Split Self Affair

[SidLyon]

I can't find that Emily Brown has any qualifications as a licensed psychologist. She only claims to be a LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social worker), not a psychologist.

 

She does not (as somebody else said) just prepare material for other therapists and she most certainly advertises herself to followers of pop culture. Just see the list of her TV/media appearances. Personally I think much of her stuff is bunkum.

 

Here is an extract from her own website:

 

[sIZE=4][COLOR=#9900cc]Emily M. Brown[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=3], LCSW, is Director of Key Bridge Therapy & Mediation Center in Arlington, VA. She works with couples, individuals, and families regarding the underlying issues in marriage, divorce, and betrayal. [/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]Throughout the United States and in Europe she offers workshops for professionals on treating the issues associated with extramarital affairs and other relationship issues.

She is the author of Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatment, and numerous articles on affairs. Her latest book, Affairs: A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity, is a personal guide for those who are dealing with the painful fallout of an affair, and for those who care about them. [/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]Media experience includes The Early Show, Oprah, Donahue, the Today Show, CNBC's Real Personal, The Shirley Show (Canada), National Public Television, NPR's Talk of the Nation, and numerous other radio and television programs. [/sIZE]

[Owl]

I think anyone can claim that psychology is pseudo science. That claim is anti-intellectual and not.particularly instructive. Is Emily Brown peer reviewed?

 

I didnt claim that psychology was pseudo-science. I stated that i believe that the concept of split self affairs is pseudo-scientific nonsense intended to make the common phenomenom of indecision during an emotional affair sound like some kind of seperate emotional issue requiring therapy...which Dr Brown makes money from. And money from her books, etc...

 

You want her peer reviewed? Hire a peer of hers to conduct one. Otherwise you are just stuck with the opinion of poters here.

[busdriver]

The OP, as I understand it, posted an article/theory that resonated with him. Whether you want to call it "split self" or just indecision, it's a state that existed BEFORE the affair. It might not have even led to an affair. He might have kept it stuffed forever. he might have gotten into MC with his wife. He might have turned to an addiction or a compulsion of some kind. That's not the point. It's a state of being for many people -- performing certain actions, while feeling different feelings.

 

No, it's not unique or special. But it's there, and it's there before the affair. It's valid for a WS to examine his.her motives and feelings. It might sound like old news to a lot of people here, but for some readers here this might be the first they've even thought about such things. It is absolutely valid for a WS to try and understand themselves. THEMSELVES, not just the affair, not just the marriage.

 

So if Moper posted this in the Marriage thread, before he had an A, maybe he would have gotten one type of discussion going, focused on prevention or even separation. If he posted it in a thread about addictions, it might have started a discussion about CBT or something. In either case, it would likely be constructive. But he posted it here. So we are having another discussion about "Affairs Are Never Justified." Because apparently we haven't settled that yet or something. And conceding that a marriage might have had unspoken issues before an affair is apparently the same thing as saying it's the BS's fault.

 

"Split self" obviously can't define a whole person. It doesn't require a breakdown of its logical flaws to figure that out. You're not going to find ANY label, written by anyone, that stands up to that.

 

This thread was not an attempt to justify/blame/absolve anything. The OP shared something that struck a chord in him. And I don't think that chord was "Look, I'm off the hook!" What he posted is a picture of a SOCIETAL problem, one which affects many people. Very few people are living authentically. We play roles for others -- at work, at home, on the train, everywhere. If you never stop to think about it, you can easily lose your sense of self. If you never examine it, whether you do that before OR after you screw up, you'll never learn to be real, with yourself or with your loved ones, whoever they are.

 

And no, that doesn't mean everyone's all-clear to have affairs. But it also doesn't mean anyone gets a cookie just for sticking to the script...myself included. Intent vs. action seems to be the real debate here. Actions are enough for a lot of people. But as some very wise posters on here have pointed out to me, performing all the duties of a husband/happily-reconciled fWS doesn't make me one.

[Moper]

The OP, as I understand it, posted an article/theory that resonated with him. Whether you want to call it "split self" or just indecision, it's a state that existed BEFORE the affair. It might not have even led to an affair. He might have kept it stuffed forever. he might have gotten into MC with his wife. He might have turned to an addiction or a compulsion of some kind. That's not the point. It's a state of being for many people -- performing certain actions, while feeling different feelings.

