wasn't, I just wasn't ready for it end. It feels better hearing the MM perspective and knowing that it's all just as confusing for them too, and their feelings are just as real as ours.

[Cali408]

If you go to page 2 or 3 of the general discussion forum, I wrote up the MM playbook for affairs.

 

As TFY states, the big meal is the perfect analogy. It happens and you become addicted. MW and MM are equally guilty.

 

I remember my Xap telling me she would wait for me when she got divorced. people lose their minds

[happy stillmore]

What if…………..the OW really is the one?

 

Only you can answer this question. I think you know the answer but your head is fighting it because you are afraid. A gay person coming “out of the closet” is a good example of someone being true to themselves. It is scary for him/her but they knew they had to live life the way they were meant too. They are no longer living a lie. Is loving OW your truth? As they say, the truth will set you free.

 

You said: “Bottom line I get I need to focus my love and thoughts on who I am with, and forget what could have been/be with the OW cause I'm just causing more problems.”

 

To me, it sounds like you are resigned in staying with your wife. You are afraid and appear to not trust your feelings. This forum is great to learn different viewpoints as each person has a different experience. But remember, every situation is different. They may not relate to you. There were affairs that were shallow, based on sex. There were others full of love. Some posters here use words to trivialize the affairs. “The affair is only due to chemicals in the brain”, “you don’t know your partner unless you live with them 24/7”, “infatuation,”etc. Other posters talk of “real”relationships based on love and knowing they found what was lacking in their lives. The important thing is for you to only think of your relationship. Each affair is different. Ask yourself: What did you feel in your heart? What do you know to be true? Who do I want to spend my last day on Earth with?

 

There are so many questions regarding you and your wife. You said: “I love my wife and if I didn't, it would be easy to tell her, as many suggest, is this fair to her? no I admit it isn't the A wasn't and the feelings I have aren't.”

 

I think we all are confused to why you had this affair when you say you love your wife. I am sorry to offend but I must ask, are there other reasons for you staying with your wife? Is she providing you with a comfortable life financially? If so, money isn’t everything.

 

I hope you are able to figure out your truth. I suggest you take time and live on your own. Get to know who you are. Have you ever lived on your own, other than with your wife? If not, I can imagine that it would be overwhelmingly scary for you. I believe you need to figure yourself out. Again, what led you to have an affair when you say you are married to a perfect woman? If you truly loved her, you would not have looked elsewhere. Simple as that. You may love her in a companion kind of way and I hope that is enough for you. Do you feel connected to her or are you two separate beings running a household together? There is a big difference. Are you afraid to be alone? You can love two people but differently. I love all 300+ of my friends on Facebook. However, I will only choose to love one person as my partner in life. Please choose the one you love completely and commit to that one person. You can’t love both halfway. It is not fair to them. Do you think it is too late for OW? How long has it been since you last talked to OW?

 

What good is all of this pondering if OW has already moved on? By default, you will stay with your wife. Not a nice thing for a wife you claim to love so much. I wonder if you even will admit your feelings for OW to your wife. I am guessing you will tell your wife IF OW is back in your life. You have a lot to think about. I hope you find happiness in living a simple life while being true to yourself. Find the courage to do what you need to do in order to live your authentic life. Go with what your heart tells you, commit to that person. Find your happy ending, either alone, with your wife or with OW. Do what is best for you. It may not be the easy road. Happiness is within you at all times.

 

It may not be too late.

Edited September 26, 2013 by happy stillmore

[Lillyfree]

Too many people think that a marching band, three ring circus and a dancing elephant 24-7 will mean that their life is worth something.

 

Life is in the little things.

 

The smell of your children fresh out of a bath.

A letter, an actual letter in the mail from an old friend.

Finally getting your Aunts bread recipe to work right.

Children head to toe covered in dirt.

Your dog chewing your husbands ugly slippers

That lonely tomato that grew on your tomato plant that you spent the whole summer nursing.

Your adult children calling you to make dinner plans.

Those same adult children picking up the tab.

Christmas lights

Drives in the country.

Stars

The quiet.

 

i love this so much

took me so long to realise this is what it means to truly be happy.

 

i would rather enjoy the little bits of happiness than suffer through huge dramas.

[Lillyfree]

It is sad if, like I said to my MM, you have the other half of your life left to live, the first half has been great, the second half can be greater but if you leave things as they are, you will say to yourself "I never took that chance". Those who don't take the chances never win. There are those who live with regret that they never lived a fulfilled life. I am miserable now but I know that i have done what I could to make this work, I will not regret it ever - even if I spend the rest of my life alone, I will not be with someone just because I am scared of being lonely.

 

And the hurting others bit, yes you hurt others, but you have to do what it takes to be happy because if you are not happy then certainly those around you will not be.

 

i will agree with the first bit, yes we need to push ourselves out of our comfort zone in order to get somewhere better than where we are. we might succeed, we might fail. but we know we tried.

 

second bit... no. happiness at the expense of somebody else would forever be tainted for me.

[yellowmaverick]

Go ahead and leave your wife. You don't deserve her. I guarantee that you will be kicking yourself down the road when the reality of day to day life with your OW sets in. You are in love with that "high" feeling that comes with someone new showing you attention. When that fades with your OW, you will cheat again.

 

My H cheated and he lost me. He is crushed. He learned too late that his OW couldn't hold a candle to me. You will learn that as well.

[imperfectangel]

^ hate posts like that that seem to try and turn it all into some kind of contest.

 

When someone cheats its because there's something 'wrong' with them not the people around them

 

It's not the wife vs the ow

 

I have NEVER compared myself to what I know about his w, we're two different people each with our own qualities no one is 'better' than the other

[yellowmaverick]

^ hate posts like that that seem to try and turn it all into some kind of contest.

 

When someone cheats its because there's something 'wrong' with them not the people around them

 

It's not the wife vs the ow

 

I have NEVER compared myself to what I know about his w, we're two different people each with our own qualities no one is 'better' than the other

 

I was actually quoting my H's exact words to me. That is how HE felt. You are right. The grass is not greener - just different. Many MM regret blowing up their families for something that is not better, just different.

[yellowmaverick]

That is like comparing apples with pears' date=' you think you can say that your situation will be exactly like his, and you know that because you have a crystal ball?[/quote']

 

Yet, even though he repeatedly said that he loved his wife, you were telling him that he did not. From his comments about how much he loves his wife, I believe that he will regret losing her, if it comes to that. It is my opinion that many people who cheat tend to have a "grass is always greener" mentality. In those cases, the cheater will cheat again because they will always be searching for greener grass.

[imperfectangel]

I was actually quoting my H's exact words to me. That is how HE felt. You are right. The grass is not greener - just different. Many MM regret blowing up their families for something that is not better, just different.

 

In OP situation I agree but with some I have to wonder if the MM regret losing the wife or the lifestyle/financial security they probably had

[yellowmaverick]

In OP situation I agree but with some I have to wonder if the MM regret losing the wife or the lifestyle/financial security they probably had

 

Probably both. In my situation, there were no financial issues, as we both do very well. Frankly, right now, the single lifestyle seems pretty appealing to me - no kids homework, no big dinners, no yard work, no in-laws. Can't imagine that most men would choose all of the work if it was just about choosing the lifestyle.

[secretlady76]

Quick question to Good Love Bad; are you in absolute & total No Contact with OW?