Perspective from a MM and ?'s

[maidai]

Slightly different but in my case it was exMM. To be fair though he had been seperated for 18mnths and was going through divorce so maybe at that point in time he felt he was ready. I would never actively pursue a man who was married in the true sense and even though I had known me exMM for 20 plus years he still had to work damn hard to convince me that he had indeed checked out of his marriage. I did not fall into a relationship with him easily and he persued me hard for months before I trusted what he told me. I have high moral standards, hate true infedelity and he knew all this. I reitterated it all through our relationship. Had his wife not known and told me she had no problem then again I would not have got involved. She also gave us her blessing after 8mnths together for me to meet their Daughter and build a relationship with her. It was basically a go for your life... I certainly dont want him! As said I think he truly believed at that point he had, just a shame when he started to realise he possibly hadnt he did not have the balls to tell me the truth instead of continuing a charade for however many of the 18mths we were together he did.

 

Just wish I knew truthfully what they both played at during our time together because I wish they had both been more honest with each other and left me out of it!

Edited September 25, 2013 by maidai

[thefooloftheyear]

Considering the OP said that his wife is "perfect", I don't get the feeling this scenario applies to him. And we are talking about the OP in this thread right?

 

Much apologies....my bad..

 

TFY

[Got it]

Ive excluded them from the convo...I dont think its as common as you think..

 

One thing you never hear anyone admit to(at least on this board) is who was the pursuer? I can only speak for myself in saying if I wasnt actively pursued, I would have never gone there..150% sure...

 

 

Does it justify it? Nope..

 

TFY

 

What does that matter? I think in general cases it is a pretty fair back and forth fluidity like most courting. I couldn't begin to tell you in our relationship who pursued. It was an even back and forth, going deeper and deeper as the other one accepts said offer, look, comment, body language and then answers in kind.

 

And I question your comment about being pursued being the only reason. Not sure if you have been pursued by someone before, many of us has, and if there wasn't an interest, the pursuit is annoying to harassing. So whether or not one person makes the first comment, overture, offer, as the tipping point if it is answered it is equaled. So you were open to the offer for whatever reason to make this pursuit work. Because, unless you have NEVER had a women show you she was attracted to you, which most of the general public has had it at least a few times, the open is either there always, so it just depends on starting when it is offered. Or it is about that particular person which makes them available.

 

So like most bell curves, I would argue that most are an even back and forth with either extreme being the pursuit from one sex or another.

 

 

For myself, I would say I was a low grade always available at that point. It was really going to be the right person depending on how far I would cross a boundary. But that was the initial interest with him by far, but over time his sexual appeal became apparent so when he showed evidence of being interested, I became more interested. For me it was actually having sex with him that was the major deal as I had never had sex with someone else before. So being available to it and actually considering it (and obviously following through) was the huge black and white no turning back line for me. But I never considered weighing the two options or reconsidering my marriage. That was the no return point that expedited my moving out.

[Got it]

"you could be my MM"....how many have said this?

 

Its because it all plays out the same way...

 

No surprise..

 

TFY

 

Well I think four or five have said it so I don't think that constitute all.

 

Everyone approaches things differently and where they are coming from plays a big piece.

 

I have always said the saying, some people talk the talk but what matters is who walks the talk. But as we know in many areas of life, there are more talkers than actual walkers. So there are many MP who talk, dream, surmise, and posture that they are going to x, y, and z. They may want to do it, they may think they are going to do it, but they haven't actually given it some real clear thought when they are talking. So some will preface that when C happens, I will do x, y, and z. Some may believe this, some may hope, some may lie.

 

So since life is the wonderfully fluid thing it is, things change and at some point the rubber meets the road in some way for some person. And suddenly what was being said is now being asked to implement. And now suddenly where the sound may have been muted or on very low, things are coming at full blast through a bose system.

 

Deciding and implementing divorce, especially with kids, is not an easy undertaking. And unless ones decision is black and white (and even then) it is hard to make the call. I think why a number of couples stay "for the kids" because it is actually fear of the unknown, fear of making a change, so they pacify themselves with the martyrdom of being great sacrificing parents. Also why one of the most likely times to divorce is at the beginning of an empty nest.

