Split Self Affair

[Betterthanthis13]

In that article I found both relevant and logical points.

 

I understand that too- my article titled "Snow is Made of Milk!" Also has premises that are all true, and a logically valid formula to get to the conclusion- therefore it can be inferred, logically, that the article is correct.

 

But in real life, snow is not made of milk, even if I make up fantastical twisted formulas to deceive people and make them believe it can be. Snow= Not Milk.

 

your particular situation is an anomaly that isn't easily covered by basic "why it's wrong to cheat" logic. There are several posters on here who I follow their story who are in predicaments like that. Who IT SEEMS, would benefit from a book titled "When Good People Have Affairs".

 

There are also plenty of douchey serial cheaters who would LIKE to benefit from such logic being absorbed into the mainstream.

 

The thing is, snow isn't made of milk.

 

I can actually take the identical (flawed) logic in that book and PROVE "Why good people kidnap babies" but that's for the other thread I need to create

 

Your brain processes information, trying to make your brain absorb logically flawed belief systems is exhausting, it's actually easier to figure out the logic one time, find the error, explain it, and move on.

 

Trying to keep the original formula as your belief system,and retroactively prove a bad decision was good or a false premise was true based on a positive result is what this book is trying to do, and while much of the information in it is useful, helpful, true, and follows rules of logic, it's all just a way for her to promote, and then profit off of other people's pain, and I don't agree with that. But- capitalism seems to be mostly working so I'm just going to not worry about that I've got enough to worry about with m

 

I can work out your logic for you in a way that would probably make you feel a lot better. It won't tell you affairs are good though. Affairs aren't "good". "Good people" don't have affairs. She twists words around to encourage the absorption of bad logic so people can justify what they wanted to all along. My way doesn't make people who have affairs "the devil". I don't even believe in that stuff. Anyway I'm getting way ahead of myself here and I think I just started a debate with that other lady, but hopefully we can talk logic soon, your story is really interesting.

 

Trying to keep the original formula as your belief system,and retroactively prove a bad decision was good or a false premise was true based on a positive result is what this book is trying to do, and while much of the information in it is useful, helpful, true, and follows rules of logic, it's all just a way for her to promote, and then profit off of other people's pain, and I don't agree with that. But- capitalism seems to be mostly working so I'm just going to not worry about that I've got enough to worry about with my Ashley Madison side project and all

[HopingAgain]

BetterThanThis...you ROCK! Just thought you should know that in case you didn't already. Carry on!

[Realist3]

I understand that too- my article titled "Snow is Made of Milk!" Also has premises that are all true, and a logically valid formula to get to the conclusion- therefore it can be inferred, logically, that the article is correct.

 

But in real life, snow is not made of milk, even if I make up fantastical twisted formulas to deceive people and make them believe it can be. Snow= Not Milk.

 

your particular situation is an anomaly that isn't easily covered by basic "why it's wrong to cheat" logic. There are several posters on here who I follow their story who are in predicaments like that. Who IT SEEMS, would benefit from a book titled "When Good People Have Affairs".

 

There are also plenty of douchey serial cheaters who would LIKE to benefit from such logic being absorbed into the mainstream.

 

The thing is, snow isn't made of milk.

 

I can actually take the identical (flawed) logic in that book and PROVE "Why good people kidnap babies" but that's for the other thread I need to create

 

Your brain processes information, trying to make your brain absorb logically flawed belief systems is exhausting, it's actually easier to figure out the logic one time, find the error, explain it, and move on.

 

Trying to keep the original formula as your belief system,and retroactively prove a bad decision was good or a false premise was true based on a positive result is what this book is trying to do, and while much of the information in it is useful, helpful, true, and follows rules of logic, it's all just a way for her to promote, and then profit off of other people's pain, and I don't agree with that. But- capitalism seems to be mostly working so I'm just going to not worry about that I've got enough to worry about with m

 

I can work out your logic for you in a way that would probably make you feel a lot better. It won't tell you affairs are good though. Affairs aren't "good". "Good people" don't have affairs. She twists words around to encourage the absorption of bad logic so people can justify what they wanted to all along. My way doesn't make people who have affairs "the devil". I don't even believe in that stuff. Anyway I'm getting way ahead of myself here and I think I just started a debate with that other lady, but hopefully we can talk logic soon, your story is really interesting.

