Perspective from a MM and ?'s

[uneek74]

Wow! Good Love Bad, my MM of 8 years explained to me his feeling about being the OM similiar to your explanation. I got what you were trying to say.

[happy stillmore]

it may get to the point where these feelings die or they continue to grow and my W should know the truth, I'm just not there yet.[/b]

 

This is an example of a XMM who is taking a passive role in his life. He is allowing time to make his decisions. Time isn't on his side as far as the OW. She will likely move on. As time goes on, it will be harder to leave his wife. Good love bad stated, it MAY get to the point where these feelings......

 

Good love bad,

I think you know as time goes on, the xOW will not even consider a second-hand chance with you. I believe you are hoping your feelings do die down while at the same time, you are waiting to see if your feelings grow. Again, time will give you your answer. How about looking at your feelings now in the present? After all, we learn from the past, LIVE in the Present, dream of the future. Waiting for time to decide your fate is not living with courage.

 

Well, I'm sure this is exactly the behavior that ended the affair. I'm sure the OW was not able to tolerate the wait-and-see approach any longer. Actions (or lack of actions) speak louder than words.

 

How can your wife make the decision if you haven't been honest with her? Unless your wife has insecurities or fears of being alone, she would be doing herself a disservice if she settled with a husband who she knows is loving another woman in his mind. She would be happier living with truths in the long run. I wish I knew your story because it would help clarify things. Did your wife know about the affair?

 

Take charge of your life. Make a decision and go with it. Do not allow time or others to choose your life. If you do, you will never find happiness because you will always be wondering what life would be like otherwise. I hope you can make a decision with conviction and settle your mind. It will be hard but you will be a stronger man if you do. I wish you peace.

Edited September 25, 2013 by happy stillmore

[legalgirl]

Holy crap is this my ex mm? Sounds exactly like him. I don't want to hurt anyone blah blah.

[Eggplant]

I do believe men and women are so different and it is easier for woman to be monogamous and for weak men to be weak.

I agree that men and women are on average a little different. However, I think a woman starved of emotional intimacy and affection can also be very, very weak and desperate. Humans are weak.

[waterwoman]

Hi good love bad,

 

IMO you have two choices:

 

1. Wait a year. Don't allow yourself to dwell on OW, try not to think about her, concentrate on your wife and your reconciliation with her. Don't allow yourself to think of OW as forbidden fruit or your affair as some great romance. Then if after a year you feel the same way. tell your wife you are leaving and then go.

 

2. Tell your wife right now that you actually love OW more than her and you are simply afraid to leave. I suspect your decision will be taken out of your hands.

 

HTH

 

Good luck

 

BTW - pining after OW but not doing anything to either be with her or to reconnect with your wife is a cop out and the worst option.

[maidai]

I think everyone is being a little harsh. I think hearing things from the MM perspective is really helpful here on this board and anyone engaging in an affair no matter what part they play other than the unknowing bs should own their behaviour. Truth is that not all do, no matter how selfish they know they are being, no matter how damaging they know their behaviour is being, hell most dont and always look to blame someone else until the cold harsh reality finally does set it. At least this man has put firm measures in place to try and rebuild what could have been lost and limit the damage that could have been done. He is also doing it whilst expressing sorrow that he is still making himself unhappy losing a greater love than he feels for his W.

 

I understand that people who have had the shoe fall on the other foot are hurt and have been hurt but I dont think taking the frustration on someone who is probably using the forum for the exact same reason is right. He obviously has issues he is trying to work through himself x

[lilmisscantbewrong]

When did your affair end? How long have you been in NC? Does your wife know about the affair? Is your AP married?

[imperfectangel]

I want to thank the original poster for this - we don't get to hear from the mm often enough on here

[maidai]

It's interesting to me how protective a few OWs are of the OP. Wanting to hear his perspective because MM don't post here very often.

 

Did you really hear anything new? He's merely posting what so many OWs already know or have been told by their MM yet the instincts of many are to coddle him.

 

It's not enough for the OP to love his OW. It doesn't make it all ok.

 

I don't feel the need to put him in a cage and study him. If his OW was still willing to listen to his excuses, he wouldn't be here. Making excuses for him won't help him.

 

No not at all, I just think that MM the same as OW play their parts in an A and all to often the OW/OM get an easier ride and much more support offered than a WH/WW wife.

 

I have seen a few times when OW/OM post a BS who is not this persons BS take them to shreds, MM/MW being taken to shreds by an exAP etc who is not involved with them.