 

So short story long, most people dream, most people may not have bad intentions but are really cowards, and most people stick to what feels good and/or comfortable.

 

To be fair, I never fully believed my MM/husband would leave. Some part of me expected him to disappoint me. I knew I would walk the talk but I didn't have much faith in men actually carrying through with what they said.

[thefooloftheyear]

What does that matter? I think in general cases it is a pretty fair back and forth fluidity like most courting. I couldn't begin to tell you in our relationship who pursued. It was an even back and forth, going deeper and deeper as the other one accepts said offer, look, comment, body language and then answers in kind.

 

And I question your comment about being pursued being the only reason. Not sure if you have been pursued by someone before, many of us has, and if there wasn't an interest, the pursuit is annoying to harassing. So whether or not one person makes the first comment, overture, offer, as the tipping point if it is answered it is equaled. So you were open to the offer for whatever reason to make this pursuit work. Because, unless you have NEVER had a women show you she was attracted to you, which most of the general public has had it at least a few times, the open is either there always, so it just depends on starting when it is offered. Or it is about that particular person which makes them available.

 

So like most bell curves, I would argue that most are an even back and forth with either extreme being the pursuit from one sex or another.

 

 

For myself, I would say I was a low grade always available at that point. It was really going to be the right person depending on how far I would cross a boundary. But that was the initial interest with him by far, but over time his sexual appeal became apparent so when he showed evidence of being interested, I became more interested. For me it was actually having sex with him that was the major deal as I had never had sex with someone else before. So being available to it and actually considering it (and obviously following through) was the huge black and white no turning back line for me. But I never considered weighing the two options or reconsidering my marriage. That was the no return point that expedited my moving out.

 

Im just stating fact....where does it say it "mattered"...??

 

 

Whether you believe it not matters nothing to me. If you are a successful good looking guy with an above average body, you are going to get hit on..Many times. Over the years I have had numerous opportunuties. I just joked it off and thats that..There wasnt the "back and forth" as you say...No courtship. She made it clear of her intentions...I cant even post half of the stuff she said or texted to me.. Had i not been in the early stages of a D, then I wouldnt give her the time of day...She just knew how to push the right buttons and caught me at the right moment..thats all there is to it..And its a regret I will live with forever.

 

How else then can you dispute it? Bottom line? If she went away the first time I told her to, I wouldn't be here right now typing this. I wasnt looking for anything at the time, but a way to figure out how to navigate the painful waters of a divorce..I never had any trouble attracting women. It wasnt even a priority. Heck I run two seperate businesses...I dont know how I even have the time to do it!

 

TFY

[Got it]

I'm a MM who has had an A. I have been reading a lot of your posts on this board, at first out of curiosity of what the OW have to go through. I essentially knew the pain, sorrow and anger my OW was going through and felt terribly guilty, these posts just confirmed things for me and shows that these situations are complicated, similar but with many variations.

 

The types of MM (and MW?)

1. The Douche - a player who just wants sex and usually does not have lengthy A's cause he is figured out quite quickly.

2. The Liar - does not reveal he is married or in a relationship until it is too late, he is caught or sometimes never.

3. The Fall Guy - does not have bad intentions but falls for someone and starts an A he never thought he would be in this situation.

4. The Ego - A guy that needs constant stroking to keep building himself as a man.

5. The Sex Addict - can easily be part of any of the above

 

I do think many of the posts on here involve MM 3 and 4, because they are deeply rooted with passion feelings, that are hard to end and get over.

 

The question I see most is why does the MM stay with his W. First of all we can all agree cheating is the lowest of the low. No one is willing to admit to this shameful act, and to leave a Spouse because you had an Affair involves so many people; kids, relatives, parents, friends, in laws... D is hard without an A involve, you are divorcing an entire group of people and also cheating on an entire group of people. So it is much easier to stay with a W or H who you do not wish to hurt who is not terrible but does not give you the spark that is so brilliantly bright in an A. A lot of times it is just bad timing, if you were kids you would just break up, but marriage makes it hard, kids make it harder.