 

No, it's not unique or special. But it's there, and it's there before the affair. It's valid for a WS to examine his.her motives and feelings. It might sound like old news to a lot of people here, but for some readers here this might be the first they've even thought about such things. It is absolutely valid for a WS to try and understand themselves. THEMSELVES, not just the affair, not just the marriage.

 

So if Moper posted this in the Marriage thread, before he had an A, maybe he would have gotten one type of discussion going, focused on prevention or even separation. If he posted it in a thread about addictions, it might have started a discussion about CBT or something. In either case, it would likely be constructive. But he posted it here. So we are having another discussion about "Affairs Are Never Justified." Because apparently we haven't settled that yet or something. And conceding that a marriage might have had unspoken issues before an affair is apparently the same thing as saying it's the BS's fault.

 

"Split self" obviously can't define a whole person. It doesn't require a breakdown of its logical flaws to figure that out. You're not going to find ANY label, written by anyone, that stands up to that.

 

This thread was not an attempt to justify/blame/absolve anything. The OP shared something that struck a chord in him. And I don't think that chord was "Look, I'm off the hook!" What he posted is a picture of a SOCIETAL problem, one which affects many people. Very few people are living authentically. We play roles for others -- at work, at home, on the train, everywhere. If you never stop to think about it, you can easily lose your sense of self. If you never examine it, whether you do that before OR after you screw up, you'll never learn to be real, with yourself or with your loved ones, whoever they are.

 

And no, that doesn't mean everyone's all-clear to have affairs. But it also doesn't mean anyone gets a cookie just for sticking to the script...myself included. Intent vs. action seems to be the real debate here. Actions are enough for a lot of people. But as some very wise posters on here have pointed out to me, performing all the duties of a husband/happily-reconciled fWS doesn't make me one.

 

I respect the point of view, that split-self is some kind of rationalization for having an affair, but I sense a similar need based motive in the eagerness to summarily dismiss the theory.

 

I am trying to figure myself out. I am trying to learn. I don't really see a need to either justify or condemn my A. It is now another fact in my life and there is nothing I can do to change that.

 

The bouncing from one extreme to the other is the worst part of it.

[Owl]

I respect the point of view, that split-self is some kind of rationalization for having an affair, but I sense a similar need based motive in the eagerness to summarily dismiss the theory.

 

I am trying to figure myself out. I am trying to learn. I don't really see a need to either justify or condemn my A. It is now another fact in my life and there is nothing I can do to change that.

 

The bouncing from one extreme to the other is the worst part of it.

 

Fascinating. I sense a need based motive to embrace the concept that makes this seem like it's something that requires additional therapy, or is in some fashion outside of the WS's scope of control.

 

It's entirely within their control, nor is it unique to some subset of WS's...virtually every WS feels that indecision...but apparently some subset have difficulty in accepting that it doesn't make them or their situation unique, or in any fashion remove their ability to get off their ass and make a choice.

 

It's not a rationalization for having an affair...but it clearly is rationalization for not ending one.

[Betterthanthis13]

I respect the point of view, that split-self is some kind of rationalization for having an affair, but I sense a similar need based motive in the eagerness to summarily dismiss the theory.

 

I am trying to figure myself out. I am trying to learn. I don't really see a need to either justify or condemn my A. It is now another fact in my life and there is nothing I can do to change that.

 

The bouncing from one extreme to the other is the worst part of it.

 

What is your normal process when you have to figure out if something is right or wrong for you to do?

 

Not an affair. Anything. How do you, Moper, know if something is right or wrong?

[So happy together]

You do realize that even if you talk and analyze it to death, affairs will still happen.

[Anna-Belle]

This debate reminds me of when poor morals were blamed for alcohol abuse. Eventually it was understood there was more to it and the concept of alcoholism being a disease was created and treatment and self-help groups appeared.

 

I have a hard time understanding why people hang on to issues being a question of morality rather than looking for solutions. There must be some benefit for them in doing this. I figure they want things to remain as they have always been and are not prepared to contribute to change. They are not prepared to do the hard work it would mean to be introspective rather than point fingers.

 

Hopefully there will come a time when people will be as enlightened about infidelity as most are today about alcoholism.

Edited August 14, 2013 by Anna-Belle

[Betterthanthis13]

This debate reminds me of when poor morals were blamed for alcohol abuse. Eventually it was understood there was more to it and the concept of alcoholism being a disease was created and treatment and self-help groups appeared.