 

I just think its wrong when people who have been in another position of an A sort of take it out on the wrong person if that makes sense?

 

I might not be making myself very clear but I know what I mean

 

I would hate to think that I was personally directing my feelings of the way my exMM made me feel towards another MM when it was not their fault *directly* I was made to feel that way.

 

I find it useful because alot of the time the MM is described as a selfish cake eater and very often its not seen that they themselves do have genuine turmoil and feelings, its insinuated but very rarely shown as not often is that perspective posted openly and honestly here.

 

I have empathy for anyone going through emotional turmoil and suffering regardless of its their own stupid wrong doing because we are only human and we right royally screw up. Its human nature.

Edited September 25, 2013 by maidai

[LilGirlandOW]

I really appreciate the refreshing viewpoint!

 

Its funny cause you could almost be my MM too, you seem very sweet, and innocent to the situation (not a serial cheater). The only difference is your feelings towards the BS.

 

My MM and I see eachother for the whole cake though, we see the good and bad, I see more of his cause I'm generally not an emotional hotspot, but he is my first call if anything good/bad/ugly happens.

 

I dont have anything right now to really add to the discussion, just wanted to thank you for posting, keep posting MM!

 

Although Goodbye has some great questions! I'd love to hear those answers!

[thefooloftheyear]

OK....Lets just leave out he predatory d-bags and guys that fake that they are married for the sake of this discussion...

 

So, what do we have? A MM that, for whatever reason enters into a relationship with an OW who knows full well up front that the guy is married. OK, so the initail rules are set.

 

Here is what happens, in most cases,...The OW feeds the need that the MM has. Emotional. sexual, whatever...And the MM honestly falls for the OW. It isnt lies and manipulation. But.....The pull of kids and the loss of finances, family, housing become just too big of a hurdle. Its like ordering a huge meal when you are hungry, then only being able to finish half...You go in with all of the intentions to do what you say you are going to..100% Then, it becomes to much to bear, so while it may be considered cruel to "string someone along", I dont think the MM ever really weighs all the consequences when entering or in the "honeymoon" phase of the affair..And in fairness, I dont think the OW does either...If they did they probably wouldnt consider it..

 

So now you have two people who dive into something without weighing the consequences truly on either side. Only a fool would think that all OW ride off into the sunset, just as it would be foolish to think all MM leave the BS holding the bag. So why then does it become all on the MM?

 

Ill use this analogy..As a businessman, if I hire someone for a job and put my faith in his/her capabilities and they fck up-its on them...If I continue to keep them employed while they systematically ruin my business, then its on me.

 

I know it differs as there are deep emotions involved-but its kinda the same deal in the way of responsibility. Eventually, then its up to the OW to face reality and realize it just wasnt going to happen. Not because the MM necessarily lied, he just couldnt do what he thought he could. Now an OW can say that "well, why didnt he just tell me that"? OK that is a fair question, but the reality is that the only moment that the MM realizes it just cant happen(for whatever reason) is when D day arrives..hence the reason thats the way these finally meet an end.

 

If it makes you feel better by demonizing the MM, then do it I suppose.. But at some point the OW has to see what or why this happened...

 

There is no affair without a willing OW/OM ..And despite the selective memory of these folks most knew how deep the water was...

 

I wish all well in their path towards healing.

 

TFY

Edited September 25, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[thefooloftheyear]

"you could be my MM"....how many have said this?

 

Its because it all plays out the same way...

 

No surprise..

 

TFY

[psm04]

TFY, thank you so much for your post. It applies to MW as well, not just MM. Not all of us married people are out to sabotage or use the other person. The simple truth is that love just isn't enough to leave. Maybe that makes us cowards, but that's the truth.

 

I was being a hypocrite and feeling really angry at my xOMM, when there is no reason to. However, if he tries to start the A with me again, I will be mad. I just want for both of us to realize reality, and live accordingly. That's what we've been doing anyway for the past month and half, but it's still tough.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Or that most adults understand the difference between lust and love. They might interchange them, but in their hearts know the difference.

 

I might also add, many married spouses end the affair before a dday. So there never was "the bs" is making me do s&*t.

 

What bothers me the most, is how the OP took the stance of talking on behalf of ALL mm. Its simply not the case. I think many more mm (whom I agree get demonized the most here) walk away, because all the affair really was...what it was...casual sex. Or as a friend once said to me...fancy masturbation.

[thefooloftheyear]

Or that most adults understand the difference between lust and love. They might interchange them, but in their hearts know the difference.