 

Part two of that is fear. Fear that you may not end up with you OW or OM, is the passion that is so strong, due to the secrecy and limited nature of the relationship. Would it last under normal conditions or are the feelings mainly fueled by the fantasy relationship which is just that for some MM, even though they may not realize it.

 

I wonder if my OW would have truly wanted to be with the real me. Not that I wasn't real but she only got the good parts of attention, adoration, emotion, romantic gestures. How would she handle the mundane me, watching football, work stress, occasional bad moods...normalcy? Probably the bigger question is could the MM handle the real life normalcy of the OW. A's are such a small percentage of what happens in real life and they are mostly all icing and not much cake.

 

For me the cake was what I craved I loved the normal time and interactions with my OW (I feel awful calling her that) I was the Fall guy and loved and still love her deeply I did not want to hurt her my W or anyone, but I hurt everyone. It is so hard to find the perfect person when you had already committed to the perfect person. I do believe men and women are so different and it is easier for woman to be monogamous and for weak men to be weak.

 

I do not mean for any of this to sound harsh its just my opinion from what I have lived read and thought about for countless hours. My heart is broken and sad, I would like to sit here and say I wish I was stronger and it never happened. But I cherish every second we were together, life is complicated.

 

Feel free to through darts at me or ask me to leave, I don't mean to intrude on your board, just thought I could offer perspective that isn't usually heard here.

 

The crux of this, and what I just have never understood, is the ability to love someone and still pursue love with another. As a former MP, I could not be in love with my husband to sleep with another man. Because, as you are fully aware, there is a great deal of disrespect one is dishing but screwing someone behind their back. So to love someone, to be in love with them, I know for myself I have to respect them as well. And I can't respect someone and cheat on them at the same time. It just doesn't work for me.

 

Looking at it another way, if I value something, I am not going to do something to put my ability to possess/have/hold/be part said value in jeopardy. Because I have deemed it a priority and worthy/valuable. If I don't see the value in it, then I am going to be more laissez faire with it. I will put it aside for awhile, forget about it, etc. But I can't value something and then do things that are in complete juxtaposition to it. That, to me, is like trying to turn right and left at the same time. Just not possible.

[Got it]

Im just stating fact....where does it say it "mattered"...??

 

 

Whether you believe it not matters nothing to me. If you are a successful good looking guy with an above average body, you are going to get hit on..Many times. Over the years I have had numerous opportunuties. I just joked it off and thats that..There wasnt the "back and forth" as you say...No courtship. She made it clear of her intentions...I cant even post half of the stuff she said or texted to me.. Had i not been in the early stages of a D, then I wouldnt give her the time of day...She just knew how to push the right buttons and caught me at the right moment..thats all there is to it..And its a regret I will live with forever.

 

How else then can you dispute it? Bottom line? If she went away the first time I told her to, I wouldn't be here right now typing this. I wasnt looking for anything at the time, but a way to figure out how to navigate the painful waters of a divorce..I never had any trouble attracting women. It wasnt even a priority. Heck I run two seperate businesses...I dont know how I even have the time to do it!

 

TFY

 

So you were open to it and she was just the person "at the right time and place".

 

I don't understand "if she went away the first time I told her to, I wouldn't be here right now typing this". Did you have no say? Were you held down and raped? What if she went away but someone else came along offering the same thing?

 

If you were divorcing, how is that cheating? So you soothed your brusied ego and broken heart with a little bit of new girl and you are crying victim over that? Because she wouldn't take no for an answer? Dude you wouldn't last as a women for a week then. Try getting guys to realize that no matter how many ways to Sunday you say not interested you aren't going to become interested. Amazingly just continuing to say no and walking away does wonders!!!

[Good Love Bad]

I appreciate all the feedback positive and harsh it is all helpful and does provide a slap of reality of how I am acting or should act. I understand all the feelings positive and negative and I certainly deserve the negative it's nothing I don't tell myself when I look in the mirror. I know the answers for some seem so easy just tell the truth just be with who you love more...in the long run it will all be ok...