 

Trying to keep the original formula as your belief system,and retroactively prove a bad decision was good or a false premise was true based on a positive result is what this book is trying to do, and while much of the information in it is useful, helpful, true, and follows rules of logic, it's all just a way for her to promote, and then profit off of other people's pain, and I don't agree with that. But- capitalism seems to be mostly working so I'm just going to not worry about that I've got enough to worry about with my Ashley Madison side project and all

 

 

I admire your tenacity.

 

 

I'm not trying to justify my decision to be good or bad, it is what I decided to do. Her article was not some beacon of light that made me say, "AHA!"

 

Why does anyone write a book and sell it? If there were some intrinsic altruistic motivation they would give it away for free. I'm not really concerned with all of that malarkey. You yourself said that " much of the information in it is useful, helpful, true, and follows rules of logic". What else should I ask for?

[Betterthanthis13]

I admire your tenacity.

 

 

I'm not trying to justify my decision to be good or bad, it is what I decided to do. Her article was not some beacon of light that made me say, "AHA!"

 

Why does anyone write a book and sell it? If there were some intrinsic altruistic motivation they would give it away for free. I'm not really concerned with all of that malarkey. You yourself said that " much of the information in it is useful, helpful, true, and follows rules of logic". What else should I ask for?

 

You don't have to ask for anything more- you should do as you see fit for your life. I ask more of myself, for myself, every day. Because my prime belief is that my own happiness is predicated on being as true to myself as i am capable of being. Even if I find out that reality is not what I'd like it to be in my imagination at this given time- the truth will always provide a better result for ME in the long run if I face it without fear, process it and create a better situation for myself based on reality, not fake stuff.

 

2 months ago I thought I was happy. I did not in any way want to hear that the man I have been living with for 3 years has somehow managed to pull a Truman Show on me and hide his sex addict activities. I could have not investigated the ugly truth, stuck my head in the sand and still be in that false reality to this day.

Would I be happier? Maybe for a little bit. Life hasn't been all sunshine and puppies lately. But I'm getting my soul back. Or whatever you want to call it. I am pretty much done with the shock and anger and all that and I am on my way to building a better life for myself that is not all messed up and painful and complicated.

 

That's why on big important life issues- I need to investigate the whole story, see all the sides, pick things apart and make sure what I'm working with is real.

 

I'm not like this about everything. I don't talk about ordering lunch this way, I don't have Aspergers or anything, I just care about myself and I care about humanity and TRUTH works. My world is upside down right now- from lies. I will sort through the wreckage armed with logic and truth, get it back in order and get back to the business of continuously achieving increasing levels of happiness

 

Making money is nice too. I make good money, but I don't try to convince large amounts of people who are looking for HELP to swallow word poison so I can sell a book and make my money. But that's capitalism, she can do what she thinks works for her, and that's not my problem today. Her propaganda is stealthily hurtful to people but she's not Hitler so whatever. It's a book.

[Betterthanthis13]

BetterThanThis...you ROCK! Just thought you should know that in case you didn't already. Carry on!

 

Ha thanks, but Realist3 rocks too, he sticks to his guns and I admire that. I could hear the tumbleweeds forming even as I was typing my rebuttal to that other poster

[janedoe67]

What I couldn't understand while I sat there, was how either one of them thought this changed a thing for me!

 

It's funny now, all that scrambling, the "revelation" . Yeah, he is a selfish pig. Ive told him that A million times, free of charge.

 

It's nothing new, just verbiage for a culture that wants character flaws diagnosed as something , to justify basically creepy behavior. Sure, I sympathize that his problem was based on insecurity ....but to tell you the truth, I find that amount of insecurity repellant .

 

QFT ^

 

Some people recognize pedophilia as an illness. Gotta say, if someone molested my kids, the fact that it was a "disorder" would matter not one whit to me. Alcoholism is also a "disease." Didn't help any to learn that the man who killed someone close to me while driving was an alcoholic

 

I mean, really, the only answer that is honorable is not NOT do it, and once you have, take FULL responsibility instead of carting out the DSM.