 

I might also add, many married spouses end the affair before a dday. So there never was "the bs" is making me do s&*t.

 

What bothers me the most, is how the OP took the stance of talking on behalf of ALL mm. Its simply not the case. I think many more mm (whom I agree get demonized the most here) walk away, because all the affair really was...what it was...casual sex. Or as a friend once said to me...fancy masturbation.

 

Ive excluded them from the convo...I dont think its as common as you think..

 

One thing you never hear anyone admit to(at least on this board) is who was the pursuer? I can only speak for myself in saying if I wasnt actively pursued, I would have never gone there..150% sure...

 

 

Does it justify it? Nope..

 

TFY

Edited September 25, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[AlwaysGrowing]

If you were wouldnt have gone there if not pursued, how invested were you?

[thefooloftheyear]

If you were wouldnt have gone there if not pursued, how invested were you?

 

Im not quite understanding your sentence...help me out..

 

 

Read my original post...My D had begun several months before meeting this person...

 

That should answer your question..I think, anyway..

 

Again...Does it make it right?....Nope...

 

TFY

[herenow]

It is always rare and appreciated when a MM posts on this forum. In this case, I will give you the BS POV. Not that you actually asked, but here goes.

 

You said you plan to tell your wife but you are not there yet. Think of every day you wait as a day stolen from your wife. You are making a decision for your wife and she doesn't even know there is a choice. IMO this behavior is more selfish that the affair itself. If you have any love for your wife at all, you owe her the truth now. Your wife is wasting away time with a man who is clearly investing emotion in an other woman. Even if you don't want to leave your wife, she should know that she has a choice to make. She should be able to decide if she wants to stay with you. You owe her that. Like I said, you are stealing from your wife with every second you hide the truth.

[WrinkledForehead]

Holy crap is this my ex mm? Sounds exactly like him. I don't want to hurt anyone blah blah.

 

"I don't want to hurt you" is exactly what people say when they know they're hurting you, yet continue on doing it anyways.

[jlola]

I think a lot of A's that end suddenly (Dday or OW just fed up) leave the MP in turmoil. The AP is "the one that got away", forbidden fruit, what if.......

 

If you aren't willing to leave your W. Your first step would be to stop pining for the AP. (easier said then done) Stop torturing yourself with the "what if's" Focus on your W. Fall in love with her again.

 

OR

 

You can separate from your W. Live on your own 2 feet. If it's meant to be between you and OW, then it will be. Living your life paralyzed by fear is no life at all.

You are STILL hurting everyone with your inaction. You can't be present in your M while longing for someone else. You are most likely depressed (sucking the life out of your W and family) and distant.

Meanwhile, the OW is in pain, heartache and suffering her own battle of depression and anger. Anger at you and anger at herself for getting caught up in you. As much as you don't want to hurt anyone....you are hurting everyone by doing nothing.

 

"In Love" feelings fade in every relationship. Every time. No matter who, no matter what. It's just the way it is.

 

 

MP/AP affair love is "stage 1 love" Otherwise known as the "honeymoon period".

 

The chemicals in their bodies are at all time high. This is why the "in love" feelings feel so strong. These feelings will eventually end as our bodies cannot handle the chemical highs for too long.

 

Unfortunately, many peopel end he affair at that stage(which last longer oin affairs) making them feel they are star crossed lovers and obsess over the feelings they think would have lasted forever with this particular person. I suggest everyone do reading on the phases and stages of a relationship.

 

I sent my 5x married sister information on the stages before marriage #5. She was stating this new husband was the love of her life and she had never felt this way before. So this marriage would last. We had all heard these lines before from her before she married every husband. She read it and said this is bull.

 

Her feelings would never change because this was her soulmate. Well, a few months after she and soulmate got married, The next stage came along.It is not going well. She and my father are chemical addicts and love the enchantment stage. Probably why AP divorce at the same or higher rate than regular relationships. After giving so much up for each other, you would think it would be the opposite. But many think the enchantment stage will last forever in this relationship since affairs magnify feelings. when something makes you feel anxious,insecure,given at intermittent times, gives you a roller coaster ride,you fall deeper into it. You obsess over it, crave it.Become addicted to the feelings.

 

Everyone should understand the stages of love Relationship-Help.com

[AlwaysGrowing]

Yeah, I didn't make sense, nor use English well.

 

How invested were you, if you feel that you would not have gone there if not pursued.