 

I do 100% realize I'm acting selfish I have tried to do the right thing after doing a very wrong thing and I'm struggling with it, that is not a pat on the back just what I am feeling. I realize the OW may be gone and do hope she finds someone to give her everything I couldn't, I wish that for my wife too.

 

To try and answer some of the ?'s the OW was not married, the A was many years off and on, we never talked about my W or M or me leaving I don't think she ever wanted that at first she then started to get jealous and change and I realized this was entering into a bigger thing for both of us, the feelings grew the guilt grew the complications grew. We decided it was best to go our separate ways. I did come clean (wrong word entirely) with my W and have tried to move forward in my M. I think if I never had never cheated my M would be fine? but now I have these feelings that won't die.

 

As to my comment about being real, I / we (OW) were very real with each other, I was more so many the short segments of time we spent with each other lunches, phone calls, drinks, a night here and there afternoons mornings, they all added up to a lot of time but nothing like a real relationship. So I just meant we didn't ever spend a long long extended period of time with each other it was always a fraction of the time as you would in a, M so it was real just not real time if that makes sense.

 

I'm not proud of what I have done, who I have hurt and now what I am struggling with inside. I think MM are not good guys because what we have done, but we are not intentionally trying to be bad guys either, we are conflicted and selfish. Selfish is interesting cause we are selfish no matter what, for staying in the A for staying in our M for not being honest with our true feelings by not getting a D. We are selfish if we do leave are W and kids for OW or just get out of our M cause we are not happy. We have gotten ourselves in a no win situation, all my own fault, no sympathy expected. I'm sure this sounds all blah blah blah to some, but I do appreciate the perspective from some that you don't know what its like to be the MM and we don't have a clue what its like to be the OW or BS.

 

And for those comments I have seen on other threads where the OW or OM feels they are left with nothing and the MM or MW goes back to their perfect life and M and are no worse off, that is far from the reality in most cases.

 

Honestly in my situation I really never thought the OW could be that hurt over me or that in love with me, I never gave myself that much credit. I realize now I was wrong and that even though we never talked about me leaving my W for her our actions and feelings for one another were exactly that.

[TaintedLuv]

I agree if you love or even respect someone' date=' you will not look elsewhere for love or sex or comfort or even another man/woman's company. [/b']I have been physically attracted to many people and them to me, but never once did i go there, not even in 20 years, I never wanted to until I met MM or until well after i fell out of love with my H. I remember thinking that life would just have to be like that and then WHAM.

 

I think people use the term love too loosely. My MM was adamant about making sure he never explicitly made me any promises but saying "I love you" is an implicit promise in itself. Its supposed to be a promise to take care and never hurt that person Ur saying it to- to cherish them. I know I meant it but if Ur a MM I don't think it's fair to say those kinds of things and shortchange multiple people that care for u. Perhaps that's silly of me as I knew he was M.

[ladydesigner]

I appreciate all the feedback positive and harsh it is all helpful and does provide a slap of reality of how I am acting or should act. I understand all the feelings positive and negative and I certainly deserve the negative it's nothing I don't tell myself when I look in the mirror. I know the answers for some seem so easy just tell the truth just be with who you love more...in the long run it will all be ok...

 

I do 100% realize I'm acting selfish I have tried to do the right thing after doing a very wrong thing and I'm struggling with it, that is not a pat on the back just what I am feeling. I realize the OW may be gone and do hope she finds someone to give her everything I couldn't, I wish that for my wife too.

 

To try and answer some of the ?'s the OW was not married, the A was many years off and on, we never talked about my W or M or me leaving I don't think she ever wanted that at first she then started to get jealous and change and I realized this was entering into a bigger thing for both of us, the feelings grew the guilt grew the complications grew. We decided it was best to go our separate ways. I did come clean (wrong word entirely) with my W and have tried to move forward in my M. I think if I never had never cheated my M would be fine? but now I have these feelings that won't die.