[Moper]

I just see the split self theory as an attempt to make honourable one of the least honourable things that can be done in a marriage.

 

I don't see that at all. The theory of gravity is not a comment on the morality of flight.

[2sure]

I don't see that at all. The theory of gravity is not a comment on the morality of flight.

 

LOLOL. You're hilarious . Sincerely, thank you for that .

[whichwayisup]

absolutely ridiculous. but should make cheaters feel better about what they're doing. all of a sudden, every one of them is in split-self affair

 

I agree. This split self stuff is bull crap and so self serving and it's an excuse for those cheating to justify their choices and behaviour.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[Realist3]

Her propaganda is stealthily hurtful to people but she's not Hitler so whatever. It's a book.

 

There are many people that sell books on the subject on infidelity, or any other given topic for that matter; some you may agree with and many others you may not agree with. The bottom line begins and ends with whether the author of said book makes a compelling case for their point of view and does it register with the reader/buyer. In this particular case, her "hurtful" take doesn't make it any less true. BS's want to be coddled. Yes, we get that. But the fact remains that there are many many factors that go into the decision to cheat, and some BS's need to grasp some of the factors that they are contributors towards.

[whichwayisup]

I find it telling and perhaps a little sad that so many of the betrayed are so quick to dismiss an understanding of why their partner came to love another. Perhaps of they were more ready to I der stand, and less quick to condemn, perhaps the partner would not have felt the need to seek another to love. Perhaps of they were more ready to seek to understand, there would be less chance of their partner needing to seek another in the future.

 

Perhaps if one prefers a simplistic view on people or life, one should only choose simple people to love.

 

Whoa, what a way to blame the BS for the WS's choice to cheat. Such crap.

 

Then I guess if the WS chooses to go back home it means the OW/OM didn't meet MM/MW's expectations or needs, it's the OW/OM's fault and they should blame themselves. Load of crap, both ways!

 

If a person wants to cheat, they will and NOBODY can force them to do it. Nobody can force them to stay or leave a marriage or to stay or leave an affair.

[Moper]

What is the real problem? Is it: 1) the physical act of having sex with AP; 2) the lack of intimacy from WS with BS; 3) the lack of intimacy from BS with WS; or 4) something else?

 

This particular split-self had a roommate, not a wife. Wife, likewise, had a roommate, not a husband. At that point, which has existed for at least 7 years, hasn't one or both of us betrayed the marriage?

 

I take 100% of the blame here. It would have been nice not to have had the affair because then I would truly have the higher ground in the discussion that I am having right now but frankly I don't know that the result is any different. I am more educated in terms of the feelings I do not have for my wife as a result of having these feelings for someone else.

 

I was feeling old. I was feeling dead.

 

I take 100% of the blame but there are reasons why I feel old and dead. I don't pretend to understand this and I'm not sure I ever will, but I find the focus on the physical act to be a bit odd and perhaps misplaced. I think that was a symptom, not the underlying problem. And I still don't see the connection between a theory like the split-self affair and some sort of plot to vindicate the WS.

 

I am sorry for each every BS out there. You did not deserve it but that has nothing whatsoever to do with my attempt to find myself.

[Betterthanthis13]

There are many people that sell books on the subject on infidelity, or any other given topic for that matter; some you may agree with and many others you may not agree with. The bottom line begins and ends with whether the author of said book makes a compelling case for their point of view and does it register with the reader/buyer.

 

agree/true

 

In this particular case, her "hurtful" take doesn't make it any less true. BS's want to be coddled. Yes, we get that.

 

probably, but coddling isn't helpful for BS's healing in my opinion. Or anyone's. Compassion, remorse, reparation, honesty-- those are better remedies for healing after a trauma. Coddling implies soothing of emotional distress to someone who is in denial of or who cannot bear to face reality. Coddling feels better temporarily and might be beneficial in a triage situation if someone is hysterical and healing needs to go on hold for a bit. Would you agree?

 

But the fact remains that there are many many factors that go into the decision to cheat, and some BS's need to grasp some of the factors that they are contributors towards.