[thefooloftheyear]

It is always rare and appreciated when a MM posts on this forum. In this case, I will give you the BS POV. Not that you actually asked, but here goes.

 

You said you plan to tell your wife but you are not there yet. Think of every day you wait as a day stolen from your wife. You are making a decision for your wife and she doesn't even know there is a choice. IMO this behavior is more selfish that the affair itself. If you have any love for your wife at all, you owe her the truth now. Your wife is wasting away time with a man who is clearly investing emotion in an other woman. Even if you don't want to leave your wife, she should know that she has a choice to make. She should be able to decide if she wants to stay with you. You owe her that. Like I said, you are stealing from your wife with every second you hide the truth.

 

I agree....and hence my great guilt and remorse for my actions...Frankly I felt more sorrow for stealing tmie from my kid, but thats another story...

 

But let me just throw this in here...Before I say this, let me be clear ..Its NOT THE SAME!

 

When a BS "checks out" on her MM by being passive aggressive, totally ignoring anything that makes his life easier, better, moe rewarding..whatever,..and is only consumed with herself, couldnt one argue that she is stealing time from his life too? Doesnt she owe him the truth about why her actions are the way they are?

 

Again...not saying its right or any reason to go and get it from someone else in an inappropriate manner, but there is no doubt this is the reason why many men(and women) seek out affairs..

 

Too many BS's see themselves as the spouse of the century..If they have enough introspection they might realize thats far from accurate..

 

TFY

[herenow]

I agree....and hence my great guilt and remorse for my actions...Frankly I felt more sorrow for stealing tmie from my kid, but thats another story...

 

But let me just throw this in here...Before I say this, let me be clear ..Its NOT THE SAME!

 

When a BS "checks out" on her MM by being passive aggressive, totally ignoring anything that makes his life easier, better, moe rewarding..whatever,..and is only consumed with herself, couldnt one argue that she is stealing time from his life too? Doesnt she owe him the truth about why her actions are the way they are?

 

Again...not saying its right or any reason to go and get it from someone else in an inappropriate manner, but there is no doubt this is the reason why many men(and women) seek out affairs..

 

Too many BS's see themselves as the spouse of the century..If they have enough introspection they might realize thats far from accurate..

 

TFY

 

Considering the OP said that his wife is "perfect", I don't get the feeling this scenario applies to him. And we are talking about the OP in this thread right?

[ladydesigner]

Ive excluded them from the convo...I dont think its as common as you think..

 

One thing you never hear anyone admit to(at least on this board) is who was the pursuer? I can only speak for myself in saying if I wasnt actively pursued, I would have never gone there..150% sure...

 

 

Does it justify it? Nope..

 

TFY

 

I agree. I was able to see by the deleted texts who the pursuer was, it was MOW in our case. But, if it wasn't her it would have been someone else. My WH was miserable with himself, resented me for being happy and successful and he always had bad boundaries, so I am not surprised.

 

In my own A my xAP did the grooming and I pursued an A with him.

[ladydesigner]

I agree....and hence my great guilt and remorse for my actions...Frankly I felt more sorrow for stealing tmie from my kid, but thats another story...

 

But let me just throw this in here...Before I say this, let me be clear ..Its NOT THE SAME!

 

When a BS "checks out" on her MM by being passive aggressive, totally ignoring anything that makes his life easier, better, moe rewarding..whatever,..and is only consumed with herself, couldnt one argue that she is stealing time from his life too? Doesnt she owe him the truth about why her actions are the way they are?

 

Again...not saying its right or any reason to go and get it from someone else in an inappropriate manner, but there is no doubt this is the reason why many men(and women) seek out affairs..

 

Too many BS's see themselves as the spouse of the century..If they have enough introspection they might realize thats far from accurate..

 

TFY

 

This is I think what happened in our situation. I did explain why my actions were the way they were, but my WH did nothing to change that. In fact it was my life that was not easy because of him. I was the breadwinner, single parent as I got no help, cooked, did laundry, we were intimate twice a week and ... My WH checked out for whatever reason he did, but at the time it was as if he was his own worst enemy. I believe my WH was running from the responsibility of life and wanted it to be playtime ALL OF THE TIME. My WH also turned his back on me as soon as our first child was born, too much for him and couldn't handle the responsibility. A Man-Child is who my WH WAS.

 

I'm not saying I am the spouse of the century because I am not, but sometimes these MM like to place blame for their A on their BS for "checking-out" but do not see how their actions may have led to their wife's "checking-out".