 

As to my comment about being real, I / we (OW) were very real with each other, I was more so many the short segments of time we spent with each other lunches, phone calls, drinks, a night here and there afternoons mornings, they all added up to a lot of time but nothing like a real relationship. So I just meant we didn't ever spend a long long extended period of time with each other it was always a fraction of the time as you would in a, M so it was real just not real time if that makes sense.

 

I'm not proud of what I have done, who I have hurt and now what I am struggling with inside. I think MM are not good guys because what we have done, but we are not intentionally trying to be bad guys either, we are conflicted and selfish. Selfish is interesting cause we are selfish no matter what, for staying in the A for staying in our M for not being honest with our true feelings by not getting a D. We are selfish if we do leave are W and kids for OW or just get out of our M cause we are not happy. We have gotten ourselves in a no win situation, all my own fault, no sympathy expected. I'm sure this sounds all blah blah blah to some, but I do appreciate the perspective from some that you don't know what its like to be the MM and we don't have a clue what its like to be the OW or BS.

 

And for those comments I have seen on other threads where the OW or OM feels they are left with nothing and the MM or MW goes back to their perfect life and M and are no worse off, that is far from the reality in most cases.

 

Honestly in my situation I really never thought the OW could be that hurt over me or that in love with me, I never gave myself that much credit. I realize now I was wrong and that even though we never talked about me leaving my W for her our actions and feelings for one another were exactly that.

 

Well I applaud you for coming here with this perspective and I think you are lucky your wife wants to reconcile, but it saddens me that you still pine for the OW. It saddens me for the OW and for your wife because both women were hurt deeply by you yet you still are not giving 100% to your M with these thoughts of OW.

 

I hope if my WH felt this way that he would have the decency to D me. At this point I have no ill will towards MOW and if that is who he wants to be with well then please let me go. You see I do not want to be the fool who thinks their M is all fine and dandy but my WH still craves MOW. How is that fair to me? I want someone to crave me too.

 

The bolded was very insightful. I have tried to explain this to my WH many times that it appeared every action was towards leaving our M. He still says to this day he never thought of leaving me, but I'm not delusional.

 

Have you ever discussed your A with a therapist?

[thefooloftheyear]

So you were open to it and she was just the person "at the right time and place".

 

I don't understand "if she went away the first time I told her to, I wouldn't be here right now typing this". Did you have no say? Were you held down and raped? What if she went away but someone else came along offering the same thing?

 

If you were divorcing, how is that cheating? So you soothed your brusied ego and broken heart with a little bit of new girl and you are crying victim over that? Because she wouldn't take no for an answer? Dude you wouldn't last as a women for a week then. Try getting guys to realize that no matter how many ways to Sunday you say not interested you aren't going to become interested. Amazingly just continuing to say no and walking away does wonders!!!

 

You need a new handle, because you obviously dont "Get It"..

 

Where is my ego bruised? I am the one that initiated the divorce..how am I the one with the broken heart here? Where does it say anywhere that I was open to it?

 

Of course I had a say...But if you think I would have chased her after telling her that I wasn't interested the first time you are sadly mistaken..Shed be just another face in the crowd and nothing more. She persisted and I bit..Im the dope and I admitted as such umpteen times. I even created my screen name to show how fooliish I was..

What more do you want?

 

I admitted I was wrong!!! Several times! Please show me one case where I say anything about being any kind of victim? Please..

 

Its not her fault and I am not a victim..Im not like a lot of y'all that need to burn down the stadium when you lose the game.

 

Its unacceptable, because I wasn't divoreced yet and was struggling mightily with the decision...Do YOU think its right for people who arent fully divorced to have affairs and/or relationships? Really??

 

If you dont like or agree with my perspective, then just tell me what you want to hear and Ill post that.OK?

 

Wow, I dont think I have ever been so chastised for being reticent and remorseful....

 

TFY

Edited September 25, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[HopingAgain]

I agree. I was able to see by the deleted texts who the pursuer was, it was MOW in our case. But, if it wasn't her it would have been someone else. My WH was miserable with himself, resented me for being happy and successful and he always had bad boundaries, so I am not surprised.