 

Agree-In some cases where the BS is insufferable, the WS has a very compelling motivation to make a choice to cheat- I empathize when he or she does choose infidelity, that is a sucky position to be in

 

 

Let's just go to the title/main topic and see if we agree on that.

 

"When good people have affairs." Already wrong

 

People are neither good nor bad.

 

"When People have affairs." Not very catchy. But accurate

 

If you believe "good" people exist, define a "good" person that will be true for everyone: not possible. We can try, but we will be here stuck on this one point forever.

 

Trying to imply that "good" people exist, forces the reader to (subconsciously) define what a "good" person is. So what is a good person? Ok I'll bite.

 

I think a good person is one who loves their family, is a good citizen, pays their bills, loves animals, and is honest. Or something like that. It could mean whatever I want it to in the context I'm using it in.

Hmmmmm... That's convenient.

 

Before we even open the book, we can start lying to ourselves in dangerous ways. Lies mixed with truth are confusing and hard to pick apart and really tempting and we are all vulnerable. All of us. We all want denial. We all want lies in this clusterf*ck. Lies are easier. I could see this book at Barnes and Noble with my Starbucks coffee and say-

 

Good people have affairs?

I wonder what that book is about. I don't have affairs. I think I'm a good person. I thought xbf was a pretty crappy person for what he did... Let me sit down for a minute. Oh hahaha this lady is funny.. She says in the intro that "cheaters" are sociopaths with swirly mustaches, and that good people can find themselves in over their heads, and the BS is not blameless. Well, that's true. I'm not perfect. And he really is trying. She says good people lie awake at night feeling guilty and agonizing. I know he does that. I know he is trying really really hard. He says if I give it one more shot, he will never cheat on me again and we can get married. I can pick out whatever ring I want.

 

He is going to therapy, he says he is sorry, maybe I should stop being such a cheating nazi, seriously, who the frick am I? And I know he is a good person, because he is really smart, he is a very talented musician, he works really hard, and is very caring towards me except he made some mistakes last year. Here she says people who accidentally find themselves in affairs "passionately want to do what's best for everyone". he probably did want whatsbestfor me all along. It's in the past now anyway, and it's been enough time that I can forgive him and move on.

Here she says he shouldnt have told me, ever. It's a bad idea to tell the spouse. Well I guess that makes sense...Oh- I should just go home and apologize. I miss being with him. I've been so hard on him for lying to me for the last 3 years. Maybe we should have a baby.

[Realist3]

I'm going to need Cliff Notes, or at least a few hours of sleep before I respond to that novel.

[Anna-Belle]

Reading about the Split Self theory ended the war my mind and heart had been having. It gave me an explanation of the so far inexplicable actions of my MM. I already knew he was from a dysfunctional family. This explained it further and made it so much easier for me to remain in a relationship with him. He too identified with the Split Self MM.

 

Now some years later he is going to IC. He has not mentioned Split Self to her. Her take on him is that he intellectualizes his emotions too much. Other words for the same thing.

[Betterthanthis13]

I'm going to need Cliff Notes, or at least a few hours of sleep before I respond to that novel.

 

It's ok, you don't need cliff notes. There's only one question on the test.

[Realist3]

He is going to therapy, he says he is sorry, maybe I should stop being such a cheating nazi, seriously, who the frick am I? And I know he is a good person, because he is really smart, he is a very talented musician, he works really hard, and is very caring towards me except he made some mistakes last year. Here she says people who accidentally find themselves in affairs "passionately want to do what's best for everyone". he probably did want whatsbestfor me all along. It's in the past now anyway, and it's been enough time that I can forgive him and move on.

Here she says he shouldnt have told me, ever. It's a bad idea to tell the spouse. Well I guess that makes sense...Oh- I should just go home and apologize. I miss being with him. I've been so hard on him for lying to me for the last 3 years. Maybe we should have a baby.

 

 

When I read on here about all of the truly agonizing stories of BS's that have found out about their partner's affair, through whatever means; it confirms to me that it is best to not tell if at all possible. It is too damaging, not only to the BS, but to the relationship itself.

 

I went back and read your original story. There is a reason he is still with you. You have to decide for yourself is that reason is good enough for you warts and all. You said you have been hard on him for THREE years, and yet he is there. What does that tell you?