 

I have a hard time understanding why people hang on to issues being a question of morality rather than looking for solutions. There must be some benefit for them in doing this. I figure they want things to remain as they have always been and are not prepared to contribute to change. They are not prepared to do the hard work it would mean to be introspective rather than point fingers.

 

My interest isn't in morals. I don't care who people have sex with or who they form relationships with. LGBT marriage, poly, swingers, asexual, whatever...... have at it-I have no interest in telling anyone their morals are "wrong". Do whatever you want, i dont care. have a ball.My interest is in thought process.

 

I do believe in systems, and upholding contracts, legal or social. Without them we have chaos and anarchy.

[Betterthanthis13]

This debate reminds me of when poor morals were blamed for alcohol abuse. Eventually it was understood there was more to it and the concept of alcoholism being a disease was created and treatment and self-help groups appeared.

 

I have a hard time understanding why people hang on to issues being a question of morality rather than looking for solutions. There must be some benefit for them in doing this. I figure they want things to remain as they have always been and are not prepared to contribute to change. They are not prepared to do the hard work it would mean to be introspective rather than point fingers.

 

Hopefully there will come a time when people will be as enlightened about infidelity as most are today about alcoholism.

 

Please enlighten me about infidelity.

[Owl]

OK, but as a parallel...when does the line come in when determining "sickness" over "choice"?

 

It's easy to use alcoholism as a parallel...or homosexuality.

 

But what if it were something else? Do we give the same "out" for rapists? They're clearly sick and not able to control themselves...does that make their choices any less heinous, their victims any less devestated?

 

Trying to show a parallell that supports your viewpoint opens the doors for any number of others that don't.

[So happy together]

]My interest isn't in morals. [/b]I don't care who people have sex with or who they form relationships with. LGBT marriage, poly, swingers, asexual, whatever...... have at it-I have no interest in telling anyone their morals are "wrong". Do whatever you want, i dont care. have a ball.My interest is in thought process.

 

I do believe in systems, and upholding contracts, legal or social. Without them we have chaos and anarchy.

 

Good. Tell that to BS's who talk about it being a moral issue ALL THE TIME. How we (OW/OM) have no morals. Because guess what? I have morals.

 

My bf's wife didn't uphold their marriage vows LONG before he stepped out. 12 years of no sex. TWELVE YEARS. So, perhaps BS's should be asking themselves if THEY have lived up to their end of the 'contract'.

 

No disrespect to you, but really?

[Steadfast]

This debate reminds me of when poor morals were blamed for alcohol abuse. Eventually it was understood there was more to it and the concept of alcoholism being a disease was created and treatment and self-help groups appeared.

 

I have a hard time understanding why people hang on to issues being a question of morality rather than looking for solutions. There must be some benefit for them in doing this. I figure they want things to remain as they have always been and are not prepared to contribute to change. They are not prepared to do the hard work it would mean to be introspective rather than point fingers.

 

Hopefully there will come a time when people will be as enlightened about infidelity as most are today about alcoholism.

 

Evolution rides in to save the cheater! Yay evolution!

 

Victimization replaces accountability. Yeah, that's working well. Abusing alcohol and lying could only be classified as a disease if either was forced to start. "Finish your Jack Daniels or no dessert for you mister!"

 

Thanks to evolution, we may one day replace all of our courtrooms with hospitals. Is anyone holding their breath for that? Lies breed more lies.

[Moper]

These.are.very difficult questions so an A is not like rape. I do continue to ask where the real breach is. Is it totally in the physical act of sex?

 

I don't think so.

 

I still don't the morality part of tbis as being particularly helpful. I lived most of my life.adhering to that morality and it ended up leaving me with a huge void. And if I am to be punished for this my current state of mind is pretty tough.

 

I certainly wouldn't wish a.split-self on anyone.

[waterwoman]

So, perhaps BS's should be asking themselves if THEY have lived up to their end of the 'contract'.

 

No disrespect to you, but really?

 

Most of us DO again and again! I have spent much of the last 12 months wondering what I did wrong. My self-esteem is in my boots. He is a good man, how could he do something so cruel - ergo it must be my fault. He tells me that it wasn't my fault - I did nothing wrong - but I still find it hard to beleive because my personal compass finds it hard to dismiss lying and betrayal as 'just one of those things'. Oh there were problems without a doubt but they were problems caused by us both - but I was the one that got kicked in the teeth. And the only fix for that is to question myself again and again. Please don't assume most BS don't take all the blame that might be coming their way and then some... it's just that in the end it's hard to accept that infidelity is a fair and reasonable response to problems.