 

In my own A my xAP did the grooming and I pursued an A with him.

 

My H had told me that OW was the pursuer too and I didn't believe him until she kept breaking NC and I read some of her texts. Its not an excuse for him falling for it but makes me feel a little better knowing he wasn't following her around like a lovesick puppy.

[Got it]

You need a new handle, because you obviously dont "Get It"..

 

Where is my ego bruised? I am the one that initiated the divorce..how am I the one with the broken heart here? Where does it say anywhere that I was open to it?

 

Of course I had a say...But if you think I would have chased her after telling her that I wasn't interested the first time you are sadly mistaken..Shed be just another face in the crowd and nothing more. She persisted and I bit..Im the dope and I admitted as such umpteen times. I even created my screen name to show how fooliish I was..

What more do you want?

 

I admitted I was wrong!!! Several times! Please show me one case where I say anything about being any kind of victim? Please..

 

Its not her fault and I am not a victim..Im not like a lot of y'all that need to burn down the stadium when you lose the game.

 

Its unacceptable, because I wasn't divoreced yet and was struggling mightily with the decision...Do YOU think its right for people who arent fully divorced to have affairs and/or relationships? Really??

 

If you dont like or agree with my perspective, then just tell me what you want to hear and Ill post that.OK?

 

Wow, I dont think I have ever been so chastised for being reticent and remorseful....

 

TFY

 

Because many states require a year separation prior to divorce, no I don't have a carte blanche issue with people dating while separated. If the separation agreement is in place, and there are no marital relations happening, why would that be an issue? Why the need for self flagellation? I can't say I know anyone who didn't have any dates prior to their divorce being final.

 

Burning down what stadium? What people?

 

Again, I don't understand if the door wasn't even cracked how anything another person does could entice you? What does that say then? If I wasn't interested the person could parade around naked in front of me, bearing gifts and showering me with money and it wouldn't turn my head.

 

The fool, stop being foolish. It is following your lines of logic and just replying to what you post. Why would I care to tell you want to say? Own your thoughts and stand by them. Don't cowtail. Your line of logic is yours, I had a different one as a MP and as an AP. I didn't view my affair like yours or my my relationships in the same manner.

[thefooloftheyear]

Because many states require a year separation prior to divorce, no I don't have a carte blanche issue with people dating while separated. If the separation agreement is in place, and there are no marital relations happening, why would that be an issue? Why the need for self flagellation? I can't say I know anyone who didn't have any dates prior to their divorce being final.

 

Sorry...I dont give a shyt about any laws...my w deserved better than that from me....period.

 

Burning down what stadium? What people?

 

Practically every OW that posts on here, Their MM drops them on their head, they knew the rules, then go ahead and cry in their beer when all along that prospect existed. Not all, but many...Just take a look at the "Im telling' thread or the "what type of man does this"...there is your answer..

 

Again, I don't understand if the door wasn't even cracked how anything another person does could entice you? What does that say then? If I wasn't interested the person could parade around naked in front of me, bearing gifts and showering me with money and it wouldn't turn my head.

 

So you have never had a weak moment in your life, huh?...And yes, a pending divorce migt constitute a door crack, no?

 

The fool, stop being foolish. It is following your lines of logic and just replying to what you post. Why would I care to tell you want to say? Own your thoughts and stand by them. Don't cowtail. Your line of logic is yours, I had a different one as a MP and as an AP. I didn't view my affair like yours or my my relationships in the same manner.

 

I owned it and said it a thousand times...Is there a reading comprehension problem here?

 

PM if you want to take this further....I dont want to derail the thread any further...

 

Sorry, everyone. Ill ask the mods to delete all my postings of this matter.

 

TFY

[HopingAgain]

OP, ir sounds like you are really struggling. I want to say that what you are feeling is normal after a long term affair. Your brain is still high off of love chemicals for your exAP because your relationship never reached a point of maturity and deepened into the mature love like what you have for your wife. What your feeling towards your AP is called limerance. The highs are very intense and it feels like it'll never go away but believe me, it will in time.