[Bittersweetie]

When I read on here about all of the truly agonizing stories of BS's that have found out about their partner's affair, through whatever means; it confirms to me that it is best to not tell if at all possible. It is too damaging, not only to the BS, but to the relationship itself.

 

Realist, I think telling may somewhat depend on what the goal of the WS spouse moving forward is. If it is to maintain the status quo or ending the marriage, then not telling, while I may disagree with that choice, is a valid option. If the goal is to reconnect with the BS, then I feel telling may be the better option as, while it will create much pain, it levels the playing field between the spouses and creates a place where intimacy and connection can be rebuilt based on truth.

 

In terms of the split-self thing, after d-day I read a lot of books and such to try to find out what was "wrong" with me. In the end, I realized nothing was "wrong" with me. I made choices based on what I wanted at the time that hurt others. There's no explanation or excuse for what I did. It wasn't my H's or anyone's fault in any way. It was me and my issues and my actions. That was not an easy thing to accept, as obviously no one wants to accept about themselves that they're a person that can hurt someone so terribly. But it is what it is and I think it's how one moves forward from that experience that makes the difference.

[Furious]

This describes me almost to a T:

 

A Comprehensive Examination of the "Split-Self" Affair* - *111 Quimby Street, Westfield NJ 908.403.9300

 

"This pair lost the very essence of who they are in their efforts to 'do right' and they have to find themselves and determine their own definition of 'what's right for them' -- and that process of discovery may result in parting ways."

 

Anyone else see themselves here?

 

 

In essence this theory is another way of describing someone who is indecisive and who compartmentalizes their relationships which allows them the freedom to not choose either or and maintain the status quo that best suits them. These folks can remain in limbo indefinitely and that's the subconscious goal.

 

Split-self or any other label used to describe such a person is basically describing someone who wants it all with the least cost to them emotionally and financially. To make a decision one way or the other would mean giving up or losing something whereas being "split-self" is a beneficial mindset that is best described as being passive aggressive and a form of controlling the triangular relationship.

[eleanorrigby]

Now that you've figured this out...what next for you?

 

This is a good question that you may have missed Moper.

[Moper]

This is a good question that you may have missed Moper.

 

Continue IC, figure it all out as best I can, probably MC, lots.of pain.

[eleanorrigby]

Continue IC, figure it all out as best I can, probably MC, lots.of pain.

 

I have not read all your threads. Is your wife aware of your affair? If not are you going to tell her?

[Furious]

Or, "cake eater."

 

 

I agree, but for many they prefer a more elaborate theory to placate and interpret cake eating as an intellectual crisis that includes research and hypothesis that validates their dysfunction.

[Rose Auxerrois]

Ill start another thread about the specific topics in "When Good People Have Affairs" that I take issue with, so we can debate those too. I hope I am not being too simplistic for you- I only hope I can keep up with you.

Im so excited!

 

I apologise you do not follow my writing.

 

I commented I find it sad that so many betrayed seek to condemn rather than understand. I did not claim all betrayed, I commented only what I saw which was many betrayed making joke of understanding, saying only condemnation is appropriate. I find that sad.

 

I also wondered of that was what might have led to the partner seeking love with another. Being with someone who is not interested in understanding, only condemnation. It may also send them again looking for love somewhere else if their partner is still so contre understanding.

 

I think wanting to understand can help to prevent happening again.

[MissBee]

I apologise you do not follow my writing.

 

I commented I find it sad that so many betrayed seek to condemn rather than understand. I did not claim all betrayed, I commented only what I saw which was many betrayed making joke of understanding, saying only condemnation is appropriate. I find that sad.

 

I also wondered of that was what might have led to the partner seeking love with another. Being with someone who is not interested in understanding, only condemnation. It may also send them again looking for love somewhere else if their partner is still so contre understanding.

 

I think wanting to understand can help to prevent happening again.

 

I doubt this is the case.

 

Many of these people here are reconciled happily and they indeed understand, even if they don't subscribe to the split-self theory. Whereas some OW who are ever-so understanding still remain the "understanding" OW for years and years and years....what's the line between understanding and coddling and accepting the unacceptable?