 

When I read your posts about your chap and his marriage I can see why he needed to get out and I can't say I blame him, but most of us aren't like that, we aren't drunken selfish monsters, just ordinary people.

[Owl]

These.are.very difficult questions so an A is not like rape.

 

I disagree. It's as an apt a parallel...or even a better one...than alcoholism. An affair has intent, like rape. It has a victim, like rape. It's emotionally devestating and often creates secondary difficulties (like PTSD) in its victims. And...it's a CHOICE...not a disease as was previously mentioned.

 

The use of the term "split self" often makes it sound like the WS was under some sort of mental handicap or difficulty that prevents them from "expressing themselves" within the context of the marriage....and somehow the OW/OM magically "frees them to be themselves".

 

In other words...it's an illness over which they have no control...not a choice in which they did indeed have full control.

 

I disagree and find the concept as nothing more than a copout.

 

I do continue to ask where the real breach is. Is it totally in the physical act of sex?

 

I don't think so.

 

Clearly not. It's the destroyed trust, the broken promises and lies made to you by someone who was supposed to be the one person you COULD trust. It's the successful duplicity that they carried out...against you...intentionally, with full awareness and knowledge of the likely emotional devestation that the BS would feel as a result. It's the sheer selfishness in someone who was supposed to be a partner.

 

I'm sure you get this.

 

I still don't the morality part of tbis as being particularly helpful. I lived most of my life.adhering to that morality and it ended up leaving me with a huge void. And if I am to be punished for this my current state of mind is pretty tough.

 

I don't know how you seperate morality from infidelity. Lying and cheating from making moral decisions.

 

You made a choice...a choice that violated the morals that you claimed to uphold. You betrayed the trust and love of someone.

 

How could you expect not to suffer consequences for that?

 

How does it being a "split self affair" change that? Negate your responsibilities? How does it somehow make your choice to continue acceptable, or "ok"?

 

I certainly wouldn't wish a.split-self on anyone.

 

I wouldn't wish an AFFAIR on anyone.

 

The indecision that goes with having an affair is just part and parcel of the whole thing...

 

Everyone is a "split self". I don't get how one person's opinion or use of that term somehow makes it a new thing, or something that absolves you of the responsibilities and repercussions of your choices and actions?

[Betterthanthis13]

Good. Tell that to BS's who talk about it being a moral issue ALL THE TIME. How we (OW/OM) have no morals. Because guess what? I have morals.

 

My bf's wife didn't uphold their marriage vows LONG before he stepped out. 12 years of no sex. TWELVE YEARS. So, perhaps BS's should be asking themselves if THEY have lived up to their end of the 'contract'.

 

No disrespect to you, but really?

 

I'm definitely floating out here on my own island with what I think about all this infidelity stuff.

 

At first- right after DDay (in June I think) I came on loveshack to get advice from strangers because I felt really alone and hurt and confused and mad- and I had aready broken up with this guy one time before, and didnt feel like hearing I told you so from my friends yet. I think my first post was called "wtf am I doing" or something like that. I received some really great advice in the first few weeks when my head was incapable of thinking clearly. Ugh I don't even like remembering those first few weeks. All I did was eat Oreos and smoke cigarettes. I quit smoking for 10 years at one point. Now I have to quit again. Dumb decision. Do I blame my ex for making me smoke? No.

 

The first interesting thing I noticed was how much support BS's got, and how few WS's were on here, and how the OW's had their own forum. Then I just started to become interested in everybody else's story, and investigating everything. That's what I'm doing, still doing it now.

 

I do have a way of thinking that is different, not just from most WS's I see on here, but from everyone.

 

I do think your bf's BS broke the marriage contract. I think he had every right to do something about it. I don't think it de facto gave him the right to also break the contract. He always had the right to dissolve the contract. He didnt. He made a bad decision. He forgives himself. You forgive him. So what is the problem?

 

Do I think your boyfriend is a monster? A remoreseless "cheater?" NO NO NO and nobody will convince me he is, ever. Any more than they can convince me that someone who stole a pack of gum from a convenience store is the same as someone who robbed a convenience store at gunpoint.