 

Are you and your wife attending therapy? I think it may do you some good to seek indiviual therapy to navigate all of these feelings until your brain settles down from these love chemicals. Do some research on Limerance too. It will confirm your suspicions and questions about whether you'd feel the same love for AP after a few years. The highs of it don't last forever.

[TaintedLuv]

OP, ir sounds like you are really struggling. I want to say that what you are feeling is normal after a long term affair. Your brain is still high off of love chemicals for your exAP because your relationship never reached a point of maturity and deepened into the mature love like what you have for your wife. What your feeling towards your AP is called limerance. The highs are very intense and it feels like it'll never go away but believe me, it will in time.

 

Are you and your wife attending therapy? I think it may do you some good to seek indiviual therapy to navigate all of these feelings until your brain settles down from these love chemicals. Do some research on Limerance too. It will confirm your suspicions and questions about whether you'd feel the same love for AP after a few years. The highs of it don't last forever.

Do you really believe that's what all of these various As are based on though? Some of these APs are several years into these relationships, myself included. Regardless of my MMs dumb decisions, I felt that we grew stronger as time went on. Albeit I am currently devastated and wondering how I even got to this point, I don't think infatuation could've carried it this far.

[ladydesigner]

Do you really believe that's what all of these various As are based on though? Some of these APs are several years into these relationships, myself included. Regardless of my MMs dumb decisions, I felt that we grew stronger as time went on. Albeit I am currently devastated and wondering how I even got to this point, I don't think infatuation could've carried it this far.

 

I agree with this. The reason it goes so far is because the two people involved let it get that far.

 

Although usually as time passes and those memories and emotions attached to them pass a clearer picture will emerge.

[TaintedLuv]

I agree with this. The reason it goes so far is because the two people involved let it get that far.

 

Although usually as time passes and those memories and emotions attached to them pass a clearer picture will emerge.

 

I think that applies to any former relationship.

 

For me, I will never understand my MMs actions and reactions to our A no matter how much time passes. I can only attempt to salvage my own life and heart now.

[hollyhillcourt]

I have found this entire string very valuable, for the simple reason it validates why I exited the A – bc/technically, he would still be in it if I let him. The OP sounds exactly like my exMM. I consider myself a strong person and I try to realize that the exMM does struggle. However, that is not my struggle. We all have to put our own oxygen masks on first.

 

And, by the time he finally does make a decision about staying or going (which, btw I was told had already been done – forehead slap) I will have moved on. That window is closed, and the latch is on. If anything, all of the ‘I don’t knows’ have made me lose respect for him. Maybe bc/I am a very driven person or maybe because I cannot be number 2. Who knows?But, if my exMM came back with a decision in hand I would tell him the ol’ southern phrase ‘how nice!’ which really means f-you

Edited September 25, 2013 by hollyhillcourt

[ladydesigner]

I think that applies to any former relationship.

 

For me, I will never understand my MMs actions and reactions to our A no matter how much time passes. I can only attempt to salvage my own life and heart now.[/QUOTE]

 

One day you won't even care. I'm glad you are focusing on yourself!

[Good Love Bad]

Do most OW enter into an A with the end goal of the MM leaving their M for them?

 

Do most OW enter the A knowing that he is a MM?

 

What % of fault do you think is MM vs OW? I can see where most here and society as a whole say 80% MM, BS may think opposite

 

I am not sure of any real statistics but I would guess out of all A's the MM leaves his wife for the OW 10-15% of the time, and 50% of them want to but don't.

 

If things do not work out with my M I do not expect the OW to be waiting around for me, and I would only reach out to her if she was not with anyone else, but still fully expecting her to tell me, no thanks. We did not end badly it was hard for each, we knew we put ourselves into a very difficult situation.

[velvette]

I appreciate all the feedback positive and harsh it is all helpful and does provide a slap of reality of how I am acting or should act. I understand all the feelings positive and negative and I certainly deserve the negative it's nothing I don't tell myself when I look in the mirror. I know the answers for some seem so easy just tell the truth just be with who you love more...in the long run it will all be ok...

 

To try and answer some of the ?'s the OW was not married, the A was many years off and on, we never talked about my W or M or me leaving I don't think she ever wanted that at first she then started to get jealous and change and I realized this was entering into a bigger thing for both of us, the feelings grew the guilt grew the complications grew. We decided it was best to go our separate ways. I did come clean (wrong word entirely) with my W and have tried to move forward in my M. I think if I never had never cheated my M would be fine? but now I have these feelings that won't die.

.

 

I think you are confusing easy and simple. Usually if someone's simple answer seems too easy for your complicated situation, its because they unlike you have already navigated a similar life experience and resolved all the issues you are dealing with.

 

Life is generally only as complicated as we make it. The way out of all this complexity you have created for yourself is finding your own truth. That is hard to do while you are deceiving other people. Its not clear if you've told your W you still have all these feelings for OW. Have you?

 

As for your feelings for OW that wont die.....feelings are preceded by thoughts. Your thought process is not entirely rational as you are stuck in the infatuation stage of love as all A are. Its irrational to think of someone as the love of your life when you're not willing to make them a part of your life. Sorry but that's just nonsense.

[TaintedLuv]

Do most OW enter into an A with the end goal of the MM leaving their M for them?

 

Do most OW enter the A knowing that he is a MM?

 

What % of fault do you think is MM vs OW? I can see where most here and society as a whole say 80% MM, BS may think opposite

 

I am not sure of any real statistics but I would guess out of all A's the MM leaves his wife for the OW 10-15% of the time, and 50% of them want to but don't.

 

If things do not work out with my M I do not expect the OW to be waiting around for me, and I would only reach out to her if she was not with anyone else, but still fully expecting her to tell me, no thanks. We did not end badly it was hard for each, we knew we put ourselves into a very difficult situation.

 

In my case, we had a similar interest and had some acquaintances in common. I definitely had a crush on him before I found out he was M but we were just friends with common interests. Neither of us thought it would escalate. He always said "I'm not leaving my W, I'm not unhappy, shes a good person, she doesn't deserve me leaving her, blah blah" so I never expected it to happen. I never expected an affair either but we crossed the line almost a year later. I think a lot less than 10-15% leave but that's the trend around here so who knows. My MM is fully convinced that he made a huge mistake and should've left before it became as conflicted as it is now but he swears he's making a real and final decision now but he also doesn't expect me to wait for him. That won't stop him, he says that if he leaves, regardless if I'm with another or not he will come for me.

[TaintedLuv]

My friends told me of an MM whose OW was with him for 6 years. All the time he was saying he would leave' date=' there was always a reason. She lost the chance to have children. She left him and he suddenly realised what he had lost, and he went begging to my friends to get her to talk to him. She wouldn't (he did not even know them, he was devastated) - very sad to live with that regret. I asked my friend to ask her to talk to me about it, She didn't want to remember. My friend says my MM will end up doing this. ):[/quote']

 

That's what bothers me as well. If this does happen and I'm much older, he's robbed me of the things I wanted with my SO. My entire support system is at the point where they're saying "ur never getting over him, U waited this long, ull forgive, etc". Kinda sad.

[TheOW]

For us it was a mutual attraction for each other, flirting etc knew he was married and he knew I was as well, we live in the same small town and one evening when out we bumped into each other chatted etc, walked me home and we kissed, flirted for a few more years then another night out and we kissed again and decided to take it further, he was more nervous than I as like u he was happy in his marriage and here was this young woman wanting him, praising him, telling him gorgeous he was etc etc. We tried to end it numerous times but we were so addicted to each other it felt like death when we did. At one point he considered leaving his family and he said he had been over it in his head numerous time but decided he wanted his family and wife he owed her this after all the years together, kids, finances, house, business etc etc but he still couldn't resist me and I wouldn't let him either I was crazy for him the sex wasn't even that good but still I wouldn't let him go. I was keeping him out of jealousy, competition and ego. I do not doubt that he loved me I know he did but it wasn't enough I didn't understand it then but I understand it now sometimes you have to sacrifice your own happiness for someone else's