 

They both stole. They both broke the law. If the gum stealer feels terrible, goes back to the store and tells the owner what he did, and never steals again- so what? Turn him into the cops? Seriously?

 

If he stops at that same store every day and the owner is a miserable prick who always is rude, gives him the wrong change, etc etc, and he stole the gum, and he doesn't go back and confess and apologize- but he stops going to that store, feels terrible for stealing,and never steals again- then what? Turn himself in to the cops? Is that what the morality police want? He's sorry. It was a mistake. Yes he stole. It won't happen again. The end.

 

The robber at gunpoint? That's a whole different story. Those two thiefs do not belong in a jail cell together. If you think they do, please let's talk about it

[So happy together]

Most of us DO again and again! I have spent much of the last 12 months wondering what I did wrong. My self-esteem is in my boots. He is a good man, how could he do something so cruel - ergo it must be my fault. He tells me that it wasn't my fault - I did nothing wrong - but I still find it hard to beleive because my personal compass finds it hard to dismiss lying and betrayal as 'just one of those things'. Oh there were problems without a doubt but they were problems caused by us both - but I was the one that got kicked in the teeth. And the only fix for that is to question myself again and again. Please don't assume most BS don't take all the blame that might be coming their way and then some... it's just that in the end it's hard to accept that infidelity is a fair and reasonable response to problems.

 

When I read your posts about your chap and his marriage I can see why he needed to get out and I can't say I blame him, but most of us aren't like that, we aren't drunken selfish monsters, just ordinary people.

 

Water.

 

I hear what you are saying. But look at the bolded. I am not disagreeing that they were caused by both, but the problems were still there. I hope that at some point you can trust again. I'm not saying that every marriage should be without problems, but the connection was lost, right? That's what I think matters. If you can revive that, I think your marriage has a good chance. And thanks for the kind words about my bf. He's a good man.

[waterwoman]

Water.

 

I hear what you are saying. But look at the bolded. I am not disagreeing that they were caused by both, but the problems were still there. I hope that at some point you can trust again. I'm not saying that every marriage should be without problems, but the connection was lost, right? That's what I think matters. If you can revive that, I think your marriage has a good chance. And thanks for the kind words about my bf. He's a good man.

 

You are welcome

 

Thing is I can't help seeing H's affair as some sort of punishment - look, you weren't good enough so I am going to find someone else! And I don't see that I deserved punishment more than he did. I know that is childish and simplistic but dealing with that kind of hurt tends to make you think childishly and simplistically. One thing I am coming to terms with is that there is no 'justice' in this - there is just hurt and eventually there is, I hope, healing but no justice - i have to move on and forgive, or leave him. But when you (not just you BTW) say that BS need to look to their own failings it makes it smart just that little bit more.

[So happy together]

I'm definitely floating out here on my own island with what I think about all this infidelity stuff.

 

At first- right after DDay (in June I think) I came on loveshack to get advice from strangers because I felt really alone and hurt and confused and mad- and I had aready broken up with this guy one time before, and didnt feel like hearing I told you so from my friends yet. I think my first post was called "wtf am I doing" or something like that. I received some really great advice in the first few weeks when my head was incapable of thinking clearly. Ugh I don't even like remembering those first few weeks. All I did was eat Oreos and smoke cigarettes. I quit smoking for 10 years at one point. Now I have to quit again. Dumb decision. Do I blame my ex for making me smoke? No.

 

The first interesting thing I noticed was how much support BS's got, and how few WS's were on here, and how the OW's had their own forum. Then I just started to become interested in everybody else's story, and investigating everything. That's what I'm doing, still doing it now.

 

I do have a way of thinking that is different, not just from most WS's I see on here, but from everyone.

 

I do think your bf's BS broke the marriage contract. I think he had every right to do something about it. I don't think it de facto gave him the right to also break the contract. He always had the right to dissolve the contract. He didnt. He made a bad decision. He forgives himself. You forgive him. So what is the problem?

 

Do I think your boyfriend is a monster? A remoreseless "cheater?" NO NO NO and nobody will convince me he is, ever. Any more than they can convince me that someone who stole a pack of gum from a convenience store is the same as someone who robbed a convenience store at gunpoint.

 

They both stole. They both broke the law. If the gum stealer feels terrible, goes back to the store and tells the owner what he did, and never steals again- so what? Turn him into the cops? Seriously?

 

If he stops at that same store every day and the owner is a miserable prick who always is rude, gives him the wrong change, etc etc, and he stole the gum, and he doesn't go back and confess and apologize- but he stops going to that store, feels terrible for stealing,and never steals again- then what? Turn himself in to the cops? Is that what the morality police want? He's sorry. It was a mistake. Yes he stole. It won't happen again. The end.

 

The robber at gunpoint? That's a whole different story. Those two thiefs do not belong in a jail cell together. If you think they do, please let's talk about it

 

I love this because to a lot, stealing is stealing, period. No matter what the reason. I say all the time that If we could do it differently we would but that doesn't stop me from defending OW/OM. I defend because I know what it was to be them. And I defent WS's also because I know the turmoil that it causes in their hearts.

 

Should they have left first, yeah. But they didn't. A lot of WS's just fell into it. I know that is not much subscribed to, but it's true. It's such a huge roller coaster, and it happens so fast, almost like you can't catch your breath. And for those that feel unloved for any reason, it just feels so good to be wanted. Needed.

 

It's a tough call, because really, even if they did it wrong, they did it for a reason. They're feeling unloved. And when I talk about this, I even talk about serial cheaters, because they are lacking something as well. Even if they themselves don't know what they're lacking. Maybe it is something in themselves. Maybe it's something they need from another.

 

I just know that most (not all) of these WS were seriously lacking something they needed. ( I don't put yours in this category, because I know your story) but most were.

[Mr. Lucky]

Hopefully there will come a time when people will be as enlightened about infidelity as most are today about alcoholism.

Perhaps you could get "split self" classified as a disability, thereby entitling the unfaithful to blue handicap stickers and better parking spaces than the rest of us ??? That would fit right in with the general sense of entitlement displayed here.

 

I've never seen people work harder after the fact to rationalize behaviors they knew were wrong in the first place...

 

Mr. Lucky

[So happy together]

Perhaps you could get "split self" classified as a disability, thereby entitling the unfaithful to blue handicap stickers and better parking spaces than the rest of us ??? That would fit right in with the general sense of entitlement displayed here.

 

I've never seen people work harder after the fact to rationalize behaviors they knew were wrong in the first place...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Psht. Gimme a break.

[Mr. Lucky]

A lot of WS's just fell into it. I know that is not much subscribed to, but it's true. It's such a huge roller coaster, and it happens so fast, almost like you can't catch your breath.

Psht. Gimme a break.

 

Mr. Lucky

[busdriver]

It's interesting how this talk has turned to disease and diagnosis. I don't remember any such suggestion.

 

Ok, so Moper is not allowed to try and figure out what conditions within him left him vulnerable to an affair. He is not allowed to even think that such a condition could exist. The only thing that matters is he did a bad thing, and he did that bad thing because he has a dirty nasty pit where his morals should be, and that's the ONLY reason. Affairs are caused by EVIL. And evil is sui generis, apparently -- it doesn't draw strength from anything or anyone else. It spontaneously spawned in Moper's heart and turned him into A Cheater (which is also apparently the same thing as a rapist, just to really make sure I understand the logic here?) And he must be punished. FOREVER.

[Betterthanthis13]

I love this because to a lot, stealing is stealing, period. No matter what the reason. I say all the time that If we could do it differently we would but that doesn't stop me from defending OW/OM. I defend because I know what it was to be them. And I defent WS's also because I know the turmoil that it causes in their hearts.

 

Should they have left first, yeah. But they didn't. A lot of WS's just fell into it. I know that is not much subscribed to, but it's true. It's such a huge roller coaster, and it happens so fast, almost like you can't catch your breath. And for those that feel unloved for any reason, it just feels so good to be wanted. Needed.

 

It's a tough call, because really, even if they did it wrong, they did it for a reason. They're feeling unloved. And when I talk about this, I even talk about serial cheaters, because they are lacking something as well. Even if they themselves don't know what they're lacking. Maybe it is something in themselves. Maybe it's something they need from another.

 

I just know that most (not all) of these WS were seriously lacking something they needed. ( I don't put yours in this category, because I know your story) but most were.

 

Oh, xbf was lacking something. That is for sure. What I thikhe was lacking and what his therapist and SAA think he is lacking are just two